Author: dmtorbi

MBTI Type – ISFJ

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

PREVIOUS: ISFP

 

INTROVERTS

👠 👠 👠

ISFJ – The SUPPORTER / Curator / Protector
Introvert-Sensing-Feeling-Judging

🌺 Most Loyal

(13.8% world-wide) (8.1% ♂︎ //  19.4% ♀︎) The Polite caretaker // Philanthropist

NATURAL: A high sense of duty
GOAL : to Harmonize.

ISFJs are quiet, stable & practical, valuing security & traditions. Characteristically humble and unassuming, they rarely call attention to themself. Typically involved in social groups, but not wanting the spotlight, they’re more likely found behind the scenes, working diligently to fulfill their role.

With a rich inner world & keen observers of people, they’re highly attuned to the feelings of others. Being conscientious & committed to meeting their obligations, they tend to put the needs of others ahead of their own. They’re oriented to being in relationships, but can be reserved with new people, are compassionate listeners, and typically remember details about others. They often enjoy hearing the facts of someone’s life in the process of making a connection.

ISFJs have a well-developed sense of space & function, they’re patient people who apply common sense & experience to solving problems for others, usually very interested in finding ways to be of practical service. (More….)

• They’re : accountable, can be shallow,  easy to collaborate with, dependable, easy to collaborate with, empathetic, friendly, grounded, patient, respectful, sacrifice readily, talkative, traditional, work behind the scenes, understanding, unique
«

 

 «
• Hidden side : They’re more open-minded than they seem. While extremely cautious with strangers, they’re willing to try understanding others, regardless of differences.
They’re the most fantasy-prone of any Sensing type, with a love for lore & literary analysis – a way for them to keep in touch with traditions

They’re a lot more laid back than most profiles say, & some ISFJs have a tendency to give up on things they should keep at, while sticking to things they should give up on. They take what they do very seriously, but also need a lot of downtime, being highly sensitive to sensory & social input

• Life’s Purpose : Help those who are helpless.
• Their Law : You shall always take care of your family.
• They Comfort others by saying: I’m really sorry. Is there anything I can do to make it better?

• They Say : These rules suck! Only a fool goes along with them! I’m very dependable. …. no, no, it’s okay.
• Catchphrase : There’s no place like home

• Communication : Advice – Stop talking about taking care of someone. They might talk to others, but they’re rather shy, so they have to be approached. It’s worth it.

• Weaknesses : Take things too personally, being less efficient, too stressed /paranoid
• Manipulated : they passive-aggressively guilt-trip you so you feel obligated to go along with their micro-managing

• Paradoxes : Mostly consistent. Understanding AND lonely. Imaginative BUT grounded
• Value: Safety            • Fear : of being dismissed

• Judge people for: their selfishness
• Are Judged for : belittling others’ emotions

STRESSED by situations in illustration.
They 🎤 announce : Move %*#-, get out of my way!

Under stress (Phlegmatic-Melancholy) ISFJs have the tendency to lose themself in emotional & moral commitments, seeing themself as indispensable to & an intrinsic part of the cause they’re identified with.
At this point they can become self-sacrificing martyrs whose only purpose is the happiness & well-fare of others. They can end up in bad relationships where they’re willingly being used & put in a service-oriented position

In extreme circumstances they’ll become accusatory & pessimistic, tending to think the worst & shut down.  As their stress increases they cling to others, trying to keep them attached by undermining their independence, while offering them unconditional care & support.
At the same time, ISFJs hide their own feelings & vulnerabilities, unconsciously building up more frustration. They can become intolerant about whatever doesn’t fit their view of life, rejecting reality, even fiction that doesn’t agree with their values of feelings & purpose.

• Hate : an overly cocky bad-boy (who they eventually marry 🙀), asking for help because it make them feel like they’re burdening others, being chased, being misunderstood, inconsiderate people, not fitting in, not sharing, making tough decisions that affects others, pretentiousness & unfairness

• Don’t argue with ISFJ while they’re keeping : a promise
• Never : neglect them        • Never tell them : “I wish you wouldn’t talk to me or try to help me”

GROWTH
Advice : There’s a line between being nice & being a doormat.

ISFJs may be overly cautious, not always considering the logical consequences of their decisions. They can lack assertiveness, & risk basing decisions on what they think will please others.

ISFJs can benefit from learning to discover, understand & fulfill their own needs, the same way they do for others. They need to assess their opinions & goals against reality, & gauge the strength of their commitments, to keep themself balanced & reasonable.

ISFJ Relationships
YOU : are generally dependable, make a good ‘caretaker’, are committed to your partners, friend & groups you belong to. You honor commitments & like to preserve traditions.
👥  Your relationship superpower is Listening.

• Thrive in any environment that is: stable & long-lasting

• As a friend, you’re the undying loyal one who’s like a good grandparent, the one who plans the party, is there, oversees it, talks to everyone, cleans up, goes home – & them obsesses about not having done it perfectly

• Annoyed with: anyone who belittles your emotions

ISFJ Parent / child of ISFJ parent, ISFJ child  (ALSO….)

• Still single because : you’re too much of a ‘safe’ option to others
• Unhealthy behavior : giving a $100 1-week anniversary gift

• Show interest by : lots of little looks & smiles
• Show love by : taking care of practical needs, do little nice things to help

• You want to hear : I appreciate you
• You’re attractive/sexy because : you have a tender heart but also hidden strength. You radiate an intense love of sensuality, with that smitten smile & discreet charm, that makes others melt

• You should date : someone who can force you to relax & practice self-care, can teach you to worry less & go with the flow, who enjoys you taking care of them

• To attract you : they need to act like a super-hero/heroin BUT who also needs you to take care of them. You’ll jump at the chance to nurture their reckless spirit (Your turn-on)

• Some famous ISFJ : Kristi Yamaguchi, Johnny Carson, Laura Bush, Kate Middleton, Rosa Parks, Princess Mary of Denmark, King George VI, Mother Teresa

NEXT: INTP

MBTI Type – ISFP

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

PREVIOUS: MBTI Types #1

SITEs: “16 Types of Men”

 

The INTROVERTS

👠 👠 👠

ISFP – The ARTIST / Producer / Composer

Introvert-iNtuitive-Feeling-Perceiving

🌺 Most Artistic
(8.8% world-wide) (8.5% ♂︎ // 2.4% ♀︎) The Observant artist // Creator

NATURAL : Sees much but shares little
GOAL: to Evaluate.

ISFPs are reserved, serious, sensitive & kind. Not liking conflict, they’re not likely to do things which will cause it. Not interested in leading or controlling others, they’re loyal and faithful, & enjoy being of practical help or service to others, as well as bringing people together, facilitating & encouraging their cooperation.

Others can see them as somewhat detached or analytical, as they’re interested in cause and effect, tending to organize facts using principles. They’re highly skilled with mechanical work & excel at finding solutions to practical problems.

They live in the present moment and enjoy their surroundings with cheerful, low-key enthusiasm, & may be interested in or talented in extreme sports.
With extremely well-developed senses & aesthetic appreciation for beauty, needing beauty in their surrounding, they’re likely to be original & creative.  (More…)

• They’re : adaptable, colorful, considerate, cooperative, gentle, in touch with self & nature, love discovering, loyal, quiet, sensitive, self-pitying, spontaneous, strong-willed, team player, tolerant, warm, unassuming
«

«
• Hidden side : They’re not snobs or hipsters. Well, not exactly. They know what they like, full stop. Whether their tastes are considered refined or eclectic by the rest of the world varies from ISFP to ISFP. They’re not that shy – many have an SP-typical brazen sense of humor, & they love to talk endlessly about their interests.
But they’re not as prone to jump at new opportunities or experiences as other ESPs – “I don’t know, it doesn’t sound like something I’d like” is a favorite phrase

• Life’s Purpose : Splash color on a grey world.
• Their Law : You shall always be creative.
• They Comfort others by saying: Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about anything!

• They Say : I’m breaking all the rules, but it’s OK because I don’t think anyone noticed. I love having the freedom to do whatever I please. I don’t deserve this.
• Catchphrase : A picture is worth a thousand words

• Communication : Advice – Stop trying to say ‘in’ things to try fitting in – relax & use your tertiary Ni .
They’ll talk to anyone & everyone as long as they haven’t decided someone’s too intimidating to approach

• Weaknesses : Too sensitive, depression, hopelessness, silence, too clingy
• Manipulate : Scatter-brain, carefree hippies one minute, then in an obnoxious emotional turmoil the next

• Paradoxes : Accepting AND fearful. Everyone should express themselves BUT not me! Idealistic BUT practical
• Value: freedom                     • Fear : of conflict

• Judge people by: their intelligence
• Are Judged for : saying that something others created was ‘stupid’

STRESSED by situations shown in the illustration. Make list & lists & lists…

Under stress (Phlegmatic-Sanguine) ISFPs will put a lot of importance on their personal freedom, their choices, lifestyle & subjective view of life.
When feeling threatened by having to conform, & the prospect of giving up their ideals, they start rejecting other people’s help & advice, becoming increasingly defensive & dismissive.
They may resort to sarcasm, become cryptic or derogatory. Then they get cynical, depressed, aggressive, with acute self-doubt

As frustration grows, they tend to isolate to escape external influences, living on the edge of society, refuse to take any logical considerations into account, relying only on their creative emotions & peculiar worldview

• Hate : an attractive person ignoring them, asking for help because they want to do it their way, being stifled artistically, being told how to live their life, falseness, lack of freedom, losing their teeth, meanness, rejection, people who hurt others

• Don’t argue with ISFP while they’re holding : a baby
• Never : betray them         • Never tell them : “I wish you wouldn’t talk about yourself so much”

GROWTH
Advice : Figure out what your needs are, & be clear about them

Because they tend to be less assertive than some types, ISFPs may have less influence at work, & their concern for others could keep them from making tough choices. They sometimes put off making decisions in the hope that a better option will show up.

ISFPs need to find a way to bring their vision & gifts out into the open, usually by learning to express themself in a way that others can understand. By appreciating & accepting reality as it is, they can build a life that’s both authentic & appropriate.

ISFP Relationships
YOU : prize the freedom to follow your own path, enjoy having your own space & setting your own timetable, which you will also give you partners. You can be difficult to know well but do care deeply about others, which you show through actions rather than words.
👥 Your relationship superpower is Appreciation of Beauty.

• Thrive in any environment that is : adventurous & lifelong

• As a friend, you’re the hipster who listens to old music & goes to festivals, likes everything new way ahead of everyone else, & is all for wealth-distribution

• Annoyed with: anyone who’s a total buzzkill

ISFP Parent / child of ISFP parent, ISFP child  (ALSO….)

• Still single because : you’re not a musician or artist
• Unhealthy behavior : debilitatingly jealous

• Show interest by : blushing
• Show love by: a spontaneous display of caring, taking care of their emotional needs

• You want to hear : I get you
• You’re attractive/sexy because : you have an earthy “I know what I’m doing” vibe with inner strength & willpower, but also glow with excitement & liveliness. These qualities are admired & attractive

• You should date : someone who supports you completely, as well as getting inside your head, can help you break out of your I shell & accepts your vulnerability

• To attract you : they need to be playful & adventurous, & to take an interest in you, while giving space to figure out how you feel, & then go to you (Your turn-on)

• Some famous ISFP: Cher, Elizabeth Taylor, Barbra Streisand, Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson, Jackie O, Mozart

NEXT: ISFJ

MBTI Type – ISTJ

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help

PREVIOUS: ISTP

 

 

The INTROVERTS

👠 👠 👠

ISTJ – The DUTY FULFILLER / Examiner / Inspector
Introverted-Sensing-Thinking-Judging

🔑 Most Responsible /reliable

(11.6% world-wide) (16.4% ♂︎  // 6.9% ♀︎) The Rule lover // Enforcer

NATURAL – ‘Doing what should be done’
GOAL : to Prepare.

ISTJs are quiet & serious, interested in security & peaceful living, usually supporting or promoting establishments, because they value traditions & loyalty.
Their successes come from thoroughness & dependability, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving anything that takes their interest, because they have the unusual combination of imagination & organization.

They can be hard on themselves & others on work projects, & anyone caught slacking will lose their respect. Although extremely dependable perfectionists, they don’t get trapped in it, because of the pragmatic rule: “Does it work?”

ISTJs take pleasure in making everything orderly & organized – in all parts of life. Practical, matter-of-fact & realistic, they’re known for having well-developed powers of concentration, who work steadily towards goals regardless of distractions. They decide logically what should be done & work toward it steadily. (More….)

• They’re : conscientious, conventional, compulsive, command-ing, logical, need order, organized, realistic, reserved, practical, private, follow rules & regulations, supportive, systematic, thorough, traditional, trustworthy

«
• Hidden side: They can be quite vulnerable, getting depressed & anxious when faced with a difficult decision – because of their strong sense of accountability.
At the same time, they’re sillier, softer & stranger than most profiles dare to mention, and more than ISTJs themselves realize. Some become so firmly set in their habits they may not notice how idiosyncratic they are. They can also have a knack for puns & poignant descriptions, though most people would never peg ISTJs as ‘poetic’.

• Life’s Purpose : To do what must be done.
• Their Law : You shall never be lazy.
• They Comfort others by saying: What the f– are feelings?

• They Say : I’ve completed everything according to the rules. When I give my word,  give my honor. WHAT are you doing?
• Catchphrase : Do right & fear no man

• Communication : Advice – Stop talking about the weather. They may be caught up with whatever they’re doing, but they’re available for a conversation when not busy. It’ll be fun.

• Weaknesses : Tend to blame others, unusually impulsive, decreased efficiency, perfectionist
• Manipulate : They have step by step instructions on how to judge & criticize you

• Paradoxes : Dependable AND rigid. Need to obey authority AND need personal attention. Modest BUT proud, least weird of the types – making them a little weird

• Value: dedication       • Fear : Not able to fulfill responsibilities
• Judge people by: their competence
• Are Judged for : not being dependable

STRESSED by situations in illustration. They’re cool-headed, but get hard like ice.

Under stress (Pure melancholy) ISTJs tend to see others as overly subjective & weak, which makes them think it’s time to take control & set things right. They can become domineering & uncompromising, assume their logic is the only valid standard, & try to impose it.
While they crave personal contact & affection, they won’t give in to their emotional side. They blame others for being corrupt, biased & disrespectful so that a self-righteous anger takes over.

Stress triggers can be things that challenge their natural preference for structure & logic. They can be accusatory & pessimistic, tending to withdraw & shut down. As the pressure becomes intolerable, psychological valves open to release frustration in inappropriate ways: bursts of anger, impulsive behaviors, excessive drinking or eating……

• Hate : being nagged, being useless, under-performing, failing a test, letting others down, lack of honor, being misjudged, asking for help because it make them feel they’re burdening others, lack of leadership, someone behaving like Zooey Deschanel,

• Don’t argue with ISTJ when they’re having : faith in you
• Never : mislead them
• Never tell them : “You didn’t even try”

GROWTH
Advice: You can’t fit others’ individual differences into a (your) mold

ISTJs can become set in their ways, seen as rigid & impersonal. Too easily judgmental, they need to pay close attention to their motivations & what they’re making judgments about. Because they tend to do so without enough information, it’s best to start by understanding what they’re criticizing, & only then form an opinion.

They can benefit from verbalizing their own views more often, but without too much detail, as well as being more aware of how people will feel in response.

Their greatest challenge has to do with being willing to change – finding the right balance between preserving what works, while being open to experimental or new ideas, where some will fail but others will reveal better ways of doing things. (More….)

ISTJ Relationships
YOU: are generally seen as someone who values traditions, is consistent & orderly. You develop strong loyalty in others & work hard to keep commitments.
👥 Your relationship superpower is Commitment.

• Thrive in any environments that are: respectful and traditional

• As a friend, others can trust you with their life. You’re the super organized one who always shows up early, & was the ‘smart one’ who answered all the Qs in class
• Annoyed with: anyone who can’t be count on for anything

ISTJ Parent / child of ISTJ parent, ISTJ child  (ALSO…..)

• Still single because : you’re uptight
• Unhealthy behavior : taking the ‘shared-bathroom-schedule’ too seriously

• Show interest by : ultra-intense eye contact
• Show love by : handling problems or practical matters for you, offering you advice (un-asked for)

• You want to hear : I depend on you
• You’re attractive/sexy because : you have a natural rhythm & structure which many find desirable, are intense, with a strong will to follow your inner drummer which is admirable

• You should date : someone who can pull you out of your shell & force you to accept life’s messy bits, can teach you that taking risks & breaking rules can sometimes be fun

• To attract you : be bubbly / charming enough to warm your heart, but flaky enough to imply they need your help (Your turn-on)

• Some famous ISTJs: Natalie Portman, Robert De Niro, Jackie Joyner-Kersee, George Washington, Queen Elizabeth II, George W. Bush

NEXT: ISFP

MBTI Type – ISTP

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: Al-anon Step 10, #2

SITE: • 11 Talents Is Don’t Realize They Have

 

The INTROVERTS

👠 👠 👠

ISTP – The MECHANIC / Craftsman / Operator
Introvert-Sensing-Thinking-Perceiving
🔑 Most Pragmatic
(5.4% world-wide) (8.5% ♂︎ 2.4% ♀︎)  The Quiet explorer // Engineer

NATURAL – “Ready to try anything once.”
GOAL: to Inspect.

ISTPs are quiet, reserved, uncomplicated in their desires. They can seem somewhat detached or analytical, but have a rich inner world of observations about people, & are extremely perceptive of other’s feelings. They’re kind, tolerant & flexible, usually putting the needs of others before their own, & can be interested in being of  service.

Conscientious, stable & practical, they value efficiency, security & traditions. They’re loyal to their peers & to their internal value systems, but not overly concerned with respecting laws & rules if those are in the way of getting something done.

ISTPs love learning, are excellent with mechanical things, & enjoy perfecting a craft by patiently applying their skills. Quiet observers until a problem appears, then act quickly to find workable solutions. They can remain calm while managing a crisis, easily deciding what needs to be done to solve the problem

They’re interested in cause & effect, will organize facts logically, & have a well-developed sense of space & function. Good at analyzing how things work, they can easily get through large amounts of data to get to the core of practical problems.

Usually interested in & talented at extreme sports. Risk-takers who live for the moment, they’re ready to try anything once. Well suited for an apocalyptic event, so without something exciting – they’ll make one up because they get bored

• They’re: adaptable, analytical, creative, energetic, fierce, great in a crisis, honest, independent, logical, rational, ready for anything, observant, physical, practical, seen as cool & aloof, spontaneous, technical, unemotional, unpretentious
«

«
• Hidden side : Usually much more caring than most profiles give them credit for. They have a deep ‘brotherly-love’ nature, often using practical trouble-shooting skills to give loved ones & friends advice & help. While typically independent & solitary in pursuing hobbies, they’re not that aloof in social situations, with a knack for observational humor

• Life’s Purpose: To fix what’s broken
• Their Law : You shall always rebel
• They Comfort others by saying: What happened this time?

• They Say : Rules are important for others, & if I feel like it I might follow along.  I love sports & the outdoors. Can we do something ‘cool’ now?
• Catchphrase : A bad workman blames his tools

• Communication Advice – to Talk more…. and you’re OK.
They don’t want to talk to (almost) anyone so no one will know that they have better things to do – secretly

• Weaknesses : Dislike commitment, psychologically isolated, over-emphasize logic, so focused on improving things they come off as unappreciative
• Manipulate : Will be mindlessly passive unless you have mechanical parts they can fix, or you have to push them off a cliff for an adrenaline hit to get them going

• Paradoxes : Calculating AND uncaring. Are for all systems BUT against social systems. Stubborn BUT easygoing
• Value: friendship         • Fear : Lack of independence

• Judge people by: their smarts
• Are Judged for : not wanting to try anything new

STRESSED by situations in illustration ←

Under stress (Melancholy-Sanguine) ISTPs have a tendency to resist or reject any request or situation that doesn’t fit their basic views on life.

Afraid of being controlled by others, they protect their freedom by cutting out demanding people, & only hang out with those who have the same – usually antisocial – attitude.  In extreme cases they’ll feel alienated & upset, prone to complaining & hypersensitivity.

As pressure increases, they’re very likely to have a rebellious attitude against society & its organizational systems (government, political parties….), whose power they see as threatening their independence. By suspecting & blaming the system, they ‘leave’ reality & end up living as outcasts, ignoring common norms & values.

• Hate :  —  asking for help because it make them think they won’t learn how to do it, anyone who won’t ‘get their hands dirty’
— being trapped, being told what to do,  disrespect, rigid structure,
— lack of privacy, loss of control, stupidity, when someone thinks they know what’s best for the ISTP then steps in to their life & does that very thing

• Don’t argue with an ISTP when they’re holding : a knife
• Never : use them    • Never tell them: “You’re actually awful at hobbies”

GROWTH:
Advice: Learn people-skills, because they’re useful & will get you places

ISTPs risk focusing so much on what needs to be done immediately that they miss the big picture. They don’t always follow through on projects that require working closely with others

ISTPs can avoid psychological breakdown by recognizing & valuing the human experience as a whole, regardless of personal differences. Accepting that human needs & aspirations are important & strikingly similar despite variety, they can use their practical skills to help society instead of trying to bring it down. (MORE….)

ISTP Relationships
YOU: are generally fair & tolerant of a wide range of behavior, but then surprise others by clearly objecting when logical principles are attacked. Being quiet & reserved – you can be a challenge to read.
👥 Your relationship superpower is Respect. 

• Thrive in any environments that is: practical yet independent

• As a friend, you’re the sexy one who goes along with everything, seems to have your career all planned out, & always seems to know what’s wrong with your car or computer
• Annoyed with : others who never want to try anything new

ISTP Parent / child of ISTP parent, ISTP child (ALSO....)

• Still single because : you’re stuck in a Ti-Ni loop – re your stack (Ti-Se-Ni-Fe).
• Unhealthy behavior : distant, emotionally unavailable

• Show interest by : confronting someone directly
• Show love by : acknowledging practical needs, sharing useful info

• You want to hear : It’s up to you
• You’re attractive/sexy because : you’re aloof, mysterious, broody, with a low-key humor, both an old soul & child-like – that’s intriguing & hard to miss

• You should date : someone who’ll give you space, but also force you to show more affection, who doesn’t let you push them away even tho’ you try, can force you out of your head & show you how to accept emotions

• To attract you : they need to infiltrate your social circle, see you often but act nonchalant, & then offer sex (Your turn-on)

• Some famous ISTPs: Keith Richards, Bruce Lee, Miles Davis, Tiger Woods, Katherine Hepburn, Clint Eastwood

NEXT: ISTJ

Al-Anon STEP 10 – Comments (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , , , ,

 

PREVIOUS: 10th Step #2

SITEs:  8 books for ACoA   ///   Apology GUIDE

AA / Al-Anon Step 10 : “Continued to take personal inventory & when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

1. Daily Inventory

2. AND WHEN WE’RE WRONG  (cont.)

🔻 Something that did not hurt or upset another, but which we are convinced did. Again, this is our narcissism – projecting how we’d feel if….. In fact, what we’re obsessing about may not have even registered, or if it did – it didn’t bother them.

So – ASK  “When I said/did ——, how did you feel?” (done right away, or at the next opportunity). Do not put your words in their mouth!
✔︎ If the other person was not upset, believe them & drop it!
THEN if you insist on explaining, justifying…. it’s not at all about making an amend to —-> the other person.
Instead – it’s all about you, trying to get them to make you feel better

✘ If it did bother them, then we can apologize, but not in a self-serving way by trying to justify our behavior!
However, sometimes BRIEFLY providing a legitimate context is helpful to the other person “I’m so sorry for ———, yesterday my mom was rushed to the hospital // I’d just had a chemo treatment…. // Sometime my brain-injury makes it hard to remember —– ” (Try not to use the word ‘but’ before the explanation!)

⚠️ Human mistakes  – not a tragedy. These can come from being tired, under great stress, over-doing or from ignorance. We need to have our own internal permission to be ‘normal’ (imperfect), to forgive ourself with kindness & then make any necessary corrections.
Most other people are not as upset about our errors as we are !

🔻 Things we said or did which actually hurt / harmed someone.
Sadly, the WIC still gets things backwards, as with the backwards Serenity Prayer.
We blame ourself for things that are not wrongs, while having great difficulty owning long-term defense mechanisms : superiority, lying, lateness, insensitivity, laziness, procrastination, S-H …..
Not noticing our unhealthy behavior is a lack of self-awareness – patterns we think “well, that’s just me” but are actually the False Self, & a deep-seated shame about our True-Self needs.

*    *    *    *    *    *
3. PROMPTLY ADMIT IT
a. Re. OURSELF –  The Program phrase “Let it begin with me” certainly applies here.
If we accurately identify a ‘failing’, we can promptly admit it to ourself – without shame or S-H.  Hard for many ACAs to do!

In Recovery we learn that character defects come from the wounded child &/or PP, so even with years of hard work they don’t go away fast or easily. We need to be KIND to ourselves, & patient with our process!
For in-depth info, read posts “Outgrowing Co-dep Niceness #6a-7c”, re. Forgiving ourself.

b. Re. OTHERS – 9th Step procedure applies here too – read post “Outgrowing Co-dep Niceness #8a = Being forgiven by others”.

A sponsor may suggest that “promptly” means to act within 48 hours – not a week or a year.  But for many ACAs it can take hours or days before we realize we need to make an amend, or to take the time to overcome shame, or calm down from anger, & get some perspective.

REMEMBER that in some cases the other person may not accept the amends or want to talk to us at all. Sometimes it’s not safe or even possible to reach them.
Also – an abusive boss, a mentally ill family member, a manipulative narcissist, the passive-aggressive….. can easily use a sincere ‘amend’ against us, if not right away, then some later time when it suits them.
We do need to use discretion & be self-protective.

Not wanting to apologize may seem like PRIDE on the surface, but actually it’s:
a. being ASHAMED of not being perfect
b. something that was shamed / punished in our family growing up
To be able to apologize ‘easily’ we can not be choked with SHAME!

💠   💠    💠    💠
Read: ACoA 12 Steps

ACoA 10th Step: “We continued to take personal inventory & to love and approve of ourselves.”
• This is not arrogance or narcissism, but rather, self-care.
• It’s not about being at the extremes of either having to be “right” <—–> or of self-flagellation.
• AND keeping our side of the street clean does NOT mean staying with people who don’t want to be with us, who are subtly abusive or simply are incompatible!

By accepting ourself completely, we can slowly outgrow much of our damage, & uncover our True Self. This minimizes the amount & frequency of acting on character defects. It keeps us from isolating ourselves & judging everyone else.
“Admitting & Accepting” is the mental health of acknowledging our human-ness & the need to be part of the human race.

NEXT: MBTI Introverts

Al-Anon STEP 10 – Comments (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self-help , , , , , , , ,


PREVIOUS : 10th Step #1

SITE: 10th Step Worksheet 

• A Study of Step 10 


AA/ Al-Anon Step 10 : “Continued to take personal inventory AND when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

1. Daily INVENTORY (cont.)
✔︎ What were my thoughts today?
NOTE: This is NOT what you said out loud – only what was in your head.
Re: Yourself – most of this list will be the self-abusing thoughts from :
✧ the PP /Introject, in the ‘You‘ form (You should have know that), OR
✧ the WIC who believe the PP as Self-Hate, in the ‘I‘ form (I’m such a failure, I can’t ___, I’ll never___ )

Re. Others – If you’re angry at someone else, the thoughts will be harsh judgments & derogatory name calling
If you’re anxious, they’ll usually be thoughts of how to placate or avoid that person – mind-reading about what they think of you

These will all be in the form of obsessions – round & round – without asking yourself what childhood button was pushed, nor looking for a solution to the situation. (POSTS: “What just happened?”)

IMAGEs: they illustrate the positive & negative sides ⏬️ of our thoughts & Es, NOT as mental illness, but actually normal in all humans

POSITIVE: Identify all helpful, kind, adult, realistic, mentally healthy thinking (“What she said had nothing to do with who I am // I’ve just reached my limit // I need help with this // that was a good meeting”…. )

✯   ✯   ✯   ✯   ✯
2. AND WHEN WE’RE WRONG  (see posts on “Being right“)

What kind of wrong(s)? First we need to distinguish between defects of character, what’s our responsibility & what’s S-H.
a. DEFECTS (same as shortcomings) can be defined as “a fault or failure to meet a certain standard….” They are basically defense mechanisms (unhealthy patterns) that all of us develop in response to a painful childhood & outside traumas

** IMP: in 12-Step ‘work’, lists of defects always include emotions. This is WRONG! Emotions are never defects – only some thinking (CDs), AND some behavior patters (abusive actions) – which together are used to deny painful emotions.

b.  RESPONSIBILITY is simply a frank acknowledgement of what we think, do & feel – or not, without judgement or self-abuse.
We can still ‘feel bad’ about hurting someone & need to make it right if possible, but it does NOT cause shame or self-abuse

c.  SELF-HATE is blaming ourself for causing ANY hurt or fear we feel, & projecting abandonment, especially if someone ignored or harmed us, or if we’re not perfect!

We also need to Identify our rights, so we know what a wrong IS or is NOT. Just because someone doesn’t like what we say or do – does not mean it was ‘a wrong’! SO, look for:

🔻 Something that was NOT ‘a wrong’ at all, but actually:
✒︎ someone else made it sound like it was. This can be from :
⚬ projecting their own disowned defect
⚬ a way to deflect blame from themself
⚬ we having pushed one of their buttons
⚬ being caught in a defect of theirs (lie, error, abuse….) which they’re ashamed of

✒︎ someone hurt us & ⏫️ WE made it our fault – typical of codependents. We apologize in knee-jerk fashion, as if we caused the other person to say or do something inappropriate

✸ While this reaction is deeply ingrained in ACAs, it will most often show up when we’re around anyone who is oblivious to the effect of their actions, or who doesn’t care.
This is the WIC taking responsibility for someone else’s narcissism.
✧ It’s what we were trained to do by family & religion
✧ It’s carrying the guilt for them, since they won’t
✧ It’s as if we could teach them how to be responsible for their actions – like the alcoholic’s spouse who thinks they can ‘show’ the active drinker how to be moderate by example.

Also NOT ‘a wrong’ :
🔻 Something we were often punished for / made fun of…. as kids (family, school, religion…). It may have been normal child behaviors, or some inabilities, omissions, expressions of emotions….

This left us with a deep sense of Shame now re. expressing any imperfection which we then label as a character defect.
This emotion prevents us from thinking clearly, it silences us, makes us want to slink away, hide under the carpet, to die – the pain is so great, like a punch in the stomach!

NEXT: 10th Step, #3

Al-Anon STEP 10 – Comments (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , ,

PREVIOUS : Use “THINK” instead of “feel” #2

SITE: Al-Anon Step 10  Questions (scroll down)

• MORNING MEDITATION READING = Today I will…..


AA/AL-Anon 10th Step: “Continued to take personal inventory & when we were wrong promptly admitted it.”

This Step separates into 3 distinct issues: inventory, wrongs, admitting

1. DOING a REGULAR (daily?) INVENTORY
a. STEP 10 is a general evaluation of our activities for some brief period. The actual purpose is to help us stay present for what’s going on inside of us on a continuing basis.

It’s an antidote to our compulsion to escape the WIC’s old pain that hasn’t been cleaned out yet –  by retreating into the ‘lala land’s of FB, TV, reading, over-doing…. & various addictions. It’s a way to not slide back into denial, back into just DOing instead of BEing, back into our ACA’s built-in “forgetter” state. 

b. WHEN? While it’s not stated, the assumption is that we take this step every day. In the Al-Anon book: “Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon’s Steps, Traditions and Concepts” a member writes that at first they did it once a day, then added a lunch time evaluation at work, so that anything that needed to be corrected could be done right away & then the afternoon would go more smoothly.

But each of us must find our own rhythm. The more regularly we get in the habit of checking in with ourself, the more we can connect with our True Self, & burn off bits & pieces of our damage.

c. Continuing a personal inventory does not exclusively mean listing all the flaws, mistakes, omissions… we’ve committed that day.
Yet in the literature & in meetings the focus is mainly on character defects we identified in Step 4.  About Step 10, one internet site says “Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them…..”

d. Simply doing it this way is lopsided. To be accurate – make 2 very short lists of both plusses & minuses we observes in ourself. If we’re doing this during the day, they can be 2-5 for each side.

If it’s at the end of the day, we will benefit by only doing a positive inventory, as shown in the column —->. This is particularly important for ACAs because our focus is always on what we did wrong, which keeps us stuck in narcissistic S-H. (More on ‘wrongs’ in Part 2)

And, to be ‘rigorously honest’ – we need to include all T.E.A.s (thoughts, emotions & actions) – without self-judgement – BRIEFLY.  —> SO:

✔︎ What were my actions today?  This is what most of us focus on. It includes things like co-dependent people-pleasing or passive-aggressive reactions – which mostly hurts ourselves, but also hurts others by not being present with them (psychological dishonesty) – & some ways we abandon others.
ASK: Did I “Correct, Complain, Criticize?”
POSITIVE: Identify any & all actions, even if they’re easy, short, simple or repeated every day

✔︎ What were my emotions (Es) today?  annoyed, anticipating, anxious, bored, excited, grateful, pleased, relieved…?
Since ACAs have trouble identifying our Es, start by briefly listing any events of the day which might have bothered you but which you brushed aside at the time – when someone ignored you, your ex called, you got a compliment, you forgot something…..

Then ask yourself:  “IF I had had an E for each event, what might it have been? Sad, hurt, angry, relieved, pleased….

This inventory is particularly important if you feel drained, upset, antsy, obsessing…. at the end of the day but don’t know why.  Notice how unrecognized Es add up & may contribute to your unease. Just because we don’t FEEL them, doesn’t mean they’re not there!

NOW: You can acknowledge some of these Es you’ve learned to suppress (denial), & can talk about them in meetings, therapy & with sponsors – to bring them into consciousness.
IMP: This will prevent having to act them out.

POSITIVE: Include a list of comfortable Es you experienced – no matter how subtle or brief. It’s important to reinforce all positives (peaceful, happy, relieved, relaxed, amused, excited ….)

NEXT : Step 10 – #2 (re. Thoughts)

Use ‘THINK’ instead of ‘Feel’ (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Personal Growth, recovery

PREVIOUS: SAY Think, not Feel #1

27 POSTS: “Emotions….” (in 2011 + Jan 2012) – in case you  mistakenly think Emotions are being minimized 😱

 

THINKING
The human brain is built for language – mainly on the Left side – the mental tool that allows us to formulate ideas, & the cognitive rules for linking them together. Being able to think clearly & accurately needs a healthy, well developed top part of the brain.
The frontal lobe, particularly the prefrontal cortex, the area furthest forward – is involved in sophisticated inter-personal thinking skills. Both left & right sides are used for interactive social competence, & the mental skills needed for our emotional well-being.

USING Accurate LANGUAGE accurately
For members of 12-Step Programs or faithful practitioners of a spiritual path,  Spiritual Principles tell us to be honorable in all our ways – as much as humanly possible. One of those ideals is to be Trustworthy, & one way to do that is to be sure we “Say what you mean & mean what you say – but don’t say it mean.”

This allows others to depend on us, without being co-dependent, as long as we’re speaking from our Truth. To do that implies that WE:
• have internal permission to find out who we are, a day at a time
• are capable of & willing to be honest with ourself about what we truly think & feel, AND can tell them apart
•  have the right kind of language to figure those out, & then express them

Mental vagueness makes knowing that impossible, & inaccurate speech creates misunderstanding, so we stay isolated, & hurt others.
Instead, we need the right kind of info about such things as :
HOW TO
⚬ deal with disagreements & conflict
⚬ communicate emotions
⚬ develop healthy boundaries, to know when to talk or not
⚬ distinguish between rescuing & helping
⚬ say things from the Adult ego state instead of from the WIC or PP
⚬  talk to ourself with kindness & patience
KNOW :
⚬ what level of communication we’re dealing with ↗
⚬ who we’re talking to (sick family, loving mate, dumb boss….)
⚬ what’s appropriate to say in various situations, like when it’s ok to get personal, & when we’re over-sharing

🌟 GROWTH
Consciously, consistently practice saying “I THINK…..” instead of “I feel…” will greatly help to figure who WE are, contribute to our ‘sanity’ & improve our connection with others. Only use FEEL if deliberately meaning to refer to body sensations or emotions.

The easiest way to know the difference:
❇  Sensations & Emotions are ONE WORD each, as many as we are experiencing at the time: “I feel tired & achy, but relieved & happy / I feel hungry but I’m too excited to eat / I’m so jumpy – I can’t relax…..”

✳ Thoughts are always MORE than one word (any sentence). “I think it’s time to ask for a raise / How long do you think it’ll take? / I think you’re a pain-in-the–!”…..

NOTE: Thoughts —-> lead to —-> emotions (Es), but we rarely actually say the Es in conversation. “I feel like you don’t like me” does not actually state any emotion, although it’s implied .
💡 More accurately : “I’m angry / sad / frustrated / lonely / afraid…. because it seems (I think / observe) that you don’t like me”

And we don’t have to be limited to the word ‘think / thought’. Here are others that fall into the M category of PMES, ( Mental = cognitive)

• “I assume you know what you’re doing”
• “I believe it’s time to end this affair”
• “I concluded she was angry at me”
• “They didn’t consider that a legitimate option”
• “I’m convinced my neighbor is spying on me!”
• “I figure they’re going to be half an hour late as usual”
• “I gathered this is your favorite restaurant”
• “I can’t imagine anyone being willing to help me”
• “I know now that I can trust you”

• “Did you notice the way she were looking at you?”
• “I observe that he never finishes anything”
• “I can’t stop obsessing about that mistake I made”
• “I’m projecting that no one at the party will like me”
• “Don’t even speculate about that!”
• “He suspected them of lying to the cops”
• “Did you think I was insulting you?”
• “I keep wondering how soon I can leave – politely!”
• “Did you understand that lecture?”

NOTICE – they’re all sentences without any E words

EXERCISE: Write out (T) how you’d (incorrectly) say any of these sentences using “I feel that…. / I feel like….” EXP: “I feel like I can trust you now”

Regularly including one of these THINKING words ⬆ in your sentences – instead of FEEL –  is a hard habit to break, but well worth the effort!

«
PS: This Chart identifies a wide range of Es, in 4 groupings. See how many you are aware of throughout your day. Stay aware for how they’re not thoughts.

NEXT:  Al-anon Step 10, #1

Use ‘THINK’ instead of ‘Feel’ (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

 PREVIOUS: Spiritual Resilience, #3

POSTs: Feelings aren’t facts // Anxiety & T.E.A. // ACoAs & Emotions


REVIEW: Many of us are addicted to using the word ‘FEEL’ incorrectly & indiscriminately in all our communications, causing all sorts of problems. In English (& maybe in other Western languages), we use ‘feel’ to talk about 3 totally different categories of meaning:

👣 • Feel as physical SENSATIONS (correct)
“I feel hungry, thirsty, exhausted, peppy, strong, need the bathroom, energized….”

💝 • Feel as EMOTIONS (correct)
“I feel sad, happy, sexy, excited, depressed, scared, angry, loving, sympathetic….”

🧠 • Feel as THOUGHTS (incorrect)
“I feel that they don’t want me around” / “Do you feel like you can do that?”

This 3rd one is the big problem. Why? After all, it’s the most common way everyone expresses themself, yet in this case we’re never referring to emotions (or even a sensation) but instead – only to thinking.
Feelings are not thoughts – see posts listed above. However, if asked how we feel, most of us tend to give long, sometimes rambling answers. And when therapists ask this question, they’re trying to elicit an emotion-answer. So they ask again: “How do you feel?” & off we go again, providing information (thoughts / opinions) but not emotions.

NOTE: This is not to dismiss our capacity to SENSE/intuit something about others . EXP: that Joe’s actually very upset, even though he’s acting all cheerful ….. that Mike & Sara have definitely cooled toward you – still polite but less available….

But saying “I feel like something’s wrong” does not indicate what you feel about it (sympathy/ frustration / anxiety / annoyance). It’s an observation – however accurate it may be – but not an emotion.

While this distorted way of talking may be the norm in our culture, for ACAs it’s of much bigger relevance, since it leads to profound confusion for ourself & when trying to communicate with others. It can make us say things like: “I feel crazy”.
? This could mean you’re overwhelmed by intense emotions, but crazy is a mental issue, not emotional
? OR that you’re lost in obsession about conflicting double messages (‘voices’)…. which are crazy-making, but doesn’t actually mean you’re crazy!
☆ Instead, you could say “I’m scared – because I don’t know how to handle this mess!”

IMP: For ACA, using the word ‘feel’ to mean ‘think’ makes it impossible to get the connection between our actual emotions – such as anxiety, worry, anger…. & what we’re saying to ourselves – usually negative thoughts (S-H / Projecting).
Without having that connection we can’t find out who we really are, be understood or get the help we need.
Long-term stress creates a communication split between the 2 halves of the brain – as a defense. Instead of working together, one side is used much more than the other, making it too dominant. Which side is ‘chosen’ comes from a combination of our native personality, the traumas we’ve suffered & our culture’s preferences. (Brain Repatterning exercises help get the 2 sides working together)

⚡ T.E.A. RESULT
a. Many damaged people (addicts, narcissists, may ACAs….) ‘live in their head’- the brain’s Left side. They:
• complain about everything, only talk about their actions (As) & gossip about what others are doing – whether they know them or not
• are only vaguely aware of what they actually think (Ts), even when they’re ranting about something!
• are numb to most or all their emotions which they’ve consistently buried (Es), & refuse to unearth – but act them out, usually to everyone’s detriment

b. The opposite type of wounded people (including very sensitive ACAs) are dominated by the functions of the Right brain – ‘drama-queen or king’ types, caught up in what they’re convinced are ‘true’ emotions (Es), but are instead too intense & too long-lasting.
1. Their Es are rarely if ever comfortable or joyous (not the high of being in a fantasy).
A healthy emotional life includes a wide range of Es, not just extremes

2. Their Es are never the bottom line issue – always going to rage instead of feeling sorrow or vulnerability, constantly anxious instead of feeling long-hidden anger, self-hate instead of feeling the original abandonment…..

3. The intensity is often way out of proportion to present-day events.
Healthy emotions fall mostly in the mid-range (+/- 20, not +/- 100 from neutral)

4. Their Es can go on & on, for weeks, even years.
Healthy emotions come & go rather quickly – a reasonable response to the moment, not about past or future

5. The intensity is actually messy globs of unprocessed old pain – real but “hysterical, because they’re historical”.
Since such people are automatically engulfed by painful Es whenever triggered, they don’t hear the very real – harmful – beliefs & obsessions hidden directly behind that wall of emotional flames.
Not being able to recognize their thoughts, they have no way to correct cognitive distortions from the Introject, or to comfort the WIC.

NEXT: Think vs Feel  #2

Developing RESILIENCE – Spiritual (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery

PREVIOUS: Resilience – Spiritual #2

SITE: 3 Visualizations To enhance Resilience, Ultimate Meaning can be gained through activities that meet our soul-needs.

 

 

SPIRITUAL RESILIENCE (S>R>) Components  CHART ↘︎


1. Spirituality
2. Humility
3. Emotional Equilibrium

 

4. STOOL of balance
God’s Timing – requires both Faith & Patience. God gives each person their own spiritual path, so how you travel on it will be different from everyone else. That means that some areas of your growth will seem to improve more easily, while others will take longer, & each of those time frames will be different for everyone else. So there’s no point in comparing!

⚙︎ Knowledge = of Soul & Spirit: we are created as spirit beings with a soul (Hebrew = nefesh), the personality made up of emotions, mind & will, encased in a body. The soul is meant to be ruled by our spirit – our breath of life – & the spirit is to be ruled by THE Spirit (Ruach), the supernatural part of a human that holds the breath of God which powers the entire being.
Compassion – as we stay connected to  The Spirit, we experience the ability to connect to everyone & everything else 

⚙︎ Wisdom = from The Knowledge. That deep understanding then forms a blend of social, emotional & mental processes, transmuting experience into wisdom. It’s an awareness of how things play out over time, providing balance between needs & wants. That gives us the S>R> to tolerate the uncertainties of life, as well as its difficulties

Truth – Wisdom gives us the courage to tell ourself the truth – about how we feel, what we think, want or don’t want. “You’re only as sick as your secrets” means owning up to the flaws we hide from ourselves. But wisdom also knows who, where & how much of it to right-tell to others

⚙︎ Zeal = goal oriented enthusiasm based on The Knowledge – the essence of a robust spiritual life – the opposite of complacency, but not fanaticism. 🪭 Because humans cannot feel enthusiastic & guilty at the same time, S>R> depends on continually working to outgrow behaviors that harm ourself & others (character defects from damage)

Free Will – the philosophical/religious concept of ‘moral liberty’ that says we can freely choose between right & wrong, consciously making decisions not determined by the biology of our brain. However, there are many influences out of our control, (Step 1), that Wisdom teaches us to accept without resistance, leading to S>R> 

5. Compassion
 Developing it, both for oneself & for others, is one of the most overlooked aspects of the resilience skill set. While empathy is taking on another person’s perspective, & sharing emotions, compassion is when those feelings & thoughts include the desire to help, but with boundaries (not rescuing)

Research tells us that doing compassionate acts produce ‘good’ emotions
— internally, & in positive relationships (cooperation & collaboration)
— externally, which strengthens resilience.

EXP: In CA (2009) David Breaux asked people to write down their concept of Compassion & got back over 9,500 responses. He’s been using that input to provide spiritual healing to hundreds of people as a ‘street therapist’.

6. Post-trauma growth (P-TG)
Spiritual beliefs & practices provide a sense of purpose to one’s life which helps people know they’re not victims of arbitrary events. It’s a Belief in a Higher Power who is ‘in charge’ – God is on His throne – now & forever. This implies that what happens to us is not arbitrary, but does not eliminate or substitute our right & ability to choose actions & responses, creating balance. The ultimate in post-trauma growth (P-TG) in Biblical terms would be Jesus Christ’s resurrection.

7. Silence
Having Spiritual Resilience is based on a connection to Spirit. And that requires regularly quieting the mind to hear that ‘still small voice’ – our own & that of H.P. We are made up atoms & molecules held together with pure energy that keeps everything in the Universe moving in the right order. We can tap into that by being quiet – every so often.

The brain & the mind are different.
— the brain needs the right chemistry & health to function well
— the mind includes conscious & unconscious awareness – which we have some control over.
What works for some is meditating, for others it’s doing visualizations, & for many it’s praying. The important thing is that some form of quiet time needs to be a regular part of our day.  (MORE….)

NEXT: MBTI – Introvert T & F