acoas under-trusting

ACoAs UNDER – Trusting & Brain (Part 3)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

untrustworthyI DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE
but I’m afraid to let anyone in

PREVIOUS:
Under-Trusting (#2)

See post: ”Lack of Trust”

QUOTES: “Our distrust is very expensive.”  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
“….but you will live in torment unless you trust enough.” ~Frank Crane
“He who does not trust enough, will not be trusted.” ~Lao Tzu

INFO
A perception of competence is the belief that when we need to cooperate with other people, we’re capable of giving each other what we need. In abusive situations, perhaps the most obvious violation of competence is the neglectful parent.

A perception of intentions – in a trusting relationship – is when we believe that everyone’s working towards a shared desire, & no one’s going to be exploited. However, we can’t / shouldn’t trust someone we think or know is trying to use us for their own benefit    (MORE….)

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T Trust (Part 2)

🔶 RESULTS of UNDER-Trusting (UT)
EMOTIONAL
• we don’t experience the joys & challenges of intimacy because we never let our guard down, AND don’t find out what’s really going on w/ someone else
• it makes us bitter & cynical about others, because we miss out on great friendships & love – which can heal
• we miss out on fun, camaraderie, which alleviates some of our loneliness, AND provides relaxation

PERSONALdeprivation
• Keeps us isolated: we start out suspicious / paranoid from childhood, then the isolation makes us more so – because we don’t know what’s really going on around us
• Makes it hard to fulfill our potential, because we don’t trust genuine praise, OR helpful info from friends, bosses, teachers….

SOCIAL
• Don’t let others know who we are – really, not just our needs but our abilities, SO don’t get the mirroring, validation we need
• Lose respect & ‘street cred’ at work for not being more social or a team player
• Miss outlonely-senior on available info, opportunities which could help us advance, or find a new direction in life we’d prefer
• People don’t easily come to us for our knowledge, expertise, help…SO we don’t always get the admiration & honors we’ve earned & wish for
• Possibly lose loved ones, friends, even jobs – by being stingy, suspicious, unfriendly, uncommunicative

BEHAVIORAL
• Deprivation – we end up having to do everything ourselves & what we can’t do alone gets left undone – even if it’s important
• Keeps us from risking (which takes a certain trust / faith in the possibility of good outcomes), because we don’t have help when needed (sick, moving, fired, divorce, kids…)

spiritual disconnect

• On a broader scale, under-trusting separates us from the world at large. It can make us suspicious of anyone ‘not like us’, potentially leading to anti-social behavior

• UT makes it hard to have a spiritual connection, which prevents us from having a sense of belonging to the human race, leaving us ‘out in the cold’ just like we were in our family

*    *     *    *    *
🟩 The BRAIN & Trusting
1. A recent study (2015) with 82 participants showed differences in brain structure according to how trusting people are of others.
The most important finding was that the ventral medial prefrontal cortex was larger in people who tended to be more trusting of others, the region that serves to evaluate social rewards.

Another finding was that the volume of the amygdala was greater in 2 groups – those who were most trusting & those who were least trusting of others. This brain structure helps code & remember things that are emotionally important to us.

2. Many decisions we make hinge on how much we trust others, built on past dealings with a person OR their reputation.
A study used MRI to brain-scan participants while playing a Trust Game with various partners who – by social reputation – were pre-labeled as fair, unfair & indifferent, in order to make trust-based decisions together.

Any activated part of the brain uses more oxygen, so the more oxygenated blood that flows into an area, the stronger the signal.
The images showed the brain area called the caudate (deals with decisions & responds to reputation) “lit up” most strongly in the ‘trusters’ when dealing with unfair or indifferent partners, but not with the fair ones.

NEXT: Patterns of Mistrust – #1

ACoAs UNDER-Trusting (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

one eye open ALWAYS KEEP ONE EYE OPEN –
you never know where danger lurks!

PREVIOUS: OVER-Trusting (#2)

REVIEW post: ‘What is Shame’


🏴 MISTRUST = Suspicion
SO the lack of trust rests in ourself, by not using our intuition, observation, experience….  which causes a general sense of unease toward someone or something, but without proof (yet) — WHEN :
• you have no reason to think someone will do the wrong thing, but you don’t have a reason to trust them either
• OR: a person or situation seem questionable, but you intuition is picking up a hint from their words, action or manner
• OR: there’s actually no reason to be suspicious, so your mistrust is not deserved (paranoia)

🏴‍☠️ DISTRUST = Certainty, SO the lack of trust rests in ‘them’
• when you have good reason to not trust someone based on your experiences with them, usually more than once
• are given reliable information about someone or something which lets you know they’re not safe / trustworthy

🔶 UNDER-Trusting (UT) as Adults (cont.) 
The way we think & react emotionally to how others behave – not paranoideven necessarily toward us – has a direct impact on our lack of trust (our Ts – CDs and Es – FoA).
It’s usually based on a combination of all our unhappy past adult relationships, but mainly those with our parents .

This can easily lead to a subtle, underlying paranoia that colors everything. What’s necessary for mental health & peace of mind is to see & understand who people are individually, & not lump them together as all bad or unsafe.

REALITY : We incorrectly ‘mistrust’ some people who —
•  are simply not interested in us – nothing personal – we’re just not a good fit, or they’re caught up in their own little world
•  really are insensitive, mean or otherwise unavailable, which hurts
•  are just taking care of themselves instead of focusing on us – at the moment – it feels like they’re turning their back, because we’re expecting them to be the good Inner Parent as our comforter & companion

Without a Healthy Adult ego-state the WIC can’t tell the difference between these 3 groups – so when disappointed, we regress into that old ‘slough of despair” (Pilgrim’s Progress), where “all is cloudy, hopeless & no one is ‘good’!”

🔶 WHY ACoAs DON’T TRUST
a. Abandonment (too many PMES losses)cling /rejected
In spite of the fact that we were raised by untrustworthy people & we still long to be taken care of, as adults WE —
— continue to cling to people, places & situations (PPT) which do not have to the inherent capacity to provide even our most basic human needs, much less compensate for all we missed out on in childhood. The combined of old & new deprivation adds up, which can be deadly for us & to those around us.

The less we’re treated with respect —> the more abandoned we feel —-> the more wounded we get —-> the more demanding the WIC becomes —> getting angrier & angrier.

When this core button is pushed we may use familiar character defects:
• withdraw, sulk, withhold          • be paranoid & accusatory
• get controlling & micromanage     • be clingy & desperatefreaked out

AND when our anxiety reaches a level of hysteria. we can’t stop ourselves from making a painful situation worse, setting others up to fight with or withdraw from us, increasing our sense of loss & mistrust.
Then we say “I knew it all along – no one is there for me!” even though in some cases we contributed to it

b. Self-Hate – As a result of original abandonment, WE:
Internally: • don’t know who we are, fundamentally
• can’t identify most our needs (even the basic, normal human ones) much less havwrongEllie the right to get them met
• are convinced we don’t deserve to be treated well, so don’t notice or reject anyone who is actually capable of being kind
• don’t trust our own knowledge, experience & observations

Externally: • we stay too long with unhealthy people
• don’t trust that anyone will ever be able or willing to help us
THEN – we say “I hate everyone, no one likes me, I don’t belong anywhere”….

NEXT: Under-Trusting (Part 2)