ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: What to do …(Part 2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
Before anything else we need to know what our goal is. Oh no! That means having permission, knowing our needs & letting our ADULT choose the actions.
What’s your bottom line GOAL? Are you pursuing it or still protecting your Negative Benefits?  EXPs:
• re. GOING OUT: is it to stop being so lonely & risk being disappointed, but maybe gain friendship, good info, new opportunities ….
OR is it to protect yourself at all cost by hiding out & continue starving!?

• re. WORK: is it to do a job search, no matter how long it takes, to find something more suitable & better paying
OR stay in a place you’ve outgrown or hate, so you don’t have to make the effort of improving your life?

• re. SELF-CARE: is it to gain a sense of personal power & get needs met (no matter how small),
OR is it to wait endlessly for someone else to come along & rescue you?

• re. ASKING QUESTIONS: is it to get help, knowledge, attention….
OR is it having to always be right, to know everything, to be ‘self-sufficient’?

• re. STANDING UP for yourself: is it to get a need met, without anger
OR suffer in silence & stay resentful?

• re. RELATIONSHIPS: is it to work toward & eventually leave a dead-end or destructive relationship that continually hurts you (even tho it may bring up pain in the short-term – but in the end be a relief, an opportunity to heal & the freedom to choose better next time)
OR is it to stay endlessly, & be in denial that it keeps adding to your low self-esteem, generates more humiliation, anger, sadness….?

2. SIMPLIFY
Small chunks – practice chopping down any task into bite size actions, based on what you can swallow at the moment. ACoAs are in the habit of being overwhelmed by goals in general, & by some that no one can possibly do all at once, but for some insane reason we think we should be able to!
In spite of the fact that current reality is usually not as grim as our childhood was – we still opt for staying overwhelmed rather than simplify whatever is going on in the present, right?

Clearly – that attitude comes from the WIC’s beliefs–
• who is terrified of breaking any of the Toxic family Rules because if we actually got things accomplished & our needs met via reasonably sized actions – that would trigger the ‘inevitable’ punishment of abandonment, from family or anyone else (RULES: “Must always struggle but never get there”, “Don’t outshine us”, “All risks are dangerous”)….
AND
• who is still convinced we don’t know how to do anything! since we were expected to know & do all sort of impossible things even as very small children, without anyone bothering to show us how or being a good example! Many of us got the message “Just do it!”

EXP: Anyone remember the 1980’s TV show “The Greatest American Hero”?  A high school teacher was given a super-hero costume by aliens, with the manual, which he lost in the shock of the encounter. Each episode was about how he had to figure out how to use the suit & all the trouble it / he caused because he didn’t know how it worked. Sounds a lot like our lives!
BUT
• who refuses to acknowledge all the years of accumulated knowledge & experience we HAVE gathered along the way since those early harrowing days, because then he/she would lose an excuse for waiting to be rescued!

NEXT: What to do when….. #4

ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: Confusion – Growth #5c

SITE: “A Cure for Confusion”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

SUGGESTION: save “My Rights” & “New Rules” posts to all devices, & read them every day until they become second-nature

Reminder : Confusion (C) is a mental state – not an emotional one, even tho we usually say “I feel confused”. We can be confused about emotions – but that’s from not knowing how to think about / understand them. (See ACoAs & Confusion #1)

ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION
FIRST – on no account beat yourself up for anything you have or have not been able to do. It’s not productive – AND it’s child abuse! Never expect yourself to have the PERFECT answer, or DO the perfect thing. EVER!

This topic is about behavior – the problem of not knowing which option to choose when in a dilemma. It can be:
– relatively small, short-term or a daily occurrence
– something you’ve been struggling with for a long time
– something that has surfaced in your life recently
– a really serious, life-altering choice you need to make

• Al-Anon says:
“Take the action & let go of the results”, another hard thing for ACoAs to do. ‘Letting go’ is not in our vocabulary. Because of the WIC’s fear that the whole world is unsafe – like our family – we try to control every outcome.

BUT danger is not the only possibility now, in spite of all the bad things that do happen in the world, which we can’t fix.
Not EVERY situation or person is safe (idealized) NOR dangerous (devalued). We can search out good people & positive circumstances once the WIC & PP are no longer in charge!

EXP: Telling someone you don’t want to do something, or forgetting to make a call…. is NOT as dangerous as walking alone thru the Central Park at night, or depending on a narcissist – for anything…. Unfortunately, many of us are more afraid of the former than the latter!

• Train yourself to ASK, ASK, ASK for info about things you don’t know, & to clarify who other people are, how they think, what they meant by a comment, what they want (from you), what they have already done or are planning to do about a problem of theirs…..

• Stay present – watch & listen – pay attention to how others do things, what their motives are, what alternatives they have made use of… & consider whether any of it can be applied to your life. Then try it out. This is not just to be a copy-cat.

Whatever you observe has to be tailored to who you are.
The best way to learn how you function in the world is by trial & error – once you have enough info & a decent support system to guide you. Try out 2-3 different ways to say or do something, & then evaluate the results

• In most cases you can change your mind before or even during an activity without major repercussions, so decisions don’t have to be written in stone. Keep a dated log of difficult actions you took, & the outcomes.
ALWAYS have PLAN B. in case Plan A. doesn’t work out.

• IF you still can’t take a particular action, keep working on:
– negative beliefs, & the anxiety they create
– the connection to your PP (too strong) AND
– with your WIC & HEALTHY CHILD (not strong enough)
– validating your needs & hopes, while practicing with boundaries

EXERCISE: To separate & identify confusing / conflicting Emotions : stop, breath deeply & feel the sensation in your body – what’s authentic for you about the situation?  (More….) and (More...) and (More….)

NEXT: What to DO…. (Part 2)

PREVIOUS: Recovery  (#5b)

SITE: Neuro-marketing: The Science of Decision Making

QUOTE: I simply can’t build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery & death….I think…peace & tranquility will return again” ~ Anne Frank (Jewish German-Dutch diarist)

‼️REVERSING life-long Confusion (cont)
4. Grow the ADULT/PARENT
5. RESOLVE internal CONFLICTS
6. Take SOME Action

7. OUTCOMES
They are by definition, about the future, whether 5 seconds or 5 yrs from now. But ACoAs want to know how everything is going to turn out NOW, to quell a little of our enormous anxiety. We assume that without our vigilance & interference (control) we’ll always be in danger (lose), as in childhood.

What danger?
• Aa kids we were treated equally harsh – for spilling the milk, not knowing how to do math, talking back, stealing something, fighting…..
No nuances, no degrees of value, no room for a lack of info or experience, for accidents, human error, or just being a kid. The unfairness & lack of proportion was very confusing – and enraging!

• In the present, ACoAs continue to give the same importance to all situations & all outcomes. This causes confusion which can paralyze.

a. Responsibility – We do need to step up – for ourselves, so our efforts have at least a chance of being favorable. How well things turn out generally depends on having healthy beliefs & ‘right’ actions – from the UNIT – plus helpful outside forces.

Many times :
i. NEW-ish: we can make an educated guess about the outcome of an unfamiliar date, meeting or event. This is not mind-reading, projection or wishful thinking.
Rather, such ‘predictions’ are based on logic, knowing what’s real & sane, intuition, education, & many previous experiences
But having been taught to deny all of these – we rarely use them – for ourselves

ii. REPEAT: If we’ve been through a particular situation several / many times, AND are willing to acknowledge what we’ve observed & felt, we can give up poor choices without a lot of agonizing, like:
• NOT going to an abusive parent for emotional comfort, ever again
• NOT dating an addict or other narcissist, again
• NOT taking another job that doesn’t suit our talents & goals
• NOT-not dealing with our money / bills wisely….

b. Control – However, here are things in life we’re not responsible for! – mainly what others think & do. And many situations we can’t manipulate or predict the outcome of.
i. UNKNOWABLE: things we can’t control or predict, because we’re not all-powerful, as some ‘spiritual’ or philosophical teachings insist. Even very ‘psychic / sensitive’ people don’t have all the answers!

We usually can’t know things like  —
• if medical tests, procedures or medicines will give us answers, will heal or harm us
• how everyone else (or us) is going to react when pushed to their limit
• when we’re going to met the ‘right one’
• how our children will turn out, really
• whether cold-calling will get us business
• when we’re going to die (usually) ….

ii. UNKNOWABLE: when we don’t have any or enough info about something ahead of time, like how a new experience is going to turn out (first time in a group, moving to a new job or location…. ), what value we’ll get from taking a class, how our relationship will work out in the long run, where Recovery will take us in life….

ACoAs believe we’re supposed know everything – and perfectly, & feel ashamed or self-hating when we don’t. This is narcissistic magical thinking which sends many ACoAs into a panic, even paralysis, because the WIC assumes if we’re powerless we’ll always suffer, as in childhood

EXP: Whatever you may think of the Kardashians, Kim’s comments to Oprah about the ‘reason’ her 1st marriage broke up after 2 1/2 months speaks to the lack of info: she said they had never spent time alone with each other, so once they were under the same roof every day, she realized they were NOT at all compatible.

• This can remind us that most situations – especially relationships – need to be researched more thoroughly before jumping in. So we’re back to: “Take the action & let go of the result”, or – do the best you can & learn from each outcome. Look before you leap! LACK of INFO can certainly lead to CONFUSION.

NEXT: What to do when confused #1

PREVIOUS : Confusion #4b

SITE: “What to do when unclear, confused ….”

QUOTEs: “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. ~ Hans Hofmann, German artist

• “However confused the scene of our life appears… it can be faced, & we can go on to be whole” ~ Muriel Rukeyser, American writer 1913-1980

RECOVERY CONFUSION is NORMAL (cont)
c. what we know vs don’t know
d. because of incongruity

e. family influences
What are ACoAs primarily ADDICTED to? Our family!
They installed our buttons & they can push them all too easily – any time we’re in contact with them. BUT not forever! Recovery does provide relief with S & I.

However, until then, dealing with our family (especially parents) means we can still be influenced by their dis-ease :
• In recovery, part of what confused us is that we underplay / deny how great our damage really is. Assuming it “wasn’t that bad” makes it harder to appreciate how much work it takes to heal
• The WIC wants to be loyal to them to not feel abandoned & to not abandon them! “I have to listen to my family. They KNOW.  I’m wrong & they’re right…..”

All of this creates internal conflict (dissonance), having one foot in the old & one in the new – about ideas, patterns, awarenesses, choices… old introject (PP) tapes still blaring their poison, competing with the new info we’ve been learning. Very confusing. Who should we listen to?

We keep wondering: “What’s true? Am I just feeling my parents’ pain for them – so they don’t have to (because they don’t want to)? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Am I depressed?  Why can’t I get it? There are so many versions of ‘health’, & what about Spirituality & Forgiveness? Aren’t I supposed to turn the other cheek, take the high road?….”

Any time we get stuck in some area of life – we want to do it differently, but can’t seem to move – it means we’re in serious conflict – & the negative side is winning. Then we have to find out what the PP & WIC are thinking & feeling, so we can identify the “Negative Benefit” of not moving forward.
As we stay on the Path to mental health, we begin to experience our own Inner Truth. With the right info & support these Qs are answered & things get clearer.

f. because of the contrast – between:
• the way we were treated by our family & other abandoning, abusive, neglectful, torturing adults (school, religion, caretakers…)
vs.
• the way healthy, respectful, kind, loving PPT treat us – in the present – once we have enough self-esteem to place ourselves in saner situations.

This new way of being treated is a tectonic shift & represents our growth! But at first the contrast just doesn’t compute, doesn’t feel real, can’t last, is an accident….

Our discomfort with ‘goodness’ points out the severity of the early abuse & neglect, which brings up rage & sorrow. Eventually we come to live ‘in the light’ of the positive, which then becomes the new norm!

CAUTION: S & I is very scary to the WIC, & intensely resisted by our PP. So, as we move away from damaged thinking & acting, there’s a strong pull to revert! The Program reminds us that our ‘disease’ is “cunning, baffling & insidious!”
It’s as if it has a life of it’s own & doesn’t want to be left behind.

SO – practice disobeying the Toxic family Rules – no matter how confusing. When we backslide / regress – we do NOT have to stay there! We will feel guilty at first, but that will pass as we keep up the self-care.

So, even when we hear the old tapes, they won’t be as loud – most of the time. We may still get confused occasionally, but now we have new tapes with better info, & slowly we get less trapped between loyalty to the family vs. loyalty to ourselves!

NEXT: Confusion #4d