dr. Irene Verbal Abuse

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 2)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

co-dep angerTHERE’S NO WAY
for me to win!


PREVIOUS: Anger & Co-D (#1)

 

1. Re. OUR Anger (cont.)
a. MISSING Emotions (cont.)
i. Numb
ii. Disconnected
And then there are the times we FEEL something – that punch in the gut or the stab in the heart, BUT don’t know where it came from.
Our body’s legitimate reaction to abuse is disconnected from our mental center (cortex) because of years of involuntary denial. So —
√ we blame ourself for the pain, thinking we’re making it up, over-reacting / too sensitive, it’s hormonal….
AND
√ if we do make a vague association between our discomfort & a particular person, we justify & excuse it by thinking “they didn’t mean anything by it, it’s just the way they are, she/he DOES love me….”
cat collarIt’s as if we’re wearing one of those animal medical collars: we can see over the top of the stabbers face, but can’t see the knife in their hand as they shove it in!
However, if we take the collar off, & ask the Inner Child how it feels around that unhealthy parent/ friend /boss/ lover….. & if the Child is willing to respond – we find out exactly what’s going on!

So when denial starts wearing off, we’re shocked – first by the pain, & then realizing that all this time our thinking has been way off!
That’s liberating but also very scary, seeing that we’ve built much of
 our world on mental sand.
We have to revamp our whole concept of reality, which can leave us with a lot of anger, realizing how great the abuse really was.

For a long time we may hate our parents, the rage coming in waves. We still want them to be what they can’t & never could be.
Eventually we can accept that we no longer need them to take care of us – we are our own parent NOW, so we can learn to deal with them realistically – whatever that means for each of us.
BOOK: “Coping w/ Codependency” ~ Kay Marie Porterfield

b. INAPPROPRIATE anger/rage
Self-Hate: As co-dependents (Co-Ds) we are brutally critical of our own imperfections, even when they are absolutely normal for being human – whether making a mistake, not knowing something or making an error in judgment.

We also rage at ourselves any time we don’t get a need met or feel hurt – taking on the responsibility for other people’s limitations or unhealthy behavior.
At the same time – we sabotage opportunities for getting those very needs met – to stay loyal to our early training. (“People should treat me better, but….“)

🔹Repressed
In Claudia Black’s book “Deceived”, she places Co-Dep anger on a continuum: Avoidance <– Sideways anger — Anger –> Rage
At the far left it’s sometimes described as feeling dazed & defeated, often part of low-grade chronic depression. For many people (more often women), avoidance is a learned response to stress over time, starting in childhood, along with long-term painful / abusive adult relationships.

🔹Boiled frog syndrome
If placed into a pot of boiling water, a frog will immediately jump to safety rather than burn to death. However, if the frog is placed in a pot filled with room-temperature water, which is then very slowly brought to a boil, it will happily do the backstroke until it’s cooked from the inside out.

boiled frog syndromeCo-Dep anger can be like that as well. In a volatile situation we may fight back or just leave. But if we let our emotions accumulate in the POT, we end up stewing in our own juices until it feels like we’re choking.
Then the anger (& all the pain underneath) bursts outward in harmful ways, or inward with silence, uncontrollable crying, anxiety, constant fidgeting, physical illness…..

🔹Sudden flashes
On the other hand, unexpected burst of anger at others can be a sure sign of co-dependency at its tipping point – in reaction TO:
• always considering what someone else needs AND they rarely / never reciprocate
• being constantly disappointed, but still depending on narcissists to come thru for us – against all evidence
• hearing a correction or suggestion as criticism, triggering S-H
AND / OR
• not being able to get thru to someone, no matter how often we try
• someone not reading our mind – about what we need or want (so we don’t have to ask)
• trying to force someone to be or do something they either don’t want to do, or simply are not able
• trying very hard to please someone who will never be pleased, but we keep trying
• wanting someone to take care of us, but they won’t (& shouldn’t)

NEXT: Anger & Co-D – #3

Anger & CO-DEPENDENCE (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

codep anger OF COURSE I’M ANGRY –
everyone disappoints me!

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & Anger #2

SITEs: • Caring or Co-dependent?

• “Characteristics of Codependent People”

• ”3 Phrases That Will Instantly Calm Angry or Emotional People”


IMPORTANT: If you haven’t already, please read the above articles to acquaint yourself with the basics of co-dependence (Co-Dep), so you can put the topic of anger in perspective (Continuum CHART)

Internal characteristics : Co-Deps have DIFFICULTY with:
• self-esteem & self-care
• setting boundaries
• knowing & accepting all reality
• being moderate & balanced
• self-regulating emotions & behavior

Co-Deps (ACoAs & Addicts) are fundamentally ruled by buried shame, having had to cut ourself off from our internal world.
We rarely know how we actually feel – under all the spinning & drama.

The truth is that we don’t want to know, because it’s painful & we never learned how to develop an inner soother for such occasions. It’s ‘easier’ to stay on the surface & pretend things are just fine, rather than deal with what’s really going on inside – which is emotional starvation.

We may be very busy caretaking the world, but barely provide for ourselves. While it seems that we’re only focused on others, Co-Deps actually spend a great deal of time obsessing – on ourself! – on what we don’t have, what we wish we had, what we did wrong, what others are doing to us, what we/ they should be doing…..

Having to maintain the Co-Dep facade is exhausting, but it started so early in life, we think it’s the real us. Sadly, the performance gives us no satisfaction or relief because it feeds on & is maintained by S-H, anxiety & perfectionism. (Shame & Co-Dep)

1. OUR Anger – We generally think of Co-Deps as being weak, dependent victims. This is how a large portion of us act, even though we’re really not that weak, having survived many horrors, although not very well.

Others will express it as intense counter-dependence (Reverse Laundry List), even to the point of being self-deprivational (need-less & want-less), along with arrogance & grandiosity, our damage spilling out over everyone/ thing.

Many Co-Deps are not aware of our anger, so are often surprised when others react with annoyance to the ways we express it (tone of voice, teasing, unprovoked irritation…..) because we ‘didn’t mean it like that’ – consciously.  Dr Irene, on her excellent “Verbal Abuse” site, notes that:  Co-Deps misplace our anger – we get angry when we shouldn’t, & don’t get angry when we should.

a. MISSING Emotions
i. Numb: Co-Ds are so used to abuse, insensitivity & disrespect, that we have trouble consciously feeling the hurt inflicted on us by unhealthy people.  But the Inner Child does register every single verbal / emotional punch, stab, slap…. delivered by them. (Posts:  “Dissociation“)

Now we not only swallow the venom of those encounters, but add self-blame to the already tremendous reservoir of pain we’ve been carrying since childhood. Like mercury or lead poisoning, we continue to let ourselves be toxified!
NOTE: Fear of our own anger is called Angrophobia (not very original!)

Emotional numbness comes at the very bottom of the Feeling Continuum (but before death 😦 ), because the pain is so-o-o great that we’ve had to cut everything off, so it represents the most distressing level of feeling.
Co-Deps who are still in denial will often say they had a happy or OK childhood. The way we can tell if it was NOT is by listening to how we talk about ourselves – blaming ourselves for not getting what we need & vin life. ‘Emotional Body’ chart

CHART ⬇️

 

NEXT: Anger & Co-D (Part 2)