PREVIOUS: Being Loved #2

SITE: Roach Motel for Lovers∼
Dr. Gottman

POSTS: “Not enough Love?”

BOOK: “Is Your Love Tank Empty? “∼ Bo Sanchez (re. God’s love)

How do you know if your love tank is low or near empty? 
DEPRESSION: feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, sad…. & unlovable
FEEL LOST: lack direction, don’t know what you want to do in life
WEIGHT : eat to find the comfort & love you’re not getting elsewhere
RELATIONSHIP : your partner may be trying to connect, but since you’re speaking different ‘love language’ it’s not working  (Five Love Languages)

With a low or empty Love Tank, we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, sad…. and then treat others UN-lovingly, which can lessen their love tanks too. Many of us did come from a family that was not able to fill our tank on a regular basis. So we didn’t learn how to fill our own, which is our task now.

Many people go for the quick fix – some temporary external source to fill our love tank & get rid of the yucky feeling of hollowness & pain. We’re familiar with all the many things we use to get relief – additions & distractions.  But none of them work, not only because they come from the outside, but because they’re not LOVE.

NOTE : The only external source of Love that’s 100% reliable, always available, safe & totally filling – is God’s Love. (John 3:16 + 19 other verses)

Some of us go for more ‘positive fillers’ which seem OK – giving to others, being social, getting love from someone else. These may not be as worthless & harmful as the more obvious ones, but can be just as insubstantial. And outside sources are not always available, & not reliable in the long-term.

It’s like eating lots of cotton candy when we’re very hungry & need healthy nourishing food. It may taste good at first, but evaporates as soon as it goes in, & so our tank stays depleted. This is co-dependence.

HOW is the Love Tank filled?
Naturally, with what the tank is made to hold – LOVE. From ourselves first. Then from appropriate others.
LOVE is not mainly adoration, worship or self-sacrifice, although in some cases it can be : a first-time mother with her newborn, a brand new love relationship, our gratitude-response to a patient & Loving God….

LOVE is an emotion expressed in actions, based on our beliefs about it, & a willingness to show it. It consists of small everyday things we do for ourselves & for others (when possible) which are kind, thoughtful & suited to the current situation.

LOVE is consistent & persistent, not the flash-in-the-pan excitement based on a fantasy about who someone is or will be – for us!

Sometimes LOVE shows up as putting in a lot of effort, not just for that big job of helping a friend move apartments, but having the courage to persistently push for Recovery from our childhood abuse, especially as it means facing & feeling deep pain & fear. That’s real LOVE toward ourselves!

ACoAs assume we don’t have a right to be loved – that we’re worthless junk – but the longing & human need to be loved doesn’t go away. We think that longing is stupid – a character defect!. If our parents didn’t treat us lovingly – then why should we? It’s why we pick such unavailable & abusive people to marry, be friends with, work for….. But Al-Anon reminds us that “God doesn’t make junk!”

Here are some very basic ways for us to practices healthy self-love, to fill the love tank. All of then take time & effort. The UNIT is in charge of implementing these because the Wounded Kid & Bad Parent will fight against them. So it takes intention & perseverance, but you are worth the effort, even if the family couldn’t see it. Start with a small thought or action today.
How do you refill your love tank?
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ALSO :  Commit to your physical health – cut back on drinking, improve eating habits, & exercise regularly. This CHART identifies what body parts are affected by emotional, mental & social stressors.

SO – the more you LOVE your whole self (Healthy Adult, Loving Inner Parent, Wounded Child & Healthy Child), your body will thank you by functioning better.
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NEXT: Kindness #1

PREVIOUS : Being Loved – Kids (#2)

SITE : “5 Ways to be a Positive Role Model“

 QUOTE: “They say that what you love doing most before the age of 10 is the best indicator of what your life’s passion will be….

↗️ Seasons exist for a reason. There’s a huge difference between holding & clinging. We can hold on in good faith to relationships, beliefs & attitudes that have served us well, even through challenging times
but when we cling to them with a death grip – when they no longer serve us – we can’t receive or embrace anything new & wonderful.” ∼ Beth Briggs

ACoAs:
It’s likely that none of us received the love & safety we needed from our family – regardless of the reason.  The following lists identify what we had a right to – not because we’re better than anyone else but just because we’re here & are God’s creation. And God doesn’t make junk!

Now we can apply this info to how we treat ourselves – being our own Loving Parent & Healthy Adult (the UNIT) to heal & nurture both our Healthy and Wounded Inner Child (the WIC).
Then can we have these attitudes toward our external children, grandchildren & others in our life.

CAVAT: Although this list is in the form of Promises – as wounded Recovering people, we’re not in touch daily with our Inner Children, the way we need to be for the best growth outcome.
So promising the WIC that ‘everything will be OK’ & we’ll ‘take care of it’ – but then we forget to do it – is not being truthful & dependable, no matter how good our intensions. Un-kept promises tells our INNER that we’re not trustworthy – just like our parents. So then it won’t rely on or believe us.

It’s better to use this list as conscious ACTIVE WILLINGNESS, working toward incorporating the principles slowly one-day-at-a-time, without self-judgment.
• Posts: “Why RESIST Talking with the Inner Child?”
• Use WORKBOOK : “The Recovery of your Inner Child” ∼ Lucia Cappacchione

💞 How many of these qualities have you already made a part of your life?  Give yourself credit
for those, & work on adding in the others, slow & steady.
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💞These verses are a great way to deal with all life’s stresses, no matter what our age.
«

NEXT: The Love Tank

PREVIOUS : Being Loved – #1

SITEs : ESSAY – a Parent’s love

🙏🏼 God’s love as Parent – unconditional, sacrificia

The #1 job of a parent is to meet their child’s need for LOVE. And children spell love T-I-M-E.

A child’s tank filled up with love is a happy, emotionally stable child. But because of internal & external pressures, many guilt-stricken parents misinterpret the kind of love that kids need, trying to make up for lost time by not enforcing boundaries or appropriate expectations.
However, the outward expression of authentic parental love is a skill that can be learned.

BRAIN Growth
Research from Washington U in St. Louis, showed that a mother’s love helps her child’s brain grow – as much as twice the rate as that of a neglected child.

SPIRITUAL Growth
Love is a physical need for children. Authentic parental love helps them develop an awareness of being a beloved child of God, one who has the capacity & responsibility to share that love with others.

SECURITY & BOUNDARIES
Kids don’t like boundaries – they actually crave them. True parental love allows them to feel safe & secure by providing limits (if age-appropriate), even though a children’s desire for immediate gratification can get in the way.
But even if they won’t admit it, children thrive in a home with loving, clearly defined boundaries.

ADVERSITY
Kids from loving homes tend to be more adaptable. This gives them the roots needed to develop resilience & a healthy perspective for facing life’s issues.
When they get honest encouraging & supportive words from parents they’re better able to develop perseverance, self-control & patience.

SELF-CONFIDENCE
Kids become self-confident when they feel a genuine, unconditional parent-love. They able to enjoy positive experiences in life, instead of worrying about what the future holds.
Family environments where love is regularly expressed prepare children to boldly face much of what they’ll be dealing with as adults.
(From Danny Huerta, MSW, LCSW, LSSW at Focus on the Family)
💕   💕

The 5 LOVE LANGUAGES – for KIDS
Gary Chapman & Dr. Ross Campbell introduced this idea in “The Five Love Languages” & later in “The Five Love Languages of Children”. They pointed out that it’s common to have different love languages in a family, which can be tricky to navigate if unknown. But once parents learn each child’s style, & are willing to implement it, it makes a big difference in their relationships, including with siblings – all for the better.

Being loved unconditionally by others helps children TO:
– express their capacity to love, & allow themselves to accept love
– develop a realistic sense of who they are, as well as being part of a unit
– learn to trust their own experiences & opinions, because they feel safe
– cope with delay & frustrations, an inevitable part of life
– experience a range of emotions & communicate what they think & feel.

The following preferential styles don’t have to be exclusive – but rather – are the overall way each child feels seen, heard & given to.

NEXT: Narcissism – Overt #1

PREVIOUS : ACoAs as Narcissist  #3

SITEs :  ✦ Characteristics of Parental Love
✦ What Is Parental Love & How It Can Change People

NOTE:
Narcissist posts will continue on 5/8/2021

🥰 POSITIVE ideas & emotions broaden an our thought-action repertoire, & solve problems during personal growth & development.
EXPs:
🤍 LOVE sparks a recurring cycle to pursue healthy urges – within safe, close relationships
💚 INTEREST & CURIOSITY spark the urge to explore
💝 JOY & HUMOR spark the urge to play
💛 SAFETY & CONTENTMENT spark the urge to savor & integrate

⬇️ 8 TYPES of LOVE, using Ancient Greek names which they chose from their studies of this subject. These categories still apply today. (Explanations…

NEXT : Being Loved #2

 PREVIOUS : ACoAs an Ns (#2)

SITEs: NPD Statistics

💔 “Understanding Fear of Abandonment”  (+ the signs)

ADULT narcissism is a failed attempt to make up for what we never got as kids, by trying to force the world into a carbon copy of ourselves – or of what we want it to be – with no genuine regard for others as separate being with their own specific personality (not ours) & their own back story.

💔 IMPLICIT in all ACoA narcissism is our intense, all encompassing FoA – Fear of Abandonment. So, whichever Toxic Role we ‘favor’, the underlying motivation for all unhealthy behavior is FoA. This fear causes ACoAs to never feel safe anywhere or with anyone, UNTIL we apply daily self care in whatever PMES ways are possible, to heal ODAT, (scroll to paragraph 2….) & when necessary – OMAT = one minute….
(41 Clingy girlfriend cartoons)

Other Signs of ACoA Narcissism
✘ Childish grandiosity: insist we can change / fix / heal a loved one, as if we have god-like powers. This is never possible, & even more so when the other person has made it clear they’re not interested in changing, although we beg, cajole or demand it of them. (POST…..)
OR:
“I want to do that, so I will” (visit a dangerous location, ride a moped without a license, swim alone in the ocean, date a married man……), even though we don’t actually know how, or have no idea of the possible negative consequences to ourself & others

✘ Clinging : specifically to someone who is no longer interested in continuing a friendship or love relationship, OR keeping up a fantasy connection with someone who was never with us in the first place.
This is N on your part because you think your needs are the only ones that count

✘ Codependence : using other people to tell us who we are & how to behave, instead of finding the True Self were were born to be

✘ People-pleasing : the motivation is completely selfish – doing or ‘being’ what we think others want of us but not for their benefit.
We’re trying to control others to prevent them from abandoning us, as if it’s their job to be there for us (it’s not), & as if we’re still an infant or mentally retarded (we’re not)!

✘ Rescuing : trying to do for others what they can or should be doing for themselves – not from generosity but to make us feel important, feel needed, not alone…. & is actually arrogant & presumptuous.
(Post : “Healthy Helping“)

✴︎ Overvalue, then Undervalue (re. thoughts) : we imagine that someone we’re around is wonderful (all good), attributing qualities to them we wish for. As soon as we test them & they fall short of our ideal, we trash them – making them all bad.

✘ Unrealistic expectations (re. actions) :  Over or under, we expect everyone to behave in a logical, appropriate, rational way, no matter who they actually are. We’re making them up to suit our own needs or fears. The expectations have nothing to do with who the other person actually is.

✘ Victim role : While we truly were victims as children, we have options now we never did in the past. This includes isolating (not introversion), which comes from : Fear of abandonment, Lack of personal boundaries, Obeying Toxic Family Rules & Self-hate.

Continuing the pattern of deprivation in many parts of our life is a self-destructive, rebellious way we keep hoping for someone to magically come & rescue us from having to take care of ourselves.
It’s also a way of depriving the world of our natural talents & help.

🌈 RECOVERY from our narcissism comes from continually providing the WIC with all the care & love we never got as kids, so we can connect with others without an ulterior motive.

NOTE: The next 6 posts are a break in the current Narc series, to be resumed mid-June.

NEXT: BEING LOVED (Part 1)

PREVIOUS : ACoAs as Ns (#1)

SITE: ACoNs – Surviving the N. Parent (Adult-children of Ns)

REMINDER : The goal of Recovery is to teach our mind that choice is always a possibility. It’s only when we refuse to think outside the box that our parents, abusive partners, bosses & ‘friends’ will be able to keep us in the Victim Role. Not being willing to consider new & better options (no matter how scary) keeps us from moving forward in our life.

“Small ns” = These versions of N expressions & behavior may be lesser evils, not as deeply harmful, but are emotionally abandoning, even in the best of cases.
NOTE : To be actual small-ns, comments or actions usually refer to 2 or more people who know each other, & usually for a long time. When dealing with rare acquaintances or strangers, we can ASK for info before responding or reaction to a situation

 EXPs of everyday ACoA narcissism :
✿ Starting any sentence with:
“I just don’t understand how — he / she / they — can’t get it / thinks that way / wants to do that / wears that / wouldn’t want to try this ____ …..”,
as if only your point of view if right or makes sense

✿ Your good friend enthusiastically shows you a Journal Writing entry using a new pen, but it’s such a pale color that before you can think, you say : “Can you actually see that?” – meaning that it’s too light for you (but obviously nor her)

✿ Telling someone who you’ve observed has very different tastes & opinions from you – that :
“You have to read this book, Go to that great new shoe store, Try that ____ restaurant, Go to my healer…..- you’ll love it!”,
when in fact the person you’re talking to wouldn’t be caught dead following your suggestion, because it’s soooo not them, AND you did know that!

✿ Truly believing that because you know the ‘right’ way to do something (even if you are correct), everyone should also, no matter how different they actually are, or how incapable of following that prescription.
You just want everyone to make your world a safer place. (Like demanding a cripple run a marathon).

✿ Buying any gift for someone you know well – or should – which is only your taste, but which doesn’t actually suit the other person (MORE…. ➡️)

✿ Over-reacting to real or imagined criticism as a ‘Vulnerable’ N – with shame, fear of abandonment, self hate & over-explanations, OR
as a Grandiose N – outraged & in a rage, feeling humiliated & wounded pride, with verbal or physical attacks

3 most PERVASIVE signs of ingrained ACoA Narcissism
❗️Taking everything personally – This can be about the weather, the news, an unavailable item in a store, being put on hold, having to wait for a text – or anything, a boss being controlling, the way someone looked at you or didn’t notice you – even not being able to find something in your home, as if the object is deliberately hiding….

Our secret motto is “ME, ME, ME….it’s all about me!”
— which always & only refers to others’ responses – that no matter what they do or don’t do, you think it’s about you, and
— we do not want to know that 99% of the time other people (whoever) are not thinking about us – being busy doing their own thing – because that would feel like abandonment! (Post: Keep the focus on yourself)

❗️❗️Self-Hate – blaming yourself for causing all the disappointments experienced, & any pain you feel now. This is not reality, especially when the original source of your pain (family) is / was totally out of your control!
Remember Al-Anon’s 3 Cs: “I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.”

❗️❗️❗️Symbiosis : you know – it’s that high you get from being with a new friend or lover, spending every day & night wrapped up in their aura. The feeling of absolute ‘union’ you’ve been waiting for all your life!

Problem: what we really want is a carbon copy of ourselves – the infant’s connection with mom – we never got!
Now – when we start finding out the other person is not us, we feel deeply disappointed, betrayed, & then whine, attack or dump them.

NEXT: ACoAs as Ns (# 3)

PREVIOUS :
N. Mind Games #7

POST: “ACA Laundry List” See #4)

NOTE:
The following 3 posts will be about how ACoAs express our narcissism. In case you object to the idea (many do) or wonder how that can be – here is a list of the parallels between alcoholism & narcissism which we grew up with. 

1) Denial
N : Narcissism (N) is characterized by iron-clad denial. From their point of view, they have no problems & can do no wrong. Bragging & a damn-the-consequences-swagger are essential parts of many N personae

Al: Denial also keeps addiction in place. The Alcoholic’s (Al) denial shows up in many ways, like saying they can stop drinking anytime they want, lying about when they drank, or refusing to acknowledge the consequences of their drinking.
That’s why AA members say  “I’m ____ & I’m an alcoholic.” It breaks denial.

2) Lack of introspection
N : NPD narcissists are not interested in self-reflection. Doing so would risk facing their character defects & emptiness

Al : Addiction can also mask inner conflicts, a low self-image & painful emotions. As long as an addict uses, those problems go unaddressed. They pile up & get harder & harder to face

3) Entitlement
N : Ns are also defined by entitlement – feeling superior to almost everyone. Not caring about others (lacking empathy), they give themselves full permission to do whatever they want, in spite of social & spiritual rules, or the cost to others.

Al: The alcoholic’s sacred entitlement is drinking. Many are willing to lose everyone & everything in their lives before give up alcohol

4) Self-absorption
N  / Al : For both – its all about ME. Their needs are primary. While both may seem to function normally in many settings (when not drunk or triggered by loss of supply), their self-focus always shows up

5) Self-destructiveness
N : Ns are trapped in a non-stop compulsion devoted to preserving their image, & preventing anything that will make them feel small & unimportant

Al: Without help, alcoholics also will sacrifice health, well-being, reputation, relationships & self-esteem

6) Refusal to take responsibility
N : Ns are quick to blame others for “making me act” the way they do. They almost never apologize or promise to change. That would show weakness, which is unbearable to Ns, sullying the image they desperately hang on to

Al: Active alcoholics are also quick to blame PPT (people, places & things) for “making me act” the way they do. While some apologize for their behavior & promise to turn over a new leaf, their continued drinking & abusive ways eventually are seen for what they are – as empty as their bottles

7) Behavior can switch rapidly
N : Ns can go from charming <–to–> threatening in a heartbeat. Feeling slighted or ‘disobeyed’ can send them into full battle mode

Al: Alcoholics’ mood & actions can also swing drastically, especially when under the influence. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, leading to outrageous, dangerous or abusive behavior

8) Superficial relationships
❧ The N’s dysfunction & the alcoholic’s active addiction make it impossible for them
to form & nurture deep, meaningful relationships
N : Trying to have a reciprocal, honest conversation with a N is a hit-or-miss proposition, & impossible with NPDs. It’s their way or the highway.

Al: Similarly, trying to make a meaningful connection with someone who’s drunk is a fools errand. And they won’t remember it later!

9) Manipulation of others
❧ Both will use anybody they can – to get their fix.
N : The N’s fix is attention & self-gratification. They only see others in terms of what they can get from them

Al: The alcoholic’s fix is a drink. Others are viewed as either enabling their drinking or as potential threats to their freedom to drink. They need enablers as cover

10) Behavior is at others expense
N  / A : Those close to both Ns & Als experience being used, emotional abandonment, deprivation & rejection, creating feelings of rage & shame. Loved ones of both may withdraw or eventually leave the relationship

11) Shame
N : Avoiding shame drives much of narcissists behavior. Instead, they cope by dishing shame out to others

Al: Alcoholics carry immense shame, but their drinking numbs or masks it.
(This List modified from Dan Neuharth PhD MFT)

💘 Some people are both NPDs & active addicts, which makes them doubly hard to deal with. ACoAs had to cope with both types in childhood, absorbing many of their traits, but using our native personality as filter to ‘reinterpret’ their patterns.

NEXT: ACoAs as Narcissists (#1)

PREVIOUS: Mind Games #6

MIND GAMES (cont)

√SHAPE-SHIFT
To keep their audience of ego-strokers, Ns are great at morphing into whatever persona will get then the most points for charm & desirability. These shifts are dictated by the circumstance & environment they happen to be in, to maintain good will, & ‘accommodate’ the person or group they can use.

Interesting: If you belong to a group where the N behaves a specific way (the pious goody in church, humanitarian of the year…. ) and then accidentally run into them in a totally different setting (drunk in a night club, bully boss at work….) you may be shocked & confused. Don’t be. They’re just a N shape-shifter.

√SLY DIGS
Many Ns love slyly putting you down in the form of joking. The point is to make an insulting comment you can both laugh at, but which will also make you feel bad about yourself.
EXP: Saying to a very thin woman “Be careful in the shower that you don’t slide down the drain” or “You’re so thin the wind will blow you away” HaHa….

It may be a funny jab at a physical characteristic (weight, bad at sports…) or mental quality (not having a higher education, trouble with math….). Even if you ask them to stop & explain politely why it’s hurtful, the N will keep at it. If they stop then, it’ll happen again, especially in front of others. Then – accuse you of being too sensitive or a cry baby – if you’re upset.

SMEARING 
Toxic Ns will slander you to family, friends & co-workers – to hide their own abusive behavior, by projecting it onto you. A smear campaign tries to sabotages your reputation so you’ll lose whatever support network you started out with, & then you won’t have anyone to fall back on if you decide to cut ties with the N. (More in the posts about Flying Monkeys)

TRIANGULATION
It’s when the N brings a 3rd person into your relationship to keep control, by only communicating through the extra voice. It’s most often used when there’s a problem in your relationship, & the N has no intention of facing & solving it. To convince you that you’re the cause, the N will find someone who’ll have their same perspective & get them to ‘explain it’ to you.

This 3rd person may compare you negatively to the N’s ex, a coworker, or another friend who’s better …. to reinforce the N’s goal of shutting you down.
OR the N can bring in a potential rival as a threat of abandonment, to ‘bring you in line’.
— In a family it can be pitting 2 people against a 3rd, to undermine that one’s power (EXP: mother & son against father).
— To divide & conquer, the N is the outside force who pits 2 other people against each other, to gain an advantage over or destroy perceived rivals

WITHHOLDING SEX &/or AFFECTION
Ns know that if they don’t give humans enough of something they need, they’ll long for more.
Any rare substance is usually highly valued. Unfortunately, your brain can misinterpret the deprivation as pining for the N.
Since they consider themselves a great prize – to maintain this delusion they ration themselves out to always leave you ‘hungry’.

This includes sex & affection, & with some Ns it’s even rationing their time, disappearing for weeks, then suddenly reappearing . That way these Ns can enjoy the grandiosity of tossing you a bone every now & then, as a reward for ‘good’ behaviors. And most Victims hungrily devour these scraps.

WORD SALAD CONFLICTS
If you ever disagree with a N, want something different, or challenge them in any way – expect circular reasoning, mis-direction, projection & gaslighting. Distorted & nonsense talk often erupt into arguments – to confuse, discredit & frustrate. It’s meant to distract you from the main topic.

It can make you feel guilty for questioning the N’s behavior & (non-existent) integrity, & the nerve for having independent opinions & emotions. To the N, you are only & always the problem.

(Posts : “Narc-Speak #1“and “Conversational Narcissism“)

NEXT: Alcoholism overlaps with N

PREVIOUS: N Mind Games #5

SITE: Top 10 Best Video Game Narcissists of All-Time!

MIND GAMES (cont)
√PROVOKING JEALOUSY
Many Ns will use sexual charm to get attention, in any situation. So even when in a romantic relationship, they flash it around whether you’re with them or not.
EXP: Befriending a flesh-&-blood person who could be a potential lover, romantically flirt online, keep track of &/or contact exes, turn their head to stare at any attractive person on the street, talk at length about a new person a work, openly flirt with others right in front of you…..

The fact that disrespecting you in these ways is degrading & hurts your feelings is dismissed as irrelevant. The N wants you to feel jealous, & to complain – so they can criticize you for being unreasonable. Also  –
✦ your jealousy is seen as a great compliment, basking in the ‘glory’ of what they imagine are two people fighting over them
✦ once you’re labeled insanely jealous, they can continue their bad behavior, since any objections from you will prove YOU are the problem, not them.

VARIATION : SUBTLE FLIRTING
Because it’s indirect, you bound to be confused, wondering if what you think you’re picking up is real. You know something’s off, but can’t quite put your finger on how, & certainly can’t ‘prove’ it. Of course they’ll deny it, accusing you of paranoia. And if they’re acting flirty when drinking, they don’t mean anything by it & well, what do you expect?

It can be right in front of you :
– stand slightly closer to another person than is socially acceptable / normal
– gaze into someone’s eyes a split second too long,\
– place their hand on someone’s back too long when walked then to the door
– turn the other person’s innocent comment into a sexual innuendo, saying things like “I look forward to seeing you again soon”
– exchange phone numbers, texting a ‘friend’ while on a date with you…..

√PSYCHIC DRAINING
The N’s hunger for constant Supply for attention & adoration make them “emotional vampires” who deprive Sensitives / Empaths of energy, a sense of emotional safety & the ability to do self-care.
Being with a psychic drainer for any length of time will leave you in pain – anxious, confused, depressed & frightened. It will affect your productivity, the ability to focus, & your overall PMES well-being.

√SHAMING
Ns use shame to diminish you, so is very damaging. It’s especially confusing when done by a N you trust & adore. In any N relationship, the N wants to be seen as the adult & the other person as the child.

a. One form of this sadistic tactic is to use your insecurities & personal problems to always be ‘one-up’ by making you ashamed of the things you’re the most insecure about, to destroy any value you may think you have

b. Another form is by condescending & constant belittlement, talking down using “baby talk” at you, calling you immature & saying you need to grow up. Also, ‘talking over‘ you, being ‘the authority’ (I know best), & physical posturing. The implication is that only they are psychologically ‘developed’.

SILENT TREATMENT
A form of ghosting in person! It’s passive-aggressive emotional abuse, to indicate how angry they are at you for some infraction. It’s another way to convince you how ‘bad’ you are, triggering feelings of abandonment & rejection. AND you’re powerless to fix it, because according to the N it’s “the real you”.

It shows displeasure, disapproval, & contempt in a nonverbal form – saying you’re not worth being acknowledged.  It can include physical signals like glaring, making a ‘disgusted’ sound whenever they see you, deliberately walking past without eye contact, not responding to comments or questions….

If the N withdraws long enough, you can become love-starved. Then eventually they can be magnanimous & reinstate you in their good graces, creating in you an even deeper slave-bond, so you’ll do whatever they want to insure they won’t withdraw again. But of course, they’ll aways find something to stir their N-rage, & you’ll be in the dog house again. UGH!

NEXT : Mind Games #7