EVERYONE LETS ME DOWN – so I stay away from everyone
PREVIOUS: Disappointment – Part 1
SITEs: • “How to Cope with Disappointment”
▪︎ Psychology of Disappointment
EXPECTATIONS (Review posts – Over and Under)
No matter which form it takes, expecting others to fill our empty heart & mind, instead of being pro-active, means:
• the WIC is still running our life, waiting to find the ‘right’ parent – magically – so we don’t have to care for ourselves
• we’re functioning from our narcissism – always from the point of view that “Everything is about me!” (and against me)
This assumption was not true about the abuse we grew up with, & it’s not true about what people do to us & around us – now. (ACoA 3 Cs : I didn’t cause – the chaos & trauma”)
We know this because when WE change, in Recovery, those same hurtful responses from others seem to bother us much less!
ARTICLE: “Managing Negative Expectations” w/ chart
ACoAs get disappointed (D) by so many things, because the WIC desperately wants the world to be a certain way (to meet all its needs) rather than our Adult noticing AND accepting the way things are – both good & bad – in our environment.
IRONY: With reality in clear view, we can get our needs met by choosing among the many options that are actually available in the present!
1. COVERT Types of Disappointment
Because we’re not allowed to know our wants, needs & emotions, NOR to ask for anything, we imagine (silently expect, demand) that others will read our mind & provide for us – which comes from the WIC
• We truly believe that if we want something a certain way – without saying it – it will automatically happen
EXP: Your B/day (or any holiday that’s important to you) is coming up & he hints that you’ll do something together. You have it all planned out – exactly what you want to do, how it will look & feel.
But you never say any of it.
Then the day comes & it turns out very differently – maybe not bad, but not what you imagined. Now you’re angry at him, unappreciative, cranky, attacking – OR you decide he doesn’t really love you at all, you don’t feel the same about him…..
OY! You’re deeply disappointed, but how was he supposed to know?
• We naively assume that everyone means what they say, OR will do what they promise. To ‘feel’ safe we need to believe that others are as literal (& ‘responsible’) as we are
EXP: Josie says she’ll bring the book to work tomorrow that you’ve been wanting to borrow. You not only believe it, but count on it, looking forward in anticipation. Tomorrow comes & she’s ‘forgotten’ the book. You’re angry. You’re convinced she’s messing with you, she lied, she…..
• When going into a new situation (class, work, relationship), the WIC presumes they will be safe, needs the people to be helpful, informative, consistent, appreciative, respectful…. & then they’re NOT. Sometime it/they turn out to be very ‘bad’, but most of the time they’re just not what we secretly (unconsciously) needed & expected.
We’re disappointed, so we get depressed or really mad.
📢 If you’re an introvert, or still in Victim mode, you’ll just sulk, withdraw, not participate, sit in misery, or leave without saying anything
More HUMOR from Grant Snider
NEXT: ACoAs & CONFUSION