ACoAs & CONFUSION – as Adults (Part 3c)

PREVIOUS: Confusion #3b

SITE: Journaling to deal with confusion, & more

The VALUE of being Confused

• You confuse people, and that’s not a bad thing

QUOTE: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. “
~ Robert McCloskey, writer

SONG: Please don’t let me be misunderstood  (Duet on The Voice UK)

ADULT Confusion (cont)
Confusing Ourself (in #3a & b)
f. Confuse CRITICISM with ABUSE
g. Following OLD PATTERNS

2. Confusing OTHERS
‘Message sent is not always message received’.
Depending on how important it is to you to be understood, AND who you’re talking to – you may need to double check whether or not they hear you correctly, or have instead formed their own incorrect or distorted interpretation.
Un-recovered wounded people tend to filter what they hear, as a Projection, which colors input from others, especially if it’s scary to their CHILD (WIC) or criticized by their INTROJECT (PP).

Some ACoAs suffer from ADD &/or dyslexia – so some of these distortions come from ‘disabilities’ which can be corrected with meds, proper nutrition / vitamins, brain re-patterning….
BUT most often our limited / distorted ways of communicating are mental habits we developed as kids, learned from our family, school, religion…., & still used now. (See posts “How ACoAs abandon others”).

They help us to not notice or own what we think & feel, AND keep others at arm’s length. We Confuse others BY:
THINKING (cognitive)
• assuming the other person knows what you’re talking about, when they don’t know the bigger picture, or you didn’t provide enough details
• assuming you’ve actually told a person -out loud- something you’ve been thinking or obsessing about, but never did (often a plan or desire)
• never asking directly for what you want or need, instead drop hints &passice aggressive expect others to read your mind

• pretending you’re not upset about something but then it comes out sideways (P-A)
• by angry silences, instead of talking things thru with “I’ statements

• always shifting the focus on to yourself when someone tells you anything about themselves or just makes a comment about something
A: “I did really well on that test today”
B: “I never do well on tests” – INSTEAD of acknowledging or praising THEM

• always asking what someone else wants, never stating a preference (what are you having for dinner / what should I wear today / where do you want to go?)
• answering a question with a question
• compulsive talking, so no one else has room to participate

• verbally jumping from thought to thought, with no logical sequence
• jumping into a topic mid-thought, leaving out the ‘first half’ (not identifying what  you’re talking about, or what are you wanting)
• not bridging into a subject, so there’s no context
• mainly talking in clichés, to avoid directly saying what you think or feel

confusing others• giving too much info at one time, without checking if others are following
• never making declarative statements – as in: “I don’t feel I can trust them (which is a thought, not an emotion), instead of “I know they’re not trustworthy”

• responding to a comment in a way that has nothing to do with what was said, as a diversion
• only talking about facts or action, or what everyone else is doing (acquaintances, politics, sports, work….), but never anything personal / ‘real’

• rarely if ever finishing your sentences, so you can’t be held accountable
• ranting at someone (verbal attacks) without being honest about the real issue
• repeating the same opinion, information, or story over & over, even using the same words every time

3. OTHERS confusing US
In dealing with other people, the #1 rule is: “If you walk away confused, they are confusing”. Do not assume it’s you!

a. IGNORE Emotions
: when we’re talking about an emotional situation, & the other person responds with an action suggestion, thinking they’re being helpful:
Comment: “My apartment recently burned down, & I was there at the time. Especially painful was the loss of 2,000 books & my 2 cats!”
Some Responses: “Get new cats right away” // “So what did you learn from the experience?” // “Well, at least you’re alive!” // Laughter ….    UGH!

NEXT – Confusion #3d

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.