Author: dmtorbi

ACoAs & CONFUSION – Growth (Part 5a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help ,

getting cleamerPREVIOUS: Recovery (#4c)

SITEs: “How to face Confusing Thoughts”

QUOTE : “There are few things more powerful than a life lived with passionate clarity.” ∼   Erwin McManus (iconoclast, artist, cultural thought-leader)


REVERSING life-long Confusion
It’s normal to be confused sometimes, & sometimes to NEED guidance. It’s when any of the situations listed in previous posts shows up at either extreme – too much or too little that we know something’s off. (see lists of “Unhealthy & Healthy Opposites,” in Part 4)

Externally: The main way we get confused is when others are unclear in any way (see Part 3d) and from Double Messages

Internally: While we can never know everything, it’s imperative that we start with ‘I know what I know’.
Clear thinking does not preclude or ignore INTUITION, which is based on subliminal or unconscious info we’ve gathered along the way. We need all parts of logical reasoningour knowledge base, from all 4 PMES levels.

1. Learn to apply LOGIC
INDUCTIVE reasoning – (bottom-up logic / scientific method): observe something & then use it to form a conclusion
EXP: Joe drinks a lot on a consistent basis, & when drunk he gets mean. You can logically assume that he is going to continue this way – for some unknown time.
THEREFORE it’s safe to say that – at present – he’s not good partner/ mate/ friend material, no matter how charming & clever he is the rest of the time when not drunk!

The problem for ACoAs is NOT that we’re not smart or observant enough to do this, BUT rather that we’ve been brainwashed to not observe &  trust our perception & experiences.
Denial is our default position. (See #3a).
But when we allow ourselves to see present-day reality using Adult eyes, we come to realize how crazy & bad things really were for us as kids – & in many of our adult relationships. This can be painful at first, but ends up being empowering – as we stop obeying the PP & be our own person!

DEDUCTIVE reasoning – (top-down logic) starts with an idea, belief, premise (X) – which we assume to be true, using general rules of logic, which hold true within a specific framework. IF & only IF the premise if correct, deduction provides absolute proof of our conclusion.

IF a premise is unproven or unprovable, it must be accepted at face value, on faith, or for the purpose of exploration. (More...), even when we don’t like the answer (The Serenity Prayer).
EXPs of X: All ‘men’ are mortal (philosophy) / I have inalienable rights (psychology) / God exists & is good (religion, faith). (More….. )logic

• Based on (X), we can consider what else might be true (Y), making rational & generally accepted observations, proceeding to an IF-THEN conclusion (Z), reached by generalizing or extrapolating from our initial statement. Some (X) premises can be proven (re. mortals), others cannot (re. God):

EXP a: If God is real & is good (X), then He watches over me (Y), & therefore I am protected (Z)

EXP b: X – all mothers always love their children
Y – I have / had a mother (reality)
Z – therefore my mother loves me (her child)
Of course, this second ‘X’ is not true, since not all mothers love their children. Y is true, but Z is not a guaranteed outcome!

2. Get more INFO
EXTERNAL Decisionslearn logic
Define the issue or problem you want to clarify. Try to formulate it honestly, even if you have to sleep on it.
ASK:
What is your Adult / True Self’s goal? What outcome do you want? Is it realistic?  What’s your motivation?
Write everything out & if you need help – ask someone trustworthy (sane) to review it with you.

INTERNAL Decisions
a. Make notes of all the conflicting points of view on a subject that’s making you ‘feel crazy’. Then put it aside & come back later. Ask someone to review it with you.

b. Try to identify the emotions under the mental confusion / resistance:
— you may already know the answer to a problem, but afraid to go for it
— the angry PP or hopeless WIC is stopping you, each having their own agenda for not wanting to proceed….

NEXT: Confusion #5b

ACoAs &CONFUSION – in Recovery (Part 4c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS : Confusion #4b

SITE: “What to do when unclear, confused ….”

QUOTEs: “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. ~ Hans Hofmann, German artist

• “However confused the scene of our life appears… it can be faced, & we can go on to be whole” ~ Muriel Rukeyser, American writer 1913-1980

RECOVERY CONFUSION is NORMAL (cont)
c. what we know vs don’t know
d. because of incongruity

e. family influences
What are ACoAs primarily ADDICTED to? Our family!
They installed our buttons & they can push them all too easily – any time we’re in contact with them. BUT not forever! Recovery does provide relief with S & I.

However, until then, dealing with our family (especially parents) means we can still be influenced by their dis-ease :
• In recovery, part of what confused us is that we underplay / deny how great our damage really is. Assuming it “wasn’t that bad” makes it harder to appreciate how much work it takes to heal
• The WIC wants to be loyal to them to not feel abandoned & to not abandon them! “I have to listen to my family. They KNOW.  I’m wrong & they’re right…..”

recovery confusionAll of this creates internal conflict (dissonance), having one foot in the old & one in the new – about ideas, patterns, awarenesses, choices… old introject (PP) tapes still blaring their poison, competing with the new info we’ve been learning. Very confusing. Who should we listen to?

We keep wondering: “What’s true? Am I just feeling my parents’ pain for them – so they don’t have to (because they don’t want to)? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Am I depressed?  Why can’t I get it? There are so many versions of ‘health’, & what about Spirituality & Forgiveness? Aren’t I supposed to turn the other cheek, take the high road?….”

Any time we get stuck in some area of life – we want to do it differently, but can’t seem to move – it means we’re in serious conflict – & the negative side is winning. Then we have to find out what the PP & WIC are thinking & feeling, so we can identify the “Negative Benefit” of not moving forward.
As we stay on the Path to mental health, we begin to experience our own Inner Truth. With the right info & support these Qs are answered & things get clearer.

f. because of the contrast – between:
• the way we were treated by our family & other abandoning, abusive, neglectful, torturing adults (school, religion, caretakers…)
vs.
• the way healthy, respectful, kind, loving PPT treat us – in the present – once we have enough self-esteem to place ourselves in saner situations.

contrast confusionThis new way of being treated is a tectonic shift & represents our growth! But at first the contrast just doesn’t compute, doesn’t feel real, can’t last, is an accident….

Our discomfort with ‘goodness’ points out the severity of the early abuse & neglect, which brings up rage & sorrow. Eventually we come to live ‘in the light’ of the positive, which then becomes the new norm!

CAUTION: S & I is very scary to the WIC, & intensely resisted by our PP. So, as we move away from damaged thinking & acting, there’s a strong pull to revert! The Program reminds us that our ‘disease’ is “cunning, baffling & insidious!”
It’s as if it has a life of it’s own & doesn’t want to be left behind.

SO – practice disobeying the Toxic family Rules – no matter how confusing. When we backslide / regress – we do NOT have to stay there! We will feel guilty at first, but that will pass as we keep up the self-care.

So, even when we hear the old tapes, they won’t be as loud – most of the time. We may still get confused occasionally, but now we have new tapes with better info, & slowly we get less trapped between loyalty to the family vs. loyalty to ourselves!

NEXT: Confusion #4d

ACoAs &CONFUSION – in Recovery (Part 4b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#4a)

 

RECOVERY CONFUSION is NORMAL (cont)
a. during any transition
b. when learning anything new

c. what we know vs don’t know
This kind of ‘not knowing’ is an indication of growth, the confusion part of any issue we’re working on (career, relationships, self-care….), & will be to different degrees for each. Our reactions will be too little AND too much :

i. Too Independent
With little or no guidance as kids, many of us are used to doing everything ourselves. What we can’t figure out – we do without! Even in Recovery we still believe we’re supposed to know everything, making it hard to:no thanks
• reach out for comfort, guidance & information
• make an effort to see what else is possible in the real world
• try out a variety of new ways to do things
• be OK with making mistakes or having to try many different options before find the right answer or right fit

We were trained to believe we’re supposed to be self-sufficient – both emotionally (“Don’t bother me / don’t be such a baby….”), & how things are done (“You figure it out / should know that”)…. without anyone’s help. So no matter how confused we are – we don’t want to look dumb or make a fool of ourselves.

EXP: You take a college course on a subject you know very little about, maybe just for credit, or because it’s of interest. But you don’t really understand the material & find that you’re floundering. You get the sinking feeling you’re missing something everyone else understands but you don’t know what.

So, as a ‘good’ ACoA we beat ourselves up – either we should already know the info OR be able to figure it out (“I guess I’m just too dumb”). But how can we? The whole point of taking a class is to learn what we don’t know! Believing otherwise feeds S-H.
This issues applies to work, relationships, self-growth…..

Having trouble understanding something means you:
• are rushing the learning process
• don’t have enough facts about the lesson or situation you’re in
• are trying to do too much, or everything at the same time
• are trying to use ‘graduate level‘ info before being solid in the fundamentals
ii. vs. Too Dependent (longing for symbiosis, someone to take care of us so we don’t have to).  Actually – there are many thing we DO know – and have always known, even as little kids. But we’ve been brain-washed by family (& sometimes church & society) to deny it, so it gets pushed it away or completely forgotten. The internal conflict makes us feel crazy. (“I know / I don’t know”)

We feel too lost & afraid to trust our own judgement, common sense or experience, so we constantly, compulsively ask others for info & help, even when we actually know the answer or what to do —
• as a way to stay dependent on others, esp. on authority figures
• trying to get validation because we don’t believe in our knowledge & intuition
• from being taught (usually by a religion) that talking about -even- legitimate knowledge & accomplishments is arrogant, presumptuous or the sin of pride

It’s true that we have many cognitive distortions (CDs) learned from family, BUT ACoAs are very smart & perceptive. We need to recapture the many truths we’ve suppressed & ignored for so long. It will UN-confuse us. REMEMBER: “I know what I know – but I don’t have to / can’t know everything ”.

d. because of incongruity.  DEF – when something is “strange, becausinconsistenciese it doesn’t agree with common principles, or what is usually expected”
CONGRUOUS: exhibits harmony in it’s logic parts, has internal & external consistency, is perceived by others as sincere or certain

For ACoAs, incongruity has to do with anything we’re thinking (CDs) or doing which conflicts with how the real world works. This is similar to ‘Old Patterns’ (‘Confusion-Part 3b, #g). When we try to function from our historical training in ‘normal’ relationships or work settings – we don’t get the response we expect or want, so we get confused – and we confuse others.

In Recovery – the main incongruity, at least internally, is between the False Self (wounded Adapted Child) & the fledgling True Self (healthy ‘UNIT’), how we’ve always reacted vs new ways we’re learning to apply.

NEXT: Confusion (Part 4c)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – in Recovery (Part 4a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help

normal confusion 

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#3d)

SITE: Emotional & Psychological Trauma

 

QUOTE: “One who asks a question is a fool for 5 minutes. One who does not ask a question remains a fool forever.” ~ Chinese proverb

IN RECOVERY
The opposite of confusion is clear thinking.
For ACoAs, this requires a certain amount of S & I, which allows us to develop a stable sense of who we are as an individual, what our rights are, & a decent amount of self-esteem.
At the same time, it’s appropriate to be confused in certain circumstances. Healthy adults use those situations to notice when something is incomplete or incorrect. It’s a cue to get more information, & ask for help or get verification. “Leaving home” (S & I) is scary & perplexing. From time to time it’s even depressing.

But the reasons for Recovery Confusion are not the same as those we’ve been drowning in much of our life.

CONFUSION is NORMAL :
a. during any transition, such as with personal growth.
In Recovery we’re moving thru completely new territory & don’t know what’s ahead, even tho many others have gone before & paved the way. We’re used to predicting all future events based on past experience – but the past we’ve been using is mainly based on childhood trauma.

So even if we’ve had some positive adult experiences, we still rely on what’s familiar, no matter how distorted or harmful – because that feels ‘safe’. But of course it’s NOT. The well-known ‘definition’ of Insanity is: “Doing the same (stupid/wrong/sick) thing over & over, & expecting a different (better) outcome”!NEW PATH

• At first we don’t know what to expect, or even if it’s possible for us to heal. We may not even believe we can achieve our goals of having internal peace & external success.

Yet many of us are compelled to keep searching for assurance. We want/demand a blueprint, & want to know how long it’s going to take, meaning – how fast we’ll be ‘well’. We hate uncertainty – it feels chaotic & unsafe. Transitions are always uncomfortable. That’s normal!

• BUT – by definition – growth means we can’t possibly know what’s ahead – not completely. We have to be willing to risk finding out what’s possible by changing our thinking & actions, to get that illusive ‘different outcome’. As we gather new information & courage, we’re encouraged to take more steps along the path. Otherwise there’d be no reason for the effort.

• Transitions include periods of time when we have to just sit with not knowing – we can’t use the old ways but don’t yet know ourselves well enough to figure out how to be. We don’t like it, but with persistence, we become more sure of ourselves. “I know what I know” applies even in transitional stages, which can help us feel a little more grounded.

b. when learning anything new – which includes reworking the original developmental stages. (See book “Cycles of Power” + comments ~ Pamela Levin). We get confused not only for the obvious reason that it’s all new to us, but also because most of us never learned process.

We’re impatient & want our progress to be faster than is humanly possible:recovery impatience
• we think we should already know things we never learned & which our brain needs time to grow into, because repetition is what makes the change – & that takes time
• we’ve been miserable for so long we want a miracle cure, & right now!
• ACoAs rarely have a realistic sense of time – how long things actually take – we think something takes much, much longer OR no time at all

• Always remember the analogy to having physical injuries. The greater the damage to our body (& our age) – from an accident, illness or surgery – the longer it takes to heal. And if we try to use / over-use a recovering part of the body too soon – before it’s had enough time to heal – it’ll be re-traumatized.
It’s the same for emotional wounding.
Recovery work needs to be done consistently – every day – in order to see progress, AND it cannot be rushed. 12-Step Programs remind us “Progress, not perfection”.

NEXT: Confusion (Part 4b)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3d)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

 

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#3c)

 

ADULT Confusion (cont)
1. Confusing OURSELF 
2. Confusing OTHERS


3. OTHERS confusing US (cont)
a. IGNORE Emotions
b. INCOMPLETE responses: Others can confuse us when trying to give us info, often in the guise of help – which is only useful if it’s what we need at the time, & in a form we can use.

Vertical – using School Levels as a metaphor
You ask someone for help or info at level 1 or 2,school levels because that’s as far as you’ve gotten about a subject / project / lesson…., but the response is given at level 3 or above.
 You won’t be able to use what’s offered, & be confused or fail – if you try to apply it before you’re ready.

Anyone who responds that way is NOT actually paying attention or asking you for some context (“Where are you in your process?”). More than likely they’re in a narcissistic / co-dependent fog & just offer whatever they know, have done, or would like themselves, without considering you at all.

Horizontal confusion
Someone will try to provide what they think is a perfectly logical answer, but is actually incomplete. It’s because they’ve left out a crucial piece of info somewhere along the line (X) which they assumed you knew, but of course you do not. You know something’s missing, so you ask for clarification.

It’s so aggravating when the person says: “Well, what do you want to know?” Since you can’t possibly know that missing piece, you can only say you’re confused. If you insist they explain more thoroughly, AND they can’t or won’t – both of you will get very frustrated, & possibly quite testy!

c. OTHER ways
How we can confuse others is the same as what they can do to us (Part 3c).
Motto: “If I can’t convince you, at least I can confuse you!”

Re. THEM – We get confused when someone:
• asks for something small & then when you do it, you find out there’s more to the ‘thing’ they want (a quick ride home turns into several stops to pick up a fiend, their dry-cleaning, cigarettes….)
• injects a comment that has nothing to do with the current topic

• claims slaughing atomething is a proven fact simply because it’s a popular belief
• doesn’t ask you for enough info when assigned a task or project, & then procrastinates or makes a mess of it

• never gets to the point, only talking around a topic
• makes everything into a joke
• smiles or laughs when talking about something personally painful (childhood abuse, a death, an insult…)

• talks really fast & doesn’t take a breath, but doesn’t say anything meaningful
• tends to exaggerate, even lie, so you can never tell what’s really true
• they claim to be or do something they can never live up to
• use complex words or long explanations to express something simple

Re. US – We can get confused when someone:
• accuses you of something you didn’t do or say
• ‘comes on to you’ but has no intention of following thru (a tease)
• does the opposite of a direct request you made
• doesn’t pick up on cues you give about who you are or how you feel, so treats you as if you’re someone else (in their head)

• expects you to read their mind (know what they want)
• ignores or insults you to your face, but praises you to others (parents)
• ignores what you’re saying, leaving you wondering if you were heard
• is symbiotic, assuming you are the same as them

• is usually ‘there for you’ in some situations, but definitely not in others
• only says what they think you want to hear
• reacts to your Adult or happy IC ego states from their PP or WIC   —> (Cartoon )
• reacts negatively to a positive or neutral statement

• repeats what you say – but in reverse (I hate holidays / Oh, you love holidays / Paint my room any color BUT brown / & then they paint the room brown )
• pretends to understand what you’re saying but doesn’t, letting you go on thinking they’re ‘connecting’
• says they’ll do something (“I’ll call you later”) but rarely or never does

• says “You know what I mean” without enough context
• twists your words / intentions against you
• uses emotions to manipulate (creating guilt, fear…)
• uses their authority to manipulate you into going against your principles or best interest ……

NOTE: Many of these can easily lead to frustration & anger! That’s normal. Remember – if you’re on the receiving end – it’s not you that’s off!

NEXT: Confusion (Part 4a)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: Confusion #3b

SITE: Journaling to deal with confusion, & more

• The VALUE of being Confused

• You confuse people, and that’s not a bad thing

QUOTE: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. “
~ Robert McCloskey, writer

SONG: Please don’t let me be misunderstood  (Duet on The Voice UK)

ADULT Confusion (cont)
1. Confusing Ourself (in #3a & b)
f. Confuse CRITICISM with ABUSE
g. Following OLD PATTERNS

2. Confusing OTHERS
REMEMBER: ‘Message sent is not always message received’.
Depending on how important it is to you to be understood, AND who you’re talking to – you may need to double check whether or not they hear you correctly, or have instead formed their own incorrect or distorted interpretation.
Un-recovered wounded people tend to filter what they hear, as a Projection, which colors input from others, especially if it’s scary to their CHILD (WIC) or criticized by their INTROJECT (PP).

Some ACoAs suffer from ADD &/or dyslexia – so some of these distortions come from ‘disabilities’ which can be corrected with meds, proper nutrition / vitamins, brain re-patterning….
BUT most often our limited / distorted ways of communicating are mental habits we developed as kids, learned from our family, school, religion…., & still used now. (See posts “How ACoAs abandon others”).

They help us to not notice or own what we think & feel, AND keep others at arm’s length. We Confuse others BY:
THINKING (cognitive)
• assuming the other person knows what you’re talking about, when they don’t know the bigger picture, or you didn’t provide enough details
• assuming you’ve actually told a person -out loud- something you’ve been thinking or obsessing about, but never did (often a plan or desire)
• never asking directly for what you want or need, instead drop hints &passice aggressive expect others to read your mind

EMOTIONAL / PSYCHOLOGICAL
• pretending you’re not upset about something but then it comes out sideways (P-A)
• by angry silences, instead of talking things thru with “I’ statements

• always shifting the focus on to yourself when someone tells you anything about themselves or just makes a comment about something
A: “I did really well on that test today”
B: “I never do well on tests” – INSTEAD of acknowledging or praising THEM

COMMUNICATION
• always asking what someone else wants, never stating a preference (what are you having for dinner / what should I wear today / where do you want to go?)
• answering a question with a question
• compulsive talking, so no one else has room to participate

• verbally jumping from thought to thought, with no logical sequence
• jumping into a topic mid-thought, leaving out the ‘first half’ (not identifying what  you’re talking about, or what are you wanting)
• not bridging into a subject, so there’s no context
• mainly talking in clichés, to avoid directly saying what you think or feel

confusing others• giving too much info at one time, without checking if others are following
• never making declarative statements – as in: “I don’t feel I can trust them (which is a thought, not an emotion), instead of “I know they’re not trustworthy”

• responding to a comment in a way that has nothing to do with what was said, as a diversion
• only talking about facts or action, or what everyone else is doing (acquaintances, politics, sports, work….), but never anything personal / ‘real’

• rarely if ever finishing your sentences, so you can’t be held accountable
• ranting at someone (verbal attacks) without being honest about the real issue
• repeating the same opinion, information, or story over & over, even using the same words every time

3. OTHERS confusing US
In dealing with other people, the #1 rule is: “If you walk away confused, they are confusing”. Do not assume it’s you!

a. IGNORE Emotions: when we’re talking about an emotional situation, & the other person responds with an action suggestion, thinking they’re being helpful:
Comment: “My apartment recently burned down, & I was there at the time. Especially painful was the loss of 2,000 books & my 2 cats!”
Some Responses: “Get new cats right away” // “So what did you learn from the experience?” // “Well, at least you’re alive!” // Laughter ….    UGH!

NEXT – Confusion #3d

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS : Confusion #3a

 

ADULT Confusion (cont)
1. Confusing OURSELF  (cont)
a. EMOTIONS with THOUGHTS
b. EMOTIONS with ACTIONS
c. MULTIPLE emotions
d. Making ASSUMPTIONS

e. Having UNACCEPTABLE emotions, in response to events, which we aren’t allowed, don’t understand, are afraid to feel, make us feel too vulnerable….. We’re confused, don’t know what to think about it

EXP: Crying when something good happens to us, when we feel cared for, when we hear something which rings true for us….
In each case tears come from a feeling of deep relief & pleasure – “FINALLunacceptable EsY I’m being treated well / being understood / getting the answers I’ve always longed for / being validated….. I never thought it would happen!”

EXP: Therapy client says “I’m just beginning to admit my uncle molested me when I was a kid. I’m really angry about that but I don’t know if I should be”.
She’s confused about her right to have a strong response to a severe violation, & needs permission

f. Confuse CRITICISM with ABUSE (“Criticism” posts)
Def of Criticism: an evaluation or opinion of the merits or weaknesses of an action, choice, decision, thought process….
– a careful discussion of something to judge its quality or explain its meaning
– saying that someone or something is bad

Any criticism is NOT supposed to be a de-valuation of a person’s whole being or identity, although it’s often used that way. Children & dysfunctional adults do not make the distinction between BE-ing & DO-ing.

Criticism should ONLY be aimed at behavior or of content, as in books, film…., as a way to evaluate & correct. In our families, however, it was used to attack our very essence.

• Confuse Alternative Suggestions with Criticism – ACoAs usually think in B & W, only seeing one way of dealing with situations. We use the same tool for every job, like a ‘hammer’, equally for pounding in a nail, changing a light bulb or petting a cat.

We don’t even realize there are potentially several other – positive – ways of thinking about & then responding to most people or events.
We’ll actually need to use different tools to handle different types of situations (humor in one place, stern boundaries in another….), although sometimes the same tool can be used but in modified form.
SO: Being given alternate ways of thinking or doing something by a reasonable person will be to simplify & improve our lives – not a judgement.

g. Following OLD PATTERNS
In the real world our intentions can easily be misunderstood & our actions misinterpreted – even when we’re trying to be ‘real’. We wonder “Why did they react so badly / ignore me? I was just trying to help / be friendly….”. People’s negative reactions hurt us, even make us angry – but mainly leave us confused. (POST: What just happened?)

CAUSE: As ACoAs, what we say or do doesn’t work because it comes from the WIC’s dysfunctional repertoire.
EXPs:
• being pushy & overly-inquisitive with new people or groups, because we so much want to connect & figure out what’s safe, misunderstood
➖ is considered intrusive, uncouth & tactless

• being distant, aloof, non-communicative, because we don’t want to be intrusive or disrespectful,
➖ are considered stuck up or a cold fish

• being argumentative, over-questioning, even a bit belligerent, because we’re desperate to understand something,
➖ is considered disrespectful, stubborn, ‘difficult’

• making a joke of very painful or abusive events (about ourselves OR to ‘help’ someone in distress),
➖ but get frowns, withdrawal or told we’re being insensitive (true), when we think we’re just trying to lighten the mood! ….

🗑️ We also STAY confused when we:
• believe that ignoring an unpleasantness makes it not real or it’ll disappear. When it comes back to bite us, we’re shocked & confused
• don’t recognize conflicting emotions & beliefs @ self & the world
when we:
• refuse to see & deal with what others tell us @ themselves (deny who they are)
• repeat old family patterns & expect a different outcome
• resist other’s attempts to tell us the truth / reality @ something
when we:
• try to get other adults to take care of us. Most won’t, & either avoid us or show anger at our neediness
• try to do too many things at one time, not planning things out & then fail or never finish
• try to please everyone else, but never ourselves, & then wonder why we’re exhausted AND not appreciated ….

NEXT: Confusion #3c

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS : Confusion #2f

 

 

 

ADULT Confusion

As adults, ACoAs tend to live too much in our head, yet are endlessly confused (a cognitive NOT emotional issue) because of all the mental spinning with CDs & S-H – obsessive & tortuous ‘thinking’.
We’re inundated by the ‘committee’ of internal voices we’re trying to ignore but can’t. Our crazy-making round-table consists of the WIC & various parts of the PP (mother, father, other relatives, school, society, religious beliefs….).

Our Reasonable Adult may even occupy a seat but doesn’t have a strong enough voice to win out. What’s totally missing at the table for most ACoAs is a Loving Parent ego state – the other half of the UNIT, to protect the WIC. What’s missing is our True Self, who knows that “I know what I know – but can’t know everything!”.

• Much of the time ACoAs are immobilized for ourselves – because:
– we can’t see who we really are, not allowed to admit what we truly like, need or want
– we’re afraid to make any decision, sure it will be wrong, & then we’ll be hurt (“I indecisiondon’t want to be alone this evening, but if I go to the event I’ll be judged by everyone in the room”)

– we’re can’t bear the idea that whatever choice we make will eliminate others we would also have liked — at the same time! (“I want to go to the party with my friends AND I want to go to the concert”)
– we’ve been taught to rarely or never choose what’s best for us in the moment (“I’m very lonely & sooo want to go on this date, but I really should stay home & recover from this wicked cold”)…..

SOURCES
1. Confusing OURSELVES
PURPOSE: • To obey toxic family rules, loyal to family dysfunction, we deny our rights, boundaries, emotions, intuition….
• to protect ourselves from getting even more abandoned in PMES ways & being punished, judged, made fun of
• to get out of being responsible for ourselves, our emotions & needs

a. Confuse EMOTIONS with THOUGHTS (review posts) —
— by using the word ‘FEEL’ 3 ways: a. Sensations (hungry, cold…), b. Emotions (sad / happy…) and c. Thoughts (I feel THAT…).
To become UNconfused, at least when thinking to yourself, only use FEEL to express categories a. & b., never c.
Ts vs Es
NOTE: Any time you start a sentence with “I feel…..” make sure the next word is an emotion word, & you can feel several at the same time: “I feel excited, but a little scared…. / I feel disappointed & frustrated, but resigned ….

REMEMBER: If what comes after “I feel—” is a whole sentence (I feel < > like they don’t understand me), then it’s a thought / opinion / belief or legitimate observation…. but no emotion is stated, even though one or more may be hiding in the forest of words.
Between the < > there is likely an unacknowledged emotion, as in “I’m <ANGRY> that they always misunderstand what I say”.

b. Confuse EMOTIONS with ACTIONS
“I don’t feel like going there / working today / seeing that movie….”. is about actions, not emotion, even though, again, there are some implied. It would be more accurate to say “I’m too scared to go there / I hate my job so I’m not going to work today / I get upset watching spooky movies, so…”

c. Having MULTIPLE emotions at the same time about a situation, especially if they seem contradictory. All we have to remember is that they arise from different ego states, & does NOT mean we’re crazy or wrong. Humans are complex.

d. Making ASSUMPTIONS (makes an ‘Ass-of-U-&-Me’) about other people or situations, because we’re going by old scripts (Ts) & old experiences (As), rather than observing what’s real in the present or checking things out.
ACoAs are intensely reluctant to ask for information or for help. So the outcome of events or relationships often are not what we believed or expected – confusing us.

• Re. Authorities (boss, doctor, teacher…). Because ACoAs are desperate for good, safe, knowledgeable parents, we endow authority figures with superior qualities that no one could live up to, & assume they’re going to provide what we didn’t get as kids. When they don’t live up to our expectations (or their claims) we get deeply disappointed, confused & angry.

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 3b)

ACoAs & CONFUSION as Kids (Part 2f)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confuing othersI KEEP TRYING TO CONNECT
but always seem to get it wrong!

PREVIOUS: Confusion (#2e)

SITE:  The Value of Constructive Criticism

QUOTEs: “I pretty much stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.” ~ Johnny Depp
•“If I looked confused, it’s because I’m thinking.”~ Samuel Goldwyn

Childhood CONFUSION : OTHER sources (cont)
3. Communication DISTORTIONS (cont)
c. Events NEVER discussed
d. Inappropriate information

e. Subtext – implied meanings we all get, but can’t always put into words. And it’s never kind or helpful!   EXP of subtext: “Even Johnny got an A on that test” – could mean: Johnny isn’t very bright // the test was that easy

AND for ACoAs – Painful stab-in-the-heart comments from parent to child:
• “You know dear, it’s better to have brains than looks”, means you’re not a pretty girl, so be happy you can rely on being smart (just trying to be helpful!)
• “I never expected you to understand”, means I actually expect you to read my mind son, but you’re stupid, or too selfish to bother considering me

• “See, she got one”. Perfectionistic mother is so constantly focused on daughter’s appearance, it makes the girl complain that she’ll never get a guy because she doesn’t think she’s pretty.
One day the 2 are out walking, & across the street mom spots an unattractive woman arm-in-arm with a plain-looking man – & points this out.
?? Does she really think she’s being ‘encouraging’ ?? while reinforcing daughter is ugly!

• Secretary – boss says she “needs xerox copies of certain papers – immediately”, no delay. Along with all the boss’s demands is the implied threat of punishment or dismissal – keeping employees frightened & compliant. As usual, the ACoAs worker rushes to obey, but finds those papers still lying around 2 days later! Crazy making.

• ‘You can do anything you want”. Sounds good, as if you’re given the freedom to pursue your own course in life. BUT in a dysfunctional family, children understand the subtext – even if they can’t describe it. Focus is on DO-ing rather than BE-ing.
Actually MEANS:
– parents can’t be bothered / don’t take the time & effort…. to find out what exactly you dreams of, or are inherently good at
– it leaves you with too many options, with no boundaries, and no guidance or explanation of process (HOW TO get to a goal)
– you’re only allowed to choose what the family approves of, so can’t make a mistake. Wrong one may cause a lot of anger or flat-out rejection
– no support, encouragement or admiration for the choice actually made

⬆ MOST important: whatever you choose to do in life has to make THEM look & feel good about themselves. It’s their narcissism – you’re not considered a separate person, only an extension of them.
RESULT: The ACoA either rebels – you do things to piss them off
OR you do whatever they told you to, no matter how unsuitable – & that you hate
OR drift & never quite decide.
Even more confusing is one of the Toxic Rules: “You have to always struggle, but can never get there.”

f. Silence as punishment : When a parent passive-aggressively (P-A) stodouble messagesps talking to their child, it severs the vital connection between them, always devastating to the child.
The angry adult may get temporary narcissistic satisfaction hiding behind their wall of disdain (“I’m more powerful, so I can shut you out”),
but ultimately P-A behavior is even more destructive than overt aggression. Virtually all interactions with a P-A person end up confusing & destructive (see post: “Anger Categories #10”)

g. Double Messages cause confusion because :
• we were punished if we didn’t know how to —> shop for our dinner, care for the pets, fix the washing machine, get all As in school….  AND
• we were punished (or made fun / teased) if we —> did things better than the adults such as playing board games, getting awards in school, making our clothes or balsa models, making friends….. (see posts: DMs, 1-9 & DB, 1-10)

NEXT: ACoAs & Confusion (Part 3a)

ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Kids (Part 2e)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

confusion 6I’M JUST FOLLOWING
everything I learned at home!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#2d)

QUOTE: “If you can’t convince them, confuse them” ~ Harry S Truman


Childhood CONFUSION : OTHER sources (cont)
2. Gender confusion (in #2d)

3. Communication DISTORTIONS (cont)
a. Conflicting information
b. Lack of information
– Expected to know how to do things by ourselves, even as very small kids, without guidance or practical knowledge: math problems, what to do when you get your period, doing housework, how to cook, do repairs to house & car, shop….. OR
– Not allowed to help them do things around the house because they were so  impatience, drunk or didn’t know how to explain

RESULTS : • believing we’re too stupid to learn
• not actually knowing how to do things, even basic self-care
missing info• unrealistic expectations re. what we should know (grandiosity) about everything, all the time. So we’re confused & full of S-H when we can’t be all-knowing & ‘perfect’
BUT
• if we did figure out how to do certain things on our own (ACoAs are actually very smart, determined & resourceful) we don’t valued the results of our efforts – convinced that if we did it, it can’t be very good.
We think our actions (skill & talents) are only kosher if someone else shows us ‘how to’, & says they’re acceptable! Even then we often don’t believe the complements & validation. SAD.

c. Events / situations NEVER discussed, explained or processed:
– broken promises denied, & never apologized for or corrected
– death of a family member (including previous children), a twin or biological parent you weren’t told about, disappearance of a beloved pet…with no time to grieve or reminisce
– fights so loud/violent that cops are called
– loss of jobs (often from drinking), with no acknowledgement or responsibility for messing up
– moving (perhaps many times) without preparation, or explanation….
– parents fighting at night, mom is black & blue

d. Inappropriate information: Using a child as an adult confidant
EXP: • While dad & brother slink off upstairs, drunk mom keeps young teen up night after night, forcing daughter to listen to her slurred ramblings – complaints about her bad marriage, money problems, hated relatives….. Next day no one -ever- says a word about it

• The child (any age) gets the message – in some form – that:
“You’re my only hope, no one but you understands me, I can’t have anyone else take care of me but you, you can never leave me”….. (More….)

RESULT: Besides feeling trapped & enraged, the confusion is about your role in the relationship. You’re being treated as a friend / caretaker rather than a son or daughter.
You like the feeling of being confided in & needed, but they’re never available for you to ‘rest in’, to rely on, to go to when feeling ‘weak’, needy, in pain, overwhelmed with the responsibility…. You’re only acceptable, petted, admired (if at all) for taking care of them.
SO – ACoAs end up believing that this kind of sick symbiotic connection is real intimacy!

Overt incest – aside from the horror of the violation & profound breach of trust – confusion can set in IF :
💨 the parent tells the child they’re needed, loved, being favored, BUT also threaten punishment & withdrawal of love if the child reveals their ‘secret’
💨 the child is a bit older & has ‘pleasurable’ physical reaction to sexual stimulation, while too young for sexual activity, AND not wanting parental attention in that way

Covert incest is even more confusing. Aside from power & control, thecaretaker child parent treats the child as if they were another adult – instead of caring for, protecting & nurturing them. (More….)  It can come in the form of:
• a mother half-dressed & flirting with your friends or dates
• a father lying around the house in underwear showing his privates
• a child being watched ‘hungrily’ while undressing or in the bathroom…
• a child treated as a substitute spouse by either parent – as when a mother “husbandizer” a son, or a father going to his daughter for emotional comfort
• children told lewd jokes, taken to brothels, called a slut, using sexual language about everything – all in the guise of “Ha Ha, aren’t I a cool parent!”

NEXT: Confusion #2f