ACoAs

The BODY & Emotions (Part 3)

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body Es 3

I TRY TO HIDE MY FEELINGS, but my body keeps giving me away

PREVIOUS: The BODY & Emotions – #2


SENSING Emotions
• Emotions (Es) represent a large part of our interchanges with others. If we leave out how we feel, or if we communicate them inadequately, we fail to get across an important chunk of what we mean.
NLP tells us that the Verbal part of Communication is only one aspect of the message we present, the others being our tone & body language. Words are important & have power – they can inspire or they can do great harm.  But it’s tonality & body language that convey emotions.

Even though there are still people who deny the value of having emotions, (& some still flatly deny that animals also have them!) – fortunately there are scientists who continue to gather data identifying brain structures associated with emotions & the ways we can use our senses. Maybe it will eventually convince the skeptics!

BLINDSIGHT is a term coined by researchers at Oxford in the UK, over 40 years ago – working with blind monkeys & then humans, in the process of testing their ability to sense their environment using parts of the brain other than eyes.

• In the TV series “Through the Wormhole” the episode ‘Blind Sight’ (clips) shows a scientific study from the Netherlands about how Es travel from person to person, by picking up changes in faces. Dr. de Gelder’s subjects were stroke victims who can see with one eye but not the other.
They were shown pictures of people with neutral emotions – to their ‘good’ eye – at the same time that faces with a variety of emotions were shown to the blind eye.

• In every case, each time the unseeing eye was presented with people’s features that expressed emotions, the subjects automatically mimicked those exact expressions on their own face – without realizing it. When asked if they knew what emotion was on the screen, they all said they were just guessing.
Clearly they were using some other areas of the brain.  For an explanation see the whole program

• CAT Scans show our brains experience many complex interaction we don’t consciously realize & don’t make enough use of, which include the emotion centers of the brain.  It would benefit us as ACoAs to learn about these connections & realize they are legitimate parts of us – built into our biological system. We can then become more comfortable with our Es & use them to navigate the complexities of life – which is why we have them!

concave solar plexusHOLDING IN Es
• How we carry our body can indicate how we’re feeling emotionally, not just at the moment, but habitually. We store un-processed stress in our body’s organs, muscles, chakras, meridians & electro-magnetic layers. Specific emotional residue of abuse AND negative beliefs are stored in various locations in theabused body.  (Anger in the liver, not being supported is in the lower back muscles, shame in the gut, fear in the heart or stomach….)

EXP:  Some people’s whole body center is visibly concave, as in these drawings. It shows they were severely & regularly abused in childhood, often continued in current toxic relationships.

☁︎ Their solar plexus has been emotionally punched (sometimes physically too) so often that their body is trying to pullback from future blows they know will come – or are still expecting, even long after the danger has passed.
There are also many abused people whose outward signs are much subtler, but the cues are there as well – to help us understand their behavior
➼ Generally, people who are confident & happy stand erect, head up, shoulders back, & walk with a sure but not arrogant gait. Depressed or self-hating people may stand with head down, slumped shoulders, slow or unsure walk…..  Changing how we hold our body can improve how we feel about ourselves.

Of course there are exceptions:
♿️ someone with a chronic physical illness or disability may move slowly, be hunched over, clumsy, needing a wheelchair. Yet they can be confident & emotionally balanced, with ups & downs, but not miserable,
☢️ while some who are deeply insecure may strut & seem ‘strong’ emotionally, only because they present a facade to compensate for being afraid, expressed as anger & inflated self-importance.

NEXT:  Emotions & the Body  (#4)

The BODY & Emotions (Part 2)

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body Es 2OK, TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT.
Yeah, but you left out how you feel!

PREVIOUS: Emotions & the Body (#1)

SITE: Emotions Are Physical 
INCLUDES “Signs You May Be Afraid of Your Emotions”

IMPRESSIONS
1. Showing strong Es in public too blatently is usually looked down on or made fun of – in the theater it’s called ‘chewing the scenery’ (think Captain Kirk) but is acceptable if we’re at a ballgame or rock concert. We remember how Jackie Kennedy was endlessly praised for her stoicism at JFK’s funeral.

2. On the other hand, when someone shows NO sign of emotion, it will be read by others as an indication that —
a. the topic is not important, as when :
= someone carries on about something too intellectually, or is just talking BS
OR
= talk in a monotone (flat affect), a neutral voice or with a smile about very painful events – the way many ACoAs do about their traumatic childhood, or newscasters reporting a tragedy.
The listener may just gloss over it or not actually ‘hear’ the info!

b. OR that they’re a ‘cold’ fish, heartless, even psychopathic, like if there’s no emotional reaction to the news of their child being horribly killed, or told they’ve lost everything in a disaster

c. BUT if someone doesn’t show any Es about an event or person –
it can imply that they disapprove of it / them, like when there’s complete silence from an audience toward a performance or a public figure, or we ignore a friend or spouse…..

REALITY
Regardless of the actual reason for a person not adding emotional subtext to their communication (from boredom, exhaustion, sickness, shock, shyness, shut down, terror….), the average observer is looking for some cue to the meaning (value & relevance) of what they’re hearing from or seeing in another person – which would help them know how they themself should feel & respond (If you don’t care then I won’t care either)
HOWEVER –
Everyone does unconsciously telegraph their true feelings – even the reticent & the repressed – by micro-expressions of the face & throat muscles (as well as other physical signs like a clenched fist, leaning forward or back, slouching….).
Normally, both sender & receiver of these tiny movements are unaware of them, but astute observers can pick them up anyway & respond internally, if not outwardly. As in the “Lie to Me” TV series, anyone trained to carefully read them can identify what someone else is feeling / experiencing

ACoAs
1. Toward ourself –  we were thoroughly trained to ignore our own   experiences (intuition, emotions & thinking), that we’ve suppressed (but NOT lost) the ability to know what we feel, becoming numb to this level of internal information, from both feelings & body sensations

2a. re.Others
• Because involuntary muscle contractions are such subtle cues to someone’s emotional state, and –
• we’ve just as thoroughly been taught to deny / ignore what we hear & see from others, unfortunately :
— we don’t even notice these interaction, BUT
— if we do pick up the cues from others (what they’re actually telling us about themselves), we don’t trust what we’ve seen, & then talk ourself out of the implications.
This is one reason we’re greatly handicapped in understanding & dealing with others.  Fortunately, we can change this!

2b. At the same time, as kids in a chaotic, abusive environment – we became overly focused on how the adults were feeling, in an understandable desire to protect ourself. Their every nuance became signals – are they going to beat me, fall asleep drunk, stay in bed depressed or “sick”, be in a rage & get ready for a fight…..
Our goal was to placate the monsters & stop the abuse. This never worked! to change them, so one conclusion was that we’re a failure at understating moods & ‘fixing  pain’.

SO NOW – it’s hard for us to evaluate :
• what someone is actually telling us. We easily misread their meaning or motives
• what we feel emotionally about their communication. We react from internal wounds instead of responding to present info
• how to respond appropriately, so our actions are too harsh or too weak

Because of our ‘limited vision’, when someone is verbally insensitive or mean, we don’t feel the emotional punch in the stomach until sometime later if at all, & then are more likely to feel scared, or maybe get angry but blame ourself!

NEXT: The Body & Emotions (Part 3)

What about EMOTIONS? (Part 4)

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therapy couch 3 I CAN HAVE ALL MY FEELINGS, & still be in control of myself!

PREVIOUS: What about Es? (Part 2)

 

MASTERY vs CONTROL
EXTERNAL focus: Control : “TO direct & command & having authority over others, OR to hold back, curb, restrain”.
The need for negative control (being controlling) in our personal life comes from an intense desire to avoid feeling fear – fear we’ve been storing away a little at a time, year after year, until it’s a mountain too overwhelming to face

Without realizing it, we believe that if we can ‘direct or restrain’ other people & situations around us we can prevent feelings of terror & rage from surfacing.  Controlling our Es keeps us from knowing ourself fully, while trying desperately to manage other people’s perceptions of us.

INTERNAL focus: Mastery, on the other hand, is about becoming an expert in some area.
Regarding emotions (Es), it’s recognizing & accepting our True Self &  others’ – since we’re all emotional beings.  We can be in charge of our feelings & behavior, as well understand & be respectful of others

• In ACoAs language,  mastery of our Es means having our Healthy Adult & Loving Parent in charge (the UNIT), instead of the WIC or PP, while giving lots of room for the Healthy Child to thrive & express itself.
When we let ourself to have a wide range of Es & learn how to handle them correctly, their intensity fades because they don’t get back-logged & then have to explode.

painfull EsUNHEALTHY or UNUSUAL:  Painful Es that we feel continually over long periods of time (rage, fear, sorrow, hopelessness …..) may be:
• from a traumatic past, & are tightly linked to beliefs, fantasies, wishes, resentments…. that we haven’t processed yet, & so are harmful to us
• caused by sudden shock or unexpected loss we can’t seem to get over (such as with PTSD)
• the result of aging, a brain injury, chemical imbalance (like with clinical depression) or side0effects of legal & illegal drugs or medications

Many (but not all) of these causes of Es can be worked thru psychologically so they can be released, & in some cases be greatly helped by corrective medication.

NOT ALL EMOTIONS are big, scary or overwhelming.
The ones we have in the moment are usually subtle, short-lived & sometimes conflicting.  ACoAs have been so brain-washed to not recognize Es in general, that we barely acknowledge the big ones, so the subtler ones can get missed altogether (non-dramatic ones like – being pleased, relieved, quite comfortable, a little frustrated, mildly annoyed, glad…..)

Some ways to relieve the pressure of backed-up E:
• sometimes just writing them out is enough, or drawing them using pens or crayons
• call someone who won’t try to fix or control you, share your Es in Al-anon & therapy
• if angry, do a minute or more of under-your-breath yelling while pounding on the couch or bed, sit in the car, or go outside to vent
• if sad, listen to music, watch a movie, read a book…. to trigger your tears.  Some of us can only cry when we are with others – if they’re safe, some of us only when we’re alone
➼ In many cases you’ll feel lighter & be able to sleep better!

EXP: You got an email from an ex you haven’t heard from in a long time. You’re over him/her, & the content was ok – nothing special.
So — you don’t feel anything. Right?
Well — look inside, & you’ll find there are some left over from old wounds – still vivid & intense.  Don’t judge, just accept & use all your tools to process them.a little sad

• OR maybe there’s only a little sadness, or guilt, or loss or forgotten anger or disappointment – that got activated. But you’re not aware of it – because, you don’t really care anymore, you’ve moved on…. And yes, you really are not invested in this person now, BUT feelings are feelings & aren’t logical.  Just say “I might be feeling something – just quietly.” It’s normal. Acknowledge whatever Es you identify (quiet or loud), give your kid a warm hug & go on with your life – no drama!

NEXT: Es & the body (Part 1)

What about EMOTIONS? (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: What about EMOTIONS? (#2)

POSTS: “Not enough Love?” CDs & Emotions (1 & 2)

SITE: ConneXions – food for thought, & decide if you agree or not

REMINDER re. T.E.A.
•  Most people (even healers & therapists) talk about Es as either positive or negative, but that’s not correct language, nor a realistic way to think of them. WHY?  Because anything labeled ‘negative’ is by definition always considered bad, & should therefore be suppressed or eliminated.

However, it is not healthy to suppress or eliminate Es!
a. Current, day-to-day Es can be felt in the moment, identified & acknowledged without judgement. Then they dissipate.

b. Re-experiencing old pain – What’s most healing is to feel those Es in appropriate places & with safe people, so we don’t have to carry them around any longer.  If we keep shoving them down they continue to clog our energy pathways, like an old sewer.  They harden us or we explode.

• ONLY our thoughts & actions are either positive or negative. To be empowered we need to keep track of our Es (with great patience & kindness toward ourself), to stay in charge of what we’re thinking & how we act.  Emotions just need to be accepted & felt!  (CHART ⬇️)

EXP: After regularly attending ACoA meetings for a couple of years, one young man explained: “I spent much of my life running from my emotions. I was convinced that if I stopped, I would drown in them.  Finally I got so tired of running I just ‘sat down’, fearing the worst. Even though the waves of emotions came like a tsunami, they washed over me and kept going. And I’m still here – better for it!

Correction: Instead of calling them positive or negative, think about Es in terms of being painful or pleasurable, in varying degrees, from Neutral to the extremes : Pa – N – Pl
Keep reminding yourself that Es are necessary & beneficial. Not having them or trying to get rid of them is like wanting to be rid of your hands or feet!
Consider:
• Narcissists (especially NPDs) can feel some Es, but mainly for themself, & assume that others feel exactly the way they do – about everything – like the N. mother who actually said to her daughter: “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”!
Narcissist say they ‘love’ someone, (a child, a spouse…), & may experience an emotion they label as love,  BUT it’s all about themself – only about their need to get something from the other person or to protect themselves

• Sociopaths are people who feel little or no emotions, doing whatever they want without remorse, guilt or shame. They have few internal deterrents to prevent abusing others because they can’t empathize with the pain they cause.
Many of them do understand intellectually that their actions create suffering in someone else, which may even give them some satisfaction or pleasure, but no identification with the sufferer, so they don’t care about the terrible effects they inflict

IN a symbiotic (boundary-less) relationship we hold someone so closely – enmeshedlike in a tight embrace – that we can feel them, but not actually see the real person. It’s as if we’re always looking past their shoulder, at the rest of the world but never making mental or emotional eye contact with our co-hugger, so in a very real sense both people are alone!
While the WIC is terrified of unhooking, ultimately the enmeshment is unsatisfying, since each person in the clinch is mainly there for self-centered reasons.
The reality is that IF WE:
✓ can’t be seen – either – we can’t be loved for who we really are, nor get our social needs met
✓ can’t separate for fear of harming the other person, we can never be truthful, see who they are & so can never fully trust them
✓ keep trying to live in the shadow of someone else’s aura, we’ll never get comfortable in our own skin, or fully enjoy ourself
✓ stay in the symbiosis to stave off fear of abandonment, we can’t grow & develop our potential & become our own person

HEALTHY: Legitimate patent-to-child or adult-to-adult love can see the other person clearly & always have the other’s well-fare in mind. A healthy parent would say: “Jimmy, I’m cold. Are you?”  If the answer is “No”, the mother will let it go, or add a sweater to the backpack….. (depending on the age of the child, of course)😇.
Similarly with another adult – we ask, then listen! 

NEXT: What about Es? (Part 4)

What about EMOTIONS? (Part 2)

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therapy couch 2I FEEL THAT SHE DOESN’T LIKE ME!
OOPS – that’s not a feeling. It’s a thought!

PREVIOUS : What about Es? (#1)

POSTS : USE THINK …..


HEALTHY emotions (Es) usually are brief / short-term, & will dissipate rather quickly. They’re an immediate response to a thought or some situation at the moment. They give us important information about what’s going on, & get us ready or motivated to act, when appropriate or necessary.
Es come from :
• external events, like being cut off in traffic or your boss being annoying, so you may feel angry, irritated, frustrated…. OR
• internal ‘events’, such as memories of —
— a bad job, a lost loved one, so you may feel sad, lonely, angry, scared OR
— a fun party, great success, a great trip, so you may feel happy, relieved, proud, nostalgic…..

LONG-TERM** emotions are those unhappy, intense ones that – when triggered – seem to go on forever! causing great stress on the body so we never relax. The intensity lets us know they’re not about something current, but rather taping into the unprocessed deep well of accumulated childhood pain.
In the present, when an old button is pushed, we chew & chew on a feeling (anger, abandonment, disappointment….), obsessing on painful experiences, & then add more pain by judging ourself for what we’re feeling.

** Unexplored childhood Es prevent us from being in touch with or honoring honest gut responses in the present, which then distract us from taking needed actions, or drive us to take the wrong kind.

Old painful Es don’t dissipate easily or quickly because they’re still attached to self-abusing beliefs that our WIC is loyal to – the Toxic Family Rules & Roles.
The only ‘benefit’ they provide now is to let us know how we felt in childhood. Accumulated Es hang on until we can verbalize & finally experience them safely.

EXP: You got really angry at a rotten driver on the highway, yelling & giving them the bird… but then gave yourself a hard time for being angry – because you learned as a kid that anger is BAD. You keep judging yourself, maybe also feeling guilt, shame, anxiety & S-H.
WHY? Not making a distinction between the emotion of anger vs. behaviors that expresses it.

Truth: All emotions are legitimate, but not all actions are appropriate!
Even if you can’t prevent the bad-voice tape from clicking on, do NOT let it run – stop it right away AND strongly disagree with what it’s saying. If you do that each time, its power will eventually diminish!

TIME FACTOR
REMINDER – In a psychological healthy state, emotions usually come & go rather quickly. We can have several, even conflicting Es, at the same time – about a specific person or situation.
They’re brief because they’re situation-specific, & we’re not holding on to a negative mental interpretation of what’s being felt (not judging or being afraid of Es)   (More…..)

Interesting : A pioneering study about how long various emotions can be felt, identified – being ashamed or disgusted lasts about (30 min), bored (about 2 hrs), guilt (3.5 hrs), but sadness outlasts them all (up to 120 hours!) The next longest was anger, about 60 hrs.!

⚙️ SOME Es: There are some healthy long-term ‘states’ like love, loyalty, faith…. that can last years or a life-time, even with ups & downs, depending on the individual &/or the relationship

RECOGNIZING Es
Regularly ask “What am I feeling emotionally right now?”  Name any that you can. If you’re not sure, keep the blog’s list of Es on your phone. Write about recent events & talk about them to a friend or in a meeting. Not being alone with them helps.

feelingsQ: Have you noticed that at the end of a day – or week – you feel heavy, tired, depressed – BUT you think ‘Nothing really big / bad happened’ ?
A: List every event, no matter how trivial or ‘innocuous’. Some may actually have been quite stressful
• Next to each one – list Es you had been ‘in touch’ (sad, mad, lonely… or happy, relieved, peaceful….) ,   OR – If you don’t know or are unsure,  imagine which Es you may have felt about them EXP : Your boss ignored you, again – & it didn’t bother you.  Are you sure?

• There are many different Es associated with people & situations that come in & out of your life. If you don’t regularly discharge all that emotional energy, usually from uncomfortable Es, they accumulate in the body & you end up feeling weighed down!
💗 We can also overlook pleasant Es if we’re not used to or allowed to feel them, losing out on healing energy.

NEXT: What about Es? #3

What about EMOTIONS? (Part 1)

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PREVIOUS: “What others think of me is none of my business’ (#2)

REVIEW:  “Feelings Aren’t Facts”

DEFINITIONS (Answers.com):
• The English word emotion (Es) is from the French émouvoir, from the Latin emovere, where e- means ‘out’, & movere means ‘move’, as TO emit & emote
• at its most basic: Es are pure mental & spiritual energy from the core of our being that makes us all one, where we meet & overlap as human beings
• they are short-lived psycho-physical phenomena that represent efficient adaptations to environmental demands (Levenson, ‘94)

• an E. is a particular mental state formed spontaneously rather than by conscious effort, often accompanied by physical changes
therapy couch 1• they are the part of our consciousness that involves sensibility: “The very essence of literature is the war between emotion & intellect” Isaac B. Singer

• Es are the result of combining external experience, brain chemicals, the way we think & the actions we choose —
— based on our native Self, our personal history, with the cultural rules & values we grew up with
• Es can be used to motivate us to take actions needed to connect, to protect ourselves, & to grow
• our Es liven those actions, which would otherwise be rigid or boring

• Emotions coordinate our many adaptive needs so we can function more efficiently, without those needs being in conflict or demanding attention all at the same time (food, shelter, reproduction, safety, sleep, communication….)

survivalEs make up an overriding brain-program that temporarily activates, deactivates, or modifies particular needs. This depends on the current situation – where 1 need is turned on, while another has to be put on hold  – so we can keep functioning properly (sleep vs go to work, stay connected vs withdraw from danger, achieve vs relax, socialize vs. regroup alone…..)

• From Affective NeuroScience (en.wikipedia)
Affect is an encompassing term, used mainly in psychology to describe emotion, feelings & moods, even though it’s more commonly used to mean Emotion

Feelings are our subjective impressions of emotions, private to the person experiencing them – based on perspective, beliefs & desires. A general state of consciousness independent of physical sensations and thoughts….

Moods are diffuse effects, generally lasting much longer than individual Es, but less intense. They represent an overall tone that effects one’s outlook on everything, for as long as the E lasts

• In “What are Emotions? And how can they be measured?” (2005) K. R. Scherer suggested 5 crucial elements:
📌 Action tendencies : motivational energy to prepare & direct motor responses – Es are the push to act in some way
📌 Bodily symptoms : physical aspect of an emotional experience, generated in the gut, but also experienced in other body parts
EXP: FEAR can be felt as tightening of the chest, stomach, throat, weakness in the knees…. & in panic attacks – as temporary blindness, inability to think, ‘clutched heart’, trouble breathing….

📌  Cognitive appraisal : Es provide an evaluation of events & objects. It’s the Mental component that which generate Es – what we think / believe about something, either healthy or unhealthy, accurate or not
📌 Expression : facial & vocal output almost always accompanying an emotional state as a reaction to it, or indicate the intention of taking some action (unless using Botox! )
📌  Feelings : the person’s subjective experience of their emotional state, once it has occurred

BTW – Don‘t confuse feelings or emotions with:
obsession• Compulsions, which are actions we’re not in conscious control of – OR –
• Obsessions (Os), which are over-focused, circular mental rumination, our hamster-in-the-wheel :
a. most Os are unconsciously —
— fueled by anxiety, trauma, S-H, FoA….
— supported by unhealthy thinking (CDs), wanting revenge, being one-up, proving oneself ….

b. less often (legitimate) Os may be:
POSITIVE uses • a way to rehearse phrases or counter-arguments from our Healthy Adult ego state
• ‘passions’, motivated by a deep need to connect with a H.P, to be of service to others or follow a creative goal.

BEST use • mentally reviewing a positive event recently experienced, to anchor it in memory. This is important for countering our “built-in-forgetter”, which automatically negates the good things in our life
Purpose : to solidify smarter ways of verbally responding, which can counter — ACoAs’ tendency to blank out when confronted or criticized (fear,) or — when told something outrageous, insensitive or mean (rage)

💎 Therefore, ‘obsessional repetition’ is a smart tool, creating new brain pathways, so the Frontal Lobes can stay ‘on line’ when we need them the most

NEXT: What about Es? (Part 2)

What Others Think of Me is None of My Business (#2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Safe & Unsafe People

 

 

2. Mental HEALTH (cont)
a. Normal (in #1)

b. Delays
  So, what if we’re in Recovery, want to connect & not stay an outsider – but it’s still not happening. Even when we try & try, most people just don’t easily warm to us, don’t accept us into their inner circle, don’t look to us as peers !

🥺 What our social group thinks of us DOES MATTER.  If they shun us, we’re alone, lonely & unhappy! It hurts.

Of course, being considered unfriendly or weird by others will also affect our work life, if that matters to us. We’ll be passed over, won’t get the corporate emails, or hear the best gossip. Some of us may be so damaged that we prefer being as invisible as possible. But most of us want to be liked.

There are (at least) 2 possible reasons we’re ‘left out’:
i. Location, Location, Location!
We may be in the WRONG place or group. What make us uncomfortable could be a ‘faith’ that doesn’t suit, a type of job or career that’s not a good fit, the wrong social set for our personality, or even the wrong city, state or country!  It’s just not right for US.

• Compatibility is crucial in any situation. If this applies, we’ll need to rethink our commitments, & make changes – not our favorite thing! For some ACoAs this will be harder than for others,  that’s why we need a wide support system.
We have to actively look for the right venues & the right people – that suit us – not just think about it for years!

Naturally, to proceed, we must have:
— a working knowledge of our personality, talents, dreams…..
— permission for all our human needs, & then provide as many as possible
— the right kind of help to keep us going in the right direction.

ii. Old Wounds – the other reason we may be ‘left out’ are all that stuff in Part 1.
We may have been working on ourself a long time, have grown, & want to connect  – but there are still lingering aspects of the damage that keep getting in the way, perhaps very subtly:
— deep-seated rage that colors our energy, but not on the surface
— the hidden neediness of wanting someone, somewhere to take care of us
— some historic terror in the WIC, just out of reach, keeping others at arm’s length

• Without knowing what it is, people pick these up & keep their distance.
As we continue healing, even these issues can fall away or greatly diminish.  As we become more comfortable in our skin, others will be more comfortable with us.
AND for some of us – not being a ‘part of’ those around us is Spiritually or psychologically appropriate – by choice, so being widely accepted may not a suitable goal.

c. Recovery
• Long-term isolation, from shame & fear, is not good for anyone. out of comfort
However, periods of retreat, whether alone or in a community of like-minded people can be beneficial.  We may need to be alone from time to time to process emotions & events

• With emotional growth, ACoAs become more comfortable dealing with social situations. We’ll experience one of AA’s Big Book Promises: ‘We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us”.

✶ When we’ve gained some self-esteem we realize that although we will inevitably run into a few people who don’t like us, ignore us, belittle us, we rub the wrong way…. We won’t be so deeply affected as before AND we won’t take it (so) personally.
It’s is normal to be hurt, but NOT devastated.

➼  THIS is what the quote applies to !! Once we’re OK with ourself, WE:
• don’t automatically assume people won’t like us (projection)
• are less affected when not automatically or easily accepted
• find out that many people think better of us that we originally believed!

WE ARE SOCIAL BEINGS. How others react to us does make a difference, especially if it’s throughout our life, not just once in a while.
Some things we have NO control over, but we can continue working on whatever – inside & outside – we can change, as in the Serenity Prayer.

NEXT: What abut EMOTIONS  – #1

What Others Think of Me is None of My Business (#1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, HEAL & GROW for ACoAs, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

LONELY CREATURES
We’re all social animals, but also need privacy

PREVIOUS: Safe & Unsafe People

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

NOTE: Many people in the mental health field, spiritual practices & new-age wisdom say we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us. Yes, OK, but it’s not that simple! What they don’t tell you is that there’s 2 different aspects, the negative & the positive.

1. DAMAGE (ACoA version) – for anyone with limited self-esteem / S-H, there’s always the assumption that other people don’t like us – it’s our default position & hard to let go of.  And that has 2 parts too! Doesn’t everything?  AH, Dualism!  I can’t help it – I’m a 22/4 with an 8 Destiny. I see both sides – ‘now’. 🙂 Anyway…

a. Awkward (lame, a “drip”? —>)akward
• If we’re obnoxious, angry, childish, clingy, lazy, needy, selfish, un-groomed, or say lots of dumb things – OR just full of negativity & self-doubt, then most people will not like us!

• If we care, these problems can be worked on – if we have the courage, right kind of help & willingness to deal with the pain, sadness & fear that’s at the root all our ‘shortcomings’

• If we don’t care, or the resistance is too great to get past, the external signs & internal causes never get corrected. A great loss for us as individual & to society, but each has their own path.

b. Isolators: Some ACoAs (not about Extroverts / Introverts)
isolate• hide out because of some physical or mental disorder
• but mostly it’s from — Fear, Lack of good Boundaries & Self-hate : wounded souls who need lots of love but aren’t allowed to let it in, even when it’s available. They blame themself for everything that goes wrong. They ‘don’t belong’

• At the other extreme are those wounded ACoAs who are always angry,  complaining, dissatisfied & think they’re superior. They push others away & lose out. They have S-H too, but their whole focus is outside of themself, blaming everyone else for their troubles

c. Acceptable:  Most of us are not social misfits –
• we have an education, jobs, mates, maybe children & some outside interest. YET we think everyone is going to judge us harshly, find out we’re frauds, see  all our flaws… later if not sooner, especially if they get to know usbeing udged
• that’s straightforward Projection onto others of – how our parents treated us & now, our self-judgement

• also, it’s Mind-reading (a CD). We’re sure we know what others are thinking – especially about us, & it’s always negative. That’s ACoA grandiosity.  Stay out of other people’s heads!
• Sadly, even when others like us, love, admire & laud us – we have a hard time believing it, don’t trust it, get embarrassed, tell them why it’s not true. Yuck!

2. Mental HEALTH  — All humans NEED connections, but in differing amounts.
a. Normal:
• Extroverts. (They are 75-80% of the population, at least in the West)
They thrive on the energy absorbed by being around a lot of activity – choices, options, people, events….. even if not interacting with them directly.  (PS – not referring to the energy vampires).
Think: a walk in the park on a great spring day alone, when intro/extroeveryone’s out,  or an evening with a bunch of friends, just ‘messing around’. Doesn’t have to be heavy or deep, although that’s good too. Just being ‘part of’ feels great

• Introverts need activity too with others, just in much smaller doses. They’re mostly comfortable one-on-one & in small groups, for short periods. They derive their energy internally, & are overwhelmed by too much external input.

NEXT: What others think…. #2

Forming Boundaries – with OTHERS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

setting ;imitsIT’S UP to ME to SET MY LIMITS
it’s up to others to honor or ignore them

PREVIOUS: Bs with OTHERS (#1)

POST:   ‘ACoAs & Self-Esteem’

DEF : A boundary is a PMES space you put around yourself, & so do others for themselves

FORMING Boundaries (Bs) with OTHERS 
1. For OURSELF 

2. In Relation to OTHERS
a. Don’t punish others if they’ve forgotten your B. requirements. Consequences should be an inevitable outcome of the choices we each make. Outcomes (our reactions to them) may or may not feel like punishment to the B violator – depending on how intensely they’re still run by their WIC or PP.

• If you feel a strong urge to punish someone for ignoring your requests, it would be best to work on yourself before talking to them again. While they did indeed ‘stepped on your toes’, you may have let the violation go on too long, or else you’re making it too personal. NOT everything is about us!

★ Persistent B violators act like that with everyone, or anyone who will let them!  Do rage work in private, share about it in Al-Anon & therapy, pray for patience, & talk or write to your Inner Child.
Then remind the other person again, OR tell them they’ve crossed the line for the last time!

ii. Make a plan of action for when someone severely violates your Bs (& somebody will!) :
a. Tell them what you don’t like about their behavior – be specific. If you’ve already talked to them about it, refer back to those conversations
b. Ask they to stop immediately – when this is a possibility. If they don’t, then strongly insist
c. Ask for help from your support system when stressed, especially if you feel in danger
d. If there are no other options, walk away with as much dignity as possible, without sarcasm or nasty get-even comments.

💗 Thank anyone who honors your boundaries

REMINDERS
• You can not set Bs AND take care of someone else’s needs! They’re mutually exclusive

• When you feel angry, complaining, rageful, threatened, suffocated, victimized, whiny…..  it’s the pain of not having your Bs respected. These emotions are like flashing red lights telling you something’s wrong – something you don’t like, can’t stand or hate. It means you have to say or change something

• Talk to a Violator from your ADULT ego state,
— since you will inevitably get frustrated & annoyed with someone you love & don’t want to leave, who’s being a pain in the neck
— you may need to express your anger, to get past your resistance to speaking up. Anger makes us feel less vulnerable when we’re afraid —
— AND there are people who will only pay attention when you get ‘heavy’, but getting Adult-angry is not the same as being nasty (from the WIC or PP)

✶ Avoid justifying yourself, apologizing for or rationalizing your needs – because it’ll sound like you don’t believe what you’re saying – so Violators won’t take you seriously either.
Say very little, OR offer a brief explanation – if appropriate & you feel ok doing it. It’s hard to be genuinely intimate with someone if you don’t tell them what’s bothering or hurting you

• At first you may feel afraid, ashamed or guilty when setting a Bs, so it’s it easier to let it slide.
— Do it anyway, the next time you’re with them – because it’s our job to let others know, & some don’t realize they’re trespassing
— Also, people don’t respect someone they can use, manipulate or control, even though they’ll try to get away with itangry at Bs

• Be prepared for anger, attacks, denial, opposition, resistance. Violators don’t like being reined in.
Don’t let their reactions make you doubt your rights! They’re just having a 2-yr olds’ tantrum when they don’t get their way. You have to be ready to enforce your needs, otherwise people will simply ignore you.

• The main prerequisite for good boundary setting is believing you have a right to them! When you’re sure, it will be clear to others even when you don’t say anything, AND fewer B-invaders will show up in your life

• ALSO: make a list of 5-10 ways you violate other people’s Bs. (ACoAs violating Bs) Work on correcting them.  You’ll  feel better about yourself!

NEXT: “What other think of me….”