free child

Ego States – CHILD (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

broken home

 PREVIOUS: Child E.S. (Part 2)

CES = child ego state
AES = adult   ”     ”
PES  = parent  ”    ”

NC = Natural C.  // AC = Adapted C.

2. ADAPTED CHILD (cont)
2a. BROADLY (Part 4)

2b. SYMPTOMS of the -AC
Ways it expresses uncomfortable or painful emotions
Physical – have temper tantrums, roll eyes, shrug shoulders, use a whining voice
AND / OR inappropriately giggle, kid around, laugh, raise hand to speak, squirm, talk behind hand, wink….

Verbal – baby talk, be literal, talk too much. Phrases : “Oh no not again, Things never go right for me, ….worst day of my life, I dunno”….
AND/ OR  brag, exaggerate, pontificate. Use many superlatives (best, most, biggest), ‘big’ words to impress…. Phrases start with :  “I wish, I want, I’m gonna, I don’t care”.
CHART:
In adulthood :  Three negative adaptations to early trauma, -AC styles, found in C2
These nuances are ways the WIC can act up at WORK or in other groups, expressing “I’m NOT OK” or “I’m not OK & neither are you!” (OK Coral)

• Compliant Child ES
Fearful attitude :“I’ll do anything to please you as long as you don’t get mad at me or fire me”.
This person doesn’t make a good team member (don’t pull their weight), & will be highly stressed if they have to manage others. Often feel depressed, overwhelmed & unrealistically anxious
• Oppositional Child ES
Angry attitude : “No one can control me”  
Reacts against others, whether someone actually agree or disagree with them – as a false boundaries & a temporary sense of power. Negative repercussions are obvious
• Reckless Child ES
Arrogant attitude : “I only do things MY way”. (-FC)
This type has no boundaries & does whatever it wants, no matter the consequences to self or others. The person never / rarely takes responsibility for their actions. If they’re an employee it takes a great deal of management effort to keep them focused & out of trouble. As a boss – they run roughshod over everyone.

NOTE: We can switch into whichever state gets triggered by a current situation, often related to different ages in our past “Compliant’ is usually the youngest Inner Child of the past – age 3-5 . “Reckless / Rebellious” tends to be our teenager….
(⬆️ see the 3 Damaging Parent ES in “Parent – #4”)

FIXATION (see Basics Part 3)
DEF : an attachments to people or things persisting from childhood into adult life. An inability to adopt any different or new perspective about a problem

As long as the original trauma in our past is still lurking in the background as unfinished business, those experiences become psychological fixations – ‘stuck-ness’. So behaviors, beliefs or feelings connected to unhealed buttons can still be triggered by events in the present.
One stressor may throw us back to thoughts, emotions & actions when we were 10, while another event make us feel like a helpless infant

When the -AC E.S. takes over our usual way of functioning, we’re hijacked by something inside, out of our control because it happens so fastold damage – & we’re back in our childhood (regression). This shows us exactly where particular old wounds need to be repaired. (“Cycles of Power” has examples)

Fixations hold up a mirror to the PigP (Introject), not from our True Self which includes the Natural Child (+FC), capable of being comfortable with self & others.
Instead, mal-adaptive Introjects keep our Child part in pain, psychologically trapped in the past. Fortunately we can reprogram the brain.

⚙️ We can be emotionally stuck in the past because of verbally, physically & sexually abusive adults, physical & emotional neglect, unmet developmental needs, & generally unskillful or inadequate parenting. Children get confused when their needs are punished, misunderstood, ignored or trivialized – consciously or not. When it happens often enough, those lacks poison our whole world. (MORE…. examples)

💜 But even with caring parents, some ACoAs can get fixated at a  developmental stage because:
• the child or siblings’ needs were particularly complex or obscure
• unavailable or incompetent social / medical ‘support’ systems
• the family was under extreme stress from various hardships (severe financial or health problems, natural disasters, war / PTDS)…..
….. which under better circumstances 🌤 those parents would have wanted to & been capable of providing 🌺.

NEXT: Ego States – CHILD (Part 4)

Ego States – CHILD (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,


PREVIOUS: NATURAL Child ES

SITE: Comfort bags : emotional first aid kit (includes SONGS for the IC)

CES = child ego state  //  AES = adult ES  // PES  = parent ES
NC = Natural C.  // AC = Adapted C.(WIC)

1. NATURAL Child (Part 2)

2. ADAPTED Child (+AC) – It is a normal & necessary aspect of all human beings, the part that learns about & adapts to what is expected of us in our particular society, so we know who we are & how to survive.
It incorporates the lessons of our family, school, society & religion – molded in childhood, every day from every aspect of our early environment.child aspects

Our Adapted Child part learns how to behave under the influence of its family, in ways the parents would like it to be – obedient & precocious, or reserved & scholarly, or aggressive & vindictive….

❇️ For kids from functional homes, it’s formed around healthy rules & values, which then translates into well-adjusted, self-caring grownups who contribute their special abilities to society.

POSITIVE QUALITIES
🔅 Adapts, adjusts, fits in, reconciles itself to its environment
🔅 Absorbs values, mores, rules & restrictions of its society
🔅 Conforms to gender-specific messages & other norms
🔅 Contains the development of social skills & appropriate behavior

IMPORTANT : The Natural & Adapted Self are not automatically in agreement. Even in healthy environments (home, school, culture, religion) the 2 part of us can have different needs, desires & dreams.
EXP: What if the NS is born to be a talented artist / actor…., but the AC is required to be an academic, or macho sports hero, or business leader…..? ☆ How developed the Natural Self becomes over time will determine which one eventually wins out.
🔻          🔺           🔻
For ACoAs, the ADAPTED C.(-AC) ▲  is our wounded part (WIC), in reaction to wounding caregivers. It has to adapt in harmful ways BY rescuing, over-conformed & easily manipulated, being helpless or self-destructive…. It’s made up of our:
Ts – accumulated memories of many traumatic events
Es – all the pain (loneliness, despair, shame, hurt, humiliation….)
As – the child’s coping behaviors (caretaking adults & siblings, fighting, hiding, lying, studying…. )

For everyone, the normal Child includes sometimes being unpleasant – having resistance, hostility or reactivity – when feeling uncomfortable or threatened (a new siblings, a poor school grade, a divorce, a serious illness….), but most of the time they don’t have to worry.

BUT for ACoAs – our sense of dread & anxiety in childhood came from being constantly stressed (neglect, abuse, confusion, losses), so the -AC:
• became our False Self, developed as the only way to cope in childhood
• overshadows the True Self, so we may not even know who we truly are
• prevents us from having access to a Healthy Adult
• denies the intuition & emotional intelligence of our Natural Child

All kids come up with strategies to get through difficult situations, but when a child endlessly needs to protect itself, those strategies become a habit, then armor or a wall, the default position used in all situations, no matter what the circumstance.

Characteristics of the -AC ego state
PSYCHOLOGY
• Assumes it is the ‘Real Self’, being the only one a person knows, but is not
• Believes it’s protecting itself, but prevents our normal / universal needs from being met correctly
• Compulsively obeys the Toxic family RULES
• Emotions include anxiety, envy, guilt, rage
• Houses the Toxic ROLES – Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot
BEHAVIOR
• Acts from Victim, Rescuer or Bully position
• Can over-compensate, becoming aggressive or rebellious
• Is over-controlled or can be controlling (copying thbad WICe Introject)
• Lacks genuine confidence. Not able or willing to accept balanced, appropriate responsibility
• Weak boundaries, so gives in to unreasonable demands from others – OR
• Walled up, so is always deprived &/or withholding

As the WIC, the -AC reacts to the world around it by either changing itself to fit in (‘good girls/boy’), or rebelling against all forces it encounters (as enemies)

If a ‘normal’ grown-up temporarily regresses to this ego state, they’ll experience inner needs & the outer world as they did in one of their earlier developmental stages. In that state, although seemingly in the present, they’re actually reacting to a current situation thru childhood mental & emotional lenses. But it doesn’t last.

NEXT: Child E.S.