al-anon

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 5)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

WHEN I’M CONFUSED
it’s OK to ask for help

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#4)

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
2. SIMPLIFY // 3. PRIORITIZE

4. OPTIONS (cont)
THE “LAW”: Being trapped as kids in endlessly dire situations without any possible ‘out’ left ACoAs with the Toxic Rule: “If you don’t like it you have to stay”. Controlling parents also taught us: “It’s MY way or the highway”  & “Who do you think you are?”.  Not only were we not allowed to leave bad situations, but we shouldn’t think for ourselves or disobey the ruling demigods – lest we be destroyed!

• That is how the WIC actually experienced our parent(s): as ‘gods’, and so disobedience = our death. If that seems extreme, imagine the terror in a small child trying to defy the angry, abusive authoriparents as godty.

OR, remember the intensity of your anxiety, as an adult, when you’ve said NO to a parent or mate, or tied something totally our of your comfort zone. Haven’t yet?  As long as we still hold these crippling beliefs we have little or no wiggle room, making it hard >to >impossible to take effective actions

EXP: Shona’s father had given her a few of his extra tools to use in her first apartment after college. 20 yrs later she was still struggling to making do with them for every repair job, no matter how unsuited they were for a particular task!

Eventually Shona realized this was a metaphor for the way she lived the rest of her life, & decided to work on expanding her sense of possibilities – starting at the most practical, undramatic level. Occasionally she’ll stop in a hardware store & just LOOK at the huge variety of items – each made for a specific operation!
Imagine making life easier by having the right tool!

APPLY this to all areas of life – & start by finding out what’s available – what are your options in a given situation. While there are realistic limits to our capacities & to what we can afford, they’re NOT nearly as narrow as we believe.  Of course with Amazon, eBay, Google…. – just about anything can be delivered!😀 Anyway – in T.E.A. terms, Emotions also come in a wide range, many ways to Think about something & a variety of ways to DO things.

The latter can certainly apply to small daily choices like what to wear or eat —> all the way to big ones like where to live, which job & relationship to pick or stay in…. One teacher repeats month after month: “Don’t be negative, just be open!” – a new rule to live by.

5. INVENTORIES
a. Venn Diagram Inventory
PURPOSE: to get an overview of where you stand on any aspect of your life right now
USE: You can make the chart into a collage, use the computer or just free-hand it on a large sheet of paper

The biggest circle (Spirituality) is the background to our whole life.

EACH person’s Diagram will look different.
If you’re ambitious or curious, you can make one for where you were 10 or 20 yrs ago, as a comparison.

• Think about all the areas of your life, & decide their relevant importance to you at present. Change or add any not listed.
• Draw / cut the size circle for each topic as it relates to their current importance

• Play with the positions of circles…. change them around until the chart feels right. Place them close to, overlapping or far away from each other, depending on how they connect in real life

• Label circles, & draw lines to form pie wedges in each one.
— You decide how many lines (slices) based on how many problems & victories for each – you’ll probably have to guess-timate
IMP: each slice represents an issue related to the circle’s topic

a. Fill in a slice for any aspect of that topic you’re confident you have a good handle on(never perfectly)
EXP: No longer use drugs & alcohol

b. Zig-zag or cross hatch slices that are aspects you’re still working on but making progress. The degree of progress in one may be different than in another slice. Make zig-zag density accordingly
EXP: Get to places on time more often

AND THEN: Most likely there will always be one or more empty slices – representing:
c. Grey– things about a topic you know need correcting / a change but are not ready / willing to tackle

d. Blank– problems / challenges about that topic you simply don’t know you need to work on – yet

NEXT: What to do…. #6

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS: what to do when…. #3

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
2. SIMPLIFY

3. PRIORITIZE
In most of our families – every experience carried equal weight – always boring & unavailable OR dramatic & dangerous. So we never got a chance to learn ‘sane’ ways of accomplishing things, which would include: Having options, nuances & small chunks…. (Part 2),
AND —
Prioritizing activities – what needs to be done, & in what order?
1. Most urgent first (a health issue, work project, returning a call….)
2. Housekeeping, maintenance – pick one thing each day & do it
3. Relaxation, entertainment & hobby – pick one thing a week & do it

When there are several tasks, ask yourself:
= What will take the longest to do? How much time do I have right now?
= What’s the hardest for me? Will I need help to accomplish it?
= Do I have to decide something right now? or have time to consider
= Which one will I have to study for, & what’s the purpose?

OR ask the boss : immediately (past due), in the near future (this month), in the next few months, or whenever you can fit it in. Al-anon teaches us to ask: “How important is it?”- literally!compulsion

• This can be hard for ACoAs to answer—
— if the goal, task, activity… is strictly for ourselves. After all, no self-respecting co-dependent is self-motivated 😟. We can move mountains for others but not even a pebble for ourselves!
— AND when the I.C. has a lot of anxiety & wants to do something – immediately, the self-destructive way, to douse the fires of old terror

• Will taking this action AND/OR spending this money create problems in taking care of my other needs ? (protecting my kid from more abandonment & abuse, caring for my health, paying rent, food, meds or other bills)
• If the answer is YES – then think twice about taking that action.  If the impulse is very strong, call someone who can help you deal with the painful EMOTIONS behind the anxiety pushing you. Do an Al-Anon phone meeting, pray or meditate, go to the gym, read soothing literature, take a walk ….

Once you’ve been able to made a priority list, only do one thing on it – especially if that’s all the time you have. If that one thing also needs to be cut down into chunks, do one & then mark it off.
Seeing tasks ticked off can be satisfying, & encourages us to do continue, the next day / next time. High powered executives only to a few things at the top of their list every day. Of course most of us don’t have a staff to do the little stuff, but REMEMBER – without inner conflict most things take a lot of less time than we think!

4. OPTIONS
One of the many reasons ACoAs have trouble making decisions is that we either don’t know that we have alternative choices, or we’re not allowed to make use of any options we’re aware of. We’re stuck following a pre-set course & nothing else is possible – for us!

EXP: It always amazed Bonita that some women could just walk out on a date if they didn’t like how it was going – more than one women in a restaurant has excused herself “to the bathroom” & then snuck out the back. What a concept!
In her younger days she never would have thought of that, much less done it. As a small child she was trapped in many situations, forced to sit alone in a church pew, at a dinner table, in a stranger’s home – without moving or causing trouble. “Children should be seen & not heard”.

• ACoAs are known for only thinking in B & W. Our traumatized WIC still doesn’t know there are ‘gray’ areas/ possibilities, & certainly doesn’t believe there are any actual positive, pleasant, safe options for us. We see ALL situations & people asscary, that have to be white-washed to make tolerable, because we aren’t allowed to leave when they really are bad for us. “Should I get a divorce or have a dinner party?” asked one very distraught ACoA woman. Hmmm.

NEXT: What  to DO when… (#3)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: What to do …(Part 2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

💠 ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION (cont)
1. GOALS
Before anything else we need to know what our goal is. Oh no! That means having permission, knowing our needs & letting our ADULT choose the actions.
What’s your bottom line GOAL? Are you pursuing it or still protecting your Negative Benefits?  EXPs:
• re. GOING OUT: is it to stop being so lonely & risk being disappointed, but maybe gain friendship, good info, new opportunities ….
OR is it to protect yourself at all cost by hiding out & continue starving!?

• re. WORK: is it to do a job search, no matter how long it takes, to find something more suitable & better paying
OR stay in a place you’ve outgrown or hate, so you don’t have to make the effort of improving your life?

• re. SELF-CARE: is it to gain a sense of personal power & get needs met (no matter how small),
OR is it to wait endlessly for someone else to come along & rescue you?

• re. ASKING QUESTIONS: is it to get help, knowledge, attention….
OR is it having to always be right, to know everything, to be ‘self-sufficient’?

• re. STANDING UP for yourself: is it to get a need met, without anger
OR suffer in silence & stay resentful?

• re. RELATIONSHIPS: is it to work toward & eventually leave a dead-end or destructive relationship that continually hurts you (even tho it may bring up pain in the short-term – but in the end be a relief, an opportunity to heal & the freedom to choose better next time)
OR is it to stay endlessly, & be in denial that it keeps adding to your low self-esteem, generates more humiliation, anger, sadness….?

2. SIMPLIFY
Small chunks – practice chopping down any task into bite size actions, based on what you can swallow at the moment. ACoAs are in the habit of being overwhelmed by goals in general, & by some that no one can possibly do all at once, but for some insane reason we think we should be able to!
In spite of the fact that current reality is usually not as grim as our childhood was – we still opt for staying overwhelmed rather than simplify whatever is going on in the present, right?

terrifiedClearly – that attitude comes from the WIC’s beliefs–
• who is terrified of breaking any of the Toxic family Rules because if we actually got things accomplished & our needs met via reasonably sized actions – that would trigger the ‘inevitable’ punishment of abandonment, from family or anyone else (RULES: “Must always struggle but never get there”, “Don’t outshine us”, “All risks are dangerous”)….
AND
• who is still convinced we don’t know how to do anything! since we were expected to know & do all sort of impossible things even as very small children, without anyone bothering to show us how or being a good example! Many of us got the message “Just do it!”

EXP: Anyone remember the 1980’s TV show “The Greatest American Hero”?  A high school teacher was given a super-hero costume by aliens, with the manual, which he lost in the shock of the encounter. Each episode was about how he had to figure out how to use the suit & all the trouble it / he caused because he didn’t know how it worked. Sounds a lot like our lives!
BUT
• who refuses to acknowledge all the years of accumulated knowledge & experience we HAVE gathered along the way since those early harrowing days, because then he/she would lose an excuse for waiting to be rescued!

NEXT: What to do when….. #4

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

ONCE I HAVE ENOUGH INFO –
I can make a better decision

PREVIOUS: Confusion – Growth #5c

SITE: “A Cure for Confusion”

See ACRONYM page for abbrev

SUGGESTION: save “My Rights” & “New Rules” posts to all devices, & read them every day until they become second-nature

Reminder : Confusion (C) is a mental state – not an emotional one, even tho we usually say “I feel confused”. We can be confused about emotions – but that’s from not knowing how to think about / understand them. (See ACoAs & Confusion #1)

ACTIONS: UNRAVELING CONFUSION
FIRST – on no account beat yourself up for anything you have or have not been able to do. It’s not productive – AND it’s child abuse! Never expect yourself to have the PERFECT answer, or DO the perfect thing. EVER!

This topic is about behavior – the problem of not knowing which option to choose when in a dilemma. It can be:
– relatively small, short-term or a daily occurrence
– something you’ve been struggling with for a long time
– something that has surfaced in your life recently
– a really serious, life-altering choice you need to make

• Al-Anon says:
“Take the action & let go of the results”, another hard thing for ACoAs to do. ‘Letting go’ is not in our vocabulary. Because of the WIC’s fear that the whole world is unsafe – like our family – we try to control every outcome.

BUT danger is not the only possibility now, in spite of all the bad things that do happen in the world, which we can’t fix.
Not EVERY situation or person is safe (idealized) NOR dangerous (devalued). We can search out good people & positive circumstances once the WIC & PP are no longer in charge!

EXP: Telling someone you don’t want to do something, or forgetting to make a call…. is NOT as dangerous as walking alone thru the Central Park at night, or depending on a narcissist – for anything…. Unfortunately, many of us are more afraid of the former than the latter!

• Train yourself to ASK, ASK, ASK for info about things you don’t know, & to clarify who other people are, how they think, what they meant by a comment, what they want (from you), what they have already done or are planning to do about a problem of theirs…..

• Stay present – watch & listen – pay attention to how others do things, what their motives are, what alternatives they have made use of… & consider whether any of it can be applied to your life. Then try it out. This is not just to be a copy-cat.

Whatever you observe has to be tailored to who you are.
The best way to learn how you function in the world is by trial & error – once you have enough info & a decent support system to guide you. Try out 2-3 different ways to say or do something, & then evaluate the results

• In most cases you can change your mind before or even during an activity without major repercussions, so decisions don’t have to be written in stone. Keep a dated log of difficult actions you took, & the outcomes.
ALWAYS have PLAN B. in case Plan A. doesn’t work out.

• IF you still can’t take a particular action, keep working on:
– negative beliefs, & the anxiety they create
– the connection to your PP (too strong) AND
– with your WIC & HEALTHY CHILD (not strong enough)
– validating your needs & hopes, while practicing with boundaries

EXERCISE: To separate & identify confusing / conflicting Emotions : stop, breath deeply & feel the sensation in your body – what’s authentic for you about the situation?  (More….) and (More...) and (More….)

NEXT: What to DO…. (Part 2)

What to DO when CONFUSED (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, HEAL & GROW for ACoAs, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

PREVIOUS : Recovery Confusion (#5c)

SITE: Confusing communicators

REVIEW – See posts: “ACoAs & Confusion” —  not due to mental or physical diseases (brain damage, Alzheimers, psychosis, depression…..)


DEF: Any time we have trouble sorting out 2 or more conflicting / opposing : points of view, rules, options, desires, experiences, needs.
Being torn between the facts as we know them AND a resolution we can’t see or find, (being sure about the facts) because we don’t understand our environment.

Can be caused by:
• getting too much information at the same time
• learninScreen Shot 2015-07-20 at 4.54.04 PMg something new, & not knowing how yet (this or that?)
• absolutely not understanding some info, communication, instruction, expectation…
• not knowing what to do because of —
– having too many desirable options, but can’t do them all
– not allowed (internally) to admit what you really want to do
– not knowing yourself well enough, & so – afraid to make the wrong choice & then have regrets

EMOTIONS (Es)
You’re confused about how you feel – emotionally. You wonder :
= “Am I angry or scared? I shouldn’t be upset about the way that clerk talked to me, like I was dumb, but I am upset about having such a strong reaction…..

= I’m feeling sad & relieved at the same time about the breakup. Am I crazy?”…..
NO – not crazy, it’s just normal human complexity. Having a variety, even simultaneous contradictory Es is common, especially when considering that each Ego State has it’s own & they often disagree

EXP: Carla came to the party on her own, & wondering who all these people were. After a while she found herself talking with 2 older out-of-town business men, obviously colleagues & obviously married. They were charming, friendly & amusing – telling funny ‘war stories’  & how they’ve helped each other at work. Carla was having a good time laughing with them, genuinely enjoying their company.

At the same time, she felt sad inside, & checking with her inner child, “Little C” said she was sad because then the party was over she’d be going home alone & missing the fun!”

COMMUNICATION
WORST – severe Narcissists are dangerously confusing. They’ll crush any attempt you (target/victim) may make to figure out their agenda – to keep you constantly walking on eggshells, emotionally off balance & mentally confused (feeling crazy). Narcissists always need to be in control of every situation, & react accordingly to keep you in line

SECOND: those who knowingly leave out important info about themselves – that you need to know (married man, ex-con, addict….), or crucial info about a situation they’re in

OTHES Confusers – so you never know where they stand, where you stand with them, what they want….. They’re the ones who:
– talk a lot, but never say anything of substance (shallow)
– sound like they’re trying to tell you something – especially when upset – but just beat around the bush & never get to their point
– only respond in non-sequiturs that have nothing to do with what you’re saying
– lecture, pontificate…with no emotional content
(11 Posts: ‘ACoAs & Confusion‘)

LANGUAGE (T)
Most people are sloppy in their use of words & phrases, causing much confusion. (See post “Sayings that Misrepresent“)

❎ The most common is the word -FEEL- to mean 3 different states – physical, emotional & mental .(See post “Feelings aren’t facts”
• Repeating words they don’t know the actual meaning of (co-dependent, introvert – when they mean shy…. )
• Using a word that sounds like another but with totally different meaning (flamingo instead of flamenco)

• Misusing words (that’s schizophrenic, your crazy, pathological… ) when we’re angry at someone
• Vague words, usually about some emotional state, but unspecified (upset, triggered, off, out of it, acting weird, not themselves…. ).
Is the person unusually angry, sad, scared, nervous, withdrawn, unusually angry, cranky… ?

• Using this word as a pejorative, “Don’t be so emotional, women are too emotional…” by which someone means they’re angry or crying.
BUT emotions come in a wide range of colors.
Why can’t “they’re being emotional” also mean “they’re so excited, thrilled, happy-shocked….!” ?? And yes, maybe even crying a little!

NEXT: What to do …#2

ACoAs & CONFUSION – Growth (Part 5c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth


PREVIOUS: Recovery  (#5b)

SITE: Neuro-marketing: The Science of Decision Making

QUOTE: I simply can’t build my hopes on a foundation of confusion, misery & death….I think…peace & tranquility will return again” ~ Anne Frank (Jewish German-Dutch diarist)


‼️REVERSING life-long Confusion (cont)
4. Grow the ADULT/PARENT
5. RESOLVE internal CONFLICTS
6. Take SOME Action

7. OUTCOMES
They are by definition, about the future, whether 5 seconds or 5 yrs from now. But ACoAs want to know how everything is going to turn out NOW, to quell a little of our enormous anxiety. We assume that without our vigilance & interference (control) we’ll always be in danger (lose), as in childhood.

What danger?
• Aa kids we were treated equally harsh – for spilling the milk, not knowing how to do math, talking back, stealing something, fighting…..
No nuances, no degrees of value, no room for a lack of info or experience, for accidents, human error, or just being a kid. The unfairness & lack of proportion was very confusing – and enraging!

• In the present, ACoAs continue to give the same importance to all situations & all outcomes. This causes confusion which can paralyze.

a. Responsibility – We do need to step up – for ourselves, so our efforts have at least a chance of being favorable. How well things turn out generally depends on having healthy beliefs & ‘right’ actions – from the UNIT – plus helpful outside forces.

Many times :
i. NEW-ish: we can make an educated guess about the outcome of an unfamiliar date, meeting or event. This is not mind-reading, projection or wishful thinking.
Rather, such ‘predictions’ are based on logic, knowing what’s real & sane, intuition, education, & many previous experiences
But having been taught to deny all of these – we rarely use them – for ourselves

ii. REPEAT: If we’ve been through a particular situation several / many times, AND are willing to acknowledge what we’ve observed & felt, we can give up poor choices without a lot of agonizing, like:
• NOT going to an abusive parent for emotional comfort, ever again
• NOT dating an addict or other narcissist, again
• NOT taking another job that doesn’t suit our talents & goals
• NOT-not dealing with our money / bills wisely….

b. Control – However, here are things in life we’re not responsible for! – mainly what others think & do. And many situations we can’t manipulate or predict the outcome of.
i. UNKNOWABLE: things we can’t control or predict, because we’re not all-powerful, as some ‘spiritual’ or philosophical teachings insist. Even very ‘psychic / sensitive’ people don’t have all the answers!

We usually can’t know things like  —
• if medical tests, procedures or medicines will give us answers, will heal or harm us
• how everyone else (or us) is going to react when pushed to their limit
• when we’re going to met the ‘right one’unknown path
• how our children will turn out, really
• whether cold-calling will get us business
• when we’re going to die (usually) ….

ii. UNKNOWABLE: when we don’t have any or enough info about something ahead of time, like how a new experience is going to turn out (first time in a group, moving to a new job or location…. ), what value we’ll get from taking a class, how our relationship will work out in the long run, where Recovery will take us in life….

ACoAs believe we’re supposed know everything – and perfectly, & feel ashamed or self-hating when we don’t. This is narcissistic magical thinking which sends many ACoAs into a panic, even paralysis, because the WIC assumes if we’re powerless we’ll always suffer, as in childhood

EXP: Whatever you may think of the Kardashians, Kim’s comments to Oprah about the ‘reason’ her 1st marriage broke up after 2 1/2 months speaks to the lack of info: she said they had never spent time alone with each other, so once they were under the same roof every day, she realized they were NOT at all compatible.

• This can remind us that most situations – especially relationships – need to be researched more thoroughly before jumping in. So we’re back to: “Take the action & let go of the result”, or – do the best you can & learn from each outcome. Look before you leap! LACK of INFO can certainly lead to CONFUSION.

NEXT: What to do when confused #1

ACoAs & CONFUSION – Growth (Part 5b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

PREVIOUS: Recovery Confusion (#5a)

SITE: 🔺 “Overcoming Anxiety & Confusion”
🔺 Uncertainty and Cognitive Control

🔺 “8 Ways to Eliminate Brain Fog Once & For All”

QUOTE:”Good communication is the bridge between confusion & clarity” ∼ Nat Turner (slave rebel leader)

A Zen Buddhism story
Two monks were walking along the banks of a river. They saw a young woman who was afraid to cross. Although the monks had taken vows never to touch a woman, the older monk picked her up and carried her to the other side of the river. The younger monk was angry about it all day.
The two didn’t speak until sunset, when they were allowed to break their vow of silence.
Then the angry younger monk accused the older monk of polluting not only himself but also the whole order. The older monk simply answered, “I put the woman down on the other side of the river early this morning. It is only you who have been carrying her around throughout the day.”

REVERSING life-long Confusion (cont)
1. Learn to apply Logic // 2. Get more info

3. Get VALIDATION
Because our parents provided no mirroring or very distorted feedback about who we are, we think we’re invisible – both internally toconflicted ourselves (“I don’t know who I am”), & externally to others (“No one gets me”).
As adults we can reverse this training by risking what we fear the most – any form of abandonment.

4. Grow the ADULT/PARENT ego states
Since our internal confusion comes mainly from the PP & WIC, we need to form & strengthen the UNIT so that it can be the decision-making voice.

Posts: Book-ending // Problem-solving // My rights // Why are you stuck?
USE: relevant books, YouTube, 12-step Programs, spiritual groups, therapy …. to learn what’s normal & healthy.

5. RESOLVE internal CONFLICTS
‘Being stuck’ always includes intense internal conflicts we don’t know how to resolve, or are unwilling to do the Recovery work it would take. They are mainly in the form of frustrating disagreements – between the WIC (obeying the PP) & the UNIT, or the Unit fighting against the PP’s injunctions – between old damage & new Mental Health

The goal of Recovery is to get the PP completely separated from the WIC, so that both Healthy & Wounded parts of the Inner Child can align themselves with our healthy Adult/Parent.
STEPS
a. List real Needs (Parts 1 & 2) of each ego state – not the WIC’s outrageous demands (Part 3). ‘Normal’ childhood needs: acceptance, approval, attention, emotional comfort, physical contact, security & stimulation

b. Write down conflicts between the various opposing ego states
c. Inner Selves must agree to help each other get those needs met, brainstorming as many ideas as possible

• When Loving Parent & Inner Child are on the same page about any given subject (shutting out the PP) – the conflict melts away & useful choices seem self-evident. Whatever actions we’ve been dragging our feet about suddenly are easy to do, & usually don’t take much time. But when we’re deep in our damage, all our time is spent obsessing, worrying, planning, complaining… but NOT acting

6. Take SOME Action
Once we’re ready to focus on taking some kind of appropriate action, we can consider the next part of the process.
It may be something we’ve been thinking about for a long time but couldn’t move on, or something shifted in us so we formed a new way of thinking about the problem, which quickly translates into a new way of functioning.
*️⃣You don’t have to know if the action will lead you where you want to end up. But it can tell you if you’re on the right track or not

• Break down potential tasks into bite-size pieces – called process
• Identify the ones you know how to do, & the ones you don’t – & get the missing info
• Choose the simplest action you can & take it – one phone call, one evening class, one hour of internet searches….
• Don’t give up. It’s OK to take breaks but then start again & keep trying new things. It can eliminate some confusion & you’ve possibly learned something along the way (More….)

NEXT: Confusion – Growth #5c

ACoAs & CONFUSION – Growth (Part 5a)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help ,

getting cleamerPREVIOUS: Recovery (#4c)

SITEs: “How to face Confusing Thoughts”

QUOTE : “There are few things more powerful than a life lived with passionate clarity.” ∼   Erwin McManus (iconoclast, artist, cultural thought-leader)


REVERSING life-long Confusion
It’s normal to be confused sometimes, & sometimes to NEED guidance. It’s when any of the situations listed in previous posts shows up at either extreme – too much or too little that we know something’s off. (see lists of “Unhealthy & Healthy Opposites,” in Part 4)

Externally: The main way we get confused is when others are unclear in any way (see Part 3d) and from Double Messages

Internally: While we can never know everything, it’s imperative that we start with ‘I know what I know’.
Clear thinking does not preclude or ignore INTUITION, which is based on subliminal or unconscious info we’ve gathered along the way. We need all parts of logical reasoningour knowledge base, from all 4 PMES levels.

1. Learn to apply LOGIC
INDUCTIVE reasoning – (bottom-up logic / scientific method): observe something & then use it to form a conclusion
EXP: Joe drinks a lot on a consistent basis, & when drunk he gets mean. You can logically assume that he is going to continue this way – for some unknown time.
THEREFORE it’s safe to say that – at present – he’s not good partner/ mate/ friend material, no matter how charming & clever he is the rest of the time when not drunk!

The problem for ACoAs is NOT that we’re not smart or observant enough to do this, BUT rather that we’ve been brainwashed to not observe &  trust our perception & experiences.
Denial is our default position. (See #3a).
But when we allow ourselves to see present-day reality using Adult eyes, we come to realize how crazy & bad things really were for us as kids – & in many of our adult relationships. This can be painful at first, but ends up being empowering – as we stop obeying the PP & be our own person!

DEDUCTIVE reasoning – (top-down logic) starts with an idea, belief, premise (X) – which we assume to be true, using general rules of logic, which hold true within a specific framework. IF & only IF the premise if correct, deduction provides absolute proof of our conclusion.

IF a premise is unproven or unprovable, it must be accepted at face value, on faith, or for the purpose of exploration. (More...), even when we don’t like the answer (The Serenity Prayer).
EXPs of X: All ‘men’ are mortal (philosophy) / I have inalienable rights (psychology) / God exists & is good (religion, faith). (More….. )logic

• Based on (X), we can consider what else might be true (Y), making rational & generally accepted observations, proceeding to an IF-THEN conclusion (Z), reached by generalizing or extrapolating from our initial statement. Some (X) premises can be proven (re. mortals), others cannot (re. God):

EXP a: If God is real & is good (X), then He watches over me (Y), & therefore I am protected (Z)

EXP b: X – all mothers always love their children
Y – I have / had a mother (reality)
Z – therefore my mother loves me (her child)
Of course, this second ‘X’ is not true, since not all mothers love their children. Y is true, but Z is not a guaranteed outcome!

2. Get more INFO
EXTERNAL Decisionslearn logic
Define the issue or problem you want to clarify. Try to formulate it honestly, even if you have to sleep on it.
ASK:
What is your Adult / True Self’s goal? What outcome do you want? Is it realistic?  What’s your motivation?
Write everything out & if you need help – ask someone trustworthy (sane) to review it with you.

INTERNAL Decisions
a. Make notes of all the conflicting points of view on a subject that’s making you ‘feel crazy’. Then put it aside & come back later. Ask someone to review it with you.

b. Try to identify the emotions under the mental confusion / resistance:
— you may already know the answer to a problem, but afraid to go for it
— the angry PP or hopeless WIC is stopping you, each having their own agenda for not wanting to proceed….

NEXT: Confusion #5b

ACoAs &CONFUSION – in Recovery (Part 4c)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth

PREVIOUS : Confusion #4b

SITE: “What to do when unclear, confused ….”

QUOTEs: “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak. ~ Hans Hofmann, German artist

• “However confused the scene of our life appears… it can be faced, & we can go on to be whole” ~ Muriel Rukeyser, American writer 1913-1980

RECOVERY CONFUSION is NORMAL (cont)
c. what we know vs don’t know
d. because of incongruity

e. family influences
What are ACoAs primarily ADDICTED to? Our family!
They installed our buttons & they can push them all too easily – any time we’re in contact with them. BUT not forever! Recovery does provide relief with S & I.

However, until then, dealing with our family (especially parents) means we can still be influenced by their dis-ease :
• In recovery, part of what confused us is that we underplay / deny how great our damage really is. Assuming it “wasn’t that bad” makes it harder to appreciate how much work it takes to heal
• The WIC wants to be loyal to them to not feel abandoned & to not abandon them! “I have to listen to my family. They KNOW.  I’m wrong & they’re right…..”

recovery confusionAll of this creates internal conflict (dissonance), having one foot in the old & one in the new – about ideas, patterns, awarenesses, choices… old introject (PP) tapes still blaring their poison, competing with the new info we’ve been learning. Very confusing. Who should we listen to?

We keep wondering: “What’s true? Am I just feeling my parents’ pain for them – so they don’t have to (because they don’t want to)? Am I just feeling sorry for myself? Am I depressed?  Why can’t I get it? There are so many versions of ‘health’, & what about Spirituality & Forgiveness? Aren’t I supposed to turn the other cheek, take the high road?….”

Any time we get stuck in some area of life – we want to do it differently, but can’t seem to move – it means we’re in serious conflict – & the negative side is winning. Then we have to find out what the PP & WIC are thinking & feeling, so we can identify the “Negative Benefit” of not moving forward.
As we stay on the Path to mental health, we begin to experience our own Inner Truth. With the right info & support these Qs are answered & things get clearer.

f. because of the contrast – between:
• the way we were treated by our family & other abandoning, abusive, neglectful, torturing adults (school, religion, caretakers…)
vs.
• the way healthy, respectful, kind, loving PPT treat us – in the present – once we have enough self-esteem to place ourselves in saner situations.

contrast confusionThis new way of being treated is a tectonic shift & represents our growth! But at first the contrast just doesn’t compute, doesn’t feel real, can’t last, is an accident….

Our discomfort with ‘goodness’ points out the severity of the early abuse & neglect, which brings up rage & sorrow. Eventually we come to live ‘in the light’ of the positive, which then becomes the new norm!

CAUTION: S & I is very scary to the WIC, & intensely resisted by our PP. So, as we move away from damaged thinking & acting, there’s a strong pull to revert! The Program reminds us that our ‘disease’ is “cunning, baffling & insidious!”
It’s as if it has a life of it’s own & doesn’t want to be left behind.

SO – practice disobeying the Toxic family Rules – no matter how confusing. When we backslide / regress – we do NOT have to stay there! We will feel guilty at first, but that will pass as we keep up the self-care.

So, even when we hear the old tapes, they won’t be as loud – most of the time. We may still get confused occasionally, but now we have new tapes with better info, & slowly we get less trapped between loyalty to the family vs. loyalty to ourselves!

NEXT: Confusion #4d

ACoAs &CONFUSION – in Recovery (Part 4b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

 PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Confusion (#4a)

 

RECOVERY CONFUSION is NORMAL (cont)
a. during any transition
b. when learning anything new

c. what we know vs don’t know
This kind of ‘not knowing’ is an indication of growth, the confusion part of any issue we’re working on (career, relationships, self-care….), & will be to different degrees for each. Our reactions will be too little AND too much :

i. Too Independent
With little or no guidance as kids, many of us are used to doing everything ourselves. What we can’t figure out – we do without! Even in Recovery we still believe we’re supposed to know everything, making it hard to:no thanks
• reach out for comfort, guidance & information
• make an effort to see what else is possible in the real world
• try out a variety of new ways to do things
• be OK with making mistakes or having to try many different options before find the right answer or right fit

We were trained to believe we’re supposed to be self-sufficient – both emotionally (“Don’t bother me / don’t be such a baby….”), & how things are done (“You figure it out / should know that”)…. without anyone’s help. So no matter how confused we are – we don’t want to look dumb or make a fool of ourselves.

EXP: You take a college course on a subject you know very little about, maybe just for credit, or because it’s of interest. But you don’t really understand the material & find that you’re floundering. You get the sinking feeling you’re missing something everyone else understands but you don’t know what.

So, as a ‘good’ ACoA we beat ourselves up – either we should already know the info OR be able to figure it out (“I guess I’m just too dumb”). But how can we? The whole point of taking a class is to learn what we don’t know! Believing otherwise feeds S-H.
This issues applies to work, relationships, self-growth…..

Having trouble understanding something means you:
• are rushing the learning process
• don’t have enough facts about the lesson or situation you’re in
• are trying to do too much, or everything at the same time
• are trying to use ‘graduate level‘ info before being solid in the fundamentals
ii. vs. Too Dependent (longing for symbiosis, someone to take care of us so we don’t have to).  Actually – there are many thing we DO know – and have always known, even as little kids. But we’ve been brain-washed by family (& sometimes church & society) to deny it, so it gets pushed it away or completely forgotten. The internal conflict makes us feel crazy. (“I know / I don’t know”)

We feel too lost & afraid to trust our own judgement, common sense or experience, so we constantly, compulsively ask others for info & help, even when we actually know the answer or what to do —
• as a way to stay dependent on others, esp. on authority figures
• trying to get validation because we don’t believe in our knowledge & intuition
• from being taught (usually by a religion) that talking about -even- legitimate knowledge & accomplishments is arrogant, presumptuous or the sin of pride

It’s true that we have many cognitive distortions (CDs) learned from family, BUT ACoAs are very smart & perceptive. We need to recapture the many truths we’ve suppressed & ignored for so long. It will UN-confuse us. REMEMBER: “I know what I know – but I don’t have to / can’t know everything ”.

d. because of incongruity.  DEF – when something is “strange, becausinconsistenciese it doesn’t agree with common principles, or what is usually expected”
CONGRUOUS: exhibits harmony in it’s logic parts, has internal & external consistency, is perceived by others as sincere or certain

For ACoAs, incongruity has to do with anything we’re thinking (CDs) or doing which conflicts with how the real world works. This is similar to ‘Old Patterns’ (‘Confusion-Part 3b, #g). When we try to function from our historical training in ‘normal’ relationships or work settings – we don’t get the response we expect or want, so we get confused – and we confuse others.

In Recovery – the main incongruity, at least internally, is between the False Self (wounded Adapted Child) & the fledgling True Self (healthy ‘UNIT’), how we’ve always reacted vs new ways we’re learning to apply.

NEXT: Confusion (Part 4c)