PREVIOUS: What about EMOTIONS? (#2)
POSTS: “Not enough Love?” CDs & Emotions (1 & 2)
SITE: ConneXions – food for thought, & decide if you agree or not
REMINDER re. T.E.A.
• Most people (even healers & therapists) talk about Es as either positive or negative, but that’s not correct language, nor a realistic way to think of them. Anything labeled ‘negative’ is always considered bad, & should therefore be suppressed or eliminated.
However, it is not healthy to suppress or eliminate Es!
a. Current, day-to-day Es can be felt in the moment, identifies & acknowledged without judgement. Then they dissipate.
b. Re-experiencing old pain – What’s most healing is to feel those Es in appropriate places & with safe people, so we don’t have to carry them around any longer. If we keep shoving them down they continue to clog our energy pathways, like an old sewer. They harden us or we explode.
• ONLY our thoughts & actions are either positive or negative. To be empowered we need to keep track of our Es (with great patience & kindness toward ourselves), so we can be in charge of what we’re thinking & how we act on them. Emotions just need to be accepted & felt! (CHART ⬇️)
EXP: After regularly attending ACoA meetings for a couple of years, one young man explained: “I spent much of my life running from my emotions. I was convinced that if I stopped, I would drown in them. Finally I got so tired of running I just ‘sat down’, fearing the worst. Even though the waves of emotions came like a tsunami, they washed over me and kept going. And I’m still here – better for it!
Correction: Instead of calling them positive or negative, think about Es in terms of being painful or pleasurable, in varying degrees, from Neutral to the extremes: Pa – N – Pl
Always remind yourself that Es are necessary & beneficial. Not having them or trying to get rid of them is like wanting to be rid of your hands or feet!
• Narcissists (especially NPDs) can feel some Es, but mainly for themselves & assume that others feel exactly the way they do – about everything – like the N. mother saying to her daughter: “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”!
Narcissist say they ‘love’ someone, (a child, a spouse…), & may experience an emotion they label as love, BUT it’s all about themselves – only about their need to get something from the other person or to protect themselves
• Sociopaths are people who feel little or no emotions, doing whatever they want without remorse, guilt or shame. They have few internal deterrents to prevent abusing others because they can’t empathize with the pain they cause.
Many of them do understand intellectually that their actions create suffering in someone else, which may even give them some satisfaction or pleasure, but no identification with the sufferer, so they don’t care about the terrible effects they inflict
IN a symbiotic (boundary-less) relationship we hold someone so closely – like in a tight embrace – that we can feel them, but not actually see the real person. It’s as if we’re always looking past their shoulder, at the rest of the world but never making mental or emotional eye contact with our co-hugger, so in a very real sense both people are alone!
While the WIC is terrified of unhooking, ultimately the enmeshment is unsatisfying, since each person in the clinch is mainly for self-centered reasons.
The reality is that:
✓ If we can’t be seen – either – we can’t be loved for who we really are, nor get our social needs met
✓ If we stay in the symbiosis to stave off fear of abandonment, we can’t grow & develop our potential & become our own person
✓ If we can’t separate for fear of harming the other person, we can never be truthful, see who they are & so can never fully trust them
✓ If we keep trying to live in the shadow of someone else’s aura, we’ll never get comfortable in our own skin, or fully enjoy ourselves
HEALTHY: Legitimate patent-to-child or adult-to-adult love can see the other person clearly & always has the other’s well-fare in mind. A healthy parent would say: “Jimmy, I’m cold. Are you?” If the answer is “No”, the mother will let it go, or add a sweater to the backpack….. (depending on the age of the child, of course)😇. Similarly with another adult – we ask & listen!
NEXT: What about Es? (Part 3)