PREVIOUS : ACoAs an Ns (#2)

SITEs: NPD Statistics

💔 “Understanding Fear of Abandonment”  (+ the signs)

ADULT narcissism is a failed attempt to make up for what we never got as kids, by trying to force the world into a carbon copy of ourselves – or of what we want it to be – with no genuine regard for others as separate being with their own specific personality (not ours) & their own back story.

💔 IMPLICIT in all ACoA narcissism is our intense, all encompassing FoA – Fear of Abandonment. So, whichever Toxic Role we ‘favor’, the underlying motivation for all unhealthy behavior is FoA. This fear causes ACoAs to never feel safe anywhere or with anyone, UNTIL we apply daily self care in whatever PMES ways are possible, to heal ODAT, (scroll to paragraph 2….) & when necessary – OMAT = one minute….
(41 Clingy girlfriend cartoons)

Other Signs of ACoA Narcissism
✘ Childish grandiosity: insist we can change / fix / heal a loved one, as if we have god-like powers. This is never possible, & even more so when the other person has made it clear they’re not interested in changing, although we beg, cajole or demand it of them. (POST…..)
OR:
“I want to do that, so I will” (visit a dangerous location, ride a moped without a license, swim alone in the ocean, date a married man……), even though we don’t actually know how, or have no idea of the possible negative consequences to ourself & others

✘ Clinging : specifically to someone who is no longer interested in continuing a friendship or love relationship, OR keeping up a fantasy connection with someone who was never with us in the first place.
This is N on your part because you think your needs are the only ones that count

✘ Codependence : using other people to tell us who we are & how to behave, instead of finding the True Self were were born to be

✘ People-pleasing : the motivation is completely selfish – doing or ‘being’ what we think others want of us but not for their benefit.
We’re trying to control others to prevent them from abandoning us, as if it’s their job to be there for us (it’s not), & as if we’re still an infant or mentally retarded (we’re not)!

✘ Rescuing : trying to do for others what they can or should be doing for themselves – not from generosity but to make us feel important, feel needed, not alone…. & is actually arrogant & presumptuous.
(Post : “Healthy Helping“)

✴︎ Overvalue, then Undervalue (re. thoughts) : we imagine that someone we’re around is wonderful (all good), attributing qualities to them we wish for. As soon as we test them & they fall short of our ideal, we trash them – making them all bad.

✘ Unrealistic expectations (re. actions) :  Over or under, we expect everyone to behave in a logical, appropriate, rational way, no matter who they actually are. We’re making them up to suit our own needs or fears. The expectations have nothing to do with who the other person actually is.

✘ Victim role : While we truly were victims as children, we have options now we never did in the past. This includes isolating (not introversion), which comes from : Fear of abandonment, Lack of personal boundaries, Obeying Toxic Family Rules & Self-hate.

Continuing the pattern of deprivation in many parts of our life is a self-destructive, rebellious way we keep hoping for someone to magically come & rescue us from having to take care of ourselves.
It’s also a way of depriving the world of our natural talents & help.

🌈 RECOVERY from our narcissism comes from continually providing the WIC with all the care & love we never got as kids, so we can connect with others without an ulterior motive.

NOTE: The next 6 posts are a break in the current Narc series, to be resumed mid-June.

NEXT: BEING LOVED (Part 1)

PREVIOUS : ACoAs as Ns (#1)

SITE: ACoNs – Surviving the N. Parent (Adult-children of Ns)

REMINDER : The goal of Recovery is to teach our mind that choice is always a possibility. It’s only when we refuse to think outside the box that our parents, abusive partners, bosses & ‘friends’ will be able to keep us in the Victim Role. Not being willing to consider new & better options (no matter how scary) keeps us from moving forward in our life.

“Small ns” = These versions of N expressions & behavior may be lesser evils, not as deeply harmful, but are emotionally abandoning, even in the best of cases.
NOTE : To be actual small-ns, comments or actions usually refer to 2 or more people who know each other, & usually for a long time. When dealing with rare acquaintances or strangers, we can ASK for info before responding or reaction to a situation

 EXPs of everyday ACoA narcissism :
✿ Starting any sentence with:
“I just don’t understand how — he / she / they — can’t get it / thinks that way / wants to do that / wears that / wouldn’t want to try this ____ …..”,
as if only your point of view if right or makes sense

✿ Your good friend enthusiastically shows you a Journal Writing entry using a new pen, but it’s such a pale color that before you can think, you say : “Can you actually see that?” – meaning that it’s too light for you (but obviously nor her)

✿ Telling someone who you’ve observed has very different tastes & opinions from you – that :
“You have to read this book, Go to that great new shoe store, Try that ____ restaurant, Go to my healer…..- you’ll love it!”,
when in fact the person you’re talking to wouldn’t be caught dead following your suggestion, because it’s soooo not them, AND you did know that!

✿ Truly believing that because you know the ‘right’ way to do something (even if you are correct), everyone should also, no matter how different they actually are, or how incapable of following that prescription.
You just want everyone to make your world a safer place. (Like demanding a cripple run a marathon).

✿ Buying any gift for someone you know well – or should – which is only your taste, but which doesn’t actually suit the other person (MORE…. ➡️)

✿ Over-reacting to real or imagined criticism as a ‘Vulnerable’ N – with shame, fear of abandonment, self hate & over-explanations, OR
as a Grandiose N – outraged & in a rage, feeling humiliated & wounded pride, with verbal or physical attacks

3 most PERVASIVE signs of ingrained ACoA Narcissism
❗️Taking everything personally – This can be about the weather, the news, an unavailable item in a store, being put on hold, having to wait for a text – or anything, a boss being controlling, the way someone looked at you or didn’t notice you – even not being able to find something in your home, as if the object is deliberately hiding….

Our secret motto is “ME, ME, ME….it’s all about me!”
— which always & only refers to others’ responses – that no matter what they do or don’t do, you think it’s about you, and
— we do not want to know that 99% of the time other people (whoever) are not thinking about us – being busy doing their own thing – because that would feel like abandonment! (Post: Keep the focus on yourself)

❗️❗️Self-Hate – blaming yourself for causing all the disappointments experienced, & any pain you feel now. This is not reality, especially when the original source of your pain (family) is / was totally out of your control!
Remember Al-Anon’s 3 Cs: “I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.”

❗️❗️❗️Symbiosis : you know – it’s that high you get from being with a new friend or lover, spending every day & night wrapped up in their aura. The feeling of absolute ‘union’ you’ve been waiting for all your life!

Problem: what we really want is a carbon copy of ourselves – the infant’s connection with mom – we never got!
Now – when we start finding out the other person is not us, we feel deeply disappointed, betrayed, & then whine, attack or dump them.

NEXT: ACoAs as Ns (# 3)

PREVIOUS :
N. Mind Games #7

POST: “ACA Laundry List” See #4)

NOTE:
The following 3 posts will be about how ACoAs express our narcissism. In case you object to the idea (many do) or wonder how that can be – here is a list of the parallels between alcoholism & narcissism which we grew up with. 

1) Denial
N : Narcissism (N) is characterized by iron-clad denial. From their point of view, they have no problems & can do no wrong. Bragging & a damn-the-consequences-swagger are essential parts of many N personae

Al: Denial also keeps addiction in place. The Alcoholic’s (Al) denial shows up in many ways, like saying they can stop drinking anytime they want, lying about when they drank, or refusing to acknowledge the consequences of their drinking.
That’s why AA members say  “I’m ____ & I’m an alcoholic.” It breaks denial.

2) Lack of introspection
N : NPD narcissists are not interested in self-reflection. Doing so would risk facing their character defects & emptiness

Al : Addiction can also mask inner conflicts, a low self-image & painful emotions. As long as an addict uses, those problems go unaddressed. They pile up & get harder & harder to face

3) Entitlement
N : Ns are also defined by entitlement – feeling superior to almost everyone. Not caring about others (lacking empathy), they give themselves full permission to do whatever they want, in spite of social & spiritual rules, or the cost to others.

Al: The alcoholic’s sacred entitlement is drinking. Many are willing to lose everyone & everything in their lives before give up alcohol

4) Self-absorption
N  / Al : For both – its all about ME. Their needs are primary. While both may seem to function normally in many settings (when not drunk or triggered by loss of supply), their self-focus always shows up

5) Self-destructiveness
N : Ns are trapped in a non-stop compulsion devoted to preserving their image, & preventing anything that will make them feel small & unimportant

Al: Without help, alcoholics also will sacrifice health, well-being, reputation, relationships & self-esteem

6) Refusal to take responsibility
N : Ns are quick to blame others for “making me act” the way they do. They almost never apologize or promise to change. That would show weakness, which is unbearable to Ns, sullying the image they desperately hang on to

Al: Active alcoholics are also quick to blame PPT (people, places & things) for “making me act” the way they do. While some apologize for their behavior & promise to turn over a new leaf, their continued drinking & abusive ways eventually are seen for what they are – as empty as their bottles

7) Behavior can switch rapidly
N : Ns can go from charming <–to–> threatening in a heartbeat. Feeling slighted or ‘disobeyed’ can send them into full battle mode

Al: Alcoholics’ mood & actions can also swing drastically, especially when under the influence. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, leading to outrageous, dangerous or abusive behavior

8) Superficial relationships
❧ The N’s dysfunction & the alcoholic’s active addiction make it impossible for them
to form & nurture deep, meaningful relationships
N : Trying to have a reciprocal, honest conversation with a N is a hit-or-miss proposition, & impossible with NPDs. It’s their way or the highway.

Al: Similarly, trying to make a meaningful connection with someone who’s drunk is a fools errand. And they won’t remember it later!

9) Manipulation of others
❧ Both will use anybody they can – to get their fix.
N : The N’s fix is attention & self-gratification. They only see others in terms of what they can get from them

Al: The alcoholic’s fix is a drink. Others are viewed as either enabling their drinking or as potential threats to their freedom to drink. They need enablers as cover

10) Behavior is at others expense
N  / A : Those close to both Ns & Als experience being used, emotional abandonment, deprivation & rejection, creating feelings of rage & shame. Loved ones of both may withdraw or eventually leave the relationship

11) Shame
N : Avoiding shame drives much of narcissists behavior. Instead, they cope by dishing shame out to others

Al: Alcoholics carry immense shame, but their drinking numbs or masks it.
(This List modified from Dan Neuharth PhD MFT)

💘 Some people are both NPDs & active addicts, which makes them doubly hard to deal with. ACoAs had to cope with both types in childhood, absorbing many of their traits, but using our native personality as filter to ‘reinterpret’ their patterns.

NEXT: ACoAs as Narcissists (#1)

PREVIOUS: Mind Games #6

MIND GAMES (cont)

√SHAPE-SHIFT
To keep their audience of ego-strokers, Ns are great at morphing into whatever persona will get then the most points for charm & desirability. These shifts are dictated by the circumstance & environment they happen to be in, to maintain good will, & ‘accommodate’ the person or group they can use.

Interesting: If you belong to a group where the N behaves a specific way (the pious goody in church, humanitarian of the year…. ) and then accidentally run into them in a totally different setting (drunk in a night club, bully boss at work….) you may be shocked & confused. Don’t be. They’re just a N shape-shifter.

√SLY DIGS
Many Ns love slyly putting you down in the form of joking. The point is to make an insulting comment you can both laugh at, but which will also make you feel bad about yourself.
EXP: Saying to a very thin woman “Be careful in the shower that you don’t slide down the drain” or “You’re so thin the wind will blow you away” HaHa….

It may be a funny jab at a physical characteristic (weight, bad at sports…) or mental quality (not having a higher education, trouble with math….). Even if you ask them to stop & explain politely why it’s hurtful, the N will keep at it. If they stop then, it’ll happen again, especially in front of others. Then – accuse you of being too sensitive or a cry baby – if you’re upset.

SMEARING 
Toxic Ns will slander you to family, friends & co-workers – to hide their own abusive behavior, by projecting it onto you. A smear campaign tries to sabotages your reputation so you’ll lose whatever support network you started out with, & then you won’t have anyone to fall back on if you decide to cut ties with the N. (More in the posts about Flying Monkeys)

TRIANGULATION
It’s when the N brings a 3rd person into your relationship to keep control, by only communicating through the extra voice. It’s most often used when there’s a problem in your relationship, & the N has no intention of facing & solving it. To convince you that you’re the cause, the N will find someone who’ll have their same perspective & get them to ‘explain it’ to you.

This 3rd person may compare you negatively to the N’s ex, a coworker, or another friend who’s better …. to reinforce the N’s goal of shutting you down.
OR the N can bring in a potential rival as a threat of abandonment, to ‘bring you in line’.
— In a family it can be pitting 2 people against a 3rd, to undermine that one’s power (EXP: mother & son against father).
— To divide & conquer, the N is the outside force who pits 2 other people against each other, to gain an advantage over or destroy perceived rivals

WITHHOLDING SEX &/or AFFECTION
Ns know that if they don’t give humans enough of something they need, they’ll long for more.
Any rare substance is usually highly valued. Unfortunately, your brain can misinterpret the deprivation as pining for the N.
Since they consider themselves a great prize – to maintain this delusion they ration themselves out to always leave you ‘hungry’.

This includes sex & affection, & with some Ns it’s even rationing their time, disappearing for weeks, then suddenly reappearing . That way these Ns can enjoy the grandiosity of tossing you a bone every now & then, as a reward for ‘good’ behaviors. And most Victims hungrily devour these scraps.

WORD SALAD CONFLICTS
If you ever disagree with a N, want something different, or challenge them in any way – expect circular reasoning, mis-direction, projection & gaslighting. Distorted & nonsense talk often erupt into arguments – to confuse, discredit & frustrate. It’s meant to distract you from the main topic.

It can make you feel guilty for questioning the N’s behavior & (non-existent) integrity, & the nerve for having independent opinions & emotions. To the N, you are only & always the problem.

(Posts : “Narc-Speak #1“and “Conversational Narcissism“)

NEXT: Alcoholism overlaps with N

PREVIOUS: N Mind Games #5

SITE: Top 10 Best Video Game Narcissists of All-Time!

MIND GAMES (cont)
√PROVOKING JEALOUSY
Many Ns will use sexual charm to get attention, in any situation. So even when in a romantic relationship, they flash it around whether you’re with them or not.
EXP: Befriending a flesh-&-blood person who could be a potential lover, romantically flirt online, keep track of &/or contact exes, turn their head to stare at any attractive person on the street, talk at length about a new person a work, openly flirt with others right in front of you…..

The fact that disrespecting you in these ways is degrading & hurts your feelings is dismissed as irrelevant. The N wants you to feel jealous, & to complain – so they can criticize you for being unreasonable. Also  –
✦ your jealousy is seen as a great compliment, basking in the ‘glory’ of what they imagine are two people fighting over them
✦ once you’re labeled insanely jealous, they can continue their bad behavior, since any objections from you will prove YOU are the problem, not them.

VARIATION : SUBTLE FLIRTING
Because it’s indirect, you bound to be confused, wondering if what you think you’re picking up is real. You know something’s off, but can’t quite put your finger on how, & certainly can’t ‘prove’ it. Of course they’ll deny it, accusing you of paranoia. And if they’re acting flirty when drinking, they don’t mean anything by it & well, what do you expect?

It can be right in front of you :
– stand slightly closer to another person than is socially acceptable / normal
– gaze into someone’s eyes a split second too long,\
– place their hand on someone’s back too long when walked then to the door
– turn the other person’s innocent comment into a sexual innuendo, saying things like “I look forward to seeing you again soon”
– exchange phone numbers, texting a ‘friend’ while on a date with you…..

√PSYCHIC DRAINING
The N’s hunger for constant Supply for attention & adoration make them “emotional vampires” who deprive Sensitives / Empaths of energy, a sense of emotional safety & the ability to do self-care.
Being with a psychic drainer for any length of time will leave you in pain – anxious, confused, depressed & frightened. It will affect your productivity, the ability to focus, & your overall PMES well-being.

√SHAMING
Ns use shame to diminish you, so is very damaging. It’s especially confusing when done by a N you trust & adore. In any N relationship, the N wants to be seen as the adult & the other person as the child.

a. One form of this sadistic tactic is to use your insecurities & personal problems to always be ‘one-up’ by making you ashamed of the things you’re the most insecure about, to destroy any value you may think you have

b. Another form is by condescending & constant belittlement, talking down using “baby talk” at you, calling you immature & saying you need to grow up. Also, ‘talking over‘ you, being ‘the authority’ (I know best), & physical posturing. The implication is that only they are psychologically ‘developed’.

SILENT TREATMENT
A form of ghosting in person! It’s passive-aggressive emotional abuse, to indicate how angry they are at you for some infraction. It’s another way to convince you how ‘bad’ you are, triggering feelings of abandonment & rejection. AND you’re powerless to fix it, because according to the N it’s “the real you”.

It shows displeasure, disapproval, & contempt in a nonverbal form – saying you’re not worth being acknowledged.  It can include physical signals like glaring, making a ‘disgusted’ sound whenever they see you, deliberately walking past without eye contact, not responding to comments or questions….

If the N withdraws long enough, you can become love-starved. Then eventually they can be magnanimous & reinstate you in their good graces, creating in you an even deeper slave-bond, so you’ll do whatever they want to insure they won’t withdraw again. But of course, they’ll aways find something to stir their N-rage, & you’ll be in the dog house again. UGH!

NEXT : Mind Games #7

PREVIOUS: MIND GAMES (#4)

SITE: Playing the victim 

MIND GAMES (cont) 

√ ONE-UPMANSHIP
Ns absolutely need to think of themselves as the best at everything. If you’ve built a lean-to, then they’ve built a lean-3….. Even Coverts believe they’re above the crowd, just hide their ambitions better than Overts. Ns see what others have & expect to have more – not because they’ve done more (or anything) to earn it – but because they assume it’s their birth right (like an English peer of the realm!) .

What’s most important to an N will vary with their personality & background. For one it’s money & material things, while for another it’s more about being attractive & desirable. Whatever it is, they’re fiercely competitive about it.
Ns often focus more on looking successful than on actually succeeding. To keep up the facade, they’re get deeply into debt, or pick a younger trophy mate, who bleeds them dry.

√PHONE GAME
The phone is an imperative tool for Ns, a weapon to manipulate & create chaos. They can easily Idolize, Devalue & Discard you with just text messages – all from the comfort of their home. Some uses:

🤐 subject you to silent treatments with the flip of a switch – change their number without notice, put the phone on airplane mode….
🥸 a way to juggling multiple relationships, so they don’t find out about each other – & block you to buy time, or when trying to hide their new Supply
😧 will pretend to have lost their phone, say it’s broken or the “battery died,” rather conveniently – when out with “friends” or other Supplies

But Ns also know that their clever strategies could backfire – if caught & confronted after you’ve snuck a look at their messages & texts. They’re angry that you violated their privacy & ‘hurt’ that you don’t trust them. So they create more chaos by provoking a fight, arguments or excuses – anything to make you the “bad guy/gal”.

 √ PLAYING VICTIM
One way to set the honey trap is by tricking you into thinking that poor little them ‘needs you’.  It’s designed to exploit your good will, guilty conscience or protective nurturing instinct. They use the mask of being weak & powerless to dominate, with an implied demand that “You must not let me down”

It’s particularly twisted because their real opinion of themself is ‘bigger than life’, but they’ll gladly act needy & weak – temporarily – if it’ll play on your weaknesses. If a N can make you feel sorry for them, they can usually get whatever they demand. Who wouldn’t help a down-trodden friend?

Keep in mind they’ve got you all figured out. Pretty soon they’ll subtly bring up a subject they already know is hurtful (an insecurity, unhealed wounds….) , then innocently say they really “didn’t mean it”.

This ploy has many benefits. However some Ns become perpetual victims – always having a major problem, always needing your endless caretaking. This becomes exhausting, especially because they totally ignore or dismiss your needs.

√ PRETENDING IGNORANCE
Ns love to act like they don’t know what they’re doing, so they can get away with bad behavior. (Refer to previous mind game)
In ‘Games People Play”, Eric Berne calls it the “Schlemiel” game. In his version of the Jewish folk-stereotype, the schlemiel deliberately does destructive acts & sabotage, disguising them to look like accidents.

The purpose is to elicit sympathy & compassion from those they’ve duped, called schlamazels. It has a definite psychological payoff – for the N – but with damaging real-world effects. Schlemiels often end up as criminals, playing their “game” with judges & police, after having outgrown parents,  teachers, friends…. who are sick of all the chaos they cause. (MORE….)

√ PROJECTION (not ‘Projecting‘)
This is about placing their own undesirable thoughts, emotions, or actions onto someone else, to keep up their self-created grandiose self-image. Ns consciously or unconsciously see flaws in others that are not in them – only in themselves, because they can’t bear to think of themselves as bad, angry, difficult or responsible for anything.  EXP: Accusing the V of cheating when they are actually the one cheating.

NEXT: Narcissist MIND GAMES (#6)

PREVIOUS: MIND GAMES (#2)

SITE: “51 telltale signs you’re married to a narcissist“

√ LYING
Ns personal presentation & how they interact with the world are based on lies – without remorse. Positive attributes & accomplishments are either exaggerated or totally made up, to trick & seduce others into continually giving them Supply – praise, admiration & perks they didn’t earn.

One of many versions are the ‘good Samaritans’ posing as “lovely people” in public, but are insensitive, neglectful & cruel behind closed doors.
There able to lie so convincingly because they don’t consider for a moment the negative effect their fakeness has on others’ lives, or what others need & feel

√ MIRRORING
A N will convince ‘object of their affection’ (you) that you’re falling in love with the most wonderful, fantastic person you’ve ever met, BY mirroring everything you love, coping your mannerisms, & seeming to be fascinated by your interests. They even tell you that you’re their soulmate.

This game can lure the unwary, but especially the wounded, who never got the mirroring they legitimately needed – as infants!  By having that need met now, someone can fall in love with this fake identity, which is actually the V‘s narcissism, like looking in a fun-house mirror.

All the N is doing is learning all your insecurities & strengths, likes & dislikes – used to “groom” you. Scamming you comes easy – they’ve done this before with their previous ‘loves’ (and bosses, and friends, and….)

√ MISREPRESENTING YOU
Rather than you, it’s the Toxic Ns who think they’re mind readers! They presume to know what you’re thinking & feeling, BUT they’re never accurate & it’s never positive. Even the ones who act like a thoughtful, caring person will deliberately twist or misuse your words, restating what you say to make your opinions look absurd.

They’ll put words in your mouth, making it sound like you have a bad intention or a toxic view that you don’t have. If you happen to talk about a problem with them, the N may respond : “So I’m the bad one,” or with someone else : “Oh, so now you’re perfect?” They’re canceling out your legitimate reactions to  inappropriate behavior, so you feel guilty for trying to set boundaries.

This tactic extends to spreading mis-info about you, presenting you in a negative & false ways.

√ MONOPOLIZING CONVERSATIONS
You can’t have a normal dialog with Ns. The Extroverts never seem to shut up & make it all about how they see thing. But while the introverts are quieter, they too can turn any conversation back to themselves, cleverly cutting you off. Your opinions don’t actually matter to any N.(see Post “Conversational N“)

√ NAME-CALLING
Ns will destroy anything that gets in their way or poses a threat to their self-defined image of superiority. Inside their twisted world, they’re the only person who’s always right, so anyone daring to disagree will trigger their rage.

At those times,  putting the other person down is the N’s automatic response & are perfectly aware of the anxiety they cause. They’ll insult & criticize the ‘enemy’s’ opinions & beliefs, to regain a measure of superiority. And once they get going, they don’t let up. Name calling is very childish, but by continually dismissing, ridiculing & marginalizing anyone who they feel diminishes then, they vanquish this enemy – even if it’s their child or mate!

√ NEGATIVE HUMOR / TEASING
Making negative or insulting remarks disguised as teasing or sarcasm are sneaky ways to let out normally suppress or denied anger, but is actually meant to punish by making you feel inferior & insecure.
If you object or call them out, the N will say “You’re too sensitive” or “You just don’t have a sense of humor / you take things too seriously…”.

They’ll keep throwing out malicious jokes at your expense, especially about anything that touches you deeply. They’ll ‘humorously’ shame you in front of others & insist it’s all in good fun. Their sick, mean humor is done without remorse, while justifying themselves by saying you were the one who got them riled in the first place.

NEXT : Mind Games #5

 PREVIOUS : Mind Games #1

V = Victim

MIND GAMES (cont)
√ GHOSTING – Silence at a distance
In this version, you’re stuck not being able to find out or object to what’s really going on. So, many Vs stew in confusions & anxiety, wondering what they’ve done wrong (which is S-H), & how they can fix it.

Ghosters either don’t respond when they say they will, or promise to show up for something but blow you off – without any warning before or apology after.
Ns know exactly what they’re doing – & that it’s hostile.
If they wanted to be respectful, keep their word,  or work out a problem, they’d text or talk to you, but NO – they’d rather leave you hanging.
They also know they can backtrack on their ‘little murder’ (angry silence) when they need you on their side. Most Victims are eager to end their own discomfort & so let the N get away with it

√ GROOMING
To prepare a potential victim to become a physical & psychological slave, the N works very hard for some period of time to create the impression that they’re a safe, generous, trustworthy person. It’s temporary & intentional – tailored to set the victim (target) up for future use.

This effort forms an emotional connection with a child or vulnerable adult – so they can be manipulated, exploited & abused later – and have the V tolerate & forgive the N, even blaming themself for the eventual unexpected, shocking mistreatment

√ GUILT-TRIP
Verb : To actively create guilt in another person, used on Vs as punishment for not pleasing the N.  It’s a passive-aggressive way to keep the V feeling bad about things they’re done / said, or failed to do / say, which the N claims are unacceptable – but only in their eyes.

Specifically, the V will be reminded of something ‘bad’ they did –> made to feel guilty about it –> then given an option to escape punishment – by doing something the manipulator wants. If the V agrees that everything ‘wrong’ with the relationship is their fault, they’ll make a great effort to try to make up for it. That way the N never has to admit being neglectful, deliberately selfish & cruel

√ HOOVERING
Named after the Hoover vacuum, it’s used to “suck the V back in” to the abusive relationship the V is trying to escape or has left. The N will temporarily ‘improve’ their behavior, or give the V something they want which had previously been withheld. Neither will last!

The N can use any means to re-hook the V, needed as ‘Supply’.  EXP: guilt-tripping & shaming, false promises of changing behavior & too-good-to-be-true gifts, begging, screaming at the victim, making threats, insincerely accepting blame for what’s gone wrong, even using others (flying monkeys) to help persuade the V to return. (See “Narc-Speak #1“)

√ INTIMIDATE 
The N will frighten their V by threatening physical harm to them or a loved one, or to deprive the V of something extremely important (sleep, food, money, the children….), to force the V into doing something the N wants.
Another way is to throw tantrums when the N doesn’t get their way – ranting on & on, loud angry voice, lots of aggressive gestures, breaking things… It’s psychological torture, always with the possibility of direct physical violence.

√ LOVE BOMB
This is when the N overwhelms a new Supply (you?) with an OTT amount of affection, flattery, gifts & praise early in the relationship. It’s purpose is not love. By moving the relationship forward quickly, the N tries to win the V’s undivided attention so they’ll be the only one in control.
This shows the N’s insecurity & inner emptiness, which requires an immediate fix. N have very little impulse-control, like little kids – wanting what they want, right now.

This emotional game can include: “just helping you out – to do better” by criticizing everything in your life, agreeing with everything you say, constant compliments, physical & digital affection, expensive gifts (to make you indebted, since they expect something back)….
This will all end when the V is good & truly hooked.

NEXT : More Mind Games #2

PREVIOUS : Mind Games #1

⬅️ Artwork by Jonathan Plotkin

Mind-Games (cont)

√ CHANGE the SUBJECT
A conversational smokescreen to divert any talk away from what the N did / didn’t do. Most often the redirect lands on one of your weaknesses, since Ns don’t want to be held accountable for anything. Complain about their behavior? They’ll point out a mistake you committed 5 years ago. This game has no time or subject limit, usually starting with “What about the time when you …”

It can also happen when any subject simply doesn’t interest the N,
OR especially anything emotional, such as their Supply crying about a loss or death. N’s response might be “So what the big deal?  / Are you over that yet?”
OR the V making an emotional statement, (“I’m really sad about…. / you make me so angry when….”) N’s response will then be on irrelevant & trivial topics like “So what’s on TV? / What’s for dinner?….”

√ COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
This term refers to mental confusion caused by holding two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes. Most people want things to be consist & make sense, so this conflict makes us feel uneasy.

Re. Ns masking their true intensions with a charming facade – designed to gather as much attention & admiration as they can get away with, but which is undeserved. This deception often works because most people aren’t educated about how Ns operate – without empathy or interest in other humans. Instead, ‘innocents’ only see someone who seems sweet & caring.

As a result, Vs experience a good deal of cognitive dissonance. They try to rationalize the “charming, helpful, caring” person against the outrageous & cruel words & actions the N constantly subjects them to. Result : Vs end up blaming themselves.

√ DEVALUE
The N will start their wicked game by taking you to 7th heaven, idealizing you until you’re thoroughly hooked, addicted to their “perfect“ personality.
Then in a blink of an eye they’ll devaluing you with insults, criticizing all the qualities they seemed to previously admired.
A variation: putting you on a pedestal while attacking someone else who threatened the N’s status & superiority (so you never will)

√ EXPECT you to MIND-READ
The N actually (but secretly) demands that you know what they need, feel & want – without having to ask. They’re too important & god-like to say – you should just intuit it!
Then – when you disappoint (how could you not?), they get very angry & accuse you of not loving them, being insensitive & a bad friends / daughter / son / mate…… They deliberately create situations where you’ll feel guilty & bad about yourself – as a way to “up your game” on their behalf

√ GAME CHANGE & NITPICK
When you’ve obeyed all the N’s rules – been the very best mate / child / employee possible…. then the N changes the rules for acceptability. Even the little things you had corrected to suit them – are no longer valid. You will need tweaking, with new goals set for you.

Constant criticism of things you’re doing that used to be praised – is mentally confusing & causes emotional anxiety. While there’s no ‘logic’ to the new nit-picky judgements demands, the only option is for you to work harder for the N’s approval.

“Bait & switch” is meant to keep you too weak to free yourself, diverting you from your strengths, & pulling you into obsessions about supposed flaws. You end up twisting & bending, trying to fill their every need, which are never be satisfied

√ GASLIGHT

To be actual gaslighting, the motive has to be deliberate, conscious obfuscation – when the person (N) ‘denies’ the other’s experience (V).
It’s a series of mind-games to destroy the Vs memory, perception & sanity. (From the 1944 movie “Gaslight.”). It can be used short-term, to cover some misdeed. But to be effective it usually takes time & a diabolical sneakiness to pull off.
Often it’s done so the N can get their claws on the V’s money & property. It can also just be for the sadistic satisfaction of breaking someone spirit.

 NEXT: More Mind Games #3