I TRY & TRY, BUT
never seem to get anywhere
PREVIOUS: Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 1)
SITE: Factors leading to Co-dep
See ACRONYM page for abbrev.
INTERNAL High COST of angry-niceness (cont.)
✔︎ On the Outside – for all our effort, you still have your nose pressed against the window – looking in! You’re still lonely, whether isolating or filling your social calendar to overflowing. When you relate to other from the facade of being OK but are really not, no one can truly know you
✔︎ Regretful – getting lost in the ‘Wudda-shudda-cudda” forest of self-recrimination & hopelessness, yet another way to prevent yourself from making healthy changes to improve your life
✔︎ Resentful – you don’t like this about yourself, but you’re filled with resentments. It’s the rage about what you didn’t get as a kid, & the rage NOW at not getting what you silently expect/demand from others. They’re supposed to read your mind so you don’t have to ask. And, why don’t they appreciate & reciprocate all you’ve been doing for them?? ”Why does _____ keep ignoring me? Why hasn’t she/he texted back? What did they mean by that remark??”…..
✔︎ Risk-Averse – being so dependent on others to feel OK keeps you from testing yourself to too what you’re actually capable of OR –
You can take risks in some parts of your life, proving you can do it, yet convinced you can’t try out new ways of doing or thinking – in other areas.
✔︎ Self-Sabotaging – making sure your goals & dreams never come true, staying in jobs & relationships you hate but can’t seem to extricate yourself, refusing to use the options that would help you move on.
✔︎ Sleepless (in Seattle??) – tossing & turning, worrying about what you have to do in the morning & the rest of the day – every day, about how you’re going to manage the ‘conversation’ you’re dreading (with the boss, a subordinate, a family member….), obsessing about an ‘incident’ yesterday by text or email because someone was mad at you….. NEVER ever really relaxed
✔︎ Suffering – stubbornly cling to your self-hate to (unconsciously) prove your deep loyalty to the family, so :
— you pick people who are unhealthy, making yourself vulnerable to the same kind of neglect & abuse you got growing up, & sometimes even worse
— all the stress of suppressing your emotions + cruel self-talk + unhappy relationships = physical ailments, chronic & long-lasting
✔︎ Terrified – all the time, even if you don’t realize that’s why you’re breathing is so shallow. Scared to make a mistake or of not knowing something, of doing anything that will cause ‘them’ to leave you, or fire you, of taking a stand, of admitting your deepest emotions & sharing your pain, of honestly admitting your family’s abuse & neglect, or your own shortcomings….
✔︎ Trapped – with all the crazy, toxic people you’ve accumulated (& family you cling to), unwilling to extricate yourself because you don’t really want to see how awful they are & how much they’re harming you, and you can’t bear the idea of ‘hurting’ them any more than they already are. BUT it’s OK to let yourself be terribly injured by them???
✔︎ Uncomfortable – in your skin, crying, being noticed in a group, with gifts or rewards, taking in praise & compliments, even the validation you say you crave
✔︎ Waiting – never having been allowed to know who you really are has insured that you can’t motivate yourself. You wait for any outside force to push you in some direction, never being sure if it’s what you want. If there’s no deadline or needy person – if it’s just you – you’re stalled!
✔︎ Wishy-washy – trouble making decisions, trouble being firm with others, sticking to your point of view: “What if it’s the wrong one? // What if they won’t like what I say? // I want o see what they’re going to do first // I’m not sure what they want me to be/see/feel… // I can’t figure out what to wear to that event, who should I be, how am I supposed to act?I don’t know what to feel about this”….
NEXT: Co-dep EXTERNAL negatives – in us #1
5 thoughts on “Co-Dep INTERNAL Negatives (Part 2)”
Thanks for this narrative. I feel I ‘think’ I some how relate to it, that it has truth or validity of my life and relationships. However,
I find it hard to relate to my self internally and come up with this description of this happening for me.
I also find it very difficult to then generate those words or similar words for myself of myself, I just can not by myself, see it in myself with words.
I am guessing this is around denial so I do not have face may be pain in myself. I know I am in a far better position than I was last year, even the year before that, and the year before that, etcetra, since I have been participating in ‘recovery’ as I know it now.
I have some feed back that I avoid ‘conflict’ and I am too nice. I have done some self examination and I acknowledfe now that I am avoiding an internal violent reaction within myself, or thats what it feels like.
Thank you for providing your information and space – Peter.
TOO nice is about being too compliant & the real you being invisible. If you can find safe ways & places to get out long-held rage (a car, a field, an employ rook….), you will then be more balanced.
How do we change this situation?
There are 12 posts coming in June-Aug that answer the broad issue of co-dep.
Wow!!! Thank you.