relationship forms

Relationship FORM B. (Part 3)

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WHEN I’M HURT I DON’T WANT TO ‘keep the focus on myself!’

PREVIOUS: FROM B. (#1)

 

REVIEW: KtFoY (keep the focus on yourself), in Part 1


Relationship FORM B
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHEN YOU ___________________________________________
I FEEL  _______________________________________________
& BELIEVE THAT I AM ____________________________________
These are my thoughts & feelings, which are not your fault, and which
you’re not responsible for.
HOWEVER, I’D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD ______________________________________________________
WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO TRY THAT? ___________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXP 2.
WHEN YOU (As) – spend too much time talking to other people (especially to ___) when we’re out together
I FEEL (Es)  – invisible, disrespected, humiliated, angry, hurt, lonely
& BELIEVE THAT I AM (Ts) – not attractive, not desirable, boring, a burden to you
These are my …
HOWEVER, I’d APPRECIATE it if YOU WOULD (As) – pay more attention to me, include me in your conversations, show people I’m important to you, maybe even brag a little about me to others… 🙂
WOULD YOU BE WILLING….?

RESULTS
Re. US
• ACoAs unconsciously expect others to know our needs without having to say anything. This is ‘mind-reading’ & not kosher to expect. It comes from the WIC, whose needs were not met sufficiently at a very young age, when we genuinely needed mom, or someone, to consistently know what to do for us, especially before we could talk.

🗝 NOW we refuse to ask for what we want & need – not just because we’re not ‘allowed’ but because that wounded part of us insists (unconsciously) that if we have to ask – whatever we get doesn’t count!
What the WIC doesn’t realize if that ADULTS are supposed to ask.

• Although our intense anger & hurt is from inside, we can have a ‘legitimate beef’ if the other person consistently disappoints or abuses. It will take some work for ACoAs to know the difference – by identify our specific needs and human rights, speak up for the WIC from the UNIT

Re. THEM
• If you’re dealing with an older child or teen – the way to handle them will be quite different. You’ll need to be more assertive but not punitive, & may need to insist they ‘behave’ by your rules.

a. But if you’re dealing with a self-centered, immature, narcissistic adult, they’re not likely to do as you ask – even if they promise to.
With anyone who is that heavily ‘armored’, you probably won’t get anywhere.
They may not even be willing to look at the ‘dumb’ form you worked so hard to fill out!

• In that case the purpose of the Forms A. & B. is for YOU to be clear about the issue, & stay awake to who / what you are dealing with.
You may have to decide to distance yourself, if not physically, then emotionally.
Save every form, & fill a new one out each time a new ‘issue’ comes up, for you or from them. Only show them to someone trustworthy, like a sponsor or therapist. The forms are NOT to be used to beat someone up, or to hold resentments

b. re. their annoying or harmful actions, such as —
• at home : ruining furniture, breaking objects, throwing important things out…..
• in public : revealing too much, over-explaining, not answering direct questions…..
• inter-personally : promising but rarely coming thru, not listening, not holding up their end of responsibilities…..

✒︎ ….  one possibility is that the person has ADD, OCD, dyslexia, serious depression… & isn’t getting the right treatment for it.  So they may not be able to stick to an agreement, even if they want to.

EITHER WAY: If the person balks – at listening to your request, at considering it or at actually doing something differently – it’s important to ask “why not”:
✓ is it the way you’re stating the request or need?
✓ what would it mean to them to comply? the personal cost?
✓ what worries them about your request?
✓ can they give you an alternative action they are willing to do – but only if it’s legitimate and acceptable to YOU – for you to consider?

• Of course, if they listen with an open heart, you have a chance at getting some of your needs met
• Even if the person’s response is favorable, don‘t expect miraculous shifts.  We all take time to change. Be willing to remind then, nicely!

Start the sentence with “Please, would you … / Do you remember you said you would be willing to…’ , rather than angrily:
“You never… / Why haven’t you… / You promised to…”!

• ALSO, you may need to be more assertive, more pro-active, more visible – to not be a victim of other people’s personalities & / or their damage.  🪒 ASK, ASK – nicely!

NEXT: ACoAs – Being Visible – #1

Relationship FORM B. (Part 1)

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  Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 6.03.46 AM
WE  SEE THINGS VERY DIFFERENTLY.
Can we understand each other better?

PREVIOUS: Relationship Form A. (#2)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

‘KtFoY’ = “Keep the focus on yourself!” 


“WHEN YOU….” Form in Part 2 & 3
• We hear from many sources that to be mentally & emotionally mature, we need to take responsibility** for our own TEAs (thoughts, emotions, actions). Yet ACoAs were taught by our family & religion NOT to think about our own needs, tastes, ideas, values… only other people’s – which means we’re not allowed to KtFoY. It’s considered:
☀︎ selfish, because it takes attention away from them
☀︎ arrogant, because we feel so worthless that we have no rights
☀︎ disobedient, because we’re not allowed to think for ourselves – only what they said was acceptable – no matter how contradictory or crazy

Can you hear the PP’s poisonous voice whispering: “Who do you think you are?”
And no matter how intelligent or accomplished, without correct info, many ACoAs don’t actually know what KtFoY means or how to do it.

REMINDER: ** Taking Responsibility is different from Self-Hate, which tells us everything bad / painful that happens to us and others – is our fault.
☼Responsibility is not about fault, but rather ownership. It acknowledges what we have or have not thought, felt or done (T.E.A.) – period.
☼ S-H adds to that :”Yes I’ve done/ not done —- and therefore I’m bad!”
This is not KtFoY.

•  Taking responsibility without S-H allows us to determine who did what – if anything – & if there is anything we can learn or correct for next time – without shame or recrimination.

NEGATIVE USE:Screen Shot 2016-06-18 at 6.16.44 AM
• Some ACoAs will use KtFoY to justify being selfish, thoughtless & inconsiderate – coming from their narcissism. Like : promising to do something important for another person, & then flaking. When confronted, they may say “Oh, I just needed to take care of myself” – without considering the consequences to anyone else.

• Other ACoAs think they’re being righteous when they use their version of KtFoY – but only to point a finger. Like: “I feel that you…. should be more… are being stupid for staying with… don’t know what you’re talking about… ought to do…”

POSITIVE USE:
•  Identify the thoughts & emotions YOU are having about a situation, leaving out as much reference to others as possible. That may take some soul-searching, but a good way to find out what’s going on inside is to ask what the the Inner Child or the PP is going on a about.
Either one is having some old emotional reaction – the direct result of our thoughts – wrapped in a cognitive distortion & Toxic Rule “If it’s hysterical it’s historical”.

•  Then, if appropriate, write or state what you’re thinking & feeling. Of course you’re reaction is in response to something or someone else, but it’s YOUR response, regardless of that they do or say. focus on self
Such as:
☼ re. Es: ‘When you talk like that it hurts my heart!’ or  ‘It’s very painful for me to watch you harm yourself’  or ‘I get so angry when you disappoint me, over & over!’
☼ re. Ts:  “I simply don’t agree with your assessment of the situation” or “I don’t understand why you keep …” or “I know I didn’t do that, even if you don’t believe me”….

✒︎ Notice that these are all “I”  statements. It’s the best way to communicate, because it eliminates blaming or trying to control.
It also stops most people in their track – it doesn’t give them much they can use to escalate. They can of course divert your attention by changing he subject, or just make fun of what you said.
Hopefully it greatly cuts down on defensive, angry & resentful responses

REMINDER: Don’t wait endlessly before saying something appropriate about an annoyance or a serious problem. Otherwise you’ll just be in a rage & any communication will be short-circuited.

SO, back to these forms – regarding something another person has done over & over that bothers you a lot. Notice:
☆ Form A. was about a future event that worries / angers you
★ Form B. is about recent but ongoing past actions, you wish would stop. Examples in Part 2 & 3.

NEXT: FORM B. (Part 2)

Relationship FORM A. (Part 2)

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couple troubleSOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT
relationships are more trouble than their worth!

PREVIOUS: Form A. (re. forms: Who, What, When –#1


FORM A: “IF I WERE TO LET YOU…”
1. WHO / 2. WHAT / 3. THEN

4. WHY: It’s important to know what your motives are in sharing these forms with another. The 3 main possibilities are:
a. as another manipulation, so you can change the other person, to get them to do what you wan. Ask, don’t demand or assume.
b. to open lines of communication, & be able to talk about the topic /situation – if you’re both willing, & possibly lead to a better outcome (Actions) or at least a resolution of conflict (Emotions & Thoughts) – Ts, Es or As.
c. to get as clear as you can about your own thoughts & feelings, regardless of the other person’s ability to hear you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IF I WERE TO LET YOU  (As)  ______________________________
I WOULD FEEL (Es) ____________________________________
& I’M AFRAID of THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE (Ts) _______________
__________________________________________________
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM________________________________
BY (As & words (Ts) _______________________________________
even tho’ I’ll still end up angry & resentful (Es),  that’s
LESS SCARY than having to experience :_____________________
a. FEEL (Es) _________________________________________
b. & DEAL WITH (As & Ts) _______________________________
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

EXP 2:
IF I WERE TO LET YOU – go back to school
I WOULD FEEL – envious & scared
I’M AFRAID OF THAT, BECAUSE I BELIEVE – that it will take up all your time, so you won’t have any time for me, & I’ll be the dumb one, won’t be able to keep up, you’ll lose interest in me…..
SO I PREVENT YOU FROM – registering for classes
BY – trying to convince you it’s too expensive, too hard, you don’t really want to go, you don’t need it because you’re smart enough….
…. even though I’ll end up feeling guilty, that’s
LESS SCARY than having to FEEL – alone, frustrated, helpless, vulnerable, hopeless
or DEALING WITH – paying for things by myself &/or for you, not having any company  evenings & weekends, not being able to do some of the things I want to do because I have to help you…

NOTE that most of what you write on these forms isScreen Shot 2016-06-18 at 5.44.30 AM your WIC’s reaction to a situation (or copying your PP) – no matter what the current reality is.
✐ If it’s the PP, ask it to step back, get out-of-the-way, leave you alone. Say “You’re not helping!”
✐ If it’s the WIC (more likely), give the kid a hug, repeat: “You’ll be OK, I’m here, you’re never alone. I can handle it. We have other options….” Then use any positive tool to support your Adult self.

WAYS to COPE no matter the outcome
Who the other person is will have some bearing on how you deal with this. Could be a sibling or your own child, even an order parent, but most likely a mate.
Your evaluation of the situation may be quite accurate – you will not have much time with this person if they’re in school – depending on their class load. So, instead of just panicking, ask yourself:

Re. YOU
• what buttons from my background is this pushing in me?
• what tasks (if you live together) can I stop doing, so I don’t feel so used?
Even if that makes you uncomfortable, in the long run it’s better than being resentfulScreen Shot 2016-06-18 at 5.46.33 AM.png & a victim
• If this happens, will there be things I can do to help ease the situation for both of you? Ask the other person for suggestions

• Where can I connect with a support system, so I’m not so alone?
• is there something I can be studying on my own, that doesn’t cost a lot? even if I don’t get credentials right away

TOGETHER
• Will having him/her go to school be beneficial to us both, in the long-run? Better job or career, more money… will I feel proud of them?
• am I willing to wait (1, 2, 4 years)?
• if no, am I really prepared to leave? If not, then own that decision & don’t sulk or punish the other person because you choose to stay
• if yes, what can I do with my empty time? Things I always wanted to do, but haven’t yet?
You can be growing on your own or with friends so you’re not left behind….

➼ These (Part 1 & 2) suggestions are just 2 possible ways to use this form & some healthy ways of dealing with a situation. Start by looking at your own buttons (sore spots) & negative thinking. Always remember “keep the focus on yourself.”

NEXT: Form B. “WHEN YOU…”