acoa recovery

Childhood PLAY- Intro (Part 2)

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fantasy 2
THE MORE I LET MYSELF PLAY
the healthier my kid & I can be

PREVIOUS: Children & Play – Intro (Part 1)

BOOK:“Play, Stress & the Learning Brain”

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💠 LEARNING STYLES -via NLP (#1)

💠 ACoA INVENTORY – WRITE what comes up for you as you carefully read thru each Benefit type.
As an adult: In spite of childhood trauma, & looking at your life-long patterns, identify which skills have always come easily / naturally, where you’ve excelled, which ones you’ve been working at the most, & what needs improving

cognitiveBENEFITS of Childhood PLAY
Positive Play experiences help children develop emotions & connections, sensing & moving, listening & talking, thinking & remembering
a. COGNITIVE skills
> Critical thinking – play encourages learning how to problem-solve, along with concepts like cause-&-effect, quantities & spatial relationships
> Creativity & Imagination – pretending to be doctors, teachers, parents, firefighters, astronauts….. kids learn that life is full of possibilities & opportunities

b. LANGUAGE skills
> Language – develops together with play as the brain grows & children use words while playing with toys & engaging in joint activities, expanding the ability to think & understand  (chart)language

• Both language & make-believe play involve the ability to represent the world mentally to oneself, so their developmental are parallel. Children play with:
— Sounds and noises // Linguistic systems (meanings of grammatical constructions) // Rhymes and words //  Conventions of speech. (MORE….)

c. MOTOR Skills
motor skills> Fine-motor – are developed by handling & manipulate objects – toys, books, art supplies, small animals
> Gross-motor – by being able to balance, catch, climb, crawl, jump, reach, run,  throw, walk…. when playing

d. SOCIO-EMOTIONAL Skills
> Social – Play helps build relationships, which children master by learning to follow directions, cooperate, take turns, share & obey the rules. It’s one way they learn about & practice living in their world & culture

> Emotional – spending time with safe adults, siblings & other children helps children learn about emotions – how to identify & manage them, as well as recognize & appreciate the feelings of others. It also helps them manage & cope with emotions when upsetting things happen

Social & Mental Disorders Increase as Play Decreases
• Unfortunately this vital part of growing up (play time) is being eroded – not only by the trauma of daily life in severely dysfunctional homes, but by a widespread systematic shift in our schools to ‘accomplishment’ – Doing rather than Being.

A study by the Alliance for Childhood “Crisis in the Kindergarten” tells us that free play or ‘choice time’ in most of them has dwindled to the vanishing point (30 min or less a day), replaced by lengthy lessons & standardized testing (about 2-3 hrs, daily)

• At a WonderPlay conference in 2008 Kathy Hirsh-Pasek, a Temple U. psychologist told her audience that lack of play in early childhood education “could be the next global warming,”. Without enough time to develop innovation & creative thinking via PLAY, America’s children will be at a disadvantage in the global economy. (MORE…)emotional problems

• Peter Gray’s book, Free to Learn (2013), tells us that for more than 50 years now, Americans (& other ‘advanced’ countries) have gradually reduced children’s freedom to play – which is correlated with a rise in childhood emotional problems

• Children are required to spend more time at schoolwork, & then are channeled into adult-directed after-school activities & lessons, with little or no time to explore on their own.
>> The decline in this freedom is showing up as an overall decline in empathy & a rise in narcissism, documented since the late 1970s by standardized questionnaires given to samples of typical college students (MORE….)

• Competitive, self-conscious parents are behind the emphasis on formal learning in preschool, more homework in elementary school & more pressure on young children to quickly gain academic skills.
Consequences are potentially dire, says psychologist Michael Thompson. He believes that diminished time to play freely with other children is producing a generation of socially inept young people, & is one reason for high rates of youth obesity, anxiety, ADD & depression.

NEXT: Childhood Play – FORMS (Part 1)

Childhood PLAY – Intro (Part 1)

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fantasy landTHERE’S SO MUCH TO DO!
Games by myself, games with friends….

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Play (#5)

SITE: Scientific Benefits of Play

BOOK: “Cycles of Power” ˜ Pamela Levin (Developmental Stages)

QUOTE: “Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet, & the winds long to play with your hair.”  ~ Khalil Gibran

📕 Maria Montessori said “Children’s play is their work….”,  and modern play therapists added “Toys are their words”. Children are concrete learners, & must experience their world through all their senses in order to make sense of it.
At it’s best, a child’s world is filled with the magic of exploration, discovery, make-believe & play – vehicles for development. Play is the most important activity in their lives – sometimes more desired than food & sleep

• Actually, IF given the opportunity – Play is one of the most powerful tools children have for trying out & mastering new ideas, skills & activities. Much of their early learning comes through self-discovery, an outcome of play. It gives the opportunity to figure out -on their own- confusing social, emotional & intellectual issues.
By coming up with new ideas & solutions during play, they gain a positive attitude toward learning, & a sense of empowerment by being in control of their small world, rarely available to them later in real life.

Normal BRAIN Development
Although we’re born with basic genetic wiring, most of our synaptic connbrain developmentections form in early childhood. This process is shaped by internal & external experiences, & guided by the emotional bonds created between parent & child

So it’s very important to provide a loving family, warm home, with special attention (affection, playing…..), & appropriate education – to ensure healthy brain growth that will lead to a child’s optimum mental, emotional & social development. (Brain Development in Children  – detailed by age & style)

0 – 1.5 yr: Almost all neuron (nerve cells) are present at birth, but most are not yet formed into networks. Greatest growth is seen in sensori-motor & visual cortex, & then the frontal lobe. Piaget’s “practice play” reflects the development of these areas

1.5 – 3 yrs: Synapses continue to expand, reaching about 1,000 trillion – twice the density of the adult brain. so the toddler brain is twice as active.

3 – 6 yrs:  Fastest growth period for the frontal lobes. Processing speed, memory & problem solving increases
6-9 yrs: The synaptic connections in motor & sensory areas are firmly established. Elimination of synapses (pruning) in these areas has begun.  Children’s levels of attention & ability to modify impulses increases.

LEARNING STYLES (via NLP)
Everyone is born with a dominant sense – sound, sight, or touch. Less common are smell & taste. V.A.K. list of Preference //  V.A.K. Test  //  Examples:learning tree
Visual learners
> Statement : “Enough with the theories – just show me!”
> Play activities can include computers, CDs, DVDs, charts, diagrams, maps, reading & writing, photography, movies & video

Auditory learners
> Statement : “That doesn’t sound right to me” 
> Play activities can include debating, puppet shows, reciting songs or poems, story-telling, panel discussions, & the use of tape-recording for feedback & correction

Kinesthetic/Tactile learners
> Statement : “That makes me sick to my stomach!”
> Play activities can include demonstrations, dance, body games (rocking, field trips, modeling), play dough, playing instruments, sand play ….

PLAY & LEARNING: Studies at U of CA at Berkley look at ‘pretending’, which relates to what philosophers call “counterfactual thinking“, like Einstein wondering what would happen if a train went at the speed of light. It seems that children who are better at pretending can reason better about counterfactualspossibilities

❖ ‘Thinking about different possibilities’ has a crucial role in early learning – children at play are like pint-sized scientists testing theories.
They imagine how the world could / might work, predict various outcomes if their theories were true, then compare those ideas to what they actually see. Even toddlers turn out to be smarter than we’ve been assuming, if only we asked the right questions – in the right way. (MORE….)

NEXT: Children & Play – Intro (Part 2)

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 6)

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no timeNO TIME, NO TIME
for all that silly stuff! 

PREVIOUS : ACoAs & Play (#5)

SITE:: 7 Secrets of Dysfunctional Families (ironic)

QUOTE: “There is nothing that human beings do, know, think, hope & fear that has not been attempted, experienced, practiced or at least anticipated in children’s play” Heidi Britz-Crecelius (‘Children at Play’)

💠 ACoAs ‘NOT KNOWING’ what we like, or How to Play (Part 5)

💠 PLAY & the Wounded Inner Child (WIC)
ACoAs: Not taking time out to play is a lot like our great resistance to developing the daily habit of talking with our Inner Child. The same attitude applies to not building in down-time (just vegging) & play-time (doing something relaxing & fun).
We think: ‘Why do we even have play? Isn’t it an indulgence, a waste of time? Aren’t we always supposed to be busy DOING something productive?’ NO.

• Adult play is not a waste of time. It’s actually a necessary component of being healthy. In a busy & competitive world ‘normal’ adults have forgottenhealthy vs not to play the way they did as kids, & need to be reminded of the freedom & benefits of spontaneous enjoyment.
But most ACoAs don’t have those ‘good times’ to look back on. WE didn’t have much of a chance to play – too busy care-taking, while being terrified, isolated & hiding from real danger!
WE:
• were programmed to live un-healthily, & play was not in it
• say we can’t decide what to do (but our Healthy kid knows!)
• are afraid to break any of the Toxic Rules
• can’t allow ourselves to have fun if our family members, or other loved ones, are in pain. We would feel guilty to not co-dependently suffer with them!

🦠 But it’s also understandable that some of us can’t find the fun in anything  – if we’re severely depressed or ill, still live in an abusive environment &/or are always worried about something serious ($$, lack of work, an ill child or parent, an angry spouse…. )

Just like we can’t let love in when we feel unsafe, we can’t feel free to play with too much anxiety.  Even the idea of Play doesn’t make sense to us – at first. John Bradshaw reminds us that ACoAs were forced to become Human Do-ings instead of Human Be-ings. So as adults it scares us to just BE, either doing something we like – or nothing, once in a while.

BTW, this is not the ‘nothing’ of depression or laziness, which is actually fear & hopelessness. Rather it’s the Be-ing of pleasure! It comes from feeling relief, being in our own skin instead of in someone else’s head.
It’s being good to ourselves, knowing we are safe.
And that safety comes FROM :
a. finding the right person & style of therapy, 12 Step meetings & books, mentors & friends – to set an example & give us the correct info about our past and what Mental Health is
b. our own persistent efforts to use all the tools at our disposal, including ‘constant contact’ with the IC
c. having a daily, deep connection to a safe, loving Higher Power Who supports us in the healing process

REQUIREMENTS for being able to Play
As we heal we can add recreation into our schedule. It may be uncomfortable for a while, but as with so many things, repetition makes it easier, & then becomes the new norm. For healthy play & ‘good, clean fun’ we need TO:
• carve out or use available free time to ‘waste’ on fun
• not be under pressure to produce anything in particular
• have a measure of control & autonomy over our choices – not compulsively obeying our self-destructive Family Rules nor follow someone else’s lead
• practice using our native imagination &/or skills for play

Ultimately, we need a decent amount of self-esteem (for internal permission), a relatively low-level of anxiety (at least at play-time).
💓 Don’t wait for some magical future time when you’re ‘well enough‘ – to have some fun & relax. Start slowly, but start now.

NEXT: Childhood PLAY (Intro)

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 3)

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rain on meI DON’T KNOW HOW TO PLAY –
only to be compulsive, never relaxed

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Playing (#2)

 

💠DEFINITION (Parts 1 & 2)
   

💠 ACoA LAUNDRY LIST’s False Self related to PLAY

• One of the many sad results of having a traumatic childhood is that we were & are still deprived of the joy of relaxing thru playing & having fun. As a result of our damage we fall into several categories (lifestyles) which seem very different, but underneath each has the same problem – our WIC listening to the Negative Introject, believing the Toxic Rules:

“Life is hard / you have to suffer / you can’t play until all your work is done / no one wants to play with you anyway / if you don’t like it you have to stay / don’t be yourself / the world is a dangerous place / you always have to struggle, but never get there!…..”

a. ACoAs guess at what normal is
Here ‘Normal’ means healthy, as opposed to ‘average’. We don’t realize that playing, relaxing & having fun are a legitimate & important part of being healthy, happy & well-balanced. “All work & no play makes Jack a dull boy”.

There’s a tribe in Papua New Guinea that frowns on sex, & bans play. For years anthropologists have considered this tribe too dull to study, but finally someone did. Scholars still don’t know why the tribe developed this philosophy, but it’s certainly not one we should emulate! MORE…)

b. ACoAs have difficulty with intimate relationships
Everyone needs a certain degree of connection with other people, but the amount depends on one’s developmental stage, personality & on their current situation.
And while it’s perfectly normal & acceptable to play alone, playing with others requires a certain capacity for intimacy** to be ‘legitimate’ – since being in authentic play-mode means able to express the True Self without embarrassment or reservation.

This is not easy for ACoAs because our True Self got shrouded in shame & self-hate, making it hard for us to ‘let loose’ & let others get emotionally close to us.  ACoAs are more likely to put others in double binds: “I hate you – Don’t leave me!” OR “I need you – Don’t touch me!”

**INTIMACY: (IN-TO-ME-YOU-SEE) refers to a level of closeness where you feel understood & validated. Genuine intimacy with someone requires honesty, communication, vulnerability & reciprocity.
In relating to others, it’s the ability to connect our ‘deepest nature’ with safe & appropriate others, because we know there’s nothing fundamentally wrong with the Real Me, so we’re not afraid of letting it be seen

c. ACoAs take themselves very (too) seriouslytoo serious
While other children were busy learning to relate, compete, play & develop social skills, we were learning the tough lessons of survival. Many of us never heard our parents laughing, joking or fooling around (unless drunk!)
The air was heavy, filled with the invisible energy of suffering. Life was a hard business & the tone in our house put a damper on anyone enjoying themselves.
So if we did try to play or have fun we were guilted for wasting time OR punished for being frivolous & attacked for being ridiculous, making it stressful & terrifying.

d. ACoAs over-react to changes they can’t control
Genuine play allows us to be in the moment, not knowing the outcome, not having to win, be right or perfect, & not “forcing solutions”.
EXP: when children play, they often change the out of control‘rules’(which they made up in the first place) anytime they feel like it

Adult play doesn’t always have to follow pre-set rules either, sp they can be thrown out the window if it’s more fun to not use  them. This is hard to allow ourself.

Children do need things to be stable & predictable in their every-day life, with clear rules & boundaries, something in very short supply in most dysfunctional homes. Chaos was the order of the day for us, so now we try to keep everything under tight control, which doesn’t fit in with playing. But PLAY is free-form.

NEXT: ACoAs & PLAY #4

ACoAs & PLAYING (Part 2)

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A HAPPY CHILDHOOD
includes having fun

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Playing (#1)

SITES: Fostering Creativity

QUOTES: ✦“It is a happy talent to know how to play.”   ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

✦ “A lot of people say a lot things about creativity – what it is, how to enhance it, what it means….. Creativity is just play, and love”  ~ Kent Parkstreet (blogger…)

💠EXPANDED Def
a. PLAY (in general) (Part 1)

b. FUN: It is playful, often noisy activity which diverts, amuses or stimulates. Anything that is a source of enjoyment & pleasure
• IMP: this def. only refers to positive situations, rather than abusive ones such as ‘making fun of’ someone / ‘having fun at their expense’…../ or excited, violent activity ‘She insulted him & then the fun began’

• In these posts the two terms (Play / Fun) are used interchangeably. The key word in both is activity – behaviors we choose to do – because we like** them. However, while play is indeed an action – even verbal play (poetry, exchanging puns & jokes, lively discussions about favorite topics…),  fun can be either active or passive. We can have fun sitting in a comedy club or quietly on the beach. Play is more participatory, although it doesn’t always need others for it to be ‘legitimate’

These definitions raise several issues for ACoAs
When asked ** “What do you like?” too often the answer is “I don’t know”.
To an observer this can be confusing because, looking at our behavior, they see many of us as functioning & accomplished people, which is not how we think of ourselves.

In spite of childhood trauma, ACoAs have done things as adults – & some as far back as childhood – which we did like, even enjoyed. It could be anything :
• Artistic – acting, singing, designing …
• Sporty – acting, dancing, bike riding, hiking, baseball….
• Physical things – going to an amusement park, traveling, having sex…..

So why do ACoAs say we don’t know what we like?
It’s a response from our WIC, who is still ‘living in the past’ & still doesn’t have a clue – or more accurately is not allowed to “Know what I know”. Because of the family’s narcissism & addictions we didn’t get mirrored** correctly, or at all.
**Mirroring (most effective when given to small children, but can be provided at any age), is what we call ‘being seen’ – literally echoed.
It’s when someone outside of us is able to freely, accurately see who we are & then feed it back —
◇ without any mental or verbal distortion
◇ without adding their opinion, taste or bias
◇ without their need for us to be a certain way…..
…. just reflecting back to us who we are, the way we express ourselves, the way we see the world, the way we think, feel or do things

If this had been done for us when we were kids, we’d KNOW how are, & therefore have a lot less anxiety. Healthy PLAY is only possible with a minimum of background anxiety!

PLAY & TOXIC ROLES
Regarding down-time, each child was affected by & reacted to the family’s dysfunction in their own way, but it also lent a particular intensity to the ROLES we developed:
🔻 The HERO had to be ‘on’ all the time, being the serious adult right from the beginning of life, so not a lot of room for relaxing

tease🔻 For the SCAPEGOAT, ‘fun’ (for them) was hurting & humiliating (others) – in the guise of teasing “Just kidding !!”- verbal insults & arguing used to belittle, & pranks or games that could be dangerous

🔻 The LOST CHILD, often an Introvert by nature but not exclusively – stayed in the background, escaping, hiding, withdrew into daydreaming, reading, arts…. – their version of fun

🔻 Even the MASCOT, being cute & funny to keep everyone else’s spirits up, but at the cost of denying their fears. Their playfulness came from pain rather than joy, often tinged with sarcasm & meanness.

NEXT: ACoAs & PLAY-ing (Part 3)

“INNER CHILD SPEAKS”, re-posted (Part 2)

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inner kidYOU DON’T HAVE TO KNOW EVERYTHING
to listen or talk to me!

PREVIOUS: Child to Adult Monologue (#1)

SITE: “Love Your Inner Child”

 

WRITER: Marie T Russell (1996) publisher of InnerSelf Magazine. Reprinted in full, as is. 
LETTER CONTINUES

The child cries out:  “You told me that it was not a-prop-riot-e behavior to dance in the street, or to sing with the birds, or to talk to the new people that I discovered on the street – you call those people strange-hers. You told me that it’s not appropriate to be playful & childlike, that I had to act your age. Well, I’ve got news for you. I’m an Inner Child & I’m eternally young… so my age is whatever I choose. And today I choose to be five years old. So it is okay for me to sing & dance & love everyone I meet, because I know that God loves me, and that I am loved by everyone because God is in everbad inputyone.

“Do you know what is not appropriate? When you frighten me with your grown-up mixed-up beliefs. You have a picture of the world that I do not like, & you try to frighten me into doing what you want by telling me about your picture. Well, your picture is all wrong! Do you know why?

Because your picture has a nasty God in it that punishes children & He gets very angry when they make a mistake. Well, my God loves me & loves you too. And my God does not frighten little children. Instead He provides birds that make music, fruit trees for food, sun for light & warmth, grass to roll in & lay on, animals to play with, & lots of other good things.

“Your picture is just a horror movie that you made up, & I don’t watch horror movies. So if you insist on watching a horror picture, keep me out of it. Don’t even tell me about it. I don’t like to hear yucky stories. They make my belly & my heart hurt.

“But if you decide you’d like to watch and live a beautiful love story with me, then simply switch channel to the Inner Child channel. You and I can get to know each other, then we can have some fun as well as some love & peace together.

“You probably don’t even know where I am. Well, that’s because I’m scared of you and I’ve been hiding. I would suggest you tame me, just as if you were dealing with a scared kitten. Just imagine that your Inner Child is a scared kitty hiding under the bed. What do you do? Well, maybe you start talking gently, lovingly to it even though you can’t see it. And then maybe you bring it a saucer of warm milk (for me a saucer of unconditional love will do), then back off a little & keep talking softly.

“After a while, I may peek around the corner to make sure that you’re really for real & won’t judge or criticize me again… after all, you’ve done that a lot. If I feel that you are really ready to love me & be nice, I’ll come out & we can talk & play.

“Another way that you can get in touch with me is to listen to what you call your intuition. Lots of times that’s me telling you what would be great for us. So the next time you feel that it would be good for you to go for a walk, or sing out loud, or dance… pay attention. That’s probably me making my presence known. The more you spend time doing the kind of things I like, the more you’ll start feeling me there, & enjoying our time together.

“And keep taintuitionlking to me. Soon you’ll start hearing me. You see, I talk very softly cause I’m little and sometimes I’m scared of you cause you’re big and you talk loud and gruff. So listen softly, and then you’ll hear me.

Remember that I love you & really want to spend time with you. I know that once you start spending time with me, you’ll be much happier. You’ll find yourself singing & maybe even taking silly little dance steps in the street. The people around you will start smiling for no apparent reason when you walk by, because their own Inner Child will recognize me & will also pop up to the surface.

“Can I come out and play? I love you a whole bunch! I hope you’ll come visit often & invite me to hang out with you a lot too! We can really have a great time together, you and me.”

With Love, 
Your Inner Child

NEXT: ACoAs & Playing, #1

ACoAs: BOOKENDING with the WIC (#2)

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bookends 2
I CAN BE IN THE PRESENT
by being kind but realistic

PREVIOUS:
 Book-ending, Part 1

POSTS: ✦ Self-Hate
✦ Abandonment Pain, Now

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.


TRYING to PROTECT ourselves (cont)
a. RULES & ROLES

b. CDs – Another strategy evolved into using Cognitive Distortions (CDs), B & W thinking being the most common – trying to have some predictive ability amid alcoholic chaos. We pickup them up from family, school & religion – as well as our own immature thinking. Ad now they’re entrenched in the WIC.

CDs were a way to project what we assumed would happen in any given situation, so we could either be prepared or avoid it altogether.  In terms of T.E.A., they’re forms of incorrect Thinking. But they’re too limited in scope to deal with most of reality, deep-rooted beliefs that leave out important info & lead to incorrect conclusions.

✶ Unfortunately this strategy also backfired, just like many others the WIC (understandably) absorbed. This is mainly because we were / are still trying to do the impossible: getting unhealthy people to love us & stop being abusive.

The only thing that’s truly successful is to stop chasing the WIC’s delusion that we are responsible for the original abandonment, & the fantasy that we can somehow make ‘them’ see & accept uimpossibles!

CDs are so harmful because:
• they’re the twisted ‘logic’ behind much of our un-healed habitual actions & emotional reactions, which are inevitably self-defeating & painful – even torturous!
• it makes us think we’re crazy when other people use them on us – unless we’re familiar with the distortions & can counter them accurately.
However, once you know the various CDs & Logical Fallacies well, you’ll never again think you’re nuts. Never again! Hurray!

Negative USES of Bookending
a. overblown unrealistic ‘hopeful’ expectations
• Both types of expectations (over & under-realistic) are based on  the WIC’s narcissism – ‘everything that others do (to me) is about me’, but this one comes from the aspect of ACoAs that is grandiose, symbiotic & unrealistic about people & events

Again, this is the WIC who desperately needs & want something, but is not using real-world criteria to evaluate what’s actually possible is any particular situation. Because the imagined outcomes are not possible, we are inevitably disappointed.
This reinforces our original CD – that we don’t deserve anything good & that the universe is against us/
Some of these CDs are:  • over-estimating  • mind-reading  • wishful thinking  • externalizing self-worth  • always being right ….. Screen Shot 2015-09-10 at 3.33.35 PM

b. totally negative beliefs about how , hopelessly things will always turn out.
Some of these CDs are: • all or nothing  • only noticing the negative  • making everything about oneself   • jumping to conclusions  • under-estimating …..

ALSO, we use idealization / fantasy to mask how scared we really are
• because we’re not actually allowed to get our needs met, AND
• when we already know the person or situation is unsuitable, even damaging, but don’t want to leave & have to start over – after all, if it’s hopeless anyway, why bother!

✶ This defensive way of thinking is NOT the same as being Appropriately Positive and Realistically Hopeful – about what we are actually capable of accomplishing or ways we can be nourished by healthy environments. ACoAs are so steeped in the fantasy, we have trouble imagining wonderful, happy circumstances – for ourselves!

However, as we heal and DO get good things in our life – we will know & feel the contrast with our upbringing : THIS is the way it should have / could have been, but never was. We need to mourn that loss but stop looking back for something that was not possible.

NOW it’s time we give ourselves the happiness we never had as kids!

NEXT: Bookending- #3

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 5)

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talking with PP

PREVIOUS: Why resist? #4

SITE: “Make Your Inner Child Your Partner”

 

 

Other RESISTANCE SOURCES (cont)
In this case it’s the WIC not co-operating  re. communicating with the UNIT, no matter how caring.

3. The WIC – at first you may be surprised to realize that the Wounded Child is not so quick to let go of the Bad Voice! You’re just starting to learn how to be a Good Parent / Healthy Adult, expecting to take over the job of Executive ego state from the Inner Child who’s been running the show your whole life.
But as far as the child is concerned, you’ve never been available before, or you sound just like ‘them’…. so why should it trust you now? And why would it want to give up it’s power to an unknown, unproven entity (the ‘new’ you)?

Some reasons the WIC resists :bad authority
• The kid has learned that – in general – NO authority is safe or trustworthy. They never listened or cared about anyone but themselves – & now you’re proposing to be the new adult who knows what’s ‘better’ for it? It sounds like more of the same! Besides, why would you bother with me anyway?

• Loyalty to our parents runs very deep, no matter how badly they treated us. The kid needs to be taken care of & it only knows the family it grew up with, & you aren’t on the radar screen – yet

• Our brain grooves are so deeply etched making the connection to the PP primal. The kid is afraid to leave the Introject because it don’t want to be alone, which is all it knows

• The ‘adults’ in our childhood were absent, childish, depressed, crazy, cruel, drunk or just to-o-o busy to be bothered with us – most of them not actually in charge of anything! That left it all up to us, which was terrifying, but it also gave us a sense of power

It was immature, inappropriate & distorted power to be sure, but the only option many of us had. We did what we could to survive & we did. Now the WIC doesn’t want to give up it’s position, convinced it’ll disintegrate or die if it ‘lets go’. So the WIC is in a Double Bind: thinking it’s in control of running our life <—> while it’s actually being run by the bad voice!

Double Binds: We hate many of our parents’ traits & behavior patterns <—> YET slavishly follow the rules & patterns they set out for us, even more terrified of separating from them in person or inside ourselves (to S & I)

Damned if we do, damned if we don’t – & damned if we say anything about it!!
We have many such confusing & conflicting beliefs, all of which are incorrect

• To the kid ‘Growing up’ is not a positive, even though many of us originally had the fantasy that when we were adults we’d  🌁 be OK, have everything we want, not suffer anymore, have our dreams come true….
☔︎ At the same time the WIC secretly believes that ‘growing up’ really means being completely alone or becoming just like them. Either one sucks, so it resists letting the UNIT help us heal our past

• Letting go of the PP means being in charge of our own life, taking risks, being responsible – which the kid can’t, won’t, isn’t allowed to….. It means being our own motivator, the opposite of co-dependence, giving up the fantasy someone will finally come along to rescue us. The WIC will fight these outcomes tooth & nail!

CO-DEPENDENCE & the WIC
The result of the WIC’s resistance is that it prevents us from becoming our own person – the person we were born to be. And without that our only option it to stay co-dependent.

IRONY:  on the one hand the WIC doesn’t want to give up its false power, while also manipulate others into taking care of it! That way we can continue obeying a major alcoholic/ narcissistic family rule (don’t need anything) while sneakily getting some ‘illegal’ goodies

NEXT:  Why resist? #6

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

tendrils of damage THE WIC DOESN’T TRUST ME & for good reasons

PREVIOUS: Why resist? #3

POST: ‘Negative Benefits’

 SITE: • ‘Emotional Age – Aware & Empower’ •‘Reconnect with your IC’ Scrapbook with 10 items

RESISTANCE to Dialoguing (cont)
🚫 Procrastination  ✳️ MAIN excuse (Part 2)

✅ MORE EXCUSES (cont)
⚠️ I don’t know what to say
ANS: Naturally! Because we constantly talk to ourselves with judgments & self-abuse, we won’t automatically know the healthy way to communicate. Obviously, we weren’t taught to speak kindly to ourselves, much less pay attention to what we actually think & feel. So changing the way we do that is definitely a new language.

• It has to be learned, from a good teacher, workbooks, listening to people anywhere who talk to their children appropriately – with respect, patience & warmth. When ACoAs hear what a reasonable & kind Inner Parent can say to the Child, many remark: “Wow, that makes perfect sense, but I would never have thought of it”.

⚠️ Taking to the kid doesn’t work – I’m still in pain
ANS: Most ACoAs have a strong belief in magic! We think things should take very little time, that we should get things we want right away, that everyone should be nice….
AND we think that recovery will work fast, even if we don’t put much effort in. Soooo, “If I talk to the kid when it’s hurting the hurt will stop right away!” Right?

Sometimes it does, most of the time NOT. The immediate goal of this tool is to be with the child THRU it’s suffering, so it’s not alone. Some ‘piles’ of emotional pain will take longer to dissipate than others, depending on how big they are (a lot from the past – the size of a car wreck, OR a little in the present – the size of a stubbed toe, a paper cut…) vs. how much has been siphoned off by doing emotion work.

REMINDER: EMOTIONS (Es) are neither + nor –, just energy.
When Es are labeled as negative – it automatically implies they are to be gotten rid of, or at least suppressed. This is a very harmful message, since the Inner Child houses most of our Es, with the Parent holding the rest – love, patience, positive pride, compassion, pleasure….).
If we say some Es are bad then we’re saying a fundamental part of our Inner Child is bad! This point of view is S-H, the child abuse we got in our family
It tells us we:
• were never comforted as kids when in pain, so those emotions were unbearable because we were left alone with our suffering
• were blatantly taught that Es are bad, weak, crazy, stupid, to be made fun of….
• never learned that there are appropriate ways to deal with & express Es, so that we can have our feelings without hurting ourselves or others

3. Other SOURCES of RESISTANCE
a. The INTROJECT (PigP)
Ultimately, the harmful power that rules ACoAs has always been the Bad Parent voice. It’s everywhere, crawling around inside the walls of our mind, like termites, whispering it’s poison:
“This stuff they’re trying to teach you is ridiculous! You can’t live without ME! You don’t know what you’re doing, that Inner Child stuff is just crazy….”

The PigP definitely does not want to be replaced by a Good one – afraid of being destroyed – so it keeps a tight rein on the Child by undermining it’s ability to think independently & function well.

b. OTHER People
Anyone not familiar with ego states & Recovery is likely to think it’s nuts, a waste of time, a fantasy…. Often people tell us we’re wallowing (even in some 12-Step programs!), that we should have forgiven them by now, so let go, move on….

We can respond to these ignorant comments – OR NOT – with: “You should try it sometime / It sounds like you don’t know anything concrete about it / Why are you being so judgmental? / Thank you for sharing…”. Make up a couple of phrases you feel comfortable with & memorize them!

NEXT: Why resist? (Part 5)

Why RESIST talking to the Inner Child? (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

missing info
I HAVE TO WORK THROUGH                 
my resistance to  the IC

PREVIOUS: Talking to the I.C. – #2

SITE: ‘Write Action – Dialoguing with the IC” (1-12)


1. OUR RESISTANCE to Dialoguing (cont)
🚫 Procrastination
✳️ MAIN excuse (Part 2)

✅ MORE EXCUSES 
⚠️ It feels silly, stupid, fake, self-conscious
ANS: It’s going to be awkward at first – like many new things – but that’s resistance, from the WIC &/or the PigP. If you keep at it – correctly – it begins to make sense, then becomes more natural & automatic

⚠️ It feels ‘schizophrenic’
ANS: This term is mistakenly used, because schizophrenics hear voices & sometimes talk to themselves. Schizophrenia is a devastating mental illness based in defective brain chemistry, with hallucinations & delusions.
It has nothing to do with various Ego States interacting internally, which are normal conscious parts of a whole personality.
NEVER apply it to the process of talking to the Inner Child.whose voice

⚠️ I’m just making it up
ANS: Review Ego States. They’re real. We need to learn about the various components, how they sound, what their point of view & purpose is. With enough info & practice you’ll hear the differences

⚠️ I don’t know who’s talking
ANS: “I” statements are either from the Adult, if it’s a logical thought, or the Inner Child, especially if it’s self-deprecating or self-defeating.
The “You” form is the Parent voice, either mean or kind.
When you have strong emotions it’s definitely the Child.
Some of us hear the WIC very easily, some only our rational voice, some mainly the bad Parent. Writing out dialogues using both hands helps to differentiate them

⚠️ I don’t have time / it’s too much work, takes too longtoo much time
ANS: This is the same as saying you don’t have time to eat – ever. If you don’t nourish your body you get sick & eventually die.
AND if you don’t feed you heart, mind & spirit with attention & love, you starve your essence.

So no matter how outwardly successful you may be, your sad, lonely, hurting part keep gnawing away at your insides. As long as we ignore it – it runs us! If you want your life to function better, this tool is an absolute must!

✍️ Written dialogues using both hands does take time. If you’re serious about your recovery you’ll find a way – somehow. You know that you make time for the things you really want to do
🧠 BUT you can also have brief dialogues in your head throughout the day – no matter where you are – in the bathroom, on the bus, waiting in line or on the phone, before you go to sleep…. ALSO, sometimes it’s enough to just pat yourself on the chest, letting the kid know you’re thinking of him or her in a caring way.

⚠️ I never get a response
ANS: Our Inner Child (Natural & Adapted) is all our historical ages, from birth on, so when we do connect, it can be with the pre-verbal child or one of the older ages. Once it feels safe enough, the IC will talk a lot!

• The youngest one won’t have words to respond, only emotions & sensations. Pay attention to what your body & imagination is telling you
• The middle kid (around 13-14) can be the most honest, but sometimes withdrawn. Either way it needs to be encouraged to express how it feel & what it knows
• Some ACoAs don’t even talk to their teenage self, so it’s being ignored like at home, usually angry, in rebellious mode with folded arms & facing away

HOWEVER – the main reason we don’t get a response (assuming we’re actually trying!) is because the child doesn’t trust us yet – we haven’t proven ourself consistent or safe. Do you make an effort to communicate regularly, & with compassion? Are you being neglectful, and do you sound like you original parents?

REALITY – if we are persistent in talking kindly, realistically to the kids & asking them Qs, eventually one or more will respond, even if it takes months, but only if we care enough to show up evert day!

NEXT: Part 4 – Resistance from the WIC