ACoAs

PURPOSE of Emotions: SURVIVAL

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

WE HAVE EMOTIONS FOR GOOD REASONS
– so now I welcome & work with them!

PREVIOUS: Repressing Emotions #2

Review post : “Getting to our Es – Under”

PURPOSE
✥ Do you know what to say when you hear someone insist that emotions are a waste of time, unreliable, too much trouble? The next several posts will give important reasons – biological, personal & social – why we have them!

SOCIAL NEEDS
1. For SURVIVAL
• That’s the evolutionists’ answer. According to their theory, animals are aggressive & self-conscious (compared to rivers, mountains, plants….which have also survived) & humans are the most self-conscious, making us increasingly invested & crafty in our efforts to endure.
Over time we developed a wide range of Es & a complex rational thinking system, which allowed us to imagine our own past & future selves, giving us preeminence over fauna & flora. ‘”If you want to create a system that works hard to survive, make it be conscious and emotional. It will want to keep itself around!’”Es for survival

• Researchers believe that Emotion, rather than logic, is the driving force in the human brain. Studies show that Es are responsible for neural integration – linking various brain functions (talking to each other) by tying together physical, cognitive, sensory & social processes, keeping us sane, healthy & functioning effectively

• Robert Plutchik, of the Emotion Wheel, wrote that the purpose of emotions is to form behavioral interactions between a person & a stimulus – event, thing or another person – so that when Es are acted on (correctly, of course) it brings the person back to a state of equilibrium — feeling ok / safe
EXP: You’re in the woods & see a bear loping towards you. You’re very afraid. The fear makes you run away, so the emotion served to produce an action that saves your life. You’re then returned to a calm state (eventually).

2. For CONNECTION
• Humans are fundamentally social animals, needing to rely on each other for survival. So we not only have personal feelings, but also social Es deeply embedded in our nature for connection.  Es motivate & organize individual behavior & social interactions, as well as facilitate communication.  Social needs include acceptance, prestige & access to certain people, events or resources, & provide a mirror for our feelings, attitudes & realitybelonging

• Belonging to a group or community gives us a sense of identity.
Researchers found that people are happier when they’re with others rather than too much alone – & the “boost” is the same for Introverts & Extroverts (only the quantity & time amount differs).

✶ Loving relationships are important to our well-being & happiness because they’re comforting. It creates the psychological space & safety to explore & learn, which builds inner resources for those inevitable times of difficulty.
AND the positive effects are long-lasting. Strong emotional support also reduces immune system abnormalities that contribute to various stress-related disorders.

EXP: The success of the many 12-step Programs (AA, GA, OA / Al-anon, Gamanon, Oanon….). The Al-Anon closing says: “The welcome we give you may not show the warmth we have in our hearts for you. After a while, you’ll discover that though you may not like all of us, you’ll love us in a very special way—the same way we already love you.”

Emotions that serve social functions:
social Es• Guilt (not the ACoA type) is legitimate when we’ve done something inappropriate or hurtful, that motivates us to make amends (AA’s 8th & 9th Step)
• Responsibility (not co-dependence) to keep us from harming others, or to help where needed….
• Altruism, going beyond passively ‘behaving’ oneself to not cause social problems, but rather to actively participate in groups & organizations that provide relief for the needy & suffering

3. For UNITY
• Because Emotions are universal, the ‘positive’ ones may help overcome prejudice & divisions. Tragically, even fatally, many cultural, religious & political beliefs separate us. But Es – such as empathy, cooperation, forgiveness & heroism – can help.
Unifying Emotions:
fun singing• Caring: listening to concerns of others helps them feel understood & valued
• Faith: a Spiritual belief providing wise rules (of right & wrong) can connect us to like-mined people
• Music (& other art forms) emotionally link artists & a wide public
• Laughter: a universal language that makes people feel good
• Love: fostering acceptance, compassion, education, responsibility, understanding, & spiritual growth.

NEXT: For Communication, #1

REPRESSING Emotions (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: Repressing Emotions #1

POSTS: Secretly angry ‘nice’ people

SITE: “What Is Repression?“

 

DEFs:
Suppression – deliberately trying to forget or push away painful Es or unwanted thoughts (blow them away)
Repression – Unwanted Es & thoughts are unconsciously sunk into a psychic garbage pit (the swamp).

Are you emotionally repressed? (cont)
When asked “How do you feel, ACoAs will typically answer with information (head) rather than emotions (Es). They’ll tell a long story, give an explanation or excuse…… But if asked directly ‘What are you feeling emotionally?” a Repressive will predictably answer : “I don’t know”.

HOW can you tell ?
a. One hint is if you experience everything as rather GRAY. You may only feel a bit off, as if something’s wrong but don’t know what it is. You’re lonely & dissatisfied with yourself, your life & others around you.
It’s like being allergic to something in the air or mold in the walls – it’s making you sick but you can’t see it.
🧎🏽‍♂️You’d benefit from learning to soothe your wounds!

b. Or it’s a deep sense of anger & disappointment, with no immediate or obvious cause. But sitting on decades of built-up pain (frustration, loneliness, rage, terror, sorrow…) is a lot like a normal-looking mountain that’s really a volcano, with gases trapped & bubbling underground, waiting to erupt.
📛 You may want to find the right kind of pressure-valve, with activities that won’t add to the suppression but also won’t harm yourself or others

RESEARCH
a. Many studies have made the connection between suppressing Es and OCD, PTSD, auto-immune illnesses & panic attacks.

b. Other studies have shown that deliberately trying to push painful Es out of  consciousness can lead to a ‘rebound effect’, setting up a vicious cycle :
🗡You have a painful emotion. You try to push it away. That lasts a few seconds – or more  – & then rushes back in
⚔️ This leads to more pain, which you try to push away again….
Since you can’t stop it from repeating, you start mental recriminations “I can’t do anything right, It’s hopeless, I can’t cope, I’ll never get better” ….

PUSHING AWAY
Ways we circumvent Es to hide them under the carpet (semi-conscious) :
• bury anger under a mask of “peace & love – positive thinking” OR hide vulnerability under expressions of anger, cynicism & sarcasm
• compulsive activities – overly busy, on the net too much, excessive tv watching, exercising, dumb-reading, careless sex …
AND:
• ignore or pretend something hasn’t happened that upsets us
• isolate, live in our head – constantly intellectualize / analyze
• keep all conversations superficial, especially around someone who is expressing Es, always make something serious into a joke….
• stuff ourselves with food, or ingest things that dull the mind & senses (sugar, wheat, fats, drugs, alcohol…..)

Re. Women
People refer to ‘being emotional’ as a bad thing. It’s unfortunate that this expression refers mainly to crying or being ‘dramatic’ – as if those are the only emotion people have, even though – when we’re excited, angry, pleased, scared, feel sensual ….. we’re also being emotional!

And even worse, this accusation is targeted mainly at women, who are taught to repress anger, which gets turned in on themself, & then into depression. Outwardly, this can show up as the compulsion to rescue, fix & change the very people who are hurting them, because they don’t have the right to express their outrage directly, or leave.
Re. Men
Men are not supposed to show fear or sadness, or any other form of vulnerability.
But since men have all the same Es as women, eventually their repression can also turn into depression. And since the ‘softer’ Es are often covered over by aggression & busyness, they’re harder to identify. Drinking too much, working all hours, & casual sex are obvious escapes.
But as for male depression, one way to spot it when it’s not obvious, is when they develop a sexual dysfunction with no physical cause, such as lack of libido (loss of interest) or ED.
Of course men can be sexually active & still have walking-depression.

REALITY : “The only way out is thru!” No method of avoidance is successful – emotions do not  evaporate when we ignore them – they just go underground – & fester!

NEXT: Purpose of Es- Survival

REPRESSING Emotions (Part 1)

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repress EsI HAD to SHUT OFF MY EMOTIONS –
so I wouldn’t go crazy!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions #4

SITE: “I Don’t Want to Talk About it: The Secret Legacy of Male Depression.” by Terrance Real

Resistance to FEELING Emotions (Es)
• The source of personal power is Self-esteem – fueled & sustained by the emotion of unconditional Love – which allows us to feel Pease & Joy. But when we had to shut down our feelings because the pain was too much to handle, we also shut down the pleasurable ones!

Resistance to experiencing our emotions stifles the natural flow of life built into every human being. So it takes a lot of psychic effort to push down Es & keep them down – leaving very little energy left over to function, causing long-term Depression.
This is why ACoAs barely have any reserves to deal with unforeseen events in the present – so much of our effort is used up by our Shadow-storage of unwanted feelings & memories.

Repressed Es get trapped in various part of the physical body & in the layers of the energy body that radiate from our core. Such a backlog can cause holes in our spirit, leaking out vital power, which creates fatigue, vulnerability & low self-confidence!

• Emotions, as such, are never dangerous – only the suppressed ones that have piled up year after year, causing them to fester.
Our body wants to eject emotional poison the same way it does physical toxins. If we don’t allow this to happen they cause PMES damage. In the long run, releasing them voluntarily is best – so we don’t explode all over ourself & others. If we carelessly ‘dump’ our pain on others or act them out in a self-destructive ways, we end up feeling even worse about ourself (more S-H)

The BRAIN: our normal ability to repress emotions comes from 3 general areas : → the mammalian fore-brain, → the reptilian early brain, & → the mid-brain which connects the other two.
To function well we need the capacity to choose how we act on emotions (see posts on T.E.A. & Anxiety). But if our Recovery isn’t far along, sometimes we also need to disconnect, because the panful ones get so intense that our weak self-care gets even worse. SO — bain rooms
• When we want to remember something, we access the information stored in any one of the 3 parts ↑, altho what’s available varies according to which data bank is holding it
• When we want to forget something,, we disconnect the memory links between the fore-brain (thinking) & the other two – creating temporary amnesia (this is normal)

BTW, ACoAs are notorious for having a built-in forgetter as result of trauma, which sadly includes all the good things that happen to us day by day in the present!
The mid-brain, as the go-between, is responsible for keeping it all straight, & does so very well – especially if we live in a ‘civilized’ society.
EXP: Not letting ‘blind rage’ erupt in public prevents getting fired, thrown out & in some cases killed (road rage, gangs…).
Not acting on every sexual impulse will preserve our promise of fidelity to a mate, maintain the family’s integrity, eliminate STDs…..  & potentially prevent getting killed.

Are you emotionally repressed?
Def –  DENIAL is actually : “I don’t know that I don’t know some things about myself, or my family”

• If we wonder what Es we’re denying, there are many ways. We can always start by asking some basic Qs, like the obvious ones :
☞ “What emotions can I name? Which ones do I think I have felt ? (depression, rage, anxiety….?) What am I feeling right now?

From there we can go on to: “What Es am I not expressing?” & then to “If I knew what I was feeling, what might it / they be?”.
☞ If the answer is always the same “I don’t know” – it’s time for outside help (which we can all benefit from anyway), such as 12-Step meetings, therapy, reading, spiritual gatherings, healing groups …..
POST : “Getting to your Es – Over & Under” has a list of tools

NEXT: Repressing Es = Part 2

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions #3

BOOK: Emotional Intelligence, by Goleman, 1995 “…..what it means to be smart

POSTs : “What just happened?”(about a painful event)


Down side of some ‘New Age’ ideas
It can be hard to figure out whether our strong emotional reactions are appropriate for a present-day event OR coming from an old wound. Usually it’s both. The good news is that as we heal & develop our “UNIT” we can begin to tell the difference more easily & more often.
Whenever we find ourself obsessing (mentally ruminating about a hurt), we can start by writing down – briefly – an outline of the situation. Then ask some ‘look inside’ Qs to see what’s behind our reaction (See Part 3)

• Those of us brought up on religious, new age or other spiritual teachings that tells us to always be positive (“Be happy, don’t worry”) have found it impossible to live up to.  It left us hating ourself more, feeling desolate & hopeless of ever ‘getting there’. What many Recovery ‘teachings’ don’t acknowledge is that we need to allow our human side to heal & be nurtured first, before we can aspire to be ‘serene’!

• While we certainly do aim for a balanced & peaceful emotional life, itbad fruit’s not healthy – NOR successful – to just cover  up painful emotions & harmful beliefs / thoughts with a bunch of platitudes & ‘positive thinking’, without first cleaning out old Es & memories accumulated from as far back as infancy

• Charles Whitfield, MD has provided a useful image:
Take a basket of delicious fruit & let it sit for a long time until they rot. Someone comes along & says – “Ugh, that’s gross.  Let’s put some fresh fruit in there. It’ll look & smell so much better!”  So you do that & everything is fine – for a while. After all, it sounded like a good idea, & they were offering it for free.

BUT you added the beautiful fruit on top of the rotted ones without cleaning the basket out first.  Q: What will happen to the new food?
A: After a while the fresh ones will start to rot from underneath!

Obvious? It seems not, since that’s exactly what many people do when they try to layer new ‘positive’ ideas & attitudes on top of all their emotional damage & cognitive distortions. They think they can escape the hard work of Recovery & still be ok!
Human Beings are like that basket – originally holding precious, wonderful qualities & potential. But to survive Alcoholism & Narcissism we had to create a False Self, added Toxic Rules & mixed in a lot of S-H.

➼ In Recovery we gradually ‘take out the garbage’ of our past, replacing it with the ‘good stuff’ we’ve been told about, so it doesn’t get contaminated!  As our Healthy Adult takes charge we start protecting ourselves, while being respectful towards others. We can be definite & clear, getting to the point, asking for what we want —> without being rude or aggressive.

🎯 Practice making declarative sentences so you don’t beat around the bush.
Say “I know he’s being disrespectful”, instead of “I feel like he’s not respecting me” – which sounds as if it’s only your opinion rather than what’s actually happening.

HEALING: When we’re emotionally in pain, the FIRST thing to do for our WIC is comfort him or her. Sometimes that’s all that’s needed at the moment. Only then can we start asking the Checklist Qs in Part 3.

We must and can develop permission to have all our emotions, our human qualities & requirements.  We also need to receive validation (cognitive) & comfort (emotional) from as many people & for as long as we need them – as well as always from our Higher Power. Using all our tools will heal enough of our old wounds so we can tolerate the intensity of old emotions as we re-experience them in Recovery – a little at a time. LOVE HEALS!

NEXT: Repressing Es

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 3)

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clean out old Es I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY
but first I have to clean out the damage

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions #2

SITE: Help for Emotional Reactivity

 

WHY DO WE HATE having emotions so-o-o much? (cont)
b. OVER-REACTIONS (cont)
🦠 This is not self-indulgence or being manipulative, but rather:
1. Sensitivity = a person’s brain being wired to be intensely affected by  external cues, with nerve endings exposed & raw, causing out of control Es triggered by :
— the threat of or proof that a relationship is about to dissolve
— being told they can’t have something they badly want or are convinced they need
2. Reactivity = having a reactive ‘higher baseline”, 0-20 vs a continual 80 out of 100 – so sadness is experienced as overwhelming despair, anger becomes rage….. and behavior is also intense & doesn’t fit the actual present situation
3. SLOW return to baseline = having a hard time calming down & staying upset longer than someone with a safer upbringing (an emotion fires in the brain for around 12 sec. vs 20% longer)

EXP: You’re in the middle of working on a project & someone keeps trying to control how you’re doing it. You get angrier & angrier**, since you interpret their ‘directions’ as proof you’re not doing it right & so aren’t good enough – not just your work but as a person!
✶ This anger is caused by S-H.

ASK : “What does this reaction tell me about my damage?” – instead of just raging at the other person (in your head) & wanting to smash their face in
Ans: Some deep part still believes I’m so bad that I have to be perfect, to compensate, BUT since I can’t be, I hate you for exposing me, & it means I’ll never be loved!
not me• Yes, we are responsible for our behavior & attitudes.  But we also need to remember that HOW people treat us ALWAYS tells us about them. When their treatment is insensitive or mean it’s coming from their inner PP &/or WIC . Very few have a L.P. even when they have a functioning H.A. in the UNIT)

Their behavior tells us about their inner world, even if we made a mistake. So we don’t have to take responsibility for or try to fix our personality, only our actions – IF appropriate or possible!
In any case – OUR WIC desperately needs a hug & a mental course correction – modifying the CD of Perfectionism. If we do that every time – much of the anger will dissipate, even if the other person is still being a big pain!

CHECKLIST
ACoAs are often CONFUSED, because —
• we combine Es with thoughts/ beliefs, usually Toxic one, because we use the word “feel” to mean both (“Use THINK instead of FEEL“ posts)

• of our conflicting Es: old vs. current, WIC vs Adult, PP vs Adult…
• mix up Es with normal human needs, which we’re deeply ashamed of
• don’t know our RIGHTS or what ‘normal’ is, much less have permission to act on them

1. Which Toxic Rule is in play? (all have turned into self-destructive toxic rules
behavior patterns, also called character defects)
Exp: “If I don’t like it, I have to stay” becomes passivity
2. Which of my WIC’s unmet needs am I re-experiencing?
Exp: Constantly ignored or punished for trying to get attention

3. What am I thinking about this situation?
Exp: “They’re never going to call / write back / I’m unlovable…..”
4. Which of my old buttons is getting activated? — an emotional sore spot from things your family & others consistently did to you &/or to each other – that hurt you  Exp: Being accused wrongly / being shushed

5. Which ego state is likely in charge at the moment (WIC or PP) ?
6. If I’m acting out, which parent am I copying & how?
7. What am I most afraid of in this situation? (FoA, punishment, isolation, not being heard…)
➼ Use the info in other posts to help you answer.

NEXT: ACoAs &  Emotions #4

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 2)

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Screen Shot 2015-06-29 at 1.32.01 AMI CAN ALWAYS THINK of WHAT to SAY – after they walk away!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions  (#1)

 

REMINDER: What they never told us was that 💗 it’s not intrinsically bad to have Emotions

WHY DO WE HATE having emotions so-o-o much? 
• we expect to be made fun of, ignored or physically punished for expressing them (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”)
• we were taught that Es are unacceptable (either specific ones or all), & we want to be ‘good’, obeying family rules as a sign of loyalty & love

• some ACoAs want to stay connected to a particular parent by copying their resistance or inability to feel
• others are determined to be the exact opposite of a dramatic or emotionally out-of-control parent

• we were never taught healthy ways to identify & deal with Es when they surfaced, so we’re convinced they’ll ‘drown’ us

• Unfortunately our culture reinforces the ‘don’t feel’ rule by telling us that:  — Es are not ‘rational’, so they can’t be relied on to tell us anything real or useful
— it’s not sophisticated, strong or admirable to be ‘emotional’ (to cry or get too upset, no matter how terrible the situation!)

• MOST of ALL – as kids we were never comforted when scared & hurt, & having no way to process our Es, over the years they accumulated in our unconscious, & now we’re terrified of opening ‘Pandora’s Box’

a. DELAYED Reactions
ACoAs are notoriously slow to catch on to how we feel emotionally – having a delayed reaction to all kinds of encounters & events, pleasurable or not. We may not realize them for a few days, weeks, even years! We do have emotions about most things, but we:too many Es
• learned early in life to deny them
• became so numb we don’t consciously know what they are
• have such negative beliefs about actually having Es
• are afraid to feel too much, because the WIC thinks it’ll kill us (or the ‘sensitive one in the family)
• never learned how to deal with uncomfortable or unacceptable Es

b. OVER / UNDER -Reactions
ACoAs IRONY: On the one hand we’re shut down, especially on those terrifying childhood Es. On the other hand we have intense emotional reactions (a melt down, blow up, fall apart, get suicidal…), to what people say or how they act to or around us.

These 2 extremes are inextricably linked:
• the more we have to sit on ALL painful Es, the more they get backed up & then Vesuvius blows
• since we’re not allowed to actually have Es, we can’t admit to having them (too ashamed), so we can’t really feel them. Then HOW can we possibly process the pain, anger, sadness, loneliness, terror….? to get them out, sharing them, get comfort & understanding???

REVIEW:
 We hate being told we’re being too dramatic about something others think is minor or trivial, because we think that means:
• we don’t have a right to be upset
• we caused our own problem, & so deserve to be punished, belittled, not respected
• that the hurtful person or situation is being let off the hook,  so we’ll never get fairness or revenge!
NONE of those are the case.  Since “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”, whenever our Es are out of proportion to an unpleasant current event, all we need to do is admit an unhealed wound is being triggered.

About Over-reacting (cont):
• Intense Es comes from the WIC, who thinks we’re still powerless to stop being controlled & abused
• Getting so upset by other people’s words & deeds means we’re still taking things personally

• It’s a clear indicator that a specific button is being pushed in us. This is useful info to cut thru denial & help with growth.
🙀 Intense emotions are the only proof we need about the abuse.
Knowing this – we can use the awareness to validate the kid’s pain, as we get another glimpse into past suffering, & stop blaming ourself for feeling loneliness & grief.

NEXT: ACoAs & Es (Part 3)

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

acoa EsI DON’T WANT to FEEL ANYTHING – & you can’t make me!

PREVIOUS : EmotionIdentifying  (#2) Parrott’s Emotions List

REMINDER: See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

REVIEW: The Body & Emotions & Identifying Emotions

 

Those DREADED Emotions (Es) !
• ACoAs definitely believe all emotions are a bad thing. When asked what’s going on with us, or how we’re feeling, ACoAs usually fail to mention Es. We’ll talk around them, over & under, but never hit the bulls-eye.  We’re terrified of them like mice are afraid of cats.  We treat our Es as if they were a wild beast inside that has to be locked away in a deep dark dungeon.

• Then we wonder why we can’t get out of bed, always feel like the outsider, feel so alone, don’t get along with others, have panic attacks….. ⭐︎ Emotions that are ignored have sneaky ways of showing up in disguise. BUT those ways (listed throughout this blog) are the symptoms that provide vital information we can use to reverse-engineer events that distress us. Then we can make the necessary corrections

• Without enough healing, ACoAs are clearly not happy campers, having lived with depression most of their life – even if we don’t show it on the outside.  It’s not surprising, since our dysfunctional families indicated in thousands of direct & indirect ways that we should never object to being hurt by them, and then not express any pain from their abuse & neglect! (“Stop your whimpering. You’re such a baby. You’re just too sensitive!”). They didn’t give us much to be happy about, but they also didn’t want us to hold them accountable. So we learned: “DON’T FEEL”!healthy combo

➼ IMP: What they never told us was that 💗 it’s not intrinsically bad to have Emotions but were simply unacceptable to them, because:
• they didn’t experience love & nurturing, so could not give it to us
• they had no clue how to cope with their own problems, much less be there for us. The responsibility of parenting terrified them
AND
• if one or more parent had chronic mental or physical illness, or who were overly dramatic themselves, there was clearly no room for our needs or feelings
• never having dealt with their wounded Es as adults, they shoved them under the carpet & demanded we do the same.
🥺 An infant’s first ‘language’ is that of intense emotions. Only after that do they learn to use words! This combination would be a constant irritant to parents who already felt too much OR didn’t want to feel at all – our emotions & needs acting like sandpaper. They had to shut us up!
AND
• our needs as children enraged them because they wanted all the attention for themselves
• some parent & teachers delighted in hurting & humiliating us, & had no intention of giving us comfort or validation (did you catch one of them smirking when you cried?)
✶ One tender soul remembers her mother, the heartless narcissist, saying with a sneer: “I’m so glad I’m not sensitive like you & your father!”

muted EsAs a result:  
• many ACoAs have a limited range of Es they’re aware of – like only able to play 3 or 4 notes on a full piano keyboard – such as anger & disdain, fear & guilt, loneliness & desperation…. even tho’ there are many more available on both scales
• some have so many feelings that we can hardly breathe, acting them out all over the place or hiding under the covers as much as possible, always in ‘suffering mode’, which makes us wish we were like the other ones – numb (or dead)

• others of us have intense Es without consciously knowing it OR being able to identify them by name – not associating certain physical sensations with actual emotions, but tending to be cranky & exhausted.

NEXT: ACoAs & Emotions (Part 2)

IDENTIFYING Emotions (Part 2)

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EENY MEENY MYNIE MOE – catch a feeling by it’s show!

PREVIOUS: Identifying Es (#1) – Plutchik’s Emotion Wheel

SEE post: Getting to our Emotions – OVER

 

This CHART, by W. G. Parrott, is another way of grouping emotions – a general guide you can agree with in whole, in part or not at all. The more Es you can identify in yourself & others, the better. One reason I’ve added it is that it includes the Es of Shame & Guilt, which Plutchik does not.
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NEXT : ACoAs & Emotions, #1

IDENTIFYING Emotions (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

emotions-poster-I HAVE TOO MANY FEELINGS –
I just can’t handle them

PREVIOUS: The Body & Emotions – #4

REVIEW: “Getting to our Emotions – Under”

 

CATEGORIES
Many psychologists & sociologists have created their own Primary Emotions list (90 so far), some of which are seen on the Changing Minds & Alley Dog sites.
One THEORY of Emotions
A variety of concepts try to explain the source of Emotions (Es), put forth by psychologists, sociologists, philosophers & scientist.
EXP: The James-Lange theory argues that an ‘event’ first causes physical arousal (body), which we then interpret (mind). Only after the interpretation do we experience emotions (body) related to the event.  However, if the physical ‘symptoms’ are not noticed or not given any thought about a specific event, then we don’t experience emotions

Here are some ways to think about this theory:
Expl: You’re walking down a dark alley late at night. You hear footsteps behind you. You start to shake, your heart beats faster & your breathing deepens. As you notice these body changes & decide this is telling you you’re in danger – then you feel fear

BUT: Those same physical symptoms can also occur when you met your exciting new lover – & your interpretation (what you’re thinking) is that this is a very good thing – so you feel the emotions of excitement, joy & sexual desire!

No Reaction: If you just found out that you lost out on a job opportunity you interviewed for but weren’t crazy about getting – you don’t have a physical response & don’t give it a second thought – so you’re not upsetBIG Es

Suppressed Reaction: You’re having a very busy day, running around without a moment to think.  You pass by a major car accident on the street, with people screaming & bodies everywhere.  You don’t stop – you’re mind is on the next task & how late you are, so you’re too preoccupied to feel anything about the event you just saw

However – you did register fear, sorrow, revulsion…. at some physical level you weren’t aware of – so maybe late that nite you have a nightmare, or the next day you’re sluggish & cranky but don’t know why!

EMOTION WHEELs
Below is Robert Plutchik’s well-know chart, a 3-D model using the color spectrum to indicate adjacent & opposite Es, (Fear opposite Anger, Sadness between Surprise & Disgust …..) The vertical dimension represents intensity & the circles are degrees of similarity.

1. Fundamental – inner circle shows the most basic Es. They are the intensity of an infant’s feelings, whose brain pathways are not yet developed enough to experience a variety of emotional nuances
2. Secondary – each row out from there are milder versions of the core
3. Tertiary – in the white spaces, each E. is made up of the 2 adjacent secondary Es (Trust + Fear = Submission; Anticipation + Anger = Aggressiveness ….)

2nd CHART indicates triads – emotions formed by combining 3 primary emotions, leading to 24 dyads & 32 triads (MORE….— also several other theories of Es)

EXP: Fear opposite Anger in extremes
• Think of some people who always seem angry. They’re using that emotion to feel powerful while covering up how scared they are, unwilling to be vulnerable (they wouldn’t be if they had a strong identity, good boundaries & healthy self-esteem!).  They believe that feeling fear is a weakness & will do anything to avoid it
• Now notice people who usually present themselves as scared, delicate, easily hurt, a victim, isolating….. You can be sure that hidden underground is a lot of suppressed rage which they’ve been taught to deny & are terrified of in themself!

➼ Yes, anger AND fear can also mask sadness, loneliness, shame, guilt, hopelessness….. BUT we can actually see the difference when someone does FoO work & those extremes get evened out. The person is easier to be around since they live less in the painful Es, but can still respond with fear or anger when it’s appropriate, as well as have a wide variety of pleasurable feelings.


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NEXT: Identifying Es #2 : W. G. Parrott’s Emotion List

The BODY & Emotions (Part 4)

dmtorbi ACoAs

PREVIOUS:
Body & Es (#3)

SITE: Diagnostic Features of Acute Stress Disorder (clinical)

BOOK: “Your Body Doesn’t Lie” John Diamond – How the body gives us info via Kinesiology

QUANTIFYING Es
Subjective: Each of us experiences Es in our own way, partly because of genetics, patly from previous experiences & partly because of the language we use to describe them.
Also, some people don’t consciously feel many Es (being repressed), even though the body is reacting to them in various ways, OR a person may not have the words to think or talk about them

Objective: Physical responses are the easiest part of Es to measure because scientists have developed special tools to do that with great accuracy. People have very similar internal responses to the same emotion when under stress, regardless of age, race, or gender.

Energy SIGNATURES for Es  – Front & back (American Addictions Center)

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HEALTH & Es: Most of us know that emotions affect our physical bodies as much as the body affects how we feel & think. People who ignore, dismiss, repress or just vent (dump) Es set themself up for physical illness.

✶ Having painful emotions is not the problem – it’s carrying them unexpressed year after year, buried rather than released out of the physical & energetic body (meridians, organs, muscles….), wearing away at our physical & mental well-being. Long-term & chronic fear or rage damages our chemical, immune, endocrine & other physical systems

perpetraatorIn spite of what some teachings say, not all sickness is caused by emotional suppression, but also by genetics, poisons in food, water & the environment, world travel & importing of goods & supplies, harmful medicines …… so it’s imperative to accurately identify sources of illness AND not blame ourself no matter what the cause!

EXP: A CAT Scan showed one woman’s lungs riddled with tiny scars – causing shortness of breath with any exertion. Doctors say there’s no cure, inhalers don’t work, & acupuncture, Feldenkreis & BreathingRx treatments didn’t help.
The cause was surviving her apartment fire 20 yrs earlier, & then cleaning up all the water-logged, soot-ladened remains for several weeks. The emotional toll was enormous, but didn’t produce the physical scarring. The soot did.

Health problems related to Es  – Traditional Chinese medicine
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✶ How we interpret events can sometimes change our emotional state, BUT not always!  Some activities or situations are objectively bad & should not be given the benefit of the doubt or ‘reframed’ – like rape, incest, beating, murder, emotional or physical torture, neglect of the young & helpless ….

Shifting perspective about such actions will not change the character of the abuse! ⚑ What DOES need to change is:
🕴making excuses for the perpetrators (“They did the best they could”)
🕴and blaming ourselves for being abused !! (Self-Hate)

EXP: At 36 Nina started dating a great guy – kind, smart, warm, & very spiritual. His ex-wife cheated on him & then left without taking their young daughter – but he never understood that his perfectionism strangled her.  He said he’d forgiven her & wasn’t angry – that anger was unspiritual & unacceptable.
Nina knew this was a warning sign that he was emotionally unsafe, since it put such unrealistic pressure on her too – but wasn’t quite ready to let go.

After some weeks of dating, Nina noticed her elbow & wrist joints were sore, but figured she was too young for arthritis. After talking to several Recovery people, it dawned that the pain was from holding back her anger at feeling controlled by his perfectionism & ‘beliefs’. That same day the pain in her arms disappeared! It wasn’t long after that they broke up.

 

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NEXT: Identifying Emotions – #1