I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF at all costs

PREVIOUS:  Rigid Bs (# 1)

SITE: Families & Groups with Rigid Boundaries

BOOK:  Boundaries & Relationships,
— Charles Whitfield

OUR DAMAGE:  As a result of boundary invasion throughout childhood, ACoAs didn’t develop our own. So our options are:
✓ Thick walls, when both inner & outer Self are barricaded
✓ No Bs, where we let everyone tramp in & out of our head & heart
✓ Partial Bs, protecting only some parts, such as the inner but not the outer Self – usually based on previous bad experiences in similar situations

⚙︎ INFLEXIBLE 
Rigid Bs effect us & everyone we interact with, BY:
• ‘Abandoning’ ourselves – we ignore or eliminate so many available options that we can’t properly do self-care. Spiritually, we don’t take personal responsibility for our values….
• ‘Abandoning’ others – we withdraw, sulk, shut down & hide behind our wall, making it almost impossible for anyone to love, help or appreciate us

⚙︎ PHYSICAL
Stability helps us feel safe, which is very important to us, so all activities have to be predictable – no room for spontaneity or fun, last-minute opportunities, trying new things….  WE:
• are stoic, have stiff body posture, maybe “stone faced”, trouble giving or receiving physical affection (afraid to let go), don’t like to be touched or hugged….
• are sexually cold or just disinterested, have perfunctory or pity-sex, OR are promiscuous without deep enjoyment, don’t use protection
• under-react to personal or external events, whether pleasant or unpleasant, or not at all

⚙︎ EMOTIONAL – WE:
• are aloof & disinterested, insensitive to anyone else’s feelings
• don’t seem to identify with other people’s problems, do not want to hear their troubles, especially when very upset or crying
• don’t trust anyone, generally suspicious of other’s motives, can be somewhat paranoid
• fear with abandonment and engulfment. No one can get close (staying too busy, pick fights, make plans & then cancel or just not show up…), to avoid being disappointed, hurt, or taken advantage of
• have few or no close relationships. If we do have a partner, it may be in separate places or with little shared social life
• seem emotionally numb, don’t show or talk about feelings & emotions, rarely share personal info
• struggle with loneliness, self-disgust, anger & self-control, but cover it well

⚙︎ MENTAL – WE:
• are more likely to lie, even about unimportant thing OR omit important facts
• don’t know how to make small talk. Are afraid to say the wrong thing
• don’t like giving anything to anyone. Refuse most social invitations
• have trouble identifying needs, wants & dreams
• ignore all feedback. If it’s criticism, it validates our belief that everyone’s against us. If it’s positive we assume it’s not real
• ‘listen’ to others without responding, in our own little world
• stick to pre-conceived ideas (from childhood), with no room for anything new

⚙︎ SOCIAL – WE:
• feel like no one really knows or understands “the real me”
• generally – unconcerned with the world outside of own borders.
• have trouble receiving from others. If someone offers – we get mad or defensive
• won’t ask for help when needed, don’t know who to ask, believe no one will help anyway, so why try?
• make an effort to go for some goal – BUT all alone, & if we can’t achieve it right away, or fail, we stop trying & do without

Love requires Trust, & trust requires (appropriate) vulnerability.
ACoAs with rigid Bs sabotage any shot at healthy love by shutting out anything unfamiliar…. We keep everyone at arm’s length, pick the wrong people to trust, mistakenly associate all humans with the painful events of the past, assuming everyone is as dangerous as our family was / still is

Unrecovered, all wounded ACoA fear being vulnerable, because it means :
• our WIC will be exposed without protection because we don’t have a Loving, capable Inner Parent
• w’re not allowed access to our human rights & Bs, so are easy prey

BOTTOM LINE: Rigid boundaries are walls built around us as a substitute for real ones. (see Healthy Bs.) They’re meant to keep us from getting hurt again, & trying get our needs met, by insisting everything be OUR way
UNFORTUNATELY they don’t work to our benefit. We just end up starving !

NEXT:  Healthy Boundaries – INFO (#1)