PREVIOUS : ACoAs an Ns (#2)
SITEs: NPD Statistics
💔 “Understanding Fear of Abandonment” (+ the signs)
Adult narcissism is a failed attempt to make up for what we never got as kids, by trying to force the world into a carbon copy of ourselves – or of what we want it to be – with no genuine regard for others as separate being with their own specific personality (not ours) & their own back story.
💔 IMPLICIT in all ACoA narcissism is our intense, all encompassing FoA – Fear of Abandonment. So, whichever Toxic Role we ‘favor’, the underlying motivation for all unhealthy behavior is FoA. This fear causes ACoAs to never feel safe anywhere or with anyone, UNTIL we apply daily self care in whatever PMES ways are possible, to heal ODAT, (scroll to paragraph 2….) & when necessary – OMAT = one minute….
(41 Clingy girlfriend cartoons)
Other Signs of ACoA Narcissism
✘ Childish grandiosity: insist we can change / fix / heal a loved one, as if we have god-like powers. This is never possible, & even more so when the other person has made it clear they’re not interested in changing, although we beg, cajole or demand it of them. (POST…..)
“I want to do that, so I will” (visit a dangerous location, ride a moped without a license, swim alone in the ocean, date a married man……), even though we don’t actually know how, or have no idea of the possible negative consequences to ourself & others
✘ Clinging : specifically to someone who is no longer interested in continuing a friendship or love relationship, OR keeping up a fantasy connection with someone who was never with us in the first place.
This is N on your part because you think your needs are the only ones that count
✘ Codependence : using other people to tell us who we are & how to behave, instead of finding the True Self were were born to be
✘ People-pleasing : the motivation is completely selfish – doing or ‘being’ what we think others want of us but not for their benefit.
We’re trying to control others to prevent them from abandoning us, as if it’s their job to be there for us (it’s not), & as if we’re still an infant or mentally retarded (we’re not)!
✘ Rescuing : trying to do for others what they can or should be doing for themselves – not from generosity but to make us feel important, feel needed, not alone…. & is actually arrogant & presumptuous.
(Post : “Healthy Helping“)
✴︎ Overvalue, then Undervalue (re. thoughts) : we imagine that someone we’re around is wonderful (all good), attributing qualities to them we wish for. As soon as we test them & they fall short of our ideal, we trash them – making them all bad.
✘ Unrealistic expectations (re. actions) : Over or under, we expect everyone to behave in a logical, appropriate, rational way, no matter who they actually are. We’re making them up to suit our own needs or fears. The expectations have nothing to do with who the other person actually is.
✘ Victim role : While we truly were victims as children, we have options now we never did in the past. This includes isolating (not introversion), which comes from : Fear of abandonment, Lack of personal boundaries, Obeying Toxic Family Rules & Self-hate.
Continuing the pattern of deprivation in many parts of our life is a self-destructive, rebellious way we keep hoping for someone to magically come & rescue us from having to take care of ourselves.
It’s also a way of depriving the world of our natural talents & help.
🌈 RECOVERY from our narcissism comes from continually providing the WIC with all the care & love we never got as kids, so we can connect with others without an ulterior motive.
NOTE: The next 6 posts are a break in the current Narc series, to be resumed mid-June.
NEXT: BEING LOVED (Part 1)