acoa recovery

Double MESSAGES – ACoAs (Part 7b)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

I CAN’T WIN for LOSING!
If I let go, I’ll be all alone! Wa-a-a-a

PREVIOUS: ACoAs & DM (#7a)

 

1. DM from Family

2. OUR inner D. Bind as a result
Once we have a working knowledge of this ‘game’ we can take a serious look at the D. Messages we give ourselves & how the repercussions permeate our whole life.

★ We rarely realize what we’re ‘saying’ to ourselves, or that it comes from the WIC (R = receiver) via the PP (S = sender).
EXP:
Belief A – It’s good to flirt (sexy, desirable, successful…) – AND
Belief B – It’s bad to flirt (slutty, superficial, manipulative…)
RESULT
— If I DO flirt I’m inundated with Self-hate (ACoAs’ main form of self-punishment, courtesy of the PP).  Flirting expresses my natural sexuality, but I can’t enjoy being seen as sexual because it shows that I’m ‘dirty’.

— If I DON’T flirt, I may: > ‘put off’ potentially positive relatiflirt or notonships
> miss out on -safe- attention, compliments, sex… (my right to have)
> be considered frigid, unfriendly, a snob…. (even tho’ I’m just scared!)
> miss opportunities to get legitimate favors, help & considerations by being charming (with boundaries)…

★ Another way we trap ourselves & frustrate others is being stuck in the ‘Complain —> Help offered —> Reject —> Complain’ syndrome.
• we go on & on about a problem to anyone who’ll listen, implying that we need help. (Of course we would never ask for it outright!) BUT
• when people offer possible solutions, we reject them all & continue complaining!

WHY: The suggestions may not fit our specific need, which is legitimate, but most often – we’re addicted to being unhappy (Victim), don’t feel worthy of being helped, or think there is no solution – for us.
Eric Berne calls it the “Why don’t you – Yes, But….”  Game
See post: “People should treat me better, but I won’t let them”

★ Most common Double Message we give OURSELVES
The 3-part hamster-wheel-thinking, even ACoAs in Recovery:
A: I’m stuacoa DB wheelck & in a lot of pain. I’m trying really hard to heal from my childhood, which I -sort of- know wasn’t so great. I read books, go to Meetings & therapy, Couple’s Counseling, seek alternative & spiritual healing …..
AND / BUT,
B. No matter how hard I try I’ll just never get any better. I’m always going to mess up, & get abandoned. I’ll never get the relationship I want, I don’t know how to love, I wouldn’t know a healthy person if they bit me!…..
It’s my fault because I’m just too slow, too dense, too stubborn, too damaged.
C. I can’t notice or object to or escape my self-imposed trap (WIC obeying the PP) !

Can you hear the D.Message, creating the D.Bind? 
• Position A. implies that you’ve been wounded AND can heal from it. You believe it’s actually possible to Recover because you did not start out defective – you were damaged by your early environment, so you’re willing to do the work at healing – as unfair as that is!
At the same time:
• Position B. blatantly asserts that your ‘f—ed-up-ness’ was not caused by anyone other than yourself. Didn’t your family love you, mean well & do the best they could? It was you who were born defective & therefore it’s hopeless to improve or outgrow your flaws & weaknesses. It’s just the way it is – everything is your own fault & it’s never going to change. You cause your own misery, but it’s what you deserve, so “why bother”.

You can’t have it both ways! Either you’re wounded & can repairingheal, or you’re defective & therefore intrinsically, irrevocably worthless.
a. If you were truly defective you’d be un-repairable. So why would you even try to work on yourself? Why go into Recovery? It would be dumb = futile, a waste of time & money
b. However –  If you are in fact wounded – by your upbringing – which you did cause! – then you can slowly outgrow / repair the damage.

BUT to do that you must give up the belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with your personality. It cannot be both A & B! With this conflict UNresolved, is it any wonder why we’re stuck?

BTW – some ACoAs try to cover up this dilemma by always being angry, distant & blaming everyone else for their problems, but the original DM  (Form #3) is always running in the background, like a computer virus.

NEXT: DMs – Results (Part 9)

Double MESSAGES – ACoAs (Part 7a)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

acoa DBs
I CAN’T BELIEVE
I’ve been so duped!

PREVIOUS: Double Messages, Part 6 




FACING OURSELVES
1. Many of us grew up drowning in Double Messages (DMs). Being raised in this kind of atmosphere this is how we connect with others, using this way of communicating in all relationships, especially the intimate ones. So if we’re serious about Personal Growth & taking responsibility for our patterns, it’s important to see how this all plays out

Childhood EXP: In many alcoholic families, where the addict (& most everyone else) is/are in total denial – if one of the kids has the nerve to complain about or object to the harmful effects of the drinking, the alcoholic (& others) will label them as THE problem, rather than the addiction, because that kid is disrupting the family’s fragile mobile (Post: B. Distortions, #1).
Then the whistle-blower child is forced into either being a co-dependent enabler, OR withdrawing & eventually leaving the family altogether. Either way – everyone loses.

Adult EXP: 2 clients who both attended 12-Step meetings were going to the same psychologist – separately. At some point they started dating.
> Sarah didn’t tell the therapist right away, but instead asked his opinion about seeing someone in the Program. The reply was that it waDM angry clients not a great idea, especially in the first year of attendance. Sarah finally came out with the whole story but concluded: “I get it, you just don’t want me to date Chuck!”

> After a few weeks Sarah complained in session about all the problems with Chuck. She said in angry accusation: “So why didn’t you warn be against seeing him? Aren’t you supposed to be helping me?”

>> AND there was the DM: The therapist was bad for “preventing” and bad for “not preventing”.
However, he didn’t get caught, but pointed out the Double Bind she had created so she wouldn’t have to own her decision or deal with the stress of two WICs trying to have an adult relationship!
PS: the 2 clients did marry AND eventually divorced.

REVIEW / REMINDER : Parental DM – forced on the Hero, the Introvert or the Sensitive child : 
A. Incompetence – Be dysfunctional, like us (misery loves company)
• parents (& later our PP) want us to be their carbon copy : fearful, self-hating, stuck, not risking, depressed, powerless, OR controlling, angry, limited, paranoid ….
• and they spend a lot of time putting us down, pounding into us all the things we can NOT do, & how lazy, weak, wrong, selfish & over-sensitive we are
BUT ALSO:
B. Competence : Be confusuion cornerfunctional, like we wish we were (so you can take care of us)
•  we must make them feel safe, not feel abandoned, fix them, be their parent
• and, have to be : > perfect, strong, gutsy, able to take risks – for them
> have backbone, fight for them, save them from themselves
> be smart, capable, clever, & use all our knowledge (for THEM)
AND
C. Be in Denial (the way we are)
They won’t tolerate questioning or objections to how they’re treating us, insisting that we’re ungrateful, making things up, being defiant, ‘difficult’, spoiled….
“I never said that!  ,  How dare you speak to me that way?!  , Stop complaining, after all I’ve sacrificed for you!…. ”   DENY, deny, deny what we’re doing to you.

★ This DM forms the basis of our own DB – next post

OUR PAIN: They were our first role models. What kind of example did they set? Kids absorb & imitate their parents, regardless. We imprint on them like ducklings! Yet what left for us is fear & confusion.

• If they were capable of **truly loving us, they would have wanted us to be happy, free & successful – for ourself.  So obviously they didn’t / couldn’t love us – not really!
No matter how much we don’t want to hear that, the WIC knows!

Just because they say/said “I love you” doesn’t mean they do – except in some narcissistic way. Remember, if you had been truly loved, you could have ‘normal’ human insecurities, but NO self-hate!

NOTE ** Healthy parental love is expressed in many ways, but most of all by being Nurturing. Children can only develop self-esteem if they feel truly loved. And that can only happen if parents have the capacity to be loving, kind, supportive, rational, available, sober….  not just give it lip service.

NEXT: ACoAs & Self DBs, Part 8b

Double MESSAGES – Styles (Part 5)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

DMS all tied up

THERE ARE SO MANY WAYS

I can mess with your mind!            

PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 4b

See ACRONYM page for  abbrev.

 

NOTE: Do not confuse DMs with changing your mind, or ‘going back on your word’ : “I said I would, but now I can’t. Sorry.”. It can anger or disappoint someone, but it is not presenting them with 2 contradictory statements or command, which the person must try to make sense of & ‘honor’ EXP:  “I love you, I hate you /  Be good,  be bad / Help me, don’t help me”…. at the same time.

VERBAL AMBIGUITY is also not a form of DMs, which are single statements having 2 or more possible meanings – perplexing, sometimes leading to mistakes & embarrassment, but not usually harmful. EXPs:
> “I saw John with binoculars.”  Who had the glasses – me or John?
> Consider “The HORTA” episode from the original Star Trek, when Cpt. Kirk finally encounters the rock-creature mother reacting to crewmen smashing her eggs, & she etches on the wall in acid: “NO KILL I”.
> Or the alien cookbook “To Serve Man” in the 1962 Twilight Zone episode

STYLES of Double Messages (DMs)
1. Two opposite VERBAL declarations, sometimes together, often at different times which makes it much hard to catch.  EXP:DM re. alls
A – Sam says to Jane:  “Let’s get together. Call me anytime” (I need to connect – I’m lonely).
SO Jane calls, but no answer. She tries a day later & he answers, but is curt.

She tries again in a week & he gets angry:
B – “Why are you calling so much?” (I feel suffocated by you neediness / pushiness).
MESSAGE: You’re a commodity AND a nuisance! (Come here/go away)

EXP : The computer HAL in “2001: A Space Odyssey” was programmed with a D. Message, forcing him into a D. Bind :
A – “Always process information accurately” (never lie) – AND
B – “Keep the true purpose of the mission a secret from your fellow crew members” (in this case – you must lie)
OUTCOME = a ‘mental break’, leading to the only solution HAL could come up with – murder the crew.

2. A hostile communication (verbal abuse) WITH an endearment
sweet covers sourEXP: “Don’t be so stupid, darling / My dear, you’re a pathetic moron /
I hate you, don’t leave me! / Baby, you know I can’t live without you! Why do you always let me down?”

3. One verbal WITH one physical (tone of voice, facial expression, body position or style of interaction…). What is said doesn’t match how it’s said
EXP: • Your brother says you’re really smart, but with a smirk
• Someone says “Your hair looks great” with a frown
• A co-worker looks angry & stiff, but says: “I’m fine, nothing’s wrong”
• A wife spends less & less time at home, but says: “I’m not avoiding you”
• A husband says: “Of course I love you”, in a flat tone & looks away

4. Both non-verbal : Bateson’s famous EXP – a hug given stiffly = OSTENSIBLY an act of affection AND/BUT with emotional distance. Note the legs on the stiff-hugger – not quite ‘in’.
It leaves the recipient wondering – Which is it, are you happy to see me or not?

5. Verbal ‘encouragement’ inside a negating event
EXPs: “Of course I want you to get better”, as the husband hands his newly recovering alcoholic wife a beer
• Boss to new bank MBA employee: “Here’s a important project to cut your teeth on. Lets see how good you are”.
BUT unknown to the young man – the ‘project’ is an unsolvable accounting mess specifically designed to fail.

PS: Only an ACoA would drive themselves crazy actually trying to work it out – afraid to look dumb & get fired!
★ Unlike young Lt. James T. Kirk, who solved the ‘unsolvable’ Kobayashi Maru dilemma – by changing the rules – one legitimately way to deal with DBs!

CHART : Typical DB relationship between a co-dependent & a narcissist.
PINK wants a ‘one-way symbiosis’ without being vulnerable.
GREEN needs to have boundaries, but is willing to forgo them in order to keep the relationship, no matter how harmful.  MORE…)
NOTE that here the healthy win-win options are not used – ‘whited out’ .
Screen Shot 2014-02-09 at 8.00.17 PMNEXT: DMs (Part 6)

Double MESSAGES – Mind Games (Part 4a)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confused turtle THEY’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY
but I can’t figure out what’s wrong

PREVIOUS: DMs Part 4

REVIEW posts:‘Emotional abuse’  and ‘Toxic family Rules’

 

REVIEW: Double Messages (DMs) are manipulative forms of verbal & emotional abuse – always about control rather than love, no matter what someone tells you. DMs are not usually blatant or presented directly, but often come in the form of seduction or as accusation. They’re structured so that the Receiver is deliberately conned into believe there’s no solution, & so no escape from the trap. We can also play this game with ourselves, & ACoAs often do.

✦ In most cases, Receivers who are vulnerable to Senders’ DMs are not likely to know a way to side-step or challenge the game, because they are:
• children, who are -of course- dependent on their caretakers & don’t stand a chance when subjected to a manipulative parent
• oblivious: any adult raised by such a parent, therefore pre-conditioned

•‘normal’ people who are too idealistic & naive, assuming no one would wish them harm (like themselves), especially if the S starts out by being ‘so nice & helpful’
• adults conditioned by their society, religion &/or family to accept whatever an ‘authority’ tells them, without question — not allowed to think for themselves, or to think clearly, no matter how natively intelligent

SPEAKING OF GAMES (see Part 3), these 2 posts are a slight digression from the topic of DMs & DBs, but so striking that it’s worth including. The following examples may or may not be a part of some DBs, but they’re cruel, the same way DBs are. This is by fall inot DBno means complete, so add your own family’s dysfunctional games as you become aware of them.

DEF of GAMES, from Eric Berne’s “Games People Play“:
“A pre-set, structured series of social transactions, superficially plausible but with (selfish or destructive) hidden motives, leading to a well-defined predictable outcome.”
Games are usually dysfunctional, subconscious programs created by the Little Professor ego state (& scroll down), to gather ‘strokes’ not allowed directly – negative ways to emotionally feed the Self. As far as the WIC is concerned, even negative strokes are better than none at all

NOTE: Some games are for fun & generally harmless, like a flirting ritual used to cajole someone into bed – as long as both people understand the rules & agree to the outcome.

HARMFUL mind GAMES – article by Brenda Nelson, 2008.
These are examples of abusive emotional TRICKS played by parents on their children, and on each other! They insure not being able to form strong family bonds, generating a lack of trust in the children, who will NOT look back on them fondly.

🦨 When You’re Older / Maybe for Your Birthday / Wait ‘til Christmas
This game starts any time a child asks for something (a doll, a bike, a trip, a car…. ) which the parent has no intention of providing. While sometimes asking a child to wait is legitimate, most often it’s just a cowardly & dishonest way for a parent to avoid saying ‘NO’ outright.
What unhealthy adults don’t realize is that children will always hear these phrases as a promise : “Yes, but later”.
What’s really going on is that the parent hopes the child will forget, but of course they don’t – they just wait. What children also never forget is the broken promise, but which is in fact being lied to & conned

🦨 Your Mother / Father Said
When parent A tells parent B to make the child to do something, & makes B be the messenger: “Your mother said you have to clean your room  pronto / Your father wants you to mow the lawn, right now……”. This is chickening out by both adults, a triangulation (A should have told the child him/herself), and
B can make A seem like the bully (bad cop), while staying the ‘nice’ one (good cop).

NEXT:  Styles of DMs, Part 4b

Double MESSAGES – Procedure (Part 3)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , ,

talk / no
PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 2

BOOK: “Double Bind: The Foundation of the communicational approach to the family.” 1976, Gregory Bateson


HOW it WORKs (R = Receiver / S = Sender)
1. The D. Messages (DMs) <—> D. Binds (DBs) game is with 2 or more – a victim & someone the victim experiences as their ‘superior’.

a. When the DB is from government, media, religion…..  for it to be effective – the target audience must be willing to ignore logical reasoning, want to be ‘taken care of’, & assumes the authority is benevolent (which the Ss always say they are), so that the Rs accept whatever is being promoted

b. On a one-to-one basis, Rs must be involved in an intense, personal & deeply needed relationship, where they feel it’s absolutely vital to clearly & accurately understand what the S wants / needs of them, in order to respond appropriately (keep the connection)

2. The game is a repeated experience, not a single event.
The R is therefore trapped with a S who continually gives two different ‘orders of message’, each of which cancels the other one out
> Yet both ‘rules’ must be obeyed. Punishment is always a possibility, & can be : the cold-shoulder, withdrawal of affection, physical abuse, verbal attacks (hate & anger), physical neglect or outright abandonment…..
SET UP:
a. Primary Injunction is imposed on the victim:
> “Learn all your lessons, or I’ll punish you” – AND
> “Don’t act smart, or I’ll punish you”

b. Secondary Injunction, which conflicts with the first, is at a more abstract level, & doesn’t have to be spoken
EXP: “You must do X (because I asked), but only because you want to (please me)”

c. Tertiary injunction – often added to prevent escape. R registers the second-level demands hinted at by posture & tone, also enforced by indirect threats to Rs’ survival OR actual punishment.
They are META-messages = DO NOT:
overruled🔻 notice or comment on the discrepancy between how I present myself or my claim to be a good person AND the many ways I continually neglect or abuse you
🔻 question my intentions NOR the unfairness of this situation
🔻 object or try to evade my threats & punishments
🔻 try to get away from or out of the bind I’ve put you in

EXP: Out loud, Mother says “I love you,” but body language (stiffness if hugged) says, “I don’t love you.”  The boy responds by withdrawing. She then blames him for causing a ‘rupture’ in their relationship. He can’t win! When often repeated:
INTERNALLY
= he learns to distrust his experience & thoughts, forced into a psychological split – the conviction that she’s all-good (believing her words) & he’s all-bad for withdrawing (S-H, based on her subliminal message + her accusation)
EXTERNALLY
= it’s hard for him to communicate effectively, nor understand what other people really mean or believe what they say

THEN: Once the META-messages become ingrained, the smallest signal will trigger the pre-set response from a R (like Pavlov’s dog), who will go to great lengths to be ‘good’ & not make the S angry.

The R may beg & cry, promising to do better or to do something ‘grand’ but impossible – like being perfect all the time. They dramatically change how they act, trying different styles of behavior, to see which will work to satisfy the perpetrator (S).

• The R may eventually withdraw, stop functioning at all or try to commit suicide, implying: “You disapprove of me the way I am. Maybe you’ll finally be satisfied when I’m dead!”
Actually, in very dysfunctional families, that’s one of the literal or hidden statements some parents make: “Why did I have to have a kid like you? I never wanted kids in the first place. You’ll be the death of me yet.”……

UNFORTUNATELY, none of the R’s tactics will ever make any difference. The game is rigged – designed for the R to fail but to keep trying. No wonder so many ACoAs think they’re mentally imbalanced, AND wish they were dead!

♥ About ACoAs: DMs, Part 8a & b

NEXT: DMs – Purpose (Part 4)

Double MESSAGES – Senders / Receivers (Part 2)

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

Screen Shot 2015-09-21 at 12.03.59 PM
I CAN MAKE YOU DO
what ever I want!               

PREVIOUS: DMs, Part 1

SITE: “Double Bind Theory: Still crazy-making
after all these years”

SENDERS (Ss) are adults with some type of ‘power status’ in a relationship, the one-up position, assumed or legitimate, FROM:
• Parent to child
• Boss to worker
• Male to female
• Teacher to student
• Dominant to subordinate lover / spouse / friend
• Mother-in-Law to son’s wife
• Cop to perp, Politician to The People….

✦ While most Ss are not conscious of what they’re doing, there are some who deliberately use this tactic to capture others : savvy business people, clever criminals, some religions, & those trained in high-powered sales, advertising, the military, media & government.
Confronting these Ss is either impossible or dangerous, so it’s best to avoid them when we can.

✦ Double Messages (DM) are a favorite way abusers control their victims (Receivers – Rs). Yet Senders False Selfrarely know they’re being ruled by a false self. Nor would they admit that they’re desperately lonely, even when not alone, yet terrified of genuine intimacy, & prone to creating drama wherever they are

• The much-used defense against their anxiety & vulnerability is to have as much power & control as possible, a life-long struggle for dominance – which can only provide a false sense of security.

• The S’s armor is the absolute conviction that all their actions are ‘for the good of others’ – so they’re never in the wrong! To maintain this self-created illusion they rely on blaming & shaming others.
This deflects any responsibility for their emotions or actions, making it clear that everyone else is ‘bad’ – except them, of course. Their private logic says that -naturally- anyone who opposes them is ‘against what is good’, & thus ‘deserves whatever they get’, justifying the S’s cruelty.

RECEIVERS (Rs)
DM ReceiverIn this destructive Game (see Part 3) the Receiver is anyone who gets caught – Senders can only get away with the psychological/ emotional mess they try to create if someone is vulnerable to this type of communication.

Being the Dominant One in every situation is definitely in the S’s mind, although the intended ‘target’ does not usually agree, which including those who may not be able to overtly stand up to the S, such as workers who need to keep their job.

IMP: In any social interaction, whoever reacts less has more power, explained in detail in “The Givers & the Takers”.
Reacting is an expression of investment or compliance – which humans only do with people & things we value. Rs are by definition reactors, so are automatically in the one-down position, always wanting to ‘please’, even if the other person is a complete stranger.

This is obvious with co-dependent ACoAs who have been conditioned to be afraid of displeasing anyone, consciously or not.
One can understand giving in to a loved one, but what kind of investment would an ACoA have in a stranger?
Well, the WIC is terrified of abandonment & needs everyone to accept & approve of it, no matter who it is, or whatever the personal cost. Although not everyone we deal with will take advantage, this fear automatically makes us fair game for manipulators.

✦ So no matter how smart, educated, creative, thoughtful Rs are, by reacting they fall into the S’s frame by slanting the communication, who is then in control (Framing in DBs, Part 2)

EXP: At a pick-up place a guy wants to get lucky, so he approaches a pretty girl: “You know what? I have an instinct about you – a part of you is very sweet & innocent, and a part is a real pain-in-the-ass trouble maker. I bet I’m going to bring out the devil in you!” She not only shyly agrees to both versions, but is flattered & titillated, which = being seduced.

Because the girl reacts (positively) to the frame he has set up, the guy now has the power, therefore the higher value, therefore he ‘wins’.  Boy 1 – Double-Binded Girl 0!

♥ About ACoAs: DMs, Part 7a & b

NEXT: DMs, #3

Double MESSAGES – Basics (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, mental health, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , ,

confusion  

YOU’RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!
Make up your mind – which do you want??

PREVIOUS: Rebuilding Trust (Part 2)

SITEs:  Types of ambiguity

“The Double Bind: Intimate Tie Between Behavior & Communication”

Let’s start by looking at the basic way we process information.
CHART 1 is the Input-outgo loop everyone has. Our heredity, plus the type of beliefs, experiences, rules & personal preferences in each component part of us – determines how we understand & process incoming experiences, which then indicates our responses.

 CHART 2 is the Normal communication process with others. Here each person is doing what is shown in Chart #1.


DOUBLE MESSAGES, on the other hand, are not-normal (unhealthy /sadistic) ways to transmit ideas, which always end badly for the one trying to decode the message being sent.
(‘How it works’ in Part 3).

● Double Messages (DM) are used by a controlling Sender (S) <—> to enslave a vulnerable Receiver (R), who is then caught in a Double Bind (DB). Enslaved?? Yes, whether deliberate or not!

BTW: a DM is not just repeating something twice!!, nor….getting differing opinions or answers from the same source…. nor trying to figure out what someone wants or means when they don’t know themselves

EXP of Double Message
A: Damaged parent to child “(Of course) I love you”.
Implied: “See how much I do for you, aren’t I a good mother/ father? I need you, so don’t ever leave me, or be mad, or expect me to…. right? (child has to agree)”  – AND

B: Same Parent “(I’m trying to hide that) I don’t love you in a healthy way”.  (child has to ignore)
Implied by being continually judgmental & dissatisfied with child = “Don’t bother me, I’m always annoyed by you & your needs, you never do anything right / what I want / the way I want, you’re such a pain, get away from me!”)
opposite laws
C. ALSO – implied on the meta-level:
“If you point out or object to part B I’ll deny it, say you’re crazy or ungrateful & expect you to carry on as if you didn’t notice the contradiction.
Keep trying to please me even though I’ll never be satisfied, because you’ll sink (die) without me!”   OUCH!!

✤ Many ACoAs grew up in an atmosphere of this DM – & others – created by our family (DMs Part 2 – Form 3), which left us with a deep sense of futility & powerlessness about most things, especially of ever getting our needs met.
Now we live in a world of DBs, finding others who also do that to us, but even worse – it’s what we do to ourselves (most common one in DMs Part 5).

🦠 Double Messages create Double Binds, a ruthless way of forging invisible bondage based on fear of abandonment, which can only be completely effective when used against the immature or the already wounded.
DBs ultimately cause paralysis by trapping someone between the natural human wish to get away from bad things – like punishment, & go towards good things – like approval (aversion & desire).

• As shown in DMs Part 4 – Style 3, a threat delivered with a smile is still a threat, causing confusion. When confronted with a threat, we want to run away, but – ikey to DMsf the threat is combined with a smile, even a mock-smile, we may not know what to do.  Deer in the headlights?

• The KEY to figuring out DMs is that the same subject matter is being presented from opposite sides, AS IF both are true, at the same time!
EXP: I love you when you sing (show off)  / I hate you when you show off (sing)
NOTE: The main difference between DMs (from speaker / sender) & DBs (in listener / receiver) is = who holds all the power in this kind of relationship, which is always the Sender.
Otherwise the descriptions & procedures are the same – it’s only a matter of perspective. Also – it’s not correct to say “A DB is a mixed message that….”. Instead, a DB is the result of a mixed message that puts someone in a no-win situation.

NEXT: Double Binds (Part 2)

2013 ACoA Blog STATS – WordPress Review

dmtorbi ACoAs, al-anon, alcoholism, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help ,

Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 4.28.52 AM

HAPPY NEW YEAR from

Donna  M Torbico


Thank you for making 2013 another successful blogging year.     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

world stats

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20 MOST READ TOPICS of 2013  / VIEWS
1.  Lost Child Role                                         5,789
2.  Scapegoat Role                                         3,432
3.  Hero Role                                                   2,425
4.  Boundaries  list (#1)                                1,712
5.  Mascot Role                                               1,423
6.  Placater Role                                             1,355
7.  Toxic Family RULES                                   731
8.  Boundaries List (#2)                                   668
9. Character Traits & Con                               628
10. Lack of Trust #1)                                        476
11. Why are you stuck?                                   376
12. Safe & Unsafe People                                362
13. Setting + Boundaries (#1)                         316
14. Roles & Co-dependence                            301
15. Toxic Family ROLES                                   263
16. Separation & Indiv. (#1)                           259
17. ACoAs & Self-esteem – NOT                    247
18. Passive-aggressive ACoAs                        246
19. How ACoAs Abandon others                   243
20. Satir’s Blamer Role                                    238

KEEP READING & KEEP GROWING!

ACoAs: REBUILDING Trust (Part 1)

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , ,

backstabbed
IT’S HARD TO LET GO
when I’ve been disrespected

PREVIOUS: Being Trustworthy

QUOTE: “To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.” ˜˜George MacDonald, Scottish novelist

1. BETRAYED – by OTHERS
Because ACoAs have been let down again & again by our family, as adults we continue the pattern of feeling unsupported:

1. BY assuming we have an understanding with a friend, lover, boss…. that they will treat us with respect & reliability – without actually talking to them about our needs & hopes, nor getting an agreement from them!

• We expect people to be able to read our minds – the way a small child legitimately needs their parents to be able to do – showing that we’re still functioning emotionally from the WIC

• So when someone doesn’t come thru for us the way we expect (but unsaid by either party) we feel betrayed .
BUT what has actually been betrayed are our own hopes, illusions, fantasy & assumptions about the other person!  In these cases others have not betrayed us, since they did not make the commitment we imagined, whether emotional, physical, financial or verbal

2. BY keeping people in our life who DO continually disappoint, while longing to be with someone we can truly depend on.  To change who we choose we need to continually work on S & I

• When we catch someone actually messing up, they can react several ways: apologize insincerely, make excuses, withdraw or attack us.

These tactics are meant to deflect responsibility from themself
, while underneath they may be:
• puzzled as to what they did wrong, because they’re shut down (Es) & in deep denial (Ts) about their character defects, so they can’t change what they don’t understand
• indifferent, insensitive, narcissistic – don’t care about you
• may feel self-hate, shame, guilt, fear, anger, but can’t own them, so they need defenses (character defects) as protection

There are MANY WAYS to be betrayed, and not just by a cheating spouse or lover.  Itstay or go can be by paid professionals, family members, friends, colleagues, bosses or clergy
•  If you’ve been hurt on many occasions by someone you believed in, you have to decide if you can continue, or need to end the association.
Choosing between the 2 is rarely easy or fast, but in most cases leaving is ultimately the best for your PMES health – if possible. At the very least you can put some distance by using healthy boundaries.

• If you want to continue the relationship (or not), you need to & have a right to ask for a ‘talk’ to clear the air, but they may not be able or willing.
You can’t force someone to admit to flaws in the way they treat you, nor change the way they act, no matter how hard you try!

🧩 STAYING with a VIOLATOR
As the Violated person, you need to:
• identify & deal with painful emotions of betrayal (shock, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear…) – instead of excusing the other by minimizing their bad behavior, the practical consequences & emotional distress

• ask for total transparency – no more lying or double-dealing. They need to be forthcoming without always being prodded
• going forward, believe the person’s actions not their words

• adjust your expectations to what’s actually possible in this situation. Evaluating unrealistic hopes or demands you have of the other person
• be respectful, positive & kind (not punishing or vengeful), but stay awake

• look at yourself too, for any way you may have contributed to the problem.  You did not cause their behavior but may have helped create a climate which made it inevitable or too easy for them to acting out – including things you did NOT do or say

• decide if you can forgive. This does not mean white-washing or overlooking bad behavior. Work to understand the reasons behind it & having some compassion for their weaknesses – knowing the choices made are from their WIC. But the actions are unacceptable, so letting go of hurt may take time

NEXT: Rebuilding Trust (Part 2)

Being TRUSTWORTHY

dmtorbi 12-step, ACoAs, al-anon, Alcoholics Anonymous, alcoholism, coaching, mental health, Problem-Solving, Psychotherapy, recovery, self growth, self-help , , , , , , , ,

being reliable
TRUST ALWAYS STARTS WITH ME –
by honoring my awareness & knowledge

PREVIOUS: Healthy Trusting (Part 2)

QUOTES: “One who does not act in accordance to the deep voice of his inner conscience can not be honest, truthful, trustworthy, loyal & faithful to anyone.”  ~ Anuj Somany, Indian Poet & Civil Engineer

“A relationship without Trust is like a car with our fuel – it can not move ahead.”∼ Invaji

“Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.” ~ Corrie Ten Boom

TRUSTWORTHINESS
DEF: Being consistent in what you say & do – the same at work, at home & everywhere else. You don’t pretend to be someone else – you are accountable, reliable, responsible & resourceful. “Consistency reinforces trust.

We first need to be reliable toward our Inner Children. Then we’ll express that quality with others, which gives ACoAs the sense of empowerment we say we want. With an inner assurance & positive outer experiences, it reduces anxiety in ourself & the people we deal with.
Trustworthiness is based on a combination of our natural Personality, shared Values, Skills, Integrity & Good-will – which applies to all types of relationships.

BEING T. requires that WE:
• have mostly stopped obeying the Bad Parent voice & all it’s Toxic Beliefs
• are not driven by Self-Hate
• no longer have to lie in order to hide ourself (from the  ACoA Laundry List )
• be much less afraid of abandonment, so can take reasonable risks
WE:
• have burned off enough rage so we don’t have to take it out on others, no matter how subtly
• don’t need to compel anyone to stay with us, to insist others see us, to prove ourselves….
• are able to hear our own ‘still small voice’ & act on it
• know what our rights, skills & talents are, & not afraid to use them

POSITIVE EXPRESSIONS
Psychological – BE:
• first & foremost honest with yourself, based on self-esteem
• able to resist temptations to hurt others for your benefit
• fair in all your interactions – treat others as you want to be treated
• respectful of people’s point of view, even when you deeply disagree
UNIT in chargeBE:
• concerned for others as individuals who have their own path in life (not ours). It gives insight into why people do things or are the way they are
• empathetic with others’ difficulties whenever possible, without taking care of or fixing them
• sympathetic with others’ humanity – allow for faults & mistakes
• able to communicate accurately, openly & transparently (not manipulative, needy, passive-aggressive, controlling, sullen or using CDs)

Practical – BE:
• dependable, keep your word, follow thru – within reason. Don’t over-commit, try to impress or promise things you can’t deliver or have no control over
• competent and efficient  – not perfect
• consistent and predictable – not controlling or rigid
BE:
• able to keep other people’s secrets & personal information to yourselfgood communiaction
• faithful & loyal to those who’ve earned your trust
• defend or protect others whenever possible
BE:
• able to listen carefully, with an open mind, without losing yourself
• willing to talk about what you personally know or have experienced, rather than spouting facts, exaggerating or being boastful
AND:
• defend or protect others whenever possible
• ask others about what they know & how they feel – do not be arrogant, superior, narcissistic
• share control, when appropriate, encouraging co-operation & allowing yourself to be supported

BENEFITS of being Trustworthy
happy kidRe. US
• We feel good about ourselves, have self-respect & can hold our head high in any situation
HINT: A happy Inner Child makes for a happy Adult!
• It represents good character (requires doing the ‘right’ thing even when it’s costly or risky), which allows us to build a good reputation
• We find & enjoy abundance in any area of life, & connect with others in our search for a satisfying existence

Re. OTHERSfrindly biz wmn
• Being authentic makes us stand out & become known for integrity
• It makes people want to be around us
• Others like dealing with us professionally, are pleased to see us socially & generally feel comfortable around us
• It makes it easier to get others to cooperate on projects & events
• It contributes to making our community & the world a better place

NEXT: ACoAs Rebuilding Trust – #1