Maslow

Co-Dependent Anger-Niceness (Part 2)

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I NEED SUPPORT
from ‘availables’!

PREVIOUS: Co-dep angry-nice #1

SITE: 6 Basic human NEEDS

Remember: we are “Damaged, not defective”!


NEEDS:  As young, vulnerable beings every one of us had legitimate needs that were supposed to be met by caretakers, in order to flourish. Instead, many of us kept getting the message that our need were annoying, overwhelming, unacceptable, even ‘evil’. But since normal human requirements don’t go away, we had to find other ways to try to supply them.
As a result Co-deps & Passive-aggressives (P-As) interact with others from the False Self, both styles trying to get our disavowed needs met indirectly, while hiding fear & rage from early abandonment.
AND we also adopt these styles in an unconscious effort to ‘protect’ others from the WIC’s rage, which is murderous.

A fundamental human need is for connection, but unfortunately angry-niceness, in any form, prevents that very thing, keeping us from fulfilling our needs, wants & dreams.
Sadly, ACoAs tend to surround ourself & stay in relationships with un-recovering addicts & other narcissists – who take their damage out on us.

NOTE the difference between needs & obligations:
a. NEEDS are qualities, necessities & situations that are universal – see Maslow’s pyramid. There are also needs specific to you, based on your unique personality (using EnneaType, Myers-Briggs Type, Signs, Numbers, Learning Style, heredity…..)

b. OBLIGATIONS are activities that relate to functioning in the world as older children (homework, chores….) and as adults. People tend to say “I need to do the laundry, to get to work, to call my doctor, to finish this project, to do my taxes, to walk the dog….”. These are important but not your personality needs.


1. Co-Dependent version : one of their Toxic Rules is : “Everyone else’s needs are more important than mine (always)”. The obvious implication is that we should not have any needs of our own.
So co-deps focus all our energy on tasks & obligations, as if we could earn our way to heaven – the heaven of our family’s love! We take on too much – of everything – & then pile on the tasks of others as well, trying to do it all without help! No wonder we get sick, feel depressed, overwhelmed & angry!

2.  Passive-Aggressive version : one of the P-As’ toxic rules is “The world is a dangerous, dog-eat-dog place” so we have to protect ourself at all costs, hiding how angry we really are. P-As find it hard to take care of basic maintenance self-care tasks, or to honor outside obligations, like doing work they’re being paid to do. They show anger indirectly by stonewalling, or “forgetting”. It’s the WIC saying – not just “I don’t wanna” – but flat-out “I won’t! & you can’t make me! You don’t care about me so I don’t care either”, but we’re still waiting for magic. 

As adults we’re afraid to honor the need to set boundaries, & afraid to admit the need to be treated – at the very least – with respect, much less kindness. Asking directly for better responses from others is very hard for us, because WE :
• have been trained to not deserve better, so we think it’s selfish
• keep asking the wrong people when we do try
• refuse to admit the obvious — that unhealthy, narcissistic people only care about themself, don’t want to change, might retaliate in some form…..
• are convinced heathy people will ignore us !

Even so, we need to ask!  but from our ADULT, not from the WIC.
We may get some false promises from them, but even if you get thrown an occasional crumb, don’t let that keep you on their hook! It’s much better to stop chasing,.gather your resolve, back away & temporarily suffer crumb-withdrawal!

While most un-recovered people truly do not have the capacity to provide emotional connection (compassion, empathy, understanding, love….), we can still clearly state how we want them to behave toward us, ★ which is about actions, not emotions (T.E.A.). Otherwise, we end up feeling more & more confused, frustrated & hopeless, wondering why all our efforts aren’t paying off.
Speaking up from our True Self also benefits our Inner Child – no matter what the response is from others ! 

NEXT :

S & I : Healthy Individuation (Part 1)

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healthy S & I 

THE REAL ME –
is unique but not alone!

PREVIOUS: S & I  – Separation

SITE: “Extroverts & Introverts…”

 

INDIVIDUATION
• Individuation is the ‘normal’ search for our True Self – our essence & goal of life.  In the past, mystics called it : the ascent of the soul, the alchemy of the soul, or enlightenment. Carl Jung believed that the nature of humans is to constantly develop, grow & move toward a level of completeness, which can only be done from the inside (opposite of co-dependence).

It’s the progressive development of our own voice, throughout life by trial & error, involving many successes as well as failures & frustrations.
Just like Separation – Healthy Individuation includes keeping our attachment & connection to others (children & parents, mentors & protégés, friendships, mates….) without enmeshment or fusion, in a delicate balance

• Putting Self-Actualizing needs in the foreground, Individuation is to ‘own’ at least 51% of ourselves, by having combined Ego & Shadow, & therefore freeing ourself of the Superego’s tyranny (Negative Introject).
The rest – 49% – is made up of heredity + all our family & social experiences, traditions & religion.
And, because Individuation is ongoing, there’s a periodic need to return to earlier developmental stages – to heal deeper & deeper layers of unfinished business. At the same time, the truer we are to our Real Self, the more INternally motivated we become

•Successful Separation & Individuation requires an intact Ego – the center of our conscious awareness. While providing a sense of uniqueness, the Ego lets us know that we’re just like all other humans – part of a larger whole.

In Jungian terms, the Self is the main archetype in the Collective Unconscious, needed for order & organization, unifying different aspects of personality. Therefore it’s of a higher order than Ego – made up of both conscious (ego = public face) & unconscious (shadow✶ = primitive impulses such as selfishness, greed, envy…..)

✶ Shadow :  For Jung, both constructive & destructive forces exist in the human psyche, requiring psychological integration. To become fully actualized – at the top of Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs”- we have to be aware of & accept all our parts.
NOTE:
Ironically, for ACoAs, much of what also gets shunted off into our Shadow are the good parts of ourselves which were not accepted or allowed in our family & society! Having normal human needs such as wanting attention, intense emotions, our own way of thinking & doing things, being heard & respected…. were punished or so controlled that we end up forgetting them OR hating ourselves when they surface

• Jung believed that we don’t suddenly make a conscious decision to free ourselves from the herd, with its well-worn paths, in order to go our own way – ie. to Individuate.
Instead, the deciding influence is an irrational factor he called “vocation – like a law of God from which there is no escape”. It’s the Ego’s response to a call from the unconscious to express our core self , whether we like it or not

• Based on personal & professional experience, he concluded that Individuation happens in the second half of life, when people reach their goals & suddenly find themselves facing an unknown possibility or unexpected upheaval.
This turning point usually is a crisis in mid-life (not necessarily something bad), that upsets the status quo, causing a shift in perspective :
new way– a financial failure    – health problem
– broken relationship or death
– change of residence or profession
OR
– a message from powerful dreams & fantasies, creating —
– deep yearning or “call” to change direction
– profound self-doubt, loss of meaning or religious conviction
– questioning everything previously held as important, valuable or precious

• Then the essence of the personality moves from Ego toward Self, trying to form a new center. Parts that were ignored or under-developed (interests, talents, characteristics, experiences, issues…) may ‘suddenly’ want to be acknowledged
What was:
– fragmented now strives for unity  – broken now yearns for wholeness
– neglected now seeks expression   – formless now starts to take shape

While these changes can be very surprising & uncomfortable, shifting the ground under us, we intuitively recognize they fit our deeply truth

PS: Many psychologists now argue that while Individuation may be a natural outcome of age & experience, it can also be brought on sooner by deep therapy, but it’s mainly considered a life-long journey, which starts soon after birth.

MASLOW's needs

NEXT: Healthy Individuation (Part 2)