traits of victims

TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

TOO PROUD to ASK FOR HELP
AND I don’t trust anyone to come thru

PREVIOUS: Traits of Victims, Part 2

QUOTE: “I am a victim, I have no qualms with this word, only with the idea that it is all that I am.”
― Chanel Miller, Know My Name: A Memoir

VICTIM (V) CHARACTERISTICS Preconditions (cont)
1. PSYCHOLOGICAL / SPIRITUAL (cont.)
a. re. Self  – Part 2

b. re. Abusers (P=perpetrator)
VICTIMS
• consistently compromise their ethics, values & beliefs in favor of the P.
• gain a sense of worth by care-taking the abuser. With a deep need to be needed, they become the P’s parent substitute or domestic slave
• have the illusion they can do something to fix the P. to make them less unhappy & therefore  –> be less dangerous, AND be well enough to take care of & love the V
Vs
• live in a fantasy world of “If only ____ (Perp) would do / be_____”, things would be OK between us
• pick inappropriate mates & friends – men & women both have a strong need for a relationship to validate themself, but expressed it differently
• use the P as their Higher Power, but often deny the reality of a Loving God or Benign Universe

social anxiety2. PHYSICAL
a. re. Self  – They :
• avoid almost all social interaction OR can’t stand to be alone
• are compulsive: get stuck in a course of action & can’t seem to shift out of it, even when given a good alternative
They
• have one or more addictions, used as self-medication (food, sex, drugs, alcohol, exercise….)
• have various phobias (of dirt, of going outside, of being noticed…)
• may exhibit obsessive-compulsive behaviors (pulling out hair, rocking, excessive cleaning…..)
They
• often have -very real- long-term stress disorders (auto-immune disease, back pain, migraines….), OR psychosomatic complaints (not physically based)
• afraid to start something positive, OR start things but never finish
• think about, plan or attempt suicide, or periodic self-harm (cutting, hitting / banging their head…..

b. re. Abusers — Victims
• allow Ps to invade their physical boundaries
• are available to be told what to wear, what to eat, how to sit, how to behave in public, where to look (eyes down)…
• ‘make it easy’ for & be available for the P to insult their speech, accent, vocabulary, tone of voice….
• put up with their physical appearance & body characteristics being made fun of or disparaged
• tolerate physical abuse OR physical neglect

chained to perp3. EMOTIONAL
a. re. Abusers – Victims are :
• likely to blame all their problems on others, both Ps & non-Ps – to not have to take responsibility for their own life – BUT (ironically) — they’ve ‘learned’ that no one is safe, so they say they can’t trust anyone
• deeply loyal to the abuser, even with constant proof that the P. does not deserve it, & is never loyal to the V.
• emotionally dependent on the good-will & validation of others (just like the P), while believing that NO one can love them
• terrified of any form of disapproval, anger or threat of being left

b. re. Self – Victims are:
• afraid to see any good in themself, take in compliments or value their accomplishments
• convinced they’re incapable of ever being able to love others
• depressed (overtly or covertly), even numb, &/or visibly nervous, subject to periodic anxiety attacks
are :
• driven by guilt (not doing everything right) & shame (not being sin-less)
• intensely fear-based, but hidden under a facade so can become control-freaks
• not allowed to be comfortable or comforted
• overwhelmed by S-H & FoA (fear of abandonment)
have:
• a submissive attitude & style of interacting (not the True Self), always feel inferior to others even when it’s hidden by competence or bravado
• great difficulty expressing anger, tend to internalize it & then act it out indirectly (passive-aggressive)

OUTCOME : Not being allowed to feel or think clearly for themself, Vs become gullible & therefore easily deceived, cheated & controlled. They attach to bullies, or hide from everyone. Not all look like Vs on the outside. They can act weak & incapable, or hide their vulnerability behind anger, hyper-activity & head-knowledge. But their personal life will usually tell.

NEXT: Victims #4

TRAITS of VICTIMS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I NEVER HAD A CHANCE
to be successful!

Previous: Traits of Victims (#1)

P = Perpetrator / V=Victim

 

REVIEW – Emotional Abuse
E.A. is an ongoing pattern of behavior designed to control, manipulate & defeat another, usually occurring behind closed doors.  It’s any non-physical behavior or attitude that intimidates, demeans, punishes or psychologically enslaves another.

It devaluates, humiliates & terrorizes, by yelling, screaming, name-calling, or with subtler tactics such as isolating a person from family & friends, invalidating their thoughts & emotions, & refusing to be pleased with anything.

Vs are ABUSED by any Perp WHO :
⚠︎ is habitually cruel or overbearing (even in the guise of friendship or caring), especially to smaller or weaker people
⚠︎ looks for the V’s ‘tell’ – a weakness they can exploit – and does
WHO :
⚠︎ hates certain categories of people (children in general, gender preference, ethnic or religious groups…)
⚠︎ has an authoritarian personality, combined with a strong need to control or dominate
WHO :
⚠︎ uses emotional, verbal &/ physical tactics to force their ‘wants’ on others, either by aggression & intimidation or subtler forms of coercion
⚠︎ uses their position to make themself feel more important BY humiliating others, keeping them ‘in their place’ (MORE…..)

• Whether in a family, on the playground, on the street or at work, bullies and criminals don’t usually target their Victims at random.
abuse passed downCHILDREN victimized by family:
💭 the child who is naturally compliant & wants to please is easily singled out by a Perp who know that that one can more easily be manipulated to do what the bully wants OR
💭 it’s the child who is too clever & insightful that they’re a threat to the P’s power & so must be crushed!
ADULTS Abused by anyone:
While its NOT the Vs fault, their past history of trauma can make them more vulnerable. They may BE:
☀︎ anxious, insecure, not able to defend themself verbally
☀︎ envied for their appearance, intelligence, talent & achievements
☀︎ too needy, clingy, eager to please
☀︎ withdrawn, seem odd, don’t fit in with their work or social culture

PS: Naturally, fully functional adults can be victimized as well, but are more likely to escape the abusive person or environments as soon as possible. They know & use many options the other types don’t, & will actively look for solutions, however long it takes.
💔
CHARACTERISTICS** – preconditions for being abused, rather than innate weakness. The following PMES categories (Parts 2-4) are the resulting emotions, beliefs & behaviors that come from prolonged exposure to Ps.
** Defense Mechanisms created by the False Self trying to survive years of mistreatment – NOT the fundamental & unique traits of the True Self.

1. PSYCHOLOGICAL / SPIRITUAL
In early life — came from various combinations of emotional, mental, religious, physical, &/or sexual oppression & abuse ( Laundry List)
a.  re. Self – as adults
• are afraid of being visible, so don’t share much about themself
• are impulsive with poor self-control, do whatever they feel like at the moment without thought to options or consequences
HAVE:
• a chronic feeling of emptiness / nothing is enough to fill the void
• a very sketchy awareness of who they are fundamentally (personal characteristics, abilities, skills, talents….)
• trouble relaxing & enjoying themself, take themself too seriously or not seriously at all
THEY:
• believe they’re a fraud & will eventually be found out. Lie when it’s not necessary
• can’t identify needs, or don’t have internal permission to own & provide their basic human rights, needs & desires
• feel responsible for others’ actions/ reactions, but don’t face their own
• lack internal motivation – only do what others want, or think they need

• never seem to get it together to leave the abuser (while endlessly thinking & complaining about it) OR keep leaving, but always go back OR pick another similar P
• project their disowned needs /desires onto others, without realizing it
AND
• may end up with a personality disorder – such as Anti-Social, Co-dependent, Dependent, Love &/or Sex addict, Paranoid, Passive-aggressive …

NEXT: Trait of Victims – Mental & Emotional (#3)