personal rights

ACoAs – Deserving vs Rights (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

family junkI CAN CLAIM MY RIGHTS
no matter what they told me!

PREVIOUS: Deserving vs Rights (# 2)

REVIEW post: “Not Enough Love?”


See ACRONYM pg. for abbrev.

1. NOT Deserving

2. ACoA DAMAGE (cont.)

a. ACoAs – Some things cannot be earned, so we should never try – love, respect, options, freedom from abuse …. However, our damage comes in 2 flavors:
i. Under-‘deserving’:
Regardless of the source, hanging on to any tinge of ‘not allowed’ represents our allegiance to the bad voice – the toxic aspect of our parents & society. The WIC part of us would rather stay ‘small’, be invisible, ignore its talents & deny or limit its opportunities – rather than disobey the family rules – for fear of punishment, abandonment & psychological death!

Warning : The idea of ‘earning’ also relates to the phrase many healers want us to repeat “I forgive myself for….” This is counter-productive for ACoAs. Even if it’s meant to help us let go of self-blame, it does the opposite : reinforcing our belief that we caused our damage (earned & therefore deserve it) – by not being perfect-ly lovable!
'entitled'ii. Over-‘deserving’ : The narcissistic unquestioned assumption that someone is entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it. Having been raised incorrectly, they end up selfish & arrogant – a seemingly opposite extreme of not deserving.
IRONICALLY – these people’s real focus is on trying to make up for the same deep-seated sense of not being accepted by family for their True Self

b. REALITY : There are things in life we DO need to earn – an education, our career, our income, Recovery, physical well-being, healthy respect, honors ….
Earning means we have to work at reaching certain goals, using our intelligence, persevering & asking for appropriate support

AND as adults we DO need to take responsibility for unhealthy actions which come from our damage – which is not the same as needing to forgive ourself. We are responsible for cleaning out & correcting the distortions we grew up with from the negative training we did not cause!
💕                         💕                     💕
3. HAVING RIGHTS
A “Right” is a moral principle which defines & sanctions the adult person’s freedom of action in a social context, & can be exercised without anyone’s permission.  A Right is a natural or God-given permit received at birth, to act in one’s own self-interest, with control over one’s own life & property as long as others are not injured.

This healthy version of Having Rights is one of many concepts antithetical to the ‘twin towers’ of alcoholism & narcissism. In terms of the dis-ease, Deserving & Having Rights are polar opposites.
People in Recovery often say that we “deserve to be……(loved), deserve to have…..(help) ”.  This can be misleading since it assumes that we did something to merit X or Y. Therefore if we fail to act a certain way we assume we don’t deserve those benefits. But again – some things can not be earned.

• As we mature & heal we eventually come to understand that just being born gives us certain rights, as human being with a soul & a connection to the Universal Spirit  – God – a far greater power than any one of us & beyond our understanding.
As stated in 12 Step Meetings: “God does not make trash!”
SO – if we are all one & part of the Universal Energy, then we do NOT have to earn / pay for / suffer for the qualities & benefits that are our human rights.

EXP: A Program boyfriend told Keisha: “My loving you is none of your business”. He meant that she had not caused him to love her, SO she couldn’t make him not love her. So she could stop obsessing about how she was going to ‘ruin it’ because she wasn’t good enough, or because of what she said or did.  If she had learned that  — every human always has the right to be loved — Keisha would never have worried at all ! It only depends on who we are with.

REMINDER: NO one has the power to make another person love us, including our parents. They either already had the ability – before we were born – or they didn’t! If not – it won’t suddenly appear if we’re just good enough.

NEXT: Deserve vs rights #4

REPAIRING Boundaries – with SELF

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Bs OY, ANOTHER PROCESS!
It’s so much work – but I need it

PREVIOUS : Healthy Bs, #2

REVIEW Boundaries Defined // Source / / Info

SITE : “Setting Bs with Oneself”


REPAIRING Damaged Boundaries (Bs)
The source of unhealthy Bs comes from our upbringing. As a result – in the present – it’s a lack of self-worth, not believing we have any rights.
“SIEVES” (leaking from damaged or non-functioning Bs) are trying to gain value by trying to please others, so they let everyone invade their space, obeying Toxic Rules like “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine”

1. FOR YOURSELF
a. Form a clear sense of your personal values.
b. Identify specific ways your WEAK Bs are unproductive & self-defeating, & write down how they show up in your life. Think of ‘character defects’ as expressions of Self-Hate

c. Notice the fear-based beliefs that reinforce your resistance to change (CDs & Toxic Rules).  List specific ones that apply to you & how you act them out (talking & doing)

d. Identify all POSITIVE Bs that are important to you (5-15 items). These may shift over time, so stay current.
List at least 1 B. from each PMES category that you:
— absolutely will not compromise on, because they’re CORE
— can afford some wiggle room on, because they’re not as crucial to your comfort & safety

e. Make a “Who Am I?” journal. Have separate pages for PMES sub-headings like – Accomplishments, Education, Natural Qualities, Skills, Strengths, Talents, Tastes, Values …..
Fill in any characteristics that come to mind. Ask others to provide the positive qualities they see in you. Continue adding to it as you see more good things about yourselfself-writing

f. Write letters to yourself encouraging the changes you want to activate, that nurture your right to have healthy Bs.
Include 2-handed conversations with your:
• Wounded Child, about how you’d like to help it heal from S-H
• Healthy Inner Child – about ways you want to support it to be visible & happy
• Pig Parent (Negative Introject) – about how you don’t agree with its lies any more!

g. Make 2 lists of Personal Rights, for yourself & for relationships. Keep them on your phone so you can read them often & also keep hard copies on your mirrors, fridge…. (Qs re. Friends….)rights
Pick one ‘Right’ you’d like to develop & incorporate it into your life for a month. At the end of that time write down what happened & how you feel.
Pick another ‘Right’ & do the same….
Re. “Support” – see next post.

h. Keep a separate journal to record the PMES pain** you feel when you don’t stick to your Bs with others. The idea is to cut thru denial about how it affects you, practically & emotionally.
🥲 This kind of pain is NOT from self-recrimination or fear of rejection. Rather, it is the most basic pain of self-abandonment, reproducing what our parents did to us. Without connecting to our emotions, we keep repeating the old ways – as if they don’t cause more damage. It does!

**A certain level of pain is a useful motivator if it’s not too much. Don’t turn ‘failures’ into S-H, depression & isolation. Identify what led up to each B violation, because you were :hurting
• in a situation which pushed a very big button that’s still unhealed
• still letting the WIC run your life, or at least in certain areas….
• tired, ill or otherwise stressed, so more vulnerable
• unaware there would be problems in a new situation
• with the wrong person who always invades Bs, & who no one can stop

i. Regularly build in time for yourself, away from your job, mate, children, & pets – alone to relax (just veg).
Take space for spiritual growth, self-care, humor, fun & creativity, AND make plans to be with close friends
fun• If you have a hard time saying ‘No’, look for opportunities to practice, without anger if possible, or with anger if that‘s the only way – at first. Eventually people will get used to this change in you. If they don’t, one of you will inevitably let go

• If you have trouble saying “Yes” for one-to-one social events, or anything involving groups, be willing to accept an invitation from time to time. You’ll be uncomfortable, but do the Inner Child book-ending for each situation & see what the realistic outcomes usually are.

NEXT:  Forming  Bs with OTHERS (#1)