ACoAs – ABANDONING OTHERS (Part 1b)


 

PREVIOUS: ACoAs Abandoning others #1a

 

ABANDONMENT STYLES (cont.)

3. IGNORING
This is a pattern of NOT HEARING what someone is telling us about themselves, their needs, their tastes, their point of view, present availability….BY:
• doing the opposite of, or unrelated to, what is asked of us
• twisting what they say against them or using it later to zing them

• responding in a conversation from some inner thought process of our own not related to the current topic depressed
• pretending to listen, on the outside, while inside our attention is elsewhere – wandering, worried, in a rage …
BY:
• always & only talking about ourselves
• going into a panic state, & just blanking out
• insisting on getting a response to a call or text, when clearly the other person is not available — & then accusing them of ignoring us (feeling ‘abandoned’)
• seeming to be involved in a conversation, even talking, BUT later can’t remember what either of us said

CAUSES:
• copy what was done to us by our family
• desperately try to hang on to our own thoughts & emotions, so can’t hear anyone else’s (weak boundaries)
• overwhelmed by a jumble of painful emotions (anxiety, rage, terror, self-hate…) without being able to sort them, identify the reasons or learn self-soothing
• without a True Self being afraid of getting swallowed up if we let barrierourselves connect
EFFECTS:
• assume no one’s interested in our input
• believe others will want too much if we really pay attention
• severely limit benefits others may have to offer (friendship, knowledge, respect…)
• stay impoverished, emotionally & practically
• unable to find & express our True Self
HEALTHY:
• diminish self-hate by accepting that the original abuse & neglect was NEVER our fault
• gain healthy boundaries
• process enough old pain to lower anxiety levels

4. COPYING
Human being are biological programmed to imitate each other’s emotional displays – by face & body – using the mirror neuron system. Our brain practices doing actions we only observe in others, as if doing them ourselves. Children copy their parents, long-term spouses copy their mates, people & animals even end up looking alike!

🌀 However, here we’re referring to a misuse of this capacity – the compulsion of some ACoAs to latch on to someone they ‘admire’ & then make their life a carbon copy of their idol (teacher, friend, performer….). This has nothing to do with intelligence, other than that copy-cats are generally smart & resourceful – in all but Personal Identity.
This will happen gradually over time, sneaking up on the unsuspecting admired one.

This may happen more often between women, because of they’re natural tendency to connect on a level footing, whereas testosterone-fueled men focus on being one-up to other men & hate feeling one-down.

BEHAVIOR – ACoAs will copy an ‘idol’ :
• first befriend them, try to be helpful, but actually are just co-dependent
• go into the same profession, or having met at work – form a ‘camaraderie’
• copy any hobby or avocation that suits them (quilting, tennis, a Spiritual Practice….), & then take over groups the idol is involved in, bragging that it was their idea, they’re so much better at it, more devoted….
• often dress & change hair styles to match
• move location to be closer, get the same kind of car, buy a summer home in the same town….

CAUSE: Copiers —
• were so damaged in childhood they weren’t able to form a sense of Self
• now have a weak or fractured ego structure, equally true if the person is floundering in life or successful in their field
• are desperate to have some kind of identity, even if it’s someone else’s.
EFFECT
For the COPIER – The tragedy is that while they many have some things in common with their idol, they simply can not have the same personality (even twins don’t) SO they’re wearing someone else’s, instead of finding out who THEY are!

For the IDOL – once the pattern becomes obvious, & the idol is reasonably healthy, they’ll be creeped-out by someone they thought was their peer. They become aware that their admirer is actually a narcissist bent on being ‘taken care of’ in this indirect way. Eventually they’ll distance themselves & ultimately withdraw completely

NEXT: How ACoAs abandon others (2a)

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