self-discipline

What is Self-Control ? (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 7.44.34 AMIT’S MUCH BETTER FOR ME – to be in control, than to be controlling

PREVIOUS: What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

SEE post: ‘ACoAs Acting controlling’

QUOTE: “To enjoy freedom we have to control ourselves” ~ Virginia Woolf

SELF-CONTROL  and PRESSURE
1. Neutral: No Pressure – a free environment with no competition, where you can do whatever you want. Self-control is based on however you feel at the moment. With no one else to compare to, people will be more -or- less motivated, depending on the urgency of whatever they’re doing, or their ability to self-motivate

ACoAs – re.‘ Neutral’, children left too much on their own, without guidance or boundaries, can end up floundering, lacking self-motivation. Notice : now with open chunks of time we say “I don’t know what to do”,  OR “I have so many things I could do / should be doing – I don’t know which one to pick”.
So we end up wasting the opportunity by doing nothing or just puttering around. Then we feel frustrated & upset with ourself.

2. Negative: Bad Pressure – In a judgmental & prejudicial environment with no competition, people can get depressed, unmotivated & lose self-control.ocer-control
REVIEW: Emotional Power over others and
Emotional over-Control of oneself are similar because they :
• both try to unfairly influence inner feelings, beliefs, attitudes, values
• are inappropriate internal strategies for dealing with issues, conflicts or mistakes
• are less obvious than physical methods, being manipulative, sneaky, dishonest
• produce subtle results (harder to catch), BUT ↓
• can be identified by resulting signs — depression, discouragement, emotional suppression, insecurity, low self-esteem, negativity & pessimism

3. Positive: Good Pressure – Being in a competitive but non-judgmental, non-prejudicial environment which helps people become motivated, inspired & gain self-control, making them want to be like others around them

STUDY from Humboldt University, Germany:
Broad styles of emotional control can be identified early in life.  This study followed children for 19 years, starting at age 4, then divided them into young people who were –
a. Under-controlled:  disagreeable & lacked self-control. “When feeling frustrated they acted aggressively towards others, n spite of the negative consequences.”
who's in chargeb. Over-controlled: emotionally brittle, introverted, tense, quiet, self-conscious & uncomfortable around strangers. Who “… control their emotions too much, so are less ‘natural’ & spontaneous. Being slow to warm up, they are seen by others as shy.”

c. Resilient (balanced): self-confident, emotionally stable, with a positive orientation toward others. These were “good at modulating their emotions, interacting with others & bouncing back from adversity”

✳️ One observation from the study was that – “compared to the resilient children, the other 2 types took longer to move into adult roles, such as leaving home, starting a romantic relationship or finding a career. Accomplishing these milestones requires social adeptness that the over- & under-controllers take longer to develop….”

COMMENTS : Types a & b are likely the result of unsafe childhood experiences combined with each child’s native style of emotional reactivity. This affects brain chemistry, & therefore how we react to life as adults. Regardless of which underlying personality type we’re born as , pre-Recovery ACoAs are rarely Resilient, but more likely over- or under-controlled, from childhood trauma.

⚡︎ ⚡︎ SO : coming from a turbulent, dysfunctional home, the Impulsive child can easily turn out to be the trouble-maker or drama-queen, AND the Shy one ends up isolated, depressed & marginalized (Scapegoat or Lost Child)

Resilience : by comparison, coming from a safe family, Extroverts can grow up to be dynamic go-getters AND Introvert become the quieter ones who successfully use their influence & skills in-the-background.

STUDY – by Jerome Kagan, from Harvard U,  His team used MRI scans to show that the brains of young adults – who were identified as being shy when toddlers – worked differently than the more Extroverted ones when they were small.  Of course, there are many other factors, including class, that make a difference in how children mature.

Ultimately, healthy Self-control is a combination of:
• being in charge of your WIC – by forming a relationship with him/her, so your UNIT is the stronger voice – reasonable, trustworthy & KIND
• AND stopping the PP from bullying the Inner Child into staying hooked by the family disease, who will either rebel or fold in reaction.

NEXT: What is S-C ?  (Part 6)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

head or heartI CAN CHOOSE TO DO THINGS
that are good for me & are suited

PREVIOUS: What is Self-control (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Control is about POWER – to make someone do or be what we want. When applied to ourself – that power can be either –
• a defense to deny our pain, which is debilitating & destructive, OR
• to heal & nurture ourself, & express our best to the world

Healthy Self-MANAGEMENT (S-M) is not limiting or rigid, but rather providing the stamina to keep going & the ability to handle stresses with flexibility. It relies on the same willpower as rigid self-control, but instead is channeled to :
a. prevent us from doing whatever is unsuitable & harmful to ourself, OR
b. delay instant gratification & pleasure, in favor of some greater gain or for more satisfying results at a later time

VALUE of S-M. It allows us to :
a.  • obey legitimate rules & laws
• avoid talking or acting impulsively
• overcome being stuck or procrastinating
• prevent self-destructive patterns (addictions…)
AND
b. continue & finish internal or external projects, even after the initial rush of enthusiasm has faded, or when they get too boring or too hard

Having S-M means WE:
• are in present-day reality, which includes owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our Rights, options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/ illusion)
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right places
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourself & with others

HEALTHY GOAL
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 8.11.47 AM🔸To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone else run ours – we must be our own Motivator, which is not selfishness but the opposite of co-dependence.

Being responsible for our own life also includes :
🔹AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over____” other People, Places & Things
🔹AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….

Having choices does fit with the Serenity Prayer:  “God grant me:
1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
2. the courage to change the things I can
3. and the wisdom to know the difference”

ACoAs are too long on a. negative self-discipline & short on b. healthy self-control, which is available by developing the “UNIT”. At first “a.” may seem like a good thing – because it’s supposed to keep us from doing actual bad or wrong things (which it can also do) – but that’s not the main way we use it

Instead, what ACoAs often do is to keep ourself from developing healthy T.E.As, but are in fact many positive ones DIS-allowed by our Toxic Family Rules.
EXP : Thinking for ourself, having opinions, standing up for our rights, Leaving bad situations, following our bliss, Feeling our emotions, relaxing, being happy, having fun ….

✶ Actually, just because many of us start out as under-dogs, it doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being empowered can be every ACoA’s goal, deciding for ourself how to act from an inner place of certainty & serenity.
😠 And for those of us who don’t like the word CONTROL – we can say : being in charge, living in our Adult Ego state, taking responsibility, being our own motivator!….

So, how in charge are you of your life – actions, career, emotions, health, home, finances, relationships, work life…..?
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting CDs  – our self-defeating self-talk – can extend the ability to be in charge of ourself, to keep our focus & have better self-care.

• Reasonable adults respect others who are in control (C) of themself & their life. Being respected is one of our many rights – the opposite of being shamed .  As we develop & honor our True Self, we will be respected by others more often if we consistently handle what WE CAN, as in line 2 of the Serenity Prayer, & relinquish / let go of the demand to control what we do not have the power to do.

NEXT: Types of Self-Control (Part 5)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

in controlWHO MOTIVATES ME – Others or myself?

PREVIOUS: Let go of Controlling -#3

POSTs:Personal Responsibility

☆ The UNIT:Healthy Adult, Loving Parent


SELF- CONTROL 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —-> lead to —-> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Def. of CONTROL, from the dictionary: to direct, command, exercise authority over -OR- to hold back, curb, restrain —> oneself or others.

PURPOSE of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or reach a delayed gratification
OR delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
DEF: ☀︎ to hold in check or curb (the WIC & PP ?)
☀︎ to exercise restraint or direction over something or someone
☀︎ to eliminate or prevent the spread of something (our damage ?)

ACoAs – Healthy S-C is very hard to achieve as long as:S-H
• the WIC is the ego state in charge of our daily emotions, actions & reactions
• we obey the Toxic Rules, suppressing our True Self
• externally, we stay symbiotically attached to our family
• internally, we continue to obey the Negative Introject (PP)

SELF-CONTROL (S-C) is about harnessing our willpower to accomplish things that are generally regarded as desirable & highly valued by society, including our personal long-term goals. As adults, we’re responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.) to the extent that it’s in our power, which is not always possible.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom, social vs private interactions…. but the need for S-C applies to everyone. However,
it’s harder for us to maintain it IF we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not also willing to govern themself. (MORE…)

skillsHealthy families help their children to develop this skill as part of their over-all training.  In adults – developing S-C requires a lessening of anxiety, & is motivated by a clear, conflict-free desire to stop harming oneself or others. Practice & perseverance are required, but it gets easier with repetition.
S-C  IS:
✱ not an inborn character trait that would automatically allow us to govern our thoughts, emotions & behavior
✱ a skill developed through education, social interaction & conditioning
✱ built up by the process of ‘stalling, distracting & resisting’ negative urges
✱ quite complex. It requires that we stay awake so our functioning is based in the present, not from trauma & Toxic Rules
S-C IS 
✱ internal mastery – by monitoring thoughts, regulating emotions, setting goals & making responsible choices. This allows us to moderate / manage competing activities, desires & urges
✱ the ability to make choices & decisions that benefit ourself, & then others. This requires knowing & honoring who we are – our abilities & experience, needs, preferences & tastes

✱ an important part of a cluster of fundamental internal resources (our core character, courage, determination, endurance, faith, purpose…. ) which do not disappear, even when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation
✱ requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychological experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion
S-C
✱ becomes self-discipline when we have to apply intentional effort. When practiced habitually for some time, it can become a character trait
✱ becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes & mental discipline needed to use SC
✱ becomes a virtue when we resists temptations in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual growth & transformation.

VALUE of Self-Control – it allows us to:
• be a responsible & trustworthy human being
• be in charge of our moods & replace negative beliefs – to keep in check self-destructive, addictive behaviors & obsessive thoughts
• eliminate feeling helpless & having to be inappropriately dependent on others
• be in overall charge of our life = gaining self-esteem, confidence, balance, inner strength,&  a sense of personal mastery
• have enough mental & emotional detachment to give us peace of mind

NEXT: What is Self-Control (#2)