SITE: ACoNs – Surviving the N. Parent (Adult-children of Ns)
REMINDER : The goal of Recovery is to teach our mind that choice is always a possibility. It’s only when we refuse to think outside the box that our parents, abusive partners, bosses & ‘friends’ will be able to keep us in the Victim Role. Not being willing to consider new & better options (no matter how scary) keeps us from moving forward in our life.
“Small ns” = These versions of N expressions & behavior may be lesser evils, not as deeply harmful, but are emotionally abandoning, even in the best of cases.
NOTE : To be actual small-ns, comments or actions usually refer to 2 or more people who know each other, & usually for a long time. When dealing with rare acquaintances or strangers, we can ASK for info before responding or reaction to a situation
EXPs of everyday ACoA narcissism :
✿ Starting any sentence with:
“I just don’t understand how — he / she / they — can’t get it / thinks that way / wants to do that / wears that / wouldn’t want to try this ____ …..”,
as if only your point of view if right or makes sense
✿ Your good friend enthusiastically shows you a Journal Writing entry using a new pen, but it’s such a pale color that before you can think, you say : “Can you actually see that?” – meaning that it’s too light for you (but obviously nor her)
✿ Telling someone who you’ve observed has very different tastes & opinions from you – that :
“You have to read this book, Go to that great new shoe store, Try that ____ restaurant, Go to my healer…..- you’ll love it!”,
when in fact the person you’re talking to wouldn’t be caught dead following your suggestion, because it’s soooo not them, AND you did know that!
✿ Truly believing that because you know the ‘right’ way to do something (even if you are correct), everyone should also, no matter how different they actually are, or how incapable of following that prescription.
You just want everyone to make your world a safer place. (Like demanding a cripple run a marathon).
✿ Buying any gift for someone you know well – or should – which is only your taste, but which doesn’t actually suit the other person (MORE…. ➡️)
✿ Over-reacting to real or imagined criticism as a ‘Vulnerable’ N – with shame, fear of abandonment, self hate & over-explanations, OR
as a Grandiose N – outraged & in a rage, feeling humiliated & wounded pride, with verbal or physical attacks
3 most PERVASIVE signs of ingrained ACoA Narcissism
❗️Taking everything personally – This can be about the weather, the news, an unavailable item in a store, being put on hold, having to wait for a text – or anything, a boss being controlling, the way someone looked at you or didn’t notice you – even not being able to find something in your home, as if the object is deliberately hiding….
Our secret motto is “ME, ME, ME….it’s all about me!”
— which always & only refers to others’ responses – that no matter what they do or don’t do, you think it’s about you, and
— we do not want to know that 99% of the time other people (whoever) are not thinking about us – being busy doing their own thing – because that would feel like abandonment! (Post: Keep the focus on yourself)
❗️❗️Self-Hate – blaming yourself for causing all the disappointments experienced, & any pain you feel now. This is not reality, especially when the original source of your pain (family) is / was totally out of your control!
Remember Al-Anon’s 3 Cs: “I didn’t cause it, can’t control it, can’t cure it.”
❗️❗️❗️Symbiosis : you know – it’s that high you get from being with a new friend or lover, spending every day & night wrapped up in their aura. The feeling of absolute ‘union’ you’ve been waiting for all your life!
Problem: what we really want is a carbon copy of ourselves – the infant’s connection with mom – we never got!
Now – when we start finding out the other person is not us, we feel deeply disappointed, betrayed, & then whine, attack or dump them.
NEXT: ACoAs as Ns (# 3)