Procrastination

ACoAs: DIS-comfort & Comfort (Part 3a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

uncomfortable brainI HATE HAVING TO
wait for results!

PREVIOUS:
Dis-comfort & Comfort #2b

<—- CHART 

SITEs: How to Practice Being Comfortable in Uncomfortable Situations
— 3 Rules for uncomfortable conversations  (excellent) 

QUOTE: “Growth & comfort do not exist” ˜Ginny Rometty, CEO of IBM (Article)

1. Negative Comfort ➖➕
2. Negative Dis-comfort ➖➖pos-disc

3. POSITIVE DIS-COMFORT ➕➖
Trying out new healthy thinking & actions make us feel anywhere from uncomfortable to highly anxious. It means disobeying each toxic rule, going against our training, dropping off of the family mobile, & bottom line : forcing the brain to find new pathways of functioning.

Too much prolonged stress causes physical ailments & psychological paralysis. That’s why we need to go slowly. Work on whatever issues you can tackle at the moment – ones that are the least scary. As you grow you’ll gain the emotional strength & mental clarity to tackle deeper one – like really ‘getting’ how much damage you have – without S-H or overwhelm, letting go of unsafe family, friends. jobs, locations……

For ACoAs, Growth means leaving behind our unhappy childhood to take our rightful place in the world – living in our True Self.
This is very uncomfortable because our family discouraged & punish any effort to exert ourselves – for ourself. And since personal growth is a slow process. we often live in uncertainty & confusion – between what we’ve always thought & felt, & what we aspire to become. In-between states are always uncomfortable & sometimes scary, but as we keep going we do see positive changes that encourage us. “Easy does it, but do it” (MORE...)

PROCESS  (See post)
☛ Get started. This is often our biggest difficulty – putting things off that we actually want to do! as well as those we dread or find too tedious to bear, for all the reasons listed in previous posts (procrastination).  What’s ironic & sad (for ourself) is that most of the time when we finally take the action it’s not such a big deal, doesn’t take as long as we thought, & we usually like the result – or at least are relieved. (see posts re. Action)leaving-home

☛ Don’t Quit. Some of us are over-responsible, over-doers…. & others of us just obsess about doing, but rarely pull the trigger. Then there are the in-betweeners – those of us who start things but never seem to get around to continuing (keep going to the gym, stick to a food regimen, attend meetings….) or finishing  projects. (See posts “Manipulating – 2b & 2c”). The WIC & the PP get in the way of going for the gold, so we let ourselves get distracted.
The 3 As are useful here:
1. Become Aware of what’s really stopping you from pursuing a positive goal. It will always be something from our earliest training & experiences.

2. Be in Acceptance – allow yourself any emotions the awareness brings up. Don’t try to fix or change deep-seated patterns by brute force (control, S-H, “forcing solutions“). Continue using all the tools of Recovery programs & remember that re-forming your brain takes time & persistence.

3. Take Actions. Give yourself credit for the actions you are already taking. Don’t fret about what you can’t DO yet.  If you’re confused about what to do, make a list of the things you used to be interested in &/or still are. Look up what’s available in classes, groups… that can get you started. Some (useful) action is better than none.
If you’re stuck for ideas, talk it over with safe people who know you & can give you suggestion.
Then follow thru. You don’t have to know what the end goal is & you don’t have to like the choice you’ve made – it’s won’t be a life changing mistake – only more info about who you are.

There’s no doubt that all forms of growth (personal, professional…) take courage – which means taking actions in the face of our fear. Courage is not needed if we’re not afraid, but we can’t wait until we’re not afraid to try new things. (⬅️ CHART)

 NEXT: Dis-comfort & Comfort #3b

ACoAs & PROCRASTINATION (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , ,

self-motivationTHERE REALLY ARE THINGS
I can do to get going

PREVIOUS: Putting things off, #3

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

SITE: ‘Beating Procrastination’

 

2. NOW we put things off because of…. (in Part 3)
3. WHAT makes it HARD to act
a. Internal FEAR of // b. External FEAR of….

Internal & external fears can show up as: (cont.)
• Putting off tasks. Many of us find that our whole life is permeated with the ‘habit’ of waiting to the last-minute to do things. It doesn’t seem to matter whether the ‘thing’ is something we would like to do or something we dread. We just put it off & off & off.

— Then comes crunch time – the deadline has caught up to us. We’re in a panic, scrambling to do the task, but now it’s going to be half-baked. We don’t have enough time to do a thorough job, don’t read the instruction correctly (or at all), leave out or miss something. And by leaving it tot he lat minute it can never be done right
— OR the deadline has past & we don’t get the benefit of a discount, miss a class or a needed product, a reunion, a party….

▶ Of course we’re painfully aware of all this, but as long as we’re stuck: worried
— we’re full of anxiety & S-H for not doing it Perfectly
— we scare ourselves with dire projections & predictions about how we’re going to get judged, punished, fired….
— hate ourselves for letting a desired or favorable opportunity pass by

But, like any good addict, we’ll do it the same way all over again, & again! WHAT? How can this be an addiction? WELL…. in this case it’s the addiction to: Fear + Adrenalin + S-H = Drama. This formula has become so much a part of our lives since childhood that we keep doing things (or not) to re-enforce the chemical surges it creates.

Yet under this self-inflicted ‘excitement’, the WIC is just trying to protect itself the only way it knows how – by NOT doing anything. Yet it’s not enough to just label it as part of our ACoA damage, which it is. We need to know how it all got started (Past) & how we perpetuate it (Present).

4. GOOD Stuff can deter us too – we often sabotage when things get too good!
• fear of success, as that would disobey basic Toxic Rules, and we’d have a lot of responsibility which the WIC believes it can not handle – even tho our adult can/could

• not allowed to be happy, based on the belief that life is hard, exclusively, AND that we aren’t worthy of having good things anyway
• stay loyal to the family by not out-doing them – we must also be a failure, don’t show them up, stay in the family mobile, don’t rock the boat…

• can’t be decisive: sometimes there are places we thinks we should go to, but really didn’t like, or we don’t feel well, or want to do something else, or do nothing at all…. even when it’s potentially pleasurable or valuable.

But we aren’t allowed to say NO to the inner Pressure-er (“what will they think if I don’t show up? / what if I miss out on something / maybe this will have the perfect answer to all my problems?….”). So instead of firmly deciding Yes or No, we dither & obsess, do nothing & then hate ourselvesindecisive

• are never supposed to say NO to what someone else suggests, offers, wants – especially if it’s good for us. Besides “Why do they want to be with me? Why are they being so nice?” So for those times we don’t rush to people-please, we make promises we eventually flake out on, make excuses or just lie, until people get angry &/or give up on us.
— That comes both as a relief – of pressure, and a big pain – of yet again feeling ‘abandoned’! Trapped in our own no-win game, we blame others AND are filled with self-abuse

NEXT: ACoAs & Procrastination #5

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

missing info
I HAVE TO WORK THROUGH                 
my resistance to  the IC

PREVIOUS: Talking to the I.C. – #2

SITE: ‘Write Action – Dialoguing with the IC” (1-12)


1. OUR RESISTANCE to Dialoguing (cont)
🚫 Procrastination
✳️ MAIN excuse (Part 2)

✅ MORE EXCUSES 
⚠️ It feels silly, stupid, fake, self-conscious
ANS: It’s going to be awkward at first – like many new things – but that’s resistance, from the WIC &/or the PigP. If you keep at it – correctly – it begins to make sense, then becomes more natural & automatic

⚠️ It feels ‘schizophrenic’
ANS: This term is mistakenly used, because schizophrenics hear voices & sometimes talk to themselves. Schizophrenia is a devastating mental illness based in defective brain chemistry, with hallucinations & delusions.
It has nothing to do with various Ego States interacting internally, which are normal conscious parts of a whole personality.
NEVER apply it to the process of talking to the Inner Child.whose voice

⚠️ I’m just making it up
ANS: Review Ego States. They’re real. We need to learn about the various components, how they sound, what their point of view & purpose is. With enough info & practice you’ll hear the differences

⚠️ I don’t know who’s talking
ANS: “I” statements are either from the Adult, if it’s a logical thought, or the Inner Child, especially if it’s self-deprecating or self-defeating.
The “You” form is the Parent voice, either mean or kind.
When you have strong emotions it’s definitely the Child.
Some of us hear the WIC very easily, some only our rational voice, some mainly the bad Parent. Writing out dialogues using both hands helps to differentiate them

⚠️ I don’t have time / it’s too much work, takes too longtoo much time
ANS: This is the same as saying you don’t have time to eat – ever. If you don’t nourish your body you get sick & eventually die.
AND if you don’t feed you heart, mind & spirit with attention & love, you starve your essence.

So no matter how outwardly successful you may be, your sad, lonely, hurting part keep gnawing away at your insides. As long as we ignore it – it runs us! If you want your life to function better, this tool is an absolute must!

✍️ Written dialogues using both hands does take time. If you’re serious about your recovery you’ll find a way – somehow. You know that you make time for the things you really want to do
🧠 BUT you can also have brief dialogues in your head throughout the day – no matter where you are – in the bathroom, on the bus, waiting in line or on the phone, before you go to sleep…. ALSO, sometimes it’s enough to just pat yourself on the chest, letting the kid know you’re thinking of him or her in a caring way.

⚠️ I never get a response
ANS: Our Inner Child (Natural & Adapted) is all our historical ages, from birth on, so when we do connect, it can be with the pre-verbal child or one of the older ages. Once it feels safe enough, the IC will talk a lot!

• The youngest one won’t have words to respond, only emotions & sensations. Pay attention to what your body & imagination is telling you
• The middle kid (around 13-14) can be the most honest, but sometimes withdrawn. Either way it needs to be encouraged to express how it feel & what it knows
• Some ACoAs don’t even talk to their teenage self, so it’s being ignored like at home, usually angry, in rebellious mode with folded arms & facing away

HOWEVER – the main reason we don’t get a response (assuming we’re actually trying!) is because the child doesn’t trust us yet – we haven’t proven ourself consistent or safe. Do you make an effort to communicate regularly, & with compassion? Are you being neglectful, and do you sound like you original parents?

REALITY – if we are persistent in talking kindly, realistically to the kids & asking them Qs, eventually one or more will respond, even if it takes months, but only if we care enough to show up evert day!

NEXT: Part 4 – Resistance from the WIC