PREVIOUS: B. INVASIONS (#1)

ARTICLES: ‘Sexual Abuse / Trauma’
“The Incestuous Family” – Roles re sexual abuse

BOUNDARY INVASIONS  (cont)
2. MENTAL Coercion

3. Family SYMBIOSIS
a. Insecure parents :
• push for an ‘us against the world’ attitude, hoping to increase family solidarity, powered by denial of dysfunction, & an unbearable threat to their sense of identity
• can be over-protective.  On the surface it may look like love, but they’re only trying to keep us attached by dis-empowering us
📲 The underlying message is that we’re incompetent, weak & have to be afraid of everything

• may attribute the wrong motive to other kids or adults’ unpleasant/ abusive treatment of us, no matter what we actually did (cause trouble or not, be friendly or withdrawn….)
When we complained about the bullies, Mother may say: “Those kids are just jealous of you because you’re so much better than everyone else in the class”, which becomes the twisted thought “The boss doesn’t like me because I’m smarter than her”….

b. Distortions
 CDs cause many problems for children. IT :
• gave us a distorted view of how the world works, making it hard for us later on to take responsibility for our motives & action
• prevented us from – becoming fully socialize, taking normal risks & learning about the many options available in life
• severely increased our inappropriate school / social behavior, making it easy to be a target for bullying, insuring distance from peers, & forced to stay dependent on the family

Familiar phrases: ~ Blood is thicker than water ~  Never air our dirty laundry in public  ~  No one else will love you like we do
~ You’ll never make it on your own so we’ve got to stick together ~ We’re better than ‘those’ people
OR a childhood taunt:  “You have a face only a mother could love, & she died”!

c. Family Insularity is an attempt to feel safe BUT built on fear-based rules that inevitably lead to constriction, intolerance & an inability to collaborate / cooperate well with others.
Ironically it also creates isolation, scapegoating, unhealthy alliances & splits inside the family, which then get repeated in adulthood.
EXP: A  part of the dysfunctional family mobile, being trapped in a toxic ROLE, (Scapegoat. Lost Child….) had “negative benefits.” It seemed useful by ‘protecting’ a parent from their emotional problems, the consequences of their addictions, & whitewashing outright abuses.
As adults we look for the same kind of payoff when playing out our Role in the larger world (protecting a mate, boss….), which doesn’t work now either, only reinforcing our sense of being a failure.

4. Parental NARCISSISM (N)
a. Boundary invasions
• Ns require that everyone be their carbon copy, with no room for children to develop their individuality
• children need mirroring (reflecting back who the other person is, without adding anything of oneself), but Ns can’t do that since they’re only projecting themself on to the child

Narcissists don’t recognize there are such things as Bs, that others are separate & not extensions of themselves. People either exist to meet their needs or may as well not exist at all. Anyone who provides narcissistic ‘supply’ will be treated as if they’re part of the controller, who demands the victim live up to their expectations (think: spider & fly).

• Some N. phrases:
“What’s yours is mine & what’s mine is nobody’s business”
“Do as I say – not as I do”, “Put a sweater on, I’m cold”
“No son of mine is ever going to…..”
“This is the thanks I get – after all I’ve done for you”
“Do that in the morning when you’re fresh” said by a mother always raring to go at 6 am, to her child who was born a dyed-in-the-wool night person!
Watch:  ‘Angry-martyr Narcissist” on YouTube

b. Role Ambiguity
Parental N. spawns much identity confusion. Since only their needs count, the children take on a parent role – “I am them”, & many a parent acts like a needy kid – “They are me”.

Family members aren’t sure who’s in or out of the clan, who’s performing what tasks or legitimate roles : Dad acts like a ‘girl’ , Sis is the ‘mom’, little Brother is the family shrink…..

Al-anon IMAGE: A co-dependent decides to kill himself by jumping off the roof of a tall building.  As he’s falling, someone else’s life flashes before his eyes!

NOTE: If you have firm boundaries in the face of a narcissist, the relationship won’t usually last! Good – better for you!

NEXT: B. Invasions (Part 3)