PREVIOUS : Lying & the EYES

SITE : “….When Your Mate is LYING ALL the TIME”

Signs of a Lying Mate
Your mate may think they’re hiding the truth from you, but if you pay closer attention to both their words & non-verbal language, you’ll admit you’ve been seeing signs from early on in the relationship – maybe even on the first date!

WHY it’s Hard to be Sure a Mate or Partner is Lying
In spite of the assumption that the most reliable cues of lying are nonverbal, research suggests that when it comes to the truth of another’s story, the most accurate cues are verbal, which included how plausible the story was.

1. Crossing the Line. It’s uncomfortable & seems impolite to accuse someone of lying. Our sense of family training & social etiquette often keeps us from being correctly suspicious. And without being able to cross-examine the potential liar, it makes the lies much harder to notice & acknowledge to ourself

2. Differences in Motivation.  A lying mate may have a deep need to successfully deceive you. Unless there are blatant reasons for you to be suspicion, you may not be very motivated to test the truth of your mate’s ‘stories’. You may say to yourself – “I’m just not sure”.

3. Differences in Skill. Lying successfully is a skill that can be developed over time. Your mate may be a much better liar than you are a being a human lie-detector. In fact, there’s good evidence that even people who are specifically trained to catch the signals don’t get that much better at it. Good liars tend to have the upper hand.

4. Trusting Bias. Research clearly shows that we trust others too much. Even in studies where people are told that they will hear 50% lies and 50% truths, they choose to believe well over half as “truthful.” (70- 90%). Naturally, this trusting bias is even stronger toward people we love. In everyday interactions with those close to us, we bend over backwards to give them the benefit of the doubt.

6. You Fear the Consequences. Many times in relationships, we don’t want to test our mate’s honesty because there can be severe consequences. It may drive a wedge between the 2 of you, with a threat of emotional abandonment or divorce.  They may become very angry & in some cases violent….. So, for many people, not knowing the truth may be more bearable than the alternative. (from : R. E> Riggio, PhD)
♥️                 💙                     ♥️

IMPACT of a Lying Partner
A lying mate hurts the entire family system. Some effects include loss of intimacy, increased conflicts, & divorce. Once an ugly truth comes out it leaves the spouse & children feeling confused, rejected, angry, sad, scared, even foolish. Previous trust in the lying mate is damaged, & depending how big the lie is – it dramatically changes the family’s relationships with each other, & can be very hard to recover from.

HOW to RESPOND
If you’re talking with your mate & become aware that they’re lying, it’s best to address it right away. How much you say & how you say it – is ultimately up to you, but there are some things it’s best to always do, regardless of the situation :

❥ Immediately.  As soon as you think or know your mate is lying, speak up. Always listen to your body & mind – you have intelligence & experience. Let them know what they did or said that triggered your gut reaction.

❥ Be assertive – but not aggressive, if possible.  If you suspect your mate may be lying, state your concern about wanting to be able to trust them. Clearly identifying the honesty you need & expect in your relationship. Set healthy boundaries for what is & is not acceptable, being prepared to leave if your mate consistently violates them.

❥ Check their understanding. Do not assume your mate fully understands your objections to their lying. Be sure they understand what you mean you by asking them to repeat back or paraphrase your point. Encourage them to ask clarifying questions, to prevent any misunderstandings.

💔  Leaving a Lying Spouse
A mate lying is a major violation against you & the union. With lots of patience & perseverance (couples therapy, 12-step Program, church) – the emotional damage may be repaired & trust restored.
However, if you’ve been hurt too much & for too long, or your mate doesn’t have what it takes to change, it may be time to walk away.
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : LIARS & the BODY (Part 3)

SITE : “How to Read People’s Eye Direction and Behavior”

Eye Contact is among the most basic ways of social communication used by humans. In Western Cultures people tend to make eye contact 45-65 % of the time while talking, & 65-85% of the time while listening.
• Too little eye contact indicates the person is avoiding telling you something.
• Too much can mean they’re trying to convince you that what they’re saying is true.
Watch their eye direction. A person may have a favorite side – left, right, up, or down – when thinking of something. Any dramatic shift can alert you the a listener that they might be stressed or anxious.

The MOVEMENT of someone’s EYES shows what part of the brain they’re accessing. 
Estimating a subject’s looking-direction is a challenge, but eye contact can now be effectively captured by a wearable point-of-view camera.  One group of scientists developed a deep neural network model to automatically detect eye contact in egocentric video, the first to achieve accuracy equivalent to human experts.
You can tell if someone is constructing made-up information or genuinely recalling what actually happened – by which direction their eyes move to. ⬇️ Chart : as you look at someone
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FEAR micro-expression are closely linked to shock. When we’re scared & widen our eyes, our field of view increases. This lets us see any threats that might lurk nearby.
A 1996 study found that when we see someone showing fear on their face – obviously or by micro-expression – we too may feel frightened. EXP – watching an actor in a scary movie makes us feel anxious in reaction, triggered by mirror neuron activity in our amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for emotions such as fear

Watch for Eye-blinking Changes
There’s some truth to the saying, “The eyes are the window to the soul”,  especially when it comes to spotting deception.
When someone is lying, it’s common for them to stare into your eyes & avoid breaking eye contact, “gauging” if you believe them or not – in an effort to control & manipulate.

The Science: Researchers have evaluated various physical measures. In one case, they wanted to determine if changes in eye blinks could be used to detect a person’s false intention. The study concluded that eye blink rate decreases when lying. After lying has finished, that person will tend to yawn & blink more, to refresh their eyes. 

The Key: However, some will blink more when they’re lying. To become a more accurate lie-spotter pay attention to how someone normally blinks, & then compare.   So look for inconsistencies.
If someone is usually an eye-contact champion but suddenly seems like they’re tracking a fly buzzing around the room, or staring at you so hard you wonder if they’re competing with you, that’s your cue. Or vice versa. It’s all about changes in behavior.

Baseline their eyebrow movements.
Are they expressive, free?  OR – look for a combination of HINTs:
• brows stay motionless like a tree stump
• brows are raised & drawn together, usually in a flat line
• upper eyelid is raised, but lower lid is tense & drawn up
• upper white part of the eyes is showing, but not the lower white
• forehead wrinkles are in center between the brows, not across

NEXT : Lying MATES

PREVIOUS : LIARS & the BODY (Part 1)

SITE : “Nonverbal Communication and Body Language“

GENERAL HINTS
BODY
✒︎ Grooming behavior  – playing with / twirling hair, pressing fingers to lips, picking at or brushing off imaginary lint, rubbing excess sweat off back of neck
✒︎  Indifferent or bored posture  – to avoid expressing their emotions. Crossing arms at chest – as self-protection. A rigid stance can be a red flag, since small, relaxed, automatic movements are natural in a truthful conversation

✒︎ Pulling the center of their body inward (concave).  Shrugging one or both shoulders – trying to make themself smaller & less noticeable. Movements can be stiff & awkward

✒︎ Putting barrier-objects between self & another person, on lap if sitting….. When you hit a nerve in a liar they instinctively cover vulnerable body parts (throat or neck, chest, stomach area)

✒︎ HEAD : suddenly jerks head away when asked a direct question abut a lie. Breathing can become rapid & labored

Watch The NECK – Telling a lie doesn’t always come from the mouth. It can get stuck in the neck on the way down (from the brain), making that a great hotspot to notice deception.

If a person touches their neck, it can indicate increased sweat from anxiety about being caught. If they’re wearing a collar, they might instead tug at or adjust it, to seem less obvious.
The act of lying has been found to cause tingling in facial & neck tissues, so a liar will scratch their neck to soothe it, on an average of 5x whenever it itches – rarely more, rarely less.

✒︎ FACE : Touching the face, as if trying to calm themself down. Changing color to a light shade of pink, or blushing.

Mouth is open, with lips slightly tensed or stretched & drawn back.  Watch a person’s smiles — being genuine always includes the entire face, with crow’s feet at the corners of eyes, & contracted cheek muscles.

But when lying : lips are pressed together or are being bitten. The smile looks forced or tense (not from pleasure or as a welcome), & it “does not reach the eyes” which show other emotions such as anger, contempt, disgust, or fear

Other hints :  Swallowing or yawning, voice getting shallower as they breathe heavier. If they’re smoking or chewing gum, it’ll likely to be at a faster pace. Putting a pen or pencil in mouth, chewing on a fingernail, tapping teeth….

The liar may unconsciously cover their mouth to avoid answering a question – an indirect form of dishonesty, or place the hand near it, as if to prevent a lie coming out, which stops communication.

✒︎ HANDS : People tend to fidget the lying, which is a displacement activity that indicates nervous energy. EXP: turn a ring, bracelet watch. Wring their hands, or if sitting, rub palms on pant legs. Chatter with fingertips or hide hands.

It’s very hard to lie with gestures. Say “3” but hold up 4 fingers. However, liars get defensive when caught, which can make them waive their arms, or point a lot with an arm or finger to try to con others into believe their point.
EXP: When asked about Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton clearly looked to his left – as he lied – but pointed directly ahead with his arm. This gesturing disconnect is a surefire symptom.

✒︎ FEET : When people lie, nervous behavior shows by their feet doing a little dance, often unconsciously. This could include squirming, tapping, wrapping one foot around the other, or Pointing in a direction away from the conversation – toward an available exit.

Some may cross their ankles, then pull their feet under the chair. Some alternate crossing legs at the knees & then at the ankles.

Nitty-Gritty: The feet are generally considered the most honest part of the body – because people rarely try to control their feet when spinning a tall tale.  It’s psychological “leakage” when hidden feelings are repressed or hidden, & feet are a main body part for this leakage.

Disclaimer: Fidgety feet don’t always indicate lying. Instead they may indicate boredom, discomfort, or a need to move. But when combined with other suspect cues, they’re a helpful hint.
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NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Liars’ LANGUAGE & SPEECH (#1)

SITE: “How to Lie“

While most people only focus on considering realism when trying to decide if a statement is T or F, this research strongly indicated that both a. & b. are needed to accurately evaluate communications.

Liars seem to have a problem with this complexity, which shows up in talking & writing.  These can be signs of emotions that don’t fit what’s being talked about (smiling when describing a tragedy) or of thinking too much when an answer shouldn’t need much time.
EXP: to give themself time to come up with a lie, they may making qualifying statements that leave them an out : “As far as I recall… If you really think about it…What I remember is…” Since the task of lying causes mental strain, small pieces of the story will be overlooked & left out, such as :

🫦 Missing Subjective mental states: People who are telling a true story will often add their own emotions & feelings about what they were experiencing. They might talk remark about how cold it was, how tired they were, the fear they felt or anger …. Liars tend to leave these things out unless specifically asked for them, but offer less than those telling the truth.

🫦NO Contextual embedding: Details of time & place are left out, which normally would indicate the context for a word appearing in a sentence or document. Liars, generally motivated to use an ‘unverifiable-information’ strategy, tend to avoid providing context. The proportion of such details can be used to separate T from F accounts

🫦 NO Story specifics  : Notice – Does the person include quotes to validate their version? Do they report specifically what they said to others & what was said to them? Do they say what they thought to themself at   the time (inner dialogue) ?
These are natural parts of a true story. Liars often skip them.

🫦 NO Irrelevant or Unusual details: True stories often include odd details that don’t belong or don’t seem relevant but that represent part of the person’s experience —”I heard the Johnson’s dog barking,” “A jet went overhead.”
Instead, liars tend to leave out such extraneous details, whether because they’re concentrating on getting the story right or because they haven’t considered mentioning them

Cues to the liar’s motivation & attempts to sound accurate or trustworthy :
🧠 NOT admitting poor memory skills: Liars assume that the truth should be seamless, read or spoken like a scripted tale. Someone remembering a real event will occasionally have memory lapses & easily admit it.
A liar may not. While they may claim a lack of memory, it’s usually from a different motive – as an excuse for missing some detail rather that being self-corrective

🧠 NOT expressing doubts about accuracy:  Honest witnesses are very aware their stories are incomplete or faulty, & acknowledge it.  As mentioned, liars tend to think their stories have to be perfect, They will swear on their mother’s life that every word is true & almost infallible (or so it would seem).

🧠 NO spontaneous correction: People telling the truth seldom go straight through their story & then will revise some detail. Liars stick to the script they’ve prepared, like politicians with talking points. Since they believe that self-correction or a revision will make them look unreliable, &/or because it will mess up their ‘flow’, they usually don’t risk it.

From: Prof. Richard Gray. Fairleigh Dickinson U.

NEXT : Lying & Body Language, #1

PREVIOUS : Types of LIARS (Part 2)

SITE : “How Do We Stop Listening to Liars?” (Breaking denial)

❖ DETAILS
Compared to making a truthful statement, it’s harder for ‘normal’ liars to stick to their false story and use complex language.…. This is because of the increased cognitive load & the mind’s finite processing capacity in the moment, so the harder it gets for them to concoct a believable response, the more they resort to simpler language.

People usually avoid specific details when being deceptive, but occasionally will let one slide through. When that happens there are ways to tell if they’re lying.
EXP :  You’re having dinner with someone, & they tell you this whole story about their fancy new job, but you think they’re lying, not just exaggeration.

If you ask about it, they keep dancing around the point, giving a bunch of vague answers. So you decide to hone in on something specific – you ask where their office building is – & they say something general like “Oh it’s downtown. ”

When you want details, like – what are the cross streets it’s at or near – you get “It’s confusing”. If they had been telling the truth they’d consider this a weird Q. but easy to answer. After all, they have to know how to get to work.
But when lying, they’ll start floundering for a response, or suddenly change the subject. Either way they’re caught red-handed.

A 2012 study published in the journal ‘Group Decision and Negotiation’ found that lying has a huge impact on the way we speak. It discovered around 150 potential indicators of deception, & narrowed them down to 7 powerful constructs (abstract, theoretical concept) used when lying.

🔸 One is vocal diversity. Tone of voice is like the rifling in a gun barrel – which are the grooves that spin the projectile so it will fly accurately & hit its mark. Without proper rifling, the bullet starts to tumble as soon as it leaves the barrel & will go wild. When listening to someone’s story, ask yourself  “How diverse is their language? Are their answers hesitant”?  Pay attention ! You can actually say : “Hmm, you sounded a little hesitant. Why is that? Is there anything else you’d like to tell?…”
🔹 Another is vocal uncertainty, (“uh, umm, well, see…) subtle ways liars distance themself from admitting their dishonesty – to themself.  It’s the same reason they avoid using first person (“I, me, mine, myself”), since including them would indicate the speaker is admitting the lie. Instead, they create as much wiggle room as they can.

Others hints include using:
• more negative emotion words such ‘hate, sad, worthless”, liars being anxious & sometimes feeling guilty
• fewer exclusionary words such as “except, but or neither/ nor” which would normally distinguish what they did from what they didn’t do.
• verbal stalling technique, like ‘Why do you ask that?’ or repeating the other person’s question – with a tilt at the end “Where was I yesterday?” — rather than a direct & open response.

Fraud-speech tends to be more “fuzzy”, with strategies used to distance themself, using :
— short & uncertain statements
— formal language, non-contracted denial (“I did not have…)
— vague or hedging language (“I guess, maybe” or “could / might”)
— convincing language “To tell you the truth, In all honesty …”
— repeated words & phrases (“I didn’t… I didn’t…”)

At one extreme re. details – (maybe ACoAs, Introverts….) – if a guilty person is being questioned about an action or a motive, they can find it harder & harder to talk – at all – as when a child, a mate…. is forcefully challenged : “Why did you….?”
When someone’s under stress causing high anxiety, the automatic nervous system decreases salivary flow, drying out the mucous membranes of the mouth.

At the other end (more likely Extroverts) – a liar can actually give away too many details – even if some or all are made up! A nervous liar may go on & on with too much information – especially adding what has not been asked for.
And experiences liars can end up telling longer & more detailed stories, with fewer negative & more positive emotion words – to make themself sound more convincing.

NEXT : Lists & the Body

PREVIOUS : How to LIE (Part 2)

SITEs : ✐ “Secrets of Body Language” documentary film

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LYING & the BRAIN
The neocortex, made up of the Frontal & Temporal Lobes, is ‘intellectual’ (not emotional). When lying, a person’s activated frontal lobe is capable of dishonesty, & therefore involved in suppressing the truth, which makes it hard for others to know if you’re being lied to

The limbic system (emotions) compels a person to react subconsciously to situations, so their non-thinking reactions are very honest & can reveal a person’s true feelings, like a poker players ‘tell” when trying to hide a bluff. When it’s activated a person’s anxiety increases because of their deception.

When someone tells the truth, fewer brain cells are activated in the frontal lobes & limbic system, which which have to do with memory encoding & retrieval, needed to check whether the mental imagery used when communicating – is accurate .

🧠 The Nucleus Accumbens is considered the ‘pleasure dome’, known for its roles in pleasure, reward, & addiction. It allows us to perform 2 fundamental human activities – to survive & procreate. Activated neurons in this region release dopamine, a hormone that gives us the feeling of happiness &  satisfaction.

When we exploit these natural needs for selfish ends (over-eating, living in fantasies, chasing money & power….), the pleasure dome shrinks, not releasing dopamine, even when an original desire is fulfilled.

The resulting discontent propels us to keep  looking for ways to fulfill the craving for pleasure – choosing unhealthy activities – which often include manipulation & lying. EXP : Someone who lies, cheats or steals compulsively finds it ‘rewarding’ to deceive others.
But, like with any addiction, the moments of enjoyment are short-lived, inadequate & disappointing, so the person becomes a slave to repetition.

Much research has allowed neuro-psychologists to identify distinct area in brain when a person tells the truth vs when they’re lying, because different parts are used when deliberately telling a falsehood. Neuro-imaging studies in volunteer-participants showed activation patterns when they were asked to lie or tell the truth. Results : the ventro-lateral & dorso-lateral areas of the prefrontal cortex become more lit up when lying .

Also, if we think of the brain as a computer, Gray Matter is the hardware, & White Matter makes up the cables that connect the network & transmitting signals. 

Interestingly, brain scans have revealed that the prefrontal cortexes in frequent liars are built differently from those in a typical brain. A 2005 study showed that in this region they had about 14% less gray cells -which play a role in impulse control. AND the scans showed they had 22% more “white matter” than average, allowing them to be better at manipulate information & words- so they can weave thoughts in ways others probably can’t.

Another study also found that compulsive liars have up to 26% more white matter in their prefrontal cortex, showing they’re better at making connections between various thoughts not based in reality.  EXP : an airplane mechanic might falsely combine ‘Me’ with ‘fighter pilot’.

While the key to success in both personal & professional relationships is the ability to communicate well, it’s not only the words used but the nonverbal cues or “body language” that speak the loudest. They include physical behavior, expressions & mannerisms that ‘speak silently’, often instinctive rather than conscious.

POLYGRAPH : the lie detector machine measures the activity in the limbic system, the anxiety felt by the subject (person being tested).
It can therefore be fooled if they’re usually calm (telling the truth) or are a Pathological Liar without a conscience -because they’re internally congruent (not in conflict) .
The information gathered by the machine is only 50 – 90% reliable, so polygraph test results are inadmissible in court, not being scientifically reliable enough when the stakes are so high.

NEXT : Liars & the BODY (Part 2)

PREVIOUS : DETECTING LIARS (#1)

HOW TO SPOT A LIAR (cont)
1. Reverse story
2. Answer delay

3. MISSING FEELINGS
In the interrogation literature, there’s a concept called “reality monitoring” –  how we store memories, compared to storing fiction.
◆ When recalling a true memory, we’ll refer to sensory details (how things looked, smelled….), as well as how we felt about a specific event – annoyed, bored, amused, uplifted…..

► On the other hand, when rattling off a made-up version, a liar is more likely to use “cognitive operations,” mental gymnastics that are literal, logical & matter-of-fact, without including emotions or body responses. (Post : “Repressing Es”)

EXP :  Suppose you’re talking about walking home from a movie. If it is a true memory, your may focus on the sound of the bus splashing a puddle or your annoyance at being wet. Truth-tellers tend to include sensory descriptions, liars do not.
If it’s made up, your version will sound more rational —  “It was raining, so I must have had my umbrella.”

4. HOLD your EVIDENCE
If you’re suspicious of someone, direct confrontation is one of the worst ways to get to the truth, as it gives your whole plan away. Don’t start by saying : “I know you did it!”
If you show your cards too soon, all they have to do is say No & you won’t know what’s real.
Also, experienced liars don’t show the usual signs – they don’t look stressed or make obvious mistakes.  With them, the best route is to sit back & wait, letting the liar sabotage themself.

According to the “Journal of Investigative Psychology & Defender Profiling” you should continue asking questions no matter what they say (unless you know you’ll be physically injured by them).
Just assume at first they’re telling the truth.
Eventually – if you keep pushing for more & more info about a situation, they’re going to run out of the prepared story & start contradicting themself.
IF you’re prepared – that’s the perfect time to spring the evidence   you have as proof of their lie.
In an intimate relationship, as soon as you flip the switch, they :
— may make elaborate excuses / justifications/ blame you
— act insulted, try to make you feel guilty for doubting them
— OR get very angry & verbally attack you
— OR laugh, make fun of you & walk away
— OR most often, the partner will just clam up.
RARELY – show signs of stress, stutter, crumbling the cool facade

5. ADD the UNEXPECTED
Whether trying to finagle the truth from a teenager or suspecting a friend of fabricating a story, catching someone in a lie takes some effort & knowhow.
When someone’s telling you a story you suspect is false, interrupt with weird questions as they talk. A good way to spot a liar is to throw them a curve ball in the middle of their story.
Scientific American looked at military interrogation tactics to see what works in everyday life, & found that posing left-field questions can trip up a liar.

Ask for random information  – something they weren’t expecting, & watch their reaction. Specifics are good – the more unrelated to the version they’re telling the better.
Example: If you think someone’s lying about having been to a movie theater, ask what the previews were, if a particular B-list actor was in the film….. (MORE …. )

A 2011 essay in the Journal of Applied Cognitive  Psychology – agrees that unexpected questions forces a liar to improvise, which can throw them off. It means having to make up something they didn’t have planned, so their initial story will fall apart as they make more & more mistakes. Most people caught in a lie will stumble or burble when put on the spot.

WITH FRIENDS
A 2012 study published in the Journal of the Human Factors & Ergonomics Society found that social behaviors change when a person is lying. They’re more uptight, even if everyone else is relaxed.
Truth-tellers tend to fall in sync with the people around them, easily making eye contact, laughing & mirroring the body language of their friends or partner.

CAVEAT: Tare care to not repeat a version of Othello’s error – Shakespeare’s tragic hero – who, after inaccurately accusing his wife of infidelity, mistakes her fear for signs that she’s lying —> & kills her!

NEXT : DETECTING LIARS (Part 3)

PREVIOUS : Types of LIARS (Part 2b)

3 POSTs :  “Why ACoAs Lie”

SITE: Culture & Deception
(Can we tell ?)

NOTE for ACoAs
The following suggested tools are not only for law enforcement & legal uses.
WE grew up with blatant or subtle lies from family, school, news & social media …. SO we can too easily attach to mates, friends & groups who also control others, pushing their world view by cleverly concocted lies. Narcissist are particularly adept.

CATCHING a LIAR
“Americans consider themselves a “truth-default” group, unconsciously assuming people are telling the truth.
HOWEVER – author Pamela Meyer, in her very popular TED Talk on Spotting a Liar, suggested that most people are on the receiving end of 10 – 200 lies every single day.  But it’s tricky to get lying just right, so it has to be done carefully & sparingly.
⁍ Too much, & no one trusts you
⁌ Too little, & you get laughed at, called “blunt,” or shunned as socially inappropriate. ”

1. STORIES in REVERSE
IF you want to check if someone is going to answer your Q honestly – & you know or suspect they tend not to :
a. Ask the same question 3x in different ways —-> to uncover their lie-pattern. The 1st time – you’re likely to get a well-planned answer – the details, the words they’re going to use…

b. What happens when you ask again, in a different way?
IF they’re telling the truth, they may add some details or tell the story differently.
To spot a liar, be a good listener. Research found that liars often hesitate or don’t talk ‘smoothly’ because “they can’t draw on real memories, lack the imagination to make up a detailed, plausible story, or are afraid they’ll give themselves away.”  Since they only have one version about an event, they’ll rehash the same words, details, even the same phrases.

c. Ask a 3rd time – about details – the less important things in a situation.
◎ If they were at a restaurant, “what color were the chairs?”
◎ If they were staying with friends, “which bedroom did they sleep in? What did it look like? ”
Keep them talking & it gets even more obvious – the first version you heard is repeated – again.
SO ask them to tell their story in reverse.

By the ‘law of human behavior‘, when asked to tell the false story backwards, it’s much harder – if it’s a lie – as they try to imagine details in reverse. It increases the “cognitive load” exponentially. They get confused, talk slower, make more mistakes or leave out important derails, give contradictions.

☞ Opposite – when you’re being told Truth, a ‘story’ is almost always easier to explain, even in reverse, actually uncovering new info or details missed before.

◘ KEEP them BUSY – a variation
The “cognitive load model” of deception says that “lying is multi-tasking, & therefore difficult. Liars must plan what they say, remember to play a role, & suppress the truth.” So, make it harder for them.
Professor Albert Vrij et.al. (Portsmouth, UK) suggests getting a known liar to focus part of their attention on some important concept or task, or sometime they love to do.
Then at the same time question them about a suspicious behavior, unhealthy plan, abusive comment (“Why did you….?”). If their brain is busy doing other things, they won’t have as much mental resources left over to lie, or at least, not as convincingly.   (MORE….)
EXP: ◎ If you suspect your partner of cheating, ask them questions while they’re driving. ◎ If you suspect your teen is using drugs, ask about it while getting them to do household chores…..

2. ANSWER DELAY
Normally, when someone asks a question you were not expecting, you pause, taking a second to think about your answer – honestly.
BUT practiced liars often jump the gun. They have something already prepared, always wanting to be a step ahead, so they’re anxious to get that lie out of their brain & into the world (on you).

When checking to see if someone is lying (you know they often are) –  listen for that little pause. If they skip it & answer right away, there’s a good chance they’ve planed their excuses / justifications / ‘false proofs’ – way in advance – just in case they get caught!

NEXT : DETECTING Liars, (#2)

bPREVIOUS : Reasons we LIE – in Brief (#2)

33 REASONS (cont)

❥ Manipulate: An abusive person constantly lies in order to continue their manipulation – to keep the other on their power. If the truth came out, the victim might leave

❥ Maximize: At one extreme, some lies exaggerate the person’s feelings or situation, making things worse than they really are, for dramatic effect

❥ Minimize: With the opposite version, a person may minimize a situation by lying, trying to reduce the physical damage, emotional harm, or punishment that might otherwise occur

❥ Perception: Some people believe their own illusions. Their perception of reality is distorted enough, so they believe their ‘version’ is not a lie

❥ Procrastinate: Passive-aggressive avoidance of responsibilities is a way to procrastinate making decisions or taking a specific action. This lie is more subtle because they knows they should be doing something but are intentionally putting it off

❥ Protect: Some lies are done to protect others, such as taking on responsibility for things the person did not do or is not responsible for, in order to benefit someone else

❥ Suppress: Some lies are intentional – meant to cover up their  misbehavior or a problem they can’t cope with

❥ Superior: Those with larger-than-life egos put out big lies, to maintain superiority & make themself look better than everyone

❥ Sympathy: Similar to attention-seeking, a person who tries to get empathy from others will lying about a past or current event

❥Vindictive: Some people use lies to intentionally cause harm as a way of getting back at another person or group they feel harmed by.

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FEELINGS : Many people lie, directly – or indirectly by omission, to hide their feelings and emotions. This may be a way to get along in most areas of our life (work, at parties, on the street) but sadly we also lie about ourself to people we’re supposed to be close to – family, mates, friends, adult-children….

Remember that what we normally mean by “feelings” are not emotions but rather some form of thinking : an opinion, a belief, an experience, a point of view….. none of which are either emotional feelings (sad / happy) or body feelings (tired /energized).

EXP: Whenever someone asks you : “How do you feel about that ?” almost everyone will start describing an event, a reaction…. not emotions. RULE : any response that’s more than one word is a thought – a mental expression!
That includes all lies, no matter how short.

We lie to avoid events & circumstances that make us anxious – like speaking up for our rights, or saying no to something we don’t like. We want to suppress emotions that come with them such as guilt, depression, sadness & anxiety.  So we lie because we don’t want to feel vulnerable.

Most people lie about their “feelings”, acting as if we don’t have many concerns, but we really do. This includes both our opinions (cognitive) or emotions (feeling).On the other hand, it’s important to have boundaries. It’s not appropriate or acceptable to expose ourself or to burden others with our personal difficulties. This RULE is: Do not justify yourself, but do not lie. No is a complete sentence !

INTELLIGENCE – Perhaps surprisingly, it turns out that  intelligent people lie more often than others. There are many studies proving that those with higher intelligence are good at deception. They also lie because of having better emotional intelligence.
Lies are the “Precursor of the previous lie”
There’s a maxim that : “A liar’s worst enemy is someone with a good memory….. You’ve got to create a hundred other lies to hide a single one.” That is accurate, because people can get even more involved in falsehoods to cover up the lies they’ve told in the past. Research has found evidence for a retrieval mechanism that helps us remember the lies we’ve already told – in response to re-encountering a question that one has lied about before.

❣️ Telling the truth is considered easier than maintaining a web of lies, because you don’t have to remember what you said previously, which can lead to more authentic, meaningful relationships.

NEXT :

PREVIOUS : Type of Lies & Liars, #2

3 POSTS : “Why ACoAs Lie“

The main reason people lie is low self-esteem. The person wants to impress, please, & tell others what you think they want to hear. If you often find yourself being deceptive with family & friends to sidestep volatile or painful subjects, you may need to strengthen your interpersonal skills, & in some cases, avoid the person instead of the issues.

33 REASONS

❥ Attention-seek: Some people lie just to get other people’s attention (HPDs & NPDs) . The irony is that most don’t know what to do with the attention when they do get it

❥ Avoid: Some lying is to avoid consequences of bad behavior, or get out of trouble if caught – especially true for children.
It many instead be a need to avoid embarrassment (reason for forgetting an appointment)

❥ Bored: Some people are ‘addicted’ to drama in their life. So they lie to stir it up & watch other people’s reactions

❥ Curiosity: Some people lie when wanting to poke their nose into things that are none of their business, without considering possible harm to self or others – a very childish behavior some don’t grow out of

❥ Covet: When a person is envious of what others have (& don’t know how to get what they want for themself !) they lie by pretending to be happy for someone else’s success or accomplishment

❥ Cover: Some people wear a social mask, pretending to be something they’re not.  To keep up appearances, they lie to hide revealing who they really are

❥ Control: For some, their whole life is trying to control everything & everyone – o they feel safer.  A web of lies are told to keep others in line with their one goals & desires

❥ Deny: Some are convinced they can ‘eliminate’ a person or situation (death of a child, fatal illness) by lying to themself & others to deny the reality, which may be deliberate or by omission

❥ Disappointment: A lie can be told to avoid disappointing another person or even themself, so eliminating their uncomfortable feelings (fear of rejection) justifies the deception

❥ Desire: Wanting to believe a lie someone tells them to be true (‘I love you’ from an abuser) has a deep need / desire to cling to their distorted misconception

❥ Elevate: A person who wants to lift themselves up to another person or group will lie about their high level of morality, strong work ethic, or perfectionistic standards

❥ Fun: Some people lie as their form of private entertainment, to feel superior (“I know something you don’t know”), because they like the power of manipulating others

❥ Gains : The second most common motive for lying, in both children & adults, is to grab a reward not easy to get, or not legitimately available. (on a job application, for an inheritance)

❥Habit: Lying can become a very bas habit with lots of repetition over time, which can seem natural rather than an aberration

❥ Harm: A person determined to harm another person who is vulnerable will lie as a common tactic about who they are & what they’re doing. (abductions, molestation, narcissistic control)

❥ Hide: A person can lie to hide who they are, about what they’re doing or about someone else – to avoid accountability. This can be about their own addiction, their mate being phycaiuly abusive….

❥ Impress: As a way to try impressing others & to look better, a person will lie about who they are, what they’ve done, or where they’re going

❥ Indifference: A person can lie to another about some subject because they doesn’t care whether the listener believes them nor not, nor about any consequence of the lie, so won’t see anything wrong with their deception

❥ Intimidated: Sometimes a lie comes from being intimidated by others. This feeling of inferiority is so uncomfortable that they lie to cover it up (fawning)

❥ Lazy: On occasion, a lie boils down to a person being lazy & not wanting to do the work the promised to do or that was assigned to them, so they lie about the avoidance

NEXT : REASONS we LIE – in Brief (#2)