alcoholism

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

CRUELTY COMES IN MANY FORMS –
& they all hurt my feelings!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Abuse (Part 1)

SITE: Types of Emotional Abuse 


EMOTIONAL REACTIONS to Emotional Abuse (E.A.)
✶ The most important thing to remember is that ALL categories of abuse cause emotional damage. We need  to notice how those actions or words make us feel emotionally – as in – NOT happy!

UNDER – No matter how much head knowledge we have about our issues, without doing deeper FoO work many ACoAs have a hard time even recognizing familiar abuses as they’re happening, much less feel an emotional sting. If we’re still numb from old pain & lack of self-care, it’s very hard to connect depression & S-H with being exposed to E.A.

• It’s as if we were wearing that huge white medical collar that vets sometimes put on dogs/cats – we can see over the top, but not the knife in someone’s hand as they stick it in our gut – especially if they’re smiling!
We may feel some pain, but don’t understand that it’s truly coming from outside of ourself. As trained victims from childhood, we always assume that – if we’re hurting – it a sure sign there’s something wrong with us. NOT SO!

OVER – When we do over-react emotionally to a person or event, the tricky part is being able to over-reactseparate what just happened in the present from the accumulated suffering of past abuse. Often it IS a combination of the two, in layers – like when someone’s only ‘stepped on your toe’

Instead, it feels like the foot has been cut off & we’re left bleeding, because of all the times our family did the same thing to us.
Whenever we have an intense reaction we know “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. We need to validate our fear, outrage, sadness…. while still staying in the present moment & seeing reality.
SO,  we can:
• double check** if something was actually an abusive situation – or are we reading into it (projection) because it’s so similar from the past.
⚙︎ ASK: “Did this current event call for such an intense reaction?
Do I feel like I’m being stomped on, discarded like garbage or my life is being threatened – when all someone did was not text immediately back, looked at me ‘funny’’, not said hello, told me what to do…..

** ‘Checking’ may include asking someone we trust for an evaluation of the event, or going back to the original person & asking what they meant by ___?, or why they did ____?.
Whether they tell us the truth or not, many times their answer will be surprising – it’s not what we thought they meant, because it had nothing to do with us.  So we could not have guessed what they actually meant!  It’s important to ask.
work abuseWe can also:
• identify unpleasant or inappropriate words & actions that did actually happen, instead of ignoring the event or how we feel. They weren’t just in our imagination.
For some ACoAs this may take outside validation too, including comparing lists of ‘My Rights’ against Abusive Behaviors.

✶ All Over & Under-reactions come from our WIC or PP. Appropriate responses (not reactions) come from our UNIT.
Learning to tell the difference between actual abuse & our projections or paranoia comes from internalizing the healing of Recovery work + accumulated information about present-day reality + validating our feelings & experiences – via meetings, reading, healers & therapists.

UNPREDICTABILITY
a. Their Reactions
• Perps have drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts –
✓ with unpredictable, irrational changes in reaction to you or your normal behaviors
✓ who will say one thing one day & the opposite the next, &
✓ will like what you do one day & hate it the next…
SO: mood swings
• being maddeningly inconsistent, you never know what’s expected of you
• you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop
• you have to stay hyper-vigilant so you know when to ‘duck’

b. Constant Chaos – THEY
• are ‘addicted to drama’ causing endless upheaval for everyone
• change plans or ‘rules’ at the last minute, without informing you
• keep you off-balance, never knowing what’s real or ‘safe’, so they have all the power
• often start arguments, disagreements, create conflicts
• make promises you depend on, but rarely follow thru

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 3)

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I’M ALWAYS DRAINED or ANNOYED
after being with that person!

PREVIOUS: Grandiosity vs Normal

BOOK: “Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

REVIEW posts on Emotions


EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)
How others treat us is about them (their damage or health).
AND –  How we react to others is about us (our wounds or Recovery!)

“Emotional abuse is the foundation of all other types. It’s the most damaging part of physical, sexual, mental….(PMES) trauma done to our heart & soul, the way we were betrayed by the people we love & trust.  It’s is a devastating, debilitating mutilation of our essence – the deepest lasting wound of any abuse .” (MORE….)
“Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

• E.A. is also sometimes referred to as Psychological or Mental Abuse, divided into Verbal Aggression, Dominant and Jealous Behaviors – by the “Conflict Tactics Scale”.
Unlike sexual or physical mistreatment, which can cause lasting trauma with only one event, E.A. comes from repeated exposure. E.A. is :
— anything that causes fear by intimidation (US Justice Dept)
pulling hair— motivated by urges for “power & dyscontrol”** (Health Canada)

**Dyscontrol : “A pattern of abnormal, episodic or frequently uncontrollable social behavior, of repeated acts of violent aggression in an otherwise normal person, markedly out of proportion to events that provoked it, which are caused by brain disorders OR substance abuse”

E.A. comes in many guises, obvious or subtle. It’s violence experienced in any relationship which is just as damaging as physical assaults, if not more so, because it goes to the core of who we are as human beings. (Wikipedia)
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise of “teaching, advising, correcting, and/or guiding”, & therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison year after year.

“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … not about words, because Perpetrators don’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather an untraceable poison……
They may in fact, speak very kind words to you, and so – to everyone else – will seem nothing but supportive.  Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time.  So the impact is gradual, not immediately visible.”
~ from “THIS IS HOW” Augusten Burroughs
NOTICING 
E.A. can be very difficult to identify because:
a. very often there are no outward signs, such as physical scars or broken bones – ‘only’ breaking of the spirit!
It includes the use of coercion, insults, neglect, threats …. to control another person, who loses (or never gains) self-esteem & the freedom to grow.
Victims of E.A. blame themself for the mistreatment, & their S-H makes them cling to perpetrator, staying because they believe they have nowhere else to go, & no one else will want them.

b. it’s so common in our culture that we don’t consider it a problem. Alice Miller’s “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing & the Roots of Violence” (1980) describes this issue. Read Review .
And her “Banished Knowledge” book is about how we’re taught from early on to ignore being treated badly (T.) & how that feels (E.) Read Review.   People who are emotionally hurtful are everywhere, & are usually oblivious to the effect they have on their Victim(s).

Perpetrators (P)  includes people who:
• don’t consider our personality when interacting to us (only their own)
• make a judgmental or belittling comment to us in front of others
• only talk & think about themself (no room for us)
• tease us using things they know we’re sensitive about
• tell us what to do, how to think, how to feel
• try to make us take care of them, make us feel guilty, act needy…..
• try to fix us with action-suggestions, when we only need an ear & empathy

ALSO, the people around the P’s target often validate pubic humiliation & thoughtless or cruel remarks by laughing, as if the mean comment was clever & amusing. It’s a way to cheer the perpetrator on – long as it’s not being done to them! This can come from siblings, school mates, co-workers, club members…
When we are the target – we feel terribly alone, hurt & angry.

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 2)

GRANDIOSITY and ‘NORMAL’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING –
I’m not weak or wounded!

PREVIOUS: Victim or not? #2

Review posts: “Rescuing”  //  “Process“


DISTORTED  COPING  (P = Perp / V = Victim)
As long as ACoAs have trouble facing the trauma of being a Victim IN childhood, we can’t outgrow that state -because it lives in our WIC & keeps getting acted out all over our life.  Another ‘backwards’ ACoA pattern :
while we do many destructive victim-y things to ourself & let others do them to us, we also are masters at trying to cover up the inner wounds, the same way battered people try to hide broken bones & external bruising.

1. NORMAL
a. Normal can mean what is average for any location or situation, but may be positive or negative & is never absolute
EXP– It’s the norm for :
▫️people in a bar to drink a lot
▫️men in prison to be raped
▫️children of addicts to be scarred
OR It’s the norm for :
▫️country air to be healthier than city air
▫️money to make life easier
▫️great teachers to produce some excellent students.

b. Normal can also mean anything that is the opposite of unhealthy, & is only positive.  NORMAL is being:
▫️a whole human being, by taking care of ourself
▫️part of a community & helping others
▫️happy & productive, with satisfying relationships
Normal is for Love to heal broken hearts & minds…..

✶ ACoAs desperately want to be ‘normal’, as in ‘b’, while not wanting to admit being damaged / wounded (NOT defective), with all it’s weaknesses, so not having to do the hard work of Recovery to become healthy.  This false-normal is a facade to cover our lack of self-esteem & to quiet the bad voice (the PP), rather than being genuinely OK at our core.
normalMany of us don’t want to ask for any kind of help, or be in groups that focus on healing, because “They’re all crazy & I’m not like them!”  But Al-anon reminds us that “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”  It’s one thing to feel empowered & be able to face life’s difficulties with equanimity & guts. It’s another to over-compensate for our un-acknowledged & unhealed history with grandiosity.

EXP: Trish was never taken care of as a child, even in basic ways, & was eventually left by her weak father to take care of her violent, mentally ill mother. In spite of not having any self-esteem or knowledge about self-care, in her early 20’s her talent as a performer got her periodic jobs in small venues.

One day she found out she was pregnant, but wasn’t ready for motherhood & scheduled an abortion – for the same day that she had a gig in a local mountain club. She went to the doctor in the am – alone, & that afternoon drove up to the resort to sing – still alone & in pain.
It never occurred to her to have the operation on a different day, to have someone go with her, or that there was anything amiss about combining the 2 events – until pointed out to her by a therapist 20 yrs later. To her it was all normal !

2. GRANDIOSITY – at its simplest, it’s how a person sees themself as bigger, better, more capable than they really are. It often leads to putting oneself in jeopardy, as big as extreme physical activities, taking unprotected financial or sexual risks, or as ‘small’ as always crossing the street just as the cars start moving forward, smoking for years….
They act as if they’re invincible, magically untouched by the laws of nature or common sense.
BTW : ‘Normal’ grandiosity does include the person having a degree of insight into their overblown ideas – aware their behavior is unusual or unrealistic – just not crazy. But those with grandiose delusions lack this capability for reality-testing.

MAIN CHARACTERISTICS
IRONY: It’s typical of many ACoAs, using it as defense to hide intense unworthiness. Gs:
1. believe they don’t need other people
2. don’t recognize normal human limitations, nor their own
3. exaggerate talents, capacity & achievements, are boastful or pretentious
4. feel unique, special or superior, compared to others. May not admit it even to themself, because it’s not part of S-H
Gs :
5. live in grand fantasies, without taking realistic actions
6. look down on others who won’t take the same chances – as weak or cowardly
7. generally criticize, nit-pick & downgrade other people’s projects, achievements, ideas & dreams – as ‘small’

IMP: Grandiosity hurts ourself AND is abusive to others

NEXT: Grandiosity #2

VICTIMS or NOT? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

HOW BAD WAS IT?
It’s hard for me to know!

PREVIOUS: Victims or Not?

REVIEW: “Feeling Sorry For….”

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

VICTIMs or NOT?  (V = victim , P = Perpetrator / abuser)
Victims can be of any age or gender & from any socio-economic level. While standards differ by culture, it occurs in every country. Because being a V. is often created at an early age, being abused (learned helplessness) is passed from generation to generation like a family disease, called the “inter-generational cycle”.

Victim’s reaction to abuse is great confusion. 
“Do I have a right to say, or even think, that what’s happening is really Abuse? I doubt it. After all, sometimes the other person is nice to me & fun to be with, says they can’t live without me, & tells me they’re sorry. And their actions aren’t always obvious to others, so I may just be making it all up!  Is feeling overwhelmed (self-doubting, drained, fearful, angry, frustrated, hopeless …) about what they are doing, or am I just over-reacting?”

ACoAs often get things backward: (S-H vs Truth)
OLD/NEWThe distorted logic of our self-hate says :
1. it wasn’t all that bad (although some part of us know it was)
2. they DID love us / they did the best they could
3. we were NOT really Victims – just annoying, needy, selfish, weak, bad, flawed kids – & will be forever!

Actually, sanity tells us the truth
✺ We did go thru a terribly painful, chaotic childhood – very real Victims of our home, neighborhood, school, religion, & playground.  We had no choice & very few options at the time. We were Vs then, BUT don’t have to be Vs any more.

YET, as long as we hold on to the S-H lies as our main internal reality, we’re stuck & can’t fully heal. Before Recovery – & sometimes long into it – ACoAs’ reaction to early trauma is either Perpetual Victim or Stoic.

a. Perpetual Victim:  Many ACoAs are still actively living in the old destructive patterns set out for us, & refuse to give up the V. role.
Their attitude is: “I was then & am forever a casualty of my family / school / church…..  I just can’t cope with life, so you can’t expect me to function. I can’t do anything differently now because I’m so debilitated by those experiences. Someone has to take care of me”….
We stay “sick” to stay loyal to our Parents, so we don’t have to:
• do the lifelong hard work of healing our wounds (feel the old pain, change CDs)
• fully take care of ourself as healthy adults, especially if we had to do that for a parent & siblings when we were kids. “Been there – done that”

The is one of many ACoA ironies:
🔶 we cling to deep denial – the abuse & neglect didn’t affect us!
BUT
🔷 we won’t try to heal & be comfortable because we’d lose the proof of what did happened to us back then! “If I get better, no one will ever know how bad it was, & I want everyone to see it & feel sorry for me!”.

This partially comes from a sad reality that most people in our culture assume that if someone ‘looks good / does well’ it means that :
the person is healthy, always had it easy, must have come from a good home, don’t have any problems & never needed to overcome anything.

So, ACoAs who desperately long for external validation for our trauma – from everyone – believe we can only get it if we stay miserable.
This keeps us torturing ourselves unnecessarily – a great shame. We DO need validation, from a few legitimate sources, but then it has to be internalized, so we always “know what I know” in any setting. (re. ACEs – w/ Tree)

re. Self-Pity – from John W. Garner (HEW Sec.)
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics. It’s addictive, gives momentary pleasure, & separates the victim from reality.” For ACoAs – IT’S:
NEGATIVE: being perpetually immersed in the “poor-me’s”
POSITIVE: having deep compassion for ourself – not wallowing. (POSTs “Feeling Sorry for“).
We do have to mourn the loss of all the needs we never got met – a crucial part of Recovery, & the beginning of Transformation. (More…. re. image)

«
NEXT: Victim or NOT (Stoic)  #2

Considering Abuse

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I’M SO UNHAPPY BEING WITH THEM
but it must be my fault!

PREVIOUS: Principles of    Character

SITE: re. Categories of abuse

NOTE: This series will have many lists of abusive behaviors, in many categories, & from different perspectives, so there will be a lot of over-lap in headings & examples. This is deliberate. As kids we HAD to ignore, trivialize or forget what was done to us, & then act out those self-destructive patterns in our adult life.

We must identify exactly what happened before we can change it, & repetition is useful in breaking thru our denial. Also, reading or hearing something in different wording & context can more easily get past our defenses. The main (but not exclusive) focus of these posts is on Emotional Abuse.

DEF : Abuse – are all the painful things done to us & around us as kids, & comes in each of 4 PMES categories,
and Neglect – are all the good things we didn’t get, growing up

ABUSE : In general, it’s any communication or behavior designed to control & enslave someone. In alcoholic & narcissistic families it was to keep us ‘in our place’, to prevent us from leaving home, to punish us for not being who or what the Perpetrators expected, or wanted!
It is & was done by causing continual fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion & manipulation.

Its any form of intrusion into another’s psyche, including :
• a desire to to denigrate, to ignore, to causes pain
• financial, intellectual or spiritual tactics, ranging from mild to lethal
• ignoring or making fun of another’s basic needs & interests
• verbal, physical, sexual &/or emotional attacks
• not respecting privacy, being brutally honest with a sadistic sense of humor, consistently tactless, expect too much

⚙︎ Most people automatically assume ‘abuse’ only refers to physical harm – yelling, hitting, beating, broken bones …. so will firmly state: “I was never abused growing up”. However, because human beings are made up of 4 interlocking categories (PMES = Physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual) we can be wounded OR encouraged in many ways at each level.

Being abused can happen just once with someone, or when subjected to a bully for a short time. But usually it’s a long-term pattern of behavior by a severely damaged, cruel, angry &/or mentally ill person who uses their position (as parent, boss, teacher, mate, older sibling or friend, community leader…. ) to:
▷ intimidate others who have less personal or social power, OR
▷ take advantage of those who by nature or training are more accommodating, compliant & sensitive

While most people on occasion act unkindly, even cruelly, when provoked or under great stress, what we’re looking at here is ongoing attitudes & actions that tear us down, body & soul. Even when they seem intermittent, over time they wear at us !
Therefore ACoAs can honestly say that we were severely & regularly abused by our damaged parents (& other authority figures) , especially re. emotions (Es). Genuine Es are NOT widely recognized, valued or encouraged in our society, much less in dysfunctional families. So we ended up ignoring or minimizing them in ourself, as well as in others, especially if we didn’t get physically or sexually attacked as kids.

Most of us never felt loved but blamed ourself for the lack. Regardless of what our parents said or how they felt about us in their own mind & heart – their distorted way of treating us was not an expression of healthy Love.
So to compensate – as adults – we look for it everywhere we go, & from everyone we deal with.
This can make us vulnerable to a subtle form of abuse – being ‘over-loved’, needed & depended on too much, OR being over-protected & infantilized, OR controlled & used.

These are actually ways to treat us as an extension of the person who claims to love us, as an object rather than a separate being, or a means of their personal gratification. It’s never about what the way the ‘beloved’ really needs or wants.
BTW,
LOVE is the emotion with the highest energy vibration. IT:
🔅feels good, because it’s the absence of fear
🔅is an action, not just a feeling, so requires attention
🔅is unconditional, understands & accepts differences
🔅has empathy, no room for jealousy, has wants but is not needy
🔅means putting other people’s needs equal to, or before our own
🔅varies in how it’s expressed & accepted, which can include letting go, so doesn’t demand continuing a relationship that no longer works.

NEXT: Victims or not?

Principles of Character – Outline

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

self-awarenessTHESE ARE THE QUALITIES
I aspire to, a day-at-a-time

PREVIOUS: “Keep the focus on yourself” means? (Part 2)

POSTs: What is Character ?


PRINCIPLES  —> Values —> Comments useful for Character Education

1. ATTRACTION: Courage, Discernment, Self-awareness
We attract whatever we put our attention to, which makes it bigger. If we don’t do anything to limit destructive impulses, life becomes increasingly difficult for us to control. By staying awake & using discernment, we can see the difference between what’s helping or harming us. Then we need the courage to take steps toward health, by eliminating negative desires that attract chaos into our life. (POST  : ACoAs & Risk“)

2. CAUSE & EFFECT : Accountability, Good Intentions, Restraint
According to the ‘law of the universe’ – for every action there’s an equal re-action. When we realize that we’re accountable for our thoughts, words & actions, we can own what motivates our actions, & recognize the wisdom of reasonable restraint
. calmness(POSTs : “Keep the focus on yourself” and “Fear of Responsibility“)

3. DEVOTION : Concentration, Calmness, Focus
We can connect with Creative Intelligence by taking the time to find our True Self, not the false ego. This can be done by being calm, & concentrating on deeper thoughts, whether through prayer, song, meditation or a walk in the woods. When we focus on Spiritual Principles & actions, we glimpse the Divine

4. FAITH : Trust, Hope, Patience
There is a Loving Intelligence that pervades all things. What’s needed is to hold on to our trust & hope, even when living in the midst of uncertainty. Faith is the willingness to take the next step required without fear or looking back, with the patience to allow Divine Order to work-through our situation without trying to force solutions.. (POST “Lack of Trust and Healthy Trusting“)

5. FORGIVENESS : Compassion, Mercy, Understandingforgiveness
Forgiveness frees us from the damaging image of ourself as a victim. It dissolves the poison of resentment which blocks healing & growth. Choosing a new understanding of our pain & trauma, it gives us the freedom to treat ourself with mercy & compassion, as well as to those who have wronged us. This reconnects us to our Real Self. (many POSTs : …. Forgiveness)

6. GRATITUDE: Generosity, Magnanimity, Appreciation
True Universal Reality provides abundance. When we’re grateful & appreciate what life has to offer, it shows H.P. that we accept whatever’s been given to us, & therefore lacking nothing essential.
To attract more prosperity, feel generous toward all life. This opens the flow of supply into our world – because whatever we give to life returns to us.

7. HARMONY : Optimism, Co-operation, Enthusiasm
copoperationA Universal law : We can choose what attitudes we want to focus on, such as optimism & cooperation, rather than being a victim of painful experiences, It allows being in control of ourself, & having inner quiet.
Enthusiasm means to willingly, happily perform all types of jobs (large or small) which generate beneficial energy, making us far more likely to succeed.

8. HUMILITY : Modesty, Unpretentious, Gentleness
Being modest & un-pretentious keeps us from puffing ourself up with self-importance. God in His own way & time provides us with whatever we need, as we rid ourself of pride, & maintain an attitude of gentleness & acceptance. (POSTs “Humiliation“, and “Arrogance vs Humility”)

9. INTEGRITY : Truthfulness, Courage, Sincerity, Honesty
“Earning future trust by accurately reporting past facts.”
It means to act according to the values, beliefs & principles we claim to hold (internally consistent, opposite of hypocrisy).
The connection to our Inner Self is strengthened when we align our thoughts, words & actions with Truth, & have the courage to act with sincerity & honesty. It’s letting go of “our will run riot”, & honor the Divine Will.   (POSTs  “Why ACoAs Lie“)

10. LOVE : Compassion, Kindness, Nurturing, Self-Esteem, Self-Respect
serenityAll living things need love to survive. We must first take care of our own need for it so we don’t become emotionally toxic. When we shift self-talk from the Inner Critic (Introject) to the Inner Companion (Loving Parent), we increase self-esteem & self-respect. Then we’re free to be the helpful, caring & thoughtful people we want to be.

11. SURRENDER : Acceptance, Freedom, Contentment
When we accept what’s happening to us in the moment as part of a grander plan needed for our growth – we experience a new freedom. We welcome whatever comes into our life, surrendering to a Higher will. This awareness provides contentment & peace.   (POST :“Acceptance & ACoAs”)

NEXT: Considering abuse

Positive Character: HUMANITY (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

BEING RESPECTFUL & RESPONSIBLE
makes me a better world citizen

PREVIOUS: Character – Social IQ

SEE: Expanded list of Traits to choose from


💚 APPRECIATION of beauty and excellence (awe, wonder, elevation):
The ability to admire the masterful design of a person, place or thing, especially if it has many levels of meaning, each layer with a distinct flavor & secret. Notice & value skilled performances & the high quality in all areas of life – arts & sciences, nature & everyday experiences.art appreciation
EXP:
• be awed by the vastness of nature & the intimate details of life • enjoy good craftsmanship  • pause often to take in a view, & look at the sky • understand & appreciate what goes into making anything artistic   • watch people & animals in motion

💚 CITIZENSHIP (social responsibility, loyalty, teamwork
GENERAL: be an active part of a political community, enjoying its rights & assuming duties of membership – which form a distinct sense of identity
SPECIFIC: work well as part of a group or team, be loyal to the unit, do our share, take responsibility for our actionsvote
EXP:
• are troubled by social injustice  • aware of the wider world, with a sense of our role as world citizens  • respect & value diversity  • willing to take actions to make the world a more equitable & sustainable place

💚 GENEROSITY (liberal in giving)
Carefully manage resources so we can freely give to those in need.generosity
NARROW: willing to give money, time, energy, info….to help others, or in order to give them pleasure, and to give more than is expected.
BROADER: be sympathetic in how we deal with people. Tend to see the good qualities of someone or something
EXP:
• give of our time and talents  • not expect anything in return for our generosity  •  praise the good we see in others   • share what we have with others • recycle

💚 GRATEFULNESS  (is NOT like being indebted)
Have an appropriate sense of & value the benefits we have received – at birth, from family, from our environment. Also, a desire to repay  or pass on some of the advantages we were given.
Let others know by words & actions how they have improved our life.  Acknowledge someone for a favor they have done us.  Focus on the positives in our life
EXP:
• be content with what we have  •  count our benefits / blessings, rather than our burdens   • take care of our things    • show helpful people that we appreciate them   • take care of our things  • write “thank you” notes

💚 FAIRNESS
Treating all people the same, according to universal ideals of equality and justice, the same way we want to be treated. Do not make mental evaluations or decisions that unfairly favor or discriminate against others – because of incorrect or inappropriate considerations.
Act consistent with rules, logic, ethics, or in a proper legal manner.  Don’t let personal feelings bias our decisions about others.  Give everyone a fair chance & not take advantage
EXP:
• be willing to give up our share of something for someone who has a lot less  • play fair   • see everyone as having equal rights  • think how our actions will affect others

💚 KINDNESS / COMPASSION (amiable, nurturing, gentle)
Show consideration, personal concern or deep sympathy for others.  The ability to make other people feel comfortable by our inner calmness.  Sometimes putting our own need for attention & self-esteem second to the needs of others. Feel sincere sorrow for others who are stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering if we can
EXP:
• comfort others without regard to race, gender, faith, age, or nationality   • do a good deed for strangers   • listen when others want to talk • look for lasting solutions  • don’t annoy or irritate people   • have good manners

NEXT: C for HUMANITY, #2

Positive Character: SOCIAL IQ

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  positive characterIT’S TIME TO ”ADULT” 
– wherever I am

PREVIOUS:  Knowledge #2

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

✿ ACCOUNTABILITY 
“The buck stops here” ∼ Harry S. Truman.
It may be called the ‘ultimate responsibility‘ because it can’t be shared – it’s the obligation to bear the consequences of any action, & especially for failure to perform as expected. It includes striving to express our highest values in whatever we do, aspiring to be our best in all interactions.
accountable
Re. work: each person responsible for the tasks & functions essential to our role or position
Re. relationships: admitting & owning our motivations, words & actions – but not more than that (opposite of co-dependence)
EXP: • being clear & direct  • being trustworthy • not blaming others  • doing things the right way & for the right reason

✿ DISCRETIONdiscreet
Recognizing & avoiding any attitudes, words & actions that could create unpleasant or undesirable consequences. It includes being tactful – avoiding embarrassing situations, not upsetting others, good at keeping secrets, & not attracting inappropriate attention to ourself. Respectful of taboos, not being sucked into what we know is unhealthy or illegal – for ourself or in general
EXP: • choose our words carefully  • don’t make fun of others  • have good manners • thoughtfully consider criticism   • turn down any invitation to do what we know is socially or morally wrong

✿ PERSUASIVENESS (being effective)
The ability to gently maneuver “vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks.” Appeal to someone’s reason, values, beliefs or emotions, in order to convince them to adopt a particular belief or pursue a specific action to their benefit – without doing harm to them or ourself.
Having legitimate influence over others (parent, teacher, boss…. ) allows us to live more in line with what’s suitable, instead of what others want us to do or be
EXP:  • appeal to a person’s conscience in terms of their best qualities  • don’t argue or bully in order to convince someone  • don’t stretch the truth (lie) to make it more attractive  • point others in the right direction   • wait for the best time (have good timing)

✿ PUNCTUALITY
Having a good sense of timing & foresight, with the ability to plan ahead.  Consistently being on time shows that we’re the master of our life & therefore can be counted on.
It shows up as completing required tasks or fulfilling obligations before or by the time it’s due, being on time for appointments AND being prepared on arrival.  It’s knowing when our responsibility ends & someone else’s begins (boundaries), while showing respect for others’ time & plans.
EXP:
• be at the right place at the right time   • don’t make people wait for us  • don’t fall into the trap of “just one more”  • prepare for unexpected delays  • plan a daily schedule and keep it

✿ RECEPTIVITY
receptiveBeing ready & willing to gladly receive all the beneficial & beautiful things life has to offer. Notice whatever positive situation is unfolding in the present moment, taking in what’s available, & making the best use if it. Absorb & hold new suggestions or concepts quickly & easily, open to reasonable arguments, ideas, or changes.  Not having to fight for or be pushy about getting what we want.
EXP:
• accept people for who & what they are   • be grateful for what we have • be willing to receive when it appears  • patiently wait for things to develop

✿ SENSITIVITY / EMPATHY
Show consideration & personal concern for others. Consider things from someone else’s point of view. Be able to pick up on others’ actual attitudes, motives & state of mind (not mind-reading but rather from careful observation).  Understand & identify with the emotions of others – as a direct result of having access to a wide range of our own emotions.in their shoes

Making other people feel comfortable. Being able to fit into different social situations. Don’t decide about someone based only on one interaction, & don’t let our own fears or prejudices get in the way of how to treat them.  EXP:
•  do not feel sorry for yourself • have a deep appreciation for & acceptance of another’s point of view   • make it easy for people to click with us   • read body signals, tone of voice & facial expressions  • say supportive & comforting things to someone in pain

NEXT: Positive C. – Humanity #1

Positive Character: KNOWLEDGE (Part 1)

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 I CAN NOTICE WHAT SUITS ME
without being judgmental

PREVIOUS: Character: Traits & Contrasts

SITE: “Brave New Kitty” blog – re FoO, Recovery….

◉ ATTENTIVENESS
 a. The trait of being cautious – appropriately alert to possible danger (not paranoia) for ourself & our loved ones
b. Staying in the ‘now’, listening to the ‘still small voice’ in ourselves & from H.P.
c. Indicates the worth of a task or situation by being alert, interested, observant & giving it undivided concentration

d. Recognizes the value of others by giving them listening ears, respect, courtesy & focus – not just about our own needs & wants.
Paying attention to what’s really important to ourself, as well as to others, by noticing details of words & actions
EXP:
• ask questions if we don’t understand  • don’t distract from a situation by shifting attention to ourself  • don’t drift off   • look at people when they speak to us  • sit or stand upright

◉ CREATIVITY (originality, ingenuity)
Approach a need, task or idea from a new perspective. Create something new (a product, a solution, a work of art, a novel, a joke…) that has some kind of value.  A love for putting disparate things together that at first don’t seem to fit – but later the connections are obvious. Always curious about the physical world & relationships, as well as about the inner world of ideas & emotions.
creativeBeing playful, childlike & full of wonder, not rushing to solve a problem, taking time to imagine & dream. Not being run of the mill, not afraid to be different or have to play by the rules.

EXP:
• always look for alternative ways of doing things • have novel solutions to tricky problems  •  look for a better way to live
• the mind constantly challenges the status quo • see things from more than one perspective • use sound principles to solve puzzles • use ones talents for good to self & others

◉ CURIOSITY (novelty–seeking, open to experience)
A drive to know new things, finding many subjects & topics fascinating, always exploring & discovering. Having wonder & admiration for a wide range of info.  Able to access the Healthy Inner Child, who has wonder & admiration for everything – even when it doesn’t like something.

creativeCuriosity helps to shed light on personal issues & troubles by motivating us to uncover big truths & subtle nuances of our inner & outer life. It makes us want to discover things for ourself, not just take someone’s word for it. It is helped by self-control, perseverance & emotional security
EXP:
• ask more questions and trust fewer assumptions  • be open to new possibilities  • only stop asking Qs when we’ve gotten the info we need or want  • can tolerate difficulties or injuries from trying out something new

◉ DISCERNMENT / JUDGMENT (objective thinking, NOT being judgmental)
.
Able to see the deeper reasons behind situations & events. Think shrewdly, sift through conflicting or confusing facts, & choose the best alternative.
Examine things from all sides and not jump to conclusions. Able to change one’s mind in light of new & appropriate evidence, weighing all info fairly. Form the best opinion of a person or situation.

Question things that don’t make sense, ask for the source of info & explore it in more depth. Grasp & understand what is obscure. NOT be critical (discernment is noticing things, while critical is being unkind).
Moral wisdom includes the ability:evaluate
➤ to evaluate a situation or person (putting a value on it) by observing attitudes, communications, & repeated patterns

➤ to judge / choose the healthiest option available, reaching an appropriate decision about what to do or not do – given the desire for a good outcome.
EXP: • ask questions  • consider possible outcomes   • don’t judge hastily  • don’t repeat mistakes  • know what is helpful vs. harmful  • learn from experience • search for value  • trace problems to their cause.

NEXT: Character – Knowledge #2

Character TRAITS & CONTRASTS

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character THE MORE I KNOW
the better I can manage my life

PREVIOUS: What is Character (#2)


See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

POSITIVE TRAITS + Contrasts
The book “Character Strengths and Virtues” 2004, by Christopher Peterson & Martin Seligman, provides a renewed focus on the science of character – the research community’s first attempt to identify positive human traits.  The authors defined character strengths (CS) as the pathway to virtues which are valued by moral philosophers & religious teachers.

• This CHART is for us to ponder, identify & then own all Character Strengths that fit us & that we allow ourself to acknowledge. List examples of each these positive traits that apply based on your life experience. Get suggestions from a trusted ally, if needed.

• The 1st column lists Positive Characteristics & then contrasts each with 3 variations.  If you identify mainly with columns 2, 3 or 4, you then can see what Healthy traits you can work towards, rather than just giving up as being hopeless.
You may want to print out this form & check off the traits you identify with – in the narrow white columns. Use a gradient of 1 to 5 for each, 1 being weakest, 5 the strongest.
⬇️ CATEGORIES : 1. Wisdom & Knowledge  2. Courage
3. Love  4. Justice  5. Temperance  6. Transcendence

NOTE : the next few posts are a sample list of character qualities, divided into themes. You can add to the list or change the category you think each fits into, as it makes sense to you.

NEXT: Positive Character – Knowledge, #1