al-anon

ACoAs dealing with ABUSERS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

IS IT ME, OR –
are they the crazy ones?

PREVIOUS: Dealing with Abusers -#1

SEE post: “They did the best they could”


1. ACoA Silence (Part 1 & 2)

2. SPEAKING UP
a. “Wrong” Talking
Unhealthy – over-explaining or justifying ourself, pushing our opinions, trying to be heard & be ‘right‘. It can be in the form of ranting, repeating the same thing over & over, having a tantrum or being preachy.
It’s most likely to happen when we’re with someone who clearly is not interested in what we feel or think – but we refuse to accept it, & keep trying!
“Maybe I can wear them down OR figure out the ‘right way’ to say it!” It’s classic ACoA to try getting our needs met from the very people who can’t do it!
b. Healthy Talking
Taking care of ourselves includes having to ASK for something (don’t expect mind-reading), or just expressing our point of view.  It’s important to let others know what we want, but this must be done…communication

i. ….once we’re sure we know what our real need is in a given situation (respect, stopping an abuse, getting info or a service….).
That way we can be direct & clear, rather than assuming someone should know. That’s only legitimate for infants, who can’t talk yet.
FROM :
ii. ….our Adult ego state, not from the WIC. It means short, to the point & unemotional. This works most of the time!  Reasons for us to speak up to abusers are :
• putting the Perp on notice that we’re not available to be their Victim (V), which represents our self-esteem, knowing we deserve respect
UNIT ego state• standing up for our WIC and the Healthy Child. It’s the job of the Loving Inner Parent, especially since no one did that for us, growing up.
Our attention is best focused on what’s appropriate for us rather than trying to control others. We’ll not be speaking up for the P’s benefit – ever! It does not matter that the P. will not be able to hear you, much less willing to change. The WIC can hear you. Be your own champion!
BY :
iii. ….asking the right person :
• If it’s someone you already know well, always check in with yourself first : “Can they provide what I’m asking for, or am I barking up the wrong tree?”
DO NOT chase a hope-filled fantasy. We just diminish ourself, get furious, feel ‘bad’, then hopeless.

• If you’re asking a stranger (like ‘Customer Service’) & you don’t get what you need from one person, hang up & keep trying until you get someone else who knows what they’re doing, & can provide an answer or service – if it’s actually possible & realistic! It may take 3 or 4 calls, but it works!

BOTTOM LINE
Silence or Denial?  Can you save yourself from getting run over by a car if you’re blindfolded & wandering in the street? NO!
ACoAs keep suffering – unnecessarily – as long as our eyes are tightly closed to the damage others do to us, even inadvertently. Yes, sometimes we are the source of our pain – from the WIC or the PP – which can be corrected with compassion & eliminating harmful self-talk.

But when someone else is being mean, selfish, crazy or cruel toward us, it causes us pain – just as it would for anyone. But it’s even more so for ACoAs because of our earlier wounds.  By recognizing when the pain is coming from (our damage vs another person’s), we eliminate much of our Self-Hate.

PONDER: You get shot by stray bullets in a nearby gunfight you have nothing to do with. You don’t die, but are left having to deal with severe injuries that take a long time to heal. You didn’t do the shooting, so you didn’t cause your wounds – even if you unfortunately happened to be in the vicinity.

So why do ACoAs blame ourself for the abuse we got from our sick parents & now from others who spray their mental / emotional illness over everything?
REMEMBER : we were not the source of the original mistreatment!
It’s not our fault that the other person chose to act in a certain way. The clearer we are about who is responsible for what – theirs vs. ours – the kinder we can be to ourself, & the better our life becomes.

NEXT: Traits of  Victims #1

ACoAs dealing with ABUSERS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I’M TOO SCARED  to tell!

PREVIOUS:  Denial & Acting out

SITE: 15 Secret Signs You’re Actually Really Insecure

Post:  “ACoAs Getting Controlled” (1 & 2)


1. ACoA SILENCE
ACoAs are more than reluctant to speak up for ourselves. We hold it in & hold it in, then eventually explode at others, OR implode – into illness, depression & isolation.
We’re equally mute with people WHO:
• are actually abusive, whether they know it & don’t care, or have no idea what effect they’re having
• we just think they are hurting us by something they said or by not reading our mind (giving us what we need without us having to ask for it), but they’re really not harmful – they’re just pushing a button in us
• are not being abusive at all, but we’re afraid of hurting their feelings, scaring them away or -god forbid- make them angry at us!

Validation – We may need sane sources to help us identify ‘who did what’ but don’t go to the Perp. They deny or confuse. Al-Anon stresses “Detach! Let go” – with love, with hate, with humor… any way possible!
You wouldn’t demand that a person blind from birth should see colors! Don’t chase abusers – for anything, especially to admit they’re wrong!don't talk

REASONS 
a. The ACA “DON’T TALK” rule   (they = parents / community), ABOUT WHAT :
• is actually going on in the family itself – don’t air dirty laundry – it’s no one else’s business (family shame = family secrets)
• you need & want, since they can’t or don’t want to provide them
& ABOUT WHAT:
• you feel emotionally – they don’t want to hear it, they’re already in enough pain & don’t know how to deal with it, so don’t need yours too!
• your personal opinions, values & observations are – if they don’t fit in with the ‘party line’ (the ‘story’ created about the tribe we all belong to).

🤐 No matter how twisted, it’s our family & we protect it at all costs. These messages prevent some ACoAs from going to 12-Step programs &/or therapy – seeing it as disloyalty.

b. Co-dependence
Of course most people don’t want to ‘be in trouble’ with others, so we learn what’s appropriate to say or not say, especially in public.
But for ACoAs it’s always about FoA (fear of abandonment). Even as adults we’re afraid of unpleasant reactions from others – when they get angry at, dislike, make fun of – or worse – ignore us!

• Our co-dependence (needing others’ good-will to feel OK about ourself) drives us do anything we can to prevent anyone from expressing even slight disapproval, which will set off our S-H.
The WIC believes: “I’m so unlovable, no one really wants me & sooner or later will leave. Unless I can con them into accepting or at least  tolerating me – I’ll die”. So we think lying or silence is safer.

REALITY: MOST of how people respond to us has nothing to do with who we are – but the child’s narcissism takes everything personally. In the present, anything that seems like an abandonment feels like punishment,
✎ ✐ rather than others just having their own feelings & opinions, OR are acting out their damage.
SITE: From Parent-Pleasing to People-Pleasing 

c. Controlled
Another reason we’re silent is the brain-washing we received growing up. We were trained so thoroughly to ignore what we heard, saw & experienced – that we end up not seeing many things that are in front of us (”What insult?”), misreading a situation (“I’m sure they hate me”) or unable to respond to a painful comment (“I wish I had said…..”).
POST: “ACoAs over-controlling ourself”

EXP:  No matter how articulate some of us are when we’re comfortable, there are times we get emotional brain-freeze.
It’s so-o-o frustrating that when we’re with someone who is being inappropriate, mean, insulting….  it triggers a childhood wound & we instantly shut down with terror, the reminder of family abuse being in total control.
At that moment we’ve lost our internal computer screen – it goes blank & we can’t think, much less talk. Yet as soon as we’re alone, the computer comes back on automatically & we know what we should have said! Darn, darn!

SITE: Emotional Complexity (Habituation, Inhibition, Constriction….) 

NEXT: Dealing with Abusers (Part 2)

DENIAL & ACTING OUT

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I HAVE TO BE IN LA-LA LAND
to suppress the pain

PREVIOUS:
Deliberate or not? #2

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


REVIEW: Most people are capable of some emotional abuse (E.A.) because most people have experienced E.A. as children. Sooner or later, we treat others the way our family treated us – acting out our parents, just as we act out the WIC.
The focus here is on breaking out of the ACoA’s denial about how & when others act badly toward us, which we have a habit of ignoring, mis-identifying or not noticing, because it’s so familiar.

ACTING OUT 
a. Any compulsive behavior you don’t consciously choose & so can’t seem to stop yourself from doing, OR compulsively not doing….
b. …. which expresses intense emotions you’re not actually feeling at the time, but that are rumbling under the surface

• This term is usually assumed to mean overt actions, against oneself or towards others – getting drunk, starting a fight, being late for work, being promiscuous … ♼ But it just as often the NOT taking :
✂︎ specific actions that would be good for you (walking out on a bad date)
✂︎ legitimate actions you planned on (making a call, going to a job interview), but “forgot”

spacing outEXP: You’ve made an appointment with a new therapist & consciously – you’re looking forward to it. It’s on your calendar & you remind yourself of it the day before. Then you go thru the whole day of the appointment without going – totally oblivious – until late that night as you’re falling asleep. “Oh No! I forgot all about it, & I really meant to go!”

😱This is an EXP of the WIC’s un-felt but intense fear of being vulnerable with a new authority/ parent figure who may or may not be safe.**
✶✶ When we’ve done or neglected to do something that seems baffling, inappropriate, even out of character, we can figure it out : Identify what emotions we were spaced out on (dissociating) but which desperately needed to be expressed – somehow!

DENIAL
Denial allows us to look for & stay with abusers, which is potentially life threatening, & definitely damages us psychologically!

a. MIS-USED: ‘Denial’ is typically meant as – Deliberately ignoring something we know but don’t want to deal with. This is not Denial.
When people say “I just won’t think about it. I’ve put it out of my mind… ” they’re referring to ‘suppression’ – a conscious decision.
Of course, if what we’ve push away was traumatic, that emotional pain will be festering in a dark corner, & eventually comes out in some others form – as hidden or direct rage at others, &/or self-destructive behavior.

b. GENUINE psychological ‘Denial’ is NOT deliberate. It’s a defense mechanism to “not acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion by not allowing it into consciousness.” = meaning that we don’t know we don’t know (something)! – either about ourself or someone else, even though it may be perfectly obvious to others.

This ‘skill’ comes from years of childhood training, hardened into Toxic Family Rules & Roles, as well as our human need for emotional survival. As an adult, it usually takes a lot of work to bring up long-buried traumatic experiences & associated pain into awareness, but once in a while some life-event can force a chunk of it to shake loose & shoot to the surface, like an erupting volcano, possible accompanied by overwhelming panic.

PAY ATTENTION• We can counter Denial & Suppression by carefully paying attention to what we see & hear every day in the present.  People tell us about themselves all the time, which we would pick up if we were allowed to listen to our intuition & intelligence. Repeatedly ignoring what’s in front of us is wounding to our sanity & our soul!

In recovery – once we become aware of abusive patterns we will notice them everywhere – in songs, movies, our family & friends, at work….
The opposite of Denial is ‘Being in the now’, or ‘Mindfulness’, making it easier TO:
♡ notice of what we’re needing, wanting, responding to, feeling – every day…. AND
♡ keep us awake to who others are, how they act, what they’re saying…. & how we feel when we’re with them.

NEXT: Dealing with Abusers #1

DELIBERATE Abuse or Not? (Part 1)

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I’M SO CONFUSED!
Are they good, bad or evil? 

PREVIOUS: Indirect abusers #2

Review post series:
▪︎  “Noticing painful Events” ….

▪︎  Double Messages and Double Binds)

 

DELIBERATE Abuse or NOT?
Most ACoAs assume that if our parents / lovers… don’t mean to hurt us, &/or can’t help themselves because of their damage, then their behavior can be overlooked.
So – as adults – we shouldn’t call them on it, don’t have to ‘protect’ ourself & we should never get upset with them. After all “it’s not their fault – “They did the best they could…..”.

This is our self-destructive attitude – & takes a toll on our psyche that’s too high a price to pay for staying connected, just to stave off our guilt & loneliness. ACoAs are famous for white-washing abusers, especially parents. We believe that acknowledging what the Ps have done would be disloyal to the family system (or marriage, friendship, boss….), & would cause a rift we think we couldn’t bear. AND yes, for some of us, punishment from those Ps for hearing the Truth can feel like too much for our WIC.

CATEGORIES of Perpetrators (Ps)
a. Overt  – ‘easiest’ to see
• Sometimes a parent will blatantly admit they’re ‘not nice’, don’t care, didn’t love us & never will – “I didn’t want kids in the first place”.
‘The Family Way’ episode of BBC’s “Doc Martin”(12/05), is so very clear – when his estranged parents visit him & the truth comes out!

Some part of us already knew it & it’s excruciating to admit, but hearing it out loud makes it real, eliminating illusion & a hope for the impossible. Of course we have to be willing to work with this info to recover, & not everyone is able or ready. (ARTICLE :“My parents say I’m ugly and wish they’d never had me” )

Also, any type of physical  abuse is horrifying, but simpler to acknowledge, because the injuries are easy to identify, even getting outside validation (as opposed to the other types). Our suffering & our rage is no less intense, which has to be cleaned out, but at least it’s tangible.

• As adults we’ve gotten involved with outright skunks, people who from the beginning were obviously unsafe – unreliable, insensitive, active addicts, under-earning…… They may say : “You knew what I was like / I told you what to expect – or not / I said I wasn’t into relationships” ….

The main problem in facing this kind of abuse is our denial – not the P’s. It was our unwillingness to believe what they were saying, which let us get involved in the first place, because their ‘style’ was so familiar! We didn’t cause the abuse but we sure stayed for it.
😱 These kinds of Ps cause just as much emotionally pain as any other, but the least mentally confusing for us, because if cornered, they’re capable of admitting what they’ve done – although not willingly & without any remorse!. We can heal faster because it’s not mentally crazy-making.  Once we’ve raged & mourned, we can move on.

b. Sneaky (much harder)
• It’s really tough to identify the source of our damage when our family (mates, friends…) profess to love us, but mistreat us much of the time anyway. This can apply to being put-down, manipulated, over-controlled, gaslighted….
As adults it can also be in the form of sexual coercion, or any shade of previous child sexual abuse, especially when you were singled out as a ‘favorite’ (“You’re mysneaky bad special girl”….), & told to keep it a secret. (Indirect Abusers – Part 2)

• They may say they love us (& we believe them) BUT we feel like crap when we’re with them – exhausted, scared, miserable, angry, bored – yet can’t put our finger on why, since nothing seems obviously wrong.
Then after spending time or even just texting / talking with them – sometimes for days or weeks we’re depressed & can’t get back to our life. Naturally ACoAs figure it must be us, right? NO!!
Your body & emotions are clearly telling you that something’s ‘rotten in Denmark’ – & your name isn’t Denmark!

SITE: “TRAUMA HEALING for Your Mind, Body & Soul” with Bible verses

NEXT: Deliberate… #2

INDIRECT Abusers (Part 1)

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  …. BUT HE’S SO NICE TO ME –
the rest of the time!

PREVIOUS: Direct abusers

RESOURCE:
Dr Irene’s great Verbal Abuse & Recovery site

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

COVERT ABUSE  (CA) – Emotional, Mental & Spiritual
• Emotional abuse is one of the most under-reported stressors in the US today. Blatant emotional cruelty may be noticed by others, & definitely felt by the Victim (V) – even if they ignore or excuse it.
The indirect type is consistently administered in small doses, ways the abuser uses so it’ll be easily overlooked, as it gets woven into the fabric of the relationship.
In China this is a form of torture called Lingchi =”Death by a thousand cuts“.

Typically, the V. will say : “It’s not all bad, You don’t know him the way I do. I know she loves me. When something goes wrong it’s really my fault. He didn’t meant it. She’s just under a lot of pressure. I don’t want to miss out on the good things we have together. He needs me. It’s only because she’s in pain” ….

• Sneaky Perpetrators (P) are also full of S-H & FoA, but they hide it better than Vs.  They also think they’re unique, so different from others that they don’t have to follow the same rules as everyone else. Yet they actually have a lot in common with all other Ps, sharing similar thinking & behavior patterns.

While they may never lift a finger to physically injure anyone, the psychological damage they do to others, with it’s long-term scars, are much harder to heal.
Victims are threatened & terrorized emotionally when they try to object to how they’re being treated. A major result is that they don’t believe they have a right to identify themselves as Vs, or to admit their mate, adult-child, friend, relative, boss….is actually abusive.

• TO outsiders, sneaky emotional abusers (E.A.s) don’t stand out – they usually present themselves as decent, successful, calm. They have a talent for creating a public image that contradicts how they are behind closed doors. They use public venues to have an adoring audience & as an outlet for their ‘better’ qualities (at work, church, politics….) —covert abusers
— but will take out their emotional sickness on those who are closest, most vulnerable & most dependent on them. In general, Ps needs a safe place to let their dirty hair down where no one will judge them, hold them accountable, object or leave!
TO their families, they’re often childish, controlling, self-absorbed, cheap, hypercritical, compulsive, & mean-spirited. What’s so confusing is that this type of abuser is actually BOTH. But the abusive side always wins out in private.

• Covert Abusers are passive-aggressive, which means they show their anger (aggression) sideways (passively) by withholding information, deliberately stalling, being stubborn, sulking, and/or not trying their best. They ignore reasonable requests to put in a reasonable amount of effort into their closest relationships. They pick partners who are push-overs with low self-esteem, who find it easy to make excuses for the other person’s terrible behavior.

EXP: Ps will make you choose an action that affects you both (dinner, movie, trip….) & then blame you because they didn’t like it or it didn’t work out. They also may deny that you asked them for their opinion or input in the first place, accusing you of being controlling. You’ve been set up! Altering another’s reality is abuse.

FORMS of Cover Abuse
Brainwash: using systematic & often forcible pressure, they coerce someone into adopting radically different beliefs from their own
Crazy-making: throwing someone mentally or emotionally off-balance, making them easier to control (so they don’t trust their own thoughts)
Divert / Evade : change any “undesirable” topic to something irrelevant, illogical or crazy
AND
Gaslight: psychologically manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity (not trust their own memory or observations )
Grooming: prepare or train someone to become submissive for a particular purpose or activity, by first being overly-attentive
Guilt-tripping : shift blame, act sincere then retaliate with silence, word twisting & circular conversations
Playing the Victim : act like they’ve being injured by any request for communication or appropriate responsibility  (MORE…)

NEXT: INDIRECT Abusers (Part 2)

DIRECT ABUSERS

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THEY ALWAYS SCARED ME – now I can’t say how I really feel

PREVIOUS: What is abuse #4

SITE: Characteristics of Abusers

QUOTE: “Social anxiety results from being around people who are resolutely opposed to who you are.” ✍︎ Stefan Molyneux (Freedomain Radio)

OVERT ABUSE
(Perps = Perpetrators, Abusers / Vs = Victims)
• The visible form of overt abuse – physical violence – is easiest to identify. But Vs are usually too broken & ashamed to acknowledge what they’re enduring : “I walked into a door, I accidentally fell , It’s nothing, they didn’t mean it”…..

However, there are other direct ways that only the V experiences (list below). Cover-ups are used by all types of Vs : TOWARD single women, financially dependent mothers, children, the elderly, and abused men – to not show weakness. Shame silences.

• All blatant abuse is done with no concern for the physical or mental well-being of the victim. Even ‘loved ones’ have no real or separate existence – the V is just an extension of the Perp’s internal world, experienced as part of themself, like one of their own limbs. Narcissistic mother to child:  “Put a sweater on, I’m cold!”

👺 Most Perps totally believe they have a right to control, put down, manipulate. They consider it legitimate to exert power over others, and that weak people deserve to be put in their place – because weakness is to be despised. By extension any weakness in themself has to be eradicated!  Besides, they say Vs are ‘asking for it’ by being pathetic. So there’s no reason for the P to change!

IRONY: Abusers believe & act as if they’re the god of their personal world – to be obeyed & worshiped. YET they’re totally dependent on others for their sense of equilibrium & well-being!

IF they loses power over others, it can feel like they’re losing control of a limb, even their mind. Their insecurity-driven anxiety will trigger violence, intense manipulations & frantic attacks, in an effort to shore up the endangered False Self & force the V. back into alignment.
BECAUSE:
• the independence or disobedience of a significant other radically diminish the Perp’s identity & supply of psychic nourishment
• it forces the P to experience not being the center of everything, while not realizing their world view is way ‘off’
• they lose the sense of control over their inner world (thoughts, feelings….), which they find intolerable

CONFUSED Victims often say “I just don’t understand why they…” OR obsessively repeat: “Why are they doing this? What did I do wrong?”….

➼ Vs are not asking for self-knowledge, nor compassion for the P. Rather, it’s their WIC’s need to placate the monster they’re not allowed to leave.
Traumatized ACoAs believe that – “If I could only figure out exactly why they’re acting this way, then I can change myself, them or the situation (mainly myself), then things will get much better & we’ll all be happy!”

BEHAVIORS  (see also  “TRAITS” )
• Degradation: make the cost of resisting seem more dangerous to the V’s self-esteem than giving in. Reduces them to “animal level” concerns
• Enforce Trivial Demands: create the habit of giving in (compliance)
• Induced Debility & Exhaustion: weaken mental & physical ability to resist
• Isolation : eliminate all social support which would help the V. to resist. Create in the V. an intense concern for & dependence on the P
THEY:
• Monopolize Perception : focus the V’s attention on some immediate problem, forming a narrowed vision of reality.  Eliminate any input competing with those chosen by the abuser, preventing the V. from taking any opposing actions
• ‘Omnipotence‘: make it clear it’s impossible to resist being abused & dominated
🖤 Use Occasional Indulgences: The P provides ‘positive’ motivation for the V’s continued compliance (payoffs for obeying), but keeps the V starving with crumbs to keep them quiet & coming back for more
• Threats: Cultivate fear, anxiety & despair
(from Dr. Judith Biderman, MORE...)

NOTE:  At the end of “The Sopranos’, the therapist fires Tony after reading a -genuine – study by Samuel Yochelson & Stanton Samenow, psychiatrists specializing in the criminal mind. It reports that therapy doesn’t actually help sociopaths – only further enables their bad behavior by sharpening their manipulative skills.

NEXT: Indirect Abusers, #1

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

YOU NEVER ADMIT
what’s really going on!

PREVIOUS: What is E. A.? (#2)

SEE ACRONYM Page for abbrev.


P. = Perpetrator / V. = Victim
TYPES of EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.) 

ASSERTIVE = standing up for ones rights without intent to harm.
Statements we may have heard growing up
VS
AGGRESSIVE  = deliberately trying to hurt someone, at any level (PMES). The receiver of the aggression may not be the actual target, like kicking the dog when you’re mad at your boss

EMOTIONALLY HARMFUL statements we may have heard growing up ALSO, they tell outright lies about us, and love to recount to everyone -sensitive, shameful or embarrassing stories about us
Naturally, this list is only a fraction of what damaging family & other adults are capable of – a guide to help us think about what we may still be ignoring from the past OR still putting up with, maybe without realizing. (Journaling POSTS – “Writing for Personal Growth“)

TYPES of EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)
✔️ Direct & obvious
Perps usually have an angry, attacking attitude. THEY :
• make you one-down to them by judging & invalidating you, undermining the equality & autonomy essential for healthy adult relationships
• use accusations, blaming, labeling, name-calling, ordering around
• use one-up parent-to-child communications, infantilizing you

✔️ Dominating
INDIRECT -They
• railroad discussions, talk over you, won’t give you room to respond…. so you don’t have time to identify what’s wrong with what they’re saying or doing
• if verbally clever, they’ll make their point seem perfectly logical even though they’re twisting everything in their favor, using CDs
DIRECT – They
• give away or throw your things out without discussion or permission
• smash, throw, deface or cut up personal or household items
• want to control your every action, to have their own way – and will resort to threats & verbal attacks to get it

✔️ Emotional Blackmail – they
scared• draw you in by being nice, then unpredictably say something cruel, or push you away, act disgusted
• play on your compassion, values, guilt, shame, limitations or other “hot buttons” to get what they want
• threaten to end the relationship, to totally reject or abandon you, ignore or use other fear tactics, unless you give in

✔️ Indirect – they
• are often disguised as “helping”- BUT it’s actually criticizing – ‘fixing you’, giving unsolicited advise, analyzing you, questioning your tastes & decisions
•  use the implied judgmental tone of “I know best” – to belittle, control, or demean, rather than support your growth & development

✔️ Threaten
• to leave, any time they don’t like something – but doesn’t go
• to take the kids, the car, the house…  • to stop paying for important necessities  • to get you fired  &/or ruin you reputation using lies
• to hit or do other harm (your kids), but don’t follow thru
• to commit suicide (& it will be your fault), but never do

✔️ Verbal assaults – theyScreen Shot 2015-07-15 at 2.51.42 PM
• berate, belittle, criticize, name call
• blow your flaws out of proportion, harping on them
• constantly blame, use sarcasm & humiliation
• make fun of you, any time, & in front of others
• scream, threaten you physically

NEXT: EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 4)

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

CRUELTY COMES IN MANY FORMS –
& they all hurt my feelings!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Abuse (Part 1)

SITE: Types of Emotional Abuse 


EMOTIONAL REACTIONS to Emotional Abuse (E.A.)
✶ The most important thing to remember is that ALL categories of abuse cause emotional damage. We need  to notice how those actions or words make us feel emotionally – as in – NOT happy!

UNDER – No matter how much head knowledge we have about our issues, without doing deeper FoO work many ACoAs have a hard time even recognizing familiar abuses as they’re happening, much less feel an emotional sting. If we’re still numb from old pain & lack of self-care, it’s very hard to connect depression & S-H with being exposed to E.A.

• It’s as if we were wearing that huge white medical collar that vets sometimes put on dogs/cats – we can see over the top, but not the knife in someone’s hand as they stick it in our gut – especially if they’re smiling!
We may feel some pain, but don’t understand that it’s truly coming from outside of ourself. As trained victims from childhood, we always assume that – if we’re hurting – it a sure sign there’s something wrong with us. NOT SO!

OVER – When we do over-react emotionally to a person or event, the tricky part is being able to over-reactseparate what just happened in the present from the accumulated suffering of past abuse. Often it IS a combination of the two, in layers – like when someone’s only ‘stepped on your toe’

Instead, it feels like the foot has been cut off & we’re left bleeding, because of all the times our family did the same thing to us.
Whenever we have an intense reaction we know “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”. We need to validate our fear, outrage, sadness…. while still staying in the present moment & seeing reality.
SO,  we can:
• double check** if something was actually an abusive situation – or are we reading into it (projection) because it’s so similar from the past.
⚙︎ ASK: “Did this current event call for such an intense reaction?
Do I feel like I’m being stomped on, discarded like garbage or my life is being threatened – when all someone did was not text immediately back, looked at me ‘funny’’, not said hello, told me what to do…..

** ‘Checking’ may include asking someone we trust for an evaluation of the event, or going back to the original person & asking what they meant by ___?, or why they did ____?.
Whether they tell us the truth or not, many times their answer will be surprising – it’s not what we thought they meant, because it had nothing to do with us.  So we could not have guessed what they actually meant!  It’s important to ask.
work abuseWe can also:
• identify unpleasant or inappropriate words & actions that did actually happen, instead of ignoring the event or how we feel. They weren’t just in our imagination.
For some ACoAs this may take outside validation too, including comparing lists of ‘My Rights’ against Abusive Behaviors.

✶ All Over & Under-reactions come from our WIC or PP. Appropriate responses (not reactions) come from our UNIT.
Learning to tell the difference between actual abuse & our projections or paranoia comes from internalizing the healing of Recovery work + accumulated information about present-day reality + validating our feelings & experiences – via meetings, reading, healers & therapists.

UNPREDICTABILITY
a. Their Reactions
• Perps have drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts –
✓ with unpredictable, irrational changes in reaction to you or your normal behaviors
✓ who will say one thing one day & the opposite the next, &
✓ will like what you do one day & hate it the next…
SO: mood swings
• being maddeningly inconsistent, you never know what’s expected of you
• you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop
• you have to stay hyper-vigilant so you know when to ‘duck’

b. Constant Chaos – THEY
• are ‘addicted to drama’ causing endless upheaval for everyone
• change plans or ‘rules’ at the last minute, without informing you
• keep you off-balance, never knowing what’s real or ‘safe’, so they have all the power
• often start arguments, disagreements, create conflicts
• make promises you depend on, but rarely follow thru

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 3)

What is EMOTIONAL Abuse? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I’M ALWAYS DRAINED or ANNOYED
after being with that person!

PREVIOUS: Grandiosity vs Normal

BOOK: “Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

REVIEW posts on Emotions


EMOTIONAL ABUSE (E.A.)
How others treat us is about them (their damage or health).
AND –  How we react to others is about us (our wounds or Recovery!)

“Emotional abuse is the foundation of all other types. It’s the most damaging part of physical, sexual, mental….(PMES) trauma done to our heart & soul, the way we were betrayed by the people we love & trust.  It’s is a devastating, debilitating mutilation of our essence – the deepest lasting wound of any abuse .” (MORE….)
“Co-dependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls” ~ Robert Burney

• E.A. is also sometimes referred to as Psychological or Mental Abuse, divided into Verbal Aggression, Dominant and Jealous Behaviors – by the “Conflict Tactics Scale”.
Unlike sexual or physical mistreatment, which can cause lasting trauma with only one event, E.A. comes from repeated exposure. E.A. is :
— anything that causes fear by intimidation (US Justice Dept)
pulling hair— motivated by urges for “power & dyscontrol”** (Health Canada)

**Dyscontrol : “A pattern of abnormal, episodic or frequently uncontrollable social behavior, of repeated acts of violent aggression in an otherwise normal person, markedly out of proportion to events that provoked it, which are caused by brain disorders OR substance abuse”

E.A. comes in many guises, obvious or subtle. It’s violence experienced in any relationship which is just as damaging as physical assaults, if not more so, because it goes to the core of who we are as human beings. (Wikipedia)
Many emotional abusers operate under the guise of “teaching, advising, correcting, and/or guiding”, & therefore fly under the radar, spreading their poison year after year.

“Emotional violence is another kind of abuse … not about words, because Perpetrators don’t always resort to using the verbal club, but rather an untraceable poison……
They may in fact, speak very kind words to you, and so – to everyone else – will seem nothing but supportive.  Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time.  So the impact is gradual, not immediately visible.”
~ from “THIS IS HOW” Augusten Burroughs
NOTICING 
E.A. can be very difficult to identify because:
a. very often there are no outward signs, such as physical scars or broken bones – ‘only’ breaking of the spirit!
It includes the use of coercion, insults, neglect, threats …. to control another person, who loses (or never gains) self-esteem & the freedom to grow.
Victims of E.A. blame themself for the mistreatment, & their S-H makes them cling to perpetrator, staying because they believe they have nowhere else to go, & no one else will want them.

b. it’s so common in our culture that we don’t consider it a problem. Alice Miller’s “For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child Rearing & the Roots of Violence” (1980) describes this issue. Read Review .
And her “Banished Knowledge” book is about how we’re taught from early on to ignore being treated badly (T.) & how that feels (E.) Read Review.   People who are emotionally hurtful are everywhere, & are usually oblivious to the effect they have on their Victim(s).

Perpetrators (P)  includes people who:
• don’t consider our personality when interacting to us (only their own)
• make a judgmental or belittling comment to us in front of others
• only talk & think about themself (no room for us)
• tease us using things they know we’re sensitive about
• tell us what to do, how to think, how to feel
• try to make us take care of them, make us feel guilty, act needy…..
• try to fix us with action-suggestions, when we only need an ear & empathy

ALSO, the people around the P’s target often validate pubic humiliation & thoughtless or cruel remarks by laughing, as if the mean comment was clever & amusing. It’s a way to cheer the perpetrator on – long as it’s not being done to them! This can come from siblings, school mates, co-workers, club members…
When we are the target – we feel terribly alone, hurt & angry.

NEXT: Emotional Abuse (Part 2)

GRANDIOSITY and ‘NORMAL’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I CAN HANDLE EVERYTHING –
I’m not weak or wounded!

PREVIOUS: Victim or not? #2

Review posts: “Rescuing”  //  “Process“


DISTORTED  COPING  (P = Perp / V = Victim)
As long as ACoAs have trouble facing the trauma of being a Victim IN childhood, we can’t outgrow that state -because it lives in our WIC & keeps getting acted out all over our life.  Another ‘backwards’ ACoA pattern :
while we do many destructive victim-y things to ourself & let others do them to us, we also are masters at trying to cover up the inner wounds, the same way battered people try to hide broken bones & external bruising.

1. NORMAL
a. Normal can mean what is average for any location or situation, but may be positive or negative & is never absolute
EXP– It’s the norm for :
▫️people in a bar to drink a lot
▫️men in prison to be raped
▫️children of addicts to be scarred
OR It’s the norm for :
▫️country air to be healthier than city air
▫️money to make life easier
▫️great teachers to produce some excellent students.

b. Normal can also mean anything that is the opposite of unhealthy, & is only positive.  NORMAL is being:
▫️a whole human being, by taking care of ourself
▫️part of a community & helping others
▫️happy & productive, with satisfying relationships
Normal is for Love to heal broken hearts & minds…..

✶ ACoAs desperately want to be ‘normal’, as in ‘b’, while not wanting to admit being damaged / wounded (NOT defective), with all it’s weaknesses, so not having to do the hard work of Recovery to become healthy.  This false-normal is a facade to cover our lack of self-esteem & to quiet the bad voice (the PP), rather than being genuinely OK at our core.
normalMany of us don’t want to ask for any kind of help, or be in groups that focus on healing, because “They’re all crazy & I’m not like them!”  But Al-anon reminds us that “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”  It’s one thing to feel empowered & be able to face life’s difficulties with equanimity & guts. It’s another to over-compensate for our un-acknowledged & unhealed history with grandiosity.

EXP: Trish was never taken care of as a child, even in basic ways, & was eventually left by her weak father to take care of her violent, mentally ill mother. In spite of not having any self-esteem or knowledge about self-care, in her early 20’s her talent as a performer got her periodic jobs in small venues.

One day she found out she was pregnant, but wasn’t ready for motherhood & scheduled an abortion – for the same day that she had a gig in a local mountain club. She went to the doctor in the am – alone, & that afternoon drove up to the resort to sing – still alone & in pain.
It never occurred to her to have the operation on a different day, to have someone go with her, or that there was anything amiss about combining the 2 events – until pointed out to her by a therapist 20 yrs later. To her it was all normal !

2. GRANDIOSITY – at its simplest, it’s how a person sees themself as bigger, better, more capable than they really are. It often leads to putting oneself in jeopardy, as big as extreme physical activities, taking unprotected financial or sexual risks, or as ‘small’ as always crossing the street just as the cars start moving forward, smoking for years….
They act as if they’re invincible, magically untouched by the laws of nature or common sense.
BTW : ‘Normal’ grandiosity does include the person having a degree of insight into their overblown ideas – aware their behavior is unusual or unrealistic – just not crazy. But those with grandiose delusions lack this capability for reality-testing.

MAIN CHARACTERISTICS
IRONY: It’s typical of many ACoAs, using it as defense to hide intense unworthiness. Gs:
1. believe they don’t need other people
2. don’t recognize normal human limitations, nor their own
3. exaggerate talents, capacity & achievements, are boastful or pretentious
4. feel unique, special or superior, compared to others. May not admit it even to themself, because it’s not part of S-H
Gs :
5. live in grand fantasies, without taking realistic actions
6. look down on others who won’t take the same chances – as weak or cowardly
7. generally criticize, nit-pick & downgrade other people’s projects, achievements, ideas & dreams – as ‘small’

IMP: Grandiosity hurts ourself AND is abusive to others

NEXT: Grandiosity #2