loyalty

People Should Treat Me Better – But I Won’t Let Them

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ACoAs ARE IN A DOUBLE BIND  –
either way we lose ourself,
to stay loyal to the family

PREVIOUS: Healthy Give & Take (#2)

Posts : Double Messages / D.Binds

 

ACoAs have a terrible dilemma :
1. On the one hand we desperately want to be loved, acknowledged, seen, heard. We complain bitterly for years that we have to chase people down, do all the work in relationships, friends don’t come thru for us, we’re too isolated, hate being lonely, we can’t trust anyone….
You know what kids used to say: ”No one loves me, everyone hates me, I’m going to eat worms & die!” (Toxic Rules)

HOWEVER – because we’re not allowed to be loved, comfortable & comforted, happy, thriving… we chase those few who don’t want us at all, &/or are unavailable in some way, even if there was an initial attraction.  They let us know in a 1,000 ways they’re not really able to connect (their S-H & FoA), but we don’t want to deal with that info, even when we hear it!

✶ The real reason for chasing the ‘impossible dream’ is that these unavailables are parent substitutes.  Our family gave impossible dreamus messages that we were too much trouble (for them), not worth bothering with, in their way, messy, greedy, unruly pain in the a–es.
We couldn’t live with that. We had to figure out a way to win them over, to love us, if only we knew how to fix ourselves & them.  BUT we never succeeded

✶ So now, with the current unavailables, we’re determined: this time we’ll get them, this time we’ll win – if only we’re perfect & persistent enough. OY!  (“Perfectionism”)

2. On the other hand, we’re terrified of getting too much attention, are 
uncomfortable with compliments, don’t want to ‘put anyone out’, can’t accept being given to. We think (conscious or unconscious):
a. I don’t deserve good things. After all, my family didn’t like me & they knew me best. So, when anyone else gets to know me they’ll also be disgusted, & leave me. OR
b. If someone likes me, then they’re stupid, weak, needy (no one I’d want to be with) because they’re too dumb to know I’m not worth liking. OR

c. If they’repush away being nice – they’re conning me, being polite, people-pleasing, Then just when I start enjoying things they’ll leave or want something from me I don’t have.  Sooner or later the real them will show up & I’ll be disappointed – again. ALSO =

d. I don’t want to owe anyone – no one gives anything for free, everyone has an agenda….
e. If I admit I want to be liked & given to, then I’m the weak one, & that 
disgusts me. I’d rather be alone than be that vulnerable
f. People are just trying to control me by being nice, so they can get what they want, & make me do things their way…

ACoAs waffle back & forth between opposites – BUT only Negatives :
✶ either too alone or chase people interested in us or abuse us
✶ isolate for years or stay way too long with the wrong people
✶ hate ourselves for being too much or not enough
✶ act out Victim or Perpetrator Role (aggressor, abuser) ….
….. SO we keep hurting ourself & then find some addiction (not always a chemical) to dull the pain

STAYING in OLD PATTERN  – even WHEN we know better
✶ are loyal to family & it’s system (still think we need them)
✶ don’t want to disobey the Toxic Rules : they’re our connection to home AND we don’t want to be punished, AND if we obey them, the family will love / accept us

broken love✶ MOST OF ALL : we don’t want to ‘get depressed’ ie. feel all that pain (sad, lonely, terror, hopeless, rage, powerless… ) about our parents not loving us the way we needed.
We knew the truth back then, but it was too much to bear & we didn’t have many options, so we stuffed it all down.

If we do give up our fantasies & false hope about the unavailables, & walk away – we may get flooded by that accumulated old pain! But once we know where it’s coming from, we can learn to manage it until it passes. “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical”

It takes quite a bit of Recovery (growing the UNIT) to tolerate feeling that are awful! & still be ok. With enough time & the right kind of support, we can go through it – knowing that it was not our fault that our family (& others) couldn’t take care of & love us.
Now it’s ok to let love in where it’s genuine, today & every day from now on.

NEXT: Resist talking the IC? – #1

Positive Character: SOCIAL IQ

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

  positive characterIT’S TIME TO ”ADULT” 
– wherever I am

PREVIOUS:  Knowledge #2

See ACRONYM Page for abbrev.

 

✿ ACCOUNTABILITY 
“The buck stops here” ∼ Harry S. Truman.
It may be called the ‘ultimate responsibility‘ because it can’t be shared – it’s the obligation to bear the consequences of any action, & especially for failure to perform as expected. It includes striving to express our highest values in whatever we do, aspiring to be our best in all interactions.
accountable
Re. work: each person responsible for the tasks & functions essential to our role or position
Re. relationships: admitting & owning our motivations, words & actions – but not more than that (opposite of co-dependence)
EXP: • being clear & direct  • being trustworthy • not blaming others  • doing things the right way & for the right reason

✿ DISCRETIONdiscreet
Recognizing & avoiding any attitudes, words & actions that could create unpleasant or undesirable consequences. It includes being tactful – avoiding embarrassing situations, not upsetting others, good at keeping secrets, & not attracting inappropriate attention to ourself. Respectful of taboos, not being sucked into what we know is unhealthy or illegal – for ourself or in general
EXP: • choose our words carefully  • don’t make fun of others  • have good manners • thoughtfully consider criticism   • turn down any invitation to do what we know is socially or morally wrong

✿ PERSUASIVENESS (being effective)
The ability to gently maneuver “vital truths around another’s mental roadblocks.” Appeal to someone’s reason, values, beliefs or emotions, in order to convince them to adopt a particular belief or pursue a specific action to their benefit – without doing harm to them or ourself.
Having legitimate influence over others (parent, teacher, boss…. ) allows us to live more in line with what’s suitable, instead of what others want us to do or be
EXP:  • appeal to a person’s conscience in terms of their best qualities  • don’t argue or bully in order to convince someone  • don’t stretch the truth (lie) to make it more attractive  • point others in the right direction   • wait for the best time (have good timing)

✿ PUNCTUALITY
Having a good sense of timing & foresight, with the ability to plan ahead.  Consistently being on time shows that we’re the master of our life & therefore can be counted on.
It shows up as completing required tasks or fulfilling obligations before or by the time it’s due, being on time for appointments AND being prepared on arrival.  It’s knowing when our responsibility ends & someone else’s begins (boundaries), while showing respect for others’ time & plans.
EXP:
• be at the right place at the right time   • don’t make people wait for us  • don’t fall into the trap of “just one more”  • prepare for unexpected delays  • plan a daily schedule and keep it

✿ RECEPTIVITY
receptiveBeing ready & willing to gladly receive all the beneficial & beautiful things life has to offer. Notice whatever positive situation is unfolding in the present moment, taking in what’s available, & making the best use if it. Absorb & hold new suggestions or concepts quickly & easily, open to reasonable arguments, ideas, or changes.  Not having to fight for or be pushy about getting what we want.
EXP:
• accept people for who & what they are   • be grateful for what we have • be willing to receive when it appears  • patiently wait for things to develop

✿ SENSITIVITY / EMPATHY
Show consideration & personal concern for others. Consider things from someone else’s point of view. Be able to pick up on others’ actual attitudes, motives & state of mind (not mind-reading but rather from careful observation).  Understand & identify with the emotions of others – as a direct result of having access to a wide range of our own emotions.in their shoes

Making other people feel comfortable. Being able to fit into different social situations. Don’t decide about someone based only on one interaction, & don’t let our own fears or prejudices get in the way of how to treat them.  EXP:
•  do not feel sorry for yourself • have a deep appreciation for & acceptance of another’s point of view   • make it easy for people to click with us   • read body signals, tone of voice & facial expressions  • say supportive & comforting things to someone in pain

NEXT: Positive C. – Humanity #1