magical thinking

Co-Dep Angry-Nice UNDERPINNINGS (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, recovery, Self-esteem , , , , , ,

I’LL DO ANYTHING
to keep you happy! 

PREVIOUS: Co-Dep Angry-Nice UNDERPINNINGS (#1)

SITE : 11 thing Codependents do unintentionally (scroll down)

BOOK: “Deceived” by Claudia Black, includes 3 types of anger

REVIEW : From LovetoPivot
“The anger or rage that codependents often experience arises from various factors related to their tendencies. The problem is that codependents are frequently drawn to relationships where their anger is perpetuated. A key reasons for the anger is the discrepancy between their expectations & reality.
The complexities of codependency can cause resentment as they may find themselves in relationships where their needs are not met, promises are broken, feel disappointed or betrayed. These experiences can trigger anger as a normal & healthy reaction to unfulfilled needs or compromised trust….. ”

Co-dependence UNDERPINNINGS (cont)
YOU HAVE:
• X-ray vision – inside your personal Fun House, you’re looking into the eyes of everyone distorted mirrorelse trying to figure out who you are, but only seeing other people or distorted versions of yourself thru their eyes

• Filters – you weed out anything positive about yourself, positive opportunities, your actual accomplishments….. including the people who actually do recognize value in you, who are willing to help you to help yourself…..

• Fuzz – like a grey TV screen – whenever extreme terror shuts down your frontal cortex, i.e.. the ability to think at all, OR just that familiar vagueness that comes over you, especially when it’s for your own benefit. Favorite phrases are: “I’m overwhelmed / I’m confused / I don’t know”. It’s easier to vegg out with favorite distractions than admit what you really feel & need

• Magical thinking – you’re sure you have the ‘love’ & the will to fix broken people, & sure you’re doing it out of the goodness of your heart.  But actually – it’s to make them well enough to provide you with all the things you want for yourself but don’t have a right to get directly

• Pitch Fever – frantic to get everything done you’ve committed to, exhausted but never wanting to disappoint anyone, rushing from one task to the next, & feeling guilty for even thinking you need a break!

• Mommy Issues – careening thru life looking to finally be rescued & taken care of, secretly scanning everyone you interact with: “Are you my mommy? – Are you my mommy?” Even if you think you only have Daddy issues (yes, they may be very real too), you still needed a strong, healthy mother back then, but where was she???

• Nose – even in a room full of ‘normal’ people, if there’s one sick or needy person, you’ll ferret them out to latch on to or seduce – whichever works, It’s mainly to stave off your loneliness but looking to be their savior so heel needed.  This is in spite of feeling barely a few inches higher off the ground than them yourself, so you can feel a tiny bit less unlovable. Or because you assume none of the others would want to be with you??

• Reverse logic – getting the Serenity Prayer backwards. Instead of: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can & the wisdom to know the difference”, you compulsive try to do the impossible & keep putting off the things you really can doput up walls

• Walls – in spite of a desperate need to connect, you’re so terrified of intimacy that you compulsively pick emotionally unavailable friends, mated, jobs…. their harmful patterns keeping you at arm’s length, to guarantee that no one gets too close.
If they did, you believe the only thing they’d ‘find out’ is how worthless you are – according to the PP in your head! Unfortunately, your WIC agrees, even through H.P & others do not!

NEXT: Negative results – Intro

Co-Dep Angry-Nice UNDERPINNINGS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Personal Growth, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth , , , , , , , ,

love-buyingscreen-shot-2017-02-24-at-12-13-36-pmTHEY WON’T LIKE ME
unless I try a lot harderrom : New-Life

PREVIOUS: Co-dep #1

SITE: Qs @ Co-dep
Anger False beliefs @ being angry

✒︎ 7 ways to say NO (for People-pleases)

From New Life Spirit Recovery 
“Codependency is much broader than simply being involved with a substance abuser. In fact, that is a symptom, not the actual problem at all.  Codependency reflects an inner brokenness & a foundation that is people-based rather that God-based. This foundation drives a codependent to find someone or something outside of themselves to meet their deepest emotional & spiritual needs. It puts people in the place of God.” (See their list of characteristics)

Co-dependence UNDERPINNINGS (all at the same time!)
YOU ARE:
• Hero – of your own story, but not really. Your sense of importance & value is totally dependent on what you can do for others, whether they want it or not, and on how others react to you. If they respond positively, you can breathe. If they don’t – even once – you feel like the rug’s been pulled out. So you have to keep running from the monster (the Introject), to make sure you always do the right thing – for others – but never for yourself

• Jelly – inside. A quivering mass of terror & self-flagellation, always waiting for the other shoe to drop! The least little thing that goes wrong – you blame yourself – whether others hurt your feelings, or heaven-forbid you don’t know something, or make even a tiny mistake – all reasons to condemn yourself

• Mind-reader – sure you know what everyone else is thinking  – about you. Your shame & S-H ‘knows’ it’s never anything good, so you never bother to actually find out by asking, lest your suspicions prove to be true, which you couldn’t bear

• Martyr – taking on the burdens of everyone else, carrying their suffering for them (as if you actually could!), assuming they are weak & you’re so much stronger

• Secret Superman/ Wonder-woman – able to leap tall buildings with your determination to march on alone in spite of all your hardships, proving your ability to save others, while never needing any help yourself

YOU HAVE:
• Antennae – that constantly swivel back & forth towards everyone else, overly- attuned to your assessment/assumption of other people’s emotions & needs – whether accurate or not. Your focus is for external approval, rather than internal self-appreciation & fulfillment. Left to your own devices, you feel lost, purposeless, even empty

• Brakes – like on a car – but only the emergency one, keeping you locked in place, stuck in the mud of your pain, so you can’t take care of yourself. You think if you stand perfectly still you’ll be safe, but all you’re doing is trading real freedom & enjoyment for fake-protection

• A Committee – a dangerous ’round’ table in your head of warring factions – most with opposing points of view, vying for the upper hand – AND all negative. They’re so loud, you can’t find your own voice, & they drive you crazy, because you’re trying to make sense of craziness!

• Distortions – of thinking (CDs) that warp the way you see & interpret the world – thru the haze of Toxic Rules, FoA & S-H. This includes a skewed idea of Higher Power/God. ACoAs automatically assume that “God is an Alcoholic Parent”. We either:
— hate the whole ‘spirituality’ issues because God didn’t rescue us from very real childhood trauma, or
— try to earn love & acceptance by good works (people-please HP) or
— assume the ‘universe’ is against us, no matter what we do, just like it was at home

NOTE: John Bradshaw (Psychotherapist & ex-priest)said  : “Before age 7 we deify our parents. After that we parentalize our deity”.

NEXT: Co-Dep UNDERPINNINGS  (#2)