coaching

ACoAs : OVER-Controlling Ourselves (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

bad voiceTHE BAD PARENT VOICE –
doesn’t want me to outgrow it

PREVIOUS: Self-Care around Controllers #3

SEE:  Toxic Family Roles

❖ S-C = self-control


AS CHILDREN
Normal / Healthy: since children are not born with boundaries it’s a parent’s job to help them learn self-control (S-C), which is about setting limits for oneself & with others, but forming them is a long process. S-C is closely linked to:
• how children feels about themselves, If they delay self-esteem, that can only come from proper guidance, stability & unconditional love
• being taught how to deal with everyday frustrations & practicing those skills by helping them make their own age-appropriate choices & decisions

 2 MENTAL Abilities for healthy S-C : Be ABLE TO
a. estimate time correctly, in order to make reasonable decisions, based on immediate as well as future outcomes.
❖ Young children cannot do this because they live completely ‘in the present’, so it’s not rational to expect them to have the same S-C as older kids & adults (post: ACoAs & TIME)

b. direct one’s attention away from a current event. This is needed in order to have the time to evaluate situations, make better choices & weigh possible consequences.
Since young children’s attention can be easily distracted, they aren’t able to stop-to-consider alternatives or potential outcomes, so it’s inappropriate to demand it of them

• Children do best when guidance & boundary setting are given with consistent, age-appropriate expectations & realistic consequences, AND without constant punishment or power-conflicts with parents.
Children do need the security of knowing the rules & limits of behavior – otherwise they feel uncared for & at a loss. The healthy goal for parents is to guide & nurture them so they feel supported & valued, rather than judged or rejected

Alcoholic PARENTING extremes
In most cases, ACoAs had to be totally obedient to survive & later to fit in – first with parents, then in school, a religious community & then work. (Posts: 4 Parenting styles & Results)

OVER: Many of us were given too many rules, assumed to be ‘little adults’, demanded that we be competent & self-sufficient way beyond our years.
We were bullied & manipulated into being compliant on pain of suffering & death. There was no fairness, or any leeway for our individuality. We submitted – or else.

This created great anxiety, knowing we couldn’t fulfill their spoken & implied expectations, while desperately trying to please.
✏︎ For some of us the rules kept changing, arbitrarily.
✏︎ For others they were rigid & unrealistic.
✏︎ For all of us, no matter what we did, it was never good enough!
Eventually we either rebelled or caved.

UNDER: Others of us received little or no guidance – left too much on our own, so that we basically raised ourselves, which also created great anxiety. It left us:
• without knowing how to pay attention to other people
• with no respect for, willingness or need to obey legitimate authority
• with no sense of boundaries, limits, discipline or self-trust
✦ not knowing what is expected of us or how to function in the world.

This may seem heavenly – to a teen, but a child without rules or expectations not only is being severely neglected – but will likely suffer from lack of motivation & direction for years to come!neglect

EITHER WAY – we were deprived of the opportunity to learn healthy self-control – which requires a SELF to implement!
Since having a True Self was not allowed much mess encouraged, the only thing we could do was to over-control ourself. We had to hide our true emotions, needs, as well as our intelligence, competence & talents – except as those gifts were needed to take care of sick, abusive, drunk, depressed & crazy parents &/or siblings – but never for ourself!

▶︎ Since over-controlled adults are generally responsible & reserved, they don’t get much attention, suffering loneliness & chronic depression in silence, which may include anorexia, or being obsessive-compulsive.
An evidence-based therapy Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO DBT), was developed to help “over-controllers” activate the brain’s neurological systems which help regulate smoother ways of interacting with others. SKILLS include:
social spontaneity, taking it easy, making true friendships, correcting rigid thinking & minimizing perfectionism. (MORE….)

NEXT: O-C Ourselves – Part 2

SELF-CARE around Controllers (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

stand my ground
I CAN STAND MY GROUND –
& still be at peace

PREVIOUS: Self-care, Internal #1

 

 

If you HAVE to deal with a Controller (cont)

1. INTERNALLY : for YOU (cont)
• Wait before responding to a text, call or email.
Write out what you want to say & then leave it alone for a little bit, to think thru the consequences. If you still want to send it / say it – condense it into simple sentences – short, declarative & to the point, using ‘I’ statement, from your Adult voice

• Set your own time schedule for discussions with a C. or to deal with a need or upset of theirs. Your time is yours to control – NOT them (most of the time 🙃)

• Spend time away from the C. Taking regular breaks is important for mental health.  Do things you enjoy even if the C. isn’t supportive.

❖ Eliminate Controllers from your life whenever possible. They are energy & self-esteem vampires to be ‘put in the light’ & let go of!

2. EXTERNALLY – dealing With THEM
• Ask questions – objectively & without anger. Try to find out what they’re frustrated about, what they really want & why, to minimize misunderstandings.  This shows them the same respect that you want

• Avoid arguing. It’s best to just let the C. carry on until they’ve run out of steam. As hard as it is to “zip the lip”, if you just listen without responding, eventually most people will feel ashamed & contrite for carrying on so, especially when their outburst actually had nothing to do with you. This puts you back in charge.

• Be a careful listener (unless you’ve heard the same thing over & over!). It’s easy to tune out when you’re with someone annoying or aggravating. Repeat back to them what they’ve said, as a check to see if it’s correct. This reassures them you understand their point or what they need from you –  especially at work. BUT it doesn’t mean you have to agree or do it!
• Be clear & mean what you say, so they’ll know you’re serious
• Be very firm that you’re NOT going to be pushed around. Say NO & stick to it even if you feel scared.
Most of the time it turns out ok, but some people can’t tolerate hearing ‘no’, so you have to get away from them as soon as you realize they’re not safe
• Don’t let them talk down to you. It’s insulting & belittling
• Emphasize positive things about yourself & let them know all the good decisions you make on a regular basis

• Pick your battles. Unless a topic directly affects you, don’t comment. You can appear to agree & still keep to your own ideas – quietly
• Point out when their way is unacceptable for you – in practical language. It’s NOT wise to use emotions-ladened phrases like “It makes me uncomfortable”, because they’re likely to use it against you

• If a C. ‘keeps you around’ – whether it’s personal or professional – it means they need you for something! That can give you the upper hand, even if neither of you really like each other.
Don’t be afraid to remind the C. that you have value & want to treated with respect

• If the situation warrants it, & it doesn’t hurt you, explain that you want to be a part of the solution, & willing to work with the C. once you understand fully what’s needed

• In a disagreement or argument, stick to your point and the current topic – don’t let them sidetrack you. Write or tape confrontations, to get clear AND to have proof

• Try getting them to switch roles with you for a few minutes. You play the controller & they play you. Then discuss the results.
• Switch the focus away from what’s wrong with you, & get them talking about themselves or on the issue in question. They’ll like that!
Remember – you’re not responsible for their perspective, but it might give you some insight into their motivation, so you’ll be better able to sidestep or deflect their controlling-ness next time

NEXT: Self-Care around Controllers – #3

SELF-CARE around Controllers (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

many options I HAVE LOTS OF OPTIONS – I just need to practice

PREVIOUS: Responses to Controllers-#2

SITE: How to Cope w/ a Controlling Person

See Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

If you HAVE to deal with a Controller:
1. INTERNALLY : for YOU
• Be true to your own personality – quiet, an Introvert- or Extrovert-talkative, fun-loving, smart, strong, funny….
✅  Trying to out-control control freaks generally doesn’t work. They’ve had a lot more practice
• Continue to work on building strong boundaries so you don’t take on the Cs problems

• Stay as calm as possible when in conflict with a C., especially since they’re likely to lose their cool if you challenge their desperately needed sense of power
• Do something physical – run, swim, dance, exercise….it clears the mind & burns off the anger, numbness, fear, frustration…. which deplete us

• Take full responsibility for all your own thoughts, words, emotions & actions – & whatever long-standing buttons the C. may be pushing

• Let yourself feel all emotional reactions to the C. rather than pushing them away – but not with the C. – do it in meetings, therapy, journaling… Always be clear that the pain is coming from the WIC.
Take a mental step back from your Es, putting them ‘outside‘ of yourself, rather than drowning in them or sweeping them under the carpet. This defuses the intensity.
The best way to protect yourself is to be fully awake to the effects a C. has on you. That’s what Es are for.

• Focus on how to meet your own needs, rather than on what the C. is doing or not doing. Don’t over-compensate for someone else’s limitations or failures. It doesn’t help anyone, & only drains you
• Know you have the right & power to say how you want to be treated.  This comes from knowing your worth as a person – just because you exist

• Identify what really matters or what your real goal is in each situation & then ask: “How important it this?,  Do I need to be right, validated, applauded, justified…, or can I let go in order to be at peace? //  How will reacting to this person make my life better (or worse)?”.
If it’s not literally a life & death situation, you can redirect your energy by quietly talking to the Inner Child, & focus on using Recovery tools

• Look for the lesson in any difficult situation – but not at the expense of the Es. So – NO self-blame or judgment. Getting something out of each encounter with a C. can help you be stronger, healthier, more awake, more self-protective…. for the future
Ask : •“What are they telling me about themself?
• Have I been ignoring the signals about this person’s patterns?
• Have I stayed too long? , Did I somehow set them off?
• How are they like my family? Are they just a bad fit with me?”….

• To stop the drain on your energy, conventional wisdom says: “Stop endlessly talking to everyone about a negative event or conflict”. This is valid if all you’re doing is whining, complaining, obsessing, dumping…. rather than carefully evaluating what’s really going on, & ✒︎ taking it to the right place to process (Program, Therapy, Minister….),

• Write out all your frustrations, hurt & anger about how the C treats you – & the mental arguments to prove your side of the story, without censorship. Picture all that pain draining into the paper & then burn it – safely!

support groupNOTE: For ACoAs, as long as a situation is pushing old buttons, our Es can be overpowering, getting in the way of functioning.
We need to keep sharing what’s upsetting our WIC – in the right environment – and for as long as it takes to bleed off the accumulated hurt & rage that keeps our obsessions alive.

We may also need outside validation that we’re not crazy – that someone really is being abusive, that our feelings are normal in that circumstance…..

NEXT: Self-Care Around Controllers (#2)

RESPONDING to Controllers (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

 Screen Shot 2015-07-06 at 7.55.09 AM
PREVIOUS : Responding to Controllers (#2)

SITE: “21 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Responding to Conflict”

 

WHY ‘Control’ Responses to Controllers (Cs)?
Because it’s Empowering, to not be or stay a victim.
THE GOAL is to heal enough so we can speak up from the Adult ego state right away, but only if it’s safe & appropriate to insure not hurting ourself. That way our frustration, hurt & anger won’t build up – providing short & long-term benefits.
✳️ This ability comes with lowered WIC anxiety (Es) & practicing things to say (Ts)

• Being KIND to ourselves
When we react impulsively or fight back we may temporarily feel powerful, but it doesn’t help self-esteem & personal growth. Even so, sometimes it’s the only way to get thru to a C. & stop them from seeing us as weak & vulnerable. Many Cs only understand ‘tit-for-tabe coolt’! even tough it doesn’t usually resolve conflict or protect us from further attacks

• It’s best when we can mentally take a step back (T), to breathe, process how we feel (Es) & check which of our buttons got pushed. If we can address the problem in a positive way in the moment, great. If not, consider what’s best for yourself & maybe deal with the offender later. In any case, the less we RE-act the more self-empowering & peaceful we’ll feel

• Freedom of Speech
Other people seem to think it’s OK to say whatever they want, but we are afraid to do the same. We need to give ourself permission to know & express our point of view as well. But over-reacting to volatile or oppositional opinions has to do with our childhood wounds, & not just to what’s being said in the present. Be truthful, but don’t get into a pissing match. Al-Anon : “Say what you mean but don’t say it mean.”

• Minimize Negativity
Nurturing all-consuming anger at someone for their comments or actions only hurts us, carrying painful energy into other parts of our life.  Malachy McCourt (actor, writer & participant in Occupy Wall Street, 10/2011) once quipped: “Holding a grudge against someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

purpose For ACoAs, obsessions come from our damaged past. We can privately do rage-work, & process our wounds in Program & therapy, so we don’t keep reacting in ways that make us feel bad about ourself afterward.

• What’s our Purpose?
To get the most our of life we have to be clear about our goal in each situation & act accordingly.  What our Adult self wants to accomplish & what the WIC wants are often 2 very different things. Any time we get riled up about something, remember it’s the WIC or PP, but how we respond will depend on whether the ‘Unit’ is in charge or not.

EXP: One week-day evening Ally was in a church auditorium waiting to hear a concert. In the back vestibule a maintenance man was polishing the floor with the door open to the lower level, & the machine was very noisy!
Ally went all the way down to the man, asking him to close the door adjoining the sanctuary, but he refused, so she went back & sat down. Immediately a man waiting in the audience also went down to the worker, & lo-&-behold — the door was closed! Ally smiled.
She knew that many years ago she would have taken offense & been very angry that the worker ignored her (a woman) yet ‘listened’ to a man. BUT now she was not upset at all – her only GOAL was to shut out some of the irritating noise – rather than being respected or validated, which was not the workers job !

• Where’s the Focus?
The hardest thing for ACoAs is to not take things personally. Whether someone is mean or just tactless – they’re telling us about themselves – NOT US!
It’s most useful to mirror back to them what we’ve heard: ‘Why did you say that?”, or ‘What did you mean by that?”…. Where attention goes, energy flows. We can only focus fully on one things at a time. The sooner we clear up an obsession, the faster we get our life back. Often speaking up for ourself will rebalance our energy.

 

NEXT: Self-Care around Controllers – #1

RESPONDING to Controllers (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

3resist controlNO ONE CAN CONTROL ME –
unless I let them

PREVIOUS: Being controlled – #5

POSTS ‘Relationship FORMS 1 & 2’

See Acronym PAGE for abbrev.

 

RESPONDING TO CONTROLLERS  (Cs)
• As adults, even when we’re with a Controlling person, we always have at least some control of our own over what happens to us, whether we use that option or not.  As Glenda the Good Witch says in The Wizard of Oz “You always had the power!” If we must stay with a C., we have to protect ourself, otherwise all we can do is capitulate

EXP: As soon as Jody met sexy Sam at a party, she could tell he was a C – just like her mom. Even so, they started dating & eventually he moved in.  His charm compensated, but Jody still needed to deal with his habit of assuming she was exactly like him (narcissistic control).
She went along when it didn’t matter, but stood her ground when it did. For a while in the beginning – to shift the focus from any specific topic of contention – to the bigger picture – she started saying ‘ Sure, Martha’ whenever he acted like her mom! It took him a while to catch on, but eventually he got the point & backed off (but most C. won’t!)

Re. THEM – Cs are also wounded people who don’t have a right to their needs, but choose to manipulate others into providing for them, & to feel cared for. Pay attention & evaluate which type you’re dealing with:

• Some are not consciously aware of being a C, & will be confused or surprised if it’s pointed out. They have no idea what they are doing ‘wrong’, but also don’t want to know, so they won’t change easily

• Others are aware of trying to deceive or control, but will vigorously deny it because they don’t want to be caught (& it’s socially shameful), OR they just don’t want to be responsible for their actions or old pain.
So they’re less likely to change at all, because they’d have to deal with the underlying damage

• A few are willing to consider the issue when ‘confronted’ & will work to change it
• And some of us are already in the processes of letting go of being controlling!

Re. YOU
DECIDE: When responding to a C, consider what outcome you want:
❈ for revenge, to punish, retaliate, humiliate….OR
❈ to inform, vent, set a boundary, for self-protection, fairness….
"I" statement✶ If you want to be as psychologically clean as humanly possible (NO perfectionism!) then practice making neutral or ‘I’ statements:

“I don’t respond well to being bossed around , That’s not helpful! ,  It sounds like you’re trying to get me to_________ Is that right? , I’d rather__________ , When you ___________ I feel _________  , That doesn’t work for me / not how I feel about it / not what I need…”

EXPECT: resistance in the form of excuses, protests, denials, blaming …. especially from the hard cases.  You can let them know you understand their feelings & wishes, but that you hold the right to have yours, even if that upsets them, makes them angry, attack you or leave in a huff!
• No matter what their reaction, you decide what you’re going to agree to – or not, based on your needs, not theirs!

REMEMBER: When someone insists on accusing you wrongly (a big button for ACoAs) or just refuses to ‘get it’ – only state your truth as clearly as you can. You may have to repeat your position, but DO NOT:
— try to make them understand where you’re coming from
—  keep explaining why your point is valid, and
— NEVER justify yourself – ever!  To stay & argue with someone like that makes a fool of yourself!

• The more relentless someone’s controlling behavior, the more narcissistic the person is. In that case you cannot win, because they can’t & won’t see you as being separate from them, with your own identity & personality.
If you have the option, you either limit contact (Read : “60 Healthy responses to narcs“) , OR walk away, no matter how much it hurts, even if it means letting them think they won.
😰 To do anything else is to humiliate yourself!

NEXT: Responding to Controllers (Part 2)

ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

drowningI CAN’T SEEM TO SURFACE
& it’s all your fault!

PREVIOUS: Getting controlled (Part 4)

SITE: 9 Ways We Set Ourselves Up To Be Controlled in Relationships

BOOK: Confessions of an Abandoned Child ~ Curtrina Pharr

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


Negative STATES causing loss of Control
a. In Bondage / ways to lose independence
Accepting unwanted situations,  addicted & enslaved, be obsessed, be controlled, submitting to another, financially or psychologically tied down against our will
hopelessb. Focus on the Material / only aware of the physical
Caught up in appearances, getting & spending, over-indulging the senses, ignoring or forgetting the Spiritual

c. Ignorance / be unaware & stay
Taken in by appearances, choose to stay in the dark (denial), fear the unknown, live in deprivation, operate within a narrow range of options & emotions
d. Feel Hopeless / lack faith
Believe the worst, despair, doubt, see the world as ‘cold ’, predict a bleak future, think negatively  (More…..)

🎯 WHO / WHAT we LET Control us (cont. from Part 4)
You’re being controlled (or Over-C) WHEN you STAY:
Sphone fatigue• on the phone, long texts…. or with someone you want to get away from
• in any location or event you’d rather not be at (or hate)
• in any relationship, job, home…. way too long
• with someone else – when you’d rather be alone, need to rest, or be doing something else, and/or ….
WHEN YOU:
• buy or eat things the other person wants you to, but you don’t like
• endlessly listen to someone’s dumping – who’s in too much pain, demanding, needy, abusive, just using you….
• feel sorry for others instead of for yourself
• go out with someone because they want you to, or from loneliness
OR
• keep believing a proven liar, keep depending on someone who is consistently unreliable
bad date• keep seeing friends who are totally focused only on themself, never on you, including dates & mates
• let other invade your boundaries or say mean things — without objecting
• spend a lot of time worrying about someone else that you’re ‘powerless’ over
OR
• pay for things only to please another (not from love but from FoA)
• take care of very damaged people who need much more help than you can give them, because it makes you feel ‘important’, needed, less worthless….
• try to be something you’re not, or do things others want – out of guilt

You’re with a Controller (C.) anywhere :
BEHAVIORAL – if you
• are given the ‘silent-treatment’ as punishment
• firmly state a boundary about something, & the C. ignores it completely
• feel like you’re losing it, because the C has systematically isolated you, to make you only be, do & think the way they want
• friends or family see a change in you when you’re with the C.
• have lost friends because the C. complained about or refused to let you see them AMD/OR have badmouth you to them

EMOTIONAL – if you
• feel depressed & physically drained much of the time
• feel suffocated by the C being needy, over-protective or intrusive
• feel ‘less than’, ignorant, belittled or hopeless when you’re with the C.
• end up feeling guilty all the time but don’t know why
IF you:
• eventually ‘shut down’ and ‘give in’ rather than trying to be heard, sticking to your point of view, being taken seriously
depressed• hide or run away from problems with the C. because you feel too weak to confront & stand up to them
✶ are being told by the C. that what you’re feeling – anger, fear, frustration – are from your ‘issues’, that you’re causing it, you’re over-reacting…. (while denying what they ARE doing! to hurt you)

MENTAL – if you
• always second-guess yourself, from actually being criticized, undermined or corrected by the C
• are accused of being boring now because : “You used to be so much fun, more interesting & outgoing…. you just copy me”
• tend to ‘go along with things’ to avoid conflicts with the C
• worry about the C’s reaction before you make a decision

✶ Are often told the C. is not ‘doing anything to you’, but rather that you’re choosing to do or be what the C. wants! (Cs take NO responsibility for their manipulations!)

SPIRITUAL – if you
• are constantly judged & accused of being bad, using a spiritual or religious dogma as ‘proof’
• feel you’ve lost your vision & are willing to compromise your values to try to please them
• punished for not being perfect, not following their rules

NEXT: Responding to Controllers, #1

ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

door matI FOLLOW ALL THE RULES,
so why am I still being walked on?

PREVIOUS: Being Controlled (#3)

SITE : Dealing with Manipulative people – from “In Sheep’s Clothing”

🎯 WHO / WHAT we LET Control us
Controlling patterns are the same as Emotional Abuse.  All but one of the following groups can influence us positively OR negatively. It’s up to us to know what suits us best & stick to it!

⌘ INNER DAMAGE – everything this blog covers. Also read “Bitchlifestyle” blog : Who Controls You, Your Bitch or Your Brat? (PP or WIC). The more we try to please everyone, we become:
• MORE angry, disorganized, exhausted, frantic, overwhelmed, unhappy
• LESS focused, rested, peaceful, satisfied, pleasant to be with
AND the fewer people we actually do please!

Letting ourself be controlled is giving our power away. Yet we think it will actually:
• GAIN us acceptance, love, continual attention, protection
• PREVENT being ignored, made fun of, punished or left. Unfortunately, it’s an illusion!

 THIS LIST is about how negative relationships can controls us :
⌘ CHILDREN – expressing your love for / attachment to them can go too far, being afraid to set boundaries or they won’t love you, or not teach them discipline so they won’t be angry at you

⌘ ENEMIES – A) people who dislike or hate us for their own reasons. We didn’t cause it, but we can end up wasting way too much time, energy & money trying to win them over or placating them, instead of leaving them alone, praying for them or being neutral
-OR-
B) those we hate – which eats us up year after year – wasting time trying to get even, obsessing about telling them off (but never doing it), or actually putting nasty plans into motion

⌘ JOBs/ Bosses – their expectations, demands … especially the ones we think have to be fulfilled but actually are unreasonable. After all, aren’t we used to doing the impossible ? – or at least trying like crazy

⌘ NEMESES – (people we’re jealous of or in competition with) – we can do many foolish or self-defeating things to stay ahead of them or keep them from winning over us, whether the ‘prize’ is important to us or not. We become obsessed, over-work, cheat, connive, worry… just to shore up our weak ego

⌘ PARENTS – wanting their love & approval at any expense, we often twist into distorted versions of our True Self – & still never please them or get what we need from them (see Part 3)

⌘ PARTNERS – our fantasy beliefs about what a good relationship or marriage is supposed to be (especially that women have to be the ‘giver’) makes us into servants or slaves

⌘ PEERS / FRIENDS – trying to keep up with or out-do them, keep their approval, get their admiration, be in the ‘IN’ group, use them to____ ….

⌘ HEROES – because we don’t know the real person, they’re usually one-dimensional, yet we put them on pedestals – so they’re not fully human. We think we could / should be like them, but it’s not automatically true that if they can do or be something, we can too.

• And even if we follow their lead in some way, we may not be able to do it right away, or it may be a lot harder that we thought, or we may not have the same talent or resources…. which can leave us discouraged & self-hating.
We have to be realistic, without giving up, working toward goals that fit who we are!

• We may find positive qualities to emulate, but only with careful assessment & background research. THEY must be people:
— who are actively living the qualities you admire and fit your values, not just talking a good game
— you are genuinely similar to (not just matching damages). REMEMBER – Just because someone else can do or be something does not mean you can or should want to!

NO GUARANTEE:  Being psychologically healthy does not prevent damaged people from trying to hurt us. Also – we know there have been some good people in the public eye that have been vilified, even killed!
Self-esteem + correct info are our best protection – recognizing the people who are very unwell & removing ourself from them.

NEXT: Being Controlled (Part 5)

ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

whisper controlI JUST KNOW SHE HATES ME – she didn’t even look at me today

PREVIOUS: Being Controlled (#1)

REVIEW posts: “Noticing Painful Events”

SITE: Over-controlling Parents Irritate Adult Children


Our PARENTS still control our thought & emotions IF we:
• feel guilty & afraid when we want to reduce contact with them or sever it all together
• spend time or talk to them more from obligation than choice
• find it hard to be emotionally separate from them (feel their Es for them, care too much, assume you know what they need…)

• FEEL intimidated or belittled by how they treat us:
— afraid to express our true E. & opinions to them
— get tense even thinking about being around them
— confused by their mixed messages & double binds
— feel disloyal when we act or feel differently than what they want
— are easily annoyed or impatient with them without knowing why

RESULTS of being over-controlled as a child, NOW 
Emotionally we
• expect everyone to hurt, judge or take advantage of us
• feel chronically empty or numb inside, easily bored, restless
• frantically try to avoid real or imagined abandonment – by clinging, people-pleasing, being invisible….
• are intimidated by or feel enraged at controlling people
• experience temporary dissociation (splitting), disconnecting from self or others
Mentally / Socially we
• feel like we’re always under scrutiny – even when alone
• perfectionistic, driven, rarely satisfied – especially with ourself
• keep isolated from shame & so ‘no one can hurt or leave us’
• lose ourselves in relationships by only considering others’ needs
• over- & then under-value people we get too close to
• find it hard to relax, laugh or be spontaneous

We HAVE:
Emotionally / Spiritually
• mood swings not caused by bipolar disease
• inappropriate & intense anger; difficulty controlling our temper
• trouble asserting ourself or feeling proud of our accomplishments
• trouble finding a spiritual belief, or one that feels right

Mentally / Behaviorally
• chronic obsessive thoughts, without trying solutions
• confused or distorted self-image: “Who am I really?” , “What do I really look like?” (ugly, fat, too thin too short….)
• paranoid thinking – as a usual way of experiencing others
WITH
• the harsh “inner critic” torturing us, especially after a loss
• impulsivity – can’t control our choices & reactions
• compulsive self-damaging behaviors in 2 or more areas of life (eating disorder, addictions, fights, under-achieving….)
• recurring suicidal thoughts or tries

Present-day CAUSES of ‘Abandonment’** PAIN 

• Abusive mate, adult-child, boss, friend, elderly parent
• Inaccurate, harsh, judgmental & prejudicial religious beliefs & leaders…
• Loss of a real or imagined beloved person, animal, thing or place
• Unkind or threatening communications (in any form)
• Unfair or abusive political & social laws, policies, rules.
** Technically, adults cannot be abandoned, unless they’re physically or mentally incapacitated, so the term applies to children.
🦋
MEN & CONTROL
Men who are unconsciously ruled by their unresolved Abandonment (A.) issues are fearful & insecure. They often use rage as a way to cover this up, since they know something’s wrong inside, but don’t know how to or refuse to uncover & deal with it.
In many cultures men are ‘allowed’ to be angry rather than sad, hurt & vulnerable.
Using the male stereotype of maintaining power, they may:
• be charming & clever, but manipulative & self-centered
• withdraw from everyone, to control themself
• control others by verbal, physical, sexual or psychological abuse …. to transfer their emotional pain onto others.

WOMEN & CONTROL
Woman usually have a greater capacity for awareness of their emotional states than men (see post on DIFFERENCES between M & F brains), but still need to learn how to handle them appropriately.  When unresolved A. issues overwhelm, women who haven’t learned to be in charge of their inner turmoil will instead turn to the external world for things they CAN control :
• themself – weight, clothes, shopping, obsessions, self-harm, chemicals…..
• others – jealousy, over-protectiveness, bossiness & nagging, fixing…..
Also, to ‘manage’ their pain they’re more likely to find others to hurt them. But while playing the victim role they can still do a lot of damage, to other adults & especially to their children.

BOOKs by J. Ray Rice:  “Thank You for Loving Me…” (originally for teens in treatment for Abandonment) and “What I Must Give Myself – First!”

NEXT: ACoAs being Controlled (#3)

ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

beggingI’LL BE & DO WHAT EVER YOU WANT –
just don’t leave me!

PREVIOUS: “Controlling” & Abandonment (#2)

SITE: “Recognizing…..Control” – extensive list of tactics used by Controllers

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

BEING controlled by others
People who are easily controlled don’t know there’s a difference between –
a. Natural, appropriate authority. Being IN control is using our power in a positive way – for oneself, or as good leader. The person in control is the main decision-maker, in charge of communication & makes things happen. People choose to listen & follow appropriate authority because they want to learn, connect &/or be taken care of —
— vs.
b. Un-natural, abusive control (mental/emotional coercion). Controllers (Cs) misuse power – they force us to obey them, against our will. They have no regard for our rights, needs or individuality. They use their position to suppress our identity so only their’s is visible. Their main weapon is negative anger, aimed at making us afraid, so we’ll be more compliant

ACoAs ‘letting” ourself BE controlled
• Most ACoAs were negatively controlled as kids by very wounded parents & teachers, & without Recovery we continue playing out the victim role we were originally forced into.
As adults, allowing others to control us copies our earliest experiences. It keeps us symbiotically attached to the ‘source’ of our wounds & therefore emotionally immature, AND ‘protects’ us from having to face our own fear of intimacy (“ACoAs & Boundaries, Part 1 & 2”),
NOW
controlledFirst: We have to be around someone who is a controller – who belittles, embarrasses us in front of others, treats us like a child, tells us what to do or how to be….who is manipulative & intimidating, however subtly.

Second: We have to be available.  While dealing with such a person is unpleasant for anyone, for ACoAs it’s emotionally debilitating – but also emotionally addictive!  We fall into a black hole, regressed to an old familiar space of being a powerless child with no options. We’re trapped & become mute! We’ve been programmed to instantly surrender – as if we have no rights or identity of our own. And then we stay, & make excuses for the controller’s behavior!

T.E.A. (thoughts, emotions, actions)
Many teachers & groups insist that we choose to “feel” the way we do, which is an unfair judgment. Of course the word feel is being used to mean thoughts rather than emotions, which is confusing & harmful, as it leads to believing we should ‘control’ our Es! (see “Feelings Aren’t Facts”, & “Using THINK, instead of Feel“)

This is not accurate or realistic. No one chooses their Es, only what we Think & how we Act! And even those are pre-programmed by family. Yes, sometimes changing Ts & As can shift our Es, but not always, especially not when the pain we’re feeling is old & therefore cumulative. That takes time to vent & process out of the body.

• Being controlled is the outward proof of Toxic Family Rules we internalized from childhood. And when we consider those beliefs (a sub-category of Thinking) we find them indeed very hard to change.
As adults — 
— allowing ourself to be controlled is not a conscious choice! It’s a knee jerk reaction to specific people or events that are carbon copies of our family experience.
— it’s a clear indication that capitulating to the will of another means our WIC is in charge

🩸To ‘accuse’ us of choosing to be manipulated (Action) or be miserable (Emotions)…. only adds to our S-H, & is in fact a subtle form of abuse & abandonment.

YES – we are responsible for changing our training – learning new ways of thinking & acting to take back the power we give away.
BUT we can only do this if WE:
— understand what’s actually going on inside
— have compassion for ourself (we didn’t cause the wounding)
— remember that changing deeply-etched brain patterns takes time
— learn what our needs are & use them to practice having boundaries
— ask for help whenever we need it, especially when regressed (child ego-state of being a victim, lost child, scapegoat…)
— develop & continually strengthen the Loving Parent voice

NEXT: ACoAs Being Controlled (Part 2)

‘Controlling’ & Abandonment (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

feelings
THOSE OLD FEELINGS –
give me acid-reflux!

Previous: Controlling & A. (Part 1)

Review Posts: ‘My Rights – Qs‘
and ‘ACoAs & Having Rights‘

 

LONG-TERM Abandonment (A.) experiences, especially in childhood, inevitably creates intense fear & shame in children. Total dependence on caretakers make them very vulnerable, so too much deprivation will feel life-threatening, & in some cases it is!  As terror grows, so does the compulsion grow to control oneself & the environment – to feel a little less unsafe by not being at the mercy of others.

EMOTIONAL A.  Children have to hide the parts of themselves not considered acceptable by the family (see the “Laundry List”) – to not get rejected. We were told what we felt was not true or legitimate, and DON’T make mistakes, have needs, be successful, show emotions …
We heard:  “You don’t have anything to cry about so stop being such a baby. Stop crying or I’ll really give you something to cry about. That really didn’t hurt. You have no right to be angry”…

• Ignored or punished childhood PMES needs cause developmental damage, the same as nutritional deficiencies, like sailors in the past who developed scurvy (internal bleeding, connective tissues weakness & sudden death) from lack of vitamin C in their diets during long trips.

For ACoAs, this will eventually show up as fear of taking appropriate risks, lack of trust, & fear of intimacy, not having a personal dream to follow, lack of healthy communication skills (how to talk to oneself kindly, how to make small talk, how to stand up for oneself), a weak sense of self…..

• Think of accumulated old A. pain (terror & rage) as acid, filling a deep well buried in our unconscious. We may not taste it all the time, but when it bubbles up it’s emotional heart-burn!  When someone or something bumps up against an unhealed wound in our psyche, the lid get blown off the reservoir, releasing a spurt of that old pain (like when – not getting a text back, a broken promise, being left out, accused wrongly or having to wait too long….)

OVER-CONTROLLED
Main hidden emotion is SELF-HATE
Not allowed to ‘be all you can be’ in our family, the very essence of our being was punished & rejected! Slowly we became controlling toward ourself, thinking this would please them

CONTROLLED
Main visible Emotion is FEAR
Not ‘being in our power’ makes us terribly vulnerable to everyone & everything round us, so it’s easy to let ourself be controlled, thinking we’ll be taken care of. All it gets us is more repression & damage

CONTROLLING
Main visible Emotion is ANGER
Not being internally ‘allowed’ to meet our needs pushes us to insist that others do it for us – any way they can. We desperately try to arrange our world to fit an ideal so we’ll feel safer.  We become the ‘control freak’ we hate so much in others!

BLAMING
In the present, ACoAs often accuse other adults of abandoning us when we feel hurt by some interaction or loss.  What we’re actually experiencing is the WIC’s unresolved old A. pain.
The intensity of our reaction is usually out of proportion to what’s actually happening – now. Naturally there are real-life situations that make us sad, frustrated, angry… but unless an event is extreme (death of a loved one, a life-threatening attack or illness, a fire…), most situations don’t warrant our level of reaction. Remember “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

When others “A.” us: When someone we’re hungry to be with doesn’t respond right back – we feel S-H but also get very angry. We’re as devastated as if they had threatened to take away our livelihood or our home, which are NOT = to being ignored or put off. Yet we get just as scared & blame ourself, wanting to control them to stop the pain.

When we Abandon others: We also have great FoA when we aren’t perfect. Talking too much, asking questions, expressing strong emotions – or standing up for ourself! – are NOT = to punching them, yet ACoAs can feel the same anxiety & self-hate as if we had!  So we over-explain, withdraw or grovel – to stave off being abused &/or left like we originally were at home!

NEXT: ACoAs Being Controlled, #1