ACoA DEFINITIONS – Review


PREVIOUS: Perfectionism Review

🎇 REMINDER: There are severely debilitating effects of growing up in an alcoholic / dysfunctional home & community BECAUSE we:

▪︎ weren’t allowed to think for ourselves
▪︎ didn’t learn how to think clearly, logically
▪︎ often got very limited or distorted information – about ourselves, our family members, & how the world works.

This has nothing to do with our native intelligence nor with our to ability to learn!  The clearer & more accurately we can think – the more empowered we are. So we need the right info – & then practice what we learn.

👄 👁 👂🏾 🧠
Human NEEDS – 3 baskets
UNIVERSAL : All normal needs, common to everyone (respect, info, love, safety….). These are our rights.UNIVERSAL : All normal needs, common to everyone (respect, info, love, safety….). These are our rights.
PERSONAL : A unique combination of needs specific to your personality, similar to others like you, but still different from everyone else
ACoA / WOUNDED : Needs caused by childhood abuse & neglect, some of which may go away with Recovery, & many can diminish enough to no longer be a constant irritant or block

‘FEELINGS’ – 3 uses
PHYSICAL : anything to do with the body (tired, thirsty, horny, achy….)
EMOTIONAL : a visceral (gut) response to an internal state (thoughts) or external events
MENTAL : what one is thinking (opinion, belief, assumption, conclusion….)
EXP: “I feel that we should…. I feel like she doesn’t like me”
This is the only category that is NOT about feelings!!

THINK vs FEEL (amount)
FEELINGS
– emotions are always ONE word things (happy, sad, pleased, annoyed….). We can have more than one at a time, even contradictory ones!
THOUGHTS – always a sentence, whether short or long (“I don’t think I’ll hear from him again”, NOT “I feel like I won’t….”)

REACTING (Triggered)
DENIED – when someone’s comments or behavior annoys/ angers you, which is a character defect of your own you can’t or won’t admit to (accusing others of dishonesty / over-disclosing (TMI) / being judgmental….)

BUTTONS – hating or fearing something in others – that causes you pain – which you repeatedly experienced growing up, (done TO or around you), but which you do not do (be consistently late / undependable, not listen, rage / fight / tease….)

DAMAGE – reacting badly to behavior or patterns in PPT (people, places, things) caused by long-term trauma, physical illness or emotional pain – aggravating your nerves (loud sounds, fluttering paper or leg swinging, crowds, pile-up of problems, waiting in line ….)

NOTICE: Cat’s shadow is normal proportion

The 3 As
AWARENESS – become conscious of something you didn’t know before, OR that you’d unconsciously hidden from yourself
ACCEPTANCE – a deep & absolute acknowledgement of what is real / true, no matter how unpleasant. Usually done in increments, over time
ACTION – any behavior, especially as a pattern throughout life, and which has an effect on oneself &/or others

T.E.ATHOUGHTS, EMOTIONS, ACTIONS
When talking about something, be clear which of these categories you’re referring to. If asked how you feel, you’re more likely say what you’re thinking, or even sometimes what you did – rather than emotion.
What kind of info was the person actually asking you for?
T: “That’s very interesting. I’d like to hear more about it”
E: “Are you relieved or upset about your breakup?
A: “They went to the footfall  game yesterday”

ANGER 3 Causes
FEAR – Anything that scares us in the present, usually tapping into something old (if it’s hysterical, it’s historical),
HURT – when our feelings are injured by a statement or reaction by others, regardless of why they did it, or why we’re bothered
FRUSTRATION – when we want or need something badly which is out of our reach, or which is not possible – from a particular person or situation (connection with a narcissist, institutions to be fair, a person who has died – to still be alive….)

ANGER vs RAGE
ANGER – Rational, cool, for connection, creates true intimacy
RAGE – Hot, irrational (without thought), from real or assumed danger, to push way – to feel safer

SHAME vs. GUILT
SHAME
– an emotion caused by any NEED which was abused or neglected as a child
GUILT – an emotion caused by breaking a law or rule we deeply believe in, especially TOXIC family rules we grew up with

NEXT: MBTI functions

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