THE WAY I COMMUNICATE
is consistent with my Type
PREVIOUS: EnneaLanguage – Basics 1c
SITE: Tapes of famous people’s talk style
BOOK: “Full Face to God: Introduction to the Enneagram”, David Mahon
TALK STYLES (outline) The Enneagram opens the doors of communication in many ways, which always begins with us. The better we knows ourselves, the easier it is to communicate effectively with others.
INTERNALLY referenced people provide their own motivation. They decide about the quality of their own work & have trouble accepting other people’s opinions or outside direction. They gather info from others, questioning their input, then choose what to do with it.
Language Pattern: They know or decide for themselves, evaluating their own performance. They resisting instruction from others, which is only seen as information.
EXTERNALLY references people need others’ opinions & outside direction, motivated by what others want or decide. If they don’t get feedback, they wonder how they’re doing. They have trouble starting or continuing activities without some mirroring.
Language Pattern: Need to compare their work to a norm or standard. Other people or external sources of info are their guide & judge, taken as a decision or order.
Each type has :
√ a unique approach to speaking & writing, based on inborn talent, which can easily be seen
√ conversation stoppers that block healthy communication, used
unconsciously when anxious, & based in our defensive pattern
However, sometimes we do need a version of conversation stoppers to help set reasonable limits, & protect from boundary invasions
√ language blockers can be used to manipulate & cause conflict, whether deliberately or not. When used to push away or attack others, at best they lead to poor quality conversations, at worst they’re poisonous.
◆ Counters to each Type’s blocking style comes from their natural ART, creating FLOW in communication, & need STOPPERS for protection. (Listed with each Type)
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TYPE 1s give SERMONS, PREACH, TEACH
Self-talk: ‘That’s not right, I am good, I know best, I want perfection’
Their WORDS : bad/good, excellent, must, ought to, should
are about : judging, perfection, policies, responsibility, right/wrong, what’s correct
Public Speaking Manner: Preachy
Style: 1s often have a tense voice, as if there’s some upset or anger underneath that they’re suppressing. THEY are:
• Concise, direct, detailed, exacting, precise
• Defensive if criticized
• Quickly responsive to ideas, especially if they strongly agree or disagree
• More likely to share about tasks rather than emotions
Pitfalls: 1s can pontificate – because they ‘know’ what’s right! When they get caught up in minutia – they lose their listeners, OR end up never giving a speech at all because it isn’t right – yet.
Can be so rigid they never change their message, for fear it will be wrong.
USE language to: admonish, correct, find fault, remind others of obligations
Others can experience 1s as closed-minded & unfeeling
CONFLICT Style: condescend, find fault, moralize, nitpick.
A poker face & unemotional, or explosive if pushed too far
MANIPULATE / cause Conflict by: constantly correcting others, pointing out what’s wrong in the environment, insisting that others share their standards & values
BLOCK others by: being critical, disapproving, judgmental
For BOUNDARIES: 1s needs realistic & healthy ‘judgment‘, to determine what is & isn’t helpful or safe, right for self & others
To FLOW in conversation, need GRACE: use Tact & Respect – to forgive, heal & be compassionate
To RESOLVE conflicts with 1s: Don’t tell them they‘re wrong.
Find a way to validate their opinion, but hold your ground. Try to avoid the words ‘wrong, incorrect, bad’ to prevent escalation. Gently help them see how they’re being angry or hurtful, as 1s have a fear of their own anger
NEXT: TALK types (Part 2b)