Author: dmtorbi

Double MESSAGES – Mind Games (Part 4b)

dmtorbi ACoAs


PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 4a

 

HARMFUL mind GAMES (cont)

🦨 If You’re Not Good, Santa Won’t Bring You Any Gifts

It’s both a bribe & a threat – a terrible way to get a child to behave. It makes being loved (the gifts) conditional on the child’s actions, rather than being loved unconditionally. An easy game to play for the month of December

🦨 Go Ask Your Mom / If Your Dad Says it’s Okay
When a child asks one parent if they can do something, or if they can have something, & that parent refers them to the other one, shifting the burden of responsibility so they don’t have to be the “bad guy” or say the wrong thing. They leave it up to the other adult to either please the child, or disappoint it. It’s a mean game to both child & other adult

🦨 What Would Your Father / Mother Say?
This game is both —shaming
— a way to shame the child: ”What would he/she think of you if they know what you just did/said?” (“he/she won’t love you any more”), AND
— again, pitting one parent against the other, A using B as a threat & judge, so A can shirk parental responsibility

🦨 Just Wait Until Your Father Gets Home
This game is gender-specific, making the male parent the ‘more dangerous’ one – not universal, just more common. It unfairly, unnecessarily makes the child afraid of that parent, who is being used as a threat.
If mom (A) is home when a problem comes up she should deal with it immediately herself – if possible. Making the child wait for the other parent to dole out discipline or punishment is both unfair to dad (B), and a torture for the child

🦨 Why Can’t You be More Like Your Sister (cousin, movie star….)?
This one is down right evil – negatively comparing one child to ANYone else. Rather than involving the other parent, it adds fuel to the horrors of sibling or peer rivalry.  It can involve 2 girls, 2 boys in the same family, one child & a cousin or other relative, or the child vs. an idealized religious or media figure (“What would Jesus do?”, or why can’t you be more like Cindy Crawford? )

• Pitting one child against anyone else clearly says to the ‘bad’ child that themore gamesy’re unacceptable & therefore unlovable. It can be made into
— a competition (he’s getting good grades / she doesn’t give me any trouble…) OR
— a comparison (She’s so quiet, elegant, obedient, respectful)
Either way the “imperfect” child loses – developing S-H, as well as resenting / hating the other child or person

🦨 If You Don’t Look After the Pet, We’ll Get Rid of It

This is another destructive game. Not only does it hurt the child, but it ultimately the pet. Children should NEVER be told they’re 100% responsible for pet care. They cannot be asked to accept a lifetime commitment, & many pets will not be taken in by others when they’re no longer little & cute, so they’re often euthanized. If parents can’t handle the responsibility, they shouldn’t get one

• This game definitely destroys a child’s sense of trust, safety & innocence. It also damages their understanding of responsibility, even their ability to maintain a relationship later in life. After all – their own parent showed them that all life, all commitments, are disposable!

SHORT FORM of DMs – with Medical examples:
1. Explicit (direct): If you take some Action, you’ll be punished
>> You go to the doctor with serious symptoms, & told you should have come in sooner'bad doc'
2. Implicit (hinted): If you don’t take that SAME Action, you’ll also be punished
>> You go to the doctor with mild or vague symptoms, & are labeled a hypochondriac or drug-seeking
3. Meta – If you bring up the contradiction, you’ll be punished
>> If you point out the dilemma, you’re labeled as uncooperative
4. You can’t leave, or you’ll be punished
>> You still need medical care or you’ll get a lot worse  (MORE…..)

NEXT:  Styles of DMs, Part 5

Double MESSAGES – Mind Games (Part 4a)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confused turtle THEY’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY
but I can’t figure out what’s wrong

PREVIOUS: DMs Part 4

REVIEW posts:‘Emotional abuse’  and ‘Toxic family Rules’

 

REVIEW: Double Messages (DMs) are manipulative forms of verbal & emotional abuse – always about control rather than love, no matter what someone tells you. DMs are not usually blatant or presented directly, but often come in the form of seduction or as accusation. They’re structured so that the Receiver is deliberately conned into believe there’s no solution, & so no escape from the trap. We can also play this game with ourselves, & ACoAs often do.

✦ In most cases, Receivers who are vulnerable to Senders’ DMs are not likely to know a way to side-step or challenge the game, because they are:
• children, who are -of course- dependent on their caretakers & don’t stand a chance when subjected to a manipulative parent
• oblivious: any adult raised by such a parent, therefore pre-conditioned

•‘normal’ people who are too idealistic & naive, assuming no one would wish them harm (like themselves), especially if the S starts out by being ‘so nice & helpful’
• adults conditioned by their society, religion &/or family to accept whatever an ‘authority’ tells them, without question — not allowed to think for themselves, or to think clearly, no matter how natively intelligent

SPEAKING OF GAMES (see Part 3), these 2 posts are a slight digression from the topic of DMs & DBs, but so striking that it’s worth including. The following examples may or may not be a part of some DBs, but they’re cruel, the same way DBs are. This is by fall inot DBno means complete, so add your own family’s dysfunctional games as you become aware of them.

DEF of GAMES, from Eric Berne’s “Games People Play“:
“A pre-set, structured series of social transactions, superficially plausible but with (selfish or destructive) hidden motives, leading to a well-defined predictable outcome.”
Games are usually dysfunctional, subconscious programs created by the Little Professor ego state (& scroll down), to gather ‘strokes’ not allowed directly – negative ways to emotionally feed the Self. As far as the WIC is concerned, even negative strokes are better than none at all

NOTE: Some games are for fun & generally harmless, like a flirting ritual used to cajole someone into bed – as long as both people understand the rules & agree to the outcome.

HARMFUL mind GAMES – article by Brenda Nelson, 2008.
These are examples of abusive emotional TRICKS played by parents on their children, and on each other! They insure not being able to form strong family bonds, generating a lack of trust in the children, who will NOT look back on them fondly.

🦨 When You’re Older / Maybe for Your Birthday / Wait ‘til Christmas
This game starts any time a child asks for something (a doll, a bike, a trip, a car…. ) which the parent has no intention of providing. While sometimes asking a child to wait is legitimate, most often it’s just a cowardly & dishonest way for a parent to avoid saying ‘NO’ outright.
What unhealthy adults don’t realize is that children will always hear these phrases as a promise : “Yes, but later”.
What’s really going on is that the parent hopes the child will forget, but of course they don’t – they just wait. What children also never forget is the broken promise, but which is in fact being lied to & conned

🦨 Your Mother / Father Said
When parent A tells parent B to make the child to do something, & makes B be the messenger: “Your mother said you have to clean your room  pronto / Your father wants you to mow the lawn, right now……”. This is chickening out by both adults, a triangulation (A should have told the child him/herself), and
B can make A seem like the bully (bad cop), while staying the ‘nice’ one (good cop).

NEXT:  Styles of DMs, Part 4b

Double MESSAGES – Procedure (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

talk / no
PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 2

BOOK: “Double Bind: The Foundation of the communicational approach to the family.” 1976, Gregory Bateson


HOW it WORKs (R = Receiver / S = Sender)
1. The D. Messages (DMs) <—> D. Binds (DBs) game is with 2 or more – a victim & someone the victim experiences as their ‘superior’.

a. When the DB is from government, media, religion…..  for it to be effective – the target audience must be willing to ignore logical reasoning, want to be ‘taken care of’, & assumes the authority is benevolent (which the Ss always say they are), so that the Rs accept whatever is being promoted

b. On a one-to-one basis, Rs must be involved in an intense, personal & deeply needed relationship, where they feel it’s absolutely vital to clearly & accurately understand what the S wants / needs of them, in order to respond appropriately (keep the connection)

2. The game is a repeated experience, not a single event.
The R is therefore trapped with a S who continually gives two different ‘orders of message’, each of which cancels the other one out
> Yet both ‘rules’ must be obeyed. Punishment is always a possibility, & can be : the cold-shoulder, withdrawal of affection, physical abuse, verbal attacks (hate & anger), physical neglect or outright abandonment…..
SET UP:
a. Primary Injunction is imposed on the victim:
> “Learn all your lessons, or I’ll punish you” – AND
> “Don’t act smart, or I’ll punish you”

b. Secondary Injunction, which conflicts with the first, is at a more abstract level, & doesn’t have to be spoken
EXP: “You must do X (because I asked), but only because you want to (please me)”

c. Tertiary injunction – often added to prevent escape. R registers the second-level demands hinted at by posture & tone, also enforced by indirect threats to Rs’ survival OR actual punishment.
They are META-messages = DO NOT:
overruled🔻 notice or comment on the discrepancy between how I present myself or my claim to be a good person AND the many ways I continually neglect or abuse you
🔻 question my intentions NOR the unfairness of this situation
🔻 object or try to evade my threats & punishments
🔻 try to get away from or out of the bind I’ve put you in

EXP: Out loud, Mother says “I love you,” but body language (stiffness if hugged) says, “I don’t love you.”  The boy responds by withdrawing. She then blames him for causing a ‘rupture’ in their relationship. He can’t win! When often repeated:
INTERNALLY
= he learns to distrust his experience & thoughts, forced into a psychological split – the conviction that she’s all-good (believing her words) & he’s all-bad for withdrawing (S-H, based on her subliminal message + her accusation)
EXTERNALLY
= it’s hard for him to communicate effectively, nor understand what other people really mean or believe what they say

THEN: Once the META-messages become ingrained, the smallest signal will trigger the pre-set response from a R (like Pavlov’s dog), who will go to great lengths to be ‘good’ & not make the S angry.

The R may beg & cry, promising to do better or to do something ‘grand’ but impossible – like being perfect all the time. They dramatically change how they act, trying different styles of behavior, to see which will work to satisfy the perpetrator (S).

• The R may eventually withdraw, stop functioning at all or try to commit suicide, implying: “You disapprove of me the way I am. Maybe you’ll finally be satisfied when I’m dead!”
Actually, in very dysfunctional families, that’s one of the literal or hidden statements some parents make: “Why did I have to have a kid like you? I never wanted kids in the first place. You’ll be the death of me yet.”……

UNFORTUNATELY, none of the R’s tactics will ever make any difference. The game is rigged – designed for the R to fail but to keep trying. No wonder so many ACoAs think they’re mentally imbalanced, AND wish they were dead!

♥ About ACoAs: DMs, Part 8a & b

NEXT: DMs – Purpose (Part 4)

Double MESSAGES – Senders / Receivers (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-09-21 at 12.03.59 PM
I CAN MAKE YOU DO
what ever I want!               

PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 1

SITE: “Double Bind Theory: Still crazy-making
after all these years”

SENDERS (Ss) are adults with some type of ‘power status’ in a relationship, the one-up position, assumed or legitimate, FROM:
• Parent to child
• Boss to worker
• Male to female
• Teacher to student
• Dominant to subordinate lover / spouse / friend
• Mother-in-Law to son’s wife
• Cop to perp, Politician to The People….

✦ While most Ss are not conscious of what they’re doing, there are some who deliberately use this tactic to capture others : savvy business people, clever criminals, some religions, & those trained in high-powered sales, advertising, the military, media & government.
Confronting these Ss is either impossible or dangerous, so it’s best to avoid them when we can.

✦ Double Messages (DM) are a favorite way abusers control their victims (Receivers – Rs). Yet Senders False Selfrarely know they’re being ruled by a false self. Nor would they admit that they’re desperately lonely, even when not alone, yet terrified of genuine intimacy, & prone to creating drama wherever they are

• The much-used defense against their anxiety & vulnerability is to have as much power & control as possible, a life-long struggle for dominance – which can only provide a false sense of security.

• The S’s armor is the absolute conviction that all their actions are ‘for the good of others’ – so they’re never in the wrong! To maintain this self-created illusion they rely on blaming & shaming others.
This deflects any responsibility for their emotions or actions, making it clear that everyone else is ‘bad’ – except them, of course. Their private logic says that -naturally- anyone who opposes them is ‘against what is good’, & thus ‘deserves whatever they get’, justifying the S’s cruelty.

RECEIVERS (Rs)
DM ReceiverIn this destructive Game (see Part 3) the Receiver is anyone who gets caught – Senders can only get away with the psychological/ emotional mess they try to create if someone is vulnerable to this type of communication.

Being the Dominant One in every situation is definitely in the S’s mind, although the intended ‘target’ does not usually agree, which including those who may not be able to overtly stand up to the S, such as workers who need to keep their job.

IMP: In any social interaction, whoever reacts less has more power, explained in detail in “The Givers & the Takers”.
Reacting is an expression of investment or compliance – which humans only do with people & things we value. Rs are by definition reactors, so are automatically in the one-down position, always wanting to ‘please’, even if the other person is a complete stranger.

This is obvious with co-dependent ACoAs who have been conditioned to be afraid of displeasing anyone, consciously or not.
One can understand giving in to a loved one, but what kind of investment would an ACoA have in a stranger?
Well, the WIC is terrified of abandonment & needs everyone to accept & approve of it, no matter who it is, or whatever the personal cost. Although not everyone we deal with will take advantage, this fear automatically makes us fair game for manipulators.

✦ So no matter how smart, educated, creative, thoughtful Rs are, by reacting they fall into the S’s frame by slanting the communication, who is then in control (Framing in DBs, Part 2)

EXP: At a pick-up place a guy wants to get lucky, so he approaches a pretty girl: “You know what? I have an instinct about you – a part of you is very sweet & innocent, and a part is a real pain-in-the-ass trouble maker. I bet I’m going to bring out the devil in you!” She not only shyly agrees to both versions, but is flattered & titillated, which = being seduced.

Because the girl reacts (positively) to the frame he has set up, the guy now has the power, therefore the higher value, therefore he ‘wins’.  Boy 1 – Double-Binded Girl 0!

♥ About ACoAs: DMs, Part 7a & b

NEXT: DMs, #3

Double MESSAGES – Basics (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confusion  

YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Make up your mind – which do you want??

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 2)

SITEs:  Types of ambiguity

“The Double Bind: Intimate Tie Between Behavior & Communication”

Let’s start by looking at the basic way we process information.
CHART 1 is the Input-outgo loop everyone has. Our heredity, plus the type of beliefs, experiences, rules & personal preferences in each component part of us – determines how we understand & process incoming experiences, which then indicates our responses.

 CHART 2 is the Normal communication process with others. Here each person is doing what is shown in Chart #1.


DOUBLE MESSAGES, on the other hand, are not-normal (unhealthy /sadistic) ways to transmit ideas, which always end badly for the one trying to decode the message being sent.
(‘How it works’ in Part 3).

● Double Messages (DM) are used by a controlling Sender (S) <—> to enslave a vulnerable Receiver (R), who is then caught in a Double Bind (DB). Enslaved?? Yes, whether deliberate or not!

BTW: a DM is not just repeating something twice!!, nor….getting differing opinions or answers from the same source…. nor trying to figure out what someone wants or means when they don’t know themselves

EXP of Double Message
A: Damaged parent to child “(Of course) I love you”.
Implied: “See how much I do for you, aren’t I a good mother/ father? I need you, so don’t ever leave me, or be mad, or expect me to…. right? (child has to agree)”  – AND

B: Same Parent “(I’m trying to hide that) I don’t love you in a healthy way”.  (child has to ignore)
Implied by being continually judgmental & dissatisfied with child = “Don’t bother me, I’m always annoyed by you & your needs, you never do anything right / what I want / the way I want, you’re such a pain, get away from me!”)
opposite laws
C. ALSO – implied on the meta-level:
“If you point out or object to part B I’ll deny it, say you’re crazy or ungrateful & expect you to carry on as if you didn’t notice the contradiction.
Keep trying to please me even though I’ll never be satisfied, because you’ll sink (die) without me!”   OUCH!!

✤ Many ACoAs grew up in an atmosphere of this DM – & others – created by our family (DMs Part 2 – Form 3), which left us with a deep sense of futility & powerlessness about most things, especially of ever getting our needs met.
Now we live in a world of DBs, finding others who also do that to us, but even worse – it’s what we do to ourselves (most common one in DMs Part 5).

🦠 Double Messages create Double Binds, a ruthless way of forging invisible bondage based on fear of abandonment, which can only be completely effective when used against the immature or the already wounded.
DBs ultimately cause paralysis by trapping someone between the natural human wish to get away from bad things – like punishment, & go towards good things – like approval (aversion & desire).

• As shown in DMs Part 4 – Style 3, a threat delivered with a smile is still a threat, causing confusion. When confronted with a threat, we want to run away, but – ikey to DMsf the threat is combined with a smile, even a mock-smile, we may not know what to do.  Deer in the headlights?

• The KEY to figuring out DMs is that the same subject matter is being presented from opposite sides, AS IF both are true, at the same time!
EXP: I love you when you sing (show off)  / I hate you when you show off (sing)
NOTE: The main difference between DMs (from speaker / sender) & DBs (in listener / receiver) is = who holds all the power in this kind of relationship, which is always the Sender.
Otherwise the descriptions & procedures are the same – it’s only a matter of perspective. Also – it’s not correct to say “A DB is a mixed message that….”. Instead, a DB is the result of a mixed message that puts someone in a no-win situation.

NEXT: Double Binds (Part 2)

2013 ACoA Blog STATS – WordPress Review

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help ,

Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 4.28.52 AM

HAPPY NEW YEAR from

Donna  M Torbico


Thank you for making 2013 another successful blogging year.     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

world stats

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20 MOST READ TOPICS of 2013  / VIEWS
1.  Lost Child Role                                         5,789
2.  Scapegoat Role                                         3,432
3.  Hero Role                                                   2,425
4.  Boundaries  list (#1)                                1,712
5.  Mascot Role                                               1,423
6.  Placater Role                                             1,355
7.  Toxic Family RULES                                   731
8.  Boundaries List (#2)                                   668
9. Character Traits & Con                               628
10. Lack of Trust #1)                                        476
11. Why are you stuck?                                   376
12. Safe & Unsafe People                                362
13. Setting + Boundaries (#1)                         316
14. Roles & Co-dependence                            301
15. Toxic Family ROLES                                   263
16. Separation & Indiv. (#1)                           259
17. ACoAs & Self-esteem – NOT                    247
18. Passive-aggressive ACoAs                        246
19. How ACoAs Abandon others                   243
20. Satir’s Blamer Role                                    238

KEEP READING & KEEP GROWING!

ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , ,

rebulding trust
TRUST STARTS WITH ME –
but I have a right to reciprocation

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 1)

 

1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS

2. BEING the Trust VIOLATOR
These suggestions apply mainly to being in a ‘commuted’ love unit, but can also be used re. family members & close friends.
If both people want to stay connected AND you’re willing to face your misconduct —
broken-hearta. in GENEAL (re. friends, work…. ) – if the problem is that you were neglectful, manipulated, said cruel things, didn’t keep promises, stole, lied, threatened, hit ….. THEN identify the behavior & stop doing it immediately
• be sincere – your victim is closely scrutinizing your motives & intentions

b. in an INTIMATE relationship – if you were unfaithful – cut off all connection to the “other” person
• take responsibility for your actions – don’t blame anyone else or make excuses
• provide an honest apology & a thorough account of what really happened – and if possible the why of your actionspromise keeper

• do not expect instant forgiveness & reinstatement, especially if you’ve been disloyal, untruthful & undependable before
• take immediate action to restore the rift between you & the other person, including listening to & validating their emotional pain & outrage, which you caused

• know you’re likely to be on probation, but if the relationship is important to you, commit to behaving in an upstanding way & then work at keeping your promise
• restate or change your shared goals & interests you can both build on
• be able to sustain good behavior over the long haul
• be willing to get professional help (individual & couples), go to AA, Al-Anon, pray for healing of underlying damage……

😻 BUILDING Trust in an Intimate relationship
✤  Be Authentic – uncover & live in your True Self which included the Natural Child ego state, which includes all talents, attitudes, tastes, genetic tendencies, learning styles, personality type…. as well as basic weaknesses

✤ Keep your Word – Realistically, do what you say you’re going to do, SO don’t promise anything you can’t / don’t want to do
✤ Be Transparent – nothing hidden (text messages, websites, finances … & no stockpiling unexpressed emotions

✤ Don’t Lie – neither blatant lies, nor letting the other person believe something that’s not true
✤ Confess Promptly (see 3 posts re. AA’s 10th Step).
No one can be perfect. Instead of letting problems fester, quickly & appropriately admit omissions, lies & mistakes (0000)

😰 BOTH : To HEAL
🔺 Know the Details –  Violator gives their side of the event, to provide you with a broader perspective : What, when, where? What may have contributed to this situation? Are there mitigating circumstances?

🔺 Release Anger – Betrayed person (you) need to acknowledge anger, & use healthy ways of getting it out. The offender too needs to express resentment & anger harbored from before

🔺 Commitment – Both parties need to define what’s required to stay committed, IF they want to keep the relationship
🔺 Rebuild Trust & the Relationship  – see below  (MORE….)

QUALITIES of any GOOD Relationship – BEING:
• Approachable – willing to listen & when necessary, be able to handle things you may find hard to hear.
• Appreciative – don’t take each other for granted & be realistic. Say ‘thank you’ when deserved & give compliments when appropriate & sincere  (showing Love)

• Caring & Kind – Don’t stop saying “I love you”. Find ways to be thoughtful, considering the other person’s tastes & preferences.(5 Love Languages)couples love
When angry, state your Es in a way that will do the least emotional damage.  You’re more likely to be heard, &  prevents a buildup of resentments in the other

• Fun to be around – a sense of humor is always welcome. Plan enjoyable things to do together that are relaxing & entertaining. Have your own interests as well, so you have something new to contribute
• Helpful – approach problems together. Combine the best skills & natural talents of each to solve life’s difficulties, creating a greater sense of unity & strength

• Positive – think confidently about yourself (but arrogant), & treat the other from the same point of view. Start from the assumption that you both have the possibility of growth & happiness, without overlooking limitations & flaws

communicate• Respectful – appreciate & value your differences, as well as enjoying your similarities. Don’t try to change the other, but be clear about what you need, & would like to see improved in the relationship
• Trustworthy – see post. Be consistent!
• Understanding – encourage open communication of needs, opinions & emotions

NEXT: Double Messages – Basics #2

ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

backstabbed
IT’S HARD TO LET GO
when I’ve been disrespected

PREVIOUS: Being Trustworthy

QUOTE: “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” ˜˜George MacDonald, Scottish novelist

1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS
Because ACoAs have been let down again & again by our family, as adults we continue the pattern of feeling unsupported:

1. BY assuming we have an understanding with a friend, lover, boss…. that they will treat us with respect & reliability – without actually talking to them about our needs & hopes, nor getting an agreement from them!

• We expect people to be able to read our minds – the way a small child legitimately needs their parents to be able to do – showing that we’re still functioning emotionally from the WIC

• So when someone doesn’t come thru for us the way we expect (but unsaid by either party) we feel betrayed .
BUT what has actually been betrayed are our own hopes, illusions, fantasy & assumptions about the other person!  In these cases others have not betrayed us, since they did not make the commitment we imagined, whether emotional, physical, financial or verbal

2. BY keeping people in our life who DO continually disappoint, while longing to be with someone we can truly depend on.  To change who we choose we need to continually work on S & I

• When we catch someone actually messing up, they can react several ways: apologize insincerely, make excuses, withdraw or attack us.

These tactics are meant to deflect responsibility from themself
, while underneath they may be:
• puzzled as to what they did wrong, because they’re shut down (Es) & in deep denial (Ts) about their character defects, so they can’t change what they don’t understand
• indifferent, insensitive, narcissistic – don’t care about you
• may feel self-hate, shame, guilt, fear, anger, but can’t own them, so they need defenses (character defects) as protection

There are MANY WAYS to be betrayed, and not just by a cheating spouse or lover.  Itstay or go can be by paid professionals, family members, friends, colleagues, bosses or clergy
•  If you’ve been hurt on many occasions by someone you believed in, you have to decide if you can continue, or need to end the association.
Choosing between the 2 is rarely easy or fast, but in most cases leaving is ultimately the best for your PMES health – if possible. At the very least you can put some distance by using healthy boundaries.

• If you want to continue the relationship (or not), you need to & have a right to ask for a ‘talk’ to clear the air, but they may not be able or willing.
You can’t force someone to admit to flaws in the way they treat you, nor change the way they act, no matter how hard you try!

🧩 STAYING with a VIOLATOR
As the Violated person, you need to:
• identify & deal with painful emotions of betrayal (shock, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear…) – instead of excusing the other by minimizing their bad behavior, the practical consequences & emotional distress

• ask for total transparency – no more lying or double-dealing. They need to be forthcoming without always being prodded
• going forward, believe the person’s actions not their words

• adjust your expectations to what’s actually possible in this situation. Evaluating unrealistic hopes or demands you have of the other person
• be respectful, positive & kind (not punishing or vengeful), but stay awake

• look at yourself too, for any way you may have contributed to the problem.  You did not cause their behavior but may have helped create a climate which made it inevitable or too easy for them to acting out – including things you did NOT do or say

• decide if you can forgive. This does not mean white-washing or overlooking bad behavior. Work to understand the reasons behind it & having some compassion for their weaknesses – knowing the choices made are from their WIC. But the actions are unacceptable, so letting go of hurt may take time

NEXT: Rebuilding Trust (Part 2)

Being TRUSTWORTHY

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

being reliable
TRUST ALWAYS STARTS WITH ME –
by honoring my awareness & knowledge

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting (Part 2)

QUOTES: “One who does not act in accordance to the deep voice of his inner conscience can not be honest, truthful, trustworthy, loyal & faithful to anyone.”  ~ Anuj Somany, Indian Poet & Civil Engineer

“A relationship without Trust is like a car with our fuel – it can not move ahead.”∟ Invaji

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

TRUSTWORTHINESS
DEF: Being consistent in what you say & do – the same at work, at home & everywhere else. You don’t pretend to be someone else – you are accountable, reliable, responsible & resourceful. “Consistency reinforces trust.

We first need to be reliable toward our Inner Children. Then we’ll express that quality with others, which gives ACoAs the sense of empowerment we say we want. With an inner assurance & positive outer experiences, it reduces anxiety in ourself & the people we deal with.
Trustworthiness is based on a combination of our natural Personality, shared Values, Skills, Integrity & Good-will – which applies to all types of relationships.

BEING T. requires that WE:
• have mostly stopped obeying the Bad Parent voice & all it’s Toxic Beliefs
• are not driven by Self-Hate
• no longer have to lie in order to hide ourself (from the  ACoA Laundry List )
• be much less afraid of abandonment, so can take reasonable risks
WE:
• have burned off enough rage so we don’t have to take it out on others, no matter how subtly
• don’t need to compel anyone to stay with us, to insist others see us, to prove ourselves….
• are able to hear our own ‘still small voice’ & act on it
• know what our rights, skills & talents are, & not afraid to use them

POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS
Psychological – BE:
• first & foremost honest with yourself, based on self-esteem
• able to resist temptations to hurt others for your benefit
• fair in all your interactions – treat others as you want to be treated
• respectful of people’s point of view, even when you deeply disagree
UNIT in chargeBE:
• concerned for others as individuals who have their own path in life (not ours). It gives insight into why people do things or are the way they are
• empathetic with others’ difficulties whenever possible, without taking care of or fixing them
• sympathetic with others’ humanity – allow for faults & mistakes
• able to communicate accurately, openly & transparently (not manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, controlling, sullen or using CDs)

Practical – BE:
• dependable, keep your word, follow thru – within reason. Don’t over-commit, try to impress or promise things you can’t deliver or have no control over
• competent and efficient  – not perfect
• consistent and predictable – not controlling or rigid
BE:
• able to keep other people’s secrets & personal information to yourselfgood communiaction
• faithful & loyal to those who’ve earned your trust
• defend or protect others whenever possible
BE:
• able to listen carefully, with an open mind, without losing yourself
• willing to talk about what you personally know or have experienced, rather than spouting facts, exaggerating or being boastful
AND:
• defend or protect others whenever possible
• ask others about what they know & how they feel – do not be arrogant, superior, narcissistic
• share control, when appropriate, encouraging co-operation & allowing yourself to be supported

BENEFITS of being Trustworthy
happy kidRe. US
• We feel good about ourselves, have self-respect & can hold our head high in any situation
HINT: A happy Inner Child makes for a happy Adult!
• It represents good character (requires doing the ‘right’ thing even when it’s costly or risky), which allows us to build a good reputation
• We find & enjoy abundance in any area of life, & connect with others in our search for a satisfying existence

Re. OTHERSfrindly biz wmn
• Being authentic makes us stand out & become known for integrity
• It makes people want to be around us
• Others like dealing with us professionally, are pleased to see us socially & generally feel comfortable around us
• It makes it easier to get others to cooperate on projects & events
• It contributes to making our community & the world a better place

NEXT: ACoAs Rebuilding Trust – #1