PREVIOUS: What about EMOTIONS? (#3)
See post: “Not enough Love?”
REMINDER re. T.E.A.
• Most people (even healers & therapists) talk about Es as either positive or negative, but that’s not a realistic or correct way to think of them. Anything labeled ‘negative’ is always considered bad, & should therefore be suppressed or eliminated.
However, it is not healthy to suppress or eliminate Es! What’s most healing is to feel emotions in appropriate places & with safe people, so we don’t have to carry them around for too long. If we keep shoving them away they pile up & clog our energy pathways, like an old sewer. They harden us or we explode.
• ONLY our thoughts & actions are either positive or negative. To be empowered we need to keep track of our Es (with great patience & kindness toward ourselves), so we can be in charge of what we’re thinking & how we act on them. Emotions just need to be accepted & felt! (CHART from a TED Talk)
EXP: After regularly attending ACoA meetings for a couple of years, one young man explained: “I spent much of my life running from my emotions. I was convinced that if I stopped, I would drown in them. Finally I got so tired of running I just ‘sat down’, fearing the worst. Even though the waves of emotions came like a tsunami, they washed over me and kept going. And I’m still here – better for it!
Correction: Instead of calling them positive or negative, think about Es in terms of being painful or pleasurable, in varying degrees, from neutral to the extremes: Pa – N – Pl
Always remind yourself that Es are necessary & beneficial. Not having them or trying to get rid of them is like wanting to be rid of your hands or feet! Consider:
• Sociopaths are people who feel little or no emotions, doing whatever they want without remorse, guilt or shame. They have few internal deterrents to prevent abusing others because they can’t empathize with the pain they cause.
Many of them do understand intellectually that their actions create suffering in someone else, which may even give them some satisfaction or pleasure, but no identification with the sufferer, so they don’t care about the terrible effects they cause
• Narcissists (especially NPDs) can feel some Es, but mainly for themselves & assume that others feel exactly the way they do – about everything – like the N. mother saying to her daughter: “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”!
Narcissist say they ‘love’ someone, (a child, a spouse…), & may experience an emotion they label as love, BUT it’s all about themselves – only about their need to get something from the other person or protect themselves
In a symbiotic (boundary-less) relationship we hold someone so closely – like in a tight embrace – that we can feel them, but not actually see the real person. It’s as if we’re always looking past their shoulder, at the rest of the world but never making mental or emotional eye contact with our co-hugger, so in a very real sense both people are alone!
• While the WIC is terrified of letting go, ultimately the enmeshment is unsatisfying, since each person is in the clinch for mainly self-centered reasons. The reality is that:
✓ If we can’t be seen – either – we ca’t be loved for who we really are, nor get our social needs met
✓ If we’re only in the symbiosis to stave off fear of abandonment, we can’t grow & develop our potential
✓ If we can’t separate for fear of harming the other person, we can never be truthful, comfortable in our skin, or enjoy ourselves
HEALTHY: Legitimate patent-to-child or adult-to-adult love can see the other person clearly & always has the other’s well-fare in mind. A healthy parent would say: “Jimmy, I’m cold. Are you?” If the answer is “No”, the mother will let it go or add a sweater to the backpack….. (depending on the age of the child, of course)😇
NEXT: What about Es? (Part 3)