acoa recovery

Toxic Family ROLES (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

I HAVE TO HOLD THINGS TOGETHER, or we’ll all implode, & then what?

PREVIOUS: TFR (Part 1)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.


1. NORMAL HIERARCHY

2. DYSFUNCTION (cont)
Toxic Family ROLES (TFRs) develop in a dysfunctional family when healthy emotional bonds are weak or missing.  They are defense mechanisms to help each person adapt to a difficult environment they can’t fix or escape.

• TFRs are Rigid : assigned not chosen, fixed not flexible, not created or maintained by a single member, & have little to do with each person’s fundamental personality

• TFRs are formed & perpetuated because they keep the system from complete disintegration. They develop gradually, unconsciously, so most members don’t realize they’re hooked, becoming a deeply ingrained part of each person’s False Self. While there’s an internal ‘logic’ keeping the mobile pieces in place, they reinforce dysfunction, which is passed down the family tree

Such families revolve around a serious problem – not only chemical addictions, but also a mentally or physically impaired person, someone in jail, infidelity, physical & sexual abuse, a parent who has left, disappeared or died……defense

This addict or perpetrator is a severe burden on the family – taking up so much time, emotional energy & resources – that the rest of the family can’t get enough of their needs met to thrive.  Children get pulled into parents’ personal or sexual problems, become a spousal substitute to one parent, & often force an older child to be physically & emotionally responsible for younger ones or a mentally ill parent….

ROLES provide a sense of purpose in the chaos, TO :
☞ deflect the addict’s blame away from themself
☞ manage anxiety, minimize blowups or complete dissolution
☞ protect family honor from disgrace by presenting a ‘good’ image to the world….
For Roles to work, the entire system is forced to participate. To TEST this, try taking on someone else’s role in your family, or refuse to play your own. Immediate, intense pressure will come down on you to get back to your ‘job’!

1. ADULT Roles
a. The Addict – Can be parent, teen or adult-child. They get all the attention as the center of the family ‘universe’.  Al-Anon says: “The sickest person in the room wins!” & “The alcoholic has their arms wrapped around the bottle, while the co-alcoholic has their arms wrapped around the alcoholic.”
Once this ‘dance’ is set in motion, all that’s left is for everyone else to automatically fill in the rest of the roles, completing the mobile.

• Internal prerequisites for addiction are : genetic inheritance, being differently-wired (neurodiverse), personality traits / attitudes / beliefs, history of trauma, inability to cope with life’s challenges & an unwillingness to be responsible for themself
• Externally – addiction is impacted by important relationships : family & friends, cultural beliefs, social influences & pressures

b. The Caretaker (Co-Dependent, Enabler / Rescuer, Martyr)
This person, usually a spouse but often ends up being an older child, makes all the other non-addict roles possible. They have to keep the family together, keep everyone going, keep the addict from injuring or killing themself…..
They make excuses for bad behavior, irresponsibility & emotional abuse, avoid any mention of the addiction or the possibility of Recovery, & try to present a problem-free face to the world. But Al-Anon says: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”

• As the long-suffering martyr, Enablers take on the addict’s problems & self-blame for failures, living in reaction to the highs & lows of another person.  That’s why addicts consciously or unconsciously attach to them.

This Role allows the co-dependent to ignore their own low self-esteem, gives them a sense of purpose & staves off fear of abandonment.
So, giving up their Role & interrupt the codependent cycle – which could actually lead to healing – is not their 1st choice. Besides, they don’t believe anyone who’s healthy would want them, not admitting it even to themsef, so why bother.
ARTICLE: “Being addicted to the Addict” by K. Capell-Sowder

2a & b. The CHILDREN : Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot (next 2 posts).

NEXT:  TFRs (Part 3) – Categories for ACoAs

Toxic Family ROLES (Part 1)

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SHE HAS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH – so it’s up to me to help everyone!

PREVIOUS: Family ROLES – general

BOOK : “Living With Alcoholism & Addiction: The Elephant in the Room” ∼ Meilena Hauslendale


✅ NORMAL HIERARCHY

❎ DYSFUNCTION
These posts are focused on the alcoholic family, but these Roles can also be applied to other dysfunctional systems.
DEF: Drug = anything used compulsively (not only chemicals)
Addiction = any substance, person or activity which is used as a numbing agent against inner pain, becomes the only center of someone’s life & which cause chemical changes in the brain – ‘love’, sugar, alcohol, over-exercising, drugs, porn, pot, religion ….

Reality – In any addictive system :
• the addict’s use of their chosen drug(s) is the most important thing in the life of the whole family, & nobody’s allowed to discuss the problem with others outside the home

• addiction in not the only cause of problems, but is combined with :
— the denial of it & the emotional pain everyone’s feeling
— no-one saying what they really feel or think, to themself or others
— not talking about the “use” & actions that cover it up, blaming others
— providing alibis & undeserved loyalty of the family to the active addict & to the whole toxic system – enabling addictions to continue

ACoA painTYPICAL emotions of an addictive system
Anger: kids resent the drinking parent, but often transfer that anger to the non-drinking parent for being over-controlling, not providing support & protection, &/or for not leaving the addict

Anxiety: fear because of arguments, neglect & violence, creating constant worry & emotional hyper-vigilance (never relaxed)

Confusion: the drinking parent’s mood swings & unpredictability cause uncertainty & inner turmoil, paralyzing kids who don’t know what to do first, second or next. Also confusing, contradictory messages & rules

Depression: feeling lost & lonely, helpless & hopeless, powerless
Distrust: constant disappointments, broken promises & mistreatment make it hard for kids to trust anyone or develop close bonds with others

Guilt: kids assume they’ve somehow caused the parent’s drinking & chaos, & not being able to ‘fix’ things  
Shame :  kids are ashamed of the family “secret” – including physical abuse – & withdraw from other family members, classmates, friends….

Alcohol-ISM is the organizing principle in a dis-functional family system, says Claudia Black. The active addict becomes the central figure around which everyone else arranges their actions & reactions, usually in a slow insidious process, forming the family mobile.

Members do what they can to bring as much consistency, structure & safety as possible into a family that’s unpredictable & dangerous. They adopt certain roles, while the ‘problem’ becomes the “elephant in the room”, which they all carefully ignore

• In these addictive & other narcissistic homes, with the endless tug-of-war between personalities & the ‘problem’, children’s need for love, support & emotional nurturing is often minimized, made fun of, forgotten altogether – even punished.
With few role models to show how emotions can be expressed positively, children shut down & stuff themselves into the straight-jacket of the Roles.

• Trouble follows when the people or tasks in a subsystem overlap, becoming blurred with those of others (such as role reversal).
Some members may be well-meaning, but the impulse for secrecy prevents anyone from reaching out for help, so the only option they have is a misguided attempts to protect the group by denying or minimizing the stressors.
The need to look “normal” comes out in distorted ways because they don’t know what normal is. They compare their insides with everyone else’s outsides, & always loose by comparison

• At the same time – their worry about & love for the addict, & the all-pervasive fear of change – inevitably cause family members’ to gradual slide into a psychological & social hole. As a parent’s substance abuse progresses, everyone has to play a part in preserving the home.

Toxic Family Roles (TFRs) may seem to be the ‘recipe for living’ in that barely surviving environment, but they actually discourage growth, preventing everyone from responding from their True Self. That makes it hard to give or receive support.
And the Toxic Rules attached to the Roles are unrealistic, & difficult or impossible to obey, which encourages dishonesty & manipulation, to avoid rejection or punishment.

NEXT: Toxic Family ROLES (Part 2)

Family ROLES – Normal

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , , ,

fit in HOW DO I FIT IN,
& still be me?

PREVIOUS: ACoA Poem

See Inner Child MOVIE :
“If you believe”

 


1. NORMAL HIERARCHY
• Most organizations still function is a hierarchical system, with clearly identified Roles** for their members, as in governments, corporations, sports, law enforcement, social groups, most religious congregations, schools (esp. if students are under-age) ….. and of course, families.
Yes, it is possible to have consensus or democratic rule in some of these, BUT ONLY when made up entirely of rational adults.

** Roles are ‘social expectations & norms held regarding an individual’s position & behavior within a group’ (Simon, Stierlin & Wynne, 1985)

• To function properly, family systems need to organize themselves to carry out daily challenges & responsibilities, as well as adjust to the developmental needs of its members.  But to understand the dynamics of any family unit, it takes more than just listing who the individuals are – we need to know how they come together & interact. The family system
exists √ in paradox : it has to be stable enough to provide continuity over time, while being able to adapt to fluctuations
√ as a balancing act : too much change – the system breaks down, too much stability – it atrophies & dies

• All families organize themselves into hierarchies & then into subsystems, which may be grouped by generation, age, gender…., to accomplish their tasks & goals. These smaller groupings can be grandparents, aunts & uncles, parents & children, males & females, the older & younger, the skilled & unskilled, the sick & well…… Naturally, individuals & the subsystems are influenced by & dependent on one another, so what happens to one affects the othergood fences

• Hierarchies need Boundaries, TO:
☞ have a line between subsystems
☞ control the flow of info – into, out from & about the family
☞ influence the flow of people allowed in & out of the system

• According to Family Systems Theory, all families strive for a sense of homeostasis (balance), in an effort to find equilibrium between life’s challenges & the family’s resources to handle them.
New patterns of interacting with each other will have to show up to keep inevitable changes from getting out of hand.
When this doesn’t work, additional family rules or dynamics have to be added or adjusted to restore balance. This happens in both healthy & unhealthy systems, but the solutions will be very different!

• This balancing act has EITHER:
🕴morphostasis – a system’s ability to hold its shape & structural stability – by trying to conform ‘perfectly’ to a situation, keeping strictly to its rituals, allowing only those changes that do not threaten the existence of the family…. in the face of all types of stressors
OR
🕴morphogenesis (creation of life) – a systems’ ability to change its form, grow systemically over time & adapt to the changing needs of the family
• To keep the group going & make things harmonious, each family member needs to have an age-appropriate role, which should be stable but not rigid. Ideally, members have specific jobs, governed by rules & strategies
parents provide✶ PARENTS are expected to fill a wide range of needs for themselves such as financial stability, mental stimulation, relaxation & hobbies, community participation, a satisfying sexual relationship….
.
ALSO  provide children with :
the Basics – Daily maintenance, provision of food, clothing, shelter & health care
Emotional needs
• a genuine feeling of safety & security, a sense of home, nurturing, warmth
• fulfilling the need for love & belonging, inclusion
• esteem, giving self-worth, personal value, support, encouragement

Mental & Social needs
• Age-appropriate discipline, correcting & guiding, setting boundaries
• Help with homework, how things are done, how to be social, handling finances, valid information
• Privacy, respect for each member’s autonomy & separateness
• Recreation, opportunities to have fun together
• Understanding, having the right to make mistakes & learn from them
Spiritual needs
• encouraged to have meaning & purpose in life, suited to the child
• gain a sense of the larger community & their place in it
• allowing development of a relationship with a Higher Powerchild obey

✶ CHILDREN are expected to learn from, cooperate with & respect their parents (must be age-appropriate) BY:
☞ attending school, keeping up with homework
☞  expressing their intellectual & artistic gifts
☞  helping with tasks around the house
-☞ trying out new & interesting skills, games & social settings

• People play many social roles,  such as — parent, sibling, worker, student, lover…. each with it’s own set of requirements & functions.
This is normal & healthy as long as they have a positive core identity to underpin their role, & are free to express many different aspects of themself.

NEXT: Toxic ROLES – #1

‘ALONE’ – an ACoA POEM

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NOT ALONE, BUT LONELY!
No one acknowledged the suffering.
They said it was just being ‘difficult’!

PREVIOUS: Emotional Needs & Innate Resources

DMT: I’m not a poet but wanted to include this one I wrote in 1975, as it reflects the emotions & sense of futility of a young person – a suffering GoA (grandchild of alcoholics), long before recovery, who was always searching for answers & healing. Eventually I found the validation, guidance & comfort that brought Recovery!

ALONE

Forgive me! I cried.
At every turn I wished I’d died
at birth, as near I did.
Strange thoughts drove through my child’s mind:
I closed my eyes & saw infinity!
Why am I here? What is my kind?
Am I insane?

Forgive me! I seem weak,
and yet I cannot help but speak
to everyone I meet
in marketplaces & on streets –
thus twice did strangers catch me up
and carry me away – well nearly.
Then caution dogged my every step,
but never ‘dearly’.

Forgive me! I Whispered.
Had I really erred so much?
Why all that poison guilt?
Was I an empty vessel to be filled
as my masters thought & willed?
Too much to know, no one to help!
Fear to anger on my lips had grown.
Be still! I moaned.

Hear me! I then began
to scream the pain without a plan –
blindly striking all.
No one to guide, no one to help
in clearing paths & scaling walls.
Silent or blazing, to lose or to win,
the heart, without knowing, fought to be twin to a worthier mind.

NEXT: Excellent Inner-Child MOVIE

PURPOSE of Emotions : Motivation (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

I NEVER REALIZED –
how much my feelings make me do things

Previous: For Decisions #2

 


2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS (cont)
d. To PREDICT BEHAVIOR
e. For DECISION-MAKING

f. To MOTIVATE Actions
DEF: MOTIVATION is the driving force behind the push to achieve goals (internal & external factors that cause & direct behavior), and it’s our emotions (Es) that prepare us to take those actions.
The urge to act is hardwired to specific emotions, which are automatically built in & produce physical sensations – muscles tensed or relaxed, blood vessels dilated or contracted…. These sensations signal us either to urgently do something or stay in a comfortable state

ACTIVE : In all motivation theories, ‘goals’ are very important. One form of goal setting is expressed in a Feedback Loop concerned with how people self-regulate in pursuit of their goals. A Self-regulation System tries to keep some condition fixed, even in the face of various kinds of disturbances from outside.
D = a Reference Value, either as a goal or standard you want & an undesired state to avoid, OR where behavior is adjusted so that discrepancy between input & goal is reduced.
A = an input sensations coming in, to tell you how far you are from achieving the goal or avoiding the anti-goal.
B = an output, a behavior or motor activity to move you closer to the goal
C = a mental comparison, the conscious or unconscious appraisal of how near you are to the goal (MORE…. “Emotions & Motivation“)

AVOIDANCE: By nature we’re motivated to take specific actions in order to experience pleasant emotions & minimize the probability of feeling unpleasant ones. (7 Negative feedback loops)
EXP: As a kid in school, what made you decide to raised a hand to answer a question – or not ? It depended on which felt safer / better: the pleasure & recognition of answering it right, or avoiding the embarrassment of getting it wrong
EXP: You might participate in social activities or hobbies that provide a sense of happiness, contentment, or excitement. On the other hand, you’ll probably avoid situations that could lead to boredom, sadness, or anxiety.

RISK: Action requires risk, & the willingness to take risks is rooted in our Emotions, which are themselves based on moral convictions – those values that do move us, not those that ought to move us.
When confronted with a new experience, opportunity or danger – we wonder: Should I be courageous? withdraw? hedge my bets? What’s an appropriate risk?
To make sense of an unexpected experience we need to interpret what it means:  Is it good for us, bad for us or irrelevant?
Our values —-> generate —-> the emotions that inspire us to act.

Es for solutionsOBSTACLES: Emotions can help us overcome obstacles in our life. EXP:
• anxiety when you’re about to take a test – although uncomfortable – helps motivate you to study to do your best
• anger can motivate you to protest injustices,  & help override the fear you might feel at a demonstration or rally
• guilt may keep you sticking to a diet or finishing a work assignment.
It’s not to say that we should feel guilty, just that it’s what prompts some to follow through with a difficult project or goal

LIMITATIONS:  Es cannot fix problems – we can’t ‘anger’ something into a solution. We also need free will. Sometimes we can have a strong desire for something but never create an action-plan to go after it. Es may be a driving factor in wanting to change, but they have to be combined with a desire to act, in order to become motivation.
And once we have the motivation, there has to be actual carry-through, the signals sent to our muscles that allow us to move. However, if Es are too overwhelming, they will prevent us from taking any action at all.

NEXT: Motivation #2

PURPOSE of Emotions : Decisions (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,


Smusical notes 4 I CAN’T DECIDE !
– what if it’s the wrong choice?

PREVIOUS: For Prediction

Article: “The Role of Emotion”  


2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS – cont.
c. PROTECTION from HARM
d. To PREDICT BEHAVIOR

e. For DECISION-MAKING (DM)
• Decision-making is about evaluating & achieving goals, & the most meaningful ones are combined with strong emotional tags. Scientific studies have established that the role of Emotion in DM is biologically extensive & complex, & therefore indispensable.

Areas of the brain used for thinking are also thoroughly connected to emotions, as can be seen in people with severe frontal lobe damage. They are left with an inability to make practical & social choices, even though they still have all the information & skills need. Their damage isn’t in memory or intelligence, but rather the neural connections between emotional & cognitive centers of the brain.

• Antonio Damasio (Prof of Neuroscience, CA) suggests we have emotional processes called “somatic markers” made by strong chemical connections between events that are important to us and the emotions they induce. (Soma = body)
These markers are stored in a section of the large brain area normally associated with rationally thinking – the prefrontal cortex

When facing complex or conflicting choices, we may become overwhelmed by too many options & not be able to decide using logic alone. Somatic markers can then simplify things by focusing our attention on specifically useful & desirable options. (Emotional Decisions, Somatic Markers Hypothesis )

CHOICES – When figuring out something or making a decision, WE:
• Consciously : use cognitive functions (thinking) via the rational cortex, which takes at least 0.1 seconds to get going. This level of DM is based on the principle of utility, where the value of each option is assessed by its cost-benefit to us or a loved one.
EXP : Stopping yourself from crossing a busy street when the light is yellow

• Unconsciously : automatically responding from emotions, especially when under stress, such as in a heated argument or when in immediate danger. Emotions happen almost instantly, so it’s much harder to notice & be in charge of them!
EXP : Saying something inappropriate to the boss as a knee jerk reaction

• Indirectly : Es stimulate our brains to deal with input very quickly & in specific ways. If we react to input (an event) by disregarding the facts, common-sense or circumstances, we can easily end up coming to a wrong conclusion, & therefore take inappropriate actions
EXP : Callingimages-4 an old lover who’s made it clear she/he’s no longer interested

• Directly : observing ourself respond emotionally to unpleasant encounters, then noticing what we think about doing, & remember what has happened before. We learn from experience & adapt our actions accordingly.
EXP : Feel a strong attraction to an abusive ex, but know it’s not safe to reconnect. Want to hit someone who insulted you, but don’t

• If we do something that harms us or contradicts our values, our Es will let us know – so we need to pay attention. Even when we’re just imagining what might happen, our Es are still triggered, & hopefully we always use them as a guide in picking the best options available.

Studies show that when people’s emotional pathways are severed in the brain, they can’t make even simple decisions, because they don’t know how they feel about the possibilities they have to choose from. SO don’t complain about having Es!

INFLUENCES on Decision Making (DM)
• Anticipatory Emotions (before an event):
Neg: Emotional anxiety & mental worry about not knowing how to decide, making the wrong choice, not having enough info…. OR
Pos: pleasure & excitement about having interesting & attractive options, not knowing for sure but willing to take a reasonable risk, hoping to learn or experience something new….

• Anticipated Emotions (after an event):
Neg: fear, guilt, anxiety about what will happen as a result of the decision made  – being rejected, causing more problems, not getting what we want….. OR
Pos: excitement, relief, wonder – about the potential benefits of the choice made – having left a bad relationship, gone to a longed-for event, chosen between desirable job offers….

NEXT: Decisions #2

PURPOSE of Emotions : PREdiction

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: For Protection

REMINDER: Use Acronyms Page for abbrevs.

 


2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS – cont.
c. PROTECTION from HARM

d. To PREDICT BEHAVIOR
• Psychological research has shown that Emotion shapes behavior, perhaps because strong Es reinforce experience. Knowing how someone feels will help us evaluate how they will act.
Everyone has a chronic or habitual emotional state that determines their fundamental & relatively constant behavior patterns. When we experience success or failure in our activities, emotional levels move up or down accordingly, but eventually re-balance, returning to our personal base line.

ATTITUDES (Att) are a person’s consistent evaluation of people, objects, & ideas, based on TEA: T – cognitive, E – affective or A – behavioral. Explicit Att are opinions that people consciously endorse, & can be easily described, whereas implicit Att are involuntary, usually unconscious & therefore uncontrolled. Att can predict behavior if we know which of these 2 categories someone is coming from in a given situation

T.O.M. –Theory of Mind – acknowledges our natural capacity to understand internal states such as beliefs, feelings, desires, hope & intentions. We’re able to create a mental picture of our own Es & reactions, which helps us understand that other people’s behavior is caused by their inner experience. This helps us anticipate & predict some of what to expect from them

• We know that whatever goes on in the mind of others is not visible to us, so the images remain a “theory” we create.  T.O.M. is not a form of mind-reading but rather a way to notice patterns, like putting oneself in someone else’s shoes.
EXP: Even as a kid, you ‘understood’ that your sister would be sad, furious & frustrated with you IF you tore up her favorite dress! And you could also predict how she’d react – yell, hit you, tell your parents, get back at you later – depending on her personalityin your shoes

CHILDREN: A group of Child Psychologists made a systematic examination of emotions & story themes in children’s play time, to see if the combination could provide useful information about their bad behavior (acting-out).
Scenarios made up by 4 & 5-yr-olds, with images of emotional distress & destruction (aggression, personal injury, loss, abandonment…. ), correlated with their actual behavior problems, as rated by parents & teachers.

SALES: Marketing studies have used emotional measurements to see if they could link people’s capacity for persuasion & therefore purchasing decisions with emotional feelings. They concluded that combining emotional responses with other key factors indicate consumers’ true basis for choices. This gives companies an effectively tool for reaching their audience, since Es accounted for 70% of the respondents’ purchasing motivation.

ACoAs: Again, the type of Predicting referred to here is NOT mind-reading, which is based on our assumptions, projections & wishes. Rather, it’s the ability to observe what others are telling us about themselves – which they do all the time – AND recognize what our emotions are telling us about them.

pay attention• As we get to know someone we can make general but legitimate assumptions about how they’re going to react in various emotional states & social situations. It’s up to us to stay awake.
Children figure out how to do this at an early age by watching their parents & others around them, so they know what’s expected of them, how to respond & how to protect themself. BUT we were taught not to trust those observations – so we ignore what we do know, to our detriment!

• Because of this trained blind spot, as a substitute ACoAs try to mind-read what others feel & need, which is always a disaster. We also make the mistake of ‘predicting their behavior’ based mainly on how our parents treated us & each other – instead of responding to who someone actually is in the present.  EXP – If we were —
— constantly neglected as kids we expect everyone will ignore us now
— always scapegoated in the family, we keep ‘seeing’ ways others marginalize or blame us
— usually punished for getting angry, we assume everyone else will also reject us if we express anger….

➼ Yes, we can easily fimind-readingnd people who are just like our family, often choosing & then staying with them because we can act out the Negative Prediction of always & inevitably being abandoned.
However, those types are not our only options.  There are respectful, caring people in the world as well. We have a right to find & be with them – so believe in that Right & keep looking!
✶ Relations are like fish – it’s up to us to pick the ones with the least bones!

NEXT: Purpose – Decisions, #1

PURPOSE of Emotions : PROtection

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Awareness #2

Article: “The World of Feelings & Emotions”

 

2. INDIVIDUAL NEEDS (cont)
b. For Self-Awareness

c. PROTECTION from HARM
• BODY – i. Painful Es like depression, hostility, rage, anxiety, worry… have been linked in many studies to heart disease & other physical illnesses such as diabetes, as well as to hospital deaths caused by stroke

ii. Pleasurable Es: A first-time study of ‘positive’ emotions linked to illness concluded that people who are usually happy, enthusiastic & content are less likely to develop heart disease. This was done in Nova Scotia (1995), with 1,700 people who were followed for 10 years.
Dr Davidson noted that the chronically unhappy people had a 22% higher risk of heart attack. Even those with some positive Es we less at risk, & the safest were the overall happy people, even though they sometimes got depressed as well

• MIND – Es give us information about what’s going on around us. We subliminally pick up signals about situations that will produce an emotional reaction, but we can’t always tell what set off our ‘Spidey Tingle’.
We might say: “Something doesn’t feel right about this” or “I had a feeling something was going to happen, & it did” – thoughts based on
physical clues below conscious threshold. PAY ATTENTION!

We need to honor the gift of our intuition & Es – but it’s OK to double check with others. It’s also useful to keep a dated written log every time we’re right – and when we’re not – noting what we think may have made the difference between what we imagined & what actually occurred.  These notes give us much-needed self-mirroring & validation of reality

• ACoAs have a great need for safety – even above love. Not allowed to ‘hear’ our gut feelings as kids, as adults we’re still deeply fearful, automatically projecting our dangerous family onto everyone we encounter or deal with.
Cleaning out back-logged pain opens up the space to identify what’s really going on in the present. That lets us find better ways to respond to “situations that used to baffle us” (AA Big Book Promises), finally creating a truer sense of safety.

• Just because an Emotion hurts does NOT mean it should be avoided!
Unpleasant Es such as fear, anger, jealousy or disgust prepare us mentally & physically to take immediate action against an object or situation that poses a threat. EXP:
painful EsANGER has a lot of energy to protect & preserve life – by mobilizing us, inspiring determination & creative action.
💨 Without it we don’t object to someone regularly mistreating us, so we stay & take it, wearsing down our health & our soul

FEAR is deeply rooted in all humans, supporting life by signaling danger to trigger life-preserving action
🧊 Without it we don’t notice an unsafe person, staying with them & easily becoming emotionally scarred, if not also hit, raped, wounded or killed

SADNESS is a call to slow down, stop thinking, & surrender to what we’re feeling. It suggests that we trust ourself & ‘the process’ enough to open up & be vulnerable, in order to recover from losses
😢 Without it we don’t know that we’ve missed a connection to someone or something that could have been a positive influence

Setting Boundaries (not defensive walls) is imperative to protect our physical & mental health.
To develop appropriate Bs we must have internal permission to all our needs. This requires some self-esteem – by Loving the Inner Child via the Good Parent we have access to a range of Es, which give us cues to:clarity
• who’s too close or too far away for our comfort (to feel suffocated or too lonely)
• who or what gives us the ‘icks’ in our gut when something is abusive, or ‘off‘
• what feels right for us & from whom (touch, talking, info…)
• what feels good, makes us happy, brings joy….

External Bs help define us in relation to everyone else, while also needed as physical & psychic protection. When another person’s behavior causes us harm, our emotions alert us – it we’re paying attention. Once we trust our Es & thoroughly believe it’s ok to speak up for ourself, we can let others know what’s acceptable & what’s not.  Bs can help us choose who we want to spend time with, have sex with, work with, marry …..

Internal Bs are just as important.
🔸 They help keep the PP (Negative Introject) voice from battering us into over-working, perfectionism, S-H…..
🔸 Bs are also needed to prevent the WIC from running the show all by itself, by building the ‘Unit’.
🔸Bs allow us to step back from the force of our damage, actually putting the Child & PP voices outside of ourself – ie. detaching with compassion.  This makes it possible to cope with emotional stressors that come from these 2 ego states by putting their intensity & distortions in perspective.

NEXT: PREdicting Behavior

PURPOSE of Emotions: COMMUNICATION (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

IT’S GOOD TO SHARE MY FEELINGS –
it keeps me connected

PREVIOUS: Purpose – COMMUNICATION, #1

 

1. SOCIAL NEEDS (cont)
a. BASICS
b. HOW & WHEN

c. EMOTIONS affect COMMUNICATION
• FACTS are a type of communication ‘channel’ for presenting ideas, plans & goal. Info stated clearly ensures that we’ll be correctly understood.
But communication also has an EMOTIONAL channel.  Es change people’s outlook on facts, so someone who’s sad tends to see problems as risks in the world, while a happy person mainly sees opportunities & potential rewards

• We signal our Es via verbal & nonverbal language (“Emotions & the Body”posts). When there’s a difference between the 2, observers usually respond to the nonverbal portion. Es help us communicate with others:
∇ We can talk about a painful experience in a calm, rational ways – but show distress on our face or with body language – & we’ll get a response to the visual cues first
∇ If we look sad or hurt, someone may think we’re signaling for help, & an angry face will tend to keep others away.having an effect

Why we don’t Communicate Es:
Protecting Others: afraid we could hurt or upset someone
Social Expectations: which shape how we feel & express them
Social or Professional Roles: If it’s not appropriate, based on our role or position
Vulnerability: not wanting to give others info that could affect how they see us

• Being social creatures, clear expressions of emotion have an automatic effect on others, & healthy people are interested in the emotional state of those they care about.

When deeply into a certain mood, elated or depressed, others will be able to picked that up rather quickly.
Talking to someone who’s depressed can make us feel depressed too. When talking to someone who’s happy & confident we might notice that we feel good about ourself as well – but both are short-term

This inter-active response is especially obvious when someone famous & charismatic comes in to a room – everyone’s drawn to their emotional energy, even before the person says anything.
It’s also why we feel scared watching horror movies, seeing actors portraying fear through gestures & facial expressions

d. COMMUNICATION affects EMOTIONS
Every communication has an emotional context & sub-context, which can be used to create emotional responses in others.  News media, powerful speakers & successful advertisers embed key emotional phrases in their presentations, knowing it’s an effective way to manipulate their audience.

😗 But we also consciously let ourselves be moved by things we know are untrue – seen by how avidly we gobble up all kinds of fantasy media, because of the emotional impact it has on us. The best works of fiction not only communicate interesting ideas but also pull at our heart-strings

Communication is always wrapped in some Emotion :
• If you talk about your extensive accomplishments in a dull, flat voice, the audience will loose interest and not take you seriously
OR they may get worried, wondering what’s wrong with you, since you should be expressing joy, excitement & pride – not disinterest
• Conversely, an enthusiastic salesman can spin such a clever pack of lies that we end up longing for (& buying) their worthless products (as in late-night infomercials)!

The Right kind of communication has a direct & powerful effect
i. With ourselves
• dialoguing with the WIC in a loving way will often bring calmness
• writing in a journal can organizing our thoughts & get us in touch with hidden Es
• picture having a positive conversation with someone – to solve a dispute, apologize for a difficulty, to add something we forgot or neglected to say earlier….

ii. With Others
• when we’re troubled, talking to a sympathetic person who gets us can change our mood rather quickly – even when they don’t have much to say
• a nonverbal expressions of caring – a reassuring touch, a hug, holding hands – can make us feel so much better
• when sharing an important experience we may unexpectedly get choked up, adding weight to the topic
• expressing joyful Es to others can make them feel even deeper

NEXT: Purpose of Es – Awareness, #1

ACoAs & Emotions (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-06-29 at 1.32.01 AMI CAN ALWAYS THINK of WHAT to SAY – after they walk away!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Emotions  (#1)

 

REMINDER: What they never told us was that 💗 it’s not intrinsically bad to have Emotions

WHY DO WE HATE having emotions so-o-o much? 
• we expect to be made fun of, ignored or physically punished for expressing them (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”)
• we were taught that Es are unacceptable (either specific ones or all), & we want to be ‘good’, obeying family rules as a sign of loyalty & love

• some ACoAs want to stay connected to a particular parent by copying their resistance or inability to feel
• others are determined to be the exact opposite of a dramatic or emotionally out-of-control parent

• we were never taught healthy ways to identify & deal with Es when they surfaced, so we’re convinced they’ll ‘drown’ us

• Unfortunately our culture reinforces the ‘don’t feel’ rule by telling us that:  — Es are not ‘rational’, so they can’t be relied on to tell us anything real or useful
— it’s not sophisticated, strong or admirable to be ‘emotional’ (to cry or get too upset, no matter how terrible the situation!)

• MOST of ALL – as kids we were never comforted when scared & hurt, & having no way to process our Es, over the years they accumulated in our unconscious, & now we’re terrified of opening ‘Pandora’s Box’

a. DELAYED Reactions
ACoAs are notoriously slow to catch on to how we feel emotionally – having a delayed reaction to all kinds of encounters & events, pleasurable or not. We may not realize them for a few days, weeks, even years! We do have emotions about most things, but we:too many Es
• learned early in life to deny them
• became so numb we don’t consciously know what they are
• have such negative beliefs about actually having Es
• are afraid to feel too much, because the WIC thinks it’ll kill us (or the ‘sensitive one in the family)
• never learned how to deal with uncomfortable or unacceptable Es

b. OVER / UNDER -Reactions
ACoAs IRONY: On the one hand we’re shut down, especially on those terrifying childhood Es. On the other hand we have intense emotional reactions (a melt down, blow up, fall apart, get suicidal…), to what people say or how they act to or around us.

These 2 extremes are inextricably linked:
• the more we have to sit on ALL painful Es, the more they get backed up & then Vesuvius blows
• since we’re not allowed to actually have Es, we can’t admit to having them (too ashamed), so we can’t really feel them. Then HOW can we possibly process the pain, anger, sadness, loneliness, terror….? to get them out, sharing them, get comfort & understanding???

REVIEW:
 We hate being told we’re being too dramatic about something others think is minor or trivial, because we think that means:
• we don’t have a right to be upset
• we caused our own problem, & so deserve to be punished, belittled, not respected
• that the hurtful person or situation is being let off the hook,  so we’ll never get fairness or revenge!
NONE of those are the case.  Since “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”, whenever our Es are out of proportion to an unpleasant current event, all we need to do is admit an unhealed wound is being triggered.

About Over-reacting (cont):
• Intense Es comes from the WIC, who thinks we’re still powerless to stop being controlled & abused
• Getting so upset by other people’s words & deeds means we’re still taking things personally

• It’s a clear indicator that a specific button is being pushed in us. This is useful info to cut thru denial & help with growth.
🙀 Intense emotions are the only proof we need about the abuse.
Knowing this – we can use the awareness to validate the kid’s pain, as we get another glimpse into past suffering, & stop blaming ourself for feeling loneliness & grief.

NEXT: ACoAs & Es (Part 3)