Self-Control

MULTIPLE Intelligences – Spiritual (Part 6)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

Spiritual growthTHE DEEPER MY INSIGHT,
the more I connect with the universal

PREVIOUS: M.I. (Part 5)

SITE: Gardner’s M.I. apps for iPads

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

MULTIPLE INTELLIGENCES (cont)
8. SPACIAL/VISUAL (picture-smart)

9. SPIRITUAL / EXISTENTIAL (spirit-smart) – seeing the big picture. Likely a whole-brain function, which is increased by prayer & meditation, because they lessen the blood flow to the parietal lobes, which normally gives us a sense of time & space.

This group is concerned with the morals, ethics & values of life, looking for real-world understanding, & the application of new learning. They have the sensitivity & capacity to tackle deep questions about human existence, such as the meaning of life, how did we get here, what’s our purpose, & why do we die. They’re not afraid to look into the depths of truth to find hidden answers, & to think of other possibilities.

Being particularly introspective, aware of their own existence, they’re drawn to exploring existential & philosophical questions, including what may lie beyond death. Even as ‘every-day’ people, they have deep thoughts. They understand their role in others’ lives, and how they play a small but important part of the whole game. They are in constant search for their purpose of living.
SPIRITUALThey:
— are sensitive to different cultural environments
— are “universalistic”, value truth & justice
— enjoy discussing questions @ life & death
— learn new things better when it’s value is known
— more tolerant  & respectful of diversity
— relaxation or meditation exercises are rewarding
— religion or spirituality is important to them
— see their role in the ‘big picture’ of things
— seem “wise beyond their years”, peaceful
— want to make a difference in the world

For centuries philosophers have been debating the nature of human intelligence. We are different from the other animals, but why? Do we have a soul? Is there some sort of duality between the corporeal flesh and the mind or spirit? Did we acquire our unique capacity for rational thought and all that goes with it as a result of some special act of creation or did it just happen as a result of evolution through natural selection?

Dr. Gardner divided this category into:
Existential Intelligence
— an ability to intuitively sense & gather clues from the environment (PPT = people, places, things), contributing to the whole picture
— the ability to pick up energies & have access to information without actually being able explain exactly why or how we know these things
— concerned with ultimate issues, the larger spiritual concerns of life

Moral-Ethical Intelligence
— an innate sense of morality, not necessarily associated with religion, but as a statement about the kind of personality, individuality, will, and/or character that a person has developed
— focused on the highest realization of human nature.

VIRTUES8 virtues
Conscience – know the right, decent way to act, & act that way
Empathy – identify with & feel other people’s concerns
Fairness – choose to be open-minded, & act in a just way
Kindness – show concern for the welfare & feelings of others
Respect – value others by treating them in a courteous, considerate way
Self-control – regulate thoughts & actions , to stop internal pressure & external reactions & act in the right way
Tolerance – respect everyone’s dignity & rights, even if they have beliefs & behaviors we disagree with

CAREERS : life coach, cosmologist, prophet, philosopher, religious teacher, poet
INCREASE ability : make connections between book-learning & the world outside, see the big picture, look at every issue from different points of view, relate specific topics with national & global concerns

TECH ideas: Google earth, Discovery Education, Podcasts, GarageBand, Powerpoint, Keynote
FAMOUS Peopl e: Jesus, Aristotle, Plato, Socrates, Martin Heidegger, Buddha, St. Augustine, Wayne Dyer.

BOOK: “Ethical Intelligence” by Bruce Weinstein, PhD   // REVIEW  //  QUIZ

* * * * * * * * * * *
WORK: There’s a natural correlation between the M.I. categories of human learning
& the knowledge & skills needed for 21st century workplace productivity.  This CHART shows the way each mental style contributes it’s specialty to modern-day tasks.
«wok & M.I.s

«
NEXT : Comment on ACRONYMS

What is Self-Control ? (Part 4)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , ,

head or heartI CAN CHOOSE TO DO THINGS
that are good for me & are suited

PREVIOUS: What is Self-control (Part 3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

Control is about POWER – to make someone do or be what we want. When applied to ourself – that power can be either –
• a defense to deny our pain, which is debilitating & destructive, OR
• to heal & nurture ourself, & express our best to the world

Healthy Self-MANAGEMENT (S-M) is not limiting or rigid, but rather providing the stamina to keep going & the ability to handle stresses with flexibility. It relies on the same willpower as rigid self-control, but instead is channeled to :
a. prevent us from doing whatever is unsuitable & harmful to ourself, OR
b. delay instant gratification & pleasure, in favor of some greater gain or for more satisfying results at a later time

VALUE of S-M. It allows us to :
a.  • obey legitimate rules & laws
• avoid talking or acting impulsively
• overcome being stuck or procrastinating
• prevent self-destructive patterns (addictions…)
AND
b. continue & finish internal or external projects, even after the initial rush of enthusiasm has faded, or when they get too boring or too hard

Having S-M means WE:
• are in present-day reality, which includes owning our adult abilities, acquired knowledge & useful experiences
• can stay centered & act according to our own mind
• have self-respect as a Healthy Adult, especially in our thinking
• know our Rights, options & what’s actually possible (not fantasy/ illusion)
• make declarative statements & ask for our needs – in the right places
• use that info to practice setting boundaries, with ourself & with others

HEALTHY GOAL
Screen Shot 2016-01-15 at 8.11.47 AM🔸To run our own life, rather than someone else’s, & not have someone else run ours – we must be our own Motivator, which is not selfishness but the opposite of co-dependence.

Being responsible for our own life also includes :
🔹AA Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over____” other People, Places & Things
🔹AA Step 3: “…turn our will & our lives over to the care of God….

Having choices does fit with the Serenity Prayer:  “God grant me:
1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
2. the courage to change the things I can
3. and the wisdom to know the difference”

ACoAs are too long on a. negative self-discipline & short on b. healthy self-control, which is available by developing the “UNIT”. At first “a.” may seem like a good thing – because it’s supposed to keep us from doing actual bad or wrong things (which it can also do) – but that’s not the main way we use it

Instead, what ACoAs often do is to keep ourself from developing healthy T.E.As, but are in fact many positive ones DIS-allowed by our Toxic Family Rules.
EXP : Thinking for ourself, having opinions, standing up for our rights, Leaving bad situations, following our bliss, Feeling our emotions, relaxing, being happy, having fun ….

✶ Actually, just because many of us start out as under-dogs, it doesn’t mean we can’t WIN – over our damage, over our pain, over others trying to control us! Being empowered can be every ACoA’s goal, deciding for ourself how to act from an inner place of certainty & serenity.
😠 And for those of us who don’t like the word CONTROL – we can say : being in charge, living in our Adult Ego state, taking responsibility, being our own motivator!….

So, how in charge are you of your life – actions, career, emotions, health, home, finances, relationships, work life…..?
Based on many studies, including Fujita (2008), correcting CDs  – our self-defeating self-talk – can extend the ability to be in charge of ourself, to keep our focus & have better self-care.

• Reasonable adults respect others who are in control (C) of themself & their life. Being respected is one of our many rights – the opposite of being shamed .  As we develop & honor our True Self, we will be respected by others more often if we consistently handle what WE CAN, as in line 2 of the Serenity Prayer, & relinquish / let go of the demand to control what we do not have the power to do.

NEXT: Types of Self-Control (Part 5)

What is Self-Control ? (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

in controlWHO MOTIVATES ME – Others or myself?

PREVIOUS: Let go of Controlling -#3

POSTs:Personal Responsibility

☆ The UNIT:Healthy Adult, Loving Parent


SELF- CONTROL 101 (Normal)
Events or Thoughts —-> lead to —-> Emotions
Emotions ——-> lead to ——> Beliefs
Beliefs ——-> lead to ——> Decisions
Decisions ——-> lead to ——> Actions
Actions —> lead to —> Rewards or Consequences

Def. of CONTROL, from the dictionary: to direct, command, exercise authority over -OR- to hold back, curb, restrain —> oneself or others.

PURPOSE of Self-Control (SC)
To gain a present reward or reach a delayed gratification
OR delay, reduce or eliminate punishment
DEF: ☀︎ to hold in check or curb (the WIC & PP ?)
☀︎ to exercise restraint or direction over something or someone
☀︎ to eliminate or prevent the spread of something (our damage ?)

ACoAs – Healthy S-C is very hard to achieve as long as:S-H
• the WIC is the ego state in charge of our daily emotions, actions & reactions
• we obey the Toxic Rules, suppressing our True Self
• externally, we stay symbiotically attached to our family
• internally, we continue to obey the Negative Introject (PP)

SELF-CONTROL (S-C) is about harnessing our willpower to accomplish things that are generally regarded as desirable & highly valued by society, including our personal long-term goals. As adults, we’re responsible for our thoughts, emotions & actions (T.E.A.) to the extent that it’s in our power, which is not always possible.

• People are born with varying degrees of tolerance for routine vs. change, patience vs boredom, social vs private interactions…. but the need for S-C applies to everyone. However,
it’s harder for us to maintain it IF we’re in the wrong environment, where others are not also willing to govern themself. (MORE…)

skillsHealthy families help their children to develop this skill as part of their over-all training.  In adults – developing S-C requires a lessening of anxiety, & is motivated by a clear, conflict-free desire to stop harming oneself or others. Practice & perseverance are required, but it gets easier with repetition.
S-C  IS:
✱ not an inborn character trait that would automatically allow us to govern our thoughts, emotions & behavior
✱ a skill developed through education, social interaction & conditioning
✱ built up by the process of ‘stalling, distracting & resisting’ negative urges
✱ quite complex. It requires that we stay awake so our functioning is based in the present, not from trauma & Toxic Rules
S-C IS 
✱ internal mastery – by monitoring thoughts, regulating emotions, setting goals & making responsible choices. This allows us to moderate / manage competing activities, desires & urges
✱ the ability to make choices & decisions that benefit ourself, & then others. This requires knowing & honoring who we are – our abilities & experience, needs, preferences & tastes

✱ an important part of a cluster of fundamental internal resources (our core character, courage, determination, endurance, faith, purpose…. ) which do not disappear, even when tested by constant pressure or long-term deprivation
✱ requires motivation. In certain situations, such as a special celebration or an artificial psychological experiment, we may decide to briefly give up self-control for the occasion
S-C
✱ becomes self-discipline when we have to apply intentional effort. When practiced habitually for some time, it can become a character trait
✱ becomes a way of thinking because of the cognitive processes & mental discipline needed to use SC
✱ becomes a virtue when we resists temptations in order to achieve a desired goal, & can be considered a spiritual gift when it’s the result of spiritual growth & transformation.

VALUE of Self-Control – it allows us to:
• be a responsible & trustworthy human being
• be in charge of our moods & replace negative beliefs – to keep in check self-destructive, addictive behaviors & obsessive thoughts
• eliminate feeling helpless & having to be inappropriately dependent on others
• be in overall charge of our life = gaining self-esteem, confidence, balance, inner strength,&  a sense of personal mastery
• have enough mental & emotional detachment to give us peace of mind

NEXT: What is Self-Control (#2)

Backlash of Over-Control (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

GOTTA CUT THESE BONDS – or I’ll explode!

PREVIOUS: Price for Over S-C

SEE: ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

HEALTHY age-appropriate self-control (self-management) is an integral part of mental health, which comes from the ‘UNIT’ ego state.  But constant self-restraint, from S-H & FoA, can backfire.  Among other things it ties up a lot of our energy resources.  Eventually we break down or blow up.

STUDIES:
1. Self-Restraint & Aggression 
• Past studies in the Journal of Consumer Behavior showed that exerting too much self-control can increase irritability & anger
• New research also found that making a constant effort to stop oneself from ‘undesirable’ actions can backfire :

eventually explodea. Extreme self-discipline contains the seeds of its own undoing – an explosive failure-of-control called “dis-inhibition.”  People trapped in this pattern can suddenly shift from one unhealthy extreme (being ‘perfect’) to the other –  rebelling against too many self-imposed restrictions for too long (becoming a ‘failure’).

b. Such people who consistently suppress emotions & actions in a variety of ways, often end up in emotional distress & with ‘cognitive disruption’ – a loss of mental clarity while obsessing about the very things they’re not ‘allowed’ to do! (foods not allowed on their restrictive diet)

Observations re. ‘restricters’ — Participants in another study were chosen by 2 criteria – those who did vs. did not hold back emotionally – to see how each group would react to neutral images presented as ‘angry’ or ‘not angry’.  Different categories of self-control were chosen & subjects’ reactions noted.

RESULTS : they more often preferred the ‘angry’ options. EXP :
✼ the active dieters preferred public service ads framed in threats
✼ those who carefully controlled their spending of a gift certificate were more interested in looking at angry faces than fearful ones
✼ those who picked an apple over chocolate were more irritated by ads with controlling phrases like “you ought to” or “need to,” & were more likely to choose movies with a theme of hostility over other genre

ACoAs: It makes sense that the more we deny our legitimate needs, the angrier – & more depressed – we get!  Even so –  this does not mean it’s OK to harm anyone when we’re in a rage or blow people off because we happen to be in a bad mood or feel overwhelmed (not let them know we’re unavailable or changed a plan).

2. Self-Control & Prejudice
A study from Tufts University showed that deliberate, continual over-control can cause emotional unease & guarded behavior, which could be misinterpreted as racial prejudice in some circumstances
TEST:
• Researchers ran 2 group of white volunteers through a series of computer-based mental exercises:
— one group’s set was so stressful that the participants were temporarily depleted of the mental reserves needed for discipline
— the other group was given a less stressful set of exercises

• Once the tests were finished, the subjects met with either a white or African-AM interviewer to discuss racial diversity, a social situation with the potential for racial tension.
Later, subjects rated the interaction with the interviewer for comfort, awkwardness & enjoyment.
FINDINGS:
prejudice• Those who were mentally depleted (lacked discipline & self-control) talked about race with a African-AM interviewer more enjoyably than those with their self-control intact, presumably because they weren’t working as hard to monitor or curb what they said
• Also, a separate group of independent African-AM observers found that the exhausted / powerless & therefore less ‘uptight’ whites were much more direct, real & less prejudiced in conversations

✶ CONCLUSION: Relinquishing power over oneself (temporarily) seems to prevent over-thinking & so ‘liberate’ people to be more authentic, which could benefit both individuals & society

ACoAs: Of course this study does not imply it’s OK to be unruly or a doormat – as a result of lowered inhibitions.
It’s about “Letting Go” of anxiety, looking good, projecting failure, fear of disapproval, trying to be seen, heard, accepted …. but rather ——> just being open-hearted & in the moment. Then we can enjoy ourself, be respectful & put others at ease.

NEXT: Backlash, Part 2