Author: dmtorbi

WHY ARE YOU STUCK?

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , , , ,

unstuck LITTLE BY LITTLE
dismantle your prison

PREVIOUS: What to do when Confused – #7

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


WHY we’re stuck
There may be several reasons. Here we’re concerned with the many Toxic Beliefs* we carry with us from our childhood experiences.

✶ Our fear is strong & pervasive, but the main cause for that in the present is what we are THINKING! Change that & we’re free!
NOT being able to pursue & reach our needs & desires is caused by intense inner conflict between what we consciously desire VS the family rules coming from the Introject (PP = bad parent voice), whispering or screaming at the WIC, causing in S-H

• OBEYING the Toxic Beliefs guarantees that we stay trapped, continually failing, feeling more & more hopeless, even suicidal. BUT, they’re so much a part of us, we may not even know we’re being coerced by ideas that were created for us (deliberately or not, it doesn’t matter).

To get UNSTUCK – we need to know & own these self-destructive Rules, counter them & then slowly change our actions, ie. Only follow the New Rules!

IRONICALLY, these old beliefs are very hard to give up, because:
• the Inner Child actually believes them!pain
• following them represents loyalty to our family

GIVING them up would mean:
• getting in touch with the PAIN of our damage
• seeing what we missed out on (a loving, healthy family)
• having to give up what we thought was our ‘identity’ (our False Self
& one or more Roles)
• having to become our own person (S & I), grow up emotionally, make our own choices, be responsible for ourselves & our actions  – stop waiting to be rescued.

BELOW is one FORM to use whenever you want to know what’s going on in your head – what toxic beliefs are keeping you from getting what you want in life (use it separately for each topic or issue that’s bothering or confusing you), AND another FORM to make your corrections

➼ Please DON’T just say “I don’t understand this”, or “I don’t know how to do it” & give up.  That’s mainly resistance, even if you’ve never done this particular exercise before.  Anyone who has read self-help books & done therapy will definitely be able to fill these out, given some thought, but even if you never have, you can always ask for help from someone who knows you well.  Don’t worry if your answers are similar each time you use the forms. That’s to be expected.

resistSTART by identifying a problem you want to correct OR a goal you want to achieve, but haven’t been able to, so far. Suggested ‘Issues’ “What‘s stopping me from:
• starting a new career?  • looking for a new job ?  • leaving a harmful relationship?  • standing up for myself?  • letting go of my damage?  • cleaning up my apartment?  • studying  my artistic passion? ….”

1. FORM A – What’s familiar: using T.E.A. (Thoughts, Emotions & Actions), to ‘hear’ the damaged part of our thinking
•  Column 1. “Emotions” can be filled in right away if you’re very upset & know what you are feeling, otherwise —

— go to Column 2, filling in as many negative thoughts as you can (one for each category is ok if that’s all you can think of). Make sure you separate out what you’re thinking about yourself VS what you’re assuming about others (projecting)

•  If you left the first column empty, now add any emotions you’ve become aware of relating to the beliefs
• Then list the ways you ACT in response to those beliefs

2. FORM B – What is possible: Reversing patterns of thoughts & behavior will modify fear & greatly improve your experiences in life.
Use the same procedure as in Form A. but change the harmful beliefs to HEALTHY, positive & hopeful ones, & then keep the list with you at all times so you can review & internalize them

• Based on that –  you can practice changing you ACTIONS, starting in small ways, whenever you can. Plan ahead how you’re gong to change an old pattern & try it out.

• In this case the Emotions column is last because you may not know how you feel until you try our new behaviors & get some positive results. Don’t be surprised if you have uncomfortable emotions (as well as pleasant ones), which come from your WIC and/or PP.  Just let them be. Comfort your kid, tell the PP (Introject) to leave your kid alone, & focus on enjoying the relief & pleasure of living well (the best revenge!).

Sample PROBLEM :
“Why can’t I make & keep friends / lovers / bosses who are healthier, compatible & supportive??”

You may need help from a therapist, friend, sponsor or healer – to IDENTIFY the NEGATIVE and POSITIVE beliefs. Don’t be ashamed to ask!


MAKE several BLANK copies of these 2 FORMS,  and try it out on one of YOUR issues

NEXT : ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 1)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 7)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS: What to do when…#6

Questions: Personal Strengths Inv

POST: ACoA Time-line Inventory

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
3. PRIORITIZE // 4. OPTIONS

5. INVENTORIES (cont)
a. Venn Diagram Inventory (in Part 5)
b. Fill in the charts in the

c. OUTLINE in Part 6
EXP #2 – Woman with Bad Parent
EXP #1 – Man with Inner Child

EXP #3 – Adult to Wounded Inner Child
Adult: WHEN YOU (Inner child) constantly people-please or give in to a parent, adult-child, friend, lover (or potential), boss ……(A)
Adult: I FEEL (E) your longing, loneliness, emotional hunger (E) Qsand I know YOU BELIEVE that (T) :
no one is ever going to like you just for yourself, so you have to go out of your way to make yourself indispensable or at least to not make any waves – at all

Adult: BUT I PREVENT YOU (WIC) FROM:
stopping me from standing up for us (which prevents humiliation)
BY (actions & words – A & T) setting boundaries, saying what I need to take care of you, admitting I don’t know something, asking for something I/you want that’s fun, leaving harmful or unsuitable PPT (people, places, things), getting warm support…..

because it’s less painful than for :
a. You to FEEL: (E) rage, abandonment, boredom, sadness, frustration ….
b. both of us having to DEAL WITH (A): people taking advantage or walking all over us, ignoring, demanding, controlling, verbally or physically abusing….us

NOTE: An indicator of Recovery growth for ACoAs is not being ‘kid-whipped’ – when our Adult ego state is in charge more often. And being emotionally healed enough that we can say NO when appropriate without fear or guilt.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

INTERESTING: The human brain is a pattern-recognition machine – able to identify related things, connecting them into a meaningful whole. This skill helps us recognize everything from underlying themes in literature, to deep structure in science & math, to anticipating hidden complications in relationships, to seeing solutions to work problems. With experience, we gather a subconscious familiarity with the basic nature of the world which we can hardly verbalize, but instinctively act on

It’s why confusion can be so uncomfortable, but it can also have an up side:
a. NOT assuming there’s only one correct way to resolve a problem lets us explore lots of potential options, giving us a deeper, broader sense of the issues involved
b. NOT knowing answers creates a powerful drive to figure things out. We’re motivated to look deeper & more thoroughly for solutions, & so find things we wouldn’t have otherwise.

To encourage this, we can:
• expose ourselves to interesting but unfamiliar info
• tackle a new problem without instructions – instead of coming up with the ‘right’ answer – generate lots of ideas about its ‘parts’, & suggest potential solutions, leading us to perform better on future problems

• test ourselves before learning about a new subject – using only minimum info, like chapter titles. Speculating about material we haven’t seen yet will help us learn it better once we do look at it, having provided “fertile ground” in the brain for encoding knowledge when it’s eventually available (like answers to your Qs)

6. CONSULT
• Once you’ve done some inventories, perhaps considered some actions, you may want to run it by someone else, especially for the ‘big’ decisions. You have the right to ask & get help & encouragement from safe people, BUT ultimately the choices are yours alone

• Go to someone you know is trustworthy (not family), who will:
– just listen & not give advice (no agenda) & validate your emotions
– can help you work through any confusion you may still have, look at pros & cons, options, real limitation…..
– won’t be judgmental or expect you to have the answers
– provide mirroring (feed back your wishes & needs, not theirs)
– encourage your autonomy (“You CAN decide”)

• Ask them if you can book-end, used when you want or need to take an action that makes you nervous & unsure (Call for support, take action, call back with results)

• CHECK – After taking an action, did you get the concrete results you hoped for? How did others respond? Was anything missing? Were the benefits greater than you imagined?….

• EMOTIONAL – How did taking that action feel:  Make you happy & more confident, or leave you feeling empty or bad about yourself? Were you disappointed & less satisfied, or you did feel stronger & empowered ?

NEXT: Why are you Stuck?

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

 

PREVIOUS: What to do….#5

POST: “ACTIONS – healthy opposites”

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
3. PRIORITIZE // 4. OPTIONS

5. INVENTORIES (cont)
REMINDER: ACoAs were trained to thinking the worst about ourselves. So doing many different kinds of inventories is crucial. Knowledge is power, & we already know a great deal (“I know what I know”), & the rest we can learn. MOST IMP – every Character list needs to be a positive one, about our core Self & what we aspire to. This is crucial to being clear-headed, the opposite of confused. (More….)

a. Venn Diagram Inventory (in Part 5)

b. Fill in the charts in the “Why are you stuck?” post
Choose responses that strengthen your True Self. Which ones:
• have value & importance to you or to the activity you’re engaged in
• are realistically do-able, at your present level of skill & Recovery
• make you feel good about yourself, especially afterward
• keep you in reality, rather in escape mode

• are the most enjoyable for your Inner Child (must be healthyassessment)
• are the least emotionally painful (if all choices will hurt) – OR
• have the least harmful consequences to yourself – AND
• benefit your personal growth / recovery the most
• break a Toxic Rule – which will empower you

c. Use this T.EA. version of “Relationship FORM A” for yourself. ⬇ Pick any topic you’re dealing with
EXP 1.  The WIC’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 2. The PP’s reaction to something the Adult wants / needs to do
EXP 3. The healthy UNIT talking to the WIC (in Part 7)

These are not dialogues, but rather info about the damage ego states.
For that see the “UNIT” posts & Lucia C’s workbook.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ME: WHEN I (the Adult) WANT TO / THINK ABOUT (A)  __________________________
CHILD or PP: I/you FEEL (E) ______________________________________
because I/you BELIEVE that (T) _______________________________________________________
SO I/you PREVENT YOU/ME (the adult) FROM _________________________________________________________________
BY (actions & words – A & T) _______________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL (E) ________________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (A & T) ____________________________________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Qs

EXP #1 – Man with Inner Child
MAN: WHEN I WANT TO approach & talk to any woman I find very attractive

CHILD: I FEEL afraid, ashamed, embarrassed (Es)
because I BELIEVE that I’m not attractive, I’ll be awkward, won’t really know what to say, I’ll be boring, she’ll see right thru me (not lovable) ….(Ts)

SO I (WIC) PREVENT YOU (adult) from approaching an attractive woman
BY thinking I’m not good enough, they’ll laugh at me, “Who do you think you are…” (Ts)
— because it’s less scary than having to:
a. FEEL humiliated, rejected Es)
b. and/or DEAL WITH being ignored, OR ending up with someone I’ll either have to take care of OR who will try to control me (A & T)

NOTE: The WIC comes from S-H & FoA, so believes that ALL outcomes will end up in painful abandonment, never with any successful or happy ones. Paralyzing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

QsEXP #2 – Woman with Bad Parent
WOMAN (adult): When I THINK ABOUT giving up trying to stop you from drinking:

Pig Parent (Introject) : I churn up FoA panic & guilt in your WIC (Es)
because I (PP) remind YOU (adult-child) that it’s all your fault that I’m miserable (“Why did I have to have a kid like you!?), AND I n-e-e-e-d you (VERY confusing)
so that the kid (WIC) will stay convinced that unless you keep trying, I’ll die, & then you’ll die (Ts)

SO I (PP) PREVENT YOU (adult) from forming & maintaining your boundaries
BY making you remember how I (real mother) blame, whine, attack verbally / physically, drink more, get sick, am depressed, threaten suicide…. (As)

— because it’s much safer than having to:
a. FEEL my abandonment & S-H, being lonely, helpless, incompetent….
b. &/or DEAL WITH taking care of myself, being responsible for my actions (A)

NOTE: The PP holds the actual parent’s S-H & FoA, which we =as children – picked up as a burden to carry for them – out of love. But added to our own, it pounds us into the ground.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

❇ Identifying what our unhealthy inner ego states are telling us gives us clarity to counter the confusion, so our ADULT can override the self-defeating thoughts.

NEXT: What to do… #6

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

WHEN I’M CONFUSED
it’s OK to ask for help

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#4)

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
2. SIMPLIFY // 3. PRIORITIZE

4. OPTIONS (cont)
THE “LAW”: Being trapped as kids in endlessly dire situations without any possible ‘out’ left ACoAs with the Toxic Rule: “If you don’t like it you have to stay”. Controlling parents also taught us: “It’s MY way or the highway”  & “Who do you think you are?”.  Not only were we not allowed to leave bad situations, but we shouldn’t think for ourselves or disobey the ruling demigods – lest we be destroyed!

• That is how the WIC actually experienced our parent(s): as ‘gods’, and so disobedience = our death. If that seems extreme, imagine the terror in a small child trying to defy the angry, abusive authoriparents as godty.

OR, remember the intensity of your anxiety, as an adult, when you’ve said NO to a parent or mate, or tied something totally our of your comfort zone. Haven’t yet?  As long as we still hold these crippling beliefs we have little or no wiggle room, making it hard >to >impossible to take effective actions

EXP: Shona’s father had given her a few of his extra tools to use in her first apartment after college. 20 yrs later she was still struggling to making do with them for every repair job, no matter how unsuited they were for a particular task!

Eventually Shona realized this was a metaphor for the way she lived the rest of her life, & decided to work on expanding her sense of possibilities – starting at the most practical, undramatic level. Occasionally she’ll stop in a hardware store & just LOOK at the huge variety of items – each made for a specific operation!
Imagine making life easier by having the right tool!

APPLY this to all areas of life – & start by finding out what’s available – what are your options in a given situation. While there are realistic limits to our capacities & to what we can afford, they’re NOT nearly as narrow as we believe.  Of course with Amazon, eBay, Google…. – just about anything can be delivered!😀 Anyway – in T.E.A. terms, Emotions also come in a wide range, many ways to Think about something & a variety of ways to DO things.

The latter can certainly apply to small daily choices like what to wear or eat —> all the way to big ones like where to live, which job & relationship to pick or stay in…. One teacher repeats month after month: “Don’t be negative, just be open!” – a new rule to live by.

5. INVENTORIES
a. Venn Diagram Inventory
PURPOSE: to get an overview of where you stand on any aspect of your life right now
USE: You can make the chart into a collage, use the computer or just free-hand it on a large sheet of paper

The biggest circle (Spirituality) is the background to our whole life.

EACH person’s Diagram will look different.
If you’re ambitious or curious, you can make one for where you were 10 or 20 yrs ago, as a comparison.

• Think about all the areas of your life, & decide their relevant importance to you at present. Change or add any not listed.
• Draw / cut the size circle for each topic as it relates to their current importance

• Play with the positions of circles…. change them around until the chart feels right. Place them close to, overlapping or far away from each other, depending on how they connect in real life

• Label circles, & draw lines to form pie wedges in each one.
— You decide how many lines (slices) based on how many problems & victories for each – you’ll probably have to guess-timate
IMP: each slice represents an issue related to the circle’s topic

a. Fill in a slice for any aspect of that topic you’re confident you have a good handle on(never perfectly)
EXP: No longer use drugs & alcohol

b. Zig-zag or cross hatch slices that are aspects you’re still working on but making progress. The degree of progress in one may be different than in another slice. Make zig-zag density accordingly
EXP: Get to places on time more often

AND THEN: Most likely there will always be one or more empty slices – representing:
c. Grey– things about a topic you know need correcting / a change but are not ready / willing to tackle

d. Blank– problems / challenges about that topic you simply don’t know you need to work on – yet

NEXT: What to do…. #6

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS: what to do when…. #3

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
2. SIMPLIFY

3. PRIORITIZE
In most of our families – every experience carried equal weight – always boring & unavailable OR dramatic & dangerous. So we never got a chance to learn ‘sane’ ways of accomplishing things, which would include: Having options, nuances & small chunks…. (Part 2),
AND —
Prioritizing activities – what needs to be done, & in what order?
1. Most urgent first (a health issue, work project, returning a call….)
2. Housekeeping, maintenance – pick one thing each day & do it
3. Relaxation, entertainment & hobby – pick one thing a week & do it

When there are several tasks, ask yourself:
= What will take the longest to do? How much time do I have right now?
= What’s the hardest for me? Will I need help to accomplish it?
= Do I have to decide something right now? or have time to consider
= Which one will I have to study for, & what’s the purpose?

OR ask the boss : immediately (past due), in the near future (this month), in the next few months, or whenever you can fit it in. Al-anon teaches us to ask: “How important is it?”- literally!compulsion

• This can be hard for ACoAs to answer—
— if the goal, task, activity… is strictly for ourselves. After all, no self-respecting co-dependent is self-motivated 😟. We can move mountains for others but not even a pebble for ourselves!
— AND when the I.C. has a lot of anxiety & wants to do something – immediately, the self-destructive way, to douse the fires of old terror

• Will taking this action AND/OR spending this money create problems in taking care of my other needs ? (protecting my kid from more abandonment & abuse, caring for my health, paying rent, food, meds or other bills)
• If the answer is YES – then think twice about taking that action.  If the impulse is very strong, call someone who can help you deal with the painful EMOTIONS behind the anxiety pushing you. Do an Al-Anon phone meeting, pray or meditate, go to the gym, read soothing literature, take a walk ….

Once you’ve been able to made a priority list, only do one thing on it – especially if that’s all the time you have. If that one thing also needs to be cut down into chunks, do one & then mark it off.
Seeing tasks ticked off can be satisfying, & encourages us to do continue, the next day / next time. High powered executives only to a few things at the top of their list every day. Of course most of us don’t have a staff to do the little stuff, but REMEMBER – without inner conflict most things take a lot of less time than we think!

4. OPTIONS
One of the many reasons ACoAs have trouble making decisions is that we either don’t know that we have alternative choices, or we’re not allowed to make use of any options we’re aware of. We’re stuck following a pre-set course & nothing else is possible – for us!

EXP: It always amazed Bonita that some women could just walk out on a date if they didn’t like how it was going – more than one women in a restaurant has excused herself “to the bathroom” & then snuck out the back. What a concept!
In her younger days she never would have thought of that, much less done it. As a small child she was trapped in many situations, forced to sit alone in a church pew, at a dinner table, in a stranger’s home – without moving or causing trouble. “Children should be seen & not heard”.

• ACoAs are known for only thinking in B & W. Our traumatized WIC still doesn’t know there are ‘gray’ areas/ possibilities, & certainly doesn’t believe there are any actual positive, pleasant, safe options for us. We see ALL situations & people asscary, that have to be white-washed to make tolerable, because we aren’t allowed to leave when they really are bad for us. “Should I get a divorce or have a dinner party?” asked one very distraught ACoA woman. Hmmm.

NEXT: What  to DO when… (#3)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: What to do …(Part 2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
Before anything else we need to know what our goal is. Oh no! That means having permission, knowing our needs & letting our ADULT choose the actions.
What’s your bottom line GOAL? Are you pursuing it or still protecting your Negative Benefits?  EXPs:
• re. GOING OUT: is it to stop being so lonely & risk being disappointed, but maybe gain friendship, good info, new opportunities ….
OR is it to protect yourself at all cost by hiding out & continue starving!?

• re. WORK: is it to do a job search, no matter how long it takes, to find something more suitable & better paying
OR stay in a place you’ve outgrown or hate, so you don’t have to make the effort of improving your life?

• re. SELF-CARE: is it to gain a sense of personal power & get needs met (no matter how small),
OR is it to wait endlessly for someone else to come along & rescue you?

• re. ASKING QUESTIONS: is it to get help, knowledge, attention….
OR is it having to always be right, to know everything, to be ‘self-sufficient’?

• re. STANDING UP for yourself: is it to get a need met, without anger
OR suffer in silence & stay resentful?

• re. RELATIONSHIPS: is it to work toward & eventually leave a dead-end or destructive relationship that continually hurts you (even tho it may bring up pain in the short-term – but in the end be a relief, an opportunity to heal & the freedom to choose better next time)
OR is it to stay endlessly, & be in denial that it keeps adding to your low self-esteem, generates more humiliation, anger, sadness….?

2. SIMPLIFY
Small chunks – practice chopping down any task into bite size actions, based on what you can swallow at the moment. ACoAs are in the habit of being overwhelmed by goals in general, & by some that no one can possibly do all at once, but for some insane reason we think we should be able to!
In spite of the fact that current reality is usually not as grim as our childhood was – we still opt for staying overwhelmed rather than simplify whatever is going on in the present, right?

terrifiedClearly – that attitude comes from the WIC’s beliefs–
• who is terrified of breaking any of the Toxic family Rules because if we actually got things accomplished & our needs met via reasonably sized actions – that would trigger the ‘inevitable’ punishment of abandonment, from family or anyone else (RULES: “Must always struggle but never get there”, “Don’t outshine us”, “All risks are dangerous”)….
AND
• who is still convinced we don’t know how to do anything! since we were expected to know & do all sort of impossible things even as very small children, without anyone bothering to show us how or being a good example! Many of us got the message “Just do it!”

EXP: Anyone remember the 1980’s TV show “The Greatest American Hero”?  A high school teacher was given a super-hero costume by aliens, with the manual, which he lost in the shock of the encounter. Each episode was about how he had to figure out how to use the suit & all the trouble it / he caused because he didn’t know how it worked. Sounds a lot like our lives!
BUT
• who refuses to acknowledge all the years of accumulated knowledge & experience we HAVE gathered along the way since those early harrowing days, because then he/she would lose an excuse for waiting to be rescued!

NEXT: What to do when….. #4

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: Confusion – Growth #5c

SITE: “A Cure for Confusion”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

SUGGESTION: save “My Rights” & “New Rules” posts to all devices, & read them every day until they become second-nature

Reminder : Confusion (C) is a mental state – not an emotional one, even tho we usually say “I feel confused”. We can be confused about emotions – but that’s from not knowing how to think about / understand them. (See ACoAs & Confusion #1)

ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION
FIRST – on no account beat yourself up for anything you have or have not been able to do. It’s not productive – AND it’s child abuse! Never expect yourself to have the PERFECT answer, or DO the perfect thing. EVER!

This topic is about behavior – the problem of not knowing which option to choose when in a dilemma. It can be:
– relatively small, short-term or a daily occurrence
– something you’ve been struggling with for a long time
– something that has surfaced in your life recently
– a really serious, life-altering choice you need to make

• Al-Anon says:
“Take the action & let go of the results”, another hard thing for ACoAs to do. ‘Letting go’ is not in our vocabulary. Because of the WIC’s fear that the whole world is unsafe – like our family – we try to control every outcome.

BUT danger is not the only possibility now, in spite of all the bad things that do happen in the world, which we can’t fix.
Not EVERY situation or person is safe (idealized) NOR dangerous (devalued). We can search out good people & positive circumstances once the WIC & PP are no longer in charge!

EXP: Telling someone you don’t want to do something, or forgetting to make a call…. is NOT as dangerous as walking alone thru the Central Park at night, or depending on a narcissist – for anything…. Unfortunately, many of us are more afraid of the former than the latter!

• Train yourself to ASK, ASK, ASK for info about things you don’t know, & to clarify who other people are, how they think, what they meant by a comment, what they want (from you), what they have already done or are planning to do about a problem of theirs…..

• Stay present – watch & listen – pay attention to how others do things, what their motives are, what alternatives they have made use of… & consider whether any of it can be applied to your life. Then try it out. This is not just to be a copy-cat.

Whatever you observe has to be tailored to who you are.
The best way to learn how you function in the world is by trial & error – once you have enough info & a decent support system to guide you. Try out 2-3 different ways to say or do something, & then evaluate the results

• In most cases you can change your mind before or even during an activity without major repercussions, so decisions don’t have to be written in stone. Keep a dated log of difficult actions you took, & the outcomes.
ALWAYS have PLAN B. in case Plan A. doesn’t work out.

• IF you still can’t take a particular action, keep working on:
– negative beliefs, & the anxiety they create
– the connection to your PP (too strong) AND
– with your WIC & HEALTHY CHILD (not strong enough)
– validating your needs & hopes, while practicing with boundaries

EXERCISE: To separate & identify confusing / conflicting Emotions : stop, breath deeply & feel the sensation in your body – what’s authentic for you about the situation?  (More….) and (More...) and (More….)

NEXT: What to DO…. (Part 2)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, HEAL & GROW for ACoAs, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

PREVIOUS : Recovery Confusion (#5c)

SITE: Confusing communicators

REVIEW – See posts: “ACoAs & Confusion” —  not due to mental or physical diseases (brain damage, Alzheimers, psychosis, depression…..)


DEF: Any time we have trouble sorting out 2 or more conflicting / opposing : points of view, rules, options, desires, experiences, needs.
Being torn between the facts as we know them AND a resolution we can’t see or find, (being sure about the facts) because we don’t understand our environment.

Can be caused by:
• getting too much information at the same time
• learninScreen Shot 2015-07-20 at 4.54.04 PMg something new, & not knowing how yet (this or that?)
• absolutely not understanding some info, communication, instruction, expectation…
• not knowing what to do because of —
– having too many desirable options, but can’t do them all
– not allowed (internally) to admit what you really want to do
– not knowing yourself well enough, & so – afraid to make the wrong choice & then have regrets

EMOTIONS (Es)
You’re confused about how you feel – emotionally. You wonder :
= “Am I angry or scared? I shouldn’t be upset about the way that clerk talked to me, like I was dumb, but I am upset about having such a strong reaction…..

= I’m feeling sad & relieved at the same time about the breakup. Am I crazy?”…..
NO – not crazy, it’s just normal human complexity. Having a variety, even simultaneous contradictory Es is common, especially when considering that each Ego State has it’s own & they often disagree

EXP: Carla came to the party on her own, & wondering who all these people were. After a while she found herself talking with 2 older out-of-town business men, obviously colleagues & obviously married. They were charming, friendly & amusing – telling funny ‘war stories’  & how they’ve helped each other at work. Carla was having a good time laughing with them, genuinely enjoying their company.

At the same time, she felt sad inside, & checking with her inner child, “Little C” said she was sad because then the party was over she’d be going home alone & missing the fun!”

COMMUNICATION
WORST – severe Narcissists are dangerously confusing. They’ll crush any attempt you (target/victim) may make to figure out their agenda – to keep you constantly walking on eggshells, emotionally off balance & mentally confused (feeling crazy). Narcissists always need to be in control of every situation, & react accordingly to keep you in line

SECOND: those who knowingly leave out important info about themselves – that you need to know (married man, ex-con, addict….), or crucial info about a situation they’re in

OTHES Confusers – so you never know where they stand, where you stand with them, what they want….. They’re the ones who:
– talk a lot, but never say anything of substance (shallow)
– sound like they’re trying to tell you something – especially when upset – but just beat around the bush & never get to their point
– only respond in non-sequiturs that have nothing to do with what you’re saying
– lecture, pontificate…with no emotional content
(11 Posts: ‘ACoAs & Confusion‘)

LANGUAGE (T)
Most people are sloppy in their use of words & phrases, causing much confusion. (See post “Sayings that Misrepresent“)

❎ The most common is the word -FEEL- to mean 3 different states – physical, emotional & mental .(See post “Feelings aren’t facts”
• Repeating words they don’t know the actual meaning of (co-dependent, introvert – when they mean shy…. )
• Using a word that sounds like another but with totally different meaning (flamingo instead of flamenco)

• Misusing words (that’s schizophrenic, your crazy, pathological… ) when we’re angry at someone
• Vague words, usually about some emotional state, but unspecified (upset, triggered, off, out of it, acting weird, not themselves…. ).
Is the person unusually angry, sad, scared, nervous, withdrawn, unusually angry, cranky… ?

• Using this word as a pejorative, “Don’t be so emotional, women are too emotional…” by which someone means they’re angry or crying.
BUT emotions come in a wide range of colors.
Why can’t “they’re being emotional” also mean “they’re so excited, thrilled, happy-shocked….!” ?? And yes, maybe even crying a little!

NEXT: What to do …#2

ACoAs & CONFUSION – Growth (Part 5c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS: Recovery  (#5b)

SITE: Neuro-marketing: The Science of Decision Making

QUOTE: I simply can’t build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery & death….I think…peace & tranquility will return again” ~ Anne Frank (Jewish German-Dutch diarist)


‼️REVERSING life-long Confusion (cont)
4. Grow the ADULT/PARENT
5. RESOLVE internal CONFLICTS
6. Take SOME Action

7. OUTCOMES
They are by definition, about the future, whether 5 seconds or 5 yrs from now. But ACoAs want to know how everything is going to turn out NOW, to quell a little of our enormous anxiety. We assume that without our vigilance & interference (control) we’ll always be in danger (lose), as in childhood.

What danger?
• Aa kids we were treated equally harsh – for spilling the milk, not knowing how to do math, talking back, stealing something, fighting…..
No nuances, no degrees of value, no room for a lack of info or experience, for accidents, human error, or just being a kid. The unfairness & lack of proportion was very confusing – and enraging!

• In the present, ACoAs continue to give the same importance to all situations & all outcomes. This causes confusion which can paralyze.

a. Responsibility – We do need to step up – for ourselves, so our efforts have at least a chance of being favorable. How well things turn out generally depends on having healthy beliefs & ‘right’ actions – from the UNIT – plus helpful outside forces.

Many times :
i. NEW-ish: we can make an educated guess about the outcome of an unfamiliar date, meeting or event. This is not mind-reading, projection or wishful thinking.
Rather, such ‘predictions’ are based on logic, knowing what’s real & sane, intuition, education, & many previous experiences
But having been taught to deny all of these – we rarely use them – for ourselves

ii. REPEAT: If we’ve been through a particular situation several / many times, AND are willing to acknowledge what we’ve observed & felt, we can give up poor choices without a lot of agonizing, like:
• NOT going to an abusive parent for emotional comfort, ever again
• NOT dating an addict or other narcissist, again
• NOT taking another job that doesn’t suit our talents & goals
• NOT-not dealing with our money / bills wisely….

b. Control – However, here are things in life we’re not responsible for! – mainly what others think & do. And many situations we can’t manipulate or predict the outcome of.
i. UNKNOWABLE: things we can’t control or predict, because we’re not all-powerful, as some ‘spiritual’ or philosophical teachings insist. Even very ‘psychic / sensitive’ people don’t have all the answers!

We usually can’t know things like  —
• if medical tests, procedures or medicines will give us answers, will heal or harm us
• how everyone else (or us) is going to react when pushed to their limit
• when we’re going to met the ‘right one’unknown path
• how our children will turn out, really
• whether cold-calling will get us business
• when we’re going to die (usually) ….

ii. UNKNOWABLE: when we don’t have any or enough info about something ahead of time, like how a new experience is going to turn out (first time in a group, moving to a new job or location…. ), what value we’ll get from taking a class, how our relationship will work out in the long run, where Recovery will take us in life….

ACoAs believe we’re supposed know everything – and perfectly, & feel ashamed or self-hating when we don’t. This is narcissistic magical thinking which sends many ACoAs into a panic, even paralysis, because the WIC assumes if we’re powerless we’ll always suffer, as in childhood

EXP: Whatever you may think of the Kardashians, Kim’s comments to Oprah about the ‘reason’ her 1st marriage broke up after 2 1/2 months speaks to the lack of info: she said they had never spent time alone with each other, so once they were under the same roof every day, she realized they were NOT at all compatible.

• This can remind us that most situations – especially relationships – need to be researched more thoroughly before jumping in. So we’re back to: “Take the action & let go of the result”, or – do the best you can & learn from each outcome. Look before you leap! LACK of INFO can certainly lead to CONFUSION.

NEXT: What to do when confused #1

ACoAs & CONFUSION – Growth (Part 5b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Recovery Confusion (#5a)

SITE: 🔺 “Overcoming Anxiety & Confusion”
🔺 Uncertainty and Cognitive Control

🔺 “8 Ways to Eliminate Brain Fog Once & For All”

QUOTE:”Good communication is the bridge between confusion & clarity” ∼ Nat Turner (slave rebel leader)

A Zen Buddhism story
Two monks were walking along the banks of a river. They saw a young woman who was afraid to cross. Although the monks had taken vows never to touch a woman, the older monk picked her up and carried her to the other side of the river. The younger monk was angry about it all day.
The two didn’t speak until sunset, when they were allowed to break their vow of silence.
Then the angry younger monk accused the older monk of polluting not only himself but also the whole order. The older monk simply answered, “I put the woman down on the other side of the river early this morning. It is only you who have been carrying her around throughout the day.”

REVERSING life-long Confusion (cont)
1. Learn to apply Logic // 2. Get more info

3. Get VALIDATION
Because our parents provided no mirroring or very distorted feedback about who we are, we think we’re invisible – both internally toconflicted ourselves (“I don’t know who I am”), & externally to others (“No one gets me”).
As adults we can reverse this training by risking what we fear the most – any form of abandonment.

4. Grow the ADULT/PARENT ego states
Since our internal confusion comes mainly from the PP & WIC, we need to form & strengthen the UNIT so that it can be the decision-making voice.

Posts: Book-ending // Problem-solving // My rights // Why are you stuck?
USE: relevant books, YouTube, 12-step Programs, spiritual groups, therapy …. to learn what’s normal & healthy.

5. RESOLVE internal CONFLICTS
‘Being stuck’ always includes intense internal conflicts we don’t know how to resolve, or are unwilling to do the Recovery work it would take. They are mainly in the form of frustrating disagreements – between the WIC (obeying the PP) & the UNIT, or the Unit fighting against the PP’s injunctions – between old damage & new Mental Health

The goal of Recovery is to get the PP completely separated from the WIC, so that both Healthy & Wounded parts of the Inner Child can align themselves with our healthy Adult/Parent.
STEPS
a. List real Needs (Parts 1 & 2) of each ego state – not the WIC’s outrageous demands (Part 3). ‘Normal’ childhood needs: acceptance, approval, attention, emotional comfort, physical contact, security & stimulation

b. Write down conflicts between the various opposing ego states
c. Inner Selves must agree to help each other get those needs met, brainstorming as many ideas as possible

• When Loving Parent & Inner Child are on the same page about any given subject (shutting out the PP) – the conflict melts away & useful choices seem self-evident. Whatever actions we’ve been dragging our feet about suddenly are easy to do, & usually don’t take much time. But when we’re deep in our damage, all our time is spent obsessing, worrying, planning, complaining… but NOT acting

6. Take SOME Action
Once we’re ready to focus on taking some kind of appropriate action, we can consider the next part of the process.
It may be something we’ve been thinking about for a long time but couldn’t move on, or something shifted in us so we formed a new way of thinking about the problem, which quickly translates into a new way of functioning.
*️⃣You don’t have to know if the action will lead you where you want to end up. But it can tell you if you’re on the right track or not

• Break down potential tasks into bite-size pieces – called process
• Identify the ones you know how to do, & the ones you don’t – & get the missing info
• Choose the simplest action you can & take it – one phone call, one evening class, one hour of internet searches….
• Don’t give up. It’s OK to take breaks but then start again & keep trying new things. It can eliminate some confusion & you’ve possibly learned something along the way (More….)

NEXT: Confusion – Growth #5c