bullied

ACoAs – EDUCATION Inventory (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

school, schmoolSCHOOL, SCHMOOL!
What was it all for??

PREVIOUS: Time-Line Inventory

REVIEW post : “Family Inventory – Overview”

 

TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE in SCHOOL?
Whether because of moving, bullying, learning disabilities….  it can be cathartic to do this writing, surprising you about how much pain is still hiding under your mental carpet. This is one way to start cleaning out more of the sludge clogging our mental & emotional arteries – that keep up stuck.

IMP: Moving often meant new schools, which meant being the ‘new’ kid each time. In most cases this was a cause for peer-abuse. The more schools – the more pain! 

EXPERIENCE
a. Some ACoAs only went to 2-3 schools throughout our educational life
b. Others of us moved a great deal & so changed schools often
c. Some have had little formal education, but have learned a great deal on our own, by life experience, reading, unofficial classes….
SITUATIONS
✒︎ some of us did very well & gained a measure of self-esteem & positive feedback away from home
BUT we were abused / ostracized by other students for being smarter, favored by a teacher, getting awards, the child of someone ‘Special’, of a different religion….

✒︎ for some it was a relief to away from the chaos & neglect of the home, but for
others it was more of the same – being teased, ignored, deliberately abused….the scream

✒︎for some, we didn’t do so well, not because we were stupid (mentally limited) but because:
✐ it was too hard to concentrate, worrying about the bad things that did happen or could happen at home while we were away
✐ of having to hide physical &/or sexual abuse from everyone
✐ of ADD, illness or other personal difficulties
✐ bullied, made fun of… for being different in some way
✐ we didn’t fit in to the social setting of the school
✐ missed school because of illness – ours or family member
✐ moved often & got out of synch with class level….

The QUESTIONS — Use this as a FACTUAL inventory, at first, so you don’t get too overwhelmed. You can add emotions later, or on a separate sheet

SCHOOLS: • how were they paid for?
• every school you went to (Kindergarten thru college)
• dates, location, names — if possible, or approximately
• was there tuition & other costs?

To be more specific: use a separate page for each of your school years & at the top include the year, your age, the grade & school location.  It’s ok if you don’t know or remember – you may eventually, someone else may give you some info or you’ll leave it blank.  Fill in as much of the following as you can for each year.

FAMILY:last-minute
• what was each parent’s attitude toward school & education?
• what messages did they give you about it?
• how did your home life affect your homework?
• did your parents help with or hinder your schoolwork?
• did you get the clothes, books & other equipment you needed? If not, what happened?
• were they proud of your progress & achievements? Indifferent? Disappointed? How did that feel?

YOU:
For the grammar school years, do the best you can & ask others for info :  • which subjects did you take?
• did you like or dislike these classes? Why? The subjects you remember most easily tell you how you felt about them

• were there special assignments you did better in? worse? What were the teachers’ reactions?school bag
• were you in any clubs, special groups, cliques?
• were you a loner, disliked, ignored, teased, tortured OR liked, popular…

• were you alert, falling asleep, sick, out a lot? visible or invisible in class?
• did you play sports (group or individual)? Was it a positive or negative experience?

NEXT: School Inventory (Part 2)

ACoAs & Boundary INVASIONS (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

B invasion

GET OFF ME!
You’re in my space!

PREVIOUS: B.Distortion (#3)

See ACRONYM page for abbrev.

 

FoO = Family of Origin

1. BEING INVADED
EXP: Picture someone across a room that interests you & they seem open to being approached. You start walking toward them but something is slowing you down :
— tightly gripped around your neck & hanging heavily down your back is the invisible putrid body of your whole FoO (or maybe just one parent or certain sibling…). You realize you’re not free to have a one-to-one relationship with anyone, dragging around all that rotting baggage!

Some basic ways we were violated
1. PHYSICAL Boundary (B) invasions by parents & siblings
Starting in childhood – everyone needs their own private things, their space & time to be respected – as one way to find out who we are & be able to function autonomously as adults. Many of us did not have that opportunity. What were you allowed to have that was not violated?
Did you have ?
• to sleep in the same room as parents, allowed to sleep in their bed too often, shared a bedroom with a sibling…. – or too long
• no personal privacy : walked in on in the bathroom, opened your bedroom door or had to sleep in a common area, your mail & diaries read, listened in-on phone conversations, room ransacked ….
• forced enemas, constantly being poked or pulled at, ‘fixed up’, had to wear clothes you hated….
• others using your clothes & personal items without your permission
• to give a parent full recounting of everything you did whenever / wherever you were out, or what you were reading….

EXP: The PARTY LINE
With blurred boundaries, it’s quite common for person (A) in a toxic system to be the ‘communications hub’, in charge of hearing the grievances, messages, worries… of one member (B) about another in the family (C).
Then (A) passes the info on to (C), instead of (B) talking to C directly.

a. It makes the ‘hub’ person feel needed, important, in control, be in charge, to manipulate everyone, be the buffer, above it all….
b. It re-enforces everyone’s lack of good communication skills, fear of confrontation, of speaking their truth, of hurting others’ feelings or getting blow-back, of standing up for themself….

2. MENTAL Coercion (ongoing enmeshment)
a. Manipulations
Even our inner thoughts were invaded, usually by one parent, just like those African army ants! This is psychological bullying, “…. a poisonous form of parenting, compelling children to act or to choose” the adult’s way, never the child’s, with such tactics as:
• arguing, to convince child how wrong they are
hopeless• criticism or fault-finding
• sarcasm, ridicule
• verbal force – shouting
• distorted ‘logic’ – to totally convince child of parent’s point of view
• threats or warning of punishment if not quickly obeyed…..

RESULT of being bullied: the child will inevitably end up feeling despair, beaten down, out of control, hopeless, & eventually stockpile rage

b. Over-coercion
• This is a more intense form, coming from a rigid, narcissistic** &/or active-addict parent. In the ‘a’ category, bullies are aware their victim does not want to comply, but they don’t care.
In the ‘b’ form the perpetrator is not even aware that others – even their own children – have a mind or will of their own. They’re only interested in total compliance to their own narrow view of reality!
BTW, they treat everyone the same way if they can get away with it.

no way** Any difference of the child in taste, needs, opinions, style, way of doing things…. any sense of self not a carbon copy of the egotist – is labeled arrogance, defiance, disobedience, stubbornness…. So the child is constantly punished for not conforming to someone else’s personality! & will eventually become totally brainwashed or violently defiant.

• It would never dawn on an over-coercer that their child may legitimately:
— be too young to do or be exactly what the parent wants
— have an inherently different personality, with its own set of functional requirements
— have the developmental task of becoming a separate being, which includes disagreeing with ‘authority’ from time to time
— know some things the parent doesn’t. Narcissists think they’re never wrong!
EXP: Mom always said, literally: “I’m perfect” & meant it!

NEXT : = Boundary Invasions #2