Alcoholics Anonymous

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE
see my point of view!??

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#3a)

SITEs :’The Need To Be Right‘
“Addicted to being right“

⬅ “OFFICE SELFIE” by DMT


REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right – aBR (cont.)
It fits the characteristics of an alcoholic or otherwise narcissistic family – as perfectionism & grandiosity. So, no matter how helpful to others our info or how valid our beliefs are, the way we know we’re in the grip of aBR (a character defect) is that it doesn’t allow for anyone else to also be right – for themself.

▲Knowledgeable people who are reasonably healthy will share their expertise with anyone seeking it, but never press other to listen or to agree. They know everyone has the human right to their own info & choices.

But being aBR can be the cause for attacking anyone who challenges our world view. Others may have good ideas, their own process, a different way of working toward a goal OR they may be deep in denial & acting out their damage.
Regardless, if what or who they are doesn’t agree with our ‘truth’, we will badger or cold-shoulder them.

We function from the unspoken thought:
“I can’t bear it when someone contradicts or ignores me. So I wait. I watch. I react. I pounce – ready to belittle, correct, insult, make fun of, negate…..”
And if someone stands up for their opinions or style – or is just silent, we get very upset, get pushier, possibly even meaner. We won’t feel OK until & unless the other person capitulates.

EXP: When ranting about anything she thinks is wrong – with a person or in the world – one woman heads off any logic, comment or disagreement from her long-suffering husband with the command: “Just say YES!

RESULTS
While we who are Right-ists can easily find insecure wounded souls who will let themself be bullied, none of our tactics work with severe narcissists. And as for long-term active addicts, if they want to keep ‘using’, nothing we do will stop them!

Being convinced there’s a certain way everyone should think or act (unhealthy Ennea-type #1) will ultimately lead to personal frustration, annoyance & disappointment when others don’t follow our rules or opinions. This increases our underlying fear & rigidity. We feel betrayed, assuming someone we’ve tried to convince has automatically agreed to follow our lead, but then reneged on the implied compliance.

This is a thoroughly mistaken assumption, since most people do not automatically fall in behind the Right-ist, & their silence does not mean agreement. And whenever there is even a crack in our illusion, as Right-ists we don’t see our narcissism, but prefer to attack & accuse others.

Giving everyone the message they are or should be exactly like us obviously stiffles their ability or willingness to be cooperative & stay connected. If they don’t leave altogether, they pull away from us – the supposed ‘righteous’ one – reinforcing the feeling of abandonment on both sides.

aBR prevents us from experiencing the understanding & intimacy we say we desire. We can’t understand why our partner/ boss/ child….. is so angry with us. We’re convinced they should be making changes – then we’d get along just fine! After all, we don’t want to confused ourself with reality – like that others have the right to their own way of thinking & doing things – when we’ve already made up their mind for them!

Spiritual Narcissism –  Right-its can easily be dogma-zealots about anything we’re fired up about, trying to convince/convert the ‘ignorant’. We may sincerely believe we’re justified & being helpful, that having found the one & only ‘right way’ now we can set others straight & solve all their problems. But it’s up to the other person whether or not they’re interested in our position, and what works for one person, family or group is not always right for another.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 4)

ACoAs being “RIGHT” (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , ,

IF I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO’S RIGHT
everyone else is useless!

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#2)

SITEs: 38 (unhealthy) Ways to Win an Argument w/chart


DEFs:
▶︎ Rightness = A belief or action conforming to facts or truth. What is most favorable or desired
❖ Self-righteous = Convinced of one’s own virtue ((being perfect & therefore superior, even when well-hidden from most others) which is in stark contrast to the actions & beliefs of society. Being narrow-mindedly, moralistic. ~ Webster’s dictionary

REMINDER: BR comes in various degrees of intensity. You may have a touch of it, or it may run your whole way of interacting with others.

ACoA ADDICTED to Being Right (aBR) (cont. from Part 2)
PAST: We suffered thru an abusive, controlling & neglected upbringing, Constantly forced to give up our way of thinking, doing or feeling around a Right-ist – we gradually became less able to express ourself, seemingly less competent & articulate (brain-freeze).

We may have seemed stupid, making the bullying Right-ist even more convinced of their superiority. Flooded with fear & anger temporarily diminishes the capacity to use the frontal cortex, which is needed for thinking, decision-making & self-control.

• With some oppressive authority figures, BR was dangerous because it showed them up & was considered ‘arrogant’, slowly forming our belief that we don’t know anything

• With others, a way to survive & avoid punishment was to always get it right, prove it without mistakes & justify ourself – forming the assumption that we must know everything.

🚦Double bind: Many of us were constantly told we were ignorant / stupid / unteachable – while at the same time expected to take care of them as if we were adults trained in several professions!

NOW: Always having to be right can be used as a protective cover, giving us a false sense of stability & control. Projecting our scary childhood onto the whole world, we assume everything is still & forever unsafe, assuming we need to be perfect – to prevent further danger.
Still desperate to please so we won’t keep getting abandoned, we wobble on the fence between these 2 false beliefs (know everything, know nothing), inevitably falling off, inevitably feeling miserable. This original dilemma has left us with rage & S-H, alternating between rebellion & paralysis.

• Many grew up with one or more severe narcissist – who always had to have their way. Then some of us took up the Right-ist mantle & carry it forward, tromping on others as we were tromped on. (See Right-ist characteristics – Part 2)

— SUBTLE but pervasive – perfectionism is aBR in disguise. We can keep this obsession better hidden, but the obvious result is decades of procrastination. 

— BLATANT: Wanting & insisting on getting our own way most or all of the time – is the narcissism of the False Self, a common character flaw of wounded people (the majority!). We will push & push to get others to see that our way is the not only correct – but the only possibility.

• Feeling superior (aBR), we may not even realize our anxiety is temporarily relieved when we get our way: “I knew I was right! Now that you’ve got that straight, we can go on.” It calms us – our security blanket in an unsafe world. But it’s a false solution because our damage is still lurking in the background, waiting for someone or something to set it off. Unhealed, we’re driven by old, deep terror.

• But like any addiction, having to BR is very stressful – always vigilant, afraid to make a mistake, never truly safe, never comfortable.
While outside it shows up as false pride – the need to feel important or better than everyone else – inside it’s driven by inadequacy & shame, which we may not even be aware of! Especially if we need to be seen as innocent, good & all-knowing.

We’ll use charm & manipulation alternating with anger & intimidation, to force our agenda on whoever we deal with . However, all we end up doing is alienating others by being high maintenance, or taking psychological prisoners of the insecure. In the process we sacrifice our own well-being.

NEXT : BR, #3b.

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, Problem-Solving, recovery , , , ,

IF I’M NOT RIGHT,
then who am I?

PREVIOUS: Being Right (#1)

⬅ “ARROGANT BOSS” by DMT

 

🟧 WHAT’S WRONG With Being ‘Right’?
Unhealthy (mild): The narcissist in us (& every ACoA has one) will think or say “If I can see this so clearly, why in the world can’t you? // If I can do that task, what’s your problem? // If I love that, I assume you will too. If not, why not?!”
This attitude makes no sense at all. Even identical twins are different in some fundamental ways. One person is not automatically better or more correct than another – just different. (See “Symbiosis & ACoAs #3“)

UNHEALTHY (severe) Addicted to being right (aBR)
🖤 This character defect (a cognitive distortion) applies TO :
— some adults we grew up with, AND
— those of us who have copied them , &
— anyone we’re ‘stuck to’ as adults who is like that

A Closed System – The state of a person or thing being isolated from its surrounding environment.
a : Any one person so rigid in their opinions that they can’t let in anything which differs from their own determined ‘correctness’

b :  2 people, a Dominant (D) & a Submissive (S) personality, who interact in an ongoing feedback loop, constantly exchanging limited, often distorted, info – characterized by coercion/compliance, co-dependence, sameness & symbiosis (like Mrs Bucket & husband)

For the D – there is no concern & equality for others, or desire to change, and –
For the S – there is no autonomy, questioning, rocking the boat, separateness, speaking up or taking a stand . (More….)

● GROUPS: (family, academia, church… )
Groups who assert they have the only right answer – discourage change, differences, disrupting the status quo, equality, independence, objecting, questioning, or taking a stand.
They tend to promote factions, gossip, immaturity, repression, secrets & triangulation. It makes members reactive & anxious, even if this is hidden from each other. They don’t feel safe to question or disagree leadership or the official rules, feafulr of disapproval, punishment or rejection. (MORE…)

🔒 At the extreme ‘right’ we find the ‘Right-ists’.

● RIGHT-ists are in a world of their own, extremely self-absorbed & arrogant – The accuracy or importance of whatever point they’re pushing is not as relevant as their need to be agreed with.
Their rigid thinking is used in a power struggle to bring everyone else to their knees – psychologically, mentally & emotionally. They want to capture other people’s thoughts – even in situations truly & totally beyond their control, such as with the active addicts .(Serenity Prayer backwards“).
Ingrained Right-ists truly feel justified in their position, rarely if ever seeing the arrogance & selfishness of their attitude. Sure of themself & comfortable in their superiority – so there’s no internal cognitive dissonance.

NOTE: Some right-ists camouflage their compulsion by seeming concerned for others’ welfare, sounding reasonable or just giving ‘helpful’ suggestions. But all the while they’re trying to control their environment – to make it conform to their world-view.
One hint: they consistently make unsolicited & often unwanted suggestions, give advice & offer help – there version.
DO NOT be taken in by the presentation. If your own opinions & needs are often or always ignored or over-ruled – you’re dealing with a sneak-narcissist.

Re. SELF,  RIGHT-ists:
• are rigid & controlling, so they don’t work well with others
• can become quite aggressive in order to eliminate the threat to their (secret or unconscious) weak self-image
• experience anyone who opposes or simply has differing opinions – as a direct threat to their sense of well-being
• lack empathy, have no patience with others & are often snide
• need the world to revolve around them

Re. OTHERS., RIGHT-ists :
• alienate others without realizing it, OR of they do, they wonder why, then assume it’s the other person’s fault
• can end up isolated & deprived of companionship, love, affection, …. unless they find a passive person who uses the ‘Right-ist’ to think for them!
• can’t imagine that other people actually have different needs & opinions from their own (NPD mother = “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”)
• may push good info from ‘good intentions’, without considering that they’re discrediting another’s process, boundary invading, & being arrogant (“others NEED me”)
• regard others’ ideas or viewpoints as inferior or worthless, often losing out on new info, & wonderful opportunities or relationships.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 3a)

ACoAs being ‘RIGHT’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , , ,

IF I DON’T INSIST
no one will pay attention!

PREVIOUS: Psychopath Red flags #3

SITEs:
 Why is it so important to be right? 

QUOTEs: “Everything that is in agreement with our personal desires seems true. Everything that is not – puts us in a rage.”~ Andre Maurois
🔎 “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”   Isaac Asimov

 

What does ‘BEING RIGHT’ (BR) mean?
a. OK : Generally refers to having accurate information, knowing the right way to do something, or being sure of who we are, what we want, how we feel… It can be about:
• Assertiveness: being accurately sure about a subject or a person (“I know what I know”) & not afraid to stand by it
• Justice: fighting for what is just & right, especially in the face of opposition, but not for personal gain or to feed one’s ego
OR
b. NOT OK : Trying to force others to see our point of view & see the world exactly the way we do. It can be from:
• Narcissism: needing others to agree with us (“I’m right & you’re not”), in order to preserve the False Persona we’ve carefully crafted to cover up feeling insecure & vulnerable
• Symbiosis: the need/demand that others are just like us (“agree with me”) in order to not feel alone & abandoned
🚫 BOTH are being out of touch with one’s True Self

SO – it’s important to know when it’s legitimate to be right or not
Al-Anon tells us to ask ourselves “Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?” It’s a choice between getting our way (at any cost) OR having peaceful encounters with others.
This Q. is addressed to those of us who are co-dependents & addicts, since it would be a rare issue for healthy people. We can also say that Right and Happy are really not opposite ends of a spectrum. Instead it’s about the right/freedom of others to have their own point of view, AND being OK/safe with their right/freedom.

● The Q. comes up when we are having a disagreement with someone & feel an internal pressure (from the PP or the WIC) to get them to do something our way, to understand our point or to agree with our opinion – in order to feel connected. This can only happen if we still have a great deal of unresolved abandonment fear. Remembering the co-dep Triangle (Rescuer-Victim-Persecutor), even victims can become bullies when terrified & desperate to not feel but off.

● It’s a tricky Q. for us to answer because:
💌 some of us go along with whatever others say just to ‘keep the peace’ but really it’s to not have the other person be angry or leave us
💌 some of us never agree with anyone for fear of being swallowed up & disappear (used as a false boundary), while –
💌 others can manage disagreements in some situations (casual friends, co-workers….) but not in others, as when deeply attached to a person or position (lover, job…), then our WIC desperately feels it needs to go along with ‘whatever.

The Brain Is Hooked on Being Right
In situations of high stress, fear or distrust – like being wrong, ignored or laughed at – our brain chemistry (cortisol….) makes ‘decisions’ about how best to protect itself. We default to 1 of 4 F responses:
• fight – keep arguing the point, which is the hardest on relationships, & unfortunately the most common
• flight – revert to or hide behind group consensus
• freeze – mentally disengage, or shut up
• fawn – appease, ‘make nice’ by simply agreeing

The Fight reaction is partly due to other neuro-chemicals. When we argue & win, our brain floods with adrenaline & dopamine, making us feel good, dominant, even invincible. It’s understandable that we’d want to repeat those feelings. So the next time we’re in a tense situation, we fight again, & over time will get addicted to being ‘right’.
BUT if we’re getting high from being one-up, then the other person / group is one-down & therefore diminished.

NEXT: Being Right (Part 2)

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


ALL OF THEIR CHARM
is a lie, but hard to resist

PREVIOUS: Psychopath RED FLAGS #2

BOOKs: “Psychopath FREE”

 

2. SOCIAL Manipulation (in Part 2)

3. GENERAL  (cont)
• Hate filled – they’re obsessed with humiliating anyone who is successful, kind & cheerful, taking a delight in breaking up friendships & marriages

• Lie & make excuses – about everything, even when it’s not necessary, & can make up lies faster than you can question them

• No startle response – they have a total absence of anxiety, fear & worry – where there would be in a ‘normal’ person. They always seem to be calm, rarely stressed or nervous. This may be the result of decreased activity in the amygdala (emotion center of the brain)

• No boundaries – they invade personal space, standing too close. Research shows that ‘cold-hearted’ (inter-personally aloof) people prefer less distance between themselves & others. It may be a subtle symptom of aggression, as in “In your face”

• Physical — psychopaths need very little sleep – maybe 4-5 hrs a night. They’re always on the go, searching for new stimulation
— Research indicates they have a poor sense of smell – have a hard time identifying something or knowing the difference between smells
— They seem to have little or no body odor, maybe from frequent showers, carrying deodorant or a change of clothes – all to make a good impression

• Thirst for attention & adoration is obsessive & insatiable. You thought you were the only one who could make them happy, but now you see that anyone with a pulse can fill the role. They will drain you dry, but no one can fill the void in a psychopath’s ‘soul

4. REACTIONS – in YOU, the ‘Receiver’ of P-A
.• Crazed – After being around a psychopath for a while, you’ll feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, suicidal & empty. You’ve torn your entire life apart for them – spending money, ending friendships, searching for some sort of reason behind it all. None of it worked & there is no sane explanation. Psychopaths are hollow, deliberately using people & then discarding them like soiled clothes

• Denial – You feel on edge around this person, but you still want them to like you. You write off most of their questionable behavior as accidental or insensitive, because you’re insecure & in constant competition with others for their attention & praise

• Explaining (a) – You desperately ask them to imagine how they’d feel if you treated them in a hurtful way, but they just stare at you blankly. No adult should have to be told how they are making others feel. But psychopaths can’t seem to put themselves in your shoes, or anyone else’s either.  If it doesn’t bother them, why would it bother you?

•  Explaining (b) You find yourself trying to get across the basic elements of human respect to a full-grown adult. ‘Normal’ people understand the fundamental concepts of honesty & kindness, but not a psychopath. They don’t have a conscience.

• Insecurity – During & after the relationship, you’ll spend a lot more time in front of the mirror. (Thank You to “ckwanderlust” for their valuable insights)

•  No fighting – you’re afraid that any way you disagree with them could mean the end. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but psychopaths make it clear that unpleasant conversations will jeopardize the relationship, especially anything to do with their behavior. You apologize & forgive quickly, otherwise you know they’ll lose interest

• Research – You find yourself playing detective, looking for answers to a feeling you can’t quite explain. It’s never happened in your other relationship, but suddenly you’re checking their old emails, cell phone texts, search logs, old Facebook pages & pics, about their ex…..

It’s not you! Their treatment was never about you! What you’re responsible for is staying with someone who mistreated you. That you can change – but never them!

KNOWLEDGE – If you’re wise enough to be on the outside looking at the psychopath, you may be the only one who knows that something’s seriously wrong with them. But no one will listen. Psychopaths are able to maintain superficial friendships far longer than ‘intimate’ relationships.

Friends, family, co-workers will think he/she is great, even though they’ve been taken advantage of, even outright scammed. Unfortunately, ‘victims’ won’t object because they’re distracted with shallow attention & praise – often on social media.
All you can do is say what is true & then let go!

NEXT: Being ‘Right’ #1

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , ,

LISTEN TO PATTERN
of their conversation

PREVIOUS: Red Flags #1

BOOK:  HOW to TAKE REVENGE on a NARCISSIST: Take your power back by using their secret techniques 

List BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

 

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation (Part 1)

2. SOCIAL Manipulation
• Boredom – They focus more on their new activity & ignore other ones with you. They don’t seem to care when you’re not nearby, since they can just as easily move on to the next source of energy

• Comparing you with everyone else in their life, including your eventual replacement. When idealizing you, you feel very special by being told how much better you are than ‘these’ people. Later, when devaluing you, they use these comparisons to cut you down

• Communicating – texts you dozens of times a day, adding compliments, flattery, songs & poems on Facebook….  You come to rely on this flood of attention as a source of self-confidence

• Denouncing – they seem to have an unusual amount of crazies in their past. They bad-mouth previous business execs & personal relationships who ‘abandoned’ them, labeling those people as disloyal, jealous, bipolar, alcoholic….  They’ll trash-talk about you the same way to their next target

• Exes, Exes, Exes – it’s the psychopath’s favorite topic of conversation & you’re stuck listening about previous relationships all the time – their names & everything that happened between them – but only the psychopath’s version

• In Demand – they surround themselves with former lovers & potential mates, bragging that their exes still want to sleep with him/her, but assures you not to worry. You feel jealous, believing your partner is in high demand

• Isolating – If you try to keep up ties with family & friends outside your relationship, they will be sure to undermine each one until you’re severed. And if you work hard to foster inner peace in your life, they’ll make it their mission to destroy every avenue or tool you try to use

• Mind reading. Psychopaths expect you to always be able to know what they want or need, when they’re upset, when they don’t feel well, when they want you to do something – all without saying!

• Rivalry – they shift their laser focus from you back to previously denounced exes, using social media to post ambiguous videos & status updates, old songs & inside jokes. They make you doubt your importance to them, but if called out will say it’s all innocent – that you’re paranoid.

• Shape shifting. They adopt different personae for different people or groups, transforming their outward personality to match their audience. But sometimes they forget what role they’re playing with you, then slip & accidentally use the wrong mask. You begin to wonder – Who are they really?
Very eerie, but it’s not Multiple Personality Disorder. Each shift is conscious & cleverly molded – all to cover their inner emptiness.

3. GENERAL
• Blaming others – nothing is ever their fault. They spend all their time rationalizing & excusing their behavior rather than improving it

•  Dichotomy – they confuse you by acting like a swaggering street-smarts toughness, alternating with a little boy/girl ‘innocence’ routine (not real!).

• Fake goodness – they may create a ‘saintly’ aura by engaging in phony altruism (volunteering, donating, gift-giving…), & then can’t wait to boast about the great things they do for others – to gain your trust

•  Fake ‘tears’ – their emotions are shallow & short-lived.
— the’ve learned to copy emotions they see in others, so the mask rarely slips – unconsciously, when you get a feeling hint that something’s ‘off”
— you may catch flashes of contempt (feeling superior), unrelated to anything going at the moment. Micro-expressions leak their true opinions
— rage is one of the few Es they actually feel, but even so they can go from ranting to compete calm in a minute

• Fun – they actively search our extreme sports & dangerous activities, from a need to feel excitement via high risk & intensity. Anything from ‘BASE’ jumping to having sex in public, from juggling matches to carelessly cheating on a mate

• Overwhelming selfishness – only their needs, desires, opinions, upsets… count

•  Talking style – on the one hand their speech is filled with ‘umm / er / uh’ s… maybe   needing the time or mental effort to come up with the next lie, ‘story’ or way to make a good impression
On the other hand – they can barrage you with endless (sometimes interesting) monologues, like being on stage, but ignore responses or interruptions

• TMI – they love to tell about shady & ‘dirty’ things they’ve done (business & sexual) – as if those were something to be proud of – while giving the impression that’s all in the past for them.    (Modified from “Identifying a Psychopath….”)

NEXT: Psychopath RED FLAGS #3

RED FLAGS from Psychopaths (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery , , , , , ,


NOTICE HOW OUT OF TUNE
they are with the rest of us

PREVIOUS: Dealing with P-As, #5

SITE: Movie Psychopaths – Most & Least realistic 


BASED ON: “30 Red Flags of Manipulative People”

Many of these Red Flags are contradictory – which is part of the psychopath’s bag of tricks. Don’t be fooled, because if  you believe their initial con-job, then they can keep you off balance, & you stay hooked.

★ We always need to be awake for what people are telling us about themselves – in all relationships. One Red Flag to look for is:
Always be suspicious of anyone who comes on too strong, too attentive & complimentary, too easily ‘attached’ – almost as soon as they meet you, even if some of what they say about you is accurate. They simply don’t know you yet, so all their sweet-talk is a form of manipulation & narcissism. It’s creepy!

Healthy people are not taken in by this – they can ‘feel’ such a person’s inappropriateness, whether from neediness or used as a self-serving hook. Smart adults take the time to slowly get to know others, allowing the process to unfold the truth. This is especially important for ACoAs, who are looking for a symbiotic, instant attachment – but which makes us vulnerable to being used & then thrown away!

1. RELATIONAL Manipulation
• Bait & Switch. After the initial seduction & idealization phase, they stop the compliments & flattery, then undermine your self-esteem by being degrading & belittling

• Be Non-reactive – they’re cool, calm & collected & want you to feel inferior or over-sensitive for having normal human emotions & reactions

• Controlling – They tell you what to of, say & feel. They try to ‘fix’ you up, obsessed with your appearance, making comments about what you’re wearing  & how you look, always picking at you, pointing out flaws that don’t even exist\

• Declare you are their soul mate – in the beginning: psychopaths will tell you how much you have in common, they just can’t believe how perfect you are for them, let you do all the talking…. so you’re enchanted

• Flatter your deepest insecurities, mirroring your greatest fantasies, playing whatever role is necessary to win your heart. EXP:
— If you’re self-conscious about your looks, they’ll say you’re the sexiest person in the world
— If you have a need to be entertaining, they’ll say you’re the funniest most interesting person they’ve ever known….

• Gaslighting. Psychopaths blatantly deny their own manipulative behavior, ignoring clear evidence when confronted with it. They get angry if you try to disprove their denial / delusions using facts

• Insult you in a joking but condescending way, subtly minimizing your intelligence & achievements, such as smirk any time you try to express yourself

• Over-emphasize emotions, verbally, but not ever show any themselves. Make passionate statements like “I’ve never felt so happy in my life”, but in a robotic, detached voice – like an alien trying to imitate human feelings

• Provoke emotional reactions – deliberately setting you up. EXP:
— call you jealous after blatantly flirting with their ex on social media
— call you needy after intentionally ignoring you for 3 days straight…..

• Teasing you becomes their major style of communication – “just joking”! If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive, paranoid & cra

• Ultimate hypocrite. Psychopaths expect you to be their perfect mate, demanding total fidelity, respect & admiration – while they cheat, lie, steal & use you emotionally

• Withhold attention. Once you’re hooked they suddenly become withdrawn & physically uninterested – without any obvious reason or explanation. They act bored, like it’s a chore to be intimate, completely annoyed that you expect to continue the passionate relationship they started.
It make you desperate & needy, ensuring that you’ll always be the one to initiate contact

• Silent treatment: If they stop talking to you for several days, it’s to show their displeasure because they want you to believe that it was your fault for expecting too much from them, for ruining their plans, for not being available when they wanted you…. & they’ll play the victim as an excuse for not telling you

• Spotlight – always shining it on your faults and ignoring their own. If you point out their mistakes, they’re quick to point the finger back at you.  EXP:
— If they’re 2 hours late, they remind you that you were once 5 minutes late to your first date
— If they’ve forgotten to keep a promise, they remind you of the time you didn’t buy the milk you said you’d pick it up for their breakfast…..

• Teasing you becomes their major style of communication – “just joking”! If you point this out, they call you hypersensitive, paranoid & crazy

NEXT: Red Flags, #2

DEALING with P-As: Managing (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I’LL DO WHAT I CAN
but it’s not all up to me!

PREVIOUS: Dealing with PAs – #4

SITE: Confronting P-A behavior
— re. resistance to being confronted = #4


OUR RESPONSES
Set limits, list consequences – then follow through.
CRUCIAL: Identify the P-A’s dysfunctional behavior, & then state what it will cost them to continue it – with you. It’s a powerful tool, throwing down the gauntlet. It says you’re not the pushover they’re used to dealing with. Their maneuvers are basically a power struggle – with the whole world, but especially against anyone they see as an authority figure – in relation to themselves (spouse, teacher, family member, church, governments….) . So you can’t let it pass.

One of the biggest mistakes Receivers make is to be much too lenient. Once you give in to the P-A’s pattern, you’ve lost the game they’re playing. Ignoring or going along with their tactics, or taking on their responsibilities, is enabling & encourage them to continue.

Although you don’t want to provoke an angry confrontation, you also don’t need to be the P-A’s punching bag. Make it clear you won’t tolerate being mistreated. It’s your right to set boundaries. This is equally true about their language & their non-actions, all of which are forms of abuse & therefore damaging to your relationship, & to work outcomes. For most of us it takes practice to be assertive, & sometimes even courage.

Offer one or more serious/ important consequences that you know will matter to the P-A . Said simply & calmly, it may make them think twice about their automatic reactions, & maybe encourage them to modify their behavior – shifting from obstruction to cooperation. READ  7  types of power that encourages positive change.

Make sure the punishment fits the crime. Because P-A patterns are so frustrating, consequences/punishments can quickly go overboard (like in the heat of the moment screaming “I’m never ever talking to you again!”). Taking a time-out for yourself can help you come up with the best response.
AND – you may need to talk to someone else you trust to give you another perspective – or just a word of encouragement to stay strong. There’s nothing weak or shameful in getting support.

EXP: If this problem has gone on for too long – decide: Do I just need a break, or is it time to end the friendship altogether? / Is this person needed in this job, or should I fire them?….. OR – If someone is habitually late to meet you at an agreed upon time – after the 3rd or 4th time let them know that from now on that you’ll only wait 15 min. & then leave. Don’t keep waiting.

So no matter what their reaction is to being called out, as an Rs you need to stand pat about how much you’re willing to take going forward. Follow through on the limits you set – to let the P-A know you’re not willing to pay the price for their acting out.
If possible, give the P-A a chance to help solve the problem at hand, asking them for constructive, practical solutions that work for them, to improve or fix the situation (at work or at home). BUT if all you get are complaints & criticisms, don’t agree or disagree. Just say that you’ll keep what they said in mind, & go back to the point you were making.

Reinforce appropriate/good behavior – with the goal of increasing its frequency. It can be : punishing bad responses or rewarding good ones – which are harder so notice. So be on the lookout for positive changes – which include expressions of true emotions & any unhealthy tactic not done.

Decide when to detach or avoid the P-A completely. If you’ve given them every chance to ‘correct’, spoken to them reasonable, given them options &/or consequences – AND nothing changes – it’s perfectly reasonable to spend a lot less time with them or end the relationship. Sometimes this can be very difficult & painful, but you have to put your own well-being first. (Self-care)
However, if it’s a casual acquaintance – it’s easier to just avoid them.

What can help you deal with a P-A you care deeply about is to focus on their best qualities. Make a list & add to it if /when you see positive changes. Sometimes reinforcing the best in others will give them a reason to improve themselves.
NOTE: This does not apply to active addicts or other narcissists. Their S-H won’t allow for compliments & their acting-out can not be reinforced or excused.

NEXT: RED FLAGS in Psychopaths

DEALING with P-As: Communication (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: Dealing with P-As – Communication (4a)

SITE:  “How to Successfully Handle Passive-Aggressive People,

NOTE: Communication is the T category of T.E.A. It’s about words, & can be expressed non-verbally, with body language & tone of voice…..

ALSO – It’s understood that dealing with a P-A at work has the advantage that they are being paid to accomplish tasks & can be fired ‘for cause’. Dealing with P-As at home is much harder, whether a spouse or child, altho you can ‘fire’ a spouse, but not young children. YOUR attitude has a big impact on how you communicate with them.

Def – ATTITUDE: A predisposition & tendency toward or habitual way of responding to ideas, objects, people or situations. Each specific attitude (helpful, positive, negative, arrogant, defiant, cool….) will influence ones choice of response to difficult or pleasant experiences (stimuli).  The 4 main components are:
(1) Affective : emotions or feelings (2) Cognitive : conscious beliefs or opinions
(3) Conative : inclination to act, implies striving (4) Evaluative : positive or negative

Stay Friendly AND Assertive
P-As vent emotion from behind a mask of indifference. Because they feed on negativity, they look for a ‘bad reaction’ from the Receiver (R= us) so they can make their stress reaction be about you, without getting blamed.

Don’t stoop to their level in return.- being P-A or attacking.  If you fall for their ploy of letting them getting under your skin, it will divert attention from the real problem you want to address. Be open, honest & direct about the issue, which will allow you to be more in charge of your responses.

Staying calm lets you clearly see their actions rather than what’s wrong with you. Model positive behavior. Whether dealing with children or adults, show how you handle frustrations & problems in healthy ways (Adult ego state), which will let others know what you expect of them, & how to interact with you. But don’t assume they’ll copy you!

Assertive communication is direct, non-reactive, & respectful.
In dealing with adults, being mentally clear & emotionally level-headed are important in dealing with a P-A. Show confidence, be collaborative & state that you want to solve the problem in a way that works for both of you. It’s not just about getting your way, but taking the other person into consideration. Offer a positive alternative to their behavior & its advantages, as well as asking the P-A to contribute a useful option they can live with. Take the time to reach a fair solution

• Avoid broad statements like “You’re always doing this! / Why can’t you ____? / When are you going to____?….” These are accusations, not solutions
• Avoid verbal confrontations & power struggles which only reinforces the passive-aggressiveness, which will increase your frustration
• Avoid rehashing the past, trying to force a solution, or sounding disgusted
• Avoid telling them what you think their motive is for problem behavior., You’re not their therapist
• Avoid telling them they’re being passive aggressive! 😬

♦︎ Instead, point out the inconsistencies between their words & actions, keeping it factual rather than emotional. Describe their specific behavior objectively & its negative effect on the goal you’ve set for them (which they may even have agreed to but are ‘messing up’) : clean the garage, finish a paper, write a proposal, prepare a presentation, research a subject, fill out their eval form, pick up milk….

Listening (4 posts) – It’s also important to hear what the P-A is saying, without interrupting, especially without accusation or blame. Consider the other person’s point-of-view, & acknowledge it. Validate their feelings or opinions, even if you think / know they are wrong.  Acknowledging that you heard their position does not automatically mean you agree with them.

In Mild situations, use humor! This helps in conflict resolution, can be a great way to shine a light on the truth, disarm difficult behavior & show your composure.
EXP: Is someone you see often is too stuck up to respond to your: “Hello, how are you?, you can say – to their silence: “That good, eh?” It may or may not break the ice.

NOTE: Other reasons for their silence are not always P-A but rather may be shyness, preoccupation or illness. One woman who was undergoing chemo treatments felt awful much of the time. Every week an acquaintance would ask “How are you”. After the second or third time the sufferer got tired of repeating “I’m in pain, weak & tired, thanks.” So she stopped responding & just shook her head. She hoped shuffling along with a cane would be enough of an answer!

NEXT: Dealing with P-As #5

DEALING with P-As: Emotions (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem

HIDDEN ANGER
is tricky to deal with

PREVIOUS :
Dealing with P-As #2

SITE: BLOG re. P-A relationship

 


Our EMOTIONS
Notice how you feel around the P-A.
Pay close attention to your instincts. You’ll definitely feel frustrated, & then angry. If you don’t know what’s happening or you’re blaming yourself you may even despair. You are actually in a situation you can’t win – nothing you say or do seems to please them or get them to hear you. YOU :
• are likely feel tired or deflated, IF you’ve been trying to make sense of their behavior, & spending a lot of energy trying to get them to co-operate
• can feel hurt if they give you the silent treatment
•  feel annoyed that they’re always complaining, but don’t do anything to improve their situation

Make Friends with YOUR Anger
 To be effective in dealing with P-As you have to be OK with your own feeling of anger at them (acceptance) – because that’s a normal reaction to being jerked around.

REMEMBER: We have our own hot buttons, which P-As can take advantage of – once they get to know us. Identify them, & then notice when you get really anxious or have a strong angry reaction when a button is bumped into.
EXP: When ignored / accused wrongly / called ‘too sensitive’ / treated as stupid / taken advantage of / not given credit…..

Moderate your Response
Develop a “Teflon coating” for yourself when dealing with P-As — stay calm, keep your voice neutral, hold your emotions in check. The less reactive you are, the less fuel they have for their hidden anger tactics
• If possible, find out what the P-A is angry about – in the present situation. Notice a problem they’re reacting to as soon as you can

• Because P-As don’t show their anger directly, you can talk to someone who knows them well enough to tell you what the P-A’s buttons are, to know what subtle signs to look for
• Think seriously about what might really be driving the P-A’s behavior, which is usually a symptom of something else (or deeper) that’s upsetting them. NOTE: these is a tools to help with awareness, not in order to fix them

Stay as neutral as you can manage – even if you have to act-as-if. When you do get upset (which is likely), calm yourself down first before addressing whatever issue that’s bothering you – take a walk, crank up the music & dance, call a sponsor, read a page or two from the Al-Anon “Just for Today” Meditations…..
Then figure out exactly what you need / want from this situation, what is actually possible & what realistic outcome you can live with

Practice ++ self-talk (until it’s automatic), such as:
🤔”I didn’t cause it / I can’t control it / I can’t cure it”.
• I recognize their ______ as P-A behavior – it’s a familiar pattern I see & acknowledge
• He wants me to get angry & yell, so it’ll end up being my problem, not his
• I know what’s behind her procrastination, intentional inefficiency, ‘laziness’…
• It is her anger/ resentment that she’s not owning up to
• I don’t want to (& won’t) participate in P-A manipulation
• I have a right to be treated at least with respect, at best more lovingly
• I trust my gut reaction when I feel jabbed – because that’s what just happened

Empathize
Learn reflective listening & express empathy toward the P-A. While this may be hard to do, it can sometimes be helpful in dealing with sideways anger, & may disarm them. In any case, be compassionate toward yourself.

You can reflect (mirror back) their suppressed emotions by saying things like, “It seems like you were frustrated by what happened in school / at work….  today. That makes sense & must have been hard…..”
You can remind yourself that someone has probably been patient, understanding & compassionate towards you at times when you were not at our best. Pay it forward.

FROM Elephant Journal: “The passive-aggressive individual is not a bad person, they are simply a person who has been deeply hurt.
And when it’s a family member, friend, or intimate partner, the only way to stay present is with expansive love.
Pushing such a person to be honest or direct does not work, because they can’t see past their own fear & hurt.
Space and time are essential for healing.
Even more so, seeing the best in them can alleviate some of their fear, & reassure them they’re held with love, & embraced with your security.”

PS: In most cases it’s the P-A’s behavior / communication that’s hurtful & unhealthy (bad), is not the essence of the person. This is because the ‘acting out’ comes from the person’s False Self, rather than their hidden Healthy / True Self. However – their hurtful behavior is not to be excused or overlooked.

NEXT: Dealing w/ P-As #4