PREVIOUS: Resilience – Thinking  #1

SITE: “Basic differences between Optimists, Pessimists & Realists”

MENTAL RESILIENCE (cont)
Being mentally resilient gives us ‘response flexibility’ – the ability to pause > step back > reflect > shift perspectives > create options > & choose wisely.  Psychologist Linda Graham calls this process ‘de-centering’ – a way to not get lost in the moment. Then we can observe the experience from a neutral standpoint, & try to solve the problem – using appropriate thinking, instead of acting on impulse.

As a starting point for this ability – think about a child when very upset – just crying, pouting or raging. An attentive, caring parent could say “Use your words! Tell me what’s bothering you. What hurts? ! ”
Once the child is old enough to form thoughts & has a basic knowledge of emotion words – this can be very beneficial.
Taking a breath & the time to identify feelings & thoughts effectively switches the brain from the emotional narrative side (Right) to the observational, thinking side (Left).
This is not to deny or suppress the child’s upset, but rather it will teach them to find balance, which  promotes resilience.

“Living well is the best revenge” includes keeping a realistic sense of optimism, by accurate & flexible thinking in each situation. Reframing how we think about stressful events & correcting any cognitive distortion helps make hard times turn out better, in spite of unfair & undeserved suffering.

Dr. Martin Seligman put together the ABC model of “Learned Optimism“:
“Beliefs (B) about an adversity (A) – not the adversity itself – cause the consequent (C) feelings. (see Post)
This means that external events do not automatically cause our Emotions – since what bothers one person is neutral to another. Actually, Reactive Emos come from what we think about painful events – which can be modified or changed. (More…..)

All forms of resilience require a certain level of maturity. Most of us are some combination of the following categories (Least to Most ‘psychologically/ spiritually’ mature) & we can even switch between them during the day.

OPPORTUNISTS – are very adaptable, seeing possibilities everywhere they can take advantage of, with little regard to how it affects others (think Quark of DS9)

PESSIMISTS – are either ‘addicted’ to a deprivation mentality, or skeptical worriers who need proof that something’s safe before they agree with an idea, take on a task, a relationship, a new way of life….

REALISTS – are independent, practical-minded & excellent problem-solvers. They see things as they are, without sugar-coating

OPTIMISTS – generally look on the brightest side, appreciating every little thing, & tend not to ‘understand’ anyone who’s depressed & negative (think Goldie Hawn or Jenna Elfman – in their early yrs)

IDEALISTS – look for things that have deeper meanings, working to form genuine relationships. They have a bright outlook on the future, but aren’t always realistic. Helping & seeing others succeed brings them joy.

NOTE: What the top cartoon ↖️ does not include is that when Optimists are punched by life – they get up again & move on!
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Pessimism  (P) & Optimism (O) on the brain
Neuro-scientists studying Ps & Os (with college students in the West) noticed that several parts of the brain (IFG=inferior frontal gyrus, the amygdala & anterior cingulate cortex) were activated differently when subjects were shown negative, neutral or positive images.
One result seen in these 2 scans:
a. When you ‘find out the world is better than you thought’ = updating beliefs in a positive direction,  the brain showed increased activity in the left IFG.
b. When ‘finding out the world is worse than you thought’ = updating beliefs in a negative direction, pessimists’ brains showed significant decreased activation in the right IFG.  The worse the participant’s mood (from a questionnaire), the higher the activation in that area.

Comparing Ps & Os, when using updated beliefs in a negative direction, both groups showed some activation in the right IFG, & but the pessimists had significantly less reaction in their left IFG than optimists.
Several other studies have also tied activation in the right IFG to pessimistic thinking.

Neurotransmitter systems also can differentiate Ps from Os. Sufficient Dopamine seems important in maintaining the positive bias, & low Serotonin has been implicated in the negative bias. (MORE….)

BTW – correcting chemical imbalances is the reason for taking meds – although not everyone can take them safely.

NEXT: Resilience – Emotions #1

PREVIOUS: Social 

SITE: RESILIENCE 101….  re. thinking

MENTAL RESILIENCE
💛 What we think – how we talk to ourselves – affects the quality of every part of our life. Research show that the #1 roadblock to resilience (R). is not genetics or past difficulties, but negative thinking (as adults). Our 5 senses always take in much more info than the brain can process easily or quickly. So to cope, it creates mental shortcuts (mostly unconscious), to simplify & make sense of it all, especially when under stress. Unfortunately this can backfire, often trapping us into making assumptions & jumping to conclusions.

When trying to figure out what went wrong, we wonder:
• Who caused the problem? (me / not me)
• How long will it last? (always / not always)
• How much of my life does it affect? (all / not all)
ACAs usually answer these Qs based on childhood damage rather than current or universal reality – even for the slightest frustration or annoyance, like not being able to find something at home, much less the big hurts …  we think (from the WIC ) : Who = me , How long = always , How much = all of it!
✥ No wonder we procrastinate & feel hopeless! Note how they fit the ‘Pessimist’ column in ‘Thinking Part 2‘

Instead, being able to handle stressors well is built on positive beliefs – about ourself & the world. Facing difficulties & disappointments takes courage & learning from them, sticking to goals, being creative – to use as future reference – to not get trapped in ‘victim mentality’.
And that starts with our inner dialogue – how kindly, respectfully we talk to ourself.
What are some of your negative labels that can be changed into legitimate positives? ⬅️
➖ ➖ In a desperate attempt to prevent feeling abandoned, many ACAs will keep chasing the wrong kind of people (unavailable, needy, narcissistic….who can’t connect) & in wrong ways (pushy, people-pleasing, controlling….) . This leads to constant disappointment, so we label ourself ‘stupid, undesirable, ugly, useless…..‘
➕ ➕ While our choice of relationships may need a radical shift, our drive to connect is actually very healthy. So we can legitimately say that, as “chasers”, we’re Courageous, Curious, Determined, Persevering, .…. With this cognitive correction we can travel on a new, positive path – to chase & catch the good things in life that fit our True Self!

💚 Post-traumatic growth (P-TG)
Traditional psychology equates thriving with R., which is: “reaching the previous level of functioning before a trauma”. However, in Recovery – thriving goes above & beyond R., to find the benefits within each challenge or trauma.
Q: How is it that some people – when they fall down – can get up even with a limp, dust themselves off & keep going, even improve, after a bad experience?
ANS: They have accumulated strong inner resources AND the right kind of external help.

We can find examples of P-TG in ancient spiritual traditions, literature, & philosophy. New studies of R. (‘benefit finding’) verify that after trauma – in spite of all their suffering – some people experience them as valuable life-changing events.
THEY:
•  are less triggered & have faster recovery time after future stressors occur
•  develop greater inner strength than they thought possible
• find unexpected possibilities open to them, & can tap into creativity
• rise to a new level of functioning, shaken out of routine or limitation
• have a new understanding of the world, & an appreciation for being alive
• have more emotional intimacy with loved ones & gain deeper spirituality

Mentally resilient people will look at any problem or difficulty & ask, ‘What are some possible solutions? , What action is most useful? , What are my available choices?, What do I need to change or improve?…..’
They see painful events as a chance to problem-solve & learn something from them – which builds confidence. They develop the habit of moving thru the pain instead of running from it,  preventing bitterness & resentments.

It makes them winners, no matter how limited their real-life options may be, because they’re happier – which is better for them & everyone around them. Realistic optimists don’t do drama. Without being in denial about the level of difficulty they face, they experience every situation in its proper proportion. For winners there are no ‘unbearable’ events. They just build their castles out of every stone life throws at them!
And they say YES to any & all good things that come their way.

NEXT: Resilience – Thinking #2

PREVIOUS: Resilience – HUMOR

SITE: Resiliency LINKS

SOCIAL CONNECTIONS
• Social support’s value depends on how well a person can – rely on or turn to – others for ‘presence‘, advice or encouragement.

🙂 Positive relationships: Scientific studies show they form the external nourishment that creates the inner resources to soften harmful reaction to stress, & increases overall well-being.
For P-TG (post-trauma recovery) to be successful, people who are over-stressed need to receive & take in the benefits of social support. Resilience does not develope by suffering in isolation, but rather by surrounding oneself with the right kind of friends – & any family members with enough mental health to be encouraging companions.

Finding one or more communities (12-Step, MeetUp.com, spiritual, intellectual, political….) – with its variety of personalities – can help by sharing one’s burdens, as well as seeing one’s own troubles from new perspectives.
Groups provide a sense of connection that reduces loneliness, & can become healthy role models (not co-dep or symbiotic) to encourage a genuine sense of worth that was never received from one’s family.
EXP:  After 9/11, New Yorkers who used a variety of emotional supports had a faster recovery, with fewer PTSD symptoms.

😌 Cooperativeness – DEF: “behavior that benefits the group rather than the individual, which ultimately benefits the individual”- opposite of competitiveness.
It’s the ability to connect with others with sympathy or empathy, rather than being emotionally insensitive. It’s evaluated in terms of how – forgiving, helpful, principled & tolerant – someone is. Helthy cooperative people (not co-deps) are able to accept, even empathize with another’s point of view or behavior, even when those are unhealthy or contrary to their own.  When there are conflicts, ‘centered’ people don’t lose sight of their own principles while working out solutions to get the best results for everyone. In terms of resiliency, when we cooperate we’re less stuck in our pain

😇 Acts of Kindness: Giving a moment of oneself to others is tied to P-TG resilience. Acts of altruism decrease stress & encourages the giver’s mental health. Volunteering has been found to increase self-worth & the sense of efficacy, adding meaning & purpose. (“I have an effect on my world, I matter, I can make a difference”)

Studies have found that the beneficial effects of serotonin (the ‘happiness & comfort’ neuro-transmitter) increases in people who have just engaged in an act of kindness.
This chemical boost is cumulative. Adding generous actions to one’s life – consistent or periodic – increases serotonin’s benefits exponentially, so that in times of difficulty there is a well of resiliency to draw from.

Psychologists named the euphoria of generosity ‘helpers high’, which has been backed by neuroscience. “Giving” produces endorphins in the brain that makes us feel good, in the same area as when we get a reward or experience other pleasures.

🥲 Purpose & Meaning: Any adult experiencing severe trauma can have their inner foundation shaken, but even more so for those with wounded backgrounds. New painful events can re-traumatize ACAs, increasing self-doubt & fear about their future in an unsafe world. We all want to make sense of bad things, but that’s not always possible. Even so, we need to have a purpose to our own life, no matter the circumstances.

Finding hope can be hard in times of extreme stress, but hope is exactly what fuels resilience. Hope empowers & motivates people to believe in the possibility of a manageable, if not a brighter, future – seeing it as worth participating in.
BUT it must be based in what’s possible. EXP: Hope that a battering mate will wake up one day & become kind – is not hope – it’s denial!

When hope is realistic, acting-as-if can actually create the energy & drive needed to keep going, generating more hope in the process. Hope fuels our capacity to:
1. dream up goals/ plans
2. create specific strategies for accomplishing them
3. generate & sustain the momentum to carrying them out

T.E.A. Those who have enough resilience can help (A) others in the aftermath of traumatic events (but not ‘rescue’). One person’s support can be crucial in developing another’s resilience. It can encourage the distressed person to build P-TG by increase their optimism, positive emotions (E), & self-esteem. When they come to believe (T) in their ability to overcome difficulties & losses, they end up better adjusted.

NEXT: Resilience – Thinking #1

PREVIOUS: Resilience – Individual, #2

SITEs:   Creating Resilience thru Humor

• Building Resiliency in Children Through Humor

HUMOR
Being able to laugh is a very important ability, which represents intelligence, imagination & emotional release – all part of resilience. It’s so important that Alice Miller (“For Your Own Good” & other books) observed that murderers & other psychopaths do not have the capacity for humor – needed as a release valve for anger & frustration – so they take their rage out on others instead.

People under duress who can use humor to cope are much more resilient. Norman Cousins used the Marx Bothers movies to help heal his illness (along with Vit C). With humor, people suffering bereavement, major illness, war…. experience less hopelessness & depression. Those in a high-stress careers (like cops) will often make jokes in the face of tragedy & suffering, & the USO sends comedians to the front lines…..

Recent research says that humor requires a tremendous amount of brain power. “Getting a joke would seem, on the surface, to be an intuitive but trivial process. Instead, brain imaging shows that there’s more going on than we might think.” (Andrea Samson – Switzerland). .(More info)

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But unrecovered ACAs can have a hard time finding anything funny. After all, growing up in a very painful environment left little room for humor – unless it came in the form of cruel teasing or clever sarcasm, which was just passive-aggressive anger! There was nothing funny about the yelling, fighting, isolation, drunkenness, beatings, put-downs, mental illness…..

That’s why, as adults, we need to add some humor into every day –  being around people who are funny in good ways, finding the irony in daily events, watching stand-up, funny movies, comedies….

EXP: Comics like Robin Williams, Gabriel Iglesias or Jeff Dunham — but not like Sam Kinison, Andrew Dice Clay, Andy Kaufman.... Apologies to anyone who likes any of the last 3.
There may be an exception in Lewis Black – his anger makes sense about a lot of things, but especially if you’re into liberal political commentary.
Then there’s always Bill Engvall, or Ron White (the clever, sexy, overweight, blatant alcoholic 😀 – if you like that type 🤠)…..
And YES, there are lots of great women too, as in the “10 Greatest Female Comedians“.

Keep in mind that we are now the parent to our Inner Child/ Children – who still take in everything around them – ‘little pitchers have big ears‘ – so it’s up to us to protect them from PPT (people, places & things) that are too harsh or gross – given our WIC’s high anxiety level & many terrible experiences, even if our adult-self doesn’t mind.

Some people like ‘gallows humor’, because laughing at someone else’ misfortune makes them feel superior. Ugh! We got enough of that as kids !!
😨 And then there are the self-deprecating ACAs who continually make fun of themself AND demand that others be amused by it – as if it’s so clever.
EXP: Sheara once has a sponsee who did that, & when Sheara didn’t laugh, the young woman said “What’s the matter, don’t you have a sense of humor?” The sponsor’s response : “I don’t find self-hate funny!” 😂

Interesting: A study was done in the US with 201 adult twin pairs, to see if there might be a connection between ‘mental toughness’ & humor styles.
• Mental toughness = measure of a person’s resilience & confidence, that may predict success in sports, education & the workplace. Characteristics : Emotional Control, Control over life events, Confidence in Abilities, Interpersonal /Social Confidence…… (Qualities to develop it)
• Humor styles = 2 Positives (affiliative, self-enhancing) & 2 negatives (aggressive, self-defeating) (Descriptions)

Participants took assessment test on both factors. RESULTS: There was a Positive correlation between the positive humor styles and all but one of the mental toughness factors. Conversely, no correlations were found between any mental toughness factor & negative humor styles.
SO – the healthier a person’s mind, the less interest there is in negative-style humor!

When listening to humor or anything else – consider your emotions & physical sensations! Does it feel uplifting, are you happier, relaxed, relieved…. or uncomfortable, angry, grossed out…. You do not have to hate-listen/ hate-watch/ hate-read – anything, or stay anywhere that hurts.
Al-Anon teaches: “Go where it’s warm”!

NEXT: Resilience – Social

PREVIOUS: Resilience – individual #1

SITE: 25 Resiliency Affirmations   // IMAGE above

2. SELF-DIRECTEDNESS (Part 1)

3. FAILING & Resilience
The secret of very successful people is their ability to handle situations that don’t turn out well – somewhere along the way. Because they’re willing to risk trying, trying, trying – to achieve their goals – they can rack up a lot of rejection from others & /or failures from their own efforts.

EXPs : Thomas Edison, J.K. Rowling, Col. Sanders…..). A key factor in their success was that they put all their efforts into something they deeply believed in AND that was actually achievable. 

Rs use each disappointment as an opportunity to :
◎ figure out what went wrong (procedures, methods, their skill level, presentation….), & then make corrections  OR
◎ recognize their main task is to find the right person or venue for their product or skill.
They do not waste time second-guessing themself, beating themself up, wondering what’s wrong with them, trying to figure out what everyone else may want, or thinking the universe is against them!
The combination of objective learning & perseverance keeps them on track – & eventually they reach their goal. The bigger the risk, the bigger the payoff.

IMP: As recovering ACAs, we can make that shift in perspective – to accept  the need for process, which includes not knowing everything, sometimes making mistakes, cutting big jobs into bite size pieces, & never giving up.  This is so hard, because we may have done all that with / for our family – & never got anywhere.
★ But we didn’t actually fail, because our goal in childhood was impossible to achieve.
⭐︎ Perseverance is only useful if we push for what’s realistic. Part 3 of the Serenity Prayer says: “…and the wisdom to know the difference” – but we keep getting it backwards!

For perspective, try documenting (Excel?), every time you’ve been turned down, made a mess or missed the mark – when working on a project or toward a goal.
⭐︎ Then put it side by side with every success, every compliment, every paycheck! You may find your thinking shifts. Whatever you lack may not be as big or bad as you thought. You may have many more up-sides. Take that in!

4. PHYSICAL HEALTH & Resilience
We’ve all heard “Healthy body, healthy mind”. Body gurus insist that ‘to make healthy decisions in life, you have to lead a healthy (physical) life.’
Research suggests that as little as 10 minutes of exercise increases blood flow to the brain, & spending 20 minutes outside in nice weather leads to “more expansive, open thinking – a pro-resiliency mindset”.
Other studies say that time in nature helps combat anxiety & depression, improves immunity, & lowers inflammatory chemicals in the body. These are all true.

And it’s also true that long-term depression, environmental illness, severe dyslexia…. messes with our thinking & motivation, and auto-immune diseases require constant vigilance. But in many cases the right meds, location change, certain foods & supplements, Meetings & psychotherapy —-> improve well-being.

Yes, one component of “Inner Resources” is physical stamina. However, basing mental health (& resilience) primarily on physical functioning implies that if we don’t have a sound body, our mind will inevitably be – what??? confused, fuzzy, depressed, unfocused, a ‘mess’, weak…. ??? NO!
There are people everywhere with severe disabilities whose minds & hearts are not only resilient – but who soar!

• The obvious example is Stephen Hawking. He was diagnosed at 21 & was expected to die in 2 years, yet lived until age 76, continuing his work in spite of an extreme disability
• Consider how much Frida Kahlo accomplished, in spite of being in constant physical agony (polio & bus accident)
• And what about the elderly Christian lady who became permanently bedridden, & then spent all her time praying for other people, from requests sent to her from all over the US?

• There are children in cancer wards (often terminal) with better attitudes than most healthy people. And there are adults who have survived cancer treatment but have residual side-effect that debilitate, yet have a positive mental perspective
• And we’ve read about blind people who water-ski, bike ride, take pictures…. or have world-wide musical careers; or people with ALS, Down Syn…. or deafness – with successful acting careers….

These & many more are all people whose mental state in/was grounded solidly in a clear sense of themself & in positive beliefs. Their lives are/were not limited by their physical limitations.

NEXT: Resilience & Humor

PREVIOUS: Resilience – Personality

SITE: 12 Easy Ways to Build Your Resilience at Work

1. CHARACTER
Review: Resilience is all about being able to get thru life’s difficulties & then bounce back – either to a previous level, if that was acceptable – or to an internal & external upgrade, if needed (Post-Traumatic Growth).

As listed in ‘Resiliency – Traits‘, healthy internal resources are a foundation for thriving – in general,  but especially needed in times of stress – to solve problems or just to stay afloat. They include:
creativity, confidence, courage, gratitude, humor, kindness, optimism, persistence & spirituality.

2. SELF-DIRECTEDNESS
In “Resilience – Personality“, this trait is identified as crucial to successfully managing all sorts of problems. It means the person is their own motivator, not pushed around by other people’s needs & wishes. It’s the opposite of co-dependence, which comes from violation of our deepest values causes guilt, shame & anxiety.

✅  Being self-directed is only about adults. By definition, children are directed by others, but healthy parents teach them to develop this quality, so they can eventually function both autonomously & inter-dependently with others. This eliminates the need for the compulsive, constant “Harm-Avoidance” of most ACoAs.

Naturally, appropriate harm-avoidance is part of being resilient – the wisdom of staying away from PPT that drain energy & have little or nothing to give back. At the same time resilient people (Rs) do not assume everyone & everything are potentially ‘dangerous’ to their well-being. They trust their own observations & intuition to distinguish safe from unsafe.

PREPARED : In order to already have self-directedness, Rs would have had to grow up with a consistent sense of efficacy – the actual experience of having an effect on their environment (not just in fantasy), starting with parents.  As children, it meant that —
✧ they never needed to be in charge of drunks, siblings, the depressed, a dying relative, all the chores….. since these were not part of their family system
✧ they were not left to their own devices to figure things out without guidance or supervision

As children, in a healthy family  —
• It would mean THEIR needs were heard & provided, whenever possible – instead of having to ignore & suppress them.
• It would mean they were listened to when unhappy (comforted & validated), had a legitimate need ($ for school), a problem to be solved (a school bully), a passionate desire (for karate or piano lessons)…. without being ignored, shamed or punished.

• It would mean they were allowed to gradually figure out their own natural way of thinking, feeling & doing things – with age-appropriate boundaries, but without being forced into a mold that didn’t fit
• It would mean that the adults paid attention & responded well when the child objected to how they were being treated, or pushed in a direction that ‘isn’t me’
• It would mean the children were supported in exploring their own interests, as well as encouraged to expand their talents & dreams a little beyond their comfort

Adults with some or all of these early benefits became their own motivator, instead of having to rely on everyone else to tell them what to be & do – “a strong sense of ownership over their fate”. Self-directedness means having a gut-knowledge of their choices & actions, empowered to be the best they can in the circumstances, & so never need to see themselves as victims.

Self-Regulation (re. Actions)
Being in the driver’s seat of their life, self-focused Rs are strongly motivated, with concentration & effort – in both planning & execution. Having an ‘Internal Locus of Control’ means the ability to act in their own long-term best interest, consistent with their principles & beliefs. This is especially true when trying to master a skill – hopefully one that interests them a great deal. It would require being goal-oriented, responsible, reliable & resourceful.

✧ They’re able to focus attention on small tasks or big goals, without obsessing about what others think or want – while also taking into account possible consequences to self & others.
✧ They do not take responsibility for things out of their control, but manage to cope using available resources.
✧They do accept responsibility for their own problems, without self-judgement or blaming others, so they can learn from any mistakes, & then continue toward their end-point.
♥️ And they evaluate their progress or achievements realistically, valuing & enjoying the fruits of their talent & labor.

NEXT: Resilience – individual #2

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Resilience #2

SITE: Resilience in mental health
(psychology + neuro-biology)

QUOTE: “Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain.”
˜ Emil Dorian, Romanian poet & physician

❖ PROTECTION (cont)

Internal QUALITIES that BUILD Resilience
1. Competence = being skilled at practical & creative activities
2. Creativity = expresses oneself thru artistic activities, by imagination & creative thinking or other processes (new theories, scientific studies….)

3. Flexibility = can adjust to change, bend when necessary, & positively cope with situations
4. Humor = good sense of humor, can still laugh in difficult situations
5. Independence = can distance oneself from unhealthy people & situations. Has autonomy, able to get one’s own way when appropriate

6. Inner directedness = (locus of control) basing choices & decisions from personal evaluation – appropriate for oneself & the circumstances
7. Life skills = includes making good decisions, being assertive, having good impulse control
8. Love of learning = shows capacity for & interest in gathering a variety of info

9. Perceptiveness = has insight into & understanding of people & situations
10. Perseverance = keeps on in spite of difficulties, doesn’t give up
11. Positive view of personal future = is realistically optimistic, expects to achieve goal & dreams

12. Relationships = is sociable, able to form & maintain positive relationships & be a good friend
13. Self-motivation = actions come from internal initiative & positive self-motivation
14. Self-worth = has self-esteem & self-confidence

15. Service = helps others, but does not rescue or over-do
16. Spirituality = has personal faith in something greater than oneself
SOURCEs: Resiliency Workbook… & Resiliency in Action ~ Nan Henderson

When things are tough, we have 3 options:
1. We can ignore trouble & hope it goes away – by sticking our head in the sand, but with our butt exposed. Anyone who does that is vulnerable to being kicked from behind – when they least expect it! -OR-
2. We can face it head on & find a constructive way to deal with the situation – if at all possible. If something doesn’t work, we improve our strategy, & keep trying -OR-
3. When faced with impossible situations (getting an addict or co-dep into recovery, healing a terminal illness, getting our parent’s love & approval…. ), the only option left is to let go, turn it over to a Higher Power, & focus on improving our own life.

❖ POSITIVITY RATIO
For resilience to flourish, there has to be a balance of positive & negative experiences in our daily life. Research suggests that we regularly need at least a 3-to-1 ratio of ➕ to ➖ experiences – to deal with life’s ‘crap’, but especially to be optimally productive & to enjoy things. Our personal R-ratio identifies how well we can bounce back from disappointments, injury or failure. (from: “POSITIVITY“)

This means that : for every situation that causes us aggravating or heart-hurtful emotions, we need 3 or more heartfelt positive events that are encouraging & feel good. So – if you experience 5 painful things today, you’ll need 15 healing ones to counter them! Less than that – for too long – makes for misery. Prolonged stress or trauma has many negative effects, including depression, PTSD, medical illness & substance abuse.

⚠️ Built-in survival mechanisms in the brain make it naturally wired to pay more attention to negative events than positive ones.
🔆 For ACoAs who’ve lived mostly with bad ones – we need to up the ante – consistently adding many more positives to our life. A key to building R. comes from noticing, valuing & accepting good things whenever & wherever they occur. (balance CHARTS ↗)

Positive stokes can be big or little
• They can come from a hug, cuddling with kids, animals, & maybe a mate? 😍
• From a fun interaction with a friend, a smile or generous word from a stranger, being in a 12-Step meeting, or watching a TED talk
• An unexpected smile or gift, someone helping you carry groceries, or helping with the dishes, reading a great book or having a small dinner party…..
• It can also include someone listening to your troubles with empathy & understanding.

⛩ It’s anything you don’t have to earn or pay for, anything that warms you inside – even a little – or gives you a lift!

SITE: ‘Daily Good News that Inspires’ – many links

NEXT: Resilience #3

PREVIOUS: Resilience #2

SITE: “7 of Everything – Qualities of the Soul” 

ACoAs: As you read through all these lists of Resiliency characteristics & the background needed to provide them in the first place,
PLEASE remember to not use them to be discouraged or cause S-H.
Instead, let them be a road map to guide your growth.
The Recovery process gives us the opportunity to develop any that we’re weak in. We have survived, now let’s thrive!

RESILIENCE & TEMPERAMENT
A study with Australian family doctors examined the relationship between resilience (in R. & Traits) & personality, to identify the main qualities that promote or impair R. in relation to 7 characteristics.
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Researchers started from the idea that R. is a process influenced by each person’s combination of personal traits & their environment.
They found that Resilience is —
• • •  strongly associated with a high level of Self-directedness & low level Harm Avoidance
• • moderately correlated with high Persistence & high Cooperativeness
• not significantly correlated with Novelty Seeking, Reward Dependence & Self-Transcendence

IMP: The 2 most prominent beneficial traits are the complete opposite of how most ACoAs live. We function from:
🔺 High Harm-avoidance, spending much of our time & effort trying to avoid anything that could potentially cause an abandonment in any one of PMES ways – which includes suppressing our own emotions & needs
IRONY – we are also attracted to relationships which are harmful!
🔻 Low Self-directedness, which fuels our co-dependence, rather than being our own internal motivator.

PS : A recent study with a sample of Korean university students (Kim, Lee & Lee, 2013) examined the connection between Personality traits & Resilience. The most striking similarity to the Australian findings is that in both —> R. was strongly related to high Self-directedness, high Persistence, and low Harm Avoidance…..
And looking at male vs female differences, one surprise was that the Asian men in the sample were higher in Cooperativeness than the women, whereas in the West, it was the reverse. (CHART)
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Philosophical Questions
• Active vs Reactive : Do you mainly act from individual initiative OR usually from outside stimuli ?
• Freedom vs Determinism :  Do you have control over your own behavior OR  is it always caused by forces beyond your control?