weak decision making

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

I’LL RISK EVERYTHING –
to feel that ‘high’

PREVIOUS: Bad Decision Styles – #2

 

PART 3: Last 6 of 18 types of unsound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections (no known source).  While these types represent dysfunction, they’re based on each person’s native approach to life, with the addition of an unhealthy upbringing.

Some EFFECTS of bad D.M.:
• we compromise ourselves – our self-worth, values, needs….
• we don’t get what we say we want, so we can obey our Toxic Rules
• we do get what they want, but at the expense of others, damaging our relationships
• they generate anxiety, distress, shame, guilt, self-hate….
• we experience physical symptoms, aches and pains, major illness
• have to learn lessons the hard way instead of making life easier
• waste a lot of time, either doing unnecessary things or having to cleanup a mess later

• we hurt, disappoint, ‘abandon’ people we care about & love
• loss of important opportunities, with some that can’t be retrieved
• suffer unnecessary financial distress, debt, loss of valuable property
• get in trouble with authorities, the law, go to jail
• they may lead to accidents, permanent injuries, deathconsequences
• they’re a waste of our precious life, talents, abilities, potential….

Allowing for Nuances
• Most decisions are NOT written in stone, so they’re nor forever, even tho some do have far-reaching consequences, so it’s wise to strive for ‘sane’, healthy, adult choices as often as possible
D.M. is inherently circular, since most are made by moving back and forth between:

a. the characteristics we want our choice to meet (the ‘new’ car we want to get should be small, used & inexpensive but not worn out)
b. identifying the possibilities we can choose from  (depending on where we live, how much money we have, our knowledge about used cars…)
— The alternatives available influence the criteria we apply to them, and vice versa – the criteria we set influence the alternatives we consider

• ACoAs tend to lump all types of decisions together – all are huge, impossible, overwhelming, undo-able — we think ALL have equal importance & equal consequences. NOT SO!
We can divide decisions into (at least) 3 levels of importance & intensity. Use these suggestions to make your own outline.  It can be argued than any choice can cause a big problem OR have a great benefit, but if we use our Adult observation we can have a general sense of what to expect, as long as we don’t limit our thinking to what happened in our childhood

SMALL-ish Decisions: where to do for dinner, what to wear, when to talk to someone, to go or not go to a party, which errands to do when, buying something for the house…..
MEDIUM Decisions: Where to go on vacation, what diet to use, to go back to school, change accountants, redecorate, get a new car….
BIG Decision: change careers, get married or leave a relationship, move to a different city or country, stop using drugs / alcohol / cigarettes, start going to therapy, have an operation…..

✶ The more we come to believe “I KNOW WHAT I KNOW”, trusting our intuition & judgment, the easier the process of D.M. becomes.

Weak DECISION Styles (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

NO MATTER WHAT I PICK –
it’ll always be wrong!

PREVIOUS: Procrastinators Anon Tools

POST : Purpose of Emotions : DECISIONS

 

PART 1 = First 6 of 18 types of un-sound decision-making (D.M.) styles & their corrections. (No known source) While these types all represent dysfunction, people gravitate to one of these styles as a reflection of their inborn approach to life, along with an unhealthy upbringing.

• No matter what our personal style, ACoAs have a great deal of difficulty making decisions. This deficiency has nothing to do with our basic intelligence, only our damage. An apparent exception are those in the Hero / Rescuer family role – who seem to be able to make decisions easily & continuously. But the hidden worm in the fruit is that they only do it on behalf of others. Decisions for themselves are rare & usually unhealthy

– D.M. is the process of identifying & choosing alternatives, based on our values & preferences &
– D.M. is the process of reducing enough uncertainty & doubt about our options to give us the freedom to pick out the best one at the moment

❀ SOME REASONS we have trouble with D.M.
• not having a clear identity (who am I, how do I present myself, what do I need or want….)
• letting the WIC (wounded inner child) be in charge of considering what to do, who either acts impulsively or is stuck / paralyzedbad decisions
• not trusting the knowledge, judgment & experience we’ve gathered throughout our life

• not realizing we have options to choose from, or better options than we think we have
not having permission to change our minds – about anything!
• being in denial about what we know regarding a person or situation

• fear of making the wrong choice – we think the wrong one will have life & death consequences, or result in severe punishment or self-hate, afraid of taking risks, asking for help, getting good things

• co-dependence: wanting to please everyone, all the time
• growing up with a series of double-binds (paralyzes us)
• not having enough or the correct information to decide accurately
• using CDs (cognitive distortions) in thinking about a problem

➼ As we Recover, some of these reasons melt away, some diminish & some we struggle with throughout life – & which is which will be different for different people.