toxic family roles

ACoAs & ASKING QUESTIONS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-care, Self-esteem, self-help , , , ,

asking QsIT NEVER DAWNS ON ME
to ask about the other person

PREVIOUS: Reverse Laundry List

 

PROBLEM
Another indicator of ACoA damage is the fear of asking questions or worse – not even realizing it is necessary, appropriate, even imperative.
At the core of this issue is the unconscious but ingrained perspective that we should not hold other people responsible for their words & actions. As emotionally immature adults, we are still going on the assumption that everything is our fault (narcissistic S-H), & therefore it’s all up to us to correct misunderstandings & fix whatever is causing us pain (narcissistic grandiosity).

In CHILDHOOD
Most ACoAs stopped asking Qs because of the messages & reactions we got from our dysfunctional family as well as from outside sources such as school & religious institutions. “Children should be seen & not heard”. They :
• didn’t want their authority questioned
• didn’t want their bad behavior pointed out or abuse objected to
• didn’t want their hypocrisy & neglect uncovered….not allowed to ask
AND they —
• couldn’t be bothered to listen or explain things
• didn’t have the patience to show us what they knew how to do
• made it sound like we’re dumb for not knowing things they knew
• told us we were disrespectful for questioning their authority
• punished us with a smack or with guilt for wanting to know what’s going on around us • made fun of us for exploring & being curious ……

NOTE: Curious & clever children may seem to be ‘challenging’ the adults “WHY … WHY…” But if we got a bad reaction (“you’re arrogant, you’re being difficult, you’re disrespectful”) it’s almost always because the person did NOT know the answer & was ashamed to admit it

No matter what Toxic family Role were fell in to as kids (Hero, Scapegoat, Lost Child, Mascot), ultimately we were on our own, because our wounded parents we unable to connect with us in healthy loving ways. We got the message that we were a burden to them – or worse – hated (“You’ll be the death of me yet!”). We understood that if we were to figure things out it would have to be from other sources, like school & our peers, but mainly by just watching other people & events. Quietly, secretly observing the world around us helped, but it didn’t encourage asking questions.

As ADULTS
Our early trauma, distorted mirroring & lack of good role models has left holes in our ability to think of what to say. This is because of missing information, rather thanbeing mute stupidity. It literally means not having the vocabulary for legitimate questioning – what words to use, what point of view we need to come from, or what to expect.
BUT this can be learned from books such as “The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense”, & from others who have already know how.

Many of us believe that any form of Qs is impertinent, boundary invasive, & just plain rude – which is not true when Qs come from our Adult ES.
And when someone says or does something unkind, inappropriate, narcissistic or flat-out mean – we justify, over-explain, excuse ourselves (Sorry, Sorry), instead of lobbing the ball back at the other person by saying something like:“What did you mean? // Why did you say it that way? // Is that what you would do – want?… (See “Useful Responses”).

ACoAs were not allowed to defend, protect or stand up for ourselves, to not have the right to object to abuse, & to never know what our true needs are. So we continue to live in a quasi-world of not really belonging, not having rights, not being heard, not having access to our personal power, & most of all – never truly feeling safe.  Others of us will bite back when we feel neglected, dismissed or accused, a version of the PP &/or WIC trying to protect ourselves, but this is simply ineffective & can serve to escalate a bad situation.

NEXT: ACoAs & Asking Qs – Part 2

Co-dependence & the False Self

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

invisible barsTHESE INVISIBLE BARS
have me trapped in the mirror

PREVIOUS: Co-dep & Roles

SITE: “False Self, Real Self – the games we play with our identity”

✤ Anatomy of Emotional Warfare (key player is the False Self)

✤ 3 Reasons to Embrace Your “False” Self

BOOK: Is it Love or is it Addiction? ~ Brenda Schaeffer

 

CO-DEPENDENCE runs us WHEN:
▲ We focus all our attention on the needs, feelings & problems of another person – instead of ourself – including the ones we think someone else has, in order to make that person love us AND never leave us.  So we feel guilty when we don’t tend to their wishes, needs or demands!

▲ The False Self  (FS)
✶ We developed it in our dysfunctional home, where we came to believe we needed someone & something outside of ourself to be complete, to feel safe, to have any worth at all, even to give us permission to exist!

✶ Basing life on a False Self robs us of our dignity & individuality! It’s what the wounded version of the Adapted Child ego state becomes when we’re not properly nurtured in childhood, & which ends up running our life until we do FoO work in Recovery   (CHART  ➡️)

• The concept of the FS was identified in the 60s by Dr. Donald Winnicott, who specialized in Object-Relations psychology.
The FS is motivated by a basic need to survive, starting in infancy – an unconscious choice to change our behavior, repress our emotions & push aside our own needs – in order to fit in with others who cannot accept us as we really are.
It comes out of a desperate attempt to control a person or situation that is actually out of our control.

• It includes 5 USES and 5 levels ⬇️, the most extreme being when the True Self is completely hidden, while the FS appears authentic to the person & everyone else, & may be successful in the world but fails in intimate relationships  & secretly fuels anxiety
➼ In contrast, the True Self is the core of we who are, unshaped by upbringing or society, the person we were born as & still exists inside

CHILDHOOD Causes
☔︎ Attachment Trauma = a developmental shock that may become hard-wired into the child’s brain & personality structures. Desperate longing & emotion-addiction becomes a defense mechanism against the anxiety of too early or difficult separation from mother

☔︎ Toddlers = Defiant & oppositional behavior persisting beyond age 3 may indicate an attachment disorder.  Child can develop other “upper defenses” to maintain this separateness (over-independence), which support the inflated False Self.

☔︎ Co-dependent = Children create a False Self (FS) as a reaction to not having enough emotional & social support in order to become emotionally & psychologically separate from parents (grow up)
☔︎ Counter-dependent = child blocks feeling of the shame of only being ‘loved’ conditionally or not loved at all.  The FS prevents being totally traumatized by the abandonment & abuse. This defense typically shows up as the child (& later the adult) seeming to be strong & capable, while not feeling that way inside (like a fraud)

☔︎ Addictions = Later on – develop addictions in the areas associated with specific separation trauma (use ‘uppers’, work, quick sex, traveling & over-consuming…. ). These are inadequate & unsatisfying substitutes for deep union with the Divine who created the True Self, just like the unavailable emotional connection with the mother.
Unfortunately, it often takes people a long time to discover that unresolved developmental trauma is the cause of many of their adult problems.

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CHART a. False Self created by absorbing Negative Introject

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CHART b. True Self as the integrated authority of a fully developed, emotionally intelligent grownup (by Roland J. Schuster)

Also read  “What Represents True Self“?

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NEXT: Satir’s LEVELER Role