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POST: “Unhealthy vs Healthy Family Rules“
🤬 The adults we grew up with were internally powerless (cont)
a. About Them // b. Toward Us
c.🔒IN US – some RESULTS from not being allowed to have an effect on ‘them’ in childhood :
• Procrastination – ACoAs use various excuses for putting off decisions & actions. The underlying reason is the WIC’s sense of powerlessness, translated into endless obsessions + hopeless apathy
• Lack of self-motivation – An ACoA double bind:
🧸 We have legitimate needs & desires that will not go away, no matter how hard we try to deny or ignore them
IRONY : ▪︎ On the one one hand, we assume everyone is like our family – that no one will ever see, hear or care about us – so there’s no way they’ll meet any of our needs
▪︎ On the other hand is co-dependence. Based on our assumption that we don’t have the power or permission to provide the needs ourself (we’re not worthy), we keep looking for other people to approve, validate & motivate us to function! Talk about a double bind!
🌺 RECOVERY: A person’s subjective feeling of confidence & power comes from a realistic sense of achievement, efficacy & usefulness – which can & are making a difference.
We can modify or undo our WIC’s brain-wash, correcting the false belief that we’re ‘forever powerless to have any effect in the world’
👨👦all thru the day – giving the young Inner Child hugs & strokes – who is mainly scared , & just sitting quietly near the older one – who is mainly angry, so they know they’re not forgotten.
This is especially useful when you’re busy or don’t yet know how to communicate very well with them .
✍️ regularly using “Bookending with your Inner Child” to prove that we do have an impact on others by our actions AND non-actions, bringing the ‘younger us’ into the present
✍️ daily doing -at least- a little 2-handed writing with one or more ages of your Inner Child (possible ages : 5-6, 12-13 & 17-19), not only when something bothers you, but about anything that’s happening that day – pleasant, unpleasant or just interesting.
☆ Make sure it’s a dialogue, not a monolog telling them what you think, & not letting them talk.
🚙 going to 12-Step meetings, reading recovery books, the blog & your Bible, & praying. These are to strengthen your Adult so you can take better care of the kids. (Review the tasks of The UNIT)
💻 Just because our family short-changed us, does not mean everyone else will too. Notice & write down all the ways you’ve already had positive responses throughout life to get a desire or need met, provided you asked the ‘right’ people – those who were already, willing & able. You may be pleasantly surprised.
☛ And it’s OK if you don’t trust what they’ve said (yet) because the Bad Parent voice won’t let you feel good about it. That will change as you heal.
NEXT : GROWTH – Gaining PP