alcoholism

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 4)

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cds & emotions
I CAN HAVE EMOTIONS
without having to act on them!

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconscious (#3)

 

1. THINKING  (cont)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS 

b. The CONSCIOUS (cont)
Changing our thinking patterns is a continuous, sometimes frustrating process. The more we understand how our brain & the process of change works, & what to expect, the more hope & patience we can have!

RECOVERY: Correcting our thinking leads to a more peaceful inner world. As ACoAs, it’s helpful to remember that this state is something we have to get used to – most of us find it boring at first. Eventually we come to appreciate & cherish the internal quiet. This is not boredom – which is an aspect of thinking, not feeling. It’s rather a sense of well-being!

2. EMOTIONS 
• In general, emotions are stored as physical memories of our experiences & can be recalled by experiencing events in the present they remind us of. These emotions may be comforting, pleasurable, relieving, exciting… OR scary, rageful, lonely…. We can’t directly choose what we feel, only what we think.

• Researchers tell us that anxiety** responses such as “fight or flight” originally had adaptive value for the human species, & are still legitimate forms of protection. Active defensive measures such as – seworriednsitivity to sound, the startle response, shallow breathing & increased heart rate – help people escape real dangers.
However, we rarely face the external dangers our ancestors did, so now we’re flooded with those same stressful chemicals from internal pressures (CDs) without enough physical outlets to burn them off.
(Post:  Anxiety & T.E.As) 

**Anxiety (diffuse fear) is the nervous system’s response to internal or external stressors (a painful loss, self-hate, a fight with someone….) which intensifies how we feel & then act, but needs to be triggered by CDs & negative thinking.
This has been shown on brain imaging scans. However, since CDs are conditioned over time & become unconscious habit, we simply don’t recognize the source of our fear.

• Cognitive (T) psychologists believe that some people are more biologically predisposed than others to ‘threat-sensitivity’ & the distress it causes. In such people, once anxiety (E) is triggered, it’s maintained, & increased IF negative thinking is added to the mix.

Extreme physical responses related to CDs, set off by in stressful situations, can spread to & contaminate other parts of our lives – from mildly uncomfortable to actually dangerous.
EXP: Obsessive worry (T) caused by projecting the loss of a relationship  – which is not imminent – can provoke a panic attack (E), with the same physical intensity as if you were being held at gunpoint!

• As adults, ACoAs too often make the CD mistake of ‘Emotional Reasoning’, assuming that if we feel a certain way, it must be true:  “I’m really, really scared today, so it’s not safe to leave the house”!
The WIC is having an intense feeling about something going on in our life (an exam, a new job, a break-up…) & wants to hide.
But the sense of impending doom is way out of proportion to the actual situation. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. And staying home alone may make it worse!

EXP: Your father may have only beaten you Many times or only occasionally) for stealing some change or sassing mom, that pain, fear & humiliation will always be associated with thoughts like “Dad doesn’t love me”, or “Parents are so unfair!”…. So now, anytime the boss (parent figure) is annoyed with you for making a mistake, you’re terrified, convinced you’ll get fired any minute now!

EXP : EMOTIONS re. ways adults can react to the death of a parent:
💦 A symbiotically attached ACoA will be devastated, partly from the loss of hope, partly from the depth of abandonment, perhaps also feeling guilt that things were left unfinished, & anger at being left. Sometimes they try suicide.

💘 A healthier person with sufficient S & I experience will be sad, mourning the loss & be aware that a permanent piece of their life is gone, but has a sound emotional & spiritual foundation to sustain them.

REVIEW posts: Emotional Maturity, and the series on EMOTIONS

NEXT: CDs – Results (#1)

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 3)

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sunrise
I CAN BRING TO LIGHT
what’s been hidden all these years!

PREVIOUS: CS & the Conscious (#2)

1. THINKING  (cont)

a. The UNCONSCIOUS (2. Emotions in Part 4)

b. The CONSCIOUS (cont)
MAKING CHANGES
• Consider the entry into the unconscious as a lens aperture.  It’s only natural that the wider the opening, the easier it is to let light in! We know that old info will try to keep out any new info that’s going to cancel it out!
So we need to use Recovery tools to become more receptive in this ‘adversarial’ situation, since too much tension closes us off to anything contradictory to our earliest training

When we begin to replace mental distortions (CDs) with positives, we may consciously say:
• “I’ve studied as much as I can & I’m not stupid.
• I’ve done well in the past, so I believe I’ll do well this time too.
• No matter what the outcome, I’ll be OK”

But because of unconscious programming,
at first we can expect :
💨 TO feel uncomfortable, because the statements don’t agree with the fear we’re experiencing at the moment
💨 TO have the PP tell us we’re ridiculous “Who do you think you are?”
💨 THE WIC to absolutely not believe you. Only the PP’s voice carries weight – until the UNIT is strong enough to takes over

• When we think: ”Oh no, what if I fail this test / I’ll never remember everything I read / I’m such a flake….” — we will feel anxious. This causes various physical reactions (tight stomach, heart pounding, headache….), which can add to the fear.

✶ This is to be expected!  Remember from INFO & the Brain: introducing new facts – contrary to what’s stored about a topic – will automatically be discounted. The unconscious is very good at maintaining the status quo.  As a built-in skill of the brain, it’s not a bad thing, as it helps retain consistency

• We can see how important it is for our minds to be stable & predictable when considering how crazy-making double-messages are! ACoAs got so many conflicting & confusing messages growing up that we end up convinced we’re crazy! But it’s not us.

add a positive ✓ One way to have access to the unconscious is to be physically & mentally relaxed. Also – liking something makes it more accessible.
Some ACoAs think it’s deceptive or arrogant to tell ourselves before an exam or interview: “….no matter what the outcome, I’m OK”.

So, instead, try : “I LIKE the idea of being ok, no matter what the outcome is…”,  which will dilate the aperture of the unconscious enough to slip in the rest: “… and I know that tomorrow I’ll remember what I read!”

• We don’t have to replace old beliefs – just add positive, healthy ones, creating different chemical pathways, which then take precedence as new mental habits.
The old routes will be less used, get weaker, & so not as easily fallen back into (regression). They’ll become a little like abandoned buildings – still there, but no longer lived in. This is good news for ACoAs who assume we have to get rid of all bad ideas before we’re ‘better’.

✓ The best time to substitute a subconscious thought pattern is when it’s currently playing in the mind, causing us anxiety.  Even though that’s when we “feel” least like doing it – replacing the thought right then will be most effective.

EXP: Picture being in a dive with a jukebox – if we push D4 (an event), a specific record will play (a CD) but this one is scratchy & annoying (painful emotions). That’s when it’s the exact time to put a new record on, to get rid of the grating noise!
But it doesn’t FEEL right (we refuse, as if it were illegal, and Mac-the-Knife is glowering at us — so it seems impossible.)

Yet, if we push thru the lead curtain of resistance, & “Rinse & Repeat” each time the old messages surface, it WILL get easier. Eventually we won’t have to work so hard to step on that old 45 & see it crack apart.
TIP: decide on a phrase or two that counters the Bad Voice (PP), & then practice them until they become automatic.

NEXT:   CDs & the Unconscious (#4)

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 2)

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THAT PESKY UNCONSCIOUS –
it’s been running my life & I didn’t even know it!

PREVIOUS: INFO & the BRAIN (#1)

 

1. THINKING  (cont)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS (2. Emotions in Part 4)

b. The CONSCIOUS mind is abstract, creative & aware, about such things as —
— thinking about what we’ve heard, seen or written
— what is intelligent & purposeful (having choices)

It doesn’t know what’s in the unconscious & doesn’t even want to acknowledge it, because it considers it too ‘simple & concrete’.  In spite of that ‘prejudice’, our conscious part only has about 15% control over forming experiences, while the subconscious is in charge of the other 85%, as the result of conditioning!

In general, Thoughts are latent but measurable forms of electro-magnetic energy, an important natural activity we produce!  Changes in thoughts change our biochemistry, hormones & brainwave patterns. Thoughts vibrate at different rates of oscillation, spreading out from the body like pond ripples. The speed & distance they travel depend on the frequency that generated them, so the way we think definitely has an effect on our environment

negative thoughts• Negative Thinking (CDs) assumes only difficulties & failures. It make us feel bad & decreases brain function, creating the same physical responses that any actual physical experience which would trigger anger or fear (blood pressure rise, cold sweats, hand tremors & flushed face, light-headedness & muscle weakness, rapid heart beat, shallow breathing, stomach knots….)

Thoughts are stored:
i. EITHER by mechanical repetition (like hours of reciting multiplication tables, practicing musical scales, rote prayers….)

ii. OR by pairing a thought or experience with an intense emotion.
When emotions connected to an event are too intense (painful), the whole thing will be repressed, especially if the distress is long-term or particularly traumatic, like most of our childhood, an abusive marriage, a severe illness….
✓ Think of your very earliest memory. Whether it was a pleasant event or not, it was anchored in your mind by a strong feeling!

AUTOMATIC
• Any often-repeated thought becomes so automatic that after a while we don’t even notice it. It’s now unconscious, out of awareness, but like Google, a complete record of our life.
It includes all our experiences & emotions: disappointments, delights, habits, joys, losses, pleasures, successes, traumas….. PLUS a collection of ‘beliefs & perceptions’. It’s all there – waiting to be discovered!

EXP: Growing up you were neglected & abused at home & bullied at school, with no one to protect or defend you. Now, any time you consider attending a group – no matter how innocuous – you have palpitations.
You think it’s only because you’re an Introvert & shy, but it’s more likely to be from unconscious CDs formed by early stresses – like Over-generalizing, Disqualifying the Positive, Unrealistic Comparisons, Projection….

Hidden : even though information is out of our awareness, continual thinking is still going on. When an emotionally upset ACoAs is asked: “What are you thinking or believing about this situation?”, most will answer : “I’m not”, or “I don’t know”, insisting they’re ‘just upset’

• Strong emotional reactions are always driven by automatic thoughts. With some encouragement & digging, the harmful thinking can be uncovered:
— coming from self-hate beating us down
— repeating insensitive or cruel things others have said to us
— projecting dire outcomes about something….

Automatic thinking can be either helpful or harmful:
• as a +,  it makes it easier to respond to life’s many tasks & situations without having to stop each time to figure them out – whether driving a car, doing our job, or raising children

• as a -, it causes problems when there’s flawed reasoning in the unconscious. Since we’re not aware of what we’re ‘saying’ to ourselves, we don’t know it is creating the emotional pain (anxiety, hopelessness, rage, unbearable loneliness….).
Instead, we blame the distress on something in our environment, which is only a trigger

EXP: 2 people are called in to see the boss. One goes in calmly, curious but confident. The other becomes more & more agitated while waiting his turn.  The difference is not the upcoming ‘talk’ but what each person is automatically, unconsciously thinking / believing about what’s going to happen.

NEXT: CDs & the UNCONSCIOUS (Part 2)

CDs & the Unconscious (Part 1)

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cds & thoughts


LIKE THE BIRTH OF NEW STARS
I can give birth to new thinking

PREVIOUS: CDs & the Unconscious (#1)

AA saying: “Alcoholics dig themselves into a rut, & then decorate it!”

1. THINKING  (2. Emotions in Part 4)
a. The UNCONSCIOUS mind is ‘just’ the result of patterning, conditioning & habit – therefore it’s basic – very B & W, not thinking, intelligent or creative, totally literal with no sense of humor! From our birth it absorbs info & experience without insight or good judgment.  So our early years provide the basis for all future learning, as the mind filters out inconsistencies.

NOTE: ‘Unconscious’ is the part of mind holding information we’ve gathered – which isn’t available just by wanting to access it, & can only be retrieved by special techniques or triggering events.

‘Subconscious’ is the level where unconscious memories drive our emotional reactions & behavior, without realizing it, like:
— seeing food suddenly making us hungry
— a deep-seated but untreated childhood trauma distorting our ability to make safe, rational decisions…..

• In the Cognitive Therapy model, distorted information-processing results in anxiety symptoms, such as catastrophizing, the excessive focus on negative outcomes leading to false alarms, hyper-vigilance, loss of objectivity, no tolerance for uncertainty, & ‘lack of habituation’ (not desensitized to a stressor -air travel- even with repeated exposure).

• This is familiar to ACoAs, who grew up in emotionally tense & physically dangerous environments, at home & outside, & now react with “fight, flight, freeze or appeasing“. Originally —
— Fight would have been with siblings, neighborhood kids, school peers, hurting animals or possessions, & sometimes self-harm
— Flight was more common. As long as we were too young to leave home we escaped into books, friends, school work, sports & of course fantasy. And for some – attempted suicide.
— Freeze was & still can be when our mind blanks out from fear, & we can’t think at all, called dissociation
— Fawn / Appease was & is people-pleasing, agreeing with anyone who scared us, being over-solicitous, over-giving….. anything to ‘placate the monster’

MODIFYING the Unconscious
self Qs• While there are people & situations we DO need to get away from – it’s always good to check our point of view first. This is not a blame or a judgement. There’s a big difference between what the WIC ‘feels’ or that the PP is telling us about ourselves & others – vs – how the Healthy Adult / Loving Parent sees things.

• So in terms of CDs, if we assume our pain is ONLY caused by something outside of ourselves, we waste a lot of energy trying to change the wrong things – another person, a job, a location…. rather than our frame of reference & inner beliefs. This endless wild-goose-chase leaves us feeling frustrated, out of control & hopeless. It reinforces our Victim role, keeping us convinced we can’t take care of ourselves

• A major purpose of some therapy styles is to bring up from the unconscious as much accumulated pain & distorted thinking as possible, so we can actively process emotions (Es) & correct False beliefs (Ts), which then gradually changes our behavior! (As) When we consistently, deliberately think in new ways, we add a 10-fold power to our conscious mind

FYI: Counseling, Coaching & some Therapies focus on current actions & thinking, NOT on the past & childhood programming – when most of our ACoA damage was formed!

psychiatry• Psychiatry & Psychoanalysis is deliberately structured so there’s almost NO feedback from the therapist. This has proven harmful for many ACoAs, because:
i. it’s a repeat of – no one responding to us as kids – leaving us yet again terribly alone with someone who’s supposed to be helpful!
ii. it doesn’t interfere with or correct our S-H & other distorted thinking, which we desperately need

iii. it ignores positive mirroring, also desperately needed – a healthy voice feeding back to us what we’re denying AND all of our wonderful native characteristics & accomplishments
iv. it doesn’t provide good role-model to emulate – caring, sensitivity & kindness, good boundaries, sane thinking….

✶ The most useful one-to-one therapy for most ACoAs is ‘family of origin’ work (FoO), based on a good understanding of family systems & addiction. It works best when it includes lots of well-boundaried interaction – and humor!

NEXT: CDs & The Unconscious (Part 3) Making changes

Cognitive Distortions – Intro (Part 3)

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vcxcognitive distortions

 

NOW I’M COMPLETELY CONFUSED –
B & W thinking makes me feel safe!

PREVIOUS: CDs Intro (#2)

ARTICLE: “The NOCEBO Effect”

4. Categories of INCORRECT THINKING 
There are more than 10 major kinds of Cognitive Distortions, over 40 kinds of Bias & almost 200 Fallacies. Part 4 gives a brief look at some. They’re all incorrect ‘logical’ arguments used to manipulate & control.

ACoAs are very susceptible to being conned by the WIC & PP’s use of CDs, but many people are also affected by anyone who uses twisted thinking to influence (advertisers, politicos, manipulative relationships…). This contributes to not feeling safe in the world, BUT we can protect ourselves by learning to recognize twisted thinking for what it is!

a. Cognitive DISTORTIONS (CDs): Exaggerated & irrational beliefs that contribute to & perpetuate certain psychological disorders. They can be divided into 3 groups of Negatives – re :
Views about the self (‘Mind-reading’), Views about the world, generally(‘Catastrophizing’) & Views about the future (‘Fortune Telling’).

b. Logical FALLACIES: Any part of an argument that’s flawed, making either a line of reasoning or the whole topic untrue. ALSO, when a seemingly plausible argument includes a mistaken idea (even if there are some valid parts) OR when we draw an incorrect conclusion from correct info.

ad-hoc fallacyEXP: A ‘post hoc’ fallacy insists on a direct cause and effect between 2 events, simply because one event preceded another:
i. I went to the jewelry store to look at rings
ii. While I was there, a masked man with a gun came in & robbed the store
iii. Since I was there before he came in, I must have something to do with the robbery!

Here the fallacy is the result of ignoring other relevant information around the 2 events, such as THAT:
— my being there was an unlucky coincidence
— the robber & I don’t know each other
— he’s robbed other stores I’ve never been in….

c. BIAS
• The human tendency to make systematic logic errors based on preconceived ideas, rather than evidence. They’re ‘one-sided’, favoring some outcomes over others, which interferes with the ability to be impartial & objective.  EXP of Gender Bias: ‘All boys are better at math than all girls’

• Biases can come from information-processing shortcuts, including errors in judgment, memory, or the cause of something – which drastically skew the reliability of personal accounts (experiences) or legal evidence (concrete proof). RESULT : Thinking Biases can harm our ability to make proper decisions, solve problems correctly, & limit the capacity to learn new information or ideas.

d. NOCEBO
We’ve know the term Placebo, used to identify both pleasant & harmful effects of the power of suggestion (voodoo dolls that cause pain or ‘fake’ medicines that reduce/eliminate pain).
In the 1990’s the term NOCEBO (Latin for “I will harm”) came into use in medicine. It’s anything that in itself is benign or neutral (the color of a pill or a type of plant), but which can cause symptoms of illness by the suggestion or belief that it IS harmful.  This belief can come from inside or outside of ourselves.

nocebo• ‘Nocebo’ was originally used to label the harmful, unpleasant, or undesirable reactions some test subjects actually exhibited when given an inert dummy drug.
The very real physical reactions were not created chemically, but entirely due to the subjects’ pessimistic outlook & expectations.

• A psychiatrist at Boston’s Brigham & Women’s Hospital, found in a recent review of the nocebo literature that – patient expectations of possible harmful side-effects of a drug – played a significant role in the outcome of their care (Arthur Barsky, et al. 2002)
• In another study, more than 2/3 of 34 volunteering college students developed headaches when told that’s what could happen from a (non-existent) electrical current passing through their heads.

All Cognitive Distortions are mental nocebos!  Since CDs are incorrect assumptions or belief that negatively influence how we feel & act, those irrational conclusions causing untold emotional or physical injury to ourselves & others.
(From ‘Skeptic’s Diary’)

NEXT: CDs Overview

Cognitive Distortions – Intro (Part 2)

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universe 2MY THINKING?
It’s just fine, thank you very much!

PREVIOUS: CDs – Intro (Part 1)

SITE : Cognitive Distortions QUIZ

QUOTE: “The most dangerous of all falsehoods is a slightly distorted truth.” – Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

3. NOTE to ACoAs
LOGICAL Argument
DEF : It consists of one or more premises (assertions, hypotheses) & one conclusion that’s offered in support of the claims being made – each being either a T or F declarative statement. If any one of these components is in error, the whole argument becomes invalid (LOGIC….)

👁‍🗨 Knowing what our CDs are & then correcting them, a day-at-a-time, is very important – even tho it’s not as ‘sexy’ as some topics – because keeping these ideas in mind will help counter our:
✓ frustration at the slowness of change in Recovery
✓ discomfort & awkwardness in trying out new thinking or activities
✓ self-hate for the way we’ve been functioning most of our life
✓ confusion & misunderstanding about the causes of our pain, now

REMINDER
CDs are part of our Wounded Inner Child (WIC) ego state, in agreement with the Bad Parent voice (PP).
When negative or harmful beliefs – hidden from ourselves in the unconscious – contradict the good things we consciously want, no matter how sincerely, which one wins?
Of course, the bad ones, because they’ve been with us the longest & they connect us to our family. (INFO & the Brain)

“The human body & mind are highly receptive to the messages & feelings put out by the thinker (YOU). How we feel about ourselves impacts how we function. When you think, “I’m ugly / I’m stupid / I’m no good / I’m fat….,” your body & mind assumes it’s true. Consciously & subconsciously, these beliefs impact & impair delicate functions of physical & mental processes — including the immune system – restricting the flow of creativity, holistic thought, self-expression & joy.” Modified from ErinJanus.com.
To heal, we have to identify & own the CDs. Then slowly, gently replace them.

CDs are profound MISUNDERSTANDINGS about:
a. Other people’s motivations (He didn’t call me again because I’m boring)
b. The meaning or importance of one particular event (I didn’t get that job so I’ll never be able to do what I love)
c. The likelihood that a similar circumstance will happen again (No one talked to me at that event so there’s no point in ever going there again)
d. The outcome or consequences of a particular situation  (Since I can’t learn a foreign language, I’m ever going to be able to travel, even though I’d love to)

WHY are CDs so ‘appealing’?
It’s not enough to say they’re a familiar & very longstanding mental habit. This is true physically (see previous post re. the brain), but the other piece is emotional  / psychological – providing Negative Benefits which keep them in play

• Some CDs reinforce our WIC’s grandiose sense of responsibility for everything that happens to us & around us
• Others provide a misguided sense of stability. Since our childhood was unpredictable & dishonest & chaotic, the rigid absoluteness of CDs makes it seem like we have something concrete to rely on for ‘guidance’

• Some keep us enslaved to our self-hate & harmful people or situations
• Others keep us so confused by their incomplete info & incorrect conclusions that we can stay in a mental fog (dissociated) without having to figure out what we truly believe or need

And ALL of them maintain a ‘black-hat / deep state’ connection to our dysfunctional past. Consistently obeying CD rules of any kind means we don’t have to think for ourselves, & so never have to S & I, or become responsible for our own freedom!

More AUTHORS
Aaron Beck first proposed the theory behind C.D.s (1967) and David Burns (1980) was responsible for popularizing it with common names and examples.
Freeman & DeWolf (1992) and Freeman & Oster (1999) added: “Externalization of self-worth; Comparison; Perfectionism”.
Gilson & Freeman (1999) identified eight other C.D.s: the Fallacies of Attachment; Being right; of Change; of Control; of Fairness; of Ignoring;  of Heaven’s Reward & of Worrying.

NEXT: CDs – Examples

Cognitive Distortions – Intro (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
That doesn’t make sense!

PREVIOUS: Why are you Stuck?

ARTICLE: “Thoughts Change Brain Chemistry”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

1. DEF: Cognitive Distortions (CDs ) are forms of  false logic, called stinkin’ thinkin’ in AA, which are the technical ideas behind the ACoA Laundry List  – therefore represent self-defeating ways of Thinking.   (List of CD in Part 4)

They are ways our mind convinces us of things that are not actually true but sound rational if not looked at carefully. They’re used to reinforce negative beliefs & painful emotions, which only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves, & create constant problems in relationships.

A CD is: “Any type of inaccurate way of dealing with information, which predictably results in identifiable errors in thinking”. This includes:
– Deficient Processing, causing an unwanted consequence because we didn’t think about it at all, or didn’t think it all the way thru to its inevitable outcome – ignoring prior knowledge
– Deficient Thinking, which causes something to go wrong because of a faulty filter (CDs) applied to available information about a situation

NOTES
• Anyone can use cognitive distortions. However – active addicts, people with low self-esteem &/or anyone living in traumatic, stressful, ‘trapos/neg newspped’  environment – will use these skewed ways of thinking more often than those who have easier lives.
The day-to-day situations of some, like war survivors, gang members, battered wives, the underprivileged, many addicts & millions of suffering children…. are so wretched & fear-filled, that without cognitive distortions, they wouldn’t be able to manage or function

• One study showed that depressed & non-depressed people were equally able to learn negative information, but depressed people found it much harder to learn / take in / remember positive information. Everyone seems to easily remember negative events, but depressives focus on them.
(Journal of Behavior Therapy & Experimental Psychiatry, 3/09)

• Kendall (1992) suggested that more accurate perceptions of the world do not always lead to better mental health or behavioral adjustment. CDs that are positively skewed can be very useful in certain environments, although a ‘too positive’ view of things may just be narcissism (or being dissociated / or in denial)!

thinking brain2. OUR BRAIN – A little Chemistry as it relates to our THINKING
a. Our brains has hundreds of different types of chemicals, arranged in a highly complex design.
Stimuli (what we hear, see, think, do, feel…) trigger 30 + known neuro-transmitters.  Some are relatively stable structural molecules that create the anatomy (hardware) of the brain.  Others are non-structural, making the physiology (software). It takes both types of chemicals to make our brain work.

• This chemistry influences hormone secretion from various sites throughout the brain, such as the hypothalamus & pituitary, and these hormones then carry messages to distant organs in the body (Post: ‘Anger & the Brain, Part 1‘)

b. THOUGHTS cause actual microscopic changed in this elaborate system. Each of the billions of brain cells make connections with others when stimuli or thoughts trigger chemical discharges (the neuro-transmitters). Electrical impulses, via ions, send that information throughout the central nervous system.

c. The biochemicals released whenever we think are pumped into the bloodstream, creating changes in the whole body. Every thought is embedded at some level in the molecules of our brain.
One group of chemicals is triggered by a negative state of mind (like adrenalin & cortisol, changes in norepinephrine levels, & a serotonin deficiency), while others (like serotonin & dopamine) are generated by positive thoughts. (from “Open2Transformation”)

d. All beliefs we mentally nurture (repeat / obsess about) actually influence brain chemistry. In general, the more we think something, the more connections are formed about it.  But harmful ones, such as project the disastrous outcome of an event, block the flow of energy to the whole body.

– ACoAs who constantly think scary, self-hating, what-if thoughts have formed deep grooves, with different neural links, making those the path of least resistance (easiest).
– In contrast, repeating pleasant, realistic, hopeful ideas will get stronger by forming their own grooves, which provide the impetus to become practical life-affirming habits (actions).

NEXT: CDs – Intro (Part 2)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

I GET IT –
this has little or nothing to do with ME

PREVIOUS: Positive responses #5

SITE: 6 Steps to Help you Handle Conflict

 

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle (cont)
🔸BETTER ways to respond (cont from Parts 4 & 5) :
a. Say nothing / b. Review /
c. Speak Up / d. Walk away / e. Rebut / f. Iron out

g. Arbitration
Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.54.22 PM.pngSometimes the only way to resolve a dispute is to get help from a 3rd party.  This may be couples counseling, a minister, a lawyer, a respected colleague or friend. Don’t feel ashamed or afraid to ask for help!

h. Legal Action – the Final “Solution”
When we’ve tried every other method of communication & the other party either doesn’t respond, or continues to be abusive, this option may be the only recourse to getting a situation corrected.  It may be money that’s owed, rights being violated, or someone putting us in physical danger.  We have a right to protect ourselves – even if it’s from a family member!

NOTE: If we’re having a conflict with an unrecovered person or group (especially if they’re narcissists &/or active addicts), no matter how ‘clean’ our own motives & actions are, it’s likely they will be angry at us IF we stand up for ourselves.

If you believe you’ve done all you can, in a respectful way, DO NOT let your own co-dependence tell you that you’ve done something wrong, just because the other person is unhappy that you’re sticking to your truth!

Recovery RE-CAP – The goal of dealing with a stressor is to:
1. Acknowledge our painful emotions
2. Identify which of our buttons got pushed
3. Pay attention to any Cognitive Distortions
4. Find an appropriate way to vent our fear and anger
5. Take the appropriate actions to take care of ourselves without being vengeful
6. Look for possible realistic solution where both parties win
7. Move on if that’s the only option.
🧎🏽‍♂️   💔   🧎🏽‍♂️
ACoA DILEMMA
When ACoAs are told by someone that our relationship, employment or partnership is over (any type), we’ll be flooded with emotional & physical pain, because of the agony of feeling abandoned. Even if some part of us is relieved, it’s very hard to accept that the other person / company / group doesn’t want us – just like or family!

Typically – we’ll want to hang on & maybe try to convince them to change their mind – beg, bully, cry, demand, whine, kiss-butt, make unrealistic promises — but ultimately the other person says:  ‘I’m outa here’,  ‘you’re fired’,  ‘don’t come back’ ….

▶ When ACoAs are told that we have to ‘let go’ of someone who does not care about us, or does NOT want to be with us,
the response of our WIC is often : “NO! Why should ONLY they get what they want (leaving)?
What about what I want (to hang on)? If I let go, they win!”
REALITY  
YOU don’t** win anything IF the other person:
• stays UNwillingly from weakness, inertia, their own FoA …. or
• lets you stay (marriage, job, apartment….) from pity, guilt, co-dependent kindness, religion….

**RESULT – Someone allowing themselves to be manipulated or coerced by us does not indicate their acceptance, nor magically generates genuine love for us. Our kid does know that – on some deep level. Ignoring this truth keeps us feeling unsafe & having to endlessly ‘sing for our supper’ – without ever getting nourished!

OUR DAMAGE
OF COURSE, in many cases we simply don’t have a choice. They’re gone.
But if you’re still hanging on & on – knowing you’re not wanted (OUCH!) – it’s because you won’t admit the other person:Screen Shot 2016-06-22 at 9.55.05 PM
• is not actually capable of loving you & never did (your fantasy) and/or
• has used you up & doesn’t need you anyone !(their narcissism)
Bottom line: if you were to accept the ending, your S-H tells you that no one else will ever want you & then you’ll be alone forever. Sound familiar?

RECOVERY
When we develop Mental & Emotional health we learn that:
• we have the right to be loved & accepted for who we really are, without ‘prostituting’ ourselves (‘love buying’)
• we can only get that from people who are already capable of healthy connections & who are genuinely compatible with us

NEXT: Cognitive Distortions

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

floral 5NOW I HAVE MANY MORE CHOICES
than when I was a child

PREVIOUS: Positive Responses (#4)

SITE: 10 Tips for Handling Work Conflict

3 POSTS: ACoAs Dealing with CRITICISM

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

Review “Events+Emotions+PositiveThinking” parts of chart

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle (cont)
🔸BETTER ways to respond (cont. from Part 4) =
 a. Saying nothing

b. Review
If the “problem” Event was the result of one or both people not listening carefully to what each was saying, & then jumping to a conclusion —> what’s needed is for us to check if what we heard was what was they meant. T.E.A. will include:
🚦paraphrasing each side, then asking for validation (Yes) or clarification (No). Acknowledge what each person felt (Es) about the dispute, & see if there’s a legitimate, respectful conclusion / agreement – or not  (T or A)

c. Speak Up
For this to be effective it has to come from the Healthy Adult ego state.  When we’re able to do that, it breaks the spell of tit-for-tat between the WIC-PP interactions of any 2 people, or one person in an unsympathetic group

EXP: Joe & Bev are in a good long-term relationship. In the early days when they were ironing out some kinks, Joe occasionally expressed frustration with himself: “I’m no good for nothing!”
One time, annoyed with Bev, he said “You’re no good for nothing”.
She didn’t comment, knowing he was projecting his self-hate. More importantly – she could feel in every cell of her body that the remark did not apply to her.  So Bev calmly replied: “You know, that’s not a nice thing to say to anyone, Joe”.  And he never said it again!

d. Walk Away
walk away There are times when physically leaving is the best option.  It may only happen once in a whole relationship – but it is a way of saying to the other person:
• I won’t put up with this, but I won’t fight with you
• I can’t stop you from being a jerk, but I don’t have to listen
• it’s better if I leave than say something I’ll regret
• you’re obviously not being an adult right now (either coming from PP or WIC) & I’m not going to interact with you until you are
• if you continue talking to / treating me this way, we’re done!

speak upe. Rebut / Disagree
It’s legitimate to correct a person’s misconception or outright lie about us
— IF we can do it from a calm place – because we’re secure in our self-evaluation &
— IF the other person / group is receptive.
This is not arrogance or anxiety, it’s simply making a statement of fact.
We don’t have to actually convince someone we’re right. What’s important is that our WIC will know we stood up for the truth

f. Iron it Out
If a job or a relationship is important enough to us, we can try working it out with the ‘adversary’. For it to have any value, each party has to be able to acknowledge their side of the problem, without blame.
✶ It does not guarantee a ‘happy ending’, only self-respect
EXP:
Maxine & Denise have been friends for a while but not BFFs.  One day they’re talking about their taste in clothes. Maxine knows Denise was once a fashion designer & is pushing for an opinion on her newest purchase. Denise makes the mistake of giving an honest evaluation, which hurts Maxine’s feelings, who then gets a little nasty.

• They go home upset but decide the following week to talk about it. When they get together again, they’re both able to own what they reacted to – what was behind Maxine’s question, why Denise was so blunt & what buttons got activated in each.
They leave the dinner knowing they’ve cleaned up the small mess between them & feel good about that. However, they also realize they both have unhealed wounds that happen to overlap. So to prevent hurting each other again & again, they don’t continue their friendship.

NEXT: Positive Responses (#6)

POSITIVE Responses to Painful Events (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

Sfloral 4 LET’S SEE –

what’s the best way to handle this?

PREVIOUS: Positive Reactions – Thinking (#3)

REVIEW Parts 1-3 — Events, Emotions, Realistic Thinking

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

4. APPROPRIATE ACTIONS Circle
First: Let’s THINK, take a minute to breath, grab hold of our kid – if he or she is getting overwhelmed.  Being healthy does not mean we won’t periodically react in old ways, which will depend on how deep certain wounds are – like the depth of our childhood abandonment pain.
It does mean we can develop better alternative responses to difficult situations that get stronger than the pull of our damage

Second: Check in to see what emotions are being stirred.  Our actions will be based on how well we understand ourself in that moment
Third: Check mental files for a ‘pre-recorded’ words or phrase we’ve practiced for stress occasions. We can draw from the list of “Effective Responses” – they really work
• Talking or being silent are both a kind of action – active or passive.  What matters is which Ego State they’re coming from

EXP: Gina was sitting in a 12-Step meeting, listening to the thin, angry blond woman in all black leather go on & on for 5 minutes about how she HATED EVERYBODY! Gina’s immediate thought (from her WIC) was to go over & sooth the woman, be a friend, commiserate….
but this time Gina’s inner Good Parent took over & said to the kid: “NO WAY! Didn’t you just hear her?? She said everybody – that includes you. You’re not exempt just because you care, & you’re not going to change her to make yourself feel safe from her anger!”

🔸 BETTERsilence WAYS to RESPOND
a. Say Nothing – there are times when the only thing that makes any sense is to be quiet. We can give someone a quizzical or angry look, or just a smile. A genuine laugh may be called for when something ridiculous or outrageous has been said, & no other response is possible! BUT NOT from anger or derision. Rather – with humor, perhaps a sense of irony, even identification. Who hasn’t said something stupid or insensitive?

Some reasons to not do or say anything:
• it’s not a safe time or place
• it’s not worth the effort
• others are around & you’d do yourself some harm
• you know the person or situation can’t be corrected or improved OR
• it’s someone you know, & they’re having a bad-hair-day
• you need time to process what just happened

➼ LETTING GO of being heard, of being right, of getting what you want, of fairness… is sometimes the ONLY possibility, & takes a level of emotional maturity to handle

EXP: Sandra’s sponsee asked if she’s be at Friday nite’s meeting & she said yes.  That day she developed a cold & decided to stay in bed.  Sat. morning the sponsee called very angry: ”Why didn’t you show up last nite? You said you’d be there & I brought you flowers for your B/day! You’re so unreliable, I can’t believe you stood me up….”

Sandra told her she was sick, but the woman didn’t care. A week later, when they saw each other, the sponsee started up again, berating her.  Sandra just stood there & listened. She decided that, knowing this person, nothing she could say would make a difference.  So after a few minutes she said: “OK, bye” & left.  That was the end of their association.

✶ Sandra was aware that by not making the effort to convince her sponsee of her innocence, the other woman believed Sandra was agreeing with her & admitting being at fault!
It was something Sandra had to ‘swallow’ & help her WIC live with. But she’d learned from painful experience that trying to justify herself to someone with a closed mind only made a fool of herself!
It’s especially painful for us to be accused wrongly – at any time – but in this case she’d never be believed anyway, so why try doing the impossible? (“Serenity Prayer – backwards“)

NEXT: Positive Responses – Part 5 (more actions)