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SITE: “Anger Disorder”
22• “Our Righteous Anger Addiction”

NOTE : Click “Acronyms”on Homepage for abbrev.

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)

▪️“RIGHTEOUS”/ Moral anger
a. ARROGANT – Those of us who believe we’re always correct – both for ourselves & for everyone else. This leads us to think we have the absolute ‘right’ to insist that others follow a set of rules – that are in our head.
When specific people or groups/ institutions break those rules, we get very angry. What we object to may in fact be unhealthy, but not always. Such ‘offenders’ are considered bad, evil, wicked, sinful – who need to be scolded, punished, & then taught the correct way to think & act. We rant at them or about them – with friends, on social media, even sometimes with physical violence

• It gives us a sense of superiority because we’re convinced our anger is for a good cause – like unhealthy Enneagram #1s – we’re trying to ‘clean up the world’. We don’t see that our world-view is rigid & narrow, assuming everyone is or should be just like us (narcissism), & that others have their own values & moral codes, not like ours.

When our behavior is questioned or objected to – we don’t feel guilty, but arrogantly justify it.  When someone points out our unfair harshness, we get very angry. Even if the objector apologizes & backs down right away, (although they were correct), Righteous types enjoy humiliating them for their ‘moral ignorance or laxity’ & continue attacking the worlds’ wrong-doers.

b. LEGITIMATE – In religious terms, Righteous anger means responding in accordance with Divine / Spiritual or moral law. This can prompt an understandable attitude & action from an outraged sense of justice or morality, free from guilt or a sin-label.
▫️ More generally, ‘Righteous Indignation’ focuses on the ‘Higher or Greater good’ rather than based on self-centered motives. It comes from a sincerely desire to make the world a better place for everyone – not just ourself.

We see the injustice & evil around us & are inspired to fight for something beyond our own experiences. Whether it’s for a loved one or a strangers in dire circumstance being unfairly treated or abused, it’s natural to feel angry, & healthy anger can fuel effective action

▫️ This anger is a reaction to actual abuse of power (something that’s unjust, mean or unworthy), not to something that’s personally inconvenient, a violation of social tradition, our paranoia or hobby-horse (favorite annoyance we keep going on about)
▫️ It is part of a group of healthy qualities – such as self-control, unwillingness to do harm, good boundaries, genuine care for the welfare of others, altruism….. (minus arrogance, self-pity, hopelessness….)

▪️SELF-SACRIFICE anger
When we sacrifice our time, money, dignity, needs, dreams…. for another, AND there is no acknowledgment or appreciation, & maybe with no end in sight – anger is inevitable. Whether our sacrifice:
• is by choice, as in being a parent or elder care-taker, OR
• from co-dependence, as in trying to always please others & only getting ‘crumbs’, OR
• because of social / political / religious reasons, out of our control —-> anger is inevitable….
How we ‘understand’ & process that anger is what makes the difference as to how we stifle or proceed with our life.
“STOP the Self-Sacrifice” // “Anger & maternal sacrifice“

▪️SHAME-BASED anger
This is typical of people who need a lot of attention but never get enough. THEY:
• compulsively try to cover-up their imperfections with perfectionism, & inevitably fail to live up to their impossible standard
• are afraid to admit & express ‘weak’ emotions (loneliness, sorrow, fear….)
• are overly sensitive to criticism, even when it’s in the form of helpful suggestions
• project their S-H on to everyone else (‘No one likes me’….)
• are unable to live up to their responsibilities (family man out of work, sickly mother….)

Shame-anger comes from the WIC thinking that whenever others hurt us we’ll feel better if we lash back with ridicule, blame, criticism…. Naturally this will always backfire, our outbursts & loss of control pushing even loved ones away, making us feel even more inadequate & ashamed.
(“What is SHAME” post // The Shame-Rage connection)

NEXT: Categories #14

I LOVE MY ANGER –
it’s all about ME!

PREVIOUS : Anger Categories (#9)

BOOK: “Recovery from Anger Addiction”  ~~ Verryl V Fosnight

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️NARCISSISTIC (N) anger
The main N. trait is assuming everything is about them. They’ve created a complex protective facade needed to hide inner woundedness, even from themselves. The most severe Ns desperately need to protect this False Self, & can not tolerate anyone who does or says anything to weaken or expose their facade. Everyone must contribute to bolstering the cocoon they’re wrapped in – & woe unto anyone who doesn’t.

While Ns act like they’re confident & always know what they want, the defensive False Persona is in fact very vulnerable – covering deep anxiety from an unsafe childhood. Any threat to their image will bring up their rage, IRONY :  they’re also resentful & shamed of being dependent on others for the ‘food & fuel’ to maintain that False Self.

They’re caught between the frustration of an all-consuming reliance on others for adulation, AND any perceived lack of subservience from their ‘subjects’, which makes them prone to outbursts. When they don’t get what they want they’ll either attack or cut the ‘robel’  out of their life – with no explanation. (MORE….)

This kind of rage can be seen in many ways:
☁︎ As Cruelty – putting others down to protect themself, achieving a goal at another’s expense, taking credit for other people’s ideas or work, demanding their own rights while violating those of others

😎 As Grandiosity – showing off, being mistrustful, not delegating, being a sore loser, always wanting center stage, talking over people’s heads….
👤 As Selfishness – only considering their own wants & needs, not responding to requests for help, not listening, **when ‘giving’ it’s only what they want or like to give, never considering what the other person actually needs (**See all posts re. Narcissism -2021)

▪️OVERWHELMED anger
It surfaces when life’s demands are too much for us, so all emotional responses are more easily triggered. We can’t take any more – our plate is overflowing & we have no more reserves of patience or coping energy. This anger is an unsuccessful response to the alternative of giving up, as in ‘learned helplessness’

It’s used to relieve stress, often by shouting & fighting. It can be caused either by:
▫️ a finite situation, like having a tight deadline, while having lots of other time-sensitive, important things to do as well, OR
▫️ life in general, like trying to find a job while many bills are due + caring for a sick loved one + struggling to raise children alone….

▪️REACTIVE anger
We are born with our own specific set of personality traits, such as : level of activity, distractibility, persistence, mood consistency, flexibility to change, intensity of reaction to + & – stimuli & nervousness level.
The last 3 – in their negation form – relate to how reactive we are to our experiences. (See Posts: re how to respond : “What Just Happened?“)

If we’ve inherited brain-wired traits of rigidity, nervousness &/or over-sensitivity PLUS a difficult childhood, we end up more easily triggered by stress-events. Then to protect ourselves, we develop the need to control our environment – not seeing that the reaction comes from inside ourselves

• Reactors are more likely to feel insulted or treated unfairly. When something happens that brings up their anger, they’d rather push back right away rather than soothe away their hurt or deal with the issue in a reasonable way.
The automatic assumption is always that —> other people’s behavior causes their anger, so they want to get control back as soon as possible, to get relief.
AND – this pattern can become so ingrained & automatic, that it will even show up in neutral situations!

So there can be a lot of yelling, throwing things, slamming of doors, insults….which gets reinforced because in the short-term it usually lets this angry type get their way.
But what’s gained in immediate gratification is lost in long-term respect – being seen as volatile, harsh, & undesirable.

NEXT: Anger Categories #10

PREVIOUS: Categories #5

SITE: “Anger May Stem from Alcohol and Other Drugs”

OTHER Anger-EXPRESSIONS (cont)
▪️DEFENSIVE anger
DIRECT cause: When we’re suddenly attacked, a primitive reaction is triggered of either fight / anger (need to be quick & hit hard) OR flight / fear (need speed & agility), with a boost of adrenaline giving power to muscles. When cornered, running away or giving in is usually judged by others as cowardly, so the initial fear reaction often turns in to anger, & the defensive person becomes the attacker.

EXP: If Joe uses aggressive anger on a colleague & Sam reacts with defensive anger, a loud argument is inevitable. Then if Sam switches to attacking Joe as a way to distract or get back at him, we get a see-saw effect, where the back-&-forthing becomes personal & the original point of the dispute may be completely lost

INDIRECT cause: On the other hand, wounded people who grew up being accused wrongly, made fun of, bullied…. tend to be automatically defensive, as a matter of course.
Defensiveness (verbal or physical fists in the air) is used when feeling attacked – whether intended by someone or not – & comes from not being internally safe.
It means we don’t experience the environment as benign, & therefore react, as WHEN :
• we feel compelled to protect our ego by justifying ourselves, as a way to push away feeling of guilt, insecurity, shame, or the fear that we really are wrong
• we take offense – too easily, too often – using anger to protect a ‘precious’ sensitive subject we have a vested interest in (a favorite person, prejudice or project….)
WHEN
• a button gets pushed (an unhealed old wound), such as being accused wrongly, ignored or made fun of, delays, frustration, unfairness….
• we react to all communications as potentially ‘dangerous’ to our well-being (a bit of paranoia)

BTW: There is a climate of entitlement among many young people today, which is assumed to represent self-esteem – but is not.
Some research on self-regulation suggests that under conditions of ego threat, people with a high sense of self-esteem – that’s actually narcissistic – may not be able to suspend their illusion of being great to make accurate self-evaluations.
An article by Fung Ming Chan notes that.there are two variations of high self-esteem:
— one that is pure self-worth, which is not inflated or unrealistic, vs.
—  the type that includes defensive responses in an unrealistically self-favorable way.  It’s this defensiveness that causes negative behaviors.
(from “Understanding Negative Consequences of High Self-Esteem: The Role of Defensiveness.” ~~ Kathleen Hoffman & Traci Mann)

▪️DOUBLE-BIND anger
DEF: DBs are created by trying to force you to obey or accept 2 opposing messages at the same time. You can’t object & you’ll be punished for whichever one you can’t ‘do’, so either choice will be the wrong one, causing loss & pain. Trapped between Scylla & Charybdis.      (Posts:  D.Messages  // D.Binds)

• Anger used to create a DB
Ambivalent Sexism : When women have to choose between being liked but not respected, or being respected but not liked.
EXP: Workplace displays of anger raise the status of men BUT lower that of women

• Anger from being put in a DB
The Person in a DB is trapped & as long as they try to please the Sender. They end up paralyzed, because there is no resolution (except to get out). This no-win position inevitably causes frustration, anger, & eventually helpless rage. (Women & Anger – D. Bind)

• Anger as Sarcasm
 CA anger-coach Cosmin Gheorghe writes:  “Sarcasm, in its most complex forms, creates a psychological double bind & psychological tension. What matters the most is the meaning, the meta-communication that occurs beyond the verbal. The fine line between humor & offensive communication creates a sort of adrenaline rush. Depending on circumstances, this tension will be released either as anger/ aggression, verbal relief or relaxation.” (MORE….. excellent info)

NEXT : Categories #7