personal responsibility

Passive-Aggressive ‘Nice’ COMMENTS

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I HAVE LOTS OF WAYS
of being covertly angry
PREVIOUS: P-A #1

SITEs: 27 Most Passive-Aggressive Things That Ever Happened
• P-A Commuter Types – (London)

** Southern P-A veiled insults 


Somethings Passive-Aggressives SAY :
Using their cherished bag-of-tricks to combat insecurity, especially if they feel pushed outside their comfort zone, P-As silently hope for attention & approval, trying to prevent loss of connection by avoiding confrontation.

The following statements are meant to express disappointment, hurt & hostility, but are coded in the form of underhanded insults instead of respectful honesty. Totally confusing most people, this style insures P-As do not get their needs met, while feeling ONE UP.
When they give those little looks, roll their eyes, or throw out subtly sweetly nasty comments, they’re cresting brain fog, so most ‘recipients’ don’t catch on that they’re being messed with. 

NOTE: Emotionally healthy people are self-reflective, so not only do they have decent self-esteem, but aren’t afraid to own their ‘stuff’.  So they rarely point a finger at others,, keep the focus on themself, not ashamed of their emotions, & can communicate directly with ‘I‘ statements.
EXP: “I won’t be able to help you with that // This is who I am, please accept me as is….”

BUT dyed-in-the-wool P-As have none of those characteristics. Almost all the following statements are ‘you’ types (some implied), and none of the “I” statements are kind or supportive, nor admit personal responsibility for their feelings / opinions

THIS often leaves someone wondering:
“Did I hear right? / / Did they mean to be mean? / / If I catch them or say ‘this hurt’ – will they deny or attack?……”  What the P-A wants is for others to always be off-balance.

This list includes things said/written by any adult in any setting
• Aren’t we pretty today? = Who do you think you are? / / Is that what you’re going to wear? // What you’re wearing is ugly
• Don’t bother! = means I really want you to do _____, & angry that you won’t
• Don’t take it so personally = means that it was a very personal barb
• Fine. Whatever = sulking, they want you to stop bugging them
• How is your therapy progressing? =You don’t seem to be getting any better (maybe worse!) // you’re still such a mess, I don’t think even this will help
• I’m coming! = foot-dragging, putting off doing something they want // I’m busy!

• I didn’t know you meant now = means I won’t let you control when I do what you want, which I don’t want to do anyway
• If you really want to = means I don’t really want to, but won’t say so
• It’s nice that you’ve found a friend = finally, since you’re not very desirable
• If you insist! = means I don’t agree //  I don’t want you to, but won’t ask you to stop
• It’s fine if you’re late, again = they feel disrespected but think it’s too petty to object directly (don’t have a right to be considered)
• I didn’t do anything (wrong) = complete denial of their abuse or neglect
• I didn’t mean anything by it = means ‘pretend you didn’t get it’
• I h0pe it’s worth it = they’re “worried” about a choice or decision you’re making, think it’s wrong and hope you fail
• I thought you knew/ are in the loop = they had no intention of including you
• I was curious about / surprised / confused by…  = a disguised criticism
• I was only joking = sarcasm meant to stab at you. It’s not funny

• Oh my dear, you’re looking so much better today = boy have you been looking like something the cat dragged in lately (although you have not been sick)
• No worries = short for Screw You
• So… (by itself) = another form of Screw you, or what’s your point? — If in a sentence : So….When are we going? / have you called them back yet?…..  = the P-A is clearly agitated, worried…. but won’t admit it
• Sure, I’d be happy to = they don’t want to & have no intention of doing it
• This is far too complicated for you to understand = dumb, dumb, dumb
• Thanks in advance = you’re will do what they want, without your input or consent

• You’re asking too much / just wanted everything to be perfect = they don’t want to do what you asked for, but can’t get away with putting it off, so do it badly or half-assed, then are defensive when you rightly object to a sloppy execution
• You’ve done so well for someone with your limitations / with what you had to work with = means the P-A is jealous, but patting you on the head like a child. OR are very displeased & disappointed in you, & blames you

• You decide / whatever you want = (as a pattern) never taking responsibility for what they want & then objects or criticized your choices
• You’re imagining things = means that if you’re ‘crazy’, they’re home free – got away with abuse
• You’re so intense / too emotional = P-As are hiding their own anger & pain, so don’t want your strong emotions to stir up their suppressed ones
• You’re too sensitive = P-As don’t want you to object to their hostility, judgement or insult
• Why are you getting so upset? = means “Ha, I got you!”
• We’re watching your progress & hoping the best for you = we don’t have a lot of hope or confidence in you, but want to sound supportive!.

NEXT: P-A ACoAs (Part 1)

AUTONOMY & ATTACHMENT (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

gain autonomy
SERVANT or MASTER of YOUR CASTLE
Who’s the boss of you?

PREVIOUS: Being Visible (#3)

 

ACoA SYMBIOSIS   (see Post)
It’s an unhealthy attachment to others as a way to:
• compensate for emotional abandonment in childhood
• cope with deep anxiety of being a separate entity
• escape having to face the struggle of growing up emotionally
• mask self-hate & fear of abandonment

In the process of healing the past, we move thru layers of growth with the ultimate goal of being free.
Symbiosis ——> Autonomy ——-> Attachment ——> Inter-dependence

AUTONOMY
1. GENERAL – As part of the human life cycle, the normal, healthy psychological goal of adulthood is to become our True Self, be inter-dependent with others & contribute positively to society.
• A reasonably healthy family encourages children to be an accepted part of the family group, as well as developing as a separate individual, & then be able to function successfully in the larger world

• However, as ACoAs we were:
☼ not allowed to fully develop our own identity
☼ forced to stay in emotional & sometimes physical bondage to the family
☼ so ignored, neglected &/or tortured we couldn’t form a stable bond with anyone.  See  ‘Attachment Disorder’ site

2. REQUIREMENTS woman w/ lotus
a. S & I  (Separation & Individuation) is required to connect successfully with others, the opposite of co-dependence & symbiosis, BY knowing:
• ourselves & being comfortable in our own skin
• what our needs & tastes are, & provide for them
• we’re OK, which is self-esteem & not arrogance or superiority
• we can be safe & at ease when dealing with others by having strong boundaries

b. Motivation
A hallmark of Personal Independence is being our own motivator** — not from egotism, but from being responsible for ourselves.  Spiritual & psychological teachers tell us that we need to look inside for the answers to our problems – that it’s an ‘inside job’, not what we have, but what we are. (‘Process, Part 2, b, iii’ )

in charge**Self-Motivation means we want to do things – for ourselves. It’s the reason behind our actions, our guiding principles.
NO – It does NOT mean ignoring or disrespecting our family, the needs of others or our spiritual connections
YES – It DOES mean is that, as adults, we’re not waiting for someone else to give us permission or a reason to act

➼ Pre-FoO Recovery, ACoAs can take many actions FOR others or because OF others, but rarely just because WE want to. (‘Responsibility’ )
Without someone pushing or pulling us, we’re like dormant trees in the forest or hibernating bears, waiting for the sun to shine on us, warm us up, give us a reason to move. This is the essence of co-dependence

• Past motivators – Normal: Our parents & family, school, teachers, friends, peer groups, religion, our countryour damage

• Present day motivators
★ negative: PRIMARILY our damage – hidden from us in the subconscious (the Shadow side) – old unresolved pain, toxic beliefs, our allegiance to our wounded family system, our resentments, fears… all expressed thru the WIC’s behavior

SECONDARILY: by other people’s opinions, the needs & wishes of friends, relatives, mates, children, bosses, our community, a punitive religion, & a distorted view of God

☆ positive: a loving H.P. & Ourself. All other reasons to act need to come second, evaluating them based on mental health, common sense, Recovery (not from the WIC or PP bad parent) – ie. emotional maturity

c. TOOLS to get to KNOW OURSELVES:
• a variety of psychological inventories & personality tests
tools• dreams, visualizations, prayer, spiritual literature
• feedback from reliable sources / meetings, therapy, body work
• listening to ourselves, mindfulness, staying in the now
• listing things we’re good at, ask others about our good / excellent qualities
• observing our behavior patterns, slowly over time
• noticing our emotional responses to every situation
• talking with the IC thru the day, listening to our intuition/gut
• written inventories, journaling, morning pages, I.C. writing

NEXT: Autonomy & Attachment, #2

What is Self-Control ? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

in controlWHO MOTIVATES ME – Others or myself?

PREVIOUS: Let go of Controlling -#3

POSTs:Personal Responsibility

☆ The UNIT:Healthy Adult, Loving Parent


SELF- CONTROL 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —-> lead to —-> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Def. of CONTROL, from the dictionary: to direct, command, exercise authority over -OR- to hold back, curb, restrain —> oneself or others.

PURPOSE of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or reach a delayed gratification
OR delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
DEF: ☀︎ to hold in check or curb (the WIC & PP ?)
☀︎ to exercise restraint or direction over something or someone
☀︎ to eliminate or prevent the spread of something (our damage ?)

ACoAs – Healthy S-C is very hard to achieve as long as:S-H
• the WIC is the ego state in charge of our daily emotions, actions & reactions
• we obey the Toxic Rules, suppressing our True Self
• externally, we stay symbiotically attached to our family
• internally, we continue to obey the Negative Introject (PP)

SELF-CONTROL (S-C) is about harnessing our willpower to accomplish things that are generally regarded as desirable & highly valued by society, including our personal long-term goals. As adults, we’re responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.) to the extent that it’s in our power, which is not always possible.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom, social vs private interactions…. but the need for S-C applies to everyone. However,
it’s harder for us to maintain it IF we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not also willing to govern themself. (MORE…)

skillsHealthy families help their children to develop this skill as part of their over-all training.  In adults – developing S-C requires a lessening of anxiety, & is motivated by a clear, conflict-free desire to stop harming oneself or others. Practice & perseverance are required, but it gets easier with repetition.
S-C  IS:
✱ not an inborn character trait that would automatically allow us to govern our thoughts, emotions & behavior
✱ a skill developed through education, social interaction & conditioning
✱ built up by the process of ‘stalling, distracting & resisting’ negative urges
✱ quite complex. It requires that we stay awake so our functioning is based in the present, not from trauma & Toxic Rules
S-C IS 
✱ internal mastery – by monitoring thoughts, regulating emotions, setting goals & making responsible choices. This allows us to moderate / manage competing activities, desires & urges
✱ the ability to make choices & decisions that benefit ourself, & then others. This requires knowing & honoring who we are – our abilities & experience, needs, preferences & tastes

✱ an important part of a cluster of fundamental internal resources (our core character, courage, determination, endurance, faith, purpose…. ) which do not disappear, even when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation
✱ requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychological experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion
S-C
✱ becomes self-discipline when we have to apply intentional effort. When practiced habitually for some time, it can become a character trait
✱ becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes & mental discipline needed to use SC
✱ becomes a virtue when we resists temptations in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual growth & transformation.

VALUE of Self-Control – it allows us to:
• be a responsible & trustworthy human being
• be in charge of our moods & replace negative beliefs – to keep in check self-destructive, addictive behaviors & obsessive thoughts
• eliminate feeling helpless & having to be inappropriately dependent on others
• be in overall charge of our life = gaining self-esteem, confidence, balance, inner strength,&  a sense of personal mastery
• have enough mental & emotional detachment to give us peace of mind

NEXT: What is Self-Control (#2)