alcoholism

ACoAS being SCAPEGOATED (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

 

IT’S IMPERATIVE I GET  – that I am NOT bad, stupid or weak!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs being Scapegoated (#3)

2. Scapegoating FAMILY
3. Scapegoat-ed CHILD

4. CONSEQUENCES for the SCAPEGOAT
🌊 To survive, Scapegoats (Sc) had to build a wall around the toxic family’s shadow energies they were forced to swallow, hiding the origin of the abuse. Even so, now the least little emotional ‘bump’ is felt as an extreme pain when an event touches any old wound they haven’t yet learned to process & contain.

Common symptoms are academic failure, delinquency, drug / alcohol abuse, depressions, rages, PTSD, stress-related ADD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sexual acting out/pregnancy….. especially in teens, & can continue for many years into adulthood.

abuse S-H

Sc carry psychological & emotional scars. They may not start out with a mental illness (although some ACoA Sc are predisposed because of parental alcoholism & depression), but are highly likely to develop one or more – after years of being subjected to abuse.

a. The WIC in every Sc automatically assumes they can’t cope with their intense emotions (fear, anger, sadness…)
— & so are often crippled by them in the form of anxiety, -while-
— those who can’t consciously admit they were the family victim mistakenly believe they should not be in so much distress, because to them being ‘normal’ means not being ‘upset or unhappy’.

b. To compensate for being rejected by ‘loved ones’, some Sc cover it up by feeling omnipotent, seeing themselves as the ‘chosen one’ (which they are – but in a very sick way) for having the ‘special strength’ to carry the guilt & misery of others – their way of keeping the family together!

These adult Sc live in the grandiose belief that “I can do everything for everyone who needs me”, while resenting others for not providing them with their own un-spoken needs! They feel cut off from the rest of human experience for having suffered ‘more’ than anyone else, but also superior & above it all!

As the designated Scapegoat, YOU:
• blame yourself for the original abuse, & look for rational reasons for the way you were treated, BUT
• have developed a lack of trust & deep resentment against the world, while maintaining self-hate & hopelessness

• feel worthless, ugly, stupid, incompetent AND crazy!
• live out the negative messages heaped on you as a kid, which prevented self-esteem – by not developing your potential, getting into harmful & unfulfilling relationships, letting abusers walk all over you…..

• may struggle academically & avoid opportunities which include competition – not from lack of intelligence, but from Toxic Rules (CDs)
• OR try to prove your worth by becoming an over-achiever, often to the detriment of you true needs & dreams
YOU:
• feel overburdened, at the edge, marginalized, but still responsible for the tribe’s shadow side (clean up others’ messes, soothe anger in a group, ‘keep an eye’ on everything, listening to others dump, put out ‘fires’….)

• feel misunderstood & burned out, BUT duty-bound, noble, virtuous, self-sacrificing, AND
• are inevitably fueled by the accusing internalized voice (PP) & Self-Hate disapproving of yourself & others, & then scapegoating a child of your own
• feel a lot of shame for being ‘the bad guy’, but also rage at being blamed for the family’s dysfunction
• are desperate to find acceptance but can’t hear complements or absorb caring when it’s available, finding life almost impossible to manage, SO —

• tend to look for acceptance outside of yourself, making you vulnerable to manipulating individuals & groups who thrive on taking advantage.
EXP: Religious cults, criminal organizations, & violent or sexual predators lure their victims by initially offering validation to Sc, who want to belong, but have not learned to recognize users & abusers (underlying similarities to their family)

GROWTH: It can take Sc half a lifetime (30s & up) to get the right information that put the pieces of the puzzle together. Once they realize that all the blame & slander they’ve endured came from the very people who were supposed to love them the most on this earth, they often decide to cut interactions.
★ This may be to avoid dealing with the truth, OR because they’ve developed enough emotional strength & support to stop putting themselves in harm’s way.

NEXT: ACoAs – being Scapegoated (Part 6a)

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem

 PREVIOUS : Being Scapegoated #2

SITE: “Thru the Looking Glass”
(anti-bullying blog)

1. ORIGIN
2. Scapegoat-ing FAMILY

3. Scapegoat-ed CHILD
◆ Scapegoatees (Sc) are the non-entities of the family, held to an impossible standard not required of other members, accused unjustly, treated cruelly, & then ostracized.
The Sc is usually the most sensitive & intuitive child. Having no one to teach it the correct way to use empathy (with boundaries & discretion) this kind of child can easily be used by wounded parents, deliberately or not, to carry the ‘sins’ they refuse to deal with themselves (‘never wrong’, hypocrites, selfish, self-hating….)

◆ All children need to be mirrored – to know who they are – by looking into the faces, hearts & minds of loving adults. And all children need a degree of connection to family members – some more, some less – to feel safe.

😢 Sadly, too many children only get back warped reflections from parental & teacher mirrors, who provide their own distorted versions of reality.
What sensitive Scapegoats ‘see’ tells them they’re the ‘guilty party’, the one responsible for everyone else’s pain.

With no choice but to believe it, they’re pounded down by this message, forcing them to the bottom of the totem pole, where they stay in school or at work. No matter how well or poorly they do in life – on the outside, they build their life on an unstable foundation of anxiety, guilt & insecurity.

WHY is the Sc child CHOSEN?
🔎 A family’s scapegoating leader will choose a particular child, with ‘assistants’ who follow their lead (sibs, relatives….), because the child MAY –
• be too radically different in personality from the parents -OR-
• have similar characteristics to a parent, who hates those in themselves

• remind a parent of a hated relative, such as their own parent, sibling….
• be seen as a hindrance to a parent’s new marriage or relationship, OR be a child from a previous one
• be hated for being an unwanted ‘accident’, the a product of rape or incest, their birth ‘caused’ the mother’s death or the father leaving….
• be viewed as yet another mouth to feed, a burden to be gotten rid of…….

MAIN Sc “REQUIREMENTS”
1. SCs must actually be the strongest – because they have to psychologically / spiritually & sometimes physically carry the defects of the entire family. Their strength is needed to survive, alone, in the family ‘desert’ without the comfort or support of their tribe. (Part 1)

2. SCs must be the most loving – by their nature willing to sacrifice themselves for the benefit of the tribe. Again, this may be partly unconscious, but as a child the Sc has no choice. On some level they know they’re ‘willing’, so the family can appear to be OK

ALSO – SCs may be —
• vulnerable in some physical or psychological way (ADD, obsessive…)
• hyperactive, non-compliant, overtly acting out
• young, or viewed as too weak to defend itself
• not the gender the parents wanted
OR
• too independent, smart & clever, with it’s own mind
• opposite in personality to the designated ‘golden child’ who can do no wrong = like Ivanka.
The favorite can be the eldest, sometimes the youngest, or even a child who died before the Sc was born & is now idealized (More….)

⚡️ In some very dysfunctional families, a parent will goad the other children into also picking on the disfavored one. Or siblings may copy the habit of taunting & blaming the Sc on their own, by watching adults get away with the cruelty. They will do this, at least in part, out of fear that if they side with the victim they’ll be tortured as well

Also, only children raised by severely damaged parents are likely to be alternately treated as Scapegoat & Golden Child, creating great confusion for the child (MORE…..)

⚡️ Once the scapegoating pattern is woven into the fabric of the family system, it’s inevitable that the Sc will gradually empathize with–> then carry–> then identify with all of the unresolved adult character defects that suffocated love in that home.

NEXT: ACoAs being Scapegoated (Part 4)

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

alcoholic rageI DIDN’T CAUSE THEM 
to pick on me! 

PREVIOUS: Scapegoating (#1)

SITE: ‘The Scapegoat’ a lengthy description – scroll down


1. ORIGINS
2. Scapegoating FAMILY (cont.) 
This torture can & does happen in any size unit, but studies show that the larger the family the more likely one child will be singled out for this toxic role. These homes will be rife with socio-economic, psychological, marital, mental and/or physical stressors. Nerves are usually on edge, & the adults’ energies are stretched to the limit because of frustration & overwhelm.

In such case, a parents may deliberately make home life so unbearable for the Scapegoat (Sc), that the child is left with no outcastchoice but to leave as soon as possible. Many of these throw-aways have little education or marketable skills, ending up homeless, prey to the worst criminal elements, or go into a life of crime themselves just to survive.

HOWEVER, scapegoating families can be from any background, educational or financial level – not just poor or immigrant. A common thread is severe narcissism, co-dependence, alcoholism or other addictions, & scapegoating can continue being perpetrated at home even if one or more members are in a 12-step Program, such as AA!

GOLDEN CHILD vs Scapegoat child is a common divisive ploy set up by a narcissistic parent. In sick families one child will be favored as the ‘good’ one, given special status by the parent who treats them as if he/she is perfect. (References here are to NPD mothers & daughters, but can be applied to any combo)

• At the same time – another child is set up to be the victim (Sc), continually told they’re ‘bad’ – left out or picked on, humiliated & abused. The Sc is forced to care for everyone else, but not allowed any needs of their own.
EXP: A scapegoated woman said, “For years I resented my sister who my mother adored. I wished I had felt special to mom. Now I see how messed up my sister is & I’m glad I wasn’t the favored one after all.”

• The golden child can do no wrong. The scapegoat can do no right. This creates divisions between them, the former having a great investment in the mother being wise & wonderful, in contrast to the Sc who hates her. That division is encouraged & perpetuated by the narcissist with lies & blatant unfairness

EXP:  the narcissistic mother identifies with the golden child, provides them with privileges, as long as they do/ are exactly what she wants  – be her carbon copy. The child’s payoff – at least inside the family – is to be compulsively protected & idealized by everyone, including the Sc, who hides their resentment & envy.

To reciprocate & stay in the parent’s good graces, the favorite will defend the mother by:
• indirectly perpetuating the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother’s actions
• or directly taking over the perpetrator’s role by physically abusing the scapegoat so the parent won’t have to do that herself. (MORE….)

Because of inappropriate pampering, the golden one believes they’re worthy of adoration, & therefore entitled.
But being the favorite eventually backfires – because they develop their own pathology.
The NPD parent forms a destructive enmeshment which engulfs the child, perhaps for life. He/She isn’t allowed to htrapped with NPDave their own identity or boundaries, stays emotionally immature, & often becomes the puppet of a parent-substitutes, such as an abusive spouse.

EXP: In another case, the Favored son couldn’t cope with the abandonment when his wife of 18 yrs finally left him – who he’d battered – so he shot himself in the head, while the Rejected & tortured son became a well-loved minister

• The ‘bad one’ is ultimately the more fortunate – given this scenario. He/She is basically more independent, often driven to seek answers, & eventually may come to understand the nature of the NPD parent – allowing them to outgrow the Sc role. They’re the ones who can break free from their destructive family system to create a healthier life.

NEXT: Scapegoating #3

ACoAs being SCAPEGOATED (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

scapegoat 1I’M NO GOOD FOR NOTHING!
is what they all tell me

PREVIOUS:

 Enneagram Flaws in us all – Type 9.

SITE: Scapegoating– An Insidious Family Pattern of Blame & Shame of One Family Member
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

QUOTE: “The search for a scapegoat is the easiest of all hunting expeditions.” ― Dwight D. Eisenhower

NOTE: Being scapegoated is similar but not quite the same as the Toxic Family Role of Scapegoat. In both cases the child is abused by everyone.
The main differences is that :
• the ROLE is usually the second-born, sometimes the oldest boy as ‘Rebel’, & is something the child takes on in order to protect the family, WHILE
• in Scapegoating, an adult chooses which child is to be abused – made to carry the burden of family’s PMES dysfunctions so the parents don’t have to admit & deal with their own damage

1. ORIGINS: “The Scapegoat motif began centuries ago as a part of the sacrificial dynamic with a sacrificial goatgod or gods.  Once a year in a ceremony, the members of a tribe or village would write down their sins on a ribbon which was tied around a goat’s neck.

The goat was then burned as a sacrifice, or sent away into the wilderness. Either way, the Scapegoat carried off the ‘sins’ of the village with it, leaving them forgiven & cleansed.” (MORE…)

DEF: In a twisted version of this ancient religious practice, present-day Scapegoating is a form of bullying, a hostile social/ psychological torture started in childhood, which —
• wrongly combines cause & effect (child = problems), where someone moves blame & responsibility (T) away from themselves & on to a target person or group
• is an aggressive practice, where angry & hostile feelings (E) are projected onto others, via inappropriate accusations

Another way of saying it is: Scapegoating is the practice of singling out someone for undeserved negative treatment – the deliberate projection* of blame & guilt onto another person or group so the scapegoater can remain seemingly righteous, ‘good’ & guilt free.
The victim may be an adult, sibling, child, employee, peer, ethnic or religious group or country. Also called Whipping boy, Fall guy, Patsy, Designated Patient, Sacrificial Lamb

*Projection: (NOT Projecting) A defense mechanism in which
= person/ group A’s unacceptable thoughts, needs & emotions are unconsciously assumed to belong only to person/ group B,
= who is then accused of & punished for causing all of A’s problems.

A’s unhealthy Ego says: “What I can’t stand about myself I’ll totally hate about you (B). So I have to attack you for it in order to deny that I have the same quality”.
🌀 🌀 🌀
2. Scapegoating FAMILYScreen Shot 2015-11-22 at 10.36.15 PM
 As the world becomes ‘all one place’, people no longer have the luxury of ‘casting out’ what we aren’t willing to acknowledge about ourselves. Besides, even if we wanted to, there are few wilderness places left in the world to do that.

So we turn on each other. The original purpose of this ritual is re-worked in the dysfunctional family ‘tribe‘ by adults heaping their collective sins on one of their members, then driving them away – if not literally – then by alienating them from everyone else’s affection.

👎🏽 The rest of the tribe can then point to the chosen black-sheep & proudly proclaim that they are not like him/her, allowing the family to look very good to outsiders, compared to the ‘bad’ one. Thus the Scapegoat is sacrificed for ‘the good of the family’ – likely to be chosen unconsciously, but for specific reasons. (in Part 3)

◆ The use of force against another person is always a form of scapegoating, & damages self-esteem in children. Often an insecure parent will be more aggressive with one of their offspring, to vent his/her own frustrations. Elizabeth A. Kaspar tells us that aggressiveness can show up as being:
• rude & humiliating, (“What do you mean, you aren’t going to do it?”)
• self-righteous (“I am only insisting on this for your own good.”)
• manipulative (“If you refuse, you’ll let everyone down”)

NEXT: ACoAs being Scapegoated (Part 2)

Enneagram Type 9 – Flaws in us ALL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, Self-esteem, self-help , , ,

type 9


PREVIOUS: All flaws – Type 8

IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post 
Associated Type is inside the ( )

 

Type 9 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. self-assertion: believe it’s not OK to assert yourself in most situations. Instead, assume it’s best to not “make waves” or create controversy
• re. opinions: believe that either they don’t matter or that it is not worth the effort to express them
• re. conflict: think that it creates disharmony in relationships, & worry when someone is upset with you or when you’re upset with others

Type 9 FLATTERY (#2)
• Get into conversations with people you don’t like or are not interesting to you. Stay far longer than you’d like, while wondering how to continue so you won’t be considered rude
• Think of a way to draw out opinions from others, even when they’re boring, not knowledgeable or not very bright
• Think about how to offer time, energy & resources to someone you don’t think highly of or care about, just to be “nice” & avoid conflict

Type 9 LAZINESS (of mind or action) (#9)
• see only the positive side of your beliefs about people, situations, world events – as a way of maintaining harmony
• forget what matters to you, or what you truly think – as a way of not making waves or calling attention to yourself
• ignore or forget what you’re supposed to be doing (priorities) as a way to de-stress & not cause conflict – though it often creates more conflict later

Type 9 MOODINESS / melancholy (#4)
• believe that you don’t really matter
• see yourself as notable to stand up for yourself the way others can
• think you’re going to lose everything & everyone if you express your anger

Type 9 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)
• about how not to plan
• how to not allow others to make demands or put pressure on you because of their plansambition

Type 9 RESENTMENT (#1)
• slow-burning angry thoughts when your opinions have not been taken seriously, & which has been building for a while
• think that others should be more open-minded & less judgmental when you’re in the middle of highly unbalanced thinking & actions
• ‘ugly’ thoughts that come up after you feel taken advantage of for being so nice & accommodating

Type 9 STINGINESS (#5)
• with expressing your ideas, believing what you have to say doesn’t matter as much as what others think
• with acknowledging your ambitions, seeing yourself as someone who’s humble & not competitive (even though it’s not always the case)
• with expressing anger, thinking that expressing your anger will damage or sever all relationships

Type 9 VANITY (#3)
• believe you’re above being ambitious
• see yourself above mere mortals who get reactive & angry
• think that when you muster the energy to state an honest opinion, it’s absolutely correct

Type 9 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
• chronically disrupted your peace & harmony
• been rude to you or others, particularly more than once
• ignored you, especially in a disrespectful way
• pressured, demanded or tried to control you
.

REACTIONS: try to keep others at a distance & from trying to control you, because of their plans
GROWTH: Ask “Am I taking a clear stand on issues, by expressing my thoughts & feelings directly, especially anger?”

ALSO
Type 9 DISTORTED LENS
Too loose lens (Type 9). Looking at things too openly & loosely means we miss the granulated nature of things (details). OR think that everything in our lens is equally important without enough distinctions
Lesson: When we observe in too broadly, we may see everything that’s there, but completely miss what’s most important.

Type 9 HANGING ON
Hang on to:
• being in positive resonance with others around you, at any cost
• not asserting or expressing yourself directly, & believe you don’t really matter as much as others

Why: to keep a sense of ‘self as someone who’ can bring reconciliation / harmony to disruption, rapport to discord, & agreement where there’s disrespect &/or misunderstanding
Let go of: the belief that the way you matter is to not matter

Type 9 get OFF-BALANCE by:
• feeling angry but not being willing to express it
• being pressured or have a demand to do something, especially something you don’t want to dohelping?
• being put in the middle of an unresolvable conflict between others for an extended period

Type 9 MAYA (illusion)
Think you’re so consistently kind & nice, without recognizing that your under-experienced & unexpressed anger has painful consequences for self & others

Type 9 WORRY
“What do I really think? Why was I ignored? How can I get rid of the external tension? Where is my passion? Why didn’t I say what I really thought?”

NEXT: Ennea Humor #5

Enneagram Type 8 – Flaws in us ALL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

type 8 

PREVIOUS: Type 7 flaws


IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post 
Associated Type is inside the ( )


Type 8 COWARDICE because of Cognitive Distortions (#6)
• re. asking for support: believe that only the weak ask for support, & that others aren’t strong enough to support you anyway
• re. appearing weak: think that showing any vulnerability or anxiety is a chink in your armor, which others will take advantage of
• re. being completely honest: think that you’re always truthful, even though it’s not always true (nor possible)

Type 8 FLATTERY (#2)
• Think strategically about how to “win over” potential opponents, by flattering them & appealing to their ego or self-interest
• Think it’s better to not say something that could be construed as negative, so you use deletion as a form of flattery
• Act completely interested in someone, then abruptly or completely withdraw – a good hint you weren’t really interested in the first place

Type 8 LAZINESS – Indolence (#9)
You don’t seem indolent – in fact you often seem to be in touch with reality, but…like all of us, you can also:
• Obsess about whatever you lust after (8’s excess) as a way of avoiding feeling vulnerable
• Believe your ‘truth’ or sense of reality is accurate, so can be too lazy to think through all other possibilities that are valid
• Go into mental denial that something’s wrong, even your health

Type 8 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Convinced there isn’t anyone who can or will truly support you
• Believe you can handle everything, big & small, so when you can’t, you can get lost in mental gloom & doom
• Think about the tremendous suffering & abuse in thvulnarablee world, which you believe you should be able to stop from happening

Type 8 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)
• THINK about how to take charge
• how to not be taken advantage of
• how to get things under control
• how to expand you territory

Type 8 RESENTMENT (#1)
• be disgusted with & dismissive of someone who you believed in, when they – waste, misuse or not use – their potential
• confuse & obsess about something important you can’t make happen
• outraged when you’re not in control of something you believe you have a right to be in charge of

Type 8 STINGINESS (#5)
• about sharing power, because of assuming it’s limited. So if others have it, your own power is diminished
• about sharing your vulnerabilities, believing if you do, others will take advantage of it
• about your protectiveness, think you should & can protect others from abuse. But are highly selective about who you choose to ‘help’, & have trouble seeing when some of your behavior is abusive

Type 8 VANITY (#3)
• Think you’re stronger than other people
• Believe you can make happen anything you want to
• Think that your truth is The Truth

Type 8 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
• stepped on the down-trodden
• illegitimately challenged your authority
• not taken responsibility for their own negative behavior
• been untruthful and untrustworthy

REACTION: think about how to gain control & authority, as a way to dis-empower the other person and put them in their place
GROWTH: Ask “Am I sharing my sense of vulnerability, by showing my softer sides to both myself & others?”

ALSO
Type 8 DISTORTED LENS
One-dimensional – only seeing one version of reality
Lesson: A limited view of the truth/reality usually ignores all the other possibilities. Assuming we know exactly what’s happening doesn’t make it so, because Reality happens simultaneously as well as sequentially

Type 8 HANGING ON (Need to let go)
Hold on to: avenging wrongs done by others, being able to move mountains through your extraordinary will, energy & power, always being in command or in control
Why: To maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ is so strong you can protect anyone you choose, never showing weakness or vulnerability
Let go of: the belief you have to be big & strong all the time and under all circumstances

Type 8 get OFF-BALANCE by:
• someone standing up to you without backing down
• feeling highly vulnerable & not have the strength to hide itbe defended
• feeling exhausted and depleted

Type 8 MAYA (delusion)
Think that you don’t dare let your guard down because if you do, something terrible will happen to you. Most of the time – not.

Type 8 WORRY
“Who’s really strong enough to help or support me? What if I’m too strong? What if I’m not strong enough? What advantage will they take if I show my vulnerability? Why did they let me down?”

NEXT: All Flaws – Type 9

Enneagram Type 7 – Flaws in us ALL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, Self-esteem, self-help , , ,

type 7

 

PREVIOUS: Type 6 flaws

IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post 
Associated Type is inside the ( )


Type 7 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. pain: you think that all ‘pain’ is a waste of time, unnecessary & something you’re not equipped to deal with
• re. restraint: believe that freedom is the absence of any limits, & that no one has the right to restract you
• re. standing (sitting) still: see it as worthless or as an opening for a flood of despair, which you’re terrified of

Type 7 FLATTERY (#2)
• Think about a possible activity someone suggested merely because it keeps you all doing something, not because it’s a very good idea at all
• Re-frame a put-down by someone, making it seem kind & generous
• Think (often unconsciously) how to befriend authority figures with flattering attention, as a way to neutralize their potential ability to limit your freedom in any way

Type 7 LAZINESS / Indolence (#9)
You almost always seem to be energetic, but a person can be highly energetic & still be indolent
• Think about pleasure but rarely about pain, if ever
• Not notice what you physical sensations are telling you
• Re-frame potential negative information into a positive, as a way of not paying attention to what’s actually happening

patienceType 7 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Wonder why, with all you joy, you don’t feel full inside
• Feel an emptiness inside you don’t know what to do about
• Think that even your mild feeling of pain or suffering are catastrophic (mainly because you’re so unused to them)

Type 7 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)
• About positive possibilities: reacting immediately to stimuli (positive or negative), so your mind goes into a “hyper-gear” of associations, where one idea follows another in rapid-fire succession

Type 7 RESENTMENT (#1)
• If you feel restricted, think that no one has the right to do that to you
• Think negative thoughts about another when they cause you pain
• Rationalize away when having actually done something wrong, or something others may see as unacceptable or below standard

Type 7 STINGINESS (#5)
• with slowing down: Believe “down time” is boring & a waste
• with patience: Think that others are terribly slow because they can’t follow your line of thinking or mental pace
• with introspection: Don’t consider your interior world as fascinating or enjoyable as external experiences

Type 7 VANITY (#3)
• Think you’re not only quicker minded than others, but that you also catch on to new ideas better than most
• Believe that most of your ideas have merit
• See yourself as capable of enjoying life more than others do

Type 7 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
• tried to limit you
• not listened to or taken your ideas seriously
• been insincere and, therefore, can’t be trusted
• acted abusively (or is considering it) and needs to be stopped

REACTION: think about how to keep yourself & others safe from this person, which may include disarming them
GROWTH: Ask “Am I willing to deal with & stay focused on painful or difficult issues?”

ALSO
Type 7 DISTORTED LENS
Tainted color (Rosy) – looking through colored lenses makes everything seem brighter than it really is
Lesson: Everything is not nearly as rosy as we might want it to be, & just thinking / wishing doesn’t make it so!

Type 7 HANGING ON
Hold on to: being fun-loving, completely free, pleasure-oriented, & your unalterable right to avoid restrictions or painful experiences
Why: to maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ lives in a world where anything is possible, & there are no limits unless you create them
Let go of: the belief that freedom means having no limits

Type 7 get OFF-BALANCE by:
• anyone or anything bursting your bubble of enthusiasm
• feeling trapped or cornered in any way
• someone treating you as if you shouldn’t be taken seriouslyhole-in-soul

Type 7 MAYA (delusion)
Think that you’re forced to live forever with a deep hole inside, when in fact all you need to do is go inside – because you are there!

Type 7 WORRY
“Why do they want to bring me down? Why am I not taken as seriously as I desire? Are they trying to trap me? How can I fill that empty hole inside me? Why don’t I seem to feel as deeply as others when I do feel deeply about some things?”

NEXT: All flaws – Type 8

Enneagram Type 6 – Flaws in us ALL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

type 6

PREVIOUS: Type 5 – All flaws

IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post 
Associated Type is inside the ( )

 

Type 6 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. others: believe you can’t really trust or count on others (except a few you’ve tried & tested)
• re. yourself: believe you can’t fundamentally trust or count on yourself (even though experience shows you can, in most cases)
• re. authority: think that authority figures can’t be trusted or, at least must be carefully & continuously watched

Type 6 FLATTERY (#2)
• Mentally idealize people you want to think of as all “good”
• Think & say “nice” comments that aren’t completely true, to placate others or keep the peace
• Think it’s not OK to say what you really think to someone – if you’re anticipating a negative reaction

Type 6 LAZINESS / Indolence (#9)
You seem to be very energized (in motion), but a person can be & still be indolent (not paying attention), which is most obvious in 6s
• Think only about the things that scare you
• Believe you can’t let yourself relax into ‘fun’ (truer for self-preserving & social sub-type 6s than one-to-one 6s)
• Can’t or don’t want to take the time to separate your projections from your motivations, hopes & fears

Type 6 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Believe you’re alone because no one can truly be counted on
• Project that others will always leave you at some point
• Blame yourself when things don’t go well, but also blame others, which ends up hurting your relationships, leaving you worried about loneliness

Type 6 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)relaxing
How to anticipate problems before they occur: • often automatically calculate what might be an obstacles for getting what you think is both possible, desirable, plausible or dangerous

Type 6 RESENTMENT (#1)
• Wonder why others are treating you badly (supposedly)
• Angry about how someone in authority could treat you badly after being consistently dutiful & loyal
• Project bad things will happen to you

Type 6 STINGINESS (#5)
• with trust: Believe you have to be really careful about who you trust, thinking you have to continuously “test” the integrity of others
• with self-confidence: Think that if you constantly question yourself, somehow the best/ safest answer will emerge
• with relaxing: Believe that if you relax too much or too long (or at all), something will inevitably go wrong

Type 6 VANITY (#3)
• Believe you’re the best problem solver
• Think that no one but you is reliable, & others are not trustworthy
• See yourself as the one who’s most able & willing to stand up for the group, if others don’t seem to be aware or courageous enough to do so

Type 6 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has :
• put pressure on you
• been deceptive & is therefore, dangerous
• appeared insincere & therefore, can’t be trusted
• acted abusively, & needs to be stopped

REACTION: think about how to keep yourself & others safe from this ‘bad’ person, which may include disarming them
GROWTH: Ask “Am I accurately separating projections & insights?”

ALSO
Type 6 DISTORTED LENS
Tainted color (grey) – vision is clouded by a grayish overlay
Lesson: Not everything is as cloudy, confused, or complex as we imagine when we’re anxious

Type 6 HANGING ON
Hang on to:
• always having to be the person who raises difficult issues
• to the assumption that everyone & everything in your environment is harmful to you & others
• not being able to trust others, especially anyone in position of strong influence or authority 


Why: to maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ understands the risks & uncertainty of being in the world, & can overcome this with your mind
Let go of: the belief that true authority only ‘lives’ outside yourself

Type 6 get OFF-BALANCE by:
• authority figure acting unpredictably or rashly, that could harm you people or ideas/ causes that matter to you
• seemingly high-risk situations that take you by surprise
• any outside pressure to do something when you’re not preparedhard work

Type 6 MAYA (delusion)
That if you focus & work very intensely on an issue or problem, that effort will definitely get the issue solved or resolved. This is not always the case.

Type 6 WORRY
“Why do I worry all the time? What should I do here? What dreadful thing might befall me? Why do I feel not fully part of things? Why do I hold onto my concerns for so long? Why do people have so many hidden agendas”

NEXT: All flaws – Type 7

Enneagram Type 5 – Flaws in us ALL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

type 5

PREVIOUS: Ennea Humor – #4

IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post   Associated Type is inside the ( )

 

Type 5 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. intrusion: Think that others are going to invade your time, space & privacy
• re. feelings: Fearful of expressing emotions in real-time, & highly uncertain about what you do feel or even how to know it
• re. attachments: Believe you must not be attached to anything or anyone, because if you are, your energy will be sapped & your autonomy threatened

Type 5 FLATTERY (#2)
• Think there’s something wrong with you for not liking “small talk” when others seem to like it just fine (like there’s something “right” with others)
• Continue a conversation about a topic you have little interest in
• Decide to not share information you actually do have, being sure you don’t know enough about the topic, yet still listen to others who know a lot less than you about it

Type 5 LAZINESS / Indolence (#9)
• Confuse thinking with feeling, so you don’t pay much attention to your emotional life
• Don’t consider your emotions much at all. In fact, think that they have limited value, & that it takes too much energy to figure them out
• Believe that only your mind matters, so ignore (be indolent about) physical sensations that are a source of important information

Type 5 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Think you’re depleted, drained of sufficient resources & life force
• Believe you don’t have truly deep relationships like others seem to
• See yourself as an island adrift from the major continent of people

Type 5 PLANNING – as compulsion (#7)resources
• Plan how to prevent draining situations by limiting intrusions, demands on your time & energy, or emotionally charged interactions
• Strategize ways to overcome potentially dangerous situations

Type 5 RESENTMENT (#1)
• Focus on the intrusiveness & aggressiveness of others
• Imagine / assume harmful actions you think others are up to
• Wonder why someone has the right to make demands on you for personal information, your time….

Type 5 STINGINESS (#5)
• with resources & knowledge: Think the world has limited resources, so you have to conserve almost everything
• with interpersonal engagement: Believe you don’t need or want to fully engage with others because they’ll drain you or want too much
• with sharing: Believe you have to withhold info about yourself with almost everyone (except a few you trust), otherwise your privacy will be violated

Type 5 VANITY (#3)
• Think that others are inferior for having too many needs, being dependent & not autonomous (like you)
• Believe you have a superior intellect
• Think that others’ expression of emotions is inferior to your own reliance on reason, logic, emotional self-containment & detachment

Type 5 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
• violated your privacy, such as breaking a confidence
• kept information from you, especially if it’s important to you
• lied, such as said they’d deliver work on time and then didn’t
• made unreasonable or not-agreed-to demands on you

REACTION: think & plan how to neutralize that person or keep them at a distance
• strategizing how to get that person removed & harmless (if they’ve really scared you or violated a deeply held value)
GROWTH: Ask “ Am I expressing my real feelings in the moment?”

ALSO
Type 5 DISTORTED LENS
Too far: missing the nuances of what’s close up
Lesson: When we create too much distance, we don’t see the finer detail, including ourselves & how we interact with a situation

Type 5 HANGING ON
Hold on to:
• to being autonomous, needing too much privacy, using up limited space and resources
• and under-explore feelings & needs

Why: to maintain your ‘sense of self as a person who’ doesn’t need to rely on anyone or anything other than yourself
Let go of: your false belief in scarcity (of energy, resources….)

Type 5 put OFF-BALANCE by:
• someone standing too close for too long
• having to put out energy & effort when already feeling depleted
• expecting to share personal information when you’re not clear why this matters or what don't feelsomeone will do with it

Type 5 MAYA (delusion)
You think that you either don’t know or don’t experience your emotional states, when in fact your emotions are extremely pure

Type 5 WORRY
“What do they want from me? How can I get away from this? Why am I feeling so drained and depleted? Why can’t I express myself?”

NEXT: All flaws – Type 6

Enneagram Type 4 – Flaws in us ALL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

type 4

 

PREVIOUS: Type 3 flaws

IMPORTANT
Review explanation for each category in the INTRO post 
Associated Type is inside the ( )

 

Type 4 COWARDICE because of CDs (#6)
• re. rejection: Worry about & interpret events as rejecting you
• re. closeness: Think that if you get too close to someone they’ll find your intrinsic defects, be critical & leave
• re. affirmation: Think mainly about what’s wrong with you, & a reluctant to consider what’s just fine

Type 4 FLATTERY (#2)
• Comparing yourself negatively to others, making them so much better
• Act interested, make conversation, & pay attention to another when what you’re really rather leave
• Believe what other says about you, as if it were more real than what you actually know about yourself (honor someone else’s opinion over your own)

Type 4 LAZINESS / indolence (#9)
You can seem distracted even under normal times, especially when distressed
• Spend too much time & effort on how to express yourself so you’ll be understood, or not misunderstood, that you lose track of what you really meant to say
• Think that your most recent emotions are the realest, being too lazy to go deeper to find what’s underneath
• Think about how to shift your hurt onto others so you won’t feel quite so upset, without taking the time to consider what motivates this tactic, or what effect this has on yourself & others

Type 4 MOODINESS (melancholy & resulting separation) (#4)
• Think only about what you don’t have, instead of what you do have
• See yourself as fundamentally inferior to or less than other
• Recycle negative thoughts about yourself, other people & situation

Type 4 PLANNING (as compulsion) (#7)
• about how to avoid feeling deficient
• about how to prevent getting into situations that’ll trigsharingger your sense of being not being good-enough
• about how to directly fight situations that might cause you feeling inadequate

Type 4 RESENTMENT (#1)
• Obsess about what you’re missing, what’s wrong with you & others
• Wonder why others seem to have or get what they want, but not you
• Think about how reality comes up short compared to your internal dreams & ideas of how you want things can be

Type 4 STINGINESS (#7)
• with sharing qualities, accomplishments… that are very important to you: Think that if others have something of value, you need to have it too, & even wish the other person didn’t have it (greed/envy)

• with attention: Convinced you always need attention from others, & if someone else is getting it instead, you have to either attract more focus on yourself or diminish the other person in some way
• with self-affirmations: Think mainly about what’s deficient in yourself, rather than your excellent qualities

Type 4 VANITY (#3)
• Think you’re superior to others because you’re ‘deeper’, more sophisticated, or more in touch with a higher reality
• Believe you have a more advanced capacity for understanding emotions, symbols & esoterica than everyone else
• Think that ‘authentic relating’ is the absolute best way of interacting & that you’re the best at it

Type 4 VENGEANCE (#8)
What sets you off is thinking someone has –
• ignored, slighted or demeaned you in any way
• implicitly compared you to another to make you “less than”
• misunderstood or violated your values

REACTION: decide that person is a ‘perpetrator abusing innocent victims’
• convinced they have an over-inflated sense of self
• think of all the ways to bring that person “down to size”
GROWTH:  Ask “Am I displaying my objectivity and emotional balance?”
ALSO
Type 4 DISTORTED LENS
Too close – you’re can only see what’s right in front of you instead of the bigger picture
Lesson: We can take things too personally, focus on unimportant details & our reactions to everything, so we miss other info that would let us be objective

Type 4 HANGING ON
Hold on to: • to being different from everyone
• feeling constantly slighted
• identify with our shifting emotional states
• long for an idyllic “dream-world” where everyone feels the deepest sense of beauty & inter-connectivity

Why: to maintain ‘your sense of self as the person who’ is different & unique from others because you’ve chosen to be that way, which lets you feel in control of a sense of existential deficiency
Let go of: the belief that there’s something wrong with you which is not wrong with others

Type 4 get OFF-BALANCE by:
• having intense, shifting emotions & not understanding them
• feeling rejected by anyone, but particularly someone you care about
• wanting to manifest you dreams, but not knowing how

Type 4 MAYA (delusion) Screen Shot 2015-08-26 at 12.00.37 AM
Think that being so in touch with your feelings, & pondering them with such great intensity – it makes them real, when in fact the emotions you ‘explore & express’ are neither your deepest nor the most real

Type 4 WORRY
“Why do I feel so continuously hurt? Why did he/she/they act that way toward me? What’s wrong with me? Why do they keep doing those things to me? I must be doing something wrong, but what is it? Why don’t they understand me?”

NEXT: Ennea Flaws Type 5